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:  My  cloak  flew  open  as  I  fell,  and  the  force  of  the  fall  bursting  its  envelope,  out, 
in  all  its  hideous  realities,  rolled  the  infernal  imp  of  darkness." — Page  137. 


THE  SWAMP  DOCTOR'S 

ADVENTURES  U  THE  SOUTH-WEST. 


"  The  way  that  bar's  Kesh  giv  in  to  the  soft  impresshuns  of  that  leg,  war  an  honcr 
to  the  mederkal  perfeshun  for  having  invented  sicb  a  weepun." — Page  175. 


PHILADELPHIA: 
T.  B.  PETERSON   &  BROTHERS. 


THE  SWAMP  DOCTOR'S 

ADVENTURES  IN  THE  SOUTH-WEST. 


CONTAINING  THE  WHOLE  OF  THE 


LOUISIANA  SWAMP  DOCTOR;  STREAKS  OF  SQUATTER  LIFE; 
AND  FAR- WESTERN  SCENES; 


IN  A  SERIES  OF 


DESCRIPTIVE  OF  INCIDENTS  AND  CHARACTEK. 

BY  "MADISON  TENSAS/'  M.D.,  AND  "SOLITAIRE," 

(JOHN  S.  KOBB,  OF  ST.  LOUIS,  MO.) 
AUTHOR  OF   "SWALLOWING  OYSTEES  ALIVE,"  ETC. 


WITH  FOURTEEN  ILLUSTRATIONS, 

FROM 

ORIGINAL  DESIGNS  BY  DARLEY. 


$l)ilabel:pi)ia: 
T.    B.    PETERSON    AND    BROTHERS, 

306    CHESTNUT    STREET. 


Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1858,  by 

T.     B.    PETERSON, 

In  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  of  the  United  States,  in  and  for  the 
Eastern  District  of  Pennsylvania. 


ODD     LEAVES 

FROM 

THE    LIFE 

07   A 

LOUISIANA  "SWAMP   DOCTOR." 


BY  MADISON  TENSAS,  M.D., 

Ex.  V.  P.  M.  S.  U.  Kt. 

AUTHOR   OF    " COPPING   ON   THE    STERNUM." 


WITH  SIX  ORIGINAL  ILLUSTRATIONS  BY  DARLEY. 


Wife.  "  Send  for  the  Doctor." 

Fatient.  "Lord!  Lord!  lettest  thou  thy  servant  now  depart  in  peace." 

"  The  World  as  it  Is,"  An  Every-day  Story,  MDYCCC.  edition. 


PHILADELPHIA: 

T.    B.    PETERSON, 

102    CHESTNUT    STREET. 


Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1843,  by 

CAREY     &    HART, 

In  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  of  the  United  States,  in 
and  for  the  Eastern  District  of  Pennsylvania. 

COLLINS,  FRTNTER. 


TO 

WM.  S.  PARHAM,  and  ALFRED  J.  LOWRT, 

OF    MADISON    PARISH,    LOUISIANA, 

MY    TRUE     AND     FAST    FRIENDS, 

THIS    HUMBLE   VOLUME   IS    INSCRIBED 
BY    THEIR    FRIEND, 

MADISON  TENSAS,  M.  Ik 


CONTENTS. 


THE  CITY  PHYSICIAN  versus  THE  SWAMP  DOCTOR  .  ~—  Page  21 

MY  EARLY  LIFE — — . 26 

GETTING  ACQUAINTED  WITH  THE  MEDICINES.— —36 

A  TIGHT  RACE  CONSIDERIN'.  — ~~ «. 42 

TAKING  GOOD  ADVICE  —  „ — . _. - 54 

THE  DAY  OF  JUDGMENT „ „ 59 

A  RATTLESNAKE  ON  A  STEAMBOAT ».  — — ~65 

FRANK  AND  THE  PROFESSOR 71 

THE  CURIOUS  WIDOW  —  — — 75 

THE  MISSISSIPPI  PATENT  PLAN  FOR  PULLING  TEETH .  —81 

VALERIAN  AND  THE  PANTHER ~. ,....« .„86 

SEEKING  A  LOCATION — — L 102 

CUPPING  AN  IRISHMAN — ~ —-,....113 

BEING  EXAMINED  FOR  MY  DEGREE 120 

STEALING  A  BABY — . -~ —,„„ ...„. „..131 

THE  "SWAMP  DOCTOR"  TO  ESCULAPIUS..— « „ „.138 

MY  FIRST  CALL  IN  THE  SWAMP.— 143 

THE  MAN  OF  ARISTOCRATIC  DISEASES 157 

THE  INDEFATIGABLE  BEAR-HUNTER „ .—,164 

LOVE  IN  A  GARDEN 375 

HOW  TO  CURE  FITS „ 189 

A  STRUGGLE  FOR  LIFE -. ~~ ~ „. „192 

(51 


LIST  OF  ENGRAVINGS. 


STEALING  A  NIGGER  BABY Frontispiece 

"My  cloak  flew  open  as  I  fell,  and  the  force  of  the  fall  bursting  its  envelope, 
out,  in  all  its  hideous  realities,  rolled  the  infernal  imp  of  darkness." 

A  TIGHT  RACE  CONSIDERIN' Titi.k 

"She  tuk  ofl"  her  shoe,  and  the  way  a  No.  10  go-to-meetin'  brogan  com- 
menced givin'  a  hoss  particular  Moses,  were  a  caution  to  hoss-flesh." 

A  RATTLE-SNAKE  ON  A  STEAMBOAT  ....       Page  b* 

"But  hardly  had  he  reached  the  deck,  when  he  discovered  the  monster — his 
head  drawn  back  ready  for  striking." 

VALERIAN  AND  THE  PANTHER Page  101 

"And  the  huge  form  of  the  dead  panther  was  lying  by  my  side,  with  tie 
pocket  holding  the  valerian  firmly  clenched  in  his  teeth.7' 

THE  INDEFATIGABLE  BEAR-HUNTER  ....       Page  175 

"  The  way  that  bar's  flesh  giv'  in  to  the  soft  impresshuns  of  that  leg,  war  an 
honor  to  the  mederkal  perfeshun  for  having  invented  sich  a  weepun." 

A  STRUGGLE  FOR  LIFE Page  199 

"Closer  and  firmer  his  gripe  closed  upon  my  throat,  barring  out  the  sweet 
life's  breath." 


THE  CITY  PHYSICIAN 


THE  SWAMP  DOCTOR. 

The  city  physician,  or  the  country  doctor  of  an  old- 
settled  locality,  with  all  the  appliances  of  cultivated  and 
refined  life  around  them ;  possessing  all  the  numberless 
conveniences  and  luxuries  of  the  sick-room ;  capable  of 
controlling  the  many  adverse  circumstances  that  exert 
such  a  pernicious  influence  upon  successful  practice  ; 
having  at  command  the  assistance,  in  critical  and  anoma- 
lous cases,  of  scientific  and  experienced  coadjutors  ;  the 
facilities  of  good  roads ;  the  advantages  of  comfortable 
dwellings,  easy  carriages,  and  the  pleasures  of  com- 
mingling with  a  cultivated,  mild,  refined  society,  cannot 
fully  realize  and  appreciate  the  condition  of  their  less 
favoured,  humble  brethren,  who,  impelled  by  youthfulness, 
poverty,  defective  education,  or  the  reckless  spirit  of 
adventure,  have  taken  up  their  lot  with  society  nearly  in 
i!ts  primitive  condition,  and  dispense  the  blessings  of  their 
profession  to  the  inhabitants  of  a  country,  where  the 
obscure  bridle-path,  the  unbridged  water-courses,  the 
deadened  forest  trees,  the  ringing  of  the  woodman's  axe, 
the  humble  log  cabin,  the  homespun  dress,  and  all  the 
many  sober,  hard  realities  of  pioneer  life,  attest  the  youth- 
fulness  of  the  settlement. 

The  city  physician  mav  be  of  timorous  nature  and  weak 

(21) 


22         THE    CITY   PHYSICIAN  VS.  THE    SWAMP   DOCTOR. 

and  effeminate  constitution :  the  "  swamp  doctor,"  whose 
midnight  ride  is  often  saluted  by  the  scream  of  the  panther, 
must  be  of  courageous  nature,  and  in  physical  endurance 
as  hardy  as  one  of  his  own  grand  alluvial  oaks,  whose 
canopy  of  leaves  is  many  a  night  his  only  shelter. 

The  city  physician  may  be  of  fastidious  taste,  and 
exquisiteness  of  feeling;  the  swamp  doctor  must  have 
the  unconcernedness  of  the  dissecting-room,  and  be  pre- 
pared to  swallow  his  peck  of  dirt  all  at  once. 

The  city  physician  must  be  of  polished  manners  and 
courtly  language  :  the  swamp  doctor  finds  the  only  use  he 
has  for  bows,  is  to  escape  some  impending  one  that 
threatens  him  with  Absalomic  fate  ;  the  only  necessity  for 
courtly  expression,  to  induce  some  bellicose  "  squatter" 
to  pay  his  bill  in  something  besides  hot  curses  and  cold 
lead. 

The  city  physician,  fast  anchored  in  the  sublimity  of 
scientific  expression,  requires  a  patient  to  "  inflate  his 
lungs  to  their  utmost  capacity ;"  the  swamp  doctor  tells 
his  to  "draw  a  long  breath,  or  swell  your  d — dest:" 
one  calls  an  individual's  physical  peculiarities,  "  idiosyn- 
crasy ;"  the  other  terms  it  "  a  fellow's  nater." 

The  city  physician  sends  his  prescriptions  to  the  drug 
store,  and  gives  himself  no  regard  as  to  the  purity  of  the 
medicine  ;  each  swamp  doctor  is  his  own  pharmacien,  and 
carries  his  drug  store  at  the  saddle. 

The  city  physician  rides  in  an  easy  carriage  over  well 
paved  streets,  and  pays  toll  at  the  bridge ;  we  mount  a 
canoe,  a  pair  of  mud  boots,  sometimes  a  horse,  and  tra- 
verse, unmindful  of  exposure  or  danger,  the  sullen  slough 
or  angry  river. 

The  city  physician  wears  broadcloth,  and  looking  in 
his  hat  reads,  "Paris;"  we  adorn  the  outer  man  with 
homespun,  and  gazing  at  our  graceful  castors  remember 

o: 

03 , 


THE   CITY   PHYSICIAN  VS.  THE    SWAMP    DOCTOR.  23 

the  identical  hollow  tree  in  which  we  caught  the  coon 
that  forms  its  fair  outline  and  symmetrical  proportions. 

The  city  physician  goes  to  the  opera  or  theatre,  to  relax, 
and  while  away  a  leisure  evening.  The  swamp  doctor 
resorts  for  the  same  purpose  to  a  deer  or  bear  hunt,  a  bar- 
bacue  or  bran  dance,  and  generally  ends  by  becoming 
perfectly  hilarious,  and  evincing  a  determination  to  sit 
up  in  order  that  he  can  escort  the  young  ladies  home 
before  breakfast. 

The  city  physician,  compelled  to  keep  up  appearances, 
deems  a  library  of  a  hundred  authors  a  moderate  collec- 
tion ;  the  swamp  doctor  glories  in  the  possession  of 
"  Gunn's  Domestic  Medicine,"  and  the  "  Mother's 
Guide." 

The  city  physician  has  a  costly  Parisian  instrument  for 
performing  operations,  and  scorns  to  extract  a  tooth  ;  the 
swamp  doctor  can  rarely  boast  of  a  case  of  amputating 
instruments,  and  practises  dentistry  with  a  gum  lancet 
and  a  pair  of  pullikens. 

The  city  physician,  with  intellect  refined,  but  feelings 
vitiated  by  the  corruptings  and  heart-hardenings  of  mo- 
dern polished  society,  views  with  utter  indifference  or 
affected  sympathy  the  dissolution  of  body  and  soul  in  his 
patients:  but  think  you,  we  can  see  depart  unmoved  those 
with  whom  we  have  endured  privations,  have  been  knit 
like  brothers  together  by  our  mutual  dangers ;  with  whom 
we  have  hunted,  fished,  and  shared  the  crust  and  lowly 
couch  ;  with  whom  we  have  rejoiced  and  sorrowed  ;  think 
you  we  can  see  them  go  down  to  the  grave  with  tearless 
eyes,  with  unmoved  soul  ?  If  we  can,  then  blot  out  that 
expression  so  accordant  with  common  sentiment,  "  God 
made  the  country,  and  man  the  town." 

The  city  physician  sends  the  poor  to  the  hospital,  and 
eventually  to  the  dissecting-room ;  we  tend  and  furnish 


24         THE   CITY   PHYSICIAN   VS.  THE   SWAMP   DOCTOR. 

them  gratuitously,  and  a  proposal  to  dispose  of  them 
anatomically  would,  in  all  probability,  put  a  knife  into  us. 

One,  with  a  sickly  frame,  anticipates  old  age ;  the 
other,  with  a  vigorous  constitution,  knows  that  exposure 
and  privation  will  cut  him  off  ere  his  meridian  be 
reached. 

The  city  physician  has  soft  hands,  soft  skin,  and  soft 
clothes :  we  have  soft  hearts  but  hard  hands;  we  are  rough 
in  our  phrases,  but  true  in  our  natures;  our  words  do  not 
speak  one  language  and  our  actions  another ;  what  we 
mean  we  say,  what  we  say  we  mean ;  our  characters, 
when  not  original,  are  impressed  upon  us  by  the  people 
we  practise  among  and  associate  with,  for  such  is  the 
character  of  the  pioneers  and  pre-emptionists  of  the 
swamp. 

To  sum  up  the  whole,  the  city  physician  lives  at  the 
top  of  the  pot,  the  swamp  doctor  scarcely  at  the  rim  of 
the  skillet :  one  is  a  delicate  carpet,  which  none  but  the 
nicest  kid  can  press ;  the  other  is  a  cypress  floor,  in  which 
the  hobnails  of  every  clown  can  stamp  their  shape :  one 
is  the  breast  of  a  chicken,  the  other  is  a  muscle-shell  full 
of  cat-fish :  one  is  quinine,  the  other  Peruvian  bark :  and 
so  on  in  the  scale  of  proportions. 

I  have  contrasted  the  two  through  the  busy,  moving 
scenes  of  life ;  let  me  keep  the  curtain  from  descending 
awhile,  till  I  draw  the  last  and  awful  contrast. 

Stand  by  the  death-bed  of  the  two,  in  that  last  and 
solemn  hour,  when  disease  has  prescribed  for  the  patient, 
and  death,  acting  the  pharmacien,  is  filling  the  R.  In  a 
close,  suffocating  room,  horizontalized  on  a  feather  bed  ; 
if  a  bachelor,  attended  by  a  mercenary  nurse ;  his  depar- 
ture eagerly  desired  by  a  host  of  expectant,  envious  com- 
petitors ;  with  the  noise  of  drays,  the  shouts  of  the  busy 
multitude,  and   the    many  discordant  cries   of  the  city 


THE    CITY    PHYSICIAN  VS.  THE    SWAMP    DOCTOR.  25 

ringing  through  his  frame,  the  soul  of  the  city  physician 
leaves  its  mortal  tenement  and  wings  its  way  to  heaven 
through  several  floors  and  thicknesses  of  mortar  and  brick, 
whilst  the  sobs  of  his  few  true  friends  float  on  the  air 
strangely  mingled  with  "Pies  all  hot !"  «  The  last  'erald !" 
and  "  Five  dollars  reward,  five  dollars  reward,  for  the  lost 
child  of  a  disconsolate  family !" 

The  swamp  doctor  is  gathered  unto  his  fathers  'neath 
the  greenwood  tree,  couched  on  the  yielding  grass,  with 
the  soft  melody  of  birds,  the  melancholy  cadence  of  the 
summer  wind,  the  rippling  of  the  stream,  the  sweet  smell 
of  flowers,  and  the  blue  sky  above  bending  down  as  if 
to  embrace  him,  to  soothe  his  spirit,  and  give  his  parting 
soul  a  glance  of  that  heaven  which  surely  awaits  him  as 
a  recompense  for  all  the  privations  he  has  endured  on 
earth ;  whilst  the  pressure  on  his  palm  of  hard  and  manly 
hands,  the  tears  of  women  attached  to  him  like  a  brother 
by  the  past  kind  ministerings  of  his  Godlike  calling,  the 
sobs  of  children,  and  the  boisterous  grief  of  the  poor 
negroes,  attest  that  not  unregarded  or  unloved  he  hath 
dwelt  on  earth :  a  sunbeam  steals  through  the  leafy  canopy 
and  clothes  his  brow  with  a  living  halo,  a  sweet  smile 
pervades  his  countenance,  and  amidst  all  that  is  beauteous 
in  nature  or  commendable  in  man,  the  swamp  doctor 
sinks  in  the  blissful  luxuries  of  death ;  no  more  to  undergo 
privation  and  danger,  disease  or  suffering.  He  hath  given 
his  last  pill,  had  his  last  draught  protested  against ;  true 
to  the  instincts  of  his  profession,  he,  no  doubt,  in  the 
battling  troop  of  the  angels  above,  if  feasible,  will  still 
continue  to  charge. 


MY  EARLY  LIFE. 

Upon  what  slender  hinges  the  gate  of  a  man's  life  turns, 
and  what  trifling  things  change  the  tenor  of  his  being, 
and  determine  in  a  moment  the  direction  of  a  lifetime ! 
Who  inhales  his  modicum  of  azote  and  oxygen,  that 
cannot  verify  in  his  own  person  that  we  are  the  creatures 
of  circumstances,  and  that  there  is  a  hidden  divinity  that 
shapes  our  ends,  despite  the  endeavours  of  the  pedagogue, 
man,  to  paddle  them  out  of  shape  ? 

Some  writer  of  celebrity  has  averred,  and  satisfactorily 
proven  to  all  of  his  way  of  thinking,  by  a  chain  of  logical 
deductions,  that  the  war  of  1812,  the  victory  of  New 
Orleans,  the  elevation  of  Jackson  to  the  presidency,  the 
annexation  of  Texas,  General  Taylor's  not  possessing  the 
proportions  of  Hercules,  and  a  sad  accident  that  occurred 
to  one  of  the  best  of  families  very  recently,  all  was  the  ine- 
vitable effect  of  a  quiet  unobtrusive  citizen  in  Maryland 
being  charged  some  many  years  ago  with  hog  stealing. 

Were  I  writing  a  library  instead  of  a  volume,  I  would 
take  up,  for  the  satisfaction  of  my  readers,  link  by  link,  the 
chain  of  consequences,  from  the  mighty  to  the  insigni- 
ficant ;  also,  if  time  and  eternity  permitted,  trace  the 
genealogy  of  the  memorable  porker  (upon  whose  forcible 
seizure  all  these  events  depended),  back  to  the  time  when 
Adam  wras  not  required  to  show  a  tailor's  bill  unpaid,  as 
a  portent  of  gentility,  or  Eve  thought  it  a  wife's  duty  to 
henpeck  her  husband. 

As  I  cannot  do  this,  I  will,  by  an  analogous  example, 

(26) 


MY    EARLY    LIFE.  Zi 

show  that  equally — to  me  at  least — important  consequences 
have  been  deduced  from  as  unimportant  and  remote 
causes;  and  that  the  writing  of  this  volume,  my  being  a 
swamp  doctor  in  1848,  and  having  been  steamboat  cook, 
cabin-boy,  gentleman  of  leisure,  plough-boy,  cotton- 
picker,  and  almost  a  printer,  depended  when  I  was  ten 
years  old  on  a  young  lady  wearing  "  No.  2"  shoes, 
when  common  sense  and  the  size  of  her  foot  whispered 
"  fives."  And  now  to  show  the  connexion  between  these 
remote  facts. 

The  death  of  my  mother  when  I  was  very  young 
breaking  up  our  family  circle,  I  became  an  inmate  of  the 
family  of  a  married  brother,  whose  wife,  to  an  imperious 
temper,  had,  sadly  for  me,  united  the  companionship  of 
several  younger  brothers,  whose  associates  I  became 
when  I  entered  her  husband's  door.  Living  in  a  free  state, 
and  his  straitened  circumstances  permitting  him  but 
one  hired  servant,  much  of  the  family  drudgery  fell  upon 
his  wife,  who  up  to  my  going  there  devolved  a  portion 
upon  her  brothers,  but  which  all  fell  to  my  share  as  soon 
as  I  became  domiciliated.  I  complained  to  my  brother  ; 
but  it  was  a  younger  brother  arraigning  a  loved  wife,  and 
we  all  know  how  such  a  suit  would  be  decided.  Those 
only  who  have  lived  in  similar  circumstances  can  appre- 
ciate my  situation  ;  censured  for  errors  and  never  praised 
for  my  industry,  the  scapegoat  of  the  family  and  general 
errand-boy  of  the  concern,  waiting  upon  her  brothers 
when  I  would  fain  have  been  at  study  or  play,  mine  was 
anything  but  an  enviable  life.  This  condition  of  things 
continued  until  I  had  passed  my  tenth  year,  when,  grown 
old  by  drudgery  and  wounded  feelings,  I  determined  to 
put  into  effect  a  long-cherished  plan,  to  run  away  and 
seek  my  fortune  wheresoever  chance  might  lead  or 
destiny  determine. 


28  MY    EARLY   LIFE. 

By  day  and  by  night  for  several  years  this  thought  had 
been  upon  me ;  it  had  grown  with  my  growth,  and  ac- 
quired strength  from  each  day's  developement  of  fresh 
indignities,  filling  me  with  so  much  resolution,  that  the 
boy  of  ten  had  the  mental  strength  of  twenty  to  effect  such 
a  purpose.  I  occupied  my  few  leisure  hours  in  building 
airy  castles  of  future  fortune  and  distinction,  and  in  mark- 
ing out  the  preparatory  road  to  make  Providence  my  guide, 
and  have  the  world  before  me,  where  to  choose. 

One  evening,  just  at  sunset,  I  was  seated  on  the  lintel 
of  the  street-door,  nursing  one  of  my  nephews,  and  affect- 
ing to  still  his  cries,  the  consequence  of  a  spiteful  pinch 
I  had  given  him,  to  repay  some  indignity  offered  me  by 
his  mother,  wThen  my  attention  was  attracted  to  a  young 
lady,  who,  apparently  in  much  suffering,  was  tottering 
along,  endeavouring  to  support  herself  by  her  parasol, 
which  she  used  as  a  cane.  To  look  at  me  now  with  my 
single  bed,  buttonless  shirts,  premature  wigdom,  and 
haggard  old-bachelor  looks,  you  would  scarcely  think  I 
am  or  was  ever  an  admirer  of  the  sex.  But  against  ap- 
pearances I  have  always  been  one  ;  and  boy  as  I  was  then, 
the  sight  of  that  young  woman  tottering  painfully  along, 
awoke  all  my  sensibilities,  and  made  the  fountain  of 
sympathy  gush  out  as  freely  as  a  child  swallowing  lozen- 
ges. Overcoming  my  boyish  diffidence,  as  she  got  oppo- 
site the  door,  I  addressed  her,  «  Miss,  will  you  not  stop 
and  rest  ?  I  will  get  you  a  chair,  and  you  can  stay  in  the 
porch,  if  you  will  not  come  in  the  house."  »  Thank  you, 
my  little  man,"  she  gasped  out,  and  attempted  to  seat 
herself  in  the  chair  I  had  brought,  but  striking  her  foot 
against  the  step  the  pain  was  so  great,  that  she  shrieked 
out,  and  fell  dead,  as  I  thought,  on  the  floor. 

Frightened  terribly  to  think  I  had  brought  dead  folks 
home,  I  joined  my  yell  to  her  scream,  as  a  prolongation, 


MY    EARLY   LIFE.  29 

which  outcry  brought  my  sister-in-law  to  the  scene.  The 
woman  prevailing,  she  carried  her  in  the  house,  and 
shutting  the  door  to  keep  out  curious  eyes,  which  began 
to  gather  round,  she  set  to  restoring  her  uninvited  guest, 
which  she  soon  accomplished.  As  soon  as  she  could  speak, 
she  gasped  out,  «  Take  them  off,  they  are  killing  me !" — 
pointing  to  her  feet.  This,  with  difficulty,  was  effected, 
and  their  blood-stained  condition  showed  how  great  must 
have  been  her  torment.  She  announced  herself  as  the 
daughter  of  a  well-known  merchant  of  the  city,  and  begged 
permission  to  send  me  to  her  father's  store,  to  request 
him  to  send  a  carriage  for  her.  Assent  being  given,  she 
gave  me  the  necessary  directions  to  find  it,  and  off  I 
started.     It  was  near  the  river. 

On  my  way  to  the  place,  as  I  reached  the  river,  I  over- 
took a  gentleman  apparently  laden  down  with  baggage. 
On  seeing  me  he  said,  "  My  lad,  I  will  give  you  a  quarter 
if  you  will  carry  one  of  these  bundles  down  to  that  steam- 
boat," pointing  to  one  that  was  ringing  her  last  bell 
previous  to  starting  to  New  Orleans.  This  was  a  world 
of  money  to  me  then,  and  I  readily  agreed.  Increasing 
our  pace,  we  reached  just  in  time  the  steamer,  between 
which  and  the  place  he  had  accosted  me,  I  had  deter- 
mined, as  the  present  opportunity  was  a  good  one,  to  put  in 
execution  my  long-cherished  plan,  and  run  away  from  my 
home  then.  Its  accomplishment  was  easy.  Following 
my  employer  on  board,  I  received  my  quarter ;  but  instead 
of  going  on  shore,  I  secreted  myself  on  board,  until  the 
continued  puff  of  the  steamer  and  the  merry  chant  of 
the  firemen  assured  me  we  were  fairly  under  way,  that  I 
was  fast  leaving  my  late  home  and  becoming  a  fugitive 
upon  the  face  of  the  waters,  dependent  upon  my  childish 
exertions  for  my  daily  bread,  without  money,  save  the 
solitary  quarter,  without  a  change  of  clothes ;  no  frien/i 
73 


30  MY    EARLY   LIFE. 

to  counsel  me  save  the  monitor  within,  a  heart  made  aged 
and  iron  by  contumely  and  youthful  suffering. 

Emerging  from  my  concealment,  I  timidly  sought  the 
lower  deck  and  sat  me  down  upon  the  edge  of  the  boat, 
and  singling  out  some  spark  as  it  rose  from  the  chimney, 
strove  childishly  to  draw  some  augury  of  my  future  fate 
from  its  long  continuance  or  speedy  extinction. 

The  city  was  fast  fading  in  the  distance.  I  watched  its 
receding  houses,  for,  while  they  lasted,  I  felt  as  if  I  was 
not  altogether  without  a  home.  A  turn  of  the  river  hid  it 
from  sight,  and  my  tears  fell  fast,  for  I  was  also  leaving 
the  churchyard  which  held  my  mother,  and  I  then  had 
not  grown  old  enough  to  read  life's  bitterest  page,  to  sepa- 
rate dream  from  reality,  and  know  we  could  meet  no  more 
on  earth  ;  for  oftentimes  in  the  quiet  calm  of  sleep,  in  the 
lonely  hours  of  night,  I  had  seen  her  bending  over  my 
tear-wet  pillow,  and  praying  for  me  the  same  sweet  prayer 
that  she  prayed  for  me  when  I  was  her  sinless  youngest 
born,  and  I  thought  in  leaving  her  grave  I  should  never 
see  her  more,  for  how,  when  she  should  rise  again  at 
night,  would  she  be  able  to  find  me,  rambler  as  I  was  ? 

With  this  huge  sorrow  to  dampen  my  joy  at  acquiring 
my  liberty,  chilled  with  the  night  air  I  was  sinking  into 
sleep  in  my  dangerous  seat,  when  the  cook  of  the  boat 
discovered  me,  and  shaking  me  by  the  arm  until  I  awoke, 
took  me  into  the  caboose,  and  giving  me  my  supper,  asked 
me,  "  What  I  was  doing  there,  where  I  would  be  certain 
to  fall  overboard  if  I  went  to  sleep?"  I  made  up  a 
fictitious  tale,  and  finishing  my  story,  asked  him  if  he 
could  assist  me  in  getting  some  work  on  the  boat  to  pay 
my  passage,  hinting  I  was  not  without  experience  in  his 
department,  in  washing  dishes,  cleaning  knives,  &c.  This 
was  just  to  his  hand ;   promising  me  employment  and 


MY    EARLY    LIFE.  31 

protection,  he  gave  me  a  place  to  sleep  in,  which,  fatigued 
as  I  was,  I  did  not  suffer  long  to  remain  unoccupied. 

The  morrow  beheld  me  regularly  installed  as  third  cook 
or  scullion,  at  eight  dollars  a  month.  This,  to  be  sure,  was 
climbing  the  world's  ladder  to  fame  and  fortune  at  a  snail's 
pace  ;  but  I  was  not  proud,  and  willing  to  bide  my  time 
in  hope  of  the  better  day  a-coming.  My  leisure  hours, 
which  were  not  few,  were  employed  in  studying  my 
books,  of  which  I  had  a  good  supply,  bought  with  money 
loaned  me  by  my  kind  friend  the  cook. 

I  improved  rapidly  in  my  profession,  till  one  day  my 
ambition  was  gratified  by  being  allowed  to  make  the 
corn  bread  for  the  first  cabin  table.  This  I  executed  in 
capital  style,  with  the  exception  of  forgetting  in  my  elation 
to  sift  the  meal,  thereby  kicking  up  considerable  of  a 
stir  when  it  came  to  be  eaten,  and  causing  my  receiving 
a  hearty  curse  for  my  carelessness,  and  a  threat  of  a  rope's 
end,  the  exercise  of  which  I  crushed  by  seizing  a  butcher 
knife  in  very  determined  style,  and  the  affair  passed 
over. 

I  remained  on  board  until  I  had  ascended  as  high  as 
second  cook,  when  I  got  disgusted  with  the  kitchen  and 
aspired  to  the  cabin.  I  had  heard  of  many  cabin-boys 
becoming  captain  of  their  own  vessels,  but  never  of  one 
cook, — except  Captain  Cook,  and  he  became  one  from 
name,  not  by   nature   or   profession.     There    being   no 

vacancy  on  board,  I  received  my  wages  and  hired  at  V 

as  cabin  boy  on  a  small  steamboat  running  as  packet  to 
a  small  town,  situated  on  one  of  the  tributaries  of  the 
Mississippi. 

On  my  first  trip  up  I  recollected  that  I  had  a  brother 
living  in  the  identical  town  to  which  the  steamer  was 
destined,  who  had  been  in  the  south  for  several  years, 


32  MY   EARLY  LIFE. 

and,  when  I  last  heard  from  him,  was  doing  well  in  the 
world's  ways. 

I  thought  that  as  I  would  be  landing  every  few  days  at 
his  town,  it  would  be  only  right  that  I  should  call  and 
see  him. 

He  was  merchandising  on  a  large  scale,  I  was  in- 
formed by  a  gentleman  on  board,  a  planter  in  one  of  the 
middle  counties  of  Mississippi,  who,  seeing  me  reading  in 
the  cabin  after  I  had  finished  my  labour  of  the  day,  opened 
a  conversation  with  me,  and,  extracting  my  history  by  his 
mild  persuasiveness,  offered  to  take  me  home  with  him, 
and  send  me  to  school  until  my  education  for  a  profession 
was  completed.  But  my  independence  spurned  the  idea 
of  being  indebted  to  such  an  extent  to  a  stranger ;  perhaps 
I  was  too  enamoured  of  my  wild  roving  life.  I  refused 
his  offer,  thanking  him  gratefully  for  the  kind  interest  he 
seemed  to  take  in  me.  He  made  me  promise,  that  if  I 
changed  my  mind  soon,  I  would  write  to  him,  and  gave 
me  his  direction,  which  I  soon  lost,  and  his  name  has 
passed  from  my  recollection. 

On  reaching  M — ,  I  strolled  up  in  town  and  inquired 
the  way  of  a  negro  to  Mr.  Tensas'  store.  He  pointed  it  out 
to  me,  and  I  entered.  On  inquiry  for  him,  I  found  he  was 
over  at  his  dwelling-house,  which  I  sought.  It  was  a 
very  pretty  residence,  I  thought,  for  a  bachelor ;  the  walks 
wTere  nicely  gravelled,  and  shrubbery  appropriately  deco- 
rated the  grounds. 

I  knocked  at  the  door  boldly;  after  a  short  delay  it  was 
opened  by  quite  a  handsome  young  finely  dressed  lady. 
Thinking  I  was  mistaken  in  the  house,  I  inquired  if  my 
brother  resided  there  ?  She  replied,  »  that  he  did  ;'* 
and  invited  me  to  wait,  as  he  would  soon  be  home. 
Walking  in,  after  a  short  interval"  my  brother  came.  Not 
remarking  me  at  first,  he  gave  the  young  lady  a  hearty 


MY    EARLY    LIFE.  33 

kiss,  which  she  returned  with  interest.  I  concluded  she 
must  be  his  housekeeper.  Perceiving  me,  he  recognised 
me  in  a  moment,  and  gave  me  an  affectionate  welcome, 
bidding  me  go  and  kiss  my  sister-in  law,  which,  not  wait- 
ing for  me  to  do,  she  performed  herself. 

My  brother  was  very  much  shocked  when  he  heard  of 
my  menial  occupation,  and  used  such  arguments  and  per- 
suasives to  induce  me  to  forsake  my  boat-cabin  for  his 
house,  that  I  at  length  yielded. 

He  intended  sending  me  the  next  year  to  college,  when 
the  monetary  crash  came  over  the  South,  and  the  million- 
aire of  to-day  awoke  the  penniless  bankrupt  of  the  mor- 
row. My  brother  strove  manfully  to  resist  the  impending 
ruin,  but  fell  like  the  rest,  and  I  saw  all  my  dreams 
of  a  collegiate  education  vanishing  into  thin  smoke. 

Why  recount  the  scenes  of  the  next  five  years  ?  it  is 
but  the  thrice-told  tale,  of  a  younger  brother  dependent 
upon  an  elder,  himself  dependent  upon  others  for  employ- 
ment and  a  subsistence  for  his  family  ;  his  circumstances 
would  improve — I  would  be  sent  to  school — fortune  would 
again  lower,  and  I,  together  with  my  sister-in-law,  would 
perform  the  menial  offices  of  the  family. 

My  sixteenth  birthday  was  passed  in  the  cotton-field, 
at  the  tail  of  a  plough,  in  the  midst  of  my  fellow-labourers, 
between  whom  and  myself  but  slight  difference  existed. 
I  was  discontented  and  unhappy.  Something  within 
kept  asking  me,  as  it  had  for  years,  if  it  was  to  become  a 
toiler  in  the  cotton-fields  of  the  South,  the  companion  of 
negroes,  that  I  had  stolen  from  my  boyhood's  home?  was 
this  the  consummation  of  all  my  golden  dreams  ? 

My  prospects  were  gloomy  enough  to  daunt  a  much 
older  heart.  Poverty  shut  out  all  hopes  of  a  collegiate 
education  and  a  profession.  Reflection  had  disgusted  me 
with  a  steamboat.     I  determined  to  learn  a  trade.     My 


34  MY    EARLY    LIFE. 

taste  for  reading  naturally  inclined  me  to  one  in  which  I 
could  indulge  it  freely :  it  was  a  printer's. 

Satisfactory  arrangments  were  soon  made  with  a  neigh- 
bouring printer  and  editor  of  a  country  newspaper.  The 
day  was  fixed  when  he  would  certainly  expect  me  ;  if  I 
did  not  come  by  that  time  he  was  to  conclude  that  I  had 
altered  my  determination,  and  he  would  be  free  to  procure 
another  apprentice. 

A  wedding  was  to  come  off  in  the  family  for  which  I 
worked,  in  a  short  time,  and  they  persuaded  me  to  delay 
my  departure  a  week,  and  attend  it.  I  remained,  think- 
ing my  brother  would  inform  the  printer  of  the  cause  of  my 
detention.  The  wedding  passed  off,  and  the  next  morn- 
ing, bright  and  early,  I  bid  adieu,  without  a  pang  of 
regret,  to  my  late  home,  and  started  for  my  new  master's, 
but  who  was  destined  never  to  become  such ;  for  on 
reaching  the  office  I  learnt  that  my  brother  had  failed  to 
inform  him  why  I  delayed,  and  he  had  procured  another 
apprentice  only  the  day  before.  So  that  wedding  gave 
one  subject  less  to  the  fraternity  of  typos,  and  made  an 
indifferent  swamp  doctor  of  matter  for  a  good  printer. 

I  returned  home  on  foot,  wallet  on  my  back,  and  resumed 
my  cotton-picking,  feeling  but  little  disappointed.  I  had 
shaken  hands  too  often  with  poverty's  gifts  to  let  this  addi- 
tional grip  give  me  much  uneasiness. 

The  season  was  nearly  over,  and  the  negroes  were 
striving  to  get  the  cotton  out  by  Christmas,  when  one 
night  at  the  supper  table — the  only  meal  I  partook  of  with 
the  family — my  brother  inquired, 

"  How  would  you  like  to  become  a  doctor,  Madison  ?" 

I  thought  he  was  jesting,  and  answered  merely  with  a 
laugh.  Become  a  doctor,  a  professional  man,  when  I 
was  too  poor  to  go  to  a  common  school,  was  it  not  ludi- 
crous ? 


MY    EARLY    LIFE.  dO 

»  I  am  in  earnest.  Suppose  a  chance  offered  for  you 
to  become  a  student  of  medicine,  would  you  accept  it?" 
he  said. 

It  was  not  the  profession  I  would  have  selected  had 
wealth  given  me  a  choice,  but  still  it  was  a  means  of 
acquiring  an  education,  a  door  through  which  I  might 
possibly  emerge  to  distinction,  and  I  answered,  »  Show 
me  the  way,  and  I  will  accept  without  hesitation." 

He  was  not  jesting.  One  of  the  first  physicians  in  the 
etate,  taking  a  fancy  to  me,  had  offered  to  board  me,  clothe 
/ne,  educate  me  in  his  profession,  and  become  as  a  father 
to  me,  if  I  were  willing  to  accept  the  kind  offices  at  his 
hands. 

I  could  scarcely  realize  the  verity  of  what  I  had  heard, 
yet  'twas  true,  and  the  ensuing  new-year  beheld  me  an 
inmate  of  the  office  of  my  benefactor. 

He  is  now  in  his  grave.  Stricken  down  a  soldier  of 
humanity  at  his  post,  ere  the  meridian  of  life  was  reached. 
Living,  he  was  called  the  widow's  and  orphan's  friend, 
and  the  tears  of  all  attested,  at  his  death,  that  the  proud 
distinction  was  undenied.  I  am  not  much,  yet  what  I  am 
he  made  me  ;  and  when  my  heart  fails  to  thrill  in  grati- 
tude at  the  silent  breathing  of  his  name,  may  it  be  cold 
to  the  loudest  tones  of  life. 

Behold  me,  then,  a  student  of  medicine,  but  yesterday 
a  cotton-picker,  illustrating  within  my  own  person,  in  the 
course  of  a  few  years,  the  versatility  of  American  pursuits 
and  character. 

I  was  scarcely  sixteen,  yet  I  was  a  student  of  medicine, 
and  had  been,  almost  a  printer,  a  cotton-picker,  plough- 
boy,  gin-driver,  gentleman  of  leisure,  cabin-boy,  cook, 
scullion,  and  runaway,  all  distinctly  referable  to  the  young 
lady  before-mentioned  wearing  "  No.  2's,"  when  her  foot 
required  »  fives." 


GETTING  ACQUAINTED  WITH  THE  MEDI- 
CINES. 

"  Now,  Mr.  Tensas,"  said  my  kind  preceptor,  a  few 
days  after  I  had  got  regularly  installed  in  the  office,  "your 
first  duty  must  be  to  get  acquainted  with  the  different 
medicines.  This  is  a  Dispensatory — as  you  read  of  a  drug 
you  will  find  the  majority  mentioned  on  the  shelves,  take 
it  down  and  digest" — here,  unfortunately  for  the  peace 
of  mind  and  general  welfare  of  a  loafing  Indian,  who 
hung  continually  around  the  office,  seeking  what  he  might 
devour,  or  rather  steal,  the  doctor  was  called  away  in  a 
great  hurry,  and  did  not  have  time  to  finish  his  sentence, 
so  "  take  it  down  and  digest,"  were  the  last  words  that 
remained  in  my  mind.  «  Take  it  down  and  digest."  By 
the  father  of  physic,  thought  I,  this  study  of  medicine  is 
not  the  pleasant  task  I  anticipated — rather  arduous  in  the 
long  run  for  the  stomach,  I  should  judge,  to  swallow  and 
digest  all  the  medicines,  from  Abracadabra  to  Zinzibar. 
Why,  some  of  them  are  vomits,  and  I'd  like  to  know  how 
they  are  to  be  kept  down  long  enough  to  be  digested. 
Now,  as  for  tamarinds,  or  liquorice,  or  white  sugar,  I 
might  go  them,  but  aloes,  and  rhubarb,  and  castor-oil, 
and  running  your  finger  down  your  throat,  are  rather  dis- 
agreeable any  way  you  can  take  them.  I'm  in  for  it, 
though  ;  I  suppose  it's  the  way  all  doctors  are  made,  and 
I  have  no  claims  to  be  exempted ;  and  now  for  the  big 
book  with  the  long  name. 

I  opened  it  upon  a  list  of  the  metals.  Leading  them  in 
^he  order  that  alphabetical  arrangement  entitled  it  to,  was, 

(36) 


GETTING    ACQUAINTED    WITH    THE    MEDICINES.  3? 

"Arsenic :  deadly  poison.  Best  preparation,  Fowler's  Solu- 
tion. Symptoms  from  an  overdose,  burning  in  the  sto- 
mach, great  thirst,  excessive  vomiting,"  &c,  &c.  With 
eyes  distended  to  their  utmost  capacity,  I  read  the  dread 
enumeration  of  its  properties.  What!  take  this  infernal 
medicament  down,  digest  it,  and  run  the  chances  of  its 
not  being  an  overdose?  Can't  think  of  it  a  moment.  I'll 
go  back  to  my  plough  first ;  but  then  the  doctor  knew  all 
the  dangers  when  he  gave  his  directions,  and  he  was  so 
precise  and  particular,  there  cannot  be  any  mistake.  I'll 
take  a  look  at  it  anyhow,  and  I  hunted  it  up.  As  the  Dis- 
pensatory preferred  Fowler's  Solution,  I  selected  that. 
Expecting  to  find  but  a  small  quantity,  I  was  somewhat 
surprised  when  I  discovered  it  in  a  four-gallon  bottle, 
nearly  full.  I  took  out  the  stopper,  and  applied  it  cau- 
tiously to  my  nose.  Had  it  not  been  for  the  label,  bearing, 
in  addition  to  the  name, the  fearful  word  "Poison,"  and  the 
ominous  skull  and  cross-bones,  I  would  have  sworn  it  was 
good  old  Bourbon  whiskey.  Old  Tubba,  the  Indian,  was 
sitting  in  the  office  door,  watching  my  proceedings  with  a 
great  deal  of  interest.  Catching  the  spirituous  odour  of  the 
arsenical  solution,  he  rose  up  and  approached  me  eagerly, 
saying,  "  Ugh ;  Injun  want  whiskey ;  give  Tubba  whiskey ; 
bring  wild  duck,  so  many,"  holding  up  two  of  his  fingers. 
The  temptation  was  strong,  I  must  confess.  The  medi- 
cines had  to  be  tested,  and  I  felt  very  much  disinclined  to 
depart  this  life  just  then,  when  the  pin  feathers  of  science 
had  just  commenced  displacing  the  soft  down  of  duck- 
lingdom  ;  but  this  Indian,  he  is  of  no  earthly  account  or 
use  to  any  one  ;  no  one  would  miss  him,  even  were  he  to 
take  an  overdose  ;  science  often  has  demanded  sacrifices, 
and  he  would  be  a  willing  one  ;  but — it  may  kill  him  ;  I 
can't  do  it ;  to  kill  a  man  before  I  get  my  diploma  will  be 
murder;  a  jury  might  not  so  pronounce  it,  but  conscience 


38  GETTING    ACQUAINTED    WITH    THE    MEDICINES. 

would  ;  I  can't  swallow  it,  and  Tubba  must  not.  These 
were  the  thoughts  that  flashed  through  my  mind  before  I 
replied  to  the  Indian's  request.  "Indian  can't  have  whis- 
key. Tubba  drink  whiskey — Tubba  do  so."  Here  I  en- 
deavoured to  go  through  the  pantomime  of  dying,  as  I  was 
not  master  of  sufficient  Choctaw  to  explain  myself.  I 
lifted  a  glass  to  my  mouth  and  pretended  to  empty  it,  then 
gave  a  short  yell,  clapping  my  hands  over  my  stomach, 
staggering,  jerking  my  hands  and  feet  about,  as  I  fell  on 
the  floor,  repeating  the  yells,  then  turned  on  my  face  and 
lay  still  as  though  I  was  dead.  But  to  my  chagrin,  all  this 
did  not  seem  to  affect  the  Indian  with  that  horror  that  I 
intended,  but  on  the  contrary,  he  grunted  out  a  series  of 
ughs,  expressive  of  his  satisfaction,  saying,  "  Ugh;  Tubba 
want  get  drunk  too." 

The  dinner  hour  arriving,  I  dismissed  old  Tubba,  and 
arranging  my  toilet,  walked  up  to  the  dwelling-house, 
near  half  a  mile  distant,  where  I  was  detained  several 
hours  by  the  presence  of  company,  to  whom  I  was  forced 
to  do  the  honours,  the  doctor  not  having  returned. 

At  length  I  got  released,  and  returned  to  the  office, 
resolving  to  suspend  my  studies  until  I  could  have  a  talk 
with  my  preceptor ;  for,  even  on  my  ignorant  mind,  the 
shadow  of  a  doubt  was  falling  as  to  whether  there  might 
not  be  some  mistake  in  my  understanding  of  his  lan- 
guage. 

Entering  the  office,  my  eyes  involuntarily  sought  the 
Solution  of  Arsenic.  Father  of  purges  and  pukes,  it  was 
gone  !  «  Tubba,  you're  a  gone  case.  I  ought  to  have  hid- 
den it.  I  might  have  known  he  would  steal  it  after 
smelling  the  whiskey ;  poor  fellow !  it's  no  use  to  try  and 
find  him,  he's  struck  a  straight  line  for  the  swamp  ;  poor 
fellow !  it's  all  my  fault."  Thus  upbraiding  myself  for  my 
carelessness,  I  walked  back  into  my  bedroom.     And  my 


GETTING    ACQUAINTED    WITH    THE    MEDICINES.  J'J 

astonishment  may  be  imagined,  when  I  discovered  the 
filthy  Indian  tucked  in  nicely  between  my  clean  sheets. 

To  all  appearances  he  was  in  a  desperate  condition, 
the  fatal  bottle  lying  hugged  closely  in  his  embrace,  nearly 
empty.  He  must  be  suffering  awfully,  thought  I,  when 
humanity  had  triumphed  over  the  indignation  I  felt  at  the 
liberties  he  had  taken,  but  Indian-like,  he  bears  it  without 
a  groan.  Well  has  his  race  been  called  » the  stoics  of 
the  wood,  the  men  without  a  tear."  But  I  must  not  let 
him  die  without  an  effort  to  save  him.  I  don't  know  what 
to  do  myself,  so  I'll  call  in  Dr.  B.,  and  away  I  posted  ;  but 
Dr.  B.  was  absent ;  so  was  Dr.  L. ;  and  in  fact  ever) 
physician  of  the  town.  Each  office,  however,  contained 
one  or  more  students ;  and  as  half  a  loaf  is  better  than  no 
bread,  I  speedily  informed  them  of  the  condition  of  affairs, 
and  quickly,  like  a  flock  of  young  vultures,  we  were 
thronging  around  the  poisoned  Indian,  to  what  we  would 
soon  have  rendered  the  harvest  of  death. 

"Stomach  pump  eo  instanti!"  said  one;  "Sulphas 
Zinci  cum  Decoction  Tabacum!"  said  another;  "Vene- 
section!" suggested  athird.  "Puke  of  Lobelia!"  suggested 
a  young  disciple  of  Thompson,  who  self-invited  had 
joined  the  conclave,  "Lobelia.  Number  six,  pepper  tea, 
yaller  powders,  I  say !"  "  Turn  him  out !  Turn  him  out ! 
What  right  has  young  Roots  in  a  mineral  consultation  ? 
Turn  him  out !" — and  heels  over  head,  out  of  the  room, 
through  the  middle  door,  and  down  the  office  steps,  went 
"  young  Roots,"  impelled  by  the  whole  body  of  the 
enraged  "  regulars"  —  save  myself,  who,  determined 
amidst  the  array  of  medical  lore  not  to  appear  ignorant, 
wisely  held  my  tongue  and  rubbed  the  patient's  feet  with 
a  greased  rag.     Again  arose  the  jargon  of  voices. 

"  Sulphas  Zinci — Stomach,  Arteri,  pump,  otomy-must — 
legs — hot-toddy — to  bleed  him — lectricity — hot  blister — 


40  GETTING   ACQUAINTED  WITH    THE   MEDICINES. 

flat-irons — open  his — windpipe  ;"  but  still  I  said  never  a 
word,  but  rubbed  his  feet,  wondering  whether  I  would  ever 
acquire  as  much  knowledge  as  my  fellow  students  showed 
the  possession  of.  By  the  by,  I  was  the  only  one  that 
was  doing  anything  for  the  patient,  the  others  being  too 
busy  discussing  the  case  to  attend  to  the  administration 
of  any  one  of  the  remedies  proposed. 

"I  say  stimulate,  the  system  is  sinking,"  screamed  a 
tall,  stout-looking  student,  as  the  Indian  slid  down  towards 
thfe  foot  of  the  bed. 

"  Bleeding  is  manifestly  and  clearly  indicated,"  retorted 
a  bitter  rival  in  love  as  well  as  medicine,  "  his  muscular 
action  is  too  excessive,"  as  Tubba  made  an  ineffectual 
effort  to  throw  his  body  up  to  the  top  of  the  mosquito 
bar. 

"  Bleeding  would  be  as  good  as  murder,"  said  Num- 
ber 1. 

"  Better  cut  his  throat  than  stimulate  him,"  said  Num- 
ber 2. 

"Pshaw!" 

"  Fudge !" 

"Sir!" 

"Fellow!" 

"Fool!" 

"  Liar !" 

Vim !  Vim !  and  stomach-pump  and  brandy  bottle  flashed 
like  meteors. 

"  Fight!  fight!  form  a  ring!  fair  play!" 

"  You're  holding  my  friend." 

"  You  lie  !  You  rascal!" 

Vim  !  Vim !  from  a  new  brace  of  combatants. 

"  He's  gouging  my  brother !  I  must  help  !  foul  play!" 

"Let  go  my  hair!"  Vim!  Vim!  and  a  triplet  went 
at  it. 


GETTING    ACQUAINTED    WITH    THE    MEDICINES.  41 

I  stopped  nibbing,  and  looked  on  with  amazement. 
«  Gentlemen,  this  is  unprofessional !  'tis  undignified  !  'tis 
disgraceful!  stop,  I  command  you!"  I  yelled,  but  no 
one  regarded  me ;  some  one  struck  me,  and  away  I 
pitched  into  the  whole  lot  promiscuously,  having  no  part- 
ner, the  patient  dying  on  the  bed  whilst  we  were  studying 
out  his  case. 

»  Fight!  fight !"  I  heard  yelled  in  the  street,  as  I  had 
finished  giving  a  lick  all  round,  and  could  hardly  keep 
pitching  into  the  mirror  to  whip  my  reflection,  I  wanted  a 
fight  so  bad. 

"  Fight !  fight !  in  D 's  back  office  !"  and  here  came 

the  whole  town  to  see  the  fun. 

<<  I  command  the  peace!"  yelled  Dick  Locks ;  "I'm 
the  mayor." 

"  And  I'm  the  hoss  for  you !"  screamed  I,  doubling  him 
up  with  a  lick  in  the  stomach,  which  he  replied  to  by 
laying  me  on  my  back,  feeling  very  faint,  in  the  opposite 
corner  of  the  room. 

"I  command  the  peace  !"  continued  Dick,  flinging  one 
of  the  combatants  out  of  the  window,  another  out  of  the 
door,  and  so  on  alternately,  until  the  peace  was  preserved 
by  nearly  breaking  its  infringers  to  pieces. 

"  What  in  the  devil,  Mr.  Tensas,  does  this  mean  ?"  said 
my  preceptor,  who  at  that  moment  came  in  ;  "  what  does 
all  this  fighting,  and  that  drunken  Indian  lying  in  your 
bed,  mean?  have  you  ail  been  drunk?" 

"  He  has  poisoned  himself,  sir,  in  my  absence,  with  the 
solution  of  arsenic,  which  he  took  for  whiskey  ;  and  as  all 
the  doctors  were  out  of  town,  I  called  in  the  students,  and 
the)'  got  to  fighting  over  him  whilst  consulting  ;"  I  replied, 
very  indignantly,  enraged  at  the  insinuation  that  we  had 
been  drinking. 

"Poisoned  with  solution  of  arsenic,  hi!  ha!  oh!  lord! 


42  A    TIGHT   RACE    CONSIDERIN'. 

ha!"  and  my  preceptor,  throwing  his  burly  form  on  the 
floor,  rolled  over  and  over,  making  the  office  ring  with  his 
laughter — "poisoned,  ha!  ha!" 

"  Get  out  of  this,  you  drunken  rascal !"  said  he  to  the 
dying  patient,  applying  his  horse-whip  to  him  vigorously. 
It  acted  like  a  charm :  giving  a  loud  yell  of  defiance,  the 
old  Choctaw  sprang  into  the  middle  of  the  floor. 

"Whoop!  whiskey  lour!  Injun  big  man,  drunk  heap. 
Whoop!  Tubba  big  Injun  heap  !"  making  tracks  for  the 
door,  and  thence  to  the  swamp. 

The  truth  must  out.  The  boys  had  got  into  the  habit 
of  making  too  free  with  my  preceptor's  whiskey;  and  to 
keep  off  all  but  the  knowing  one,  he  had  labelled  it, 
"  Solution  of  Arsenic." 


A  TIGHT  RACE  CONSIDERIN'. 

During  my  medical  studies,  passed  in  a  small  village 
in  Mississippi,  I  became  acquainted  with  a  family  named 
Hibbs  (a  nom  de  plume  of  course),  residing  a  few  miles 
in  the  country.  The  family  consisted  of  Mr.  and  Mrs. 
Hibbs  and  son.  They  were  plain,  unlettered  people, 
honest  in  intent  and  deed,  but  overflowing  with  that, 
which  amply  made  up  for  all  their  deficiencies  of  edu- 
cation, namely,  warm-hearted  hospitality,  the  distinguish- 
ing trait  of  southern  character.  They  were  originally 
from  Virginia,  from  whence  they  had  emigrated  in  quesl 
of  a  clime  more  genial,  and  a  soil  more  productive 
than  that  in  which  their  fathers  toiled.  Their  search 
naa  been  rewarded,  their  expectations  realized,  and  now, 


A    TIGHT    RACE   CONSIDERED'.  43 

in  their  old  age,  though  not  wealthy  in  the  "  Astorian" 
sense,  still  they  had  sufficient  to  keep  the  "  wolf  from  the 
door,"  and  drop  something  more  substantial  than  condo- 
lence and  tears  in  the  hat  that  poverty  hands  round  for  the 
kind  offerings  of  humanity. 

The  old  man  was  like  the  generality  of  old  planters, 
men  whose  ambition  is  embraced  by  the  family  or  social 
circle,  and  whose  thoughts  turn  more  on  the  relative  value 
of  "  Sea  Island"  and  "Mastodon,"  and  the  improvement 
of  their  plantations,  than  the  "  glorious  victories  of  Whig- 
gery  in  Kentucky,"  or  the  »  triumphs  of  democracy  in 
Arkansas." 

The  old  lady  was  a  shrewd,  active  dame,  kind-hearted 
and  long-tongued,  benevolent  and  impartial,  making  her 
coffee  as  strong  for  the  poor  pedestrian,  with  his  all  upon 
his  back,  as  the  broadcloth  sojourner,  with  his  «  up-country 
pacer."  She  was  a  member  of  the  church,  as  well  as 
the  daughter  of  a  man  who  had  once  owned  a  race-horse  : 
and  these  circumstances  gave  her  an  indisputable  right, 
she  thought,  to  "  let  on  all  she  knew,"  when  religion  or 
horse-flesh  was  the  theme.  At  one  moment  she  would  be 
heard  discussing  whether  the  new  "  circus  rider,"  (as  she 
always  called  him,)  was  as  affecting  in  Timothy  as  the 
old  one  was  pathetic  in  Paul,  and  anon  (not  anonymous, 
for  the  old  lady  did  everything  above  board,  except  rub- 
bing her  corns  at  supper),  protecting  dad's  horse  from  the 
invidious  comparisons  of  some  visiter,  who,  having  heard, 
perhaps,  that  such  horses  as  Fashion  and  Boston  existed, 
thought  himself  qualified  to  doubt  the  old  lady's  assertion 
that  her  father's  horse  "  Shumach"  had  run  a  mile  on  one 
particular  occasion.  "Don't  tell  me,"  was  her  never 
failing  reply  to  their  doubts,  «  Don't  tell  me  'bout  Fashun 
or  Bosting,  or  any  other  beating  '  Shumach'  a  fair  race, 
for  the  thing  was  unfesible  ;  did'nt  he  run  a  mile  a  minute 


44  A   TIGHT    RACE    CONSIDERIn'. 

by  Squire  Dim's  watch,  which  always  stopt  'zactly  at 
twelve,  and  did'nt  he  start  a  minute  afore,  and  git  out, 
jes  as  the  long  hand  war  givin'  its  last  quiver  on  ketchin' 
the  short  leg  of  the  watch  ?  And  didn't  he  beat  every- 
thing in  Virginny  'cept  once  ?  Dad  and  the  folks  said 
he'd  beat  then,  if  young  Mr.  Spotswood  hadn't  give  '  old 
Swaga,'  Shumach's  rider,  some  of  that  «  Croton  water,' 
(that  them  Yorkers  is  makin'  sich  a  fuss  over  as  bein'  so 
good,  when  gracious  knows,  nothin'  but  what  the  doctors 
call  interconception  could  git  me  to  take  a  dose)  and  jis 
'fore  the  race  Swage  or  Shumach,  I  don't  'stinctly  'mem- 
ber which,  but  one  of  them  had  to  '  let  down?  and  so 
dad's  hoss  got  beat." 

The  son  I  will  describe  in  few  words.  Imbibing  his 
parents'  contempt  for  letters,  he  was  very  illiterate,  and  as 
he  had  not  enjoyed  the  equivalent  of  travel,  was  extremely 
ignorant  on  all  matters  not  relating  to  hunting  or  plantation 
duties.  He  was  a  stout,  active  fellow,  with  a  merry 
twinkling  of  the  eye,  indicative  of  humour,  and  partiality 
for  practical  joking.  We  had  become  very  intimate,  he 
instructing  me  in  "forest  lore,"  and  I,  in  return,  giving 
amusing  stories,  or,  what  was  as  much  to  his  liking,  occa- 
sional introductions  to  my  hunting-flask. 

Now  that  I  have  introduced  the  "  Dramatis  Personee," 
I  will  proceed  with  my  story.  By  way  of  relaxation,  and 
to  relieve  the  tedium  incident  more  or  less  to  a  student's 
life,  I  would  take  my  gun,  walk  out  to  old  Hibbs's,  spend 
a  day  or  two,  and  return  refreshed  to  my  books. 

One  fine  afternoon  I  started  upon  such  an  excursion, 
and  as  I  had  upon  a  previous  occasion  missed  killing  a 
fine  buck,  owing  to  my  having  nothing  but  squirrel  shot,  I 
determined  to  go  this  time  for  the  "  antlered  monarch," 
by  loading  one  barrel  with  fifteen  "blue  whistlers,"  reserv- 
ing the  other  for  small  game. 


A    TIGHT   RACE   CONSIDERIn'.  45 

At  the  near  end  of  the  plantation  was  a  fine  spring,  and 
adjacent,  a  small  cave,  the  entrance  artfully  or  naturally 
concealed,  save  to  one  acquainted  with  its  locality.  The 
cave  was  nothing  but  one  of  those  subterraneous  washes 
so  common  in  the  west  and  south,  and  called  "  sink 
holes."  It  was  known  only  to  young  H.  and  myself,  and 
we,  for  peculiar  reasons,  kept  secret,  having  put  it  in 
requisition  as  the  depository  of  a  jug  of  "old  Bourbon," 
which  we  favoured,  and  as  the  old  folks  abominated 
drinking,  we  had  found  convenient  to  keep  there,  whither 
we  would  repair  to  get  our  drinks,  and  return  to  the  house 
to  hear  them  descant  on  the  evils  of  drinking,  and  "  vow 
no  'drap,'  'cept  in  doctor's  truck,  should  ever  come  on 
their  plantation." 

Feeling  very  thirsty,  I  took  my  way  by  the  spring  that 
evening.  As  I  descended  the  hill  o'ertopping  it,  I  beheld 
the  hind  parts  of  a  bear  slowly  being  drawn  into  the  cave. 
My  heart  bounded  at  the  idea  of  killing  a  bear,  and  my 
plans  were  formed  in  a  second.  I  had  no  dogs — the 
house  was  distant — and  the  bear  becoming  "  small  by 
degrees,  and  beautifully  less."  Every  hunter  knows,  if 
you  shoot  a  squirrel  in  the  head  when  it's  sticking  out  of 
a  hole,  ten  to  one  he'll  jump  out ;  and  I  reasoned  that  if 
this  were  true  regarding  squirrels,  might  not  the  operation 
of  the  same  principle  extract  a  bear,  applying  it  low  down 
in  the  back. 

Quick  as  thought  I  levelled  my  gun  and  fired,  intend- 
ing to  give  him  the  buckshot  when  his  body  appeared  ; 
but  what  was  my  surprise  and  horror,  when,  instead  of  a 
bear  rolling  out,  the  parts  were  jerked  nervously  in,  and 
the  well-known  voice  of  young  H.  reached  my  ears. 

"Murder!  Hingins!  h — 1  and  kuckle-burs!  Oh! 
Lordy'  'nufT! — 'nuff!—  take  him  off!  Jis  let  me  off  this 
wunst,  dad,  and  I'll  never  run  mam's  colt  again!  Oh! 
74 


46  A    TIGHT    RACE    CONSIDERIN'. 

Lordy  !  Lordy !  all  my  brains  Mowed  clean  out!  Snakes? 
snakes!"  yelled  he,  in  a  shriller  tone,  if  possible,  "H — 1 
oh  the  outside  and  snakes  in  the  sink-hole !  I'll  die  a 
Christian,  anyhow,  and  if  I  die  before  I  wake,"  and  out 
scrambled  poor  H.,  pursued  by  a  large  black-snake. 

If  my  life  had  depended  on  it,  I  could  not  have  re- 
strained my  laughter.  Down  fell  the  gun,  and  down 
dropped  I  shrieking  convulsively.  The  hill  was  steep, 
and  over  and  over  I  went,  until  my  head  striking  against 
a  stump  at  the  bottom,  stopped  me,  half  senseless.  On 
recovering  somewhat  from  the  stunning  blow,  I  found 
Hibbs  upon  me,  taking  satisfaction  from  me  for  having 
blowed  out  his  brains.  A  contest  ensued,  and  H.  finally 
relinquished  his  hold,  but  I  saw  from  the  knitting  of  his 
brows,  that  the  bear-storm,  instead  of  being  over,  was 
just  brewing.  "  Mr.  Tensas,"  he  said  with  awful  dignity, 
"  I'm  sorry  I  put  into  you  'fore  you  cum  to,  but  you're  at 
yourself  now,  and  as  you've  tuck  a  shot  at  me,  it's 
no  more  than  far  I  should  have  a  chance  'fore  the  hunt's 
up." 

It  was  with  the  greatest  difficulty  I  could  get  H.  to 
bear  with  me  until  I  explained  the  mistake  ;  but  as  soon 
as  he  learned  it,  he  broke  out  in  a  huge  laugh.  "  Oh,  Dod 
busted !  that's  'nuff ;  you  has  my  pardon.  I  ought  to 
know'd  you  didn't  'tend  it ;  'sides,  you  jis  scraped  the 
skin.  I  war  wus  skeered  than  hurt,  and  if  you'll  go  to 
the  house  and  beg  me  off  from  the  old  folks,  I'll  never  let 
on  you  cuddent  tell  copperas  breeches  from  bar-skin." 

Promising  that  I  would  use  my  influence,  I  proposed 
taking  a  drink,  and  that  he  should  tell  me  how  he  had 
incurred  his  parent's  anger.  He  assented,  and  after  we 
had  inspected  the  cave,  and  seen  that  it  held  no  other  ser- 
pent than  the  one  we  craved,  we  entered  its  cool  recess, 
and  H.  commenced. 


A    TIGHT    RACE    CONSIDERS '.  47 

"  You  see,  Doc,  I'd  heered  so  much  from  mam  'bout 
her  dad's  Shumach  and  his  nigger  Swage,  and  the  mile  a 
minute,  and  the  Croton  water  what  was  gin  him,  and  how 
she  bleved  that  if  it  warn't  for  bettin',  and  the  cussin'  and 
fightin',  running  race-hosses  warn't  the  sin  folks  said  it 
war ;  and  if  they  war  anything  to  make  her  'gret  gettin' 
religion  and  jinin'  the  church,  it  war  cos  she  couldn't 
'tend  races,  and  have  a  race-colt  of  her  own  to  comfort 
her  'clinin'  years,  sich  as  her  daddy  had  afore  her,  till  she 
got  me  ;  so  I  couldn't  rest  for  wantin'  to  see  a  hoss-race, 
and  go  shares,  p'raps,  in  the  colt  she  war  wishin'  for. 
And  then  I'd  think  what  sort  of  a  hoss  I'd  want  him  to  be 
■ — a  quarter  nag,  a  mile  critter,  or  a  hoss  wot  could  run 
(fur  all  mam  says  it  can't  be  did)  a  whole  four  mile  at  a 
stretch.  Sometimes  I  think  I'd  rather  own  a  quarter  nag, 
for  the  suspense  wouldn't  long  be  hung,  and  then  we 
could  run  up  the  road  to  old  Nick  Bamer's  cow-pen,  and 
Sally  is  almost  allers  out  thar  in  the  cool  of  the  evenin' ; 
and  in  course  we  wouldn't  be  so  cruel  as  to  run  the  poor 
critter  in  the  heat  of  the  day.  But  then  agin,  I'd  think 
I'd  rather  have  a  miler,  —  for  the  'citement  would  be 
greater,  and  we  could  run  down  the  road  to  old  Wither's 
orchard,  an'  his  gal  Miry  is  frightfully  fond  of  sunnin' 
herself  thar,  when  she  'spects  me  'long,  and  she'd  hear 
of  the  race,  certain  ;  but  then  thar  war  the  four  miler  for 
my  thinkin',  and  I'd  knew'd  in  such  case  the  'citement 
would  be  greatest  of  all,  and  you  know,  too,  from  dad's 
stable  to  the  grocery  is  jist  four  miles,  an'  in  case  of  any 
'spute,  all  hands  would  be  willin'  to  run  over,  even  if  it 
had  to  be  tried  a  dozen  times.  So  I  never  could  'cide  or 
which  sort  of  a  colt  to  wish  for.  It  was  fust  one,  then 
t'others,  till  I  was  nearly  'stracted,  and  when  mam, 
makin'  me  religious,  told  me  one  night  to  say  grace,  I  jes 
shut  my  eyes,  looked  pious,  and  yelled  out,    <  D — n  it, 


48  A   TIGHT    RACE    CONSIDERIn'. 

go !'  and  in  'bout  five  minutes  arter,  came  near  kickin' 
dad's  stumak  off,  under  the  table,  thinkin'  I  war  spurrin' 
my  critter  in  a  tight  place.  So  I  found  the  best  way  was 
to  get  the  hoss  fust,  and  then  'termine  whether  it  should 
be  Sally  Bamers,  and  the  cow-pen  ;  Miry  Withers,  and 
the  peach  orchard ;  or  Spillman's  grocery,  with  the  bald 
face. 

"  You've  seed  my  black  colt,  that  one  that  dad's  father 
gin  me  in  his  will  when  he  died,  and  I  'spect  the  reason 
he  wrote  that  will  war,  that  he  might  have  wun  then, 
for  it's  more  then  he  had  when  he  was  alive,  for  granma 
wTar  a  monstrus  overbearin'  woman.  The  colt  would  cum 
up  in  my  mind,  every  time  I'd  think  whar  I  was  to  git  a 
hoss.  'Git  out!'  said  I  at  fust — he  never  could  run, 
and  'sides  if  he  could,  mam  rides  him  now,  an  he's  too 
old  for  anything,  'cept  totin  her  and  bein'  called  mine  ; 
for  you  see,  though  he  war  named  Colt,  yet  for  the  old 
lady  to  call  him  old,  would  bin  like  the  bar  'fecting  con- 
tempt for  the  rabbit,  on  account  of  the  shortness  of  his 
tail. 

»  Well,  thought  I,  it  does  look  sorter  unpromisin',  but  its 
colt  or  none ;  so  I  'termined  to  put  him  in  trainin'  the 
fust  chance.  Last  Saturday,  who  should  cum  ridin'  up 
but  the  new  cirkut  preacher,  a  long-legged,  weakly,  sick- 
ly, never-contented-onless-the-best-on-the-plantation-war- 
cooked-fur-him  sort  of  a  man  ;  but  I  didn't  look  at  him 
twice,  his  hoss  was  the  critter  that  took  my  eye  ;  for  the 
minute  I  looked  at  him,  I  knew  him  to  be  the  same  hoss 
as  Sam  Spooner  used  to  win  all  his  splurgin'  dimes  with, 
the  folks  said,  and  wot  he  used  to  ride  past  our  house  so 
fine  on.  The  hoss  wTar  a  heap  the  wuss  for  age  and 
change  of  masters ;  for  preachers,  though  they're  mity 
'ticular  'bout  thar  own  comfort,  seldom  tends  to  thar 
hosses ,  for  one  is  privit  property  and  'tother  generally 


A    TIGHT   RACE    CONSIDERIn'.  49 

borried.  I  seed  from  the  way  the  preacher  rid,  that  he 
didn't  know  the  animal  he  war  straddlin' ;  but  I  did,  and 
I  'termined  I  wouldn't  lose  sich  a  chance  of  trainin' 
Colt  by  the  side  of  a  hoss  wot  had  run  real  races.  So  that 
night,  arter  prayers  and  the  folks  was  abed,  I  and  Nigger 
Bill  tuck  the  hosses  and  carried  them  down  to  the  pastur'. 
It  war  a  forty-aker  lot,  and  consequently  jist  a  quarter 
across — for  I  thought  it  best  to  promote  Colt,  by  degrees, 
to  a  four-miler.  When  we  got  thar,  the  preacher's  hoss 
showed  he  war  willin';  but  Colt,  dang  him!  commenced 
nibblin'  a  fodder-stack  over  the  fence.  I  nearly  cried  for 
vexment,  but  an  idea  struck  me  ;  I  hitched  the  critter,  and 
told  Bill  to  get  on  Colt  and  stick  tight  wen  I  giv'  the  word. 
Bill  got  reddy,  and  unbeknownst  to  him  I  pulled  up  a 
bunch  of  nettles,  and,  as  I  clapped  them  under  Colt's 
tail,  yelled,  <  Go  !'  Down  shut  his  graceful  like  a  steel- 
trap,  and  away  he  shot  so  quick  an'  fast  that  he  jumpt 
clean  out  from  under  Bill,  and  got  nearly  to  the  end  of 
the  quarter  'fore  the  nigger  toch  the  ground :  he  lit  on  his 
head,  and  in  course  warn't  hurt — so  we  cotched  Colt,  an' 
I  mounted  him. 

"  The  next  time  I  said  '  go'  he  showed  that  age  hadn't 
spiled  his  legs  or  memory.  Bill  'an  me  'greed  we  could 
run  him  now,  so  Bill  mounted  Preacher  and  we  got  ready. 
Thar  war  a  narrer  part  of  the  track  'tween  two  oaks,  but 
as  it  war  near  the  end  of  the  quarter,  I  'spected  to  pass 
Preacher  'fore  we  got  thar,  so  I  warn't  afraid  of  barkin' 
my  shins. 

"  We  tuck  a  fair  start,  and  off  we  went  like  a  peeled 
ingun,  an'  I  soon  'scovered  that  it  warn't  such  an  easy 
matter  to  pass  Preacher,  though  Colt  dun  delightful ;  we 
got  nigh  the  trees,  and  Preacher  warn't  past  yet,  an'  I 
'gan  to  get  skeered,  for  it  warn't  more  than  wide  enuf  for 
a  horse  and  a  half;  so  I  hollered  to  Bill  to  hold  up,  but 


50  A    TIGHT   RACE   CONSIDERIn'. 

the  imperdent  nigger  turned  his  ugly  pictur,  and  said, 
'he'd  be  cussed  if  he  warn't  goin'  to  play  his  han'  out.' 
I  gin  him  to  understand  he'd  better  fix  for  a  foot-race  when 
we  stopt,  and  tried  to  hold  up  Colt,  but  he  wouldn't  stop. 
We  reached  the  oaks,  Colt  tried  to  pass  Preacher,  Preacher 
tried  to  pass  Colt,  and  cowollop,  crosh,  cochunk !  we  all 
cum  down  like  'simmons  arter  frost.  Colt  got  up  and 
won  the  race ;  Preacher  tried  hard  to  rise,  but  one  hind 
leg  had  got  threw  the  stirrup,  an'  tother  in  the  head  stall, 
an'  he  had  to  lay  still,  doubled  up  like  a  long  nigger  in  a 
short  bed.  I  lit  on  my  feet,  but  Nigger  Bill  war  gone 
entire.  I  looked  up  in  the  fork  of  one  of  the  oaks,  and 
thar  he  war  sittin',  lookin'  very  composed  on  surroundin' 
nature.  I  couldn't  git  him  down  till  I  promised  not  to 
hurt  him  for  disobeyin'  orders,  when  he  slid  down. 
"We'd  'nufT  racin'  for  that  night,  so  we  put  up  the  hosses 
and  went  to  bed. 

»  Next  morning  the  folks  got  ready  for  church,  when  it 
was  diskivered  that  the  hosses  had  got  out.  I  an'  Bill 
started  off  to  look  for  them ;  we  found  them  cleer  off  in 
the  field,  tryin'  to  git  in  the  pastur'  to  run  the  last  night's 
race  over,  old  Blaze,  the  reverlushunary  mule,  bein'  along 
to  act  as  judge. 

"  By  the  time  we  got  to  the  house  it  war  nigh  on  to  meet- 
in'  hour;  and  dad  had  started  to  the  preachin',  to  tell  the 
folks  to  sing  on,  as  preacher  and  mam  would  be  'long 
bimeby.  As  the  passun  war  in  a  hurry,  and  had  been 
complainin'  that  his  creetur  war  dull,  I  'suaded  him  to 
put  on  uncle  Jim's  spurs  what  he  fotch  from  Mexico.  I 
saddled  the  passun's  hoss,  takin'  'ticular  pains  to  let 
the  saddle-blanket  come  down  low  in  the  flank.  By  the 
time  these  fixins  war  threw,  mam  war  'head  nigh  on  to  a 
quarter.  '  We  must  ride  on,  passun,'  I  said,  « or  the 
folks  '11  think  we  is  lost.'     So  I  whipt  up  the  mule  I  rid, 


A    TIGHT    RACE    COXSIDERIn'.  51 

the  passim  chirrupt  and  chuct  to  make  his  crittur  gallop, 
but  the  animal  didn't  mind  him  a  pic.  I  'gan  to  snicker, 
an'  the  passim  'gan  to  git  vext;  sudden  he  thought  of  his 
spurs,  so  he  ris  up,  an'  drove  them  vim  in  his  hoss's 
flanx,  till  they  went  through  his  saddle-blanket,  and  like 
to  bored  his  nag  to  the  holler.  By  gosh !  but  it  war  a 
quickener — the  hoss  kickt  till  the  passun  had  to  hug  him 
round  the  neck  to  keep  from  pitchin'  him  over  his  head. 
He  next  jumpt  up  'bout  as  high  as  a  rail  fence,  passun 
holdin'  on  and  tryin'  to  git  his  spurs — but  they  war  lockt — 
his  breeches  split  plum  across  with  the  strain,  and  the 
piece  of  wearin'  truck  wot's  next  the  skin  made  a  mon- 
strous putty  flag  as  the  old  hoss,  like  drunkards  to  a  bar- 
bacue,streakt  it  up  the  road. 

«  Mam  war  ridin'  slowly  along,  thinkin'  how  sorry  she 
was,  cos  Chary  Dolin,  who  always  led  her  off,  had  sich  a 
bad  cold,  an'  wouldn't  be  able  to  'sist  her  singin'  to-day. 
She  war  practisin'  the  hymns,  and  had  got  as  far  as  whar 
it  says,  '  I  have  a  race  to  run,'  when  the  passun  huv  in 
sight,  an'  in  'bout  the  dodgin'  of  a  diedapper,  she  found 
thar  war  truth  in  the  words,  for  the  colt,  hearin'  the  hoss 
cumin'  up  behind,  began  to  show  symptoms  of  runnin' ; 
but  when  he  heard  the  passun  holler  'wo!  wo!'  to  his 
hoss,  he  thought  it  war  me  shoutin'  '  go !'  and  sure  'nuff 
off  they  started  jis  as  the  passun  got  up  even  ;  so  it  war 
a  fair  race.  Whoop  !  git  out,  but  it  war  egsitin' — the  dust 
flew,  and  the  rail-fence  appeered  strate  as  a  rifle.  Thar 
war  the  passun,  his  legs  fast  to  the  critter's  flanx,  arms 
lockt  round  his  neck,  face  as  pale  as  a  rabbit's  belly,  and 
the  white  flag  streemin'  far  behind — and  thar  war  Alam, 
fust  on  one  side,  then  on  t'other,  her  new  caliker  swelled 
up  round  her  like  a  bear  with  the  dropsy,  the  old  lady  so 
much  surprized  she  cuddent  ride  steddy,  an'  tryin'  to  stop 
her  colt,  but  he  war  too  well  trained  to  stop  while  he  heard 


52  A    TIGHT   RACE    CONSIDER^'. 

<go!'  Mam  got  'sited  at  last,  and  her  eye®  7#an  to 
glimmer  like  she  seen  her  daddy's  ghost  axis.'  '  if  he 
ever  trained  up  a  child  or  a  race-hoss  to  be  'fraid  of  a 
small  brush  on  a  Sunday,'  she  commenced  ridin'  beau- 
tiful ;  she  braced  herself  up  in  the  saddle,  and  began  to 
make  calkerlations  how  she  war  to  win  the  race,  for  it  war 
nose  and  nose,  and  she  saw  the  passun  spurriit'  his  critter 
every  jump.  She  tuk  off  her  shoe,  and  the  waj  a  number 
ten  go-to-meetin'  brogan  commenced  givin'  a  hoss  par- 
ticular Moses,  were  a  caution  to  hoss-fiesh — hot  still  iv 
kept  nose  and  nose.  She  found  she  war  carryin*  too  much 
weight  for  Colt,  so  she  'gan  to  throw  off  plunder,  till  nu- 
thin'  was  left  but  her  saddle  and  close,  and  the  spurs  kept 
tellin'  still.  The  old  woman  commenced  strippin'  to 
lighten,  till  it  wouldn't  bin  the  clean  thing  for  her  to  have 
taken  off  one  dud  more ;  an'  then  when  she  found  it  war 
no  use  while  the  spurs  lasted,  she  got  cantankerous. 
'  Passun,'  said  she,  <  I'll  be  cust  if  it's  fair  or  gentle- 
manly for  you,  a  preacher  of  the  gospel,  to  take  advantage 
of  an  old  woman  this  way,  usin'  spurs  when  you  know 
she  can't  wear  'em — 'taint  Christian-like  nuther,'  and  she 
burst  into  cryin'.  'Wo!  Miss  Hibbs !  Wo!  Stop! 
Madam !  Wo !  Your  son !' — he  attempted  to  say,  when 
the  old  woman  tuck  him  on  the  back  of  the  head,  and  fill- 
in'  his  mouth  with  right  smart  of  a  saddle-horn,  and  stop- 
pin'  the  talk,  as  far  as  his  share  went  for  the  present. 

"  By  this  time  they'd  got  nigh  on  to  the  meetin'-house, 
and  the  folks  were  harkin'  away  on  «  Old  Hundred,'  and 
wonderin'  what  could  have  become  of  the  passun  and 
mam  Hibbs.  One  sister  in  a  long  beard  axt  another 
brethren  in  church,  if  she'd  heered  anything  'bout  that 
New  York  preecher  runnin'  way  with  a  woman  old 
enough  to  be  his  muther.  The  brethrens  gin  a  long  sigh 
an'  groaned  '  it  ain't  possible !  marciful  heavens !  you  don't 


She  tuk  off  her  shoe,  and  the  way  a  No.  10  go-to-meetin'  hrogan  commenced 
givin'  a  hosa  particular  Moses,  were  a  caution  to  hoss-flesh.': — Page  52. 


I    ..''      :   -  ; 


A    TIGHT   RACE    CONSIDERIn'.  53 

'spicion  ?'  wen  the  sound  of  the  hosses  comin',  roused  them 
up  like  a  touch  of  the  agur,  an'  broke  off  their  sarpent-talk. 
Dad  run  out  to  see  what  was  to  pay,  but  when  he  seed  the 
hosses  so  close  together,  the  passun  spurrin',  and  mam 
ridin'  like  close  war  skase  whar  she  cum,  he  knew  her  fix 
in  a  second,  and  'tarmined  to  help  her ;  so  clinchin'  a  sap- 
lin',  he  hid  'hind  a  stump  'bout  ten  steps  off,  and  held  on  for 
the  hosses.  On  they  went  in  beautiful  style,  the  passun's 
spurs  tellin'  terrible,  and  mam's  shoe  operatin'  <  no  small 
pile  of  punkins,' — passun  stretched  out  the  length  of  two 
hosses,  while  mam  sot  as  stiff  and  strate  as  a  bull  yearling 
in  his  fust  fight,  hittin'  her  nag,  fust  on  one  side,  next  on 
t'other,  and  the  third  for  the  passun,  who  had  chawed  the 
horn  till  little  of  the  saddle,  and  less  of  his  teeth  war  left, 
and  his  voice  sounded  as  holler  as  a  jackass-nicker  in  an* 
old  saw-mill. 

"The  hosses  war  nose  and  nose,  jam  up  together  so  close 
that  mam's  last  kiverin'  and  passun's  flag  had  got  lockt, 
an'  'tween  bleached  domestic  and  striped  linsey  made  a 
beautiful  banner  for  the  pious  racers. 

"  On  they  went  like  a  small  arthquake,  an'  it  seemed 
like  it  war  goin'  to  be  a  draun  race ;  but  dad,  when  they 
got  to  him,  let  down  with  all  his  might  on  colt,  scarin' 
him  so  bad  that  he  jumpt  clean  ahead  of  passun,  beatin' 
him  by  a  neck,  buttin'  his  own  head  agin  the  meetin'- 
house,  an'  pitchin'  mam,  like  a  lam  for  the  sacryfise, 
plum  through  the  winder  'mongst  the  mourners,  leavin' 
her  only  garment  flutterin'  on  a  nail  in  the  sash.  The 
men  shot  their  eyes  and  scrambled  outen  the  house,  an' 
the  women  gin  mam  so  much  of  their  close  that  they  like 
to  put  themselves  in  the  same  fix. 

"  The  passun  quit  the  circuit,  and  I  haven't  been 
home  yet." 


TAKING  GOOD  ADVICE. 

»  Poor  fellow !  if  he  had  only  listened  to  me !  but  he 
wouldn't  take  good  advice,"  is  the  trite  exclamation  of 
the  worldling  when  he  hears  that  some  friend  has  cut 
his  throat,  impelled  by  despair,  or  has  become  bank- 
rupt, or  employed  a  famous  physician,  or  is  about  to  get 
married,  or  has  applied  for  a  divorce,  or  paid  his  honest 
debts,  or  committed  any  deprecated  act,  or  become  the 
victim  of  what  the  world  calls  misfortune  ;  «  poor  fellow, 
but  he  wouldn't  take  good  advice."  Take  good  advice  ! 
yes,  if  I  had  obeyed  what  is  called  good  advice,  I  would 
be  now  in  my  grave  ;  as  it  is,  I  am  still  on  a  tailor's  books, 
the  best  evidence  of  a  man's  being  alive. 

When  I  was  a  boy  my  friends  were  continually  chiding 
me  for  my  half  bent  position  in  sitting  or  walking,  and 
since  I  have  become  a  man  the  cry  is  still  the  same,  »  Why 
don't  you  walk  straight,  Madison?  hold  up  your  head." 

Had  I  obeyed  them ,  a  tree-top  that  fell  upon  me  whilst 
visiting  a  patient  lately,  crushing  my  shoulder  and  bruising 
my  back,  would  have  fallen  directly  upon  my  head,  and 
shown,  in  all  probability,  the  emptiness  of  earthly  things. 
This  is  one  instance  showing  that  good  advice  is  not 
always  best  to  be  taken ;  but  I  have  another,  illustrating 
my  position  still  more  strongly. 

Whilst  a  medical  student,  I  was  travelling  on  one  of  the 
proverbially  fine  and  accommodating  steamers  that  ply 
between  Vicksburg  and  New  Orleans.  Before  my  depar- 
ture, the  anxious  affection  of  a  female  friend  made  her 

(54) 


TAKING    GOOD    ADVICE.  55 

exact  a  promise  from  me  not  to  play  cards ;  but  the  pecu- 
liarity of  the  required  pledge  gave  me  an  opportunity  of 
fulfilling  it  to  the  letter,  but  breaking  it  as  to  the  spirit. 
«  You've  promised  me,  Madison,  not  to  play  cards  whilst 
you're  on  earth:  see  that  you  keep  it."  I  assured  her  I 
would  do  so,  as  it  applied  only  to  shore,  and  when  the 
boat  was  on  a  sand-bar.  It  was  more  her  friendly  solici- 
tude than  any  real  necessity  in  my  habits,  that  made  her 
require  the  promise,  as  I  never  played  except  on  steam- 
boats, and  then  only  at  night,  when  the  beautiful  scenery 
that  skirts  the  river  cannot  be  seen  or  admired. 

It  was  a  boisterous  night  above  in  the  heavens,  making 
the  air  too  cool  for  southern  dress  or  nerves,  so  the  cabin 
and  social  hall  were  densely  crowded,  not  a  small  pro- 
portion engaged  in  the  mysteries  of  that  science  which 
requires  four  knaves  to  play  or  practise  it.  I  had  not  yet 
sat  down,  but  showed  strong  premonitory  symptoms  of 
being  about  to  do  so,  when  my  arm  was  gently  taken  by 
an  old  friend,  who  requested  me  to  walk  with  him  into 
our  state-room.  «  Madison,"  said  the  old  gentleman,  »  I 
want  to  give  you  some  good  advice.  I  see  you  are  about 
to  play  cards  for  money ;  you  are  a  young  man,  and  con- 
sequently have  but  little  knowledge  of  its  pernicious 
effects.  I  speak  from  experience ;  and  apart  from  the 
criminality  of  gambling,  I  assure  you,  you  will  have  but 
little  chance  of  winning  in  the  crowd  you  intend  playing 
with :  in  fact,  you  are  certain  to  lose.  Now  promise  me  you 
won't  play,  and  I  shall  go  to  bed  with  the  satisfaction  that 
I  have  saved  you  from  harm."  The  charm  was  laid  too 
skilfully  upon  me ;  I  would  not  promise,  for  what  was  I  to 
do  in  the  long  nights  of  present  and  future  travel  ?  so  my 
old  friend  gave  me  up  in  despair,  and  retired  to  rest, 
whilst  I  sought  the  card-table. 

Young  and  inexperienced  as  I  was,  an  unusual  strain 


56  TAKING    GOOD   ADVICE. 

of  good  luck  attended  me  ;  and  when  the  game  broke  up 
at  daylight,  I  was  considerably  ahead  of  the  hounds. 

I  retired  to  my  state-room  to  regain  my  lost  sleep,  and 
soon  was  oblivious  of  everything.  How  long  I  slept  I 
do  not  know :  my  dreams  ran  upon  the  past  game ;  and 
just  as  I  held  "four  aces,"  and  had  seen  my  opponent's 
two  hundred  and  went  him  four  hundred  dollars  better,  I 
was  aroused  from  my  slumbers  by  the  confused  cries  of 
"Fire!  Back  her!  Stop  her!  She'll  blow  up  when  she 
strikes !"  and  a  thousand-and-one  undistinguishable 
sounds,  but  all  indicative  of  intense  excitement  and 
alarm. 

Stopping  for  nothing,  I  made  one  spring  from  my  berth 
into  the  middle  of  the  cabin,  alighting  on  the  deserted 
breakfast-table,  amidst  the  crash  of  broken  crockery, 
three  jumps  more  were  taken,  which  landed  me  up  on  the 
hurricane-deck,  where  I  found  nearly  all  the  passengers, 
male  and  female,  assembled  in  a  fearful  state  of  alarm, 
preventing  by  their  outcry  the  necessary  orders,  for  the 
preservation  of  the  boat,  from  being  heard.  I  took  in  the 
whole  scene  at  a  glance.  I  forgot  to  mention,  when  I 
retired  to  rest,  the  wind  was  blowing  to  such  a  degree 
that  every  gust  threatened  to  overset  the  boat.  The  cap- 
tain, who  was  a  prudent,  sensible  man,  had  tied  his  boat 
to  the  shore,  waiting  for  the  storm  to  subside.  After  the 
lapse  of  a  few  hours,  a  calm  having  ensued,  he  cast  loose, 
intending  to  proceed  on  his  way;  but  scarcely  had  he 
done  so,  when  the  wind,  suddenly  increasing,  caught  the 
boat,  and,  in  despite  of  six  boilers  and  the  helm  hard 
down,  was  carrying  her  directly  across  the  Mississippi, 
towards  the  opposite  shore,  where  a  formidable  array  of 
old  "poke-stalks"  and  low,  bluff  banks  were  eagerly 
awaiting  to  impale  us  upon  the  one  hand,  or  knock  us  into 
a  cocked  hat  upon  the  other.    At  this  time  I  arrived  upon 


TAKING    GOOD    ADVICE.  57 

the  scene — the  boat  was  nearly  at  the  shore,  the  waters 
boiling  beneath  her  bows  like  an  infernal  cauldron. 

Great  as  was  the  danger,  there  were  still  some  so  reck- 
less as  to  make  remarks  upon  my  unique  appearance,  and 
turn  the  minds  of  many  from  that  condition  of  religious 
revery  and  mental  casting  up  and  balancing  of  accounts, 
which  the  near  proximity  to  death  so  imminently  required  ; 
and  certainly  I  did  look  queer — no  boots,  no  coat,  no 
drawers — but,  lady  reader,  don't  think  my  bosom  was 
false,  and  I  had  no  subuculus  on.  "  I  didn't  have  any- 
thing else"  on — more  truth  than  poetry,  I  ween.  Sixteen 
young  ladies,  unmindful  of  danger,  ran  shrieking  away ; 
fourteen  married  ones  walked  leisurely  to  the  stern  of  the 
boat,  where  the  captain  had  been  vainly  before  trying  to 
drive  them ;  whilst  two  old  maids  stood  and  looked  at  me 
in  unconscious  astonishment,  wonderful  amazement,  and 
inexpressible  surprise. 

"  Look  out!"  rang  the  shrill  voice  of  the  captain  ;  and, 
with  a  dull,  heavy  thump,  the  boat  struck  the  bank,  jar- 
ring the  marrow  of  every  one  on  board,  save  myself — for, 
just  before  she  struck,  I  calculated  the  distance,  made 
my  jump,  landed  safely,  and  was  snugly  ensconced  be- 
hind a  large  log,  hallooing  for  some  one  to  bring  me  my 
clothes. 

No  damage  of  consequence,  contrary  to  expectations, 
was  done  our  craft ;  and  after  digging  her  out  of  the  bank, 
we  proceeded  on  our  way,  a  heavy  rain  having  succeeded 
the  storm. 

I  was  lying  in  my  state-room,  ruminating  sadly  over 
the  pleasureableness  of  being  the  laughing-stock  of  the 
whole  boat,  when  my  old  adviser  of  the  night  previous 
entered  the  room,  with  too  much  laughter  on  his  face  to 
make  his  coming  moral  deduction  of  much  force. 

"  You  see  now,  Madison,  the  result  of  not  having  fol- 


58  TAKING    GOOD    ADVICE. 

lowed  my  advice.  Had  you  been  governed  by  me,  the 
disagreeable  event  of  the  morning  would  never  have 
occurred ;  you  would  have  been  in  bed  at  the  proper 
hour,  slept  during  the  proper  hours^  been  ready  dressed 
as  a  consequence  at  the  breakfast  hour,  and  not  been  the 
cause  of  such  a  mortal  shock  to  the  delicacy  of  so  many 
delicate  females,  besides  making  a  d — d  unanimous  fool 
of  yourself." 

I  said  but  little  in  reply,  but  thought  a  great  deal.  I 
kept  my  room  the  balance  of  the  trip,  sickness  being  my 
plea. 

I  transacted  my  business  in  the  city,  and  chance  made 
my  old  adviser  and  myself  fellow-passengers  and  room- 
mates again,  on  our  upward  trip.  Night  saw  me  regu- 
larly at  the  card-table,  and  my  old  friend  at  nine  o'clock 
as  constantly  in  bed.. 

It  was  after  his  bed-hour  when  we  reached  Grand 
Gulf,  where  several  lady-passengers  intended  leaving. 
They  were  congregated  in  the  middle  of  the  gentlemen's 
cabin,  bringing  out  baggage  and  preparing  to  leave  as 
soon  as  the  boat  landed. 

At  the  landing  a  large  broad-horn  was  lazily  sleeping, 
squatted  on  the  muddy  waters  like  a  Dutch  beauty  over  a 
warming-pan.  Her  steering-oar — the  broad-horn's,  not 
the  beauty's — instead  of  projecting,  as  custom  and  the 
law  requires,  straight  out  behind,  had  swung  round,  and 
stood  capitally  for  raking  a  boat  coming  up  along  side. 
The  engines  had  stopped,  but  the  boat  had  not  lost  the 
impetus  of  the  steam,  but  was  slowly  approaching  the 
broad-horn,  when  a  crash  was  head — a  state-room  door 
was  burst  open,  and  out  popped  my  ancient  comrade, 
followed  up  closely  by  a  sharp  stick,  in  the  shape  of  the 
greasy  handle  of  the  steering-oar.     It  passed  directly 


THE   DAY    OF   JUDGMENT.  59 

through  my  berth,  and  would  undeniably  have  killed  me, 
had  I  been  in  it. 

It  was  my  turn  to  exult  now.  I  pulled  "  Old  Advice" 
out  from  under  the  table,  and,  as  I  congratulated  him  on 
his  escape,  maliciously  added,  "  You  see,  now,  vhat  play- 
ing cards  is  not  totally  unattended  with  good  effects. 
Had.  I,  agreeably  to  your  advice,  been  in  bed,  I  would 
now  be  a  mangled  corpse,  and  you  enjoying  the  satis' 
faction  that  it  was  your  counsel  that  had  killed  me ; 
whilst,  on  the  other  hand,  had  you  been  playing,  you 
would  have  escaped  your  fright,  and  the  young  ladies 
from  Nankin  in  all  probability  would  never  have  known 
you  slept  in  a  red  bandana.'1  I  made  a  convert  of  him  to 
my  side  ;  we  sat  down  to  a  quiet  game,  and  before  twelve 
that  nicrht  he  broke  me  fiat. 


THE  DAY  OF  JUDGMENT. 

Every  one  is  acquainted  with  the  horror  that  the  presence 
of  the  small-pox,  or  the  rumour — which  is  as  bad — of 
its  being  in  the  neighbourhood,  excites.  A  planter  living 
some  thirty  or  forty  miles  from  where  I  was  studying,  had 
returned  from  New  Orleans,  where  he  had  contracted,  as 
it  afterwards  turned  out,  the  measles,  but  which,  on  their 
first  appearance,  had  been  pronounced  by  a  young,  inex- 
perienced physician,  who  was  first  in  attendance,  an 
undoubted  case  of  small-pox.  The  patient  was  a  nervous, 
excitable  man,  and  consequently  very  much  alarmed  ; 
wishing  further  advice,  he  posted  a  boy  after  my  preceptor, 


60  THE   DAY  OF   JUDGMENT. 

who,  desirous  of  giving  me  an  opportunity  of  seeing  the 
disease,  took  me  with  him. 

The  planter  lived  near  a  small  town  in  the  interior, 
now  no  more,  but  which,  in  the  minds  of  its  projectors 
■ — judging  from  its  lithographed  map — was  destined  to 
rival  the  first  cities  of  the  land.  The  nature  of  the  disease 
was  apparent  in  a  moment  to  my  preceptor's  experienced 
eye ;  but  the  excitability  and  fear  of  the  patient  had 
aggravated  the  otherwise  simple  disease,  so  that  it  pre- 
sented some  really  alarming  symptoms. 

A  liberal  administration  of  the  brandy  bottle  soon  reas- 
sured the  patient  and  moderated  the  disease,  so  that  my 
preceptor,  whose  presence  was  urgently  demanded  at 
home,  could  intrust  him  to  my  care,  giving  me  directions 
how  to  treat  the  case.  He  left  for  home,  and  I  strutted 
about,  proud  in  the  consciousness  of  being  attending  phy- 
sician. It  being  my  first  appearance  in  that  capacity,  you 
may  imagine  that  the  patient  did  not  suffer  for  want  of 
attention.  I  wore  the  enamel  nearly  off  his  teeth  by  the 
friction  produced  by  requiring  the  protrusion  of  his  tongue 
for  examination,  and  examined  his  abdomen  so  often  to 
detect  hidden  inflammation,  that  I  almost  produced,  by  my 
pommelling,  what  I  was  endeavouring  to  discover  in  the 
first  place.  In  despite  of  the  disease  and  doctor,  the  case 
continued  to  improve,  and  I  intended  leaving  in  the  morn- 
ing for  home,  when  the  alarm  of  the  small-pox  being  in 
the  settlement  having  spread,  I  was  put  in  requisition  to 
vaccinate  the  good  people.  Charging  a  dollar  for  each 
operation,  children  half  price,  I  was  reaping  a  harvest  of 
small  change,  when  the  virus  gave  out,  and  plenty  of 
calls  still  on  hand.  Knowing  that  there  was  no  small- 
pox in  the  first  instance,  and  apprehensive  that  the  fears 
of  the  good  folks,  unless  they  imagined  themselves  pro- 
tected, might  produce  bad  effects.  I  committed  a  pious 


THE    DAY  OF   JUDGMENT.  61 

fraud,  and  found  on  the  back  of  my  horse,  which  fortu- 
nately had  been  galled  lately,  an  ample  supply  of  virus. 
My  labours  at  length  terminated,  and  I  prepared  to 
depart,  taking  the  small  town  before-mentioned  in  my 
way ;  I  dismounted  at  the  tavern,  to  get  a  drink  and  have 
my  horse  watered.  On  entering,  I  found  several  acquaint- 
ances whom  I  did  not  expect  to  meet  in  that  section  of 
the  country.  Mutually  rejoiced  at  the  meeting,  it  did  not 
take  us  long  to  get  on  the  threshold  of  one  of  those  wild 
carouses,  which  the  convivial  disposition  of  the  Southerner 
— either  by  birth  or  adoption — so  unfortunately  disposes 
him  to.  The  Bacchanalian  temple  was  soon  entered,  and 
not  a  secret  recess  of  its  grand  proportions  but  what  was 
explored.  Night  closed  upon  the  scene,  and  found  us 
prepared  for  any  wild  freak  or  mad  adventure. 

It  was  the  southern  autumn,  when  the  dark-eyed  night 
has  just  sufficient  compassion  on  old  winter's  wooing  to 
allow  him  the  privilege  of  the  shadow  of  a  kiss, — just  cool 
enough,  in  other  words,  they  were,  to  reconcile  us  to 
a  single  blanket  upon  the  bed,  and  draw  from  the  medi- 
tative minds  of  poverty-stricken  students  a  melancholy 
sigh,  when  the  empty  pocket  reflects  upon  the  almost 
equally  naked  back,  and  curses  it  for  needing  winter 
clothes  at  all  at  all. 

As  yet,  however,  there  had  been  no  frost,  and  the  forests 
still  remained  decked  in  their  holiday  suits,  the  gorgeous 
apparel  of  a  southern  clime. 

With  those  who  have  a  soul  that  the  shoemaker  can- 
not save,  this  is  the  great  season  of  camp-meetings,  love- 
feasts,  protracted  preaching,  and  other  religious  festivals. 
At  this  particular  time  the  religious  world,  and  many  who 
were  not  of  that  stamp,  were  on  the  lookout  for  the  end 
of  the  world,  and  the  day  of  judgment,  which  some  theo- 
75 


62  THE   DAY    OF   JUDGMENT. 

/ogical  calculator  had  figured  up  for  this  year,  and  no 
postponement  on  account  of  the  weather,  sure ! 

The  prediction  had  produced  great  excitement  amongst 
all  with  whom  the  prophet  had  any  credit ;  and  where  his 
credit  stopped  other  commenced — for  some  of  the  know- 
ing ones,  who  firmly  believed  the  prophecy,  purchased 
any  amount  of  goods  at  exorbitant  prices,  at  twelve 
months'  credit,  thinking  they  would  be  in  »  Kingdom 
Come"  before  the  notes  fell  due. 

Camp-meetings  were  being  held  in  all  parts  of  the 
country,  and  prayers  of  all  kinds,  from  the  unpremeditated 
effusion  of  the  conscience-stricken  negro  to  the  elaborate 
supplications  of  the  regularly  initiated  circuit-rider,  arose, 
making  the  welkin  ring  with  the  name  of  Jehovah.  A 
large  meeting  was  in  full  operation  not  far  from  the  place 
where  we  were  passing  the  night  in  less  commendable 
pursuits  ;  and,  judging  from  the  fervency  of  the  prayers, 
declamations,  singing,  screamings,  and  glorifications, 
salvation  was  being  obtained  in  a  very  satisfactory  man- 
ner. The  location  of  the  camp  was  in  the  verge  of  the 
Loosa  Chitta  swamp,  at  the  termination  of  a  long  lane, 
which  extended  from  where  we  were. 

The  night  was  waning  away,  but  still  the  zeal  of  the 
camp-meeting  continued  unabated,  and  bid  fair  to  hail 
the  morning.  We  had  also  reached  our  wildest  state  of 
excitement,  and  were  consequently  ready  for  any  foolish 
scheme  or  reckless  undertaking.  The  proposal  of  one 
of  the  most  imaginative  of  the  number,  that  we  should 
personify  the  fiery  consummation  which  revelation  tells 
us  shall  terminate  this  world,  met  with  unanimous  and 
wild  approval. 

Each  man  furnishing  himself  with  a  flowing  robe  of 
white,  half  the  number — nearly  thirty — carrying  horns, 
and  the  remainder  large  turpentine  torches,  we  prepared  to 


THE    DAY  OF  JUDGMENT.  63 

make  our  descent  upon  the  camp-meeting  in  the  character 
of  the  "  Day  of  Judgment."  There  was  a  large  stray 
mule  in  the  stable  yard  of  the  tavern,  and  we  cruelly  im- 
pressed him  as  a  chief  actor.  By  this  time  the  religion- 
ists, exhausted  by  their  long-continued  exertions,  had 
sunk  into  repose. 

Saturating  the  mule's  hide — which  was  long  and  shaggy 
— well  with  turpentine  and  tar,  all  but  his  head  and  neck, 
which  we  wrapped  in  a  wet  sheet,  we  led  him  to  the 
mouth  of  the  lane  and  applied  a  torch. 

Quicker  than  lightning  the  fire  spread  over  the  body  of 
the  devoted  animal.  With  a  scream  of  terror  and  anguish 
it  darted  off  up  the  lane  in  the  direction  of  the  camp, 
whilst  we  mounted,  with  our  long  mantles  floating  behind 
us,  yelling  like  incarnate  fiends,  sounding  our  horns,  and, 
our  many  torches  flashing  like  meteors  through  the  night, 
pressed  on  after  it  in  hot  and  close  pursuit. 

On !  on !  rushed  the  mule,  the  flames  swelling  tumultu- 
ously  on  every  side,  eddying  above  the  trees,  and  lighting 
the  darkness  with  a  vivid,  lurid  gleam  ;  fiercer  and  faster 
than  the  dread  tempest,  carrying  death  in  its  track,  sped 
he  on  under  the  terrible  infliction. 

We  had  nearly  reached  the  camp-ground,  when,  as  we 
approached  the  plantation  of  the  widow  H.,  which  lay 
adjacent,  we  were  discovered  by  an  old  negro,  who, 
seated  on  the  flat  roof  of  his  cabin,  had  gone  fast  asleep, 
watching  through  the  Ions;  hours  of  the  nis;ht,  for  fear 
that  the  end  of  the  world,  and  the  day  of  judgment,  rnigh*-. 
slip  upon  him  unawares. 

Waking  at  the  critical  time  our  hellish  cortege  ap- 
proached, he  gazed  a  moment,  with  eyes  stretched  to 
their  utmost  capacity,  upon  the  rapidly  nearing  volume 
of  fire  ;  then  springing  from  the  roof,  he  ran  shrieking  his 
dolesome  summons  to  the  camp:  "  White  folks  riz!    De 


64  THE   DAY    OF   JUDGMENT. 

Laud  be  marsyful!  De  end  of  de  warld  an'  de  day  of 
judgmen'  hab  pass,  and  here  cums  hell  rite  up  de  lane ! 
Whoop  !  I  love  my  Jesus  !  Master,  cum  !" 

The  meeting,  awakened  from  their  slumbers  by  his  tur- 
moil, rushed  out,  and  when  they  too  saw  the  approaching 
fire-breathing  mass,  they  believed  with  the  negro,  that  the 
day  of  judgment  had  passed,  and  Pandemonium — hot  at 
that — was  coming  with  its  awful  torments. 

Supplications  for  mercy,  screams  of  anguish,  prayers 
and  blasphemies,  horror-stricken  moans  of  the  converts, 
the  maniacal  shouts  of  the  conscience-stricken  sinners, 
and  the  calm  collected  songs  of  the  really  righteous, 
swelled  on  the  wind ;  mingled  with  the  roaring  of  the 
flames,  our  piercing  yells,  discordant  horns,  and  the  hor- 
rible cries  of  the  consuming  animal. 

The  thousand  echoes  of  the  swamp  took  up  the  sound, 
and  the  wild-wood,  if  filled  with  screaming  devils,  could 
not  have  given  back  a  more  hideous  outcry. 

On!  on!  sped  the  victim — we  in  his  train  —  in  his 
haste  to  reach  the  waters  of  the  "  Loosa  Chitta"  and  allay 
his  sufferings.  The  stream  was  nearly  reached ;  with 
ecstasy  the  poor  brute  beheld  the  glistening  waters ;  he 
sped  on  with  accelerated  steps — one  more  spring,  and  he 
would  find  surcease  of  anguish  'neath  their  cooling  waves. 
But  he  was  destined  never  to  reach  them ;  he  fell  ex- 
hausted on  the  brink,  vainly  endeavouring,  with  extended 
neck,  to  allay  his  fiery  thirst ;  as  the  flame,  now  bereft  of 
fuel,  sent  up  its  last  flickering  ray,  the  poor  mule,  with  a 
low  reproachful  moan,  expired. 


A  RATTLESNAKE  ON  A  STEAMBOAT. 

Shortly  before  the  usual  time  for  wending  my  way 
North  to  the  medical  lectures,  an  opportunity  was  afforded 
me  by  an  ingenious  negro,  who  had  caught  the  reptile 
asleep,  of  exchanging  a  well-worn  blanket  coat  and  two 
dimes, — principally  in  cash — for  as  fine  a  specimen  of 
the  Rattlesnake  as  ever  delighted  the  eye  or  ear  of  a 
naturalist ;  nine  inches  across  the  small  of  the  back,  six 
feet  seven-eighths  of  an  inch  in  length,  eyes  like  globular 
lightning,  colours  as  gaudy  as  an  Arkansas  gal's  apron, 
twenty-three  rattles  and  a  button,  and  a  great  propensity 
to  make  them  heard,  were  the  strong  points  of  my  pur- 
chase. 

Designing  him  as  a  propitiatory  offering  to  one  of  the 
professors,  my  next  care  was  to  furnish  him  with  a  fitting 
habitation.  Nothing  better  presenting  itself,  I  made  him 
one  out  of  a  pine  box,  originally  designed  for  shoes,  by 
nailing  thin  slats  transversely,  so  as  neither  to  exclude  air 
or  vision,  but  sufficiently  close,  I  thought,  to  prevent  him 
from  escaping.  The  day  for  my  departure  arrived,  and  I 
had  his  snakeship  carried  on  board  the  boat  destined  to 
bear  me  to  V ,  where  I  would  take  an  Ohio  steamer. 

Unfortunately  for  the  quietude  of  my  pet,  on  the  Yazoo 
boat  was  a  young  cockney  lady,  who,  hearing  that  there 
was  a  live  rattlesnake  on  board,  allowed  her  curiosity  to 
overcome  her  maiden  diffidence  sufficiently  to  prefer  a 
request  that  the  young  doctor  "  would  make  'is  hanimal 
oiler?"   a   process  which  the  proverbial  abstemiousness 

(65) 


66  A    RATTLESNAKE   ON    A    STEAMBOAT. 

when  in  confinement  of  the  "  hanimal"  was  accomplishing 
rapidly  without  any  intervention  on  my  part.  Politeness 
would  not  allow  me  to  refuse,  and  as  it  was  considerable 
of  a  novelty  to  the  passengers,  his  snakeship  was  kept 
constantly  stirred  up,  and  his  rattles  had  very  little  rest 
that  trip. 

The  steamer  at  length  swung  alongside  the  wharf  boat 

at  V ,  and  transferring  my  baggage,  I  lounged  about 

until  the  arrival  of  a  boat  would  give  me  an  opportunity 
of  proceeding.  The  contents  of  the  box  were  quickly 
discovered  ;  and  the  snake  had  to  undergo  the  same 
inflictions  as  the  day  previous — -until,  thoroughly  vexed, 
I  made  them  desist,  and  resolved  thenceforth  I  would 
conceal  his  presence  and  allow  him  to  travel  as  common 
baggage. 

"The  shades  of  night  were  falling  fast,"  as  the  steamei 
Congress  came  booming  along,  and,  after  a  detention  of 
a  few  minutes  for  passengers,  proceeded  on  her  way, 
obtaining  none  however  except  myself.  The  snake-box 
was  placed  with  the  other  baggage  on  the  cabin  deck  in 
front  of  the  "  social  hall,"  jam  up,  as  luck  would  have 
it,  against  one  of  the  chimneys,  making  the  location 
unpleasantly  warm.  It  was  one  of  those  clear,  luminous 
nights  in  autumn,  when  not  a  cloud  dims  the  azure,  and 
the  heavens  so  "beautifully blue,"  (Alas!  poorNeal,)  are 
gleaming  with  their  myriad  stars,  when  the  laughing  breeze 
lifts  the  hair  off  the  brow  and  presses  the  cheek  with  as 
soft  a  touch  as  the  pulpy  lips  of  a  maiden  in  her  first  essay 
at  kissing.  The  clear,  croupy  cough  of  the  steamer  was 
echoed  back  in  prolonged  asthmatic  strains  from  the  dark 
woods  lining  the  river,  like  an  army  of  cowled  gigantic 
monks  come  from  their  cells  to  see  a  steamboat.  Supper 
was  over,  and  the  beauty  of  the  night  had  enticed  the  ma- 
jority of  the  passengers  from  the  cabin  to  the  open  deck. 


A   RATTLESNAKE   ON   A    STEAMBOAT.  67 

A  goodly  number,  myself  amongst  the  rest,  were  seated 
in  front  of  the  social  hall,  smoking  our  cigars,  and  swap- 
ping yarns  of  all  climes,  sizes,  nations,  and  colours. 

Sitting  a  few  yards  from  me,  the  most  prominent  per- 
sonage of  the  group,  smoking  a  chiboque,  and  regaling 
the  crowd  with  the  manner  in  which  he  choked  a  «  Cobra 
de  Capello"  to  death  that  crawled  into  his  hammock  in 
India,  was  an  old  English  sailor,  who,  from  his  own 
account,  had  sailed  over  all  the  world,  and  through  some 
parts  of  it. 

Weighing  the  words  down  with  a  heavy  ballast  of  oaths. 
he  said  he  "  wasn't  afraid  of  anything  in  the  snake  line, 
from  the  sea  serpent  down  to  the  original  snake  that 
tempted  Eve."  I  asked  him  if  he  had  ever  met  the  rattle- 
snake since  he  had  been  in  America,  thinking  I  would 
put  his  courage  to  the  test  on  the  morrow. 

"  Seen  a  rattlesnake?  Yes,  enough  to  sink  a  seventy- 
four?  Went  to  Georgia  on  purpose  to  kill  them.  Pshaw! 
To  think  a  man  that  had  killed  a  boa  constrictor,  fair  fight, 
should  be  fraid  of  a  little  noisy  flirt  of  a  snake  that  never 
grew  bigger  round  than  a  marlin  spike  !" 

At  this  moment  the  boat  was  running  a  bend  near  in 
shore,  and  the  glare  of  a  huge  fire  at  a  wood-yard  was 
thrown  directly  under  the  chair  of  the  braggart,  when,  to 
my  utter  amazement  I  saw  there,  snugly  coiled  up,  the 
huge  proportions  of  my  snake  ! 

I  was  so  astonished  and  horrified  that  I  could  neither 
speak  nor  move.  I  had  left  him  securely  fastened  in  his 
cage,  and  yet  there  he  was  at  liberty,  in  his  deadly  coil, 
his  eyes  gleaming  like  living  coals.  The  light  was  inter- 
cepted, and  the  foot  of  the  sailor  moving  closer  to  the 
reptile  it  commenced  its  warning  rattle,  but  slowly  and 
irregularly,  showing  it  was  not  fully  aroused. 

"  What  is  that?"  exclaimed  a  dozen  voices. 


68  A    RATTLESNAKE    ON   A    STEAMBOAT. 

The  foot  being  withdrawn,  the  rattling  ceased  before 
its  nature  or  source  could  be  clearly  traced. 

"  'Twas  the  steam  escaping,"  said  one. 

"  A  goose  hissing,"  said  another. 

«  The  wind." 

«  A  trick  to  scare  the  sailor,"  thought  a  good  many  ; 
but  J  knew  it  was  a  rattlesnake  in  his  deadly  coil ! 

The  horror  of  that  moment  I  shall  not  attempt  to  de- 
scribe ;  every  second  I  expected  to  hear  the  shriek  of  the 
sailor  as  the  deadly  fangs  would  penetrate  his  flesh,  and  I 
knew  if  a  vein  were  stricken  no  power  on  earth  could 
avail  him,  and  I  powerless  to  warn  him  of  his  danger. 

"  It  sounded  monstrous  like  a  rattlesnake !"  observed  a 
passenger,  "  but  there  are  no  doctors  or  fool  students  on 
board,  and  nobody  but  cusses  like  them  would  be  taking 
snakes  'bout. 

"  I  was  gwine  up  the  Massassip  wunst  when  a  rattle- 
snake belonging  to  a  medercal  student  on  board,  got  out 
and  bit  one  of  the  passengers  ;  the  poor  crittur  didn't  live 
ten  minutes,  and  the  sawbone's  'prentice  not  much  longer 
I  reckon." 

My  hair  stood  on  end,  for  there  was  an  earnestness 
about  the  man  that  told  me  he  was  not  joking. 

"  You  did'nt  kill  him,  surely  ?"  asked  some  one. 

"  Oh,  no!  we  did'nt  'zactly  kill  him,  sich  as  cuttin'  his 
throat,  or  puttin'  lead  in  his  holler  cimblin,  for  that  would 
have  been  takin'  the  law  inter  our  own  hands  ;  but  we 
guv  him  five  hundred  lashes,  treated  him  to  a  coat  of  tar 
and  feathers,  made  a  clean  crop  of  one  ear,  and  a  swal- 
low-forked-slit-under-bit-and-half-crop  of  the  other,  an' 
put  him  out  on  a  little  island  up  to  his  mouth  in  water  an" 
the  river  risin1  a  plum  foot  an  hour!" 

Not  knowing  but  a  similar  fate  might  soon  be  mine,  in 
agony,  with  the  cold  sweat  streaming  over  me.  I  listened 


■  Bui  h;trul>  had  he  reached  the  deck,  when  he  discovered  the  monster  rattlesnake — 
his  head  drawn  back  ready  for  striking-"— Page  09. 


A    RATTLESNAKE    ON    A    STEAMBOAT.  69 

to  this  infernal  recital  of  an  instance  of  the  summary  pun- 
ishment termed  "  Lynch  Law,"  to  which  the  unavailability 
of  the  statute  law  so  often  drove  the  early  settlers,  and 
which,  unfortunately  for  the  fair  character  of  the  South  and 
West,  is  not  yet  entirely  abolished. 

The  sailor  must  again  have  moved  his  foot  closer  than 
agreeable  to  the  snake,  for  his  infernal  rattling  recom- 
menced, and  this  time  clear,  loud,  and  continuous  to  the 
tutored  ear,  indicating  great  danger,  the  prelude  to  a  fatal 
spring. 

I  shook  off  my  lethargy,  and  shrieked  out,  "Don't  move 
for  your  life!  a  light!  for  God's  sake  bring  a  light! 
Quick!  quick!"     None  moved — thinking  I  was  jesting. 

"  Mister,"  spoke  the  sailor,  «  if  it's  a  trick  to  scare  me, 
you'll  miss  the  figure  with  your  child's  rattle.  Jes  bring 
one  of  your  real  rattlesnakes  along,  and  I'll  show  you 
whether  he  can  frighten  an  English  sailor  or  not." 

Hearing  me  calling  so  loudly  for  a  light,  the  mate,  a 
stalwart  Irishman,  came  running  up  with  a  large  torch, 
but  hardly  had  he  reached  the  deck,  when  he  discovered 
the  monster — his  head  drawn  back  ready  for  striking. 

"  Snake!  snake  !"  yelled  he,  punching  at  him  with  his 
glaring  torch. 

"  Whereabouts,  you  lubber?"  said  the  sailor,  still  sus- 
pecting a  trick. 

"  Under  your  feet." 

The  sailor  looked  down,  and  beheld  the  hideous  reptile 
directly  under  his  chair.  With  a  loud  yell,  he  made  but 
one  spring  over  the  guards  into  the  river. 

»  Rattlesnake  !" 

"  Man  overboard!" 

"Stop  her!" 

"Out  with  the  yawl!" 

"  Fire !" 


70  A    RATTLESNAKE   ON   A   STEAMBOAT. 

«  Snake!'' 

"  She's  sinking!" 

"Shoot  him!" 

"Snake!" 

"Whose  is  it?" 

"  Lynch  the  rascal !" 

"Kill  the  scoundrel!"  swelled  on  the  air,  mingled  with 
the  crashing  of  broken  doors  and  chairs,  the  oaths  and 
rushing  of  terrified  men,  and  the  screaming  of  still  more 
terrified  women,  who  knew  not  what  to  fear,  while  clear 
and  distinct  above  the  infernal  melde  arose  the  piercing 
rattle  of  the  snake,  who,  writhing  his  huge  proportions 
about,  and  striking  at  everything  near  him,  seemed  to 
glory  in  the  confusion  he  had  created. 

A  shot  was  heard,  and  then  the  coil  collapsed,  and  the 
rattling  slowly  ceased.     The  snake  was  dead. 

"  Who  brought  him  on  board  ?" 

"  Let's  lynch  the  scoundrel !" 

"  Are  there  any  more  of  them  ?" 

"  Here's  the  box  he  got  out  of!" 

My  name  was  on  it  in  large  capitals. 

"  Throw  it  overboard  !" 

"Throw  it  overboard!"  I  yelled  out,  "it  may  have 
more  in  it,  throw  it  overboard." 

No  sooner  said  than  done,  and  as  the  only  evidence  of 
my  participation  floated  over  the  wave,  no  one  was  louder 
in  his  denunciation,  no  one  wanted  to  be  shown — in  order 
that  he  might  be  lynched — the  rascal  that  brought  it  on 
board,  more  than  I  did,  except,  perhaps,  it  was  the  sailor, 
who,  now  thoroughly  humbled,  stood  shivering  in  his  wet 
clothes  by  the  furnace,  ready  to  acknowledge  that  the 
"  little,  noisy  flirt  of  an  American  snake,  no  larger  than 
a  marlin'  spike,"  was  "some  snakes"  certain. 


FRANK  AND  THE  PROFESSOR. 

It  wanted  but  a  few  days  of  the  commencement  of  the 
lectures.  Having  procured  a  boarding-house,  and  fur- 
nished myself  with  the  necessary  books  and  tickets,  I  was 
sauntering  over  the  city,  amusing  myself  with  the  many 
strange  sights  which  pass  unnoticed  by  the  denizens,  yet 
have  such  an  attraction  for  the  grave  rat  just  emerged 
from  the  country,  when  I  was  hailed  by  a  Southern 
acquaintance — a  rattling,  red-headed  fellow,  of  Irish  de- 
scent ;  the  proof  of  which,  the  tip  of  his  tongue  always 
presented. 

"  How  are  you,  Tensas — when  did  you  arrive — slaved 
many  the  past  summer?  I  brought  them  to  their  senses 
in  my  section,  certain ;  for  the  grand  jury  found  a  true 
bill  against  me  in  thirteen  cases  for  manslaughter.  Let's 
take  a  drink.  Ha  !  ha  !  I  want  to  tell  you  of  an  occur- 
rence that  happened  to  old  .     Bless  his  sugar-loaf 

head !  if  he'd  only  let  me  left  when  I  first  wanted,  I'd 
always  hereafter  write  his  name  without  the  first  letter. 
You  see,  Ten,  I  had  letters  of  introduction  for  the  old 
chap  ;  and  I  thought  I'd  deliver  them  early,  and  get  on 
his  good  side  before  the  winter's  course  of  sprees  com- 
menced. I  suppose  you  know,  as  he's  a  widower,  and 
writing  a  book,  and  deeply  in  debt — to  his  Maker — that 
he  lives  up  in  the  college,  and  cooks  his  own  victuals, 
and  has  quite  a  retired  life  of  it,  as  my  uncle  the  post- 
master remarked  about  his  own  situation,  when  the  de 
partment  gave  him  his  walking-papers.    Well,  I  went  up 

(71) 


72  FRANK    AND    THE   PROFESSOR. 

to  his  room  when  everything  was  quiet  about  the  college, 
thinking  what  a  nice  scientific  disquisition  we  could  have, 
if  the  old  gentleman,  knowing  I  was  a  hunter,  was  to  ask 
me  why  the  rings  on  a  coon's  tail  didn't  grow  parallel  to 
the  axis  of  its  long  diameter,  instead  of  the  short ;  or,  to 
which  fowl  did  a  young  duck  owe  the  most  filial  love — to 
the  duck  that  laid  the  egg,  or  the  hen  that  hatched  it  ? 
And  such  like  questions,  worthy  of  being  lucubrated  upon 
by  great  minds  only. 

"  I  found  the  old  gentleman  very  complacent  and  easy, 
standing  up  in  his  night-shirt  and  making  whiskey-toddy 
in  a  teapot,  whilst  he  gave  the  last  touch  to  an  introduc- 
tory oration  for  the  P.  T.  S. 

"'Prof.  ,  I  presume?'  said  I,  knocking  at  the 

door  after  I  had  opened  it — thinking,  that  as  I  had  forgot- 
ten it  at  first,  it  would  be  an  imputation  on  Southern 
manners  to  neglect  it  entirely. 

" '  The  same,'  said  he,  with  the  most  perfect  com- 
posure, knocking  his  oration  into  the  stove,  upsetting  his 
punch,  and  leaving  half  of  his  subuculus  on  a  nail  as  he 
jumped  into  the  next  room ;  whilst  I,  pulling  off  my 
boots,  and  finishing  what  little  punch  had  not  run  out, 
told  him  not  to  distress  himself  putting  on  his  best 
clothes,  or  preparing  much  dinner,  as  I  had  lunched  very 
heartily. 

"  In  a  few  moments  he  returned,  and  seemed  to  be  in  the 
best  humour  imaginable  at  the  perfect  homeability  I  was 
surrounding  myself  with. 

"  Thinking  him  a  queer  one,  I  resolved  on  making  myself 
as  agreeable  as  possible,  as  I  saw  from  the  way  his  face 
was  screwed  up  he  had  the  toothache  badly  and  needed 
comfort ;  so  I  asked  him  how  long  his  wife  had  been  dead, 
and  whether  there  was  any  truth  in  the  report  that  he  was 
courting  a  widow  on  Fifth  Street ;  also,  if  he  bought  his 


FRANK    AND    THE    PROFESSOR.  73 

Irish  whiskey  by  the  gallon  or  cask ;  he  apparently  did 
not  hear  these  kind  inquiries,  but  asked  if  I  had  not  a 
letter  of  introduction. 

»  <  True  for  you,  I  have,  and  there  it  is,'  handing  him  a 

fiftv  dollar  bill ;  it  belongs  to  me,  and  I'm  Frank  Mc ; 

take  the  price  of  your  winter's  jaw  out  of  it,  and  we'll  see 
what's  in  town  with  the  balance.' 

"  He  got  well  of  his  toothache  in  a  moment.  '  Happy 
to  make  your  acquaintance ;  you're  from  the  southern 
swamps,  plenty  of  chill  and  fever  there  ;  permit  me  to 
read  for  your  critical  attention  a  few  pages  I  have  written, 
in  my  book  on  the  subject.' 

«  '  With  the  greatest  pleasure  in  the  world,'  I  replied  ; 
'  allow  me  to  subscribe  to  your  work;  deduct  it  out  of  the 
fifty.'  He  commenced  reading  a  description  of  a  Missis- 
sippi agur,  and  cuss  me  if  it  wasn't  so  natural  I  shivered 
all  over ;  and  the  tears  pop't  out  of  my  eyes  like  young 
pigeons  out  of  a  loft,  when  I  thought  of  the  last  shake  I 
had  in  far  distant  Massassip,  sitting  on  a  muddy  log  fight- 
ing the  mosquitoes,  and  waiting  for  a  steamboat  to  bear 
me  from  her  friendly  bosom.  You  ought  to  have  heard 
him  when  he  described  the  awful  effects  it  had  upon  our 
gals,  developing  their  spleens,  and  bringing  the  punkin 
to  their  blessed  faces ;  there  was  a  pathos  in  his  language, 
a  tremor  in  his  voice,  soft  as  the  warbling  of  a  he-dove 
before  he  pitches  into  a  pea-patch. 

»  '  Then  it  is,'  he  read,  t  when  the  deleterious  emana- 
tions of  the  decomposing  vegetation  have  penetrated  the 
inmost  recesses  and  mysterious  intricacies  of  the  corporeal 
constituents  of  the  intellectual  inhabitants,  that  humanity 
instigates  the  benevolent  individual  to  mournfully  and 
sadly  deliberate  over  the  probable  effects,  after  a  perpe- 
tuity of  continuance  of  such  morbific  impressions.' 

"  I  was  delighted  at  the  grand  simplicity  of  his  expres- 


74  FRANK    AND    THE   PROFESSOR. 

sion,  and  was  giving  my  approbation  too  much  vent,  when 
tap,  tap,  went  something  at  the  door. 

"  'And  even  beauteous  woman,'  continued  the  professor, 
«  goes  a' — tap,  tap — c  whilst  ever  is  heard' — tap,  tap — <  and 
nature  assimilating' — tap,  tap — 'mournfully  weeps  over  the 
silent' — bom,  bom,  went  the  outsider,  growing  impatient. 
'Bless  me!  who's  there?  come  in,' — and  an  hour-glass, 
the  sand  nearly  out,  was  substituted  for  the  punch-bowl — 
<  Come  in ;'  the  door  opened,  and  gave  admittance  to  what 
would  have  been  a  handsome  young  woman,  had  the  care 
in  her  heart  not  written  '  at  home'  so  legibly  on  her  cheek. 
'  Take  a  seat,  ma'am.' 

"  '  I  will  call  again,  professor,'  said  I,  rising. 

"  '  No,  no,  sir,  sit  down,  sir.  Madam,  how  can  I  serve 
you?' 

'"  I  am  in  a  great  hurry,  professor,'  I  said  again,  seiz- 
ing my  hat. 

"  '  No,  sir,  I  insist  you  must  not  leave.  Madam,  what 
do  you  want?'  and  the  poor  professor  jumped  from  his 
seat  to  the  door,  and  from  the  door  to  his  seat,  asking, 
almost  sternly,  '  Madam,  what  do  you  want?' 

"  '  I'm  a  poor  widow,  with  a  large  family  of  children,  and 
hearing  that  you  were  a  very  charitable  gentleman,  and — ' 

"  '  Professor,  I  cannot  stand  this  pitiable  narrative. 
Madam,  there  is  some  money  for  you.  You  must  indeed 
excuse  me.      I  shall  not  be  able  to  restrain  my  tears.' 

" '  No,  sir,  stay,  I  command  you,  I  insist.  Woman, 
what  do  you  want  ?  in  the  name  of  virtue,  what  do  you 
want?'  The  widow  commenced  her  piteous  appeal  again, 
when,  quite  overcome,  I  rushed  from  the  room,  followed 
by  the  voice  of  the  ruined  professor,  who  feared  that  his 
reputation  was  for  ever  gone.  '  Woman,  in  the  name  of 
Jehovah,  what  do  you  want?' 

Poor  Frank !     Death's  dark  garniture  hath  clothed  his 


THE    CURIOUS    WIDOW.  75 

piercing  eye ;  friendship  and  sorrow  no  more  thrill  his  heart, 
and  the  noisome  worm  revels  in  the  home  of  high  and 
noble  daring.  He  died !  not  on  the  sick-bed,  with  mourn- 
ing friends  gathered  around,  but  on  the  battle-field,  fight- 
ing for  his  country,  on  the  victor  soldier's  bed — the  body 
of  his  foe.  And  of  all  the  warm  leal  hearts  that  were 
stilled,  of  all  the  true  spirits  that  floated  up  to  God,  from 
thy  glorious  but  bloody  field,  Buena  Vista!  silence  fell 
not  on  a  nobler  breast — not  a  truer  soul  went  up  than  rose 
from  thy  bosom,  Frank — true  friend  of  my  early  man- 
hood! 


THE  CURIOUS  WIDOW. 

During  my  first  course  of  lectures  I  became  a  boarder 
at  the  house  of  a  widow  lady,  the  happy  mother  of  a 
brace  and  a  half  of  daughters,  the  quartette  possessing 
so  much  of  the  distinguishing  characteristic  of  the  softer 
sex,  that  I  often  caught  myself  wondering  in  what  nook 
or  corner  of  their  diminutive  skulls  they  kept  the  rest  of 
the  faculties. 

Occupying  the  same  room  that  I  did,  were  two  other 
students  from  the  same  section  of  country  as  myself,  and 
possessing  pretty  much  the  same  tastes  and  peculiarities. 
One  thino;  certain  we  agreed  in,  and  that  was  a  detestation 
of  all  curiosity-stricken  women  ;  for  never  were  poor  devils 
worse  bothered  by  researches  than  we  were.  Not  a 
pocket  of  any  garment  left  in  our  rooms  could  remain 
unexamined,  not  a  letter  remain  on  our  table  unread,  nor 
scarcely  a  word  of  conversation  pass  without  a  soft,  sub- 
dued breathing  at  the  key-hole  telling  us  we  were  eaves- 


76  THE    CURIOUS   WIDOW. 

dropped.  Matters  came  at  length  to  such  a  pass,  and  so 
thorough  became  the  annoyance,  that  nothing  but  the 
difficulty  of  obtaining  suitable  accommodation  elsewhere, 
prevented  us  from  bidding  a  tender  adieu  to  the  widow, 
and  promising  to  pay  her  our  board  bill  as  soon  as  our 
remittances  arrived. 

As  the  evil  had  to  be  endured  for  a  while,  at  least,  we 
soon  invented  and  arranged  a  plan  for  breaking  her  of  her 
insatiable  curiosity,  and  making  her,  what  she  was  in 
other  respects,  a  good  landlady. 

The  boarding-house  was  a  large  two-story  frame,  with 
a  flight  of  steps  on  one  side,  extending  from  the  street  to 
the  second  story,  so  as  to  give  admittance  to  the  boarders 
without  the  necessity  of  opening  the  front  door  or  disturb- 
ing the  family  when  we  came  in  late  at  night.  It  was 
very  cold  weather,  and  our  mess  were  busily  engaged 
every  night  until  a  late  hour  at  the  dissecting-rooms, 
and  it  was  during  this  necessary  absence  that  the  widow 
made  her  researches  and  investigations.  The  subject  that 
we  were  engaged  upon  was  one  of  the  most  hideous 
specimens  of  humanity  that  ever  horrified  the  sight.  The 
wretch  had  saved  his  life  from  the  hangman  by  dying 
the  eve  before  the  day  of  execution,  and  we,  by  some 
process  or  other,  became  the  possessors  of  his  body.  Just 
emaciated  sufficiently  to  remove  the  fatty  tissue,  and  leave 
the  muscles  and  blood-vessels  finely  developed,  still  he 
was  so  hideous  that  nothing  but  my  devotion  to  anatomy, 
and  the  fineness  of  the  subject,  could  reconcile  me  to  the 
dissection;  and  even  after  working  a  week  upon  him,  I 
never  caught  a  glimpse  of  his  countenance  but  what  I 
had  the  nightmare  in  consequence.  He  was  one  of  that 
peculiar  class  called  Albinoes,  or  white  negroes.  Every 
feature  was  deformed  and  unnatural ;  a  horrible  hare-lip, 
the  cleft  extending  half  way  up  his  nose  externally,  and 


THE    CURIOUS    WIDOW.  77 

pair  of  tushes  projecting  from  his  upper  jaw,  completed 
his  bill  of  horrors.  It  was  with  him,  or  rather  his  face, 
that  we  determined  to  cure  our  landlady  of  her  prying 
propensities. 

It  was  the  work  of  a  few  minutes  to  slice  the  face  from 
the  skull,  and  arrange  it  so  that  from  any  point  of  view 
it  would  look  horrible.  Having  procured  a  yard  of  oil- 
cloth, we  sewed  it  to  the  face,  and  then  rolled  it  care- 
fully up  ;  tying  this  securely,  we  next  enveloped  it  in  a 
number  of  wrappers,  fastening  each  separately,  so  that 
her  curiosity  would  be  excited  to  the  utmost  degree  be- 
fore the  package  could  be  completely  opened.  At  the 
usual  hour  we  returned  home,  carrying  our  extra  face 
along ;  not,  however,  without  many  a  shudder. 

Upon  entering  our  room,  we  saw  that  the  spoiler  had 
been  there,  although  she  had  endeavoured  to  leave  things 
as  near  the  condition  she  found  them  in  as  possible. 

With  a  hearty  malediction  upon  all  curious  women,  we 
eat  our  cold  snack,  which  the  kind-hearted  widow — for, 
despite  of  her  being  a  widow,  she  was  really  kind-hearted 
— always  had  awaiting  our  return,  and  retired  to  rest,  de- 
termined that  the  morrow's  night  should  bring  all  things 
even. 

I  endeavoured  to  sleep  ;  but  that  hideous  face,  which 
we  had  locked  securely  in  a  trunk,  kept  staring  at  me 
through  its  many  envelopes — and  when  the  cold  winter's 
sun  shone  in  at  the  casement,  it  found  me  still  awake 
Nervous  and  irritated,  I  descended  to  breakfast;  and 
nothing  but  the  contemplation  of  my  corning  revenge 
prevented  me  from  treating  the  widow  with  positive  im 
politeness.  Bless  her  not-despairing-of-marrying-again 
spirit!  who  could  keep  angry  with  her?  Such  a  sweet 
smile  of  ineffable  goodness  and  spiritual  innocence  rested 
on  her  countenance,  that  I  almost  relented  of  my  purpose, 
76 


78  THE    CURIOUS    WIDOW. 

but  my  love-letters  read,  my  duns  made  evident,  my 
poetry  criticized  by  eyes  to  which  Love  would  not  lend 
his  blindness,  to  make  perfect ;  and  then — she  is  a  widow! 
My  heart,  at  this  last  reflection,  became  immediately 
barred  to  the  softening  influences  of  forgiveness,  and  I 
determined  in  all  hostility  to  fact  her. 

The  lectures  that  day,  as  far  as  we  were  concerned, 
fell  upon  listless  ears,  for  we  were  thinking  too  much  of 
what  the  night  was  to  bring  forth,  to  pay  much  attention 
to  them.  The  day  at  last  had  its  close, — I  suppose  fa- 
ther Time,  its  tailor,  furnished  them  on  tick.  It  had  been 
snowing  all  the  evening,  and  at  supper  we  complained 
bitterly,  how  disagreeable  it  would  be  walking  to  the  col- 
lege, and  working  that  night,  and  wished  that  we  were 
not  dissecting,  so  that  we  might  stay  at  home  and  answer 
the  letters  we  had  received  from  home  that  day.  "  Busi- 
ness could  not  be  neglected  for  the  weather,"  was  our  con- 
clusion expressed  to  the  widow ;  so  after  supper  we  donned 
our  dissecting-clothes,  and  putting  the  package  for  the 
widow  in  a  coat  pocket,  hung  it  up  in  a  prominent  place, 
so  it  could  be  found  readily.  Telling  the  family  we  would 
not  be  back  until  late,  and  making  as  much  noise  as  pos- 
sible with  our  feet,  so  as  to  assure  her  we  were  going,  we 
left  the  house  as  if  for  the  college. 

We  went  no  further,  howerer,  than  to  the  nearest  coffee- 
house, where,  by  the  time  we  had  smoked  a  cigar,  we 
judged  sufficient  time  had  elapsed  for  the  widow  to  com- 
mence researches. 

Returning  to  the  boarding-house,  we  pulled  off'  our 
boots  and  noiselessly  ascended  the  outside  steps,  the  door 
at  the  head  of  which  we  had  left  open.  There  was  a 
short  passage  leading  from  it  to  the  door  of  our  room, 
which  we  had  left  closed,  but  now  perceived  to  be  ajar. 
-Silently,  as  a  doctor  speaking  of  the  patients  he  has  lost, 


THE    CURIOUS   WIDOW.  79 

we  approached  it,  and,  on  peeping  in,  to  our  great  grati- 
fication found  everything  working  as  we  had  desired. 
The  widow  had  got  the  package  out,  and  was  occupied 
in  viewing  it  attentively  from  all  sides,  and  studying  the 
character  of  the  knots  of  the  ligatures  embracing  it,  so  she 
could  restore  everything  to  its  original  condition,  when 
her  curiosity  was  satisfied  as  to  its  contents.  Having  im- 
pressed its  shape,  and  the  peculiarity  of  tie,  well  upon  her 
mind,  she  proceeded  to  take  off  the  first  cover,  which  was 
soon  done,  when  a  similar  envelope  met  her  eye  ;  this, 
after  undergoing  the  same  scrutiny,  was  removed,  when 
yet  another  met  her  gaze;  this  detached,  and  still  the 
kernel  was  unreached  ;  some  six  or  eight  were  taken  off, 
and  at  length  she  came  to  the  last,  the  oil -skin.  Poor 
old  lady!  she  has  long  been  where  the  curiosity  of  life 
never  penetrates,  and  the  grandest  and  most  awful  mystery 
of  our  nature  is  revealed ;  yet,  I  see  her  now,  as  the  last 
envelope  of  the  mysterious  package  was  reached,  and 
when  a  gleam  of  satisfaction  shot  like  an  erysipelatous 
blush  over  her  anxious  face,  as  she  saw  the  consummation 
of  her  long  expectancy  approaching.  There  she  stood, 
with  spectacles  buried  so  deeply  'neath  her  brows  as 
almost  to  appear  a  portion  of  her  visage ;  neck — not  of 
apoplectic  proportions — elongated  to  its  utmost  capacity  ; 
lips — from  which  the  ruby  of  youth  had  departed,— wiue 
disclosed, — showing  what  our  swamp  lands  are  famous 
for — big  gams  and  old  snags ;  in  fact,  the  embodiment 
of  woman  in  her  hour  of  curiosity.  Holding  the  package 
in  one  hand  and  the  end  of  the  oil-cloth  in  the  other,  she 
commenced  unrolling  it  slowly,  for  fear  some  peculiarity 
of  its  arrangement  might  escape  her ;  her  back  was  tow- 
ards the  door,  which  we  had  nearly  opened  awide,  and 
anxiously  awaiting  the  denouement;  it  came  at  last, — 
and  never  shall  I  forget  the  expression  of  that  old  woman's 


THE    CURIOUS   WIDOW. 

face  as  the  last  roll  left  the  hellish  countenance,  and  it  lay 
in  all  its  awful  hideousness  upon  her  extended  palm, — 
the  fiendish  tushes  protruding  from  the  parted  lips, — still 
wearing  the  agony  of  the  death-second, — and  the  eyes 
enclosed  in  their  circle  of  red,  gazing  up  into  hers  with 
their  dull  vacant  stare. 

Ay,  but  she  was  a  firm-nerved  woman.  If  metemp- 
sychosis be  a  true  doctrine,  her  spirit  must  have  once 
animated,  in  the  chivalrous  times,  a  steel-clad  knight  of 
the  doughtiest  mould.  She  did  not  faint — did  not  vent  a 
scream — but  gazed  upon  its  awfulness  in  silence,  as  if 
her  eyes  were  riveted  to  it  for  ever. 

We  felt  completely  mortified  to  think  that  our  well-laid 
scheme  had  failed — that  we  had  failed  to  terrify  her; 
when,  to  perfect  our  chagrin,  she  broke  into  a  low  laugh. 
We  strode  into  the  room,  determined  to  express  in  words 
what  our  deeds  had  evidently  failed  to  convey;  when,  ere 
she  had  become  fully  aware  of  our  presence,  we  noticed 
her  laughter  was  becoming  hysterical.  We  spoke  to  her 
— shook  her  by  the  shoulder — but  still  she  laughed  on, 
increasing  in  vehemence  and  intensity.  It  began  to 
excite  attention  in  the  lower  apartments,  and  even  in  the 
street ;  and  soon  loud  knocks  and  wondering  exclama- 
tions began  to  alarm  us  for  the  consequences  of  our  par- 
ticipation. We  strove  to  take  the  fearful  object  from  her, 
but  she  clung  to  it  with  the  tenacity  of  madness,  or  a 
young  doctor  to  his  first  scientific  opinion.  "  She  is  gone 
demented!"  we  exclaimed;  "we  had  better  be  leaving" 
■ — when  a  rush  up  the  steps  and  through  the  passage,  cut 
off  our  retreat,  and  told  us  the  daughters  and  crowd  were 
coming;  but  still  the  old  lady  laughed  on,  fiercer,  faster, 
shriller  than  before.  In  rushed  the  crowd — a  full  charge 
for  the  room,  impelled  by  the  ramrod  of  curiosity — but  ere 
they  had  time  to  discover  the  cause  of  the  commotion,  or 


MISSISSIPPI   PATENT   PLAN   FOR   PULLING   TEETH.        81 

make  a  demonstration,  the  widow  ceased  her  laughter, 
and,  putting  on  an  expression  of  the  most  supreme  con- 
tempt, coolly  remarked  : — "  Excuse  me,  gentlemen,  if  I 
have  caused  you  any  inconvenience  by  my  unusual  con- 
duct. I  was  just  smiling  aloud  to  think  what  fools  these 
students  made  of  themselves  when  they  tried  to  scare 
me  with  a  dead  nigger's  face,  when  I  had  slept  with  a 
drunken  husband  for  twenty  years!"  The  crowd  miz- 
zled ;  and  we,  too,  I  reckon,  between  that  time  and  the 
next  up-heaving  of  the  sun. 


THE  MISSISSIPPI  PATENT  PLAN  FOR 
PULLING  TEETH. 

I  had  just  finished  the  last  volume  of  Wistar's  Anatomy, 
well  nigh  coming  to  a  period  myself  with  weariness  at 
the  same  time,  and  with  feet  well  braced  up  on  the  man- 
tel-piece, was  lazily  surveying  the  closed  volume  which 
lay  on  my  lap,  when  a  hurried  step  in  the  front  gallery 
aroused  me  from  the  revery  into  which  I  was  fast  sinking. 

Turning  my  head  as  the  office  door  opened,  my  eyes 
fell  on  the  well-developed  proportions  of  a  huge  flatboats- 
man  who  entered  the  room  wearing  a  countenance,  the 
expression  of  which  would  seem  to  indicate  that  he  had 
just  gone  into  the  vinegar  manufacture  with  a  fine  promise 
of  success. 

"  Do  you  pull  teeth,  young  one  ?"  said  he  to  me. 

"  Yes,  and  noses  too,"  replied  I,  fingering  my  slender 
moustache,  highly  indignant  at  the  juvenile  appellation, 
and  bristling  up  by  the  side  of  the  huge  Kentuckian,  til] 


82       MISSISSIPPI   PATENT   PLAN   FOR   PULLING   TEETH. 

I  looked  as  large  as  a  thumb-lancet  by  the  side  of  an  ampu- 
tating knife. 

«  You  needn't  get  riled,  young  doc,  I  meant  no  insult, 
sarten,  for  my  teeth  are  too  sore  to  'low  your  boots  to  jar 
them  as  I  swallered  you  down.  I  want  a  tooth  pulled,  can 
you  manage  the  job  ?  Ouch!  criminy,  but  it  hurts!" 

"  Yes,  sir,  I  can  pull  your  tooth.  Is  it  an  incisor,  or  a 
dens  sapientise?  one  of  the  decidua,  or  a  permanent 
grinder?" 

"  It's  a  sizer,  I  reckon.  It's  the  largest  tooth  in  my  jaw, 
anyhow,  you  can  see  for  yourself,"  and  the  Kentuckian 
opening  the  lower  half  of  his  face,  disclosed  a  set  of 
teeth  that  clearly  showed  that  his  half  of  the  alligator  lay 
above. 

"  A  molar  requires  extraction,"  said  I,  as  he  laid  his 
finger  on  the  aching  fang. 

"A  molar!  well,  I'll  be  cus't  but  you  doctors  have 
queer  names  for  things !  I  reckon  the  next  time  I  want  a 
money-puss  a  molear  will  be  extracted  too ;  ouch !  What 
do  you  ax  for  pulling  teeth,  doc  ?  I  want  to  git  rid  of  the 
pesky  thing." 

"  A  dollar,  sir,"  said  I,  pulling  out  the  case  of  instru- 
ments and  placing  a  chair  for  him. 

"  A  dollar !  dollar  h-11 !  do  you  think  the  Yazoo  Pass 
is  full  of  kegs  of  speshy?  I'd  see  you  mashed  under  a 
hogshead  of  pork  'fore  I'd  give  you  a  dollar  to  pull  the 
thing  ;"  and  picking  up  his  hat,  which  he  had  dashed  on 
the  floor  on  his  first  entrance,  off  he  started. 

Seeing  some  fun  in  store,  I  winked  at  the  rest  of 
the  students,  whom  the  loudness  of  our  conversation  had 
called  from  the  other  rooms  of  the  capacious  office,  and 
requested  the  subject  to  return. 

"It's  no  use,  stranger;  I'd  squirm  all  day  fust  'fore 


MISSISSIPPI    PATENT   PLAN    FOR    PULLING    TEETH.        S3 

I'd  give  you  a  dollar  to  pull  every  tooth  in  my  head," 
said  he. 

"Well,  Mister,  times  are  hard,  and  I'll  pull  your  tooth 
for  half  a  dollar,"  said  I,  determined,  if  necessary, 
to  give  him  pay  before  I  would  lose  the  pulling  of  his 
tooth. 

"You'll  have  to  come  down  a  notch  lower,  doc 
I  wants  to  interduce  Kaintuck  fashions  on  a  Southern 
sile  ;  and  up  thar,  you  can  get  a  tooth  pulled  and  the 
agur  'scribed  for,  fur  a  quarter." 

"  Well,  but  recollect,  it's  harder  to  pull  teeth  here  than 
it  is  in  Kentucky." 

"  Don't  care  a  cuss  ;  dimes  is  plentyer.  I  don't  want 
to  be  stingy,  though,  doc,  and  I'll  tell  you  what  I'll  do. 
I  feels  sorter  bad  from  eatin'  a  mud-cat  yesterday.  I'll 
gin  you  a  quarter  to  pull  my  tooth,  if  you'll  throw  in  a 
dose  of  castor  ile." 

"It's  a  bargain,"  said  I.  "  I  couldn't  possibly  afford 
to  do  it  so  low  if  I  didn't  manufacture  my  own  oil,  and 
pull  teeth  on  the  «  Mississippi  patent  plan,'  without  the 
least  pain." 

"Well,  I'se  struck  a  breeze  of  luck,  sure,  to  get  it 
'stracted  without  hurtin',  for  I  'spected  it  would  make  all 
things  pop,  by  hoecake."  And  "all  things  did  pop," 
certain,  as  the  poor  devil  found  to  his  sorrow,  before  the 
"  Mississippi  patent  plan"  was  over. 

The  room  in  which  we  were  was  the  operating  one  of 
the  office,  where  patients  were  examined,  and  surgical 
operations  performed.  It  was  furnished  with  all  the  usual 
appliances  of  such  an  establishment.  In  the  middle  of 
the  room,  securely  fastened  to  the  floor  by  screws,  was  a 
large  arm-chair,  with  head-board  and  straps,  to  confine 
the  body  and  limbs  of  the  patient  whilst  the  operator  was 
at  work,  in  such  cases  as  required  it.     On  either  side  of 


84        MISSISSIPPI   PATENT   PLAN   FOR    PULLING    TEETH. 

the  house,  driven  into  the  wall,  were  a  couple  of  iron 
bolts,  to  which  were  fastened  blocks  and  pulleys,  used 
when  reducing  old  dislocations,  when  all  milder  means 
had  failed.  The  chair,  pulleys,  and  a  small  hand- 
vice  were  the  apparatus  intended  to  be  used  by  me  in 
the  extraction  of  the  Kentuckian's  tooth,  by  the  "Missis- 
sippi patent  plan." 

The  patient  watched  all  our  preparations — for  I  quickly 
let  the  other  students  into  the  plan  of  the  intended  joke — 
with  great  interest,  and  seemed  hugely  tickled  at  the  idea 
of  having  his  tooth  pulled  without  pain 'for  a  quarter,  and 
a  dose  of  castor-oil  extra. 

Everything  being  ready,  we  invited  the  subject  to  take 
his  seat  in  the  operating  chair,  telling  him  it  was  neces- 
sary, agreeably  to  our  mode  of  pulling  teeth,  that  the  body 
and  arms  should  be  perfectly  quiet;  that  other  doctors, 
who  hadn't  bought  the  right  to  use  the  <  patent  plan,'  used 
the  pullikins,  whilst  I  operated  with  the  pulleys.  I  soon 
had  him  immoveably  strapped  to  the  chair,  hand  and  foot. 
Introducing  the  hand- vice  in  his  mouth,  which,  fortunately 
for  me,  was  a  large  one,  I  screwed  it  fast  to  the  offending 
tooth,  then  connecting  it  with  the  first  cord  of  the  pulleys 
and  intrusting  it  to  the  hands  of  two  experienced  assist- 
ants, I  was  ready  to  commence  the  extraction.  Giving 
the  word,  and  singing,  "  Lord,  receive  this  sinner's  soul," 
we  pulled  slowly,  so  as  to  let  the  full  strain  come  on  the 
neck  bones  gradually. 

Though  I  live  till  every  hair  on  my  head  is  as  hollow 
as  a  dry  skull,  I  shall  never  forget  the  scene. 

Clothed  in  homespun  of  the  copperas  hue,  impotent  to 
help  himself,  his  body  immoveably  fixed  to  the  chair,  his 
neck  gradually  extending  itself,  like  a  terrapin's  emerging 
from  its  shell,  his  eyes  twice  their  natural  size,  and  pro- 
jected nearly  out  of  their  sockets,  his  mouth  widely  dis- 


MISSISSIPPI    PATENT    PLAN    FOIL    PULLING    TEETH.        85 

tended,  with  the  vice  hidden  in  its  cavity,  and  the  con- 
nexion of  the  rope  being  behind  his  cheeks,  giving  the 
appearance  as  if  we  had  cast  anchor  in  his  stomach,  and 
were  heaving  it  slowly  home,  sat  the  Kentuckian,  scream- 
ing and  cursing  that  we  were  pulling  his  head  off  without 
moving  the  tooth,  and  that  the  torment  was  awful.  But 
I  coolly  told  him  'twas  the  usual  way  the  <■  Mississippi 
patent  plan'  worked,  and  directed  my  assistants  to  keep 
up  their  steady  puH. 

I  have  not  yet  full)'  determined,  as  it  was  the  first  and 
last  experiment,  which  would  have  come  first,  his  head 
or  the  tooth,  for  all  at  once  the  rope  gave  way,  precipita- 
ting, without  much  order  or  arrangement,  the  assistants 
into  the  opposite  corner  of  the  room. 

The  operating  chair  not  being  as  securely  screwed 
down  as  usual,  was  uptorn  by  the  shock  of  the  retrograde 
motion  acquired,  when  the  rope  broke,  and  landed  the 
Kentuckian  on  his  back  in  the  most  distant  side  of  the 
room  ;  as  he  fell,  he  struck  the  side  of  his  face  against  the 
wall,  and  out  came  the  vice,  with  a  large  tooth  in  its 
fangs.  He  raged  like  one  of  his  indigenous  thunder- 
storms,  and  demanded  to  be  released.  Fearing  some  hos- 
tile demonstration  when  the  straps  were  unfastened,  we 
took  occasion  to  cut  them  with  a  long  bowie  knife.  He 
rose  up,  spitting  blocd  and  shaking  himself,  as  if  he  was 
anxious  to  get  rid  of  his  clothes.  "  H — 1,  Dou,  but  she's 
a  buster  !  I  never  seed  such  a  tooth.  I  recon  no  common 
fixments  would  have  fotch  it ;  but  I  tell  you,  sirree,  it  hurt 
awful ;  I  think  it's  the  last  time  the  <  Mississippi  Patent 
Plan'  gets  me  in  its  holt.  Here's  a  five-dollar  Kaintuck 
bill,  take  your  pay  and  gin  us  the  change." 

Seeing  he  was  in  such  good  humour,  I  should  have 
spared  him,  but  his  meanness  disgusted  me,  and  I  thought 
I  would  carry  the  joke  a  little  further.    On  examining  his 


86  VALERIAN   AND   THE   PANTHER. 

mouth,  I  suddenly  discovered,  as  was  the  case,  that  I  had 
pulled  the  wrong  tooth,  but  I  never  told  him,  and  he  had 
too  much  blood  in  his  mouth  to  discover  it. 

"  Curse  the  luck,"  I  exclaimed,  "  by  Jupiter  I  have 
lost  my  bet.     I  didn't  break  the  infernal  thing." 

"  Lost  what?"  inquired  the  patient,  alternately  spitting 
out  blood,  and  cramming  in  my  tobacco. 

"  Why,  a  fine  hat.  I  bet  the  old  boss  that  the  first  tooth 
I  pulled  on  my  «  Mississippi  Patent  Plan,'  I  either  broke 
the  neck  of  the  patient  or  his  jaw-bone,  and  I  have  done 
neither." 

"Did  you  never  pull  a  tooth  that  way  before?  why, 
you  told  me  you'd  pulled  a  hundred." 

"  Yes,  but  they  all  belonged  to  dead  men." 

"  And  if  the  rope  hadn't  guv  way,  I  reckon  there'd  bin 
another  dead  man's  pulled.  Cuss  you,  you'd  never  pulled 
my  tooth  if  I  hadn't  thought  you  had  plenty  of  'sperience  ; 
but  gin  me  my  change,  I  wants  to  be  gwine  to  the 
boat." 

I  gave  the  fellow  his  change  for  the  five-dollar  bill,  de- 
ducting the  quarter,  and  the  next  day,  when  endeavour- 
ing to  pass  it,  I  found  we  had  both  made  a  mistake.  1 
had  pulled  the  wrong  tooth,  and  he  had  given  me  a  coun- 
terfeit bill. 


VALERIAN  AND  THE  PANTHER. 

I  had  just  returned  from  attendance  on  my  first  course 
of  medical  lectures.  Although  not  a  graduate,  I  had  all 
the  pruriency  of  a  young  neophyte,  and  felt  very  desirous 
of  an   occasion  wherein   my  Esculapian   acquirements 


VALERIAN   AND   THE   PANTHER.  87 

could  be  exhibited,  from  call,  visit,  patient,  disease,  diag- 
nosis, prognosis,  treatment,  to  cure ;  or  else  ominously 
and  sorrowingly  murmur  to  the  bereaved  friends  who  are 
taking  the  measure — "  if  he'd  only  sent  for  me  sooner !" 
I  wanted  a  case,  the  management  all  to  myself,  from 
comma  to  period,  white,  black,  old,  young,  maid,  wife, 
widow,  masculine,  feminine,  old  bachelor,  or  Indian,  I 
cared  not  which  ;  a  patient  was  what  I  wanted,  and  the 
shape  in  which  it  would  come,  however  questionable,  I 
was  indifferent  to.  The  country  adjacent  to  the  village 
where  I  was  studying,  is,  on  two  sides,  swamp  of  the 
vilest,  muddiest  nature  imaginable,  with  occasional  tracts 
of  fine  land,  generally  situated  on  some  bayou  or  lake ; 
frequently  an  "  island"  of  tillable  land  will  be  found  rising 
out  of  the  muddy  swamp,  accessible  to  footmen  or  horse 
only,  when  the  river  is  within  its  banks,  varying  in  size 
from  fifty  to  two  hundred  acres ;  and,  wherever  existing, 
generally  occupied  by  a  small  planter.  Every  farmer  in 
the  South  is  a  planter,  from  the  "  thousand  baler"  to  the 
rough,  unshaved,  unkempt  squatter,  who  raises  just  suffi- 
cient corn  and  cotton  to  furnish  a  cloak  for  stealing  the 
year's  supply. 

A  few  hours'  ride  from  town  was  one  of  these  islands, 
"  pre-empted"  by  a  man  named  Spiffle,  whose  principal 
business  was  to  fatigue  him  devising  ways  and  means  to 
live  without  work.  He  would  have  scorned  to  hoe  an 
hour  in  his  corn  patch,  and  yet  would  not  have  hesitated 
a  moment  to  pursue  a  deer  or  bear  for  days,  with  all  the 
indefatigability  of  a  German  metaphysical  philosopher 
studying  an  incomprehensibility.  But  hunting  deer  and 
bear,  though  it  brought  more  sweat  and  fatigue  in  an  hour 
than  the  hardest  day's  work,  was  sport ;  so  was  drinking 
whiskey,  and  between  the  two,  Jim  Spiffle  had  little  time 
to  extend  the  limits  of  his  demesnes,  or  multiply  the  com 


©8  VALERIAN   AND   THE   PANTHER. 

forts  of  his  household  circle,  wherein  a  wife  and  a  dozen 
children  attested  Jim's  obedience  to  scripture. 

It  is  a  sultry  day  in  June,  and  I  am  about  describing 
the  external  appearance  of  Jim's  pre-emption.      A  small 
patch  of  green  and  waving  corn,  surrounded  by  a  brush 
fence,  save  where  it  is  eked  out,  by  the  side  of  an  anti- 
quated log-cabin,  with  a  dirt  chimney,  around  whose  top 
the  smoke  is  lying  in  dense  heaps,  too  lazy  to  curl ;  one 
or  two  bedraggled  hens,  by  noisy  cackling,  are  endeavour- 
ing to  inform  the  mistress  that  their  diurnal  recumbencies 
are  consummated — whilst  the  cock  of  the  walk,  desirous 
of  egging  them  on  to  increased  exertions,  struts  majesti- 
cally before  them,  waving  one  feather,  constituting  his 
tail,  and  seriously  meditates  a  crow;  but  when  he  reflects 
that  the  exertion  of  flapping  his  wings  must  premise,  con- 
tents himself  with  a  low  chuckle  of  admiration.     An  old 
hound,  mangy  and  blear-eyed,  is  intent  upon  a  deer's  leg; 
and,  as  he  gnaws  its  tough  sinews,  tries  to  delude  him- 
self into  the  belief  that  it  is  a  delectable  morsel  from  the 
ham.     A  boy  of  some  thirteen   winters,   in  full  dress 
swamp  costume  (a  short,  well-worn  shirt),  rifle  in  hand, 
at  a  short  distance  from  the  house,  is  endeavouring  to 
allay  the  mental  and  bodily  disquietude  of  a  fox-squirrel, 
so  that  they  both  may  be  on  the  same  side  of  a  chunky 
gum,  up  which  the  aforesaid  squirrel,  on  the  approach  of 
the  incipient  Nimrod,  had  incontinently  retreated.     Spif- 
fle,  jun.,  sneaks  round  to  the  south  side,  but  "funny" 
hangs  on  the  north,  east,  and  west — back  to  the  north  and 
south,  all  in  vain !     All  the  points  of  the  mariner's  com- 
pass are  traversed,  but  still  the  cunning  squirrel  evades 
his  foe,  who,  venting  his  malediction,  finally  retires  from 
the  pursuit,  muttering,  "Cuss  you!  I  was  only  going- 
through  the  motions;  the  rifle  ain't  loaded!"     The  lord 
of  the  soil,  extended  to  his  full  proportions,  is  lying  on  a 


VALERIAN  AND  THE  PANTHER.  89 

log1,  beneath  a  shady  bush ;  a  branch  of  which  is  bent 
down  and  so  ingeniously  arranged,  that  when  the  breeze 
moves,  it  will  scratch  his  head ;  his  mouth  is  full  of  to- 
bacco— and  as  he  sleeps,  true  to  his  nature,  his  right  hand 
is  busily  engaged  stealing  a  couple  of  dimes  and  an  old 
jack-knife  out  of  his  own  pocket;  his  jaws  are  relaxed, 
and  the  huge,  well-chewed  quid  gleams  beautifully  dark 
from  the  profundity  of  mouth  ;  a  gentle  titillation  on  his 
lips  half  arouses  him,  and,  champing  his  jaws  with  an 
emphasis,  his  waking  senses  are  saluted  by  the  yell  of  his 
eldest  born,  who,  on  the  failure  of  his  squirrel  2nterprise, 
finding  dad  asleep,  had  made  an  heroic  attempt  to  hook 
his  sire's  quid  out  of  the  deep  abyss.  The  poor  boy  pays 
dearly  for  the  attempted  larceny — three  fingers  hanging 
by  mere  shreds  of  skin,  are  the  attestations  of  his  dad's 
strength  of  jaw.  The  scream  of  the  poor  devil,  and  the 
boisterous  grief  of  the  miserable  squatter,  who,  though  the 
"Arab"  of  the  swamp,  has  still  a  father's  feelings,  brings 
from  the  cabin  a  form  which,  begrimed  with  dirt,  and 
haggard  with  premature  age,  would  scarcely  be  taken  for 
the  best  of  God's  works — a  woman — but  such  she  was ; 
and  her  tears  and  outcries  also  gave  evidence  that  she, 
too,  amidst  the  heart-hardenings  of  poverty,  contumely, 
and  lowliness,  had  still  gushing  up  in  her  heart  the  pure 
waters  of  love. 

"  Lordy  grashus!"  she  cried;  "you  have  ruined  the 
child  !  Oh!  how  could  you  do  it?  You,  a  man  grown, 
and  him,  your  own  son  !     Oh,  Jim  !" 

"  'Twasn't  my  fault,  Betsy,"  answered  poor  Jim  ' 
"  'twasn't  my  fault !  Oh  !  what  must  I  do  ?  He's  gwine 
into  'vulshuns." 

"Jump  on  the  critter  and  git  the  doctor!"  said  Fetsy. 
"Quick,  Jim!  Oh,  Lordy!  only  twelve  children — and 
to  lose  one  of  them!"  and  the  poor  mother  sobbed  as  if 


90  VALERIAN   AND    THE   PANTHER. 

her  heart  were  rending ;  whilst  Jim,  jumping  on  a  better 
horse  than  befitted  his  circumstances,  made  all  haste  for 
town,  whither  he  arrived  about  dinner-time — and  dashing 
up  with  frantic  haste  to  the  office-door,  yelled  out,  «  Doc- 
tor! oh,  doctor!  I've  bit  my  son's  hand  off,  and  he's 
dying,  sarten!  Come,  quick  !  dear  doctor!  that's  a  good 
old  hoss! — oh,  do!" 

But  the  "  good  old  hoss"  not  responding  to  his  appeal, 
he  dismounted,  and  rushed  in,  repeating  his  cry. 

"  What's  the  matter  ?  what's  the  matter  ?  who's  sick  ?" 
said  I,  rushing  in  from  a  back  room — one  book  open 
in  my  right  hand,  and  a  ponderous  tome  under  my  left 
arm. 

"  Oh !  young  doctor,  where's  the  old  man  ?  I've 
bit  my  son's  arm  off,  and  he's  gone  into  'vulshuns,  and  I 
want' the  boss  to  come  right  out." 

"  He's  gone  into  the  country,  and  won't  be  back  before 
night,"  replied  I.  «  Did  your  boy's  arm  bleed  much  ?" — 
not  reflecting  on  the  absurdity  of  a  man  biting  a  boy's 
arm  off. 

"  Bleed !  Yes,  all  three  stumps  bled  like  a  stuck 
deer." 

"  Three  h— Us  !  Spifffe,  you're  drunk  !  How  could  you 
bite  off  three  of  his  arms?" 

"  Oh,  doctor !  I  meant  his  fingers  ;  he  put  them  in  my 
mouth  when  I  war  asleep.  Sens  the  old  man's  out,  doc- 
tor, you  must  go.  Jes'  save  his  life,  doc,  and  you'll 
never  want  vensun  or  a  good  trout-hole  while  I'm  in  the 
swamp !     Be  in  a  hurry,  that's  a  good  fellow." 

The  chance  was  too  good  to  be  lost — a  surgical  and 
medical  case  combined — amputation  and  convulsions. 
What  could  be  more  opportune  ? 

Telling  Spiffle  I  would  go  as  soon  as  I  got  some  medi- 
cine suitable  to  the  case,  I  put  near  half  a  peck  of  valerian 


VALERIAN    AND    THE    PANTHER.  91 

in  my  coat  pockets,  and  an  ounce  vial  of  prussic  acid  in 
my  vest ;  some  calomel,  assafcetida,  lint,  and  adhesive 
plaster,  completed  my  preparations,  and  I  was  ready  for 
business.  The  horse  I  intended  to  ride  was  a  favourite 
one  of  the  old  doctor's,  but  one  which,  accomplished 
equestrian  as  he  was,  he  dare  not  back,  except  when  the 
visit  lay  over  some  old  beaten  road  ;  and  as  for  riding  him 
through  the  devious  path  of  the  swamp — one  moment  on 
the  horse's  neck  to  'scape  an  impending  limb,  the  next 
with  the  body  at  a  right  angle,  to  avoid  a  gnarled  and 
thorny  tree — now  on  one  side,  now  on  the  other,  and 
again  on  both — wading  the  backwater,  jumping  logs, 
swimming  the  dark  and  sullen  slough,  or  with  feet  raised 
to  the  pommel  to  clear  the  cypress-knees,  which  on  every 
side,  as  the  path  would  cross  a  brake,  obtruded  their  keen 
points,  ready  to  impale  the  luckless  wight  who  there  might 
chance  to  lose  his  seat ;  to  ride  "  Chaos"  midst  such  paths 
as  these,  the  old  doctor,  I  have  said,  would  never  have 
dreamed  of  doing,  and,  most  assuredly,  had  he  been  at 
home,  would  not  have  allowed  me  to  undertake  ;  but  such 
a  ride,  with  its  break-neck  peril,  chimed  well  with  my 
youthful  feelings,  which  pursued  the  same  reckless  course 
that  the  heart's  current  of  the  medical  student  has  run  in, 
from  the  time  when  "  Chiron"  was  a  "  grave  rat,"  to  the 
Tyro  of  yesterday,  who  is  looking  in  the  dictionary  for  the 
meaning  of  "  artery." 

With  all  the  seriousness  naturally  to  be  elicited  by  a  re- 
sponsible mission,  I  mounted  Chaos,  and  started  at  a  speed 
that  beplastered  the  skeleton  houses  on  each  side  of  the 
way  with  mud,  heaving  a  delectable  morsel,  as  I  passed 
the  "  doggery,"  full  in  the  mouth  of  a  picayune  demagogue, 
who,  viewing  the  political  sky  with  open  mouth,  was  vo- 
ciferating vehemently  on  the  merits  of  his  side.  "  Hurrah 
for ,"  he  had  just  ejaculated,  when  the  substance, 


92  VALERIAN  AND  THE  PANTHER. 

which  perhaps  assisted  in  composing  an  antediluvian 
megathaslopsyolamagosogiam,  or,  possibly,  "  imperial 
Caesar,"  hit  him  "vim"  in  the  patent  orifice.  Cleaning 
his  throat,  he  spluttered  out,  "  Cuss  the  country,  when  a 
man  can't  holler  for  the  feller  that  he  likes  best,  but  the 
heels  of  every  'prentice  saw-bone's  horse  must  fling  clay 
in  his  teeth!" 

But  Chaos  heeded  him  not ;  imagining  I  was  for  a  jaunt 
over  his  usual  road,  he  gave  way  to  only  sufficient  move- 
ment to  indicate  his  mettle ;  but  when  the  end  of  the 
street  was  reached,  where  the  roads  diverged,  one  pursu- 
ing its  upward  course  over  the  towering  hills — the  first 
from  its  source  that  steal  down  to  gaze  upon  the  wavelets 
of  the  "  dark  Yazoo — the  other  unobtrusively  stealing  its 
way  a  few  hundred  yards,  and  then  yielding  its  being 
'neath  the  placid  waters  of  a  bright-eyed  lake.  Seeing 
me  turn  to  the  latter,  the  noble  horse  gave  a  joyous  neigh, 
and  seemed  to  be  imbued  with  a  new  life  as  he  viewed 
the  waters  stretching  far  away  into  the  forest,  until  wave 
and  leaf  were  melted  into  one ;  and  as  he  thought  of  the 
wild  luxuriance  of  a  hidden  dell,  gemmed  with  a  glisten- 
ing spring,  the  memory  of  which  came  floating  up,  fraught 
with  the  enjoyments  of  a  month's  pleasure  the  year  gone 
by,  when,  disdaining  the  stable,  he  had  sought  the  forest, 
and  there,  cropping  the  herbage,  and  roaming  in  all  the 
wild  luxuriance  of  freedom,  forgot  he  was  a  slave,  until 
the  insidious  wiles  of  Spiffle  restored  him  to  his  owner. 

Oblivious,  apparently,  of  my  weight,  he  sprung  into 
the  waters,  and  soon — dashing  his  beautiful  head  until  the 
spray  covered  me  with  delicious  coolness — breasted  the 
sleepy  lake ;  and  when  his  feet  struck  the  firm  ground, 
like  the  fawn  from  the  hunters,  away  he  sprang  up  the 
narrow  path,  which  pursued  its  tortuous  way  like  a  mon- 


VALERIAN  AND  THE  PANTHER.  93 

stroiis  snake,  amidst  the  nodding  grass  and  fragrant  spice- 
wood,  and  old  trees,  fantastically  interweaving  their  limbs. 

But  little  cared  my  courser  for  those  old  trees,  clothed 
with  moss,  with  the  shadows  of  their  arching  boughs  the 
pathway  thrown  across ;  he  heeded  not  the  verdancy 
beneath  the  eye  displayed,  nor  the  gorgeous  summer 
mingling  of  the  sunshine  and  the  shade  ;  the  gentle  voice 
of  Eolus,  as  dallying  with  the  grove,  came  breathing 
gentle  symphonies,  but  not  on  him  it  wove  the  spell  of 
soothing,  subdued  thought,  such  as  the  feelings  haunt, 
when  its  tones  renew  the  memory  of  a  long-forgotten 
chant.  With  eye  of  dazzling  brightness,  with  foam  upon 
the  breast,  with  mane  back  flaunting  on  the  air,  and  proud 
erected  crest;  with  champing  bit,  and  eager  bound,  and 
earth-disdaining  tread,  and  air,  as  if  o'er  battle-fields 
victoriously  he  sped.    Soho!    Soft,  Chaos!    Quiet!    Soho ! 

"  Which  way  now,  Spiffie  ?"  said  I,  as  the  path  ap- 
peared to  cease  at  a  clear,  deep,  narrow  "  slough,"  full 
of  cypress  "knees,"  which  did  not  come  to  the  surface, 
but  seemed  some  few  inches  under. 

"  Right  across,"  was  the  answer. 

<<  What!  through  those  shoots?  Why  there's  not  room 
enough  between  them  for  a  dog  to  swim,  let  alone  a 
horse,"  said  I. 

"You'd  be  mighty  out  of  breath  'fore  you  got  through 
with  the  job,  doc,  if  you  tried  to  swim  'tween  them, 
seein'  as  thar  ten  foot  under.  I  war  fooled  here  myself 
for  mor'n  a  year ;  I'd  take  a  '  bee'  for  home,  an'  come 
to  this  slew,  an'  then  have  to  head  it,  on  'count  of  the 
neas ;  'till  one  day  I  got  on  a  '  bust'  in  town,  an'  my 
critter  got  loose  and  struck  for  home.  I  tract  him  up  to 
whar  we  is,  and  here  they  stopt — the  trax  and  me  I  mean ; 
but  on  t'other  side  I  seed  them,  and  I  knowed  he  must 
have  swum.  I  war  clean  bothered  to  know  how  he  got 
77 


94  VALERIAN  AND  THE  PANTHER. 

over  without  leaving  some  of  his  innards  on  the  neas, — 
so  I  tuck  a  stick  and  puncht  at  one  of  them  that  war  near 
outen  the  water,  to  see  if  it  war  a  real  cypress  nubbin.  I 
missed  it  clear,  and  kerchunk  I  went  head  foremost 
'mongst  their  sharp  points.  Oh,  my  <  viscera!' I  yelled  ; 
but  I'll  be  cust  if  I  toch  a  nea ;  they  war  ten  foot  under, 
and  thar  they  stay,  and  thar  they  'tend  stayin',  for  they 
ain't  grown  a  lick  sens  that  time,  and  that  war  so  long 
ago,  that  the  next  day  I  seed  the  fust  steamboat  that  kum 
up  the  Yazoo  skare  an  old  buck  to  death,  makin'  him 
jump  so  fast  that  he  sprung  plum  through  his  skull,  and 
the  last  I  seed  of  him,  as  he  floated  down  the  river,  his 
head  had  hung  on  his  lines,  and  one  ear  on  each  horn 
war  fluttering  his  dying  elegy." 

By  the  time  this  veracious  anecdote  was  over,  we  had 
crossed  the  slough,  and  a  ride  of  a  few  miles  brought  us 
to  the  cabin  of  my  patron,  who,  now  elevated  with  whis- 
key, had  lost  his  paternal  solicitude,  and  giving  way  to  the 
garrulity  of  the  drunkard,  was  making  revelations  con- 
cerning his  past  history,  which,  if  true,  and  he  had  his 
dues,  would  have  swung  him  higher  than  "  Barn  Poker," 
of  Coahoma,  when  the  regulators  were  out. 

I  found  my  patient  doing  very  well,  Mrs.  Spiffle  having 
sent,  before  my  arrival,  for  one  of  those  knowing  old 
dames  who  match  « 'sperience  agin  book  larnin',"  and 
detract  so  considerably  from  the  physician's  income. 
The  old  lady,  fortunately  for  the  boy,  had  had  sufficient 
knowledge  of  surgery  to  replace  the  fingers  and  apply 
bandages. 

Whether  it  was  my  naturally  prepossessing  phiz,  or  my 
ready  acquiescence  in  the  correctness  of  her  treatment, 
that  softened  the  old  dame,  I  know  not ;  but  she  appeared 
to  take  to  me  monstrously  ;  and,  after  having  had  her 
mind  satisfied  as  to  my  name,  natality,  and  genealogy, 


VALERIAN    AND    THE    PANTHER.  95 

she  reciprocated  intelligence,  and,  untying  the  scrap-bag 
of  memory,  proceeded  to  make  a  patch-quilt  for  me,  of  a 
case  that  resembled  the  one  we  were  ministering  to. 

"  Short  arter  I  had  kum  from  Georgy  to  Mass-ass-sip,  a 
nere  nabur — Miss  Splicer — had  a  darter — Miss  Spiffle, 
you  had  better  gin  Boney  another  sup  of  the  sheep  safurn 
■ — doctor,  you  said  you  had  no  injections  to  it — what  made 
a  slide  one  day,  and  'lowed  her  dad's  axe  to  fall  on  her 
foot,  cutting  her  big  toe  clean  off' as  sarcumstances  would 
permit.  It  bled  'mazinly,  and  the  gal  hollered  out  till 
her  mammy,  who  war  splittin' — his  throat,  Miss  Spiffle,  a 
spoonful  at  a  time — rails  at  the  far  end  of  the  clearin'  (for 
she  was  a  monstrous  'dustryus  woman,  Miss  Splicer  was), 
heard  the  rumption  and  came  to  the  house,  lumbrin'  over 
the  high  logs  like  a  big  bull  in — a  little  more  whiskey  in 
mine,  Miss  Spiffle,  if  you  please  ;  what  a  pity  it  is  that 
your  husband  drinks — a  small  pastur'  in  the  worst  of  fly- 
time,  as  she  told  me  arter,  thinking  some  of  the  town-boys 
had  got  hold  of  the  gal. 

"  When  she  got  there  and  seed  the  blood,  and  the  toe 
excavated  ofF,  a-trying  to  keep  time  with  the  stump  which 
war  quiverin'  in  the  air,  like  the  gal  had  the  "  skitters," 
she  memorized  what  a  doctor  had  told  her  to  do  in  such 
cases — to  displace  the  parts  and  heal  them  up  by  the  fast 
contention  ;  so  she  slapt  the  toe  on  the  foot  agin,  an'  tide 
a  rag  on  tight,  an'  put  the  gal  to  bed.  Well,  everything 
went  on  monstrous  nice — scat!  Miss  Spiffle,  the  laws-a'- 
massy  !  that  cat's  tail  come  mity  nigh  toching  his  hand  ; 
and  'twould  never  got  well — an'  in  'bout  two  weaks,  Miss 
Splicer  axed  me  to  come  over  and  sister  her  getting  the 
rag  off,  as  she  hadn't  been  informed  that  far,  for  her  hus- 
band had  got  drunk  and  run  the  doctor  offjist  arter  he  had 
showed  her  how  to  put  the  thing  up  for  healin'. 

"  Well,  I  went  over,  and  arter  soaking  her — stumak,  Miss 


96  VALERIAN   AND    THE   PANTHER. 

Spiffle,  put  the  goose  grease  on  his  stumak — foot  in  hot 
water,  I  peeled  the  rag  off;  and  the  Lord  be  marsyful 
to  a  sinful  world,  fur  I  seed  the  toe  had  grown  fust- rate 
fast,  but  the  poor  ignerant  creetur  of  a  mother  had  put  it 
on  with  the  nail  turned  down,  and  the  poor  gal's  dancing 
were  'ternally  spiled." 

Telling  the  people  that  I  would  not  return  unless  they 
sent  for  me,  and  the  sun  being  low,  I  mounted  my  horse 
and  dashed  off  for  home.  Coming  to  a  fork  in  the  path, 
I  took  the  one  I  thought  I  had  come  in  the  morning,  and 
gave  myself  no  further  concern  about  the  road. 

I  mentioned  that  I  had  filled  my  pockets  with  Valerian 
on  leaving  home,  and  on  this  simple  thing  depended  two 
lives,  as  the  sequel  will  show. 

It  is  a  root,  when  fresh,  of  a  powerful  and  penetrating 
odour  peculiar  to  its  species ;  permeable  things,  by  re- 
maining in  contact  with  it,  become  imbued  with  its  char- 
acteristic odour,  which  they  retain  for  a  considerable 
length  of  time.  The  root  possesses  great  attraction  for 
the  cat  tribe,  who  smell  it  at  a  great  distance,  and  resort 
to  it  eagerly,  devouring  its  fragrant  fibres  with  great  ap- 
parent relish.  The  panther  of  our  continent  is  closely 
allied  to  the  domestic  cat,  susceptible,  like  it,  of  taming, 
active,  treacherous,  and  cunning, — only  in  proportion  to 
its  increased  size,  resembling  it  in  its  tastes,  and  like  it, 
fearless  when  aroused  by  appetite  or  hunger. 

I  had  proceeded  some  distance,  when  it  began  to  ap- 
pear to  me  that  the  path  I  was  travelling  was  not  the  one 
-by  which  I  had  come  in  the  morning,  but  as  it  was  some 
miles  back  to  the  fork,  and  as  far  as  I  could  judge,  I 
seemed  to  be  going  in  the  right  direction,  I  determined  to 
proceed.  So,  cheering  myself  with  a  song,  I  tried  to  ban- 
ish  disagreeable  reflections,   and  persuade   myself  that 


VALERIAN    AND    THE    PANTHER.  97 

some  recognised  object  would  soon  assure  me  I  was  in 
the  right  track. 

It  was  now  near  sunset,  and,  in  despite  of  my  endea- 
vours to  the  contrary,  I  was  becoming  somewhat  anxious, 
as  a  gloom  was  already  settling  over  the  swamp,  when, 
to  my  joy,  I  found  myself  upon  the  bayou  or  slough,  whose 
illusory  appearance  I  have  noted.  Not  remarking  that 
the  path,  instead  of  crossing,  turned  up  the  bank,  I  gave 
my  horse  the  rein  and  he  sprang  into  the  stream  ;  but  what 
was  my  dismay,  when  I  found,  by  the  struggling  of  my 
poor  steed  for  releasement,  that  I  was  mistaken  in  the 
slough,  and  that  in  this  instance,  the  proximity  of  the 
"knees1'  to  the  surface  was  no  illusion.  He  had  fortu- 
nately become  wedged  between  two  of  the  largest,  which 
sustained  his  weight,  and  saved  him  from  being  impaled 
upon  those  beneath.  I  had  nothing  in  the  shape  of  a 
cutting  instrument,  except  a  small  penknife,  which,  under 
the  circumstances,  could  afford  me  no  aid.  Dismounting 
in  the  water,  by  main  strength  I  released  my  horse,  and, 
as  the  sun  withdrew  its  last  lingering  ray  from  the  top- 
most boughs  of  the  trees — jaded,  wet,  and  exhausted — 
we  stood  in  the  midst  of  the  swamp,  on  the  banks  of  an 
unknown*  slough,  without  food,  fire,  or  weapon — lost! 
lost!  lost!  I  could  form  no  idea  where  I  was,  and  go  as 
I  would,  it  would  be  hap-hazard  if  I  went  right,  and  the 
probabilities  were  that  I  would  have  to  spend  the  night  in 
the  drearisome  place. 

I  soon  discovered  that  it  was  losing  time  and  gaining 
nothing  to  stand  there.  So  I  determined,  as  I  was 
mightily  down  in  the  mouth,  my  course  should  accord 
with  my  feelings,  so  down  the  slough  I  started. 

The  land,  as  far  as  I  could  see,  was  uniform  low  swamp, 
subject  to  the  annual  inundations  of  the  Mississippi.  The 
height  to  which  the  waters  usually  attained  was  several 


98  VALERIAN   AND   THE    PANTHER. 

feet  above  my  head  on  horseback,  which  made  it  more 
favourable  to  me,  as  the  frequent  submergings  had  in  a 
great  measure  destroyed  the  undergrowth,  and  thus  facili- 
tated passing  between  the  trees.  I  would  not  have  cared 
for  the  night  jaunt,  had  I  only  known  where  I  was,  and 
whither  I  was  going ;  but  the  uncertainty  made  my  feel- 
ings very  disagreeable,  and  I  mentally  vowed  that  if  I 
got  home  that  once,  Spiffle,  Sen.,  might  chaw  up  Spiffle, 
Jun.,  inch  by  inch,  before  I  would  come  out  to  stop  it. 

I  sped  on  as  fast  as  I  dared,  the  darkness  growing  pro- 
found, and  my  anxiety — I  will  not  say  fear — increasing 
every  moment.  An  unusual  stillness  rested  over  the 
swamp,  unbroken  save  by  the  tramp  of  my  horse ;  not 
even  a  frog  or  chichado  was  to  be  heard,  and  the  wind 
had  assumed  that  low,  plaintive  wail  amidst  the  leaves, 
that  never  fails  to  cast  a  melancholy  shadow  over  the  heart, 
and  awaken  all  the  superstitions  of  our  minds.  I  was 
musing  over  the  sad  fate  of  an  intimate  friend  who  had 
recently  come  to  an  untimely  death,  and  reflecting  how 
hard  it  was  that  so  much  youthful  ambition  should  perish, 
such  a  glorious  sun  go  down  shrouded  with  darkness 
whilst  it  yet  was  day,  when  the  ominous  silence  was  bro 
ken  by  a  sound  which,  God  grant,  I  may  never  hear  again. 
Like  a  woman's  shriek,  in  the  damning  anguish  of  deser- 
tion and  despair — lost  and  ruined — was  the  long,  piercing 
scream  of  the  Panther,  whose  awful  yell  palsied  my 
heart,  and  curdled  the  blood  within  my  smallest  veins. 
Again  and  again  it  arose,  filling  the  solemn  aisles  of  the 
darksome  swamp,  till  echo  took  up  the  fearful  sound,  and 
every  tree,  bush,  and  brake,  gave  back  the  hellish,  ago- 
nizing shriek. 

It  was  evidently  approaching  us  ;  my  poor  horse  trem- 
bled like  an  aspen  beneath  me,  and  seemed  incapable  of 
moving.     Again,  still  nearer — the  fierce  and  harrowing 


VALERIAN  AND  THE  PANTHER.  99 

scream  fell  on  my  shrinking  ear ;  and  I  knew  the  animal 
was  upon  my  trail.  Shaking  off  the  lethargy  into  which 
I  was  fast  sinking,  I  struck  my  horse,  and,  twining  my 
hands  in  his  mane,  lay  down  on  his  neck,  letting  him  go 
as  he  wished,  as  I  did  not  know  which  way  to  guide  him. 
With  a  snort  of  terror  he  sprung  off  with  a  speed  that 
seemed  miraculous,  through  the  darkness  and  trees.  I 
flattered  myself  that  the  rate  at  which  we  went  would  soon 
distance  the  panther;  when,  God  of  heaven!  it  arose 
more  piercing  and  shrill,  still  nearer  than  before.  I  began 
to  despair,  as  I  had  no  weapon,  save  the  pen-knife  ;  and 
the  animal,  I  knew,  was  one  of  the  fiercest  nature — else 
why  did  he  follow  for  my  blood  ?  (I  never  thought  of  the 
valerian.) 

The  speed  of  my  horse,  with  the  fearfulness  of  my  situa- 
tion, made  me  half  delirious,  and  my  thoughts  began  to 
wander — colours  of  all  hues,  shapes,  arabesque  and  fan- 
tastical, danced  before  my  eyes.  I  imagined  that  I  was 
in  the  midst  of  a  well-contested  battle,  and  in  the  waver- 
ing fiofht,  and  coverino;  smoke,  and  turmoil  of  the  scene, 
I  caught  the  emblem  emblazoned  on  the  banner  of  my  foe, 
and  it  was  a  panther  couchant.  Making  an  effort  to  draw 
my  sword,  my  hand  came  in  contact  with  the  vial  of  prus- 
sic  acid  in  my  vest  pocket  with  considerable  force.  This 
aroused  me  ;  and,  taking  it  out,  I  determined  to  commit 
suicide,  should  the  panther  overtake  me — preferring  to 
die  thus,  to  being  devoured  alive. 

Again  and  again  the  awful  scream  of  the  infuriated 
animal  arose,  and  fell  like  the  weight  of  a  mountain  on 
my  trembling  frame.  Nobly  my  gallant  horse  strove  to 
save  me  ;  he  required  not  the  whip  or  spur ;  I  gave  him 
a  word  of  encouragement,  and  the  animal, — which  we 
term  a  brute, — returned  a  low,  whining  neigh,  as  if  he 
wished  me  to  understand  that  he  knew  my  danger,  and 


100  VALERIAN   AND   THE   PANTHER. 

would  do  all  in  his  power.  I  looked  up  as  the  horse  sud- 
denly increased  his  speed,  and  found,  to  my  delight,  that 
we  were  in  the  right  track ;  I  imagined  I  could  almost  see 
the  lights  in  the  windows — but  this  I  knew  could  not  be. 
It  was  pleasant,  however,  to  think  that  I  was  going  home, 
and  that  if  my  horse  could  only  keep  ahead  a  few  miles 
further,  we  would  be  safe  ;  when — hist ! — ha !  ha !  was  it 
not  enough  to  raise  the  laugh?  I  heard  the  scream  of  the 
panther  not  two  hundred  yards  behind,  and  could  almost 
hear  his  feet  as  they  struck  the  ground  after  his  leaps.  He 
seemed  to  be  rejoicing  over  his  approaching  feast — his 
screams  arose  fiercer — shriller — more  horrid  than  before. 
The  heavens  gave  back  the  sound — it  was  caught  by 
every  breeze — echoed  from  every  dell;  a  hundred  dis- 
cordant voices  joined  in  the  infernal  melody,  while  the 
loud  neigh  of  my  horse,  as  if  for  help,  framed  itself  into 
a  panther's  shriek.  I  strove  to  breathe  a  prayer;  but  my 
parched  tongue  clove  to  the  roof  of  my  mouth,  and 
what  I  uttered  served  but  to  add  to  the  damning  chorus 
of  hellish  sounds.  I  tore  the  neck  of  my  poor  horse  with 
my  teeth,  to  incite  him  to  greater  speed ;  but  my  time  had 
come.  Again  I  heard  the  panther's  scream,  so  near  that 
it  pierced  my  brain  with  its  acuteness..  I  heard  his  spring, 
as  he  threw  himself  over  the  lowermost  boughs  of  the  trees, 
and  shrank  within  myself,  momentarily  expecting  him  to 
alight,  with  his  sharp  teeth  in  my  heart.  The  thought 
occurred  to  me,  as,  looking  ahead,  I  really  beheld  the 
town  lights  glimmering — if  I  kill  my  horse,  may  not  the 
panther  be  satisfied  with  his  blood,  and  allow  me  to 
escape  ?  There  was  reason  in  it ;  and,  though  a  pang 
shot  through  me  as  I  thought  of  sacrificing  the  noble  ani- 
mal who  had  borne  me  on  thus  far,  yet  the  love  of  life 
overcame  all  scruples.  With  my  penknife  I  felt  carefully 
for  the  carotid  artery,  and,  when  it  was  found,  plunged 


IpSsgKevvroNsc 


•And  the  huge  form  of  the  d-ad  Panther  was  lying  by  my  side,  with  the  pocket 
holding  the  valerian  firmly  e'enched  in  his  teeth:'1— Page  101. 


VALERIAN    AND    THE    PANTHER.  101 

the  blade  in,  inflicting  a  small  but  deadly  gash.  Giving 
a  terrible  spring,  the  hot  blood  gushing  all  over  me,  he 
ran  as  none  but  a  noble  horse,  in  the  agonies  of  death, 
can  run,  and  then,  with  a  low,  reproachful  moan,  fell 
dead ;  whilst  I,  disengaging  myself,  at  a  full  run  strove 
to  make  my  escape. 

I  heard  the  yell  of  the  panther  as  he  reached  the  horse, 
and  as  he  stopped  I  thought  myself  safe  ;  but  not  so  long : 
for  again  his  fierce  scream  came  ringing  o'er  the  air,  and 
I  was  too  well  aware  of  the  habits  of  the  animal  not  to 
know  that  when  the  quarry  is  being  devoured,  their  voice 
is  still.  Suicide  by  poison,  or  a  more  awful  death,  were 
all  that  was  now  left  me.  I  heard  the  rapid  leap  of  the 
panther,  yelling  at  every  spring.  I  uncorked  the  vial, 
and  was  raising  it  to  my  lips,  when,  as  if  by  inspiration, 
came  the  blessed  thought,  that  when  the  panther  seized 
me,  to  pour  the  instantaneous  poison  down  his  throat.  I 
uttered  a  low,  deep  prayer  to  God,  and  for  one,  who,  if 
she  had  known  my  peril,  would  have  sought  to  die  with 
me,  and  then  bracing  myself  firmly  against  a  tree,  with 
the  vial  clenched  in  my  right  hand,  awaited  the  deadly 
foe.  I  heard  his  shriek,  saw  a  huge  form  flying  through 
the  darkness,  felt  a  keen  pang  in  my  shoulder,  and  then, 
pouring  the  acid  in  the  mouth  of  the  panther,  fainted. 

When  I  recovered  consciousness  the  moon  was  shining 
in  my  upturned  face,  and  the  huge  form  of  the  dead  pan- 
ther was  lying  by  my  side,  with  the  pocket  holding  the  va- 
lerian firmly  clenched  in  his  teeth. 


SEEKING  A  LOCATION 

It  was  my  intention,  after  graduating,  to  return  and 
locate  myself  in  the  small  town  where  I  had  studied  my 
profession  ;  but  "  circumstances,"  which  exerted  such  a 
powerful  influence  over  a  late  unsuccessful  aspirant  for 
political  honours,  exercised  a  like  power  upon  me. 

The  death  of  my  preceptor,  whilst  I  was  absent  attend- 
ing my  last  course  of  lectures,  left  a  vacancy  in  the  pro- 
fession at  home,  which  was  speedily  filled,  as  far  as 
numbers  went,  by  a  horde  of  new-comers.  So  I  found  I 
would  have  to  encounter,  if  I  settled  there,  a  greater 
competition,  without  the  assistance  I  calculated  deriving 
from  him,  than  my  slender  means  and  already  embarrassed 
finances  qualified  me  to  meet.  Besides,  locating  among 
those  who  had  known  me  from  boyhood,  the  probation  I 
would  have  to  undergo  before  I  secured  their  full  confi- 
dence would  be  more  severe,  and  of  much  longer  dura- 
tion, than  if  I  had  landed  in  their  midst  a  perfect  stranger. 
The  transition  from  the  boy  to  the  man,  and  from  the 
mischievous  student  to  the  grave,  serious  physician,  is  so 
gradual  and  imperceptible,  that  our  old  and  intimate  ac- 
quaintances do  not  realize  it ;  and  when  they  should  know 
us  as  doctor  they  still  give  us  our  youthful  appellatives, 
and  regard  us  as  boys.  When  I  landed  at  home,  proud 
of  my  new-fledged  honours  and  "sheepskin"  as  a  young 
mother  of  her  first  babe,  I  had,  on  meeting  my  former 
acquaintances,  to  fling  my  memory  back  to  the  eventful 
examining  period  to  convince  myself  that  I  was  really 
a  "  doctor  of  medicine  ;"  for  every  one,  even  down  to  the 

(102) 


SEEKING    A    LOCATION. 


103 


children,  called  me  "Madison"  as  before,  and  none  of 
them  seemed  a  moment  to  consider  that  a  title,  the  acqui- 
sition of  which  had  cost — both  mental  and  pecuniary — as 
much  as  mine,  should  be  occasionally  used. 

In  despite  of  these  disadvantageous  circumstances,  and 
my  own  disinclination,  it  was  the  opinion  of  some  few 
friends,  to  whom  I  deferred  greatly,  that  I  had  better 
locate  there  ;  so  procuring  an  office,  and  having  my  name 
and  title  emblazoned  on  a  sheet  of  tin,  which  I  securely 
fastened  to  the  door,  I  shook  off  gaiety  and  the  dust  of 
my  feet  at  the  lintel,  and  with  a  ponderous  tome,  and  ana- 
tomically painted  skull  before  me,  took  my  seat  at  my  small 
green  baize  coloured  table,  to  await  cases  and  patients. 

I  recollect  distinctly,  as  no  doubt  every  young  profes- 
sional man  does  in  his  own  case,  my  sensations  upon  the 
first  few  days  succeeding  the  setting  of  my  trap,  when  I 
was  constantly  upon  the  look-out  for  some  victim  approach- 
ing the  bait. 

I  tried  to  address  myself  to  the  volume  before  me,  but 
my  busy  imagination  had  turned  architect,  and  was  erect- 
ing air-built  tenements  of  the  most  magnificent  and  gor- 
geous nature. 

"  Calls"  innumerable  flitted  through  my  brain.  Fevers, 
from  simple  intermittents  to  congestive,  were  awaiting  my 
curative  dispensations  ;  whilst  a  trumpeter  stood  ready  to 
peal  forth  my  triumphs  to  the  world,  and  a  quiet,  unob- 
trusive grave,  to  cover  the  unsuccessful. 

I  had  just  performed  a  surgical  operation,  never  before 
attempted,  of  the  most  difficult  and  dangerous  character, 
upon  the  "President,"  with  the  happiest  results.  The 
medical  world  was  ringing  with  my  name  ;  and  even  the 
trading  community,  partaking  of  the  general  enthusiasm, 
mingled  me  in  their  thoughts,  and  spoke  of  my  wonderful 
scientific  achievements  in  the  same  breath  that  told  of  the 


104  SEEKING   A    LOCATION. 

rise  or  decline  of  stocks,  and  a  slight  improvement  in  the 
price  of  cotton.  And  the  ladies,  too — God  bless  them! 
that  their  approving  smiles  sow  the  seeds  of  ambition  in 
many  hearts ;  ay,  even  the  soft,  tender-lipped  lady,  made 
me  a  theme  of  conversation,  when  her  daily  allowance  of 
characters  had  been  torn  to  pieces,  and  scandal  palled  the 
tongue.  Edinburgh  and  London  were  striving  which 
should  obtain  my  services,  as  professor  in  one  of  their 
world-renowned  institutions ;  and  the  crown  was  moving 
from  the  brows  of  Esculapius  to  my  own  ;  when — hark! 
"  'Tis  the  cathedral  pealing  my  triumphs!"  "Listen 
how  the  solemn  chant  comes  pouring  up  the  mysterious 
aisle!"  Pshaw!  "  'tis  the  supper-bell ;"  fi  a  little  negro 
ringing  'Jim  along  Josey.'  " 

I  wrapped  my  cloak  around  me  as  if  to  shut  out  all  the 
world,  and  strode  off  moodily  to  my  supper,  mad  at  my- 
self for  having  yielded  to  my  fancy,  and  almost  allowing 
it  to  lead  me  astray. 

One  day  passed  without  a  call — six  days  died  of  ma- 
rasmus, and  never  the  first  patient  crossed  the  threshold 
of  my  office.  I  could  see  other  physicians  hurrying  by, 
attending  to  their  numerous  calls ;  some  of  them  as 
youthful  as  myself;  but,  happily  for  them,  they  had  the 
impress  of  the  exotic,  whilst  I  was  indigenous  to  the  soil. 
I  sat  in  my  lonely  office,  and  could  hear,  as  the  busy 
noises  of  the  town  died  away,  and  night  allowed  care 
to  come  on  the  face,  which,  through  the  garish  day,  had 
striven  to  appear  mirthful,  the  hurried  step  of  the  messen- 
ger from  the  sick  ;  but  they  never  stopped  at  my  door — 
but  on,  on  by,  till  distance  had  eaten  up  their  clanging 
tread.  Mine  is  a  temperament  which,  exalted  to  almost 
delirium  one  moment,  sinks  into  proportionate  depression 
the  next ;  and  even  the  short  space  of  a  week  without 
employment  made   me  down-hearted,  and   assailed  me 


SEEKING   A    LOCATION.  105 

with  continual  despondency.  My  debts,  contracted 
through  the  long  years  I  had  devoted  to  my  profession — 
for  malicious  tongues  had  estranged  my  preceptor  almost 
from  me  before  his  death,  and  determined  me  to  repay 
him  for  all  his  pecuniary  expenditures — knocked  continu- 
ally against  the  door  of  my  honour,  and  often,  as  I  heard 
the  saw  and  hammer  of  the  artisan  ringing  through  the 
town,  I  almost  cursed  the  mistaken  kindness  of  my 
friends,  which  had  made  a  professional  man  of  me,  and 
wished,  like  the  mechanic,  I  could  go  forth  and  earn  my 
sweet  and  honest  bread  by  the  hot  sweat  of  my  brow. 

By  chance  I  learned  that  a  good  location  for  a  young 
physician  presented  itself  in  the  Louisiana  swamps.  To 
resolve  to  seek  it,  to  communicate  my  resolution  to  my 
friends,  to  obtain  the  necessary  letters  of  introduction,  and 
take  passage  on  a  steamer  bound  for  Vicksburg,  where  I 
would  have  to  reship,  was  the  work  of  a  few  hours. 

The  contemplated  location  was  a  short  distance  in  the 
interior  of  the  parish  of  Madison,  and  my  next  destination 

after  arriving  at  V would  be  Milliken's  Bend,  where 

I  could  obtain  a  horse  and  explore  the  country. 

Just  at  sunrise,  a  steamer  of  rather  slender  dimensions 

and  shabby  appearance,  came  creeping  along  to  V . 

As  it  was  the  first  upward-bound  boat  that  had  arrived,  a 
crowd  of  passengers,  who  were  there  awaiting  one,  rushed 
on  board  to  secure  a  passage,  myself  among  the  number. 
Ascertaining  how  long  she  intended  remaining  there, 
which  was  but  a  short  time,  I  thought  I  would  have  time 
to  go  up  town  and  purchase  some  articles  which  I  re- 
quired, and  had  nearly  forgotten ;  I  procured  them,  and 
heard,  as  I  descended  the  levee,  the  boat  ringing  her  last 
bell ;  hastening  my  steps,  I  jumped  on  board  just  as  she 
was  pushing  out.  On  going  up  in  the  cabin,  I  found  to 
my  surprise  that  I  was  the   only  passenger.     She  had 


106  SEEKING    A   LOCATION. 

brought  none  to  Vicksburg,  and  of  all  the  crowd  who 
rushed  on  there,  none  had  remained  save  myself. 

There  was  a  mystery  about  the  thing  that  I  could  not 
fathom,  and  did  not  endeavour  very  hard  to  penetrate ;  for 
my  future  was  a  sufficiently  impenetrable  enigma  to  em- 
ploy all  my  penetration.  Attributing  the  absence  of  pas- 
sengers to  the  poor  accommodations  that  were  visible,  I 
gave  myself  no  further  thought  about  the  matter,  but 
taking  my  cigar,  ascended  to  the  hurricane-deck,  and 
there  seating  myself,  gazed  abstractedly  out  upon  the 
waters,  and  gave  myself  up  to  my  reflections.  They  were 
of  a  mixed  nature ;  joy  and  sorrow,  pride  and  shame, 
struggling  for  the  mastery  through  all  my  recollections, 
and  making  too  many  compromises  with  each  other  for  a 
spirit  that  strove  to  be  at  peace  with*itself. 

There,  in  the  same  bold,  impetuous  torrent,  coursed  the 
majestic  "  Father  of  Waters,"  as  it  did  ten  long  years 
ago,  when  the  doctor,  who  was  ascending  it,  seeking  for 
a  home  amidst  strangers — his  heart  care-worn  and  filled 
with  anxiety,  descended  its  current — a  scullion. 

My  pride  was  gratified  to  think  that  I  had  risen  as  it 
were  superior  to  my  station  and  opportunities,  and,  from 
a  scullion,  had  become  a  member  of  an  honourable  pro- 
fession; and  that,  too,  ere  the  beard  had  come  on  my  face, 
or  years  twenty-one  stamped  me  a  man. 

We  were  within  two  miles  of  the  "  Bend,"  when,  as 
I  descended  from  the  upper  deck,  being  partly  hidden  by 
the  wheel-house,  I  heard  one  of  the  officers  remark  to  the 
captain,  in  a  laughing  tone,  « I  wonder  if  that  young  fel- 
low up  on  the  deck  there,  would  smoke  his  cigar  so 
unconcernedly  if  he  only  knew  he  was  seated  over 
twenty  thousand  kegs  of  powder?" 

I  almost  slipped  overboard  in  my  surprise.  Twenty 
thousand  kegs  of  powder !     Jehovah !  how  much  of  Ma- 


SEEKING    A    LOCATION.  107 

dison  Tensas,  M.  D.,  would  be  left,  I  wonder,  after  that 
quantity  of  explosive  material  had  ignited  under  him  ? 
One  of  the  finest  instances  on  record  of  molecular  disin- 
tegration would  be  presented,  I  expect.  This  explains 
why  the  passengers  left  so  summarily.  I  must  get  out  of 
this." 

"  I  believe  I  will  go  ashore,  captain ;  there  is  where  I 
want  to  land,"  pointing  to  a  house  at  least  two  miles 
below  the  "  Stores." 

The  boat  landed ;  and,  after  getting  ashore,  I  did  not 
cease  running  until  I  got  considerable  space  and  a  large 
tree  between  her  and  myself.  The  crew,  suspecting  from 
my  movements  that  I  had  discovered  the  nature  of  their 
cargo,  gave  vent  to  a  hearty  peal  of  laughter,  with  which 
sounding  in  my  ears,  I  gained  the  high-road.  And  this 
was  my  first  introduction  to  the  state  of  my  future  adop- 
tion. 

Having  a  letter  of  introduction  for  the  principal  physi- 
cian in  the  "Bend,"  I  slung  my  saddle-bags  over  my 
shoulder,  and  trudged  along  through  the  mud  to  his  house, 
the  direction  of  which  I  obtained  from  a  passer-by. 

Upon   presenting   my  letter  to   Doctor  J ,  I  was 

received  with  as  much  kindness  and  consideration  as  if  I 
had  been  a  magnate  of  the  land,  rolling  up  in  my  carriage 
and  four,  instead  of  a  poor  young  doctor,  saddle-bags  on 
shoulder,  seeking  a  home  in  the  swTamp. 

Thine  wTas  a  good,  kind  welcome,  Doctor  Tom,  and 
the  »  Swamp  Doctor,"  I  assure  you,  often  recurs  to  it 
with  pleasure.  Thine  was  the  first  stranger's  hand,  in 
my  adopted  state,  that  I  pressed,  and  found,  ere  it  had 
unclasped  its  pressure,  that  I  held  a  friend's.  Thine  was 
the  first  roof  in  this  land  of  hospitable  homes  that  sheltered 
me  ;  and  oh!  thy  hands  compounded  the  first  julep  which 
for  long,  long  months  had  ecstasied  my  lips,  thou  hast  to 


103  SEEKING   A   LOCATION. 

answer  to  old  D e  for  the  apostacy  of  one  of  his  chosen 

disciples ;  and  though  I  have  felt  contrition  for  the  fall, 
yet  I  forgive  thee,  Doctor  Tom,  cheerfully  I  forgive  thee. 
Would  that  one  sat  before  me  now,  as  I  write  in  my  lonely 
bachelor  den,  the  skies  obscured  with  darkness,  the  rain 
pattering  against  the  casement,  the  single  bed  looking  so 
cold,  so  cold,  and  the  December  blast  whistling  through 
the  chinks  of  the  logs ;  would  that  I  had  one  now!  winter 
as  it  is,  though  it  were  heaped  with  ice,  if  it  came  from 
thy  hands,  thy  warmth  of  heart  would  impart  to  it  some 
of  its  cordial  fire,  and  kindle  up  a  genial  glow  within  my 
frame.  Though  I  were  thrice  a  Son  of  Temperance,  I 
could  not  refrain  from  a  julep  of  thy  mixing,  and  though 
my  lips  might  murmur,  my  heart  would  not  dictate, 
«  Deliver  me  from  temptation."  Oh!  what  a  glorious  bar- 
keeper was  spoiled  when  they  made  you  a  doctor,  Doctor 
Tom! 

After  partaking  of  a  cold  snack,  it  not  yet  being  the 
dinner-hour,  mounted  on  a  horse  which  the  doctor  loaned 
me,  I  obtained  the  necessary  directions,  and  turning  my 
back  on  the  Mississippi  river,  struck  into  the  interior,  in 
search  of  the  contemplated  location. 

The  settlement  to  which  I  was  destined,  was  situated 
on  a  small  river  which,  singular  to  relate,  as  I  had  never 
heard  of  any  member  of  my  family  having  ever  lived  there, 
bore  the  same  name  as  myself,  being  called  the  «  Tensas." 
Looking  upon  this  coincidence  of  names  as  a  good  omen, 
an  assurance  at  least  that  I  would  meet  one  acquaintance 
or  kinsman  there,  I  surrendered  my  mind  to  a  renewal  of 
my  day-dreams  of  future  professional  success  and  dis- 
tinction, and  disregarding  a  proper  notice  of  the  road, 
suddenly  awakened  and  found  myself  lost — the  road  hav- 
ing given  out  in  a  cypress  brake. 

To  resolve  to  return  was  one  thing,  to  do  it  another, 


SEEKING    A    LOCATION.  109 

for  the  timber  roads  so  crossed  and  interlaced  each  other 
that  I  frequently  found  myself  returning  to  the  same  point 
in  the  "  brake"  from  whence  I  started.  Well,  thought 
I,  I  hope  my  future  lot  will  be  a  verification  of  the  old 
adage,  that  a  "  bad  beginning  makes  a  good  ending," 
for  mine  is  bad  enough.  I  wandered  about  several  hours, 
occasionally  dismounting  to  assist  my  horse  out  of  some 
slough  wherein  he  had  bogged,  and  was  about  to  give  it 
up  as  a  bad  job,  when  I  had  the  good  fortune  to  find  a 
road,  which,  being  over  knee-deep  in  mud,  and  dotted 
with  the  bones  of  deceased  oxen,  I  judged  to  be  the  main 
highway,  which  conjecture  I  soon  verified  on  meeting  a 
traveller.  After  proceeding  a  few  miles  I  reached  Eagle 
Lake,  which  it  was  necessary  to  cross  in  a  shallow  ferry 
flat.  Here  an  accident  occurred,  which  came  near  pre- 
venting these  pages  from  ever  being  written.  The  current 
was  running  very  strongly  from  a  small  bayou  into  the 
lake,  and  as  we  approached  the  shore,  suddenly  striking 
the  flat,  it  impelled  it  with  considerable  force  against  a 
tree,  which  the  high  water  had  submerged  for  ten  or 
twelve  feet.  I  was  standing  in  the  bow  of  the  flat,  hold- 
ing my  horse  by  the  rein,  and  the  shock  nearly  prostrated 
us  both.  Before  I  could  recover,  the  horse  plunged  over- 
board. I  would  have  been  dragged  with  him  to  almost 
certain  death,  as  I  could  not  swim,  had  not  the  ferry-man 
caught  me,  and  released  my  arm  from  the  rein.  The 
steed  swam  to  shore,  and  after  a  short  time  suffered  him- 
self to  be  mounted.  Matters,  so  far,  I  must  confess,  had 
not  impressed  me  very  favourably  with  the  country — first 
to  be  lost  in  a  cypress  brake,  and  then  my  life  placed  in 
jeopardy,  looked  rather  like  discouraging  treatment ;  but 
I  had  determined  to  bear  up  against  everything,  and  if 
these  were  the  heaviest  misfortunes  I  had  to  encounter,  to 
laugh  at  care. 
78 


110  SEEKING   A    LOCATION. 

Just  as  the  sun  was  setting  I  reached  the  "Tensas," 
striking  it  at  the  "point,"  to  the  owner  of  which,  Mr. 

C ,  I  had  a  letter  of  introduction.     He  received  me 

very  hospitably,  and  was  profuse  in  his  offers  of  assistance, 
both  by  employing  me  himself,  and  favourably  recom- 
mending me  to  his  friends. 

The  night  passed  off,  and  the  next  morning  Mr.  C 

and  myself  started 'to  visit  the  other  families  to  whom  I 
had  letters  of  introduction  and  recommendation ;  not  two 
hundred  yards  from  the  house,  it  became  necessary  to 
cross  what  was  called  the  "Island  shoot."  The  current 
was  running  swiftly,  and  it  was  nearly  swimming.  My 
companion,  better  acquainted  with  the  passage,  forded  it 
safely ;  but  in  following,  my  steed  got  astride  of  a  sub- 
merged log,  and  down  we  both  went,  head  and  ears, 
under  the  muddy  waters.  I  determined,  if  possible,  not 
to  dissolve  the  union  between  horse  and  rider,  and  there- 
fore held  on  to  him,  and  at  length  he  scrambled  out.  I 
was  thoroughly  drenched,  but  I  knew  at  the  outset  it 
would  never  do  to  appear  to  mind  such  an  accident  before 

an  "  old  swamper,"  like  Mr.  C ,  and  therefore  joined 

him  in  his  hearty  laugh  at  the  dolesome  plight  of  myself 
and  horse.  To  make  the  matter  worse,  I  had  only  the 
suit  of  clothes  I  wore  along,  and  was  constrained  to  bor- 
row a  change  of  apparel.     I  am  above  the  average  size, 

and  both  Mr.  C and  his  overseer  were  considerably 

under ;  so  a  proper  appreciation  can  be  had  of  the  nature 
of  the  fit.  Laying  off  my  cloth,  I  donned  a  suit  of  "  swamp 
broad-cloth," — yellow  linsey — which  clove  to  my  propor- 
tions as  if  it  were  an  integral  portion  of  my  frame.  This 
time  we  had  better  luck  crossing  the  "  shoot,"  and  after 
spending  the  day,  visiting  the  neighbours,  and  making 
arrangements  for  securing  the  practice,  we  returned  to  the 
"point."     My  unique  appearance  created  a  good  deal 


SEEKING    A    LOCATION.  Ill 

of  mirth  and  remark  during  the  day ;  but  as  I  laughed 
with  the  loudest,  ridicule  was  soon  despoiled  of  his  shaft, 
and  my  indifference  at  what  would  have  affected  the  ma- 
jority of  young  men,  very  sensibly  raised  me  proportion- 
ately high  in  the  opinion  of  the  "  swampers." 

The  encouragement  I  had  received,  I  thought  sufficient 
to  warrant  me  in  locating  there  ;  s©  the  next  morning  I 
started,  on  my  return,  to  procure  a  horse,  and  have  my 
books  and  medicines  brought  to  my  new  home.  The 
settlement  I  designed  locating  in,  was  a  very  new  one, 
the  majority  of  the  residents  holding  their  lands  merely 
by  pre-emption  claims,  little  of  the  country  having  been 
offered  for  sale  by  "Uncle  Sam."  There  was  but  one 
frame  house  in  the  whole  settlement,  the  dwellings  with 
that  exception  being  composed  of  logs,  some  with  the 
bark  yet  on  them,  others  of  split  trees,  whilst  a  few,  by 
their  squared  appearance,  gave  evidence  of  the  broad-axe, 
and  a  greater  degree  of  refinement  in  their  occupants. 

Fortunately  for  me,  as  I  thought  at  the  outset,  but  un- 
happily, as  the  sequel  proved,  the  most  influential,  or 
rather  the  most  numerous  portion  of  the  settlers  of  my 
destined  locality,  were  all  of  one  family,  or  otherwise 
closely  connected.  Being  originally  from  Virginia,  they 
had  all  the  proverbial  clannishness  of  that  highly  favoured 
race,  and  the  mortal  upon  whom  one  of  the  "  set"  smiled 
was  immediately  sneezed  upon  with  favour  by  the  rest. 
They  all  eat  with  the  same  tastes,  and  used  the  same  pair 
of  spectacles  to  view  men  and  measures.  They  were  a 
hardy,  vigorous,  industrious  set,  and,  divested  of  their 
foolish  clannishness,  irreproachable.  The  first  year,  1 
was  a  small  saviour  with  them;  the  second,  having 
aroused  the  ire  of  one  of  them,  the  whole  clan  were  as 
strenuous  to  break  me  down,  as  the  year  before  they  had 
been  solicitous  to  advance  my  interests ;  but  the  «  Swamp 


112  SEEKING   A    LOCATION. 

Doctor"  had  grown  beyond  their  reach.  But  I  anticipate, 
and  must  return. 

The  lands  were  composed  of  rich  alluvial,  deposited  by 
the  turbid  waters  of  the  Mississippi,  and  protected  by  em- 
bankments termed  "  levees,"  ungratefully  thrown  up  to 
keep  out  the  very  cause  to  which  the  country  owed  its 
existence.  Whenever  the  levees  proved  insufficient,  or 
happened  to  break,  chickens  and  garden-tools  fell  to  a 
discount,  and  ducks  and  cat-hooks  rose  to  a  premium. 

The  tillable  land,  varying  in  breadth  from  one  hundred 
yards  to  several  miles,  lay  upon  the  water-courses,  which 
ramified  the  surface  of  the  country,  and  formed,  when 
swollen  by  rains  or  overflow,  a  perfect  network  of  watery 
communications.  The  land  between  the  tillable  or  cane 
ridges,  was  low  swamp,  almost  quagmire,  never  thoroughly 
dry,  and  almost  impassable  nine  months  out  of  the  year. 

In  the  height  of  summer  the  country  appeared  to  a  fair 
advantage,  surpassing  any  in  the  world  for  producing  the 
great  southern  staple  ;  but  at  the  time  I  first  visited  it,  not 
expecting  company,  it  had  on  almost  its  worst  garb.  The 
mud  was  nearly  saddle-skirt  deep  in  the  roads,  and  the 
low  lands  utterly  impassable. 

I  thought  that  never  yet  did  country  merit  its  name  so 
well  as  it ;  the  whole  of  the  Louisiana  bottpms  being  in- 
discriminately known  as  the  "  swamp,"  and  people,  male 
and  female,  termed  "  swampers." 

The  appearance  of  the  country  would  have  disgusted 
and  deterred  many  from  settling,  but  it  had  the  promise 
of  being  a  sickly  one,  and  highly  suitable  for  a  doctor — 
and  such  was  the  locality  I  sought ;  besides,  I  was  cer- 
tain of  making  a  support,  and  to  accomplish  that,  I  would 
have  submitted  to  any  and  all  privations. 

I  returned  safely  to  the  «  Bend,"  and  being  careful  in 
my  selection  of  a  boat  this  time,  to  see  that  she  had  not  a 


CUPPING    AN   IRISHMAN.  113 

government  contract  for  transporting  powder,  arrived  at 
my  former  home,  and  commenced  making  preparations 
for  a  speedy  return  to  my  adopted  "  swamp." 

In  a  few  days,  I  had  concluded  my  arrangements,  and 
without  a  sigh  or  a  tear  of  regret  turned  my  back  on  my 
student  home,  and  sought  my  new  location,  which  I 
reached  without  further  adventure. 


CUPPING  AN  IRISHMAN. 

During  my  last  year's  attendance  on  the  lectures,  I 
became  the  inmate,  for  the  purpose  of  walking  the  wards, 
of  a  certain  marine  hospital,  situated  on  a  certain  western 
river — of  which  Randolph  has  recorded  his  opinion — ■ 
where  the  patients  receive — paradoxical  as  it  may  seem— 
the  kindest,  yet  the  grossest  treatment  imaginable. 

There  were  four  or  five  brother  "  Rats"  besides  myself 
residing  in  the  hospital,  all  candidates  for  graduation,  and 
consequently  all  desirous  of  obtaining  sufficient  medical 
lore  to  prevent  us  from  being  thrown  higher  at  the  "  ides 
of  March." 

Never  before — at  least  by  any  of  us — was  such  assiduity 
displayed  ;  so  much  mental  pabulum  devoured  ;  so  many 
of  the  latent  energies  of  studiousness  called  into  play,  as 
then.  No  case,  however  disgusting,  was  put  in  the  ob 
jective  ;  no  symptom,  however  trivial,  obscure,  or  mys- 
terious, could  pass  unnoticed  ;  and  the  proudest  soar  of  the 
bird  of  Jove  would  have  passed  unheeded,  had  a  sore  of 
another  description  occurred  coincidently.  Fingers  which 
the  previous  session  had  never  been  employed  in  higher 


114  CUPPING   AN    IRISHMAN. 

surgery  than  forking  a  sleepy  chum,  or  picking  needle- 
points out  of  a  pretty  seamstress's  hand,  now  gracefully 
adapted  the  pliant  bandage  to  the  fractured  limb,  or  drew 
the  ruby  with  the  lancet  keen.  No  longer  the  sweet 
vision  of  midnight  oyster-suppers  illumined  the  mental 
horizon,  obscured  by  the  listening  to  of  six  long  lectures 
daily.  No  longer  at  the  "  wee  short  hours  ayant  the  twal" 
was  our  Ganymede  summoned  to  evoke  the  spirit  of  the 
whiskey  jug.  No  longer  musingly  reclining  did  we  watch 
the  airy  genii  of  the  best  cigar,  borne  up  heavenward  on 
the  curling  chariots  of  their  consuming  earthly  tabernacles. 
No  longer — pshaw !  to  comprise  the  whole,  we  were 
studying  for  our  degrees,  preparing  for  the  opportunity  of 
passing  our  opinion  on  the  question,  "  Whether  the  sheep- 
skin of  a  young  graduate,  applied  to  his  back,  would  be 
a  contiguous  or  a  continuous  membrane?" 

Among  the  rest  was  Charley  L ,  a  young  fellow 

of  considerable  talents — well  aware,  by  the  bye,  of  their 
possession — who  having  heard  of  my  reputation  for  cup- 
ping, was  not  long  in  bantering  me  to  a  trial  of  skill, 
having  some  pretensions  that  way  himself. 

"Tensas,"  said  he  one  night,  when  we  had  all  assem- 
bled in  the  apothecary's  shop  of  the  establishment,  to 
compare  notes  and  discuss  the  day,  "  do  you  think  you 
could  cup  an  Irishman  ?" 

"  Cup  an  Irishman !"  repeated  I,  "  yes,  or  a  Dutch- 
man, or  an  eel,  or  a  buck  running,  or  a  streak  of  slow 
lightning,  or  anything  that  wears  four  square  inches  of 
skin.     But  why  do  you  ask,  Charley?" 

"Why,  I  tried  to-day,  and  it  took  me  so  long,  and  was 
not  well  done  at  that,  that  I  got  in  late  to  old  D 's  lec- 
ture, and  he  looked  as  sour  at  me  as  if  he  had  caught  one 
of  the  vice  presidents  of  the  P.  T.  S.,  drinking  something 
stronger  than  water." 


CUPPING   AN    IRISHMAN.  115 

"  Well,  just  show  your  Irishman  to  me,  and  if  I  don't 
scarify  and  cup  him  in  ten  minutes  I'll  treat — that  is,  take 
notes  for  the  whole  crowd  to-morrow." 

"  I'll  give  you  half  an  hour,  and  you  can't  do  it — scarify 
and  put  twelve  tumblers  on  him.  I'll  bet  you  a  box  of 
cig — hem  —  give  you  choice  of  subjects  at  the  next 
raising." 

"  Done !  when  shall  the  trial  come  off?" 

"  Right  off;  everything  is  ready,  Irishman  and  all." 

In  the  medical  ward  at  that  time  was  an  Irishman,  evi- 
dently not  long  caught,  whose  greatest  disease,  from  all 
external  indications,  was  poverty. 

The  weather  being  very  inclement,  and  the  hospital 
having  the  reputation  of  keeping  up  good  fires,  and  feeding 
its  inmates  pretty  well,  Pat  took  an  idea  into  his  head  that 
he  would  lay  up  within  its  friendly  walls  during  the  severity 
of  the  winter ;  so  going  to  the  mayor  of  the  city,  whose 
benevolent  heart  never  allowed  him  to  refuse  an  applicant 
for  the  city's  charities,  he  obtained  by  his  piteous  repre- 
sentations and  obvious  want,  a  hospital  permit,  and  was, 
in  consequence  of  it,  soon  snugly  ensconced. 

Having  the  faculty  of  bending  one  knee,  so  that  no 
efforts  could  straighten  the  joint,  he  came  in  as  a  case  of 
chronic  rheumatism,  and  manfully  the  rascal  stood  the 
kind  exertions  to  relieve  him,  so  as  to  deceive  the  most 
experienced,  and  cause  the  putting  of  him  down  in  the 
books  as  one  of  the  "incurables." 

Charley,  however,  having  fine  opportunities  of  investi 
gating  the  case,  had  his   suspicions  aroused  as  to  the 
reality  of  Pat's  disease,  and,  determining  to  settle  the  mat- 
ter, selected  him  as  my  cupping  subject. 

"  Boys,"  said  he,  "  I  believe  Pat's  shamming ;  suppose 
we  tell  him  that  old  D has  directed  him  to  be  scari- 
fied and  cupped,  and  Tensas  can  apply  the  remedy!" 


116  CUPPING   AN   IRISHMAN. 

"  Agreed !"  said  all  with  one  voice.  Filling  a  tray 
with  tumblers  and  a  bottle  of  alcohol,  we  proceeded  in  a 
body  to  the  ward  where  the  victim  was  placidly  reposing. 

Seeing  us  approach  with  all  the  apparatus  for  "  making 
a  night  of  it,"  Pat  imagined  he  was  going  to  be  put  on  a 
more  stimulating  course  of  treatment,  and  his  eyes  fairly 
glistened,  and  his  leg  was,  if  possible,  drawn  still  more 
closely  to  his  body  as  he  took  a  mental  view  of  his  situ- 
ation ;  no  work,  good  lodgings,  pleasant  medicine,  liberal 
diet,  and  at  last,  to  cap  the  climax  of  his  earthly  felicity, 
the  pure  "  Crame  of  the  Valley." 

"  Well,  Pat,  my  boy,  how  do  you  rise  to-night?" 

"  Faith,  an'  good  troth,  young  docthurs,  like  Inglan's 
tare  for  the  ould  counthry's  misry,  I  don't  rise  at  all  at 
all — not  aven  the  laste  bit ;  here  is  me  stretched  on  me 
back  like  a  nagur,  unable  to  work  for  my  praties,  or  a 
wee  drap  of  the  crathur,  ochone  !  ochone  !" 

"  Don't  you  improve  any  ?     Can't  you  walk  a  bit  ?" 

"  Shure,  not  a  bit !  How  am  I  to  travel  when  my  fat 
is  bent  up  to  where  a  rich  man's  boot  shakes  hands  with 
a  puir  man  ?  ochone !  Its  'frade  I  am  I'll  be  always  here, 
instid  of  warkin',  an'  drinkin',  an'  votin',  an'  bein'  a  fray- 
man,  as  me  muther  was  to  the  fore." 

"  I  hope  not,  Pat,"  said  I,  desirous  of  bringing  the  con- 
versation to  a  close,  "  old  D has  directed  me  to  cup 

you,  and  that  is  what  has  brought  us  up." 

»  Cup  me,  is  it  ?  Well  it's  reddy  I  am — shure  an'  have 
been  for  the  long  time  ;  make  it  strong  with  the  whiskey ; 
bless  the  ould  man,  I  tould  him  the  other  day,  when  he 
was  prachin'  the  could  wather,  that  a  good  strong  cup 
would  cure  me  as  well !" 

Great  was  Pat's  consternation  when  he  found  that  the 
tumblers,  from  which  arose  the  odoriferous  scent  of  the 
alcohol,  were  to  go  on  him,  instead  of  their  contents  going 


CUPPING    AN    IRISHMAN.  117 

in  him.  He  would  have  demurred,  but  he  saw  the  use- 
lessness  of  the  attempt,  and  therefore  assented  to  the  ope- 
ration with  rather  a  lank  visage,  I  must  confess. 

I  soon  repented  the  wager,  and  wished  myself  well  rid 
of  my  bargain  ;  the  rascal  had  perfect  command  of  the 
muscles  of  his  brawny  chest,  and  no  sooner  would  a  cup 
be  exhausted  and  applied,  than  with  a  sudden  contraction 
of  the  muscles,  he  would  send  it,  with  a  simmering  noise, 
rolling  to  the  distant  side  of  the  bed.  I  tried  every  way, 
in  the  usual  manner,  to  make  them  retain  their  hold,  but 
the  task  was  fruitless ;  occasionally  one  would  flatter  me 
it  was  going  to  remain,  but  scarcely  could  I  give  my 
attention  to  the  other  side,  when  off  it  would  come.  The 
half  hour  wanted  but  ten  minutes  of  being  out,  and  the 
cups  were  still  unapplied.  I  became  almost  desperate, 
and  called  up  two  long-nailed  Kentucky  nurses,  and 
made  them  hitch  their  fingers  in  the  folds  of  the  integu- 
ments on  either  side,  so  as  to  hold  the  muscles  tense  until 
the  cups  could  adhere.  This  plan  bid  fair  to  answer,  and 
the  jeerings,  remarks,  and  shouts  of  laughter,  at  my  ap- 
parent discomfiture,  which  had  greeted  me  in  that  unusual 
place  for  mirth,  somewhat  subsided;  one  minute  of  the 
allotted  time  was  left,  and  but  one  cup  remained  unap- 
plied. Up  to  this  time,  the  steward  of  the  hospital  had 
been  waiting  upon  me,  pouring  the  alcohol,  with  which 
to  exhaust  the  cup,  from  a  tumbler  nearly  full  into  an 
empty  glass,  and  then  turning  it  out,  he  would  hand  it  to 
me,  and  by  the  time  it  was  applied  have  another  ready  ; 
but  one  remained,  as  I  have  said,  and  I  was  waiting  for 
it,  when  Charley,  who  had  a  finale  for  his  test  which  none 
of  us  anticipated,  suddenly  substituted  for  the  empty  glass, 
the  one  nearly  full  of  pure  alcohol ;  suspecting  no  such 
trick,  and  there  being  no  time  for  critical  examination,  I 
stuck  the  candle  to  it,  and  essayed  as  the  blaze  ourst  out, 


118  CUPPING   AN    IRISHMAN. 

to  apply  it  high  up  on  the  Irishman's  breast.  With  a 
rushing,  roaring  sound,  out  burst  the  flaming  liquid  all 
over  the  poor  devil's  body. 

With  a  loud  scream,  amidst  the  roars  of  involuntary 
laughter  which  attended  his  advent,  Patrick  gave  a  spring 
nearly  to  the  ceiling,  and  dashing  like  fragile  reeds  the 
sturdy  men  who  were  holding  him  to  the  floor,  amidst 
the  cries  of  fire  !  fire  !  curses  in  Irish,  loud  and  long,  and 
the  crash  of  the  shivering  tumblers,  as  he  shed  himself  of 
them,  took  refuge  in  a  large  bathing-tub  full  of  water, 
which,  fortunately  for  him,  stood  in  the  ward. 

The  shouts  of  fire  alarmed  the  whole  hospital,  and  here, 
Dell-mell,  came  the  patients  to  see  where  it  was.  Forms 
emaciated  by  consumption  rustled  against  others  distended 
by  dropsy.  Four  forms  lay  mixed  up  in  the  hall,  and  all 
of  them  could  only  muster  up  two  pairs  of  legs,  a  pair  and 
a  half  of  eyes,  and  four  arms.  It  was  as  though  a  false 
alarm  had  been  given  by  Gabriel,  and  only  a  partial  resur- 
rection had  taken  place. 

In  one  of  the  upper  apartments  was  a  private  patient, 
labouring  under  the  disease  indifferently  known  as  the 
blue-devils,  red-monkeys,  seeing  injuns,  or  man-with-the- 
poker,  or  rather  that  mysterious  individual  had  succeeded 
in  overtaking  his  victim,  and  awful  licks,  to  be  sure,  he 
was  giving.  His  delirium  was,  that  he  was  an  alligator, 
and  that  there  was  a  blood-thirsty  minnow  determined  on 
taking  his  life  at  all  hazards.  Great  were  his  struggles 
fo  preserve  himself,  requiring  the  constant  presence  of 
two  keepers  to  restrain  him  from  self-immolation. 

Hearing  the  shouts  of  fire  from  below,  they,  acting  on 
the  conservative  principle,  left  their  patient,  and  sought 
safety  in  flight,  not  long  unfollowed  by  the  drunkard,  who 
proceeded  down  stairs,  until  he  came  to  the  ward  from 
whence  the  shouts  of  laughter  had  not  ceased  to  issue. 


CUPPING   AN    IRISHMAN.  119 

The  door  being  open,  in  he  marched,  presenting  a  fearful 
aspect — nearly  naked,  his  eyes  blood-shotten,  and  glaring 
with  the  light  of  delirium,  his  teeth  clenched,  with  the 
lips  drawn  apart,  a  slight  foam  resting  on  them,  blood 
dripping  from  a  wound  in  his  forehead,  and  brandishing 
a  huge  medical  appurtenance,  acting  on  the  principle  of 
the  force-pump,  and  familiar  to  children  on  a  small  scale. 

Seeing  Pat  in  the  tub,  the  cynosure  of  all  eyes,  the  man 
with  the  red-monkeys  took  an  idea  that  he  was  the  iden- 
tical minnow  aiming  at  the  vitality  of  his  alligatorship, 
and  this  would  be  a  good  opportunity  of  killing  him  off. 

With  a  loud  yell,  he  sprung  towards  poor  Pat,  who, 
perfectly  bewildered,  let  him  get  nearly  on  him,  before  he 
thought  of  getting  out  of  the  way. 

"  Hould  him  !"  he  yelled,  "  the  crathur's  gone  clane 
out  of  his  head !  Holy  jabers !  hould  him !  He'll  be 
afther  the  killin'  me!" 

But  no  one  having  time,  or  showing  a  disposition  to 
interfere,  he  found  he  would  have  to  bestir  himself  in  his 
own  behalf,  and  the  biggest  tracks,  and  the  fastest,  and 
the  more  of  them,  were  made  by  the  man  who,  previous 
to  the  time,  had  not  moved  a  step  for  months.  Through 
the  long  hall,  down  the  double  steps,  out  of  the  yard,  and 
over  the  commons  he  went,  yelling  at  every  jump,  whilst 
the  "  man  with  the  poker's"  friend,  perfectly  satisfied  at 
the  result,  fish-like  squatted  down  in  the  tub,  and  then 
quietly  suffered  himself  to  be  led  back  to  his  room. 


BEING  EXAMINED  FOR  MY  DEGREE. 

Reader  !  have  you  ever  taken  a  shower-bath  of  a  cold 
winter's  morning  ?  or  felt  a  snake  crawling  over  you  whilst 
in  bed?  or  tried  to  sleep  with  a  deadly  fight  awaiting  you 
in  the  morning  ?  or  tried  to  unite  the  oil  of  your  nature 
with  the  agua  pura  of  a  chattering  damsel,  and  found  no 
alkali  to  effect  the  union — in  other  words,  popped  the 
question  and  been — refused?  or  swallowed  poison,  and 
no  stomach-pump  about  ?  or  slept  with  a  man  with  the 
small-pox?  or  tried  to  write,  with  a  couple  of  gabbling 
widows  in  the  next  room  ?  or  run  for  a  political  office  ?  or 
shook  hands  with  the  itch  ?  or  been  without  a  friend  or 
dollar,  thousands  of  miles  from  home,  and  a  catch-pole 
after  you  for  your  tavern  bill  ?  or  had  the  toothache  ?  or — 
think  of  the  most  uneasy,  miserable  melancholy,  dolesome 
action,  sensation,  occurrence,  or  thought  of  your  life. 
Read  of  nothing  for  two  weeks  but  earthquakes,  famines, 
bankruptcy,  murders,  suicides,  and  distress  in  its  blackest 
form :  work  on  your  imagination  until  you  feel  yourself 
labouring  under  all  these  combined  misfortunes,  and  per- 
haps then  you  may  have  a  slight  appreciation  of  how  a 
young  grave  rat  feels  just  before  he  is  examined  for  his 
degree.  Examined,  too,  by  seven  old  dried-up  specimens 
of  humanity,  who  look  as  if  they  had  descended  for  the 
occasion  from  some  anatomical  museum,  and  who  have 
looked  on  death,  suffering,  and  annual  ranks  of  medical 
aspirants,  until  they  have  about  as  much  softness  of  heart 
as  the  aforesaid  preparations. 

The  first  course  of  medical  lectures  the  student  attends, 

(120) 


BEING    EXAMINED    FOR    MY    DEGREE.  121 

is  generally  distinguished  by  his  devotion  to  everything 
but  his  studies.  At  the  commencement  of  the  lectures 
he  purchases  a  blank-book,  for  the  ostensible  purpose  of 
taking  notes  of  the  lectures;  but  unwittingly  his  fingers, 
instead  of  tracing  the  chirographical  characters,  are  en- 
gaged in  caricaturing  the  professor,  who  is  endeavouring 
to  beat  into  his  and  a  few  hundred  kindred  heads,  the 
difference  between  a  dirty  Israelite  and  the  'nasty  moses 
of  an  artery.  He  devotes  the  midnight  hour  to  dissecting 
■ — pigs-feet,  grouse,  and  devilled  bones,  or  the  delicate 
structure  of  the  epicurean  oyster.  He  strengthens  his 
voice  by  making  the  short  hours  of  the  night-clad  stroet 
alive  with  the  agreeable  annunciation,  especially  to  nerv- 
ous invalids  and  sick  children,  that  he  "  will  not  go  home 
till  morning."  He  astonishes  the  professor  of  chemistry 
when  lecturing  upon  electricity,  by  placing  a  few  pounds 
of  powder  in  communication  with  the  machine,  and  blow- 
ing the  laboratory  to  atoms,  when  the  experiments  are 
going  on.  He  forms  a  pleasant  surprise  for  his  landlady 
by  slipping  into  the  dining-hall  when  the  meats  are  on 
the  table,  and  slyly  inserting  a  dead  baby,  stolen  from 
the  dissecting-room,  under  the  cover,  in  place  of  the 
abstracted  pig,  producing  a  pleasant  sensation  when  dis- 
covered, and  giving  a  good  appetite  to  the  boarders.  He 
puts  quick-lime  into  the  young  ladies'  puff-box,  and  gives 
them  a  wash  of  lunar  caustic  to  allay  the  irritation.  He 
and  the  janitor  go  halves  in  raising  game-cocks,  and  the 
expenses  of  a  whole  winter's  lectures  are  often  bet  on  a 
main.  There  is  always  some  medical  book  that  he  wishes 
to  purchase,  of  course  very  expensive — and  to  obtain 
which  he  is  always  writing  home  for  money  to  parents  oi 
guardian.  John  Smith  suffers,  and  always  appears  in  the 
police  reports,  when  the  first  course  student  is  put  in  the 
watch-house,  and  let  off  by  the  kind-hearted  mayor  next 


J 22  BEING    EXAMINED    FOR   MY   DEGREE. 

morning,  on  paying  fees  and  promising  to  amend.  To 
sum  up  the  whole,  the  first  course,  with  few  exceptions, 
conducts  himself  in  such  a  manner,  that  but  little  injus- 
tice is  done  him  when  he  is  classed  with  free  negroes, 
rowdies,  and  low-flung  draymen.  But  the  second  course 
— phew !  what  a  change  comes  over  the  fellow !  You 
would  think,  to  see  him,  that  when  he  was  born,  gravity 
and  soberness  had  given  up  the  ghost,  and  their  disem- 
bodied spirits  found  a  carnal  habitation  in  his  cranium. 

He  now  endeavours,  by  unremitting  attention,  to  retrieve 
lost  time,  and  impress  the  professors  favourably  in  his  be- 
half, for  he  is  now  a  candidate  for  graduation,  and  he 
dare  not  go  home  without  his  degree.  His  care-clad  face 
is  now  seen  on  the  foremost  bench,  listening  with  a  pain- 
ful absorption,  and  taking  voluminous  notes  in  a  book — 
not  the  only  thing  bound  in  calf-skin  in  the  room,  by  long 
odds — and  always  asks,  with  the  utmost  deference,  long 
explanations  on  some  favourite  theory  of  the  lecturer,  so 
dazzlingly  original,  that  he  did  not  perfectly  understand 
it,  so  bewildered  was  he  by  admiration.  He  smells  of 
the  dissecting-room,  and  takes  occasion,  when  in  the  pre- 
sence of  the  professor  of  anatomy,  of  jerking  out  his  hand- 
kerchief, and  with  it  the  half  cut  up  hand  of  a  subject. 
He  eschews  tobacco,  w7hiskey,  and  women,  joins  the  phy- 
siological temperance  society,  and  collects  facts  for  a  forth- 
coming work  of  the  professor  of  practice.  He  is  a  strong 
vitalist  with  "Old  Charley"  and  lies-big  with  the  Liebi- 
gian  follower  of  acids  and  alkalies.  He  presents  the  pel- 
vis of  the  female  that  obeyed  the  Lord's  ordinance  twenty- 
cix  times  in  ten  years,  to  the  professor  of  obs — ervations, 
and  has  a  faculty  of  making  himself  generally  useful  to  the 
whole  faculty.  I,  to  return  to  particularities,  had  followed 
after  the  manner  of first  coursers,  and  would  have  been  a 
fac  simile  of  the  candidate,  or  second  course  student,  had 


BEING    EXAMINED    FOR    MY   DEGREE.  123 

it  not  been  for  my  habitual  laziness,  and  perhaps  an 
overweening  confidence  in  my  natural  powers  of  impu- 
dence to  push  me  through.  I  had  had  one  or  two  fights 
the  previous  session,  in  the  college,  which  brought  me 
favourably,  of  course,  before  the  notice  of  the  faculty,  as 
a  quiet,  studious  gentleman,  and  removed  all  doubts  from 
my  mind  of  my  having  a  safe  and  honourable  passage. 
I  held  a  high  head,  but  was  confoundedly  frightened,  and 
often  wished  that  I  were  not  an  aspirant  for  the  privilege 
of  being  a  hired  assassin,  a  slayer,  without  the  victim 
having  a  chance  to  hit  back.  Many,  I  say,  were  my 
misgivings,  as  I  saw  the  ides  of  March,  the  time  for  exa- 
mination, approach,  that  my  want  of  medical  lore  might 
knock  me  higher  than  the  careen  baize  of  medicine  could 
cluster — and  yet,  never  was  poor  mortal  better  entitled  to 
write  M.D.  after  his  name  than  I,  miserable  devil  as  I 
was.  But  fear  would  not  keep  back  the  evil  day.  The 
bell  sounded  for  class  T  to  go  up  and  be  examined,  and 
away  we  went  slowly,  as  to  a  summons  for  pistols  and 
coffee  for  two,  with  feelings  resembling  those  of  a  gambler 
who  has  staked  his  whole  pile,  and  found  at  the  call  that 
he  has  been  bluffing  up  against  a  greenhorn  writh  "  three 
white  aces.'''' 

We  were  to  be  examined  in  separate  rooms ;  our  class, 
consisting  of  seven  members,  by  as  many  professors,  fif- 
teen minutes  being  allotted  to  each  professor  in  which  to 
find  out  the  qualifications  of  the  candidate. 

I  have  already  indicated  the  course  I  intended  to  pur- 
sue in  my  examination — impudence  and  assurance  was 
a  new  method  for  a  candidate,  and  might  succeed  wheiv 
the  old  plan  would  be  nearly  certain  to  fail. 

Entering  boldly,  without  knocking,  the  room  of  one  of 
the  professors,  who,  being  a  superannuated  widower, 
affected  youthfulness  very  much,  and  prided  himself  very 


124 


BEING   EXAMINED   FOR   MY    DEGREE. 


much,  like  a  Durham  stock  raiser,  on  the  beauty  of  his 
calves,  to  his  dismay  I  found  him  arranging  a  pair  of 
elaborate  false  ones,  which  showed  a  great  disposition  to 
work  around  to  the  front  of  his  spindle-shanks.  I  had 
him  dead  for  his  vote,  sure.  I  held  the  calves,  whilst  he 
adapted  them  to  their  places,  and  smoking  a  cigar  during 
his  fifteen  minutes — he  congratulated  me  upon  the  pro- 
gress, he  had  often  remarked,  I  was  making  in  my 
studies,  and  at  the  expiration  of  his  time,  as  he  conducted 
me  to  the  door,  assured  me  he  would  vote  for  me,  add- 
ing, "by-the-bye,  Tensas,  you  needn't  mention  any- 
thing about  the  calves." 

Well !  here's  one  vote,  sure  ;  would  I  had  the  other  six 
as  safe,  thought  I.  "Physiology,  where  are  you?  You 
are  wanted!"  said  I,  as  the  door  enclosed  me  with  the 
professor  of  that  branch,  who,  fortunately  for  me,  was 
what  is  called  a  vitalist — sticking  up  for  nature,  and  bit- 
terly denied  the  Liebigian  theory,  which  refers  so  many 
of  the  living  phenomena  to  chemistry.  He  and  the  pro- 
fessor of  chemistry  were  nearly  at  daggers'  points  upon 
the  subject,  and  exceedingly  excitable  whenever  it  was 
mentioned  in  their  presence.     I  knew  my  cue. 

"  Take  a  seat,  Mr.  Zensas,  you  appear  wondrous  full 
of  vivacity,"  said  the  professor,  as  I  entered,  singing  "  A 
was  an  artery,"  &c.  "Yes,  sir,  and  I  can  assure  you  it 
is  vivacity  of  the  same  kind  that  a  beneficent  Creator  ex- 
haled into  the  nostrils  of  the  first-created — life  in  the  sense 
in  which  every  reasonable  man — every  man  with  a  pro- 
per appreciation  of  the  subject — every  man  of  learning 
and  intellect,  and  physiological  acquisition,  regards  the 
vital  principle — and  not  that  degraded  vitality  of  the  Lie- 
bigian system,  which  makes  man's  assimilating  functions 
a  chemical  operation,  and  degrades  his  mighty  nature  to 
the  level  of  the  ass" — «  hideous  doctrine,"  broke  in  the 


BEING    EXAMINED    FOR    MY    DEGREE.  125 

old  professor.  "  Mr.  Tensas,  would  that  the  whole  class 
possessed  your  discriminative  wisdom ;  then  I  could  de- 
scend to  the  grave  with  the  proud  consciousness  that  man 
held  of  his  existence  the  same  exalted  opinion  that  I  have 
always  tried  to  teach  ;  then  would  I  see  this  chemical 
theory  of  life  exploded.  Theory  which  degrades  man 
lower  than  the  brutes,  makes  the  subtlest  operations  of  his 
nature  a  mere  chemical  effect,  and  the  noble  action  of  the 
lungs  a  scape-pipe  for  extra  heat;  magnificent — " 

And  the  excited  physiologist,  carried  away  by  his  feel- 
ings, burst  into  one  of  his  wildest  harangues,  battling  for 
his  favourite  theory  with  more  vigour  than  he  had  ever 
displayed  in  the  rostrum — and  there  never  had  stood  his 
superior  for  eloquence — until  a  knock  at  the  door  broke  in 
upon  his  declamatory  current  and  dammed  its  waters. 

"Bless  me!"  he  exclaimed,  rubbing  his  glasses  and 
looking  at  his  watch,  "is  my  time  out?  Why,  I  have 
done  all  the  talking.  But  go,  Mr.  Tensas,  the  views  that 
you  advocate  attest  your  qualifications.  You  may  depend 
upon  my  vote  and  influence." 

»  Two  votes  safe  !"  said  I,  as  I  regained  the  lobby,  "  and 
now  for  old  <  Roots?  as  the  professor  of  Mat.  Med. 
was  familiarly  called  by  the  class — he's  deaf,  but  thinks 
no  one  knows  it  but  himself.  I'll  talk  low,  and  he  won't 
know  whether  I  am  answering  correctly  or  not." 

"  Take  a  seat,  Mr.  Tensas.  How  are  you  to-day  ?  I 
suppose  you  are  ready  for  being  examined  ?  What  is 
calomel?"     All  this  being  said  sotto  voce. 

<■<■  A  drug,  sir,  that  may  be  called  the  right  bower  of 
quackery,  and  the  four  aces  of  medical  murder ;  referred 
to  by  Shakspeare  when  he  said,  <■  Throw  physic  to  the 
dogs,'  and  specifically  mentioned  by  him,  though  a  typo 
graphical  error  has  somewhat  obscured  it,  evidencing  its 
79 


J  26  BEING   EXAMINED    FOR    MY    DEGREE. 

antiquity  and  universal  administration  at  his  time  in  the 
lines, 
/  «  <  Be  thou  as  pure  as  ice,  as  chaste  as  snow,  thou  shalt 
I  not  escape  Calumel.'  " 

I  spoke  in  a  whisper,  but  moved  my  lips  as  if  voci- 
ferating. 

"Right,  Mr.  Tensas ;  but  you  need  not  holler  so  as  to 
alarm  the  college  ;  I  am  not  deaf.  What  is  the  usual  dose 
in  the  South?" 

"Haifa  pound  for  an  infant,  and  the  quadrature  of  the 
stomach's  circle  for  a  grown  negro!" 

"  What  are  its  specific  effects  upon  the  system  ?" 

"  The  free  use  of  coffins,  spit-boxes,  mush-and-milk, 
and  the  invention  of  new  oaths  with  which  to  curse  the 
doctor !" 

"  What  diseases  is  it  usually  given  in?" 

"  In  all,  and  some  others,  from  want  of  a  clean  shirt  to 
the  death-rattle!" 

"  Right,  sir,  right,"  said  the  examiner,  never  doubting, 
from  my  aptitude  of  reply  and  perfect  seriousness,  but 
that  they  were  to  the  point.     "  What  are  emetics  ?" 

«  Medicines,  that  a  man  who  has  dined  badly,  and 
wants  to  conceal  it,  should  never  take  !" 

"What  are  the  most  certain  ?" 

"  The  first  cigar,  the  first  quid,  or  a  spoiled  oyster!" 

"  What  is  their  action  ?" 

"  That  of  money  won  at  gambling ;  going  back  the  way 
it  came,  and  taking  a  good  deal  more  than  it  brought !" 

"  When  should  lobelia  be  given  ?" 

"  At  elections,  where  the  people  are  writing  a  man 
down  an  ass,  and  he  wants  to  be  brought-up  ahead!" 

"  What  dose  would  you  give  it  in  ?" 

"  If  the  patient  was  likely  to  leave  a  rich  widow,  I'd 
certainly  give  a  pound  !" 


BEING    EXAMINED    FOR    MY   DEGREE.  127 

"When  would  you  think  an  emetic  had  acted  suffi- 
ciently?" 

"  When  I  was  in  doubt  whether  it  was  the  patient's 
tongue  or  his  stomach  that  was  hanging  out  of  his  mouth!" 

«  What  are  purgatives  ?" 

"  Medicines,  whose  action  bears  the  same  relation  to 
that  of  emetics,  which  the  possums  did  to  the  hollow 
where  the  dog  was  waiting  to  catch  them — they  go  the 
other  way !" 

"  Suppose  your  patient  had  a  diarrhoea,  what  medicine 
would  you  give  ?" 

"  A  quart  of  brandy,  for  it  would  be  sure  to  make  him 
tight .'" 

"What  are  the  most  dangerous  preparations  of  lead?" 

"  Congressional  speeches  in  Washington,  and  buck- 
shot in  the  Southern  States!" 

"  From  what  does  hive  syrup  derive  its  name  ?" 

"  From  the  fact  of  bees  living  in  hives,  and  there  bein2; 
honey  in  it!" 

"  Right,  sir!  all  right!  You  have  answered  admirably. 
I  see  I  must  vote  for  you.  You  can  go,  sir !" — and  out  I 
went. 

"Three  votes!  Hurrah!  Two  more,  and  I'm  safe. 
Now  for  Old  Sawbones.  I'm  sure  of  him,  though ;"  for 
upon  surgery  I  was  prepared,  and  my  intimacy  with  that 
professor  assured  me  he  must  be  aware  of  it,  and  would 
attribute  the  errors  I  might  commit  to  natural  trepidation 
under  the  circumstances. 

He  was  a  man  of  too  much  good  sense  to  wheedle  or 
fool  with,  and  notwithstanding  my  confidence  in  my  good 
preparation,  and  his  appreciation  of  it,  I  anticipated  a 
terrible  time  with  him. 

My  heart  sank  as  I  entered  his  room.  "Be  seated, 
Mr.  Tensas.     Beautiful  weather  for  this  season.     Ha^e 


'.28  BEING   EXAMINED    FOR   MY    DEGREE. 

an  apple  ?  Here  is  an  instrument  for  deligating  the  sub 
clavian  artery,  that  the  maker  has  done  me  the  honour  to 
call  after  me.  How  do  you  like  it?  Think  I  must  order 
a  dozen.  Do  to  give  to  acquaintances,"  rattled  on  the 
kind-hearted  professor,  trying  to  reassure  me,  which  he 
failed  to  do,  for  I  regarded  his  pleasantry  as  somewhat 
akin  to  the  cat  sporting  with  its  victim.  "You  never 
shave,  Tensas,  I  believe?     Apropos,  how  old  are  you?" 

I  jumped  clear  out  of  my  seat  at  the  question.  The  in- 
stitution required  a  candidate  to  be  twenty-one,  which  I 
was  not,  by  several  months. 

"It's  rather  late  in  the  day  to  inquire  that,  professor," 
replied  I,  "  you  should  have  asked  that  before  I  paid  for 
your  ticket." 

"  Well,  you  are  old  enough  to  be  examined  for  your 
degree,  I  expect,  as  you'll  be  rejected,  in  all  probability. 
How  do  you  make  chicken-soup  ?" 

I  began  to  get  nettled,  thinking  he  was  sporting  with, 
me  upon  my  embarrassed  condition ;  but  a  glance  at  his 
face  told  me  he  was,  or  strongly  pretending  to  be,  in 
earnest. 

"  Professor ,"  I  said,  "  I  came  here,  sir,  to  be  exa- 
mined upon  surgery ;  not  to  be  insulted,  sir.  What 
chicken-soup  has  to  do  with  it,  I  cannot  imagine.  If  you 
are  disposed  to  twit  me  with  my  early  life  and  humble 
occupation,  I  can  assure  you,  sir — " 

"Stop!  stop!  No  insult  was  intended,  and  though 
you,  with  your  wisdom  of  almost  twenty-one  years,  can- 
not see  the  connexion  between  soup  and  surgery,  I  can 
tell  you,  young  man,  that  the  success  of  the  surgeon  de- 
pends very  much  upon  kitchen  medicine.  Good  soup  is 
easily  digested,  and  strengthens  the  patient,  but  bad  dis- 
composes, and  prevents  the  reparative  action  of  the  system. 
But  this  is  not  answering  my  question.  How  do  you,  sir, 
make  chicken  soup  ?'" 


BEING    EXAMINED    FOR    MY    DEGREE.  129 

\\  - 

Seeing  that  if  he  was  not  in  earnest,  it  was  the  best 
imitation  I  had  seen  lately,  I  vouchsafed  to  answer  the 
subtle  inquiry. 

After  I  had  concluded — "  Mr.  Tensas,  you  have  left 
out  a  very  important  item  in  the  preparation  of  your  soup: 
you  forgot  to  mention  in  the  first  instance  whether  you 
would  kill  the  chicken  or  not." 

The  glance  I  shot  at  him  was  too  much  for  his  gravity. 
Bursting  into  a  hearty  laugh,  he"  said,  "Tensas,  I  knew 
you  were  well  prepared,  but  I  thought  I  would  teach  you 
that  nothing  that  may  be  conducive  to  the  recovery  of  our 
patient,  is  too  trivial  to  be  remembered  by  the  physician — 
also  to  try  your  temper.  You  have  too  much  of  the  latter. 
The  sick-bed  is  a  fine  moderator,  however.  Go,  my  dear 
fellow,  study  hard,  and  in  ten  years  I  will  hear  from  you." 

Tears  sprung  into  my  eyes  as  I  wrung  his  hand,  and 
thanked  him,  on  leaving  his  room. 

Four  votes  safe.  One  more,  and  the  others  may  go  to 
Hellespont.  Now  for  chemistry.  "  How  do  you  do,  Mr. 
Tensas?  Be  composed,  sir.  Take  a  chair.  Happy  to 
have  the  opportunity  of  gratifying  my  chemical  curiosity 
at  your  expense.  I  expect  you  candidates  think  your  pro- 
fessors a  very  inquisitive  set  of  fellows  about  this  time. 
Ha  !  ha !      Take  a  chair,  sir." 

"  Professor ,  I  am  quite  well,  I  am  happy  to  inform 

you,  and  desirous  of  appearing  as  composed  as  possible. 
I  also  felicitate  myself  that  it  is  in  my  power  to  display 
to  you  the  fruits,  as  elaborated  in  my  mind,  of  those  elo 
quent  expositions  of  chemical  science  which  it  has  been 
my  good  fortune  to  re»ceive,  at  such  an  inadequate  remu- 
neration, from  your  lips.  Here  is  a  pamphlet,  very  de- 
nunciatory, I  am  sorry  to  announce,  of  you,  that  I  thought 
you  would  like  to  see.  It  is  by  the  professor  of  physiology, 
and  appearing  first  in  a  distant  city,  I  thought  you  might 


130  BEING    EXAMINED   FOR   MY    DEGREE. 

not  be  aware  of  its  publication ;  my  admiration  and 
friendship  for  you,  together  with  my  anxiety  for  the  pro- 
motion of  the  Liebigian  system,  led  me  to  procure  a  copy 
at  an  expense  which,  though  considerable  in  the  present 
dilapidated  condition  of  my  finances,  never  caused  the 
least  hesitation  in  its  purchase,  when  the  great  good  which 
doubtless  would  result  from  your  early  acquaintance  with 
its  pernicious  principles  was  considered." 

It  took  me  at  least  five  minutes,  in  a  slow,  monotonous, 
and  pompous  manner,  to  deliver  this,  and  only  ten  were 
left  to  the  examiner. 

"  Thank  you,  Mr.  Tensas,  thanks  for  your  kind  con- 
sideration for  myself  and  the  system  I  am  proud  to  advo- 
cate, even  though  it  be  through  detraction  and  vituperation. 
I  will  examine  it  at  my  leisure — we  have  now  other  busi- 
ness before  us.  Give  me  an  exposition,  Mr.  Tensas,  of 
the  Atomic  or  Daltonian  theory." 

Down  below  zero  went  my  hitherto  buoyant  spirits — 
my  scheme  had  failed — I  am  gone,  thought  I,  when  up 
my  heart  bounded  again  as  he  interrupted  me  with,  »  Ah  ! 
how  did  you  say  you  obtained  this  atrocious  publication  ? 
Mr.  Tensas,  that  gentleman,  the  author,  is  doing  a  great 
and  irremediable  injury  to  the  cause  of  truth  and  scien- 
tific controversy.  In  arguing  with  a  man  of  philosophical- 
pretensions,  it  is  to  be  expected  that  he  will  combat  only 
those  principles  which" — and  in  a  tone  of  grieved  and 
wounded  innocence,  not  giving  me  an  opportunity  of 
giving  him  the  required  exposition  of  the  Atomic  or  Dal- 
tonian theory,  which  I  very  much  regretted,  the  professor 
concluded  the  time  allotted  him  for  examination,  saying, 
as  I  bid  him  adieu,  "  Mr.  Tensas,  I  shall  be  happy  +o  see 
you  at  my  house  to-night ;  you  may  rest  assured  of  my 
vote."  I  stood  in  the  lobby  with  perfect  ease,  confident 
that  in  having  five  votes  out  of  the  seven — three  being  re- 


STEALING    A    BABY.  131 

quired  to  reject — I  was  soon  to  be  dubbed  Doctor  of 
Medicine.  The  examinations  of  the  other  two  professors 
I  got  through  with  very  summarily,  fainting  away  before 
one,  and  occupying  the  fifteen  minutes  to  restore  me,  and 
before  the  other,  being  seized  with  a  violent  bleeding  at  my 
nose  ;  but  in  justification  of  my  own  honour,  I  must  state 
that  the  representations  by  the  rest  of  the  faculty  of 
the  splendid  examination  I  had  passed  before  them,  in- 
fluenced their  votes,  and  I  obtained  all ;  and,  at  the  ap- 
pointed time,  received  my  degree,  and  a  square  yard  of 
sheepskin,  as  an  attestation  of  the  progress  I  had  made  in 
medicine,  giving  me  a  free  permit  to  kill  whom  I  pleased 
without  the  fear  of  the  law. 


STEALING  A  BABY. 

I  never  was  partial  to  dogs  (although  I  dined  some 
years  ago  very  heartily  upon  the  haunch  of  one,  that  a 
rascally  Indian  sold  to  the  family  for  venison — the  scoun- 
drel's back  gave  proof  not  long  after,  that  it,  to  him  at 
least,  was  really  dear  meat) ;  they  have  always  been  my 
aversion,  and  the  antipathy  of  my  earlier  years  has  not 
been  in  the  least  diminished  by  the  part  one  took — not 
only  out  of  my  leg — but  in  breaking  off  as  pretty  a  love- 
scrape  as  ever  Cupid  rejoiced  at. 

I  was  attending  my  last  course  of  lectures,  previous  to 
graduation,  in  a  northern  state,  and  as  a  matter  of  course 
had  but  very  little  leisure  to  devote  to  amusement  or  love. 
But  nevertheless,  even  amidst  all  my  occupation,  I  found 
time  to  renew  and  continue  a  friendship  bordering  closely 


132  STEALING    A    BABY. 

upon  love,  even  then,  which  I  had  formed  the  previous 
winter,  with  a  young  lady  residing  in  the  city. 

We  were  both  young — alas !  that  there  similarity  ceased 
— she  was  beautiful — my  ugliness  was  so  apparent  that 
I  acknowledged  it  myself.  She  was  wealthy — I  had  no- 
thing but  my  profession,  it  not  then  secure.  She  was — • 
bat  why  continue  the  enumeration  of  our  contrasts?  suffice 
it  to  say  that  we  were  fast  approaching  the  condition  when 
love  in  a  cottage,  and  thoughts  of  an  annual  searching  for 
sentimental  and  beautiful  names  occupy  so  much  of  the 
mind,  when  an  infernal  dog  (not  only  of  a  daddy — but 
a  real  caniner)  jumped — like  a  swamp  gal  into  a  jar  of 
pickles — into  the  ring  of  our  felicity,  and  left  me  to  wail 
him  first,  and  myself  afterwards. 

I  hated  dogs,  and  the  father  of  my  beloved  had  an 
equal  aversion  to  Southerners,  and  according  to  the  degree 
that  class  stood  in  his  estimation,  the  old  man  and  myself 
disliked  the  same  objects;  so  his  daughter  and  myself  had 
to  meet  by  stealth. 

Twice  a  week  the  class  of  medical  students  attended 
clinical  lectures  at  the  hospital,  which  was  situated  in  a 
retired  part  of  the  town ;  thither  the  young  lady,  on  the 
appointed  evenings,  would  repair,  and  awaiting  the  de- 
parture of  the  class,  we,  on  our  walk  homewards,  could 
talk  over  our  love  affairs  without  fear  or  interruption. 

This  pleasant  arrangement  had  continued  until  nearly 
the  close  of  the  session,  and  we  had  agreed  that  when 
graduated,  if  her  father's  obduracy  did  not  soften,  we 
would  elope,  when  some  good-natured  friend  kindly  in- 
formed her  father  of  our  intimacy,  and  that  even  as  he 
came  then  to  apprise  him,  he  had  met  her  going  to  keep 
her  appointment. 

Highly  incensed,  the  old  man  started  off  to  pursue  her, 
out  unfortunately  did  not  arrive  to  prevent,  but  only  wit- 


STEALING    A    BABY.  133 

ness  an  occurrence  which  attracted  considerable  attention 
at  the  time.  Anatomy  has  been  ever  with  me  a  favourite 
branch  of  my  profession  ;  and  when  a  student,  I  never  let 
slip  an  opportunity,  time  and  material  permitting,  to  im- 
prove myself  in  it  by  dissection.  It  was  a  passion  with  me ; 
and  whenever  I  met  with  a  person  extremely  emaciated 
or  finely  developed,  my  anatomical  eye  would  scan  their 
proportions,  and  instead  of  paying  them  the  usual  courte- 
sies of  life,  I  would  be  thinking  what  glorious  subjects 
they  would  be  for  museum  preparations  or  dissection ;  and 
even  when  my  audacious  lips  were  stealing  a  kiss  from 
the  pulpy  mouth  of  my  lady-love,  instead  of  floating  into 
ecstasies  of  delight,  my  anatomical  mind  would  wonder 
whether,  even  in  death,  electricity,  by  some  peculiar 
adaptation,  might  not  be  able  to  continue  their  bewitching 
suction.  When  holding  her  soft  hand  in  mine,  and  gazing 
into  the  star- lit  ocean  of  her  soul,  I  would  wonder  if  there 
was  not  some  peculiarity  in  the  formation  of  her  optic  nerve 
which  gave  her  eyes  such  brilliancy.  My  poetical  rhapso- 
dies were  mingled  with  scraps  of  anatomy,  and  in  attempt- 
ing to  write  her  some  verses,  after  writing  the  first  line, 

"  The  clouds  which  clothed  yon  beauteous  shore  with  garments 
dark  and  hazy" — 

to  save  me,  the  nearest  approximation  I  could  make  to  a 
rhyme,  was; 

':  Pray  use  with  me  not  the  c  levator  labii  superioris  alaque  nasi.'1 " 

To  tell  the  truth,  I  was  becoming  clean  daft  upon  the 
subject,  and  consumptive  people  and  orphan  children 
began  to  look  on  me  with  suspicion,  but  Lucy  attributed 
my  conduct  to  the  eccentricities  of  genius  and  love. 

Connected  with  the  hospital  the  class  attended  was  a 
dead-house,  as  is  usual  in  such  establishments,  where 
such  patients  whose  constitutions  are  not  strong  enough 


134  STEALING    A    BABY. 

to  stand  the  treatment,  are  deposited  after  death  for  forty- 
eight  hours,  in  order  that  their  friends  may  reclaim  their 
bodies.  The  morgue,  in  this  institution,  was  directly 
under  the  lecture  room,  but,  as  the  door  was  kept  locked, 
it  was  regarded  as  sufficiently  private. 

On  the  day  when  my  intended  father-in-law  was  made 
acquainted  with  the  clandestine  meetings  of  his  daughter 
and  myself,  I  had,  as  usual,  accompanied  the  class  to  the 
hospital,  and,  during  the  delivering  of  the  lecture,  be- 
coming suddenly  very  faint,  I  was  forced  to  leave  the 
crowded  room  and  seek  the  fresh  air. 

As  I  passed  the  door  of  the  dead-house  on  my  return,  I 
noticed  that  it  was  ajar,  and  curiosity  prompting  me  to 
see  what  was  within,  I  pushed  it  open  and  entered, 
closing  it  behind  me.  There  were  several  bodies,  male 
and  female,  cleanly  arrayed  upon  the  table  ;  but  the  object 
that  attracted  my  attention  the  most  was  an  infant  a  few 
weeks  old  lying  by  the  side  of  its  dead  mother;  they  were 
both  so  black  in  the  face  that  I  would  have  suspected 
foul  play,  had  it  not  been  accounted  for  by  the  fact  that 
they  were  negroes.  I  strove  to  depart,  but  something 
formed  a  bond  of  association  between  that  dead  nigger 
baby  and  myself,  which  held  me  to  my  place,  my  gaze 
riveted  upon  it. 

I  wanted  just  such  a  subject — one  I  could  carry  up  in 
my  private  room  and  dissect  whilst  I  was  waiting  for  my 
meals — something  to  wile  away  my  tedious  hours  with — 
but  how  to  get  it  was  the  thing ;  the  rules  of  the  college 
and  hospital  were  imperative,  and  I  did  not  wish  to  be 
expelled.  I  could  not  beg,  borrow,  or  buy — there  was 
but  one  way  left,  and  that  was  stealing. 

The  plan  was  simple  and  easily  arranged.  It  was  very 
cold  weather,  and  under  the  ample  folds  of  my  cloak  the 
baby  would  be  concealed  effectually. 


STEALING    A    BABY.  135 

Separating  it  from  its  dead  mother's  embrace,  I  rolled 
it,  tenderly  as  if  alive,  into  as  small  a  space  as  possible, 
and  tying  it  up  in  my  handkerchief,  I  placed  it  under  my 
cloak,  and  left  the  dead-house. 

Had  I  left  immediately  for  home,  on  the  baby's  absence 
being  discovered  I  would  have  been  suspected  immedi- 
ately; so,  great  as  was  the  danger,  I  had  no  other  resource 
than  to  return  to  the  lecture-room,  and  await  our  regular 
dismissal,  running  the  chances  of  detection.  No  one,  on 
looking  at  me  then,  would  have  accused  me  of  feigning 
sickness ;  for,  manfully  as  I  strove  to  be  composed,  the 
danger  of  discovery  unnerved  me  completely,  and  gave 
me  such  a  tremor  as  would  have  passed  for  a  creditable 
ague. 

I  have  been  often  enough  in  imminent  danger  of  my 
life,  to  know  what  cold  sweat  and  minutes  appearing  hours 
are  ;  but  the  longest  life,  in  the  shortest  space  of  time  I 
ever  led,  was  when,  in  the  midst  of  four  hundred  students, 
I  sat  on  those  hard  old  benches,  with  the  dead  nigger 
baby  under  my  cloak,  waiting  for  the  lecture  to  conclude. 

It  had  its  end  at  last ;  and,  waiting  till  the  class  had 
pretty  well  dispersed,  I  sauntered  slowly  away  towards 
my  boarding-house,  hoping  that  the  inclemency  of  the 
weather  had  kept  Lucy  from  keeping  our  usual  appoint- 
ment. 

A  sleety  rain  had  fallen  the  preceding  night,  and,  like 
Mrs.  Blennerhasset's  tears,  freezing  as  it  fell,  had  covered 
the  pavement  with  a  thin  coat  of  ice,  making  the  walking 
for  pedestrians  very  insecure. 

Surely,  I  thought,  as  a  keen  gust  came  round  the  cor- 
ner, piercing  my  marrow  with  its  coldness,  her  tende* 
frame  will  not  be  exposed  on  such  a  day  as  this !  'tis  a 
good  thing,  too ;  for  she  would  be  horrified  if  she  found 
what  my  burden  was; — when  her  smiling  face,  with  her 


136  STEALING    A    BABY. 

beautiful  nose  red  as  an  inflamed  eye,  appeared,  and 
told  me  I  did  not  possess  a  proper  appreciation  of  the 
strength  of  a  Kentucky  gal's  affection. 

Somewhat  vexed,  and,  for  the  first  time  in  my  life,  sorry 
to  see  her,  I  wished  her  (as  it  was  so  cold)  in  the  hottest 
place  I  knew  of;  but  dissembling  my  feelings,  I  vowed, 
when  she  came  up,  that  if  I  had  received  the  appointment 
of  surgeon-general  to  the  angels,  it  could  not  give  me 
more  pleasure  than  to  see  her  then.  I  appeared  as  un- 
concerned as  I  could,  and  sedulously  talked  to  her  of 
such  things  as  are  very  interesting  to  lovers  and  old  maids, 
but  deuced  tiresome  to  all  other  parties  concerned. 

We  had  nearly  reached  the  street  corner  where  we 
usually  parted,  wdien,  horror  of  horrors !  who  should  we  see 
coming  round  the  identical  corner  but  the  lady's  father, 
accompanied  by  a  man  that  bore  a  marvellous  resemblance 
to  the  city  marshal ! 

Instead  of  fainting,  Lucy  uttered  a  stifled  shriek,  and 
gritting  her  teeth  dragged  me  into  a  house,  the  door  of 
which  stood  invitingly  open  ;  one  step  more,  and  if  Fate 
had  not  been  against  me,  these  pages  would  never  have 
been  written,  that  baby  would  have  been  anatomized, 
and  in  all  probability,  instead  of  being  an  old  rusty  swamp 
doctor,  "  caring  a  cuss  for  nobody,  nobody  caring  for 
me,"  I  would  have  been  the  happy  head  of  a  family,  and, 
rolling  in  my  carriage,  describe  the  great  operation  of  ex- 
tracting two  jaw-teeth,  I  saw  performed  the  last  time  I 
was  in  Paris.  But  the  beautiful  hath  departed,  and  never 
was. 

A  growl,  a  loud  yell,  bow!  wow!  wow!  apd  with 
mouth  distended  like  an  alligator  catching  his  dessert  of 
flies,  a  huge  bull  dog  sprang  at  us,  placing  us  in  rather  a 
dilemma;  it  was  the  dog  of  a  daddy  on  one  hand,  and 
the  daddy  of  a  dog  on  the  other. 


STEALING    A    BABY.  137 

Unlike  Miss  Ullin,  who  preferred  meeting  the  raging  of 
the  skies  to  an  angry  father,  embarked  in  a  skiff  and  got 
drowned,  I  preferred  an  angry  father  to  a  mad  bull  dog ; 
so  seizing  Lucy,  I  made  a  spring  backwards,  forgetting 
in  my  haste  the  slippery  pavement ;  our  feet  flew  up,  and 
down  we  came  in  the  open  street,  cross  and  pile,  our 
inferior  extremities  considerably  intermingled,  and  her 
ankles  not  as  well  protected  from  the  heat  as  they  might 
have  been. 

My  cloak  flew  open  as  I  fell,  and  the  force  of  the  fall 
bursting  its  envelope,  out,  in  all  its  hideous  realities,  rolled 
the  infernal  imp  of  darkness  upon  the  gaze  of  the  laugh- 
ing, but  now  horrified  spectators. 

The  old  man  had  witnessed  the  whole  scene  ;  spring- 
ing to  my  feet,  I  assisted  the  lady  to  rise,  and  handed  her 
over  to  her  father.  As  he  disappeared  with  her  round  the 
corner,  I  volunteered  to  whip  the  crowd,  individually  or 
collectively,  but  nobody  seemed  disposed  to  accept  of  my 
services.  Picking  up  my  baby,  I  explained  the  whole  to 
a  constable  who  was  on  the  point  of  arresting  me  for 
child-murder. 

I  sent  the  subject  back  to  the  dead-room,  and  came  as 
near  being  expelled  from  college  as  ever  a  lover  of  know- 
ledge did,  to  miss  it.  I  have  never  seen  Lucy  since,  and 
my  haggard  features  and  buttonless  coat  testify  that  the 
swamp  doctor  is  still  a  bachelor. 


THE  "SWAMP  DOCTOR"  TO  ESCULAPIUS. 

Behold  me,  then,  who  late  was  a  city  physician  of  a 
week's  duration,  a  veritable  "  Swamp  Doctor,"  settled 
down  quietly,  far  from  the  blandishments  of  fashionable 
life,  and  awaiting,  as  when  in  town,  though  with  not  half 
of  my  then  anxiety,  the  «'  first  call." 

A  veritable  "  Swamp  Doctor,"  to  whom  French  boots 
and  broadcloth  must  be  obsolete  ideas;  the  honest  squat- 
ters thinking — and  with  propriety  too — that  a  doctor  who 
could  put  broadcloth  over  their  stiles,  must  have  to  charge 
very  high  to  support  such  extravagance.  A  charge  to 
which'  it  is  almost  fatal  for  a  doctor  to  lay  himself 
liable  to. 

A  pair  of  coarse  mud  boots  enclose  my  feet ;  copperas- 
coloured  linsey  pants  occupy  their  proper  position ;  a 
gaudy  plaid  vest  with  enormous  jet  buttons,  blanket-coat 
and  cap,  complete  the  equipment  of  my  outer  man.  Allow 
me  to  introduce  you  to.  my  horse ;  for  Charley  occupies 
in  my  mind  too  large  a  space  to  be  passed  over  silently 
when  the  "  Swamp  Doctor"  is  being  described.  Too 
poor  to  own  but  one,  he  has  to  perform  the  labour  of 
several,  which  the  fine  blood  that  courses  through  his 
veins  easily  enables  him  to  do;  like  his  master,  his  ex- 
ternal appearance  is  rather  unprepossessing ;  but  would 
that  thy  master,  Charley,  possessed  thy  integral  virtues! 
High-spirited  art  thou,  old  friend — for  age  is  touching 
thee,  Charles,  though  thou  givest  no  indication  of  it,  save 
in  the  lock  of  gray  which  overhangs  thy  flashing  eyes. 
Tall  in  thy  proportions,  gaunt  in  thy  outline,  sorrel  in  thy 

(138) 


THE    "SWAMP   DOCTOR"    TO    ESCULAPIUS.  139 

hue,  thou  hast  proved  to  me,  Charles,  that  there  is  other 
friendship  and  companioning  besides  human  kind ;  thou 
nast  shared  my  lowly  lot  for  many  years,  Charles — toge- 
ther we  have  passed  the  lonely  night,  lost  in  the  swamp — 
breasted  many  an  angry  stream,  and  given  light  to  many 
darksome  hearts,  when  fever-stricken  they  awaited  my 
coming,  and  heard  thy  joyous  neigh  and  eager  bound.  I 
did  not  know  thy  good  qualities,  Charles,  when  first  I 
bought  thee,  but  the  years  that  have  wasted  away  have 
taught  thy  true  worth,  and  made  me  respect  thee  as  a 
man.  But  I  must  return,  Charles,  to  when  we  first  took 
up  our  home*  within  the  "  swamp." 

My  residence  is  as  humble  as  my  pretensions  or  my 
dress,  being  composed  of  split  trees,  and  known  in  Ame- 
rican parlance  as  a  "  log  cabin." 

A  lazy  sluggish  « bayou1'' — as  all  the  small  water- 
courses in  this  country  are  Frenchifically  termed — glory- 
ing in  the  name  of  the  '« Tensas,"  runs,  or  rather  creeps, 
by  the  door,  before  which — on  the  margin  of  the  stream — 
stands  one  of  those  grand  alluvial  oaks  which  could 
canopy  an  army. 

The  day  is  rather  sultry;  a  soft  wind  is  moving  its 
branches,  on  the  topmost  one  of  which  is  perched  a  mock- 
ing-bird ;  how  wildly  he  carols,  how  blithesome  his  every 
movement!  Happy  fellow!  the  barn-yard,  the  ploughed 
ground,  the  berry-laden  tree,  all  furnish  him  with  food. 
Nature  clothes  him  annually,  and  the  leafy  branch  be 
neath  shields  him  from  the  cold,  when  clouds  and  dark 
ness  gather  around.  Happy  fellow !  he  can  sing  with 
a  light  heart;  his  wants  are  few,  and  easily  supplied. 
Would  that  the  "  Swamp  Doctor"  had  as  little  care  press- 
ing upon  him,  that  he  might  join  you  in  your  song  ;  would 
that  his  necessities  were  as  few  and  as  readily  provided 
for!   Then,  too,  he  could  mock  at  the  world,  then,  too,  sing 


140  THE    «  SWAMP    DOCTOR"    TO    ESCULAP1US. 

like  thine  a  joyous  strain;  but  poverty,  youthfulness,  the 
stranger's  want  of  loving  sympathy,  chill  the  rising  ardour 
of  his  song,  and  fling  him  back  upon  the  cold  wave  of 
the  world. 

But  away,  care,  for  the  present !  away,  forebodings  of 
the  future  !  Be  as  in  former  days,  Swamp  Doctor,  joyful 
at  heart — thou  hast  sung  in  strains  as  wild  as  that  winsome 
bird's !  Let  the  harmony  that  pervades  the  air  paint  for 
thee  the  future  ;  and  of  bygones,  "let  the  dead  Past  bury 
its  dead!" 

Thou  hast  sung,  Swamp  Doctor!  Then  tune  afresh 
thy  harp,  and  give  one  strain  before  thy  "  first  call"  shall 
still  with  its  responsibilities  thy  harp,  and  clothe  with 
sober  seriousness  thy  youthful  heart. 

Sayest  thou  so,  fair  bird  ?  then  will  I  obey.  My  seat 
is  beneath  thy  oak — thine  I  call  it,  for  early  residence 
hath  given  thee  a  pre-emption  to  it,  surely — thy  song  is 
pouring  through  my  heart,  the  wave  at  my  feet  is  glisten- 
ing in  the  morning  sun,  the  soft  branches  overhead  rustle 
and  mingle  in  joyful  greenness,  yet  I  cannot  sing  of  these 
fair  scenes ;  not  of  them  can  be  the  burden  of  my  song. 
Manhood  had  not  set  its  seal  upon  my  form ;  yet  not  fifty 
holds  an  older  heart  than  beats  within  my  breast.  In 
despite  of  myself  my  thoughts  are  with  my  calling,  with 
the  sick  and  suffering  who  are  yet  to  cast  their  eyes  upon 
my  face,  and  from  it  draw  their  bright  hope  or  withering 
despair.  What,  then,  so  proper,  since  sing  I  must,  as 
b)  eathing  a  soft  prayer  to  the  patron  saint  of  the  healing 
art,  and  invoking  his  assistance  in  my  future  course  ? 

THE    SWAMP    DOCTOR    TO    ESCULAPIUS. 

Wrapt  in  the  gloom  of  Superstition's  age, 
The  trade  of  Chance  and  men  of  low  degree, 


THE    "  SWAMP    DOCTOR"    TO    ESCULAPIUS.  14? 

Long  lay  the  Art  which  teaches  to  assuage 
The  many  pangs  that  mankind  heirs,  to  be, 

The  Art  which  stills  the  maniac's  fiery  rage, 
And  bids  the  horrors  of  his  vision  flee  ; 

Which  soothes  the  pain  its  power  cannot  destroy. 

And  whispers  hope,  when  hearts  are  reft  of  joy. 

A  Star  arose  amidst  the  heaven  of  gloom, 
Which  bended  o'er  this  glorious  Art  divine  ; 

It  nobly  strove  the  darkness  to  illume, 

And  place  the  Science  on  its  proper  shrine. 

It  shrank  not  from  the  strife,  but  dared  the  doom 
That  meets  full  oft  the  soul  of  high,  design  : 

It  'scaped  this  lot,  was  victor  loud  proclaimed, 

And  Esculapius  with  the  gods  was  named. 

Years  have  grown  old,  and  Time's  relentless  hand 
Has  fallen  on  many  a  head  of  regal  pride ; 

Full  many  a  warrior  born  to  use  command 

Has  kiss'd  the  grave — that  dark  repulsive  bride  ; 

And  many  an  arch  whose  fair  proportions  spanned 
The  heaving  wave,  has  sunk  beneath  the  tide  ; 

Earth's  mightiest  things  have  triumphed  over  night, 

Gleamed  forth  in  splendour,  then  been  lost  to  sight. 

But  not  so  thou  ;  for  thou  hast  never  known 
What  'twas  to  feel  the  waning  love  of  them, 

Who,  once  enchanted,  drink  in  every  tone, 
Yet  let  Time  chant  their  worship's  requiem  ; 

Forget  how  praises  from  their  lips  have  flown, 
And  eager  seek  for  matter  to  condemn  : 

None  such  thy  friends — they  prove  with  deed  and  heart 

That  Friendship  is  of  Death  a  thing  apart. 
80 


142  THE    "SWAMP   DOCTOR"    TO    ESCULAPIUS. 

Oh !  Patron  Saint,  sure  thine's  a  brilliant  doom ! 

We  judge  the  future  by  the  seasons  past, 
And  judging  thus,  eternity  will  loom 

Upon  Creation  ere  thy  name  is  classed 
Among  the  things  that  were.     Thou  hast  no  tomb, 

Time  cannot  say  thy  glory  shall  not  last, 
For  it  has  mocked  him  from  his  earliest  years 
And  as  he  darkens,  still  more  bright  appears. 

Look  on  me,  Patron  Saint,  with  glance  benign ! 

An  humble  follower,  I  bend  the  knee, 
And  pray  thy  knowledge's  light  may  on  me  shine 

In  all  its  splendour  and  intensity ! 
So  when  in  death  my  icy  limbs  recline, 

My  name  lik'st  thine  may  long  remembered  be 
As  one  who  sought  the  useful  to  pursue, 
And  ease  the  pangs  his  fellow-mortals  knew. 

Yes,  let  them  write  upon  my  lowly  grave : 
"A  true  Philanthropist  is  sleeping  here  !'" 

And  I  no  other  recompense  will  crave 

To  cheer  me  onward  in  my  future  sphere. 

Such  epitaph  as  that  in  truth  to  have 

Were  worth  all  wealth  that  man  amasses  here. 

High  Heaven! — Mock-Bird,  the  rest  must  stay  unwrit! 

"  Come,  quick.  Mass'  Doctor,  ole  Missus  got  a  fit!" 


MY  FIRST  CALL  IN  THE  SWAMP. 

"  Come  quick,  Mass'  Doctor !  ole  missus  got  a  fit !" 
aroused  me  from  my  poetical  revery,  and  brought  the  in- 
vocation to  Esculapius  to  an  abrupt  termination. 

I  was  just  apostrophizing  "  High  Heaven"  when  the 
voice  outspoke ;  laughing  at  the  ludicrous  transition  of 
sounds  and  ideas,  I  rolled  up  my  manuscript  and  turned  to 
take  a  survey  of  the  speaker. 

He  presented  nothing  remarkable  in  his  appearance, 
being  only  a  negro  messenger,  belonging  to  a  small  planter 
living  at  the  extremity  of  what  I  regarded  as  my  legiti- 
mate circuit  of  practice ;  from  the  appearance  of  the  mule 
he  bestrode,  he  had  evidently  ridden  in  great  haste. 

Perceiving  me  to  be  laughing,  and  not  knowing  of  any- 
thing in  his  annunciation  to  create  mirth,  he  thought  I  had 
not  heard  him  when  he  first  spoke,  and  therefore  repeated, 
"  Come  quick,  Mass'  Doctor !  ole  missus  got  a  fit,  an'  ] 
'spec  is  monstrus  low,  for  as  I  cum  by  de  lot,  I  hear  Mass' 
Bill  holler  to  Mass'  Bob,  and  tell  him,  arter  he  got  dun 
knockin'  de  horns  off  de  young  bull,  to  cum  in  de  house 
an'  see  his  gran'-mammy  die."  But  still  I  laughed  on — 
there  was  such  'an  odd  mingling  of  poetry,  Esculapius, 
missus,  fit,  Mass'  Bob,  and  knocking  the  horn  off  the  young 
bull,  as  to  strike  full  my  bump  of  the  ludicrous,  and  the 
negro,  sitting  on  his  little  crop-eared  mule,  gazed  at  me  in 
perfect  astonishment,  as  a  monument  of  unfeelingness. 

Suddenly  the  recollection  that  this  was  my  "  first  call," 

(143) 


144  MY   FIRST   CALL    IN    THE    SWAMP. 

came  over  and  sobered  me  in  a  second  ;  my  profession, 
with  all  its  sober  realities  and  responsibilities,  was  again 
triumphant,  and  I  stood  a  serious  "  Swamp  Doctor." 

Ordering  a  servant  to  catch  my  horse,  I  began  to  pre- 
pare for  the  ride,  by  questioning  the  negro  as  to  the  nature 
of  the  disease,  age  of  the  patient,  and  other  circumstances 
of  the  case,  that  might  enable  me  to  carry  medicines  along 
suitable  to  the  occasion,  as  my  saddlebags  were  of  limited 
capacity,  and  none  of  the  people  kept  medicines  at  home, 
except  a  few  of  the  simplest  nature. 

"  You  say  your  mistress  has  fits !  Does  she  have  them 
often?"  The  object  of  my  inquiries  will  be  apparent  to 
the  professional  reader. 

"  Not  as  I  nose  on,  Mass'  Doctor,  although  I  did  hearn 
her  say  when  she  lived  in  Georgy,  she  was  monstrus  nar- 
vus-like  at  de  full  of  de  moon." 

"  How  old  is  your  mistress  ?  do  you  know,  boy  ?" 

"  How  ole !  why,  Mass'  Doctor,  she's  a  bobbullushunary 
suspensioner,  an'  her  hare  is  grayer  dan  a  'possum's.  Ole 
missus  ole  for  a  fak  !" 

"  Has  anything  happened  lately  that  could  have  given 
your  mistress  the  fit?" 

"  Nuffin',  Mass'  doctor,  as  I  nose  on,  'cept  pr'aps  day 
'fore  yisterday  night  ole  missus  private  jug  guv  out,  an' 
she  tole  wun  of  de  boys  to  go  in  de  smoke-house  and  draw 
him  full ;  de  fule  chile  stuck  de  lite  tu  nere  de  baril,  de 
whiskey  cotch,  an'  sich  a  'sploshun  never  war  herd  as  de 
ole  smoke-house  guvin'  up  de  goast !" 

"  Your  old  mistress  drinks  whiskey,  then,  and  has  been 
without  any  two  days  ?" 

"  Yes,  Mass'  doctor,  an'"I  'spec  it's  that  what's  usen  her 
ip,  for  she'd  sorter  got  'customed  to  de  '  stranger.'  " 

I  had  learned  enough  of  the  case  to  give  me  a  suspicion 


MY    FIRST    CALL    IN    THE    SWAMP.  145 

of  (he  Jisease ;  the  verification  must  be  deferred  until  I 
saw  the  patient. 

She  being  very  old,  nervous,  and  excitable,  accustomed 
to  alcoholic  stimulation,  suddenly  deprived  of  her  usual 
beverage,  and  brought  under  the  depressory  influences  of 
losing  her  smoke-house  and  barrel  of  whiskey,  was  suffi- 
cient cause  to  produce  a  case  of  disease  formed  by  an 
amalgamation  of  sub-hysteria  and  quasi  delirium  tremens ; 
a  not  very  flattering  diagnosis,  considered  in  a  moral  point 
of  view,  to  the  old  lady,  whose  acquaintance  I  was  yet  to 
make.  Knowing  how  much  depended  upon  the  success 
with  which  I  treated  my  first  cases,  it  was  unnecessary  to 
give  me  a  serious  and  reflective  air,  that  I  should  remem- 
ber how  much  people  judged  from  appearances,  and  that 
mine  were  anything  but  indicative  of  the  doctor ;  whiskers 
or  beard  had  I  none,  and  even  when  wearing  the  most 
sober  mask,  a  smile  would  lurk  at  the  corner  of  my  mouth, 
eager  to  expand  into  a  laugh. 

But  I  must  start.  Labelling  a  bottle  of  brandy  "  Ar- 
kansas Fitifuge,"  I  slipped  it  in  my  pocket,  and  mounting 
my  horse,  set  off  upon  the  fulfilment  of  my  "first  call." 

When  we  reached  the  house,  my  horse  reeking  with 
sweat,  from  the  haste  with  which  we  had  traversed  the 
muddy  roads,  I  introduced  myself,  as  I  had  never  seen 
one  of  the  family  before,  nor  they  me — as  Doctor  Tensas, 
and  required  to  be  shown  the  patient.  I  saw  from  the 
countenances  of  the  assembly,  which  was  more  numerous 
than  I  had  expected  to  find,  that  they  were  disappointed  in 
the  appearance  of  the  new  doctor,  and  that  my  unstriking 
and  youthful  visage  was  working  fatally  against  me.  In 
fact,  as  I  approached  the  bed,  which  was  surrounded  with 
women,  I   heard   one    old    crone   remark   "  sotto   voce" 

"  Blessed  J s!  is  that  thing  a  doctor?  why,  his  face's 

as  smooth  as  an  eggshell,  an'  my  son  John  'peers  a  heap 


146  MY   FIRST   CALL   IN    THE    SWAMP. 

older  than  him,  an'  he's  only  been  pupped  ateen  years ; 
grashus  nose  sich  a  young  lookin'  critter  as  that  shuddent 
gin  me  doctor's  truck ;  he  can't  have  'sperience,  but  sens 
he's  here  we'll  have  to  let  him  go  on  ;  half  a  'pology  is 
better  'an  no  commisseration  in  an  aggervated  insult." 

Paying  no  attention  to  her  depreciatory  remarks,  but 
determined  to  show  them  that  I  knew  a  thing  or  two,  I 
commenced  examining  the  patient. 

Had  I  not  been  prepared  by  the  negro's  description,  I 
would  have  been  surprised  at  the  example  of  longevity  in 
that  insalubrious  country  which  the  invalid  presented. 
Judging  from  external  appearances,  she  must  have  had  the 
opportunity  of  doing  an  immensity  of  talking  in  her  time ; 
her  hair  was  whiter  than  the  inside  of  a  persimmon  seed, 
and  the  skin  upon  her  face  resembled  a  piece  of  corrugated 
and  smoky  parchment,  more  than  human  cuticle ;  it  clove 
tightly  to  the  bones,  bringing  out  all  their  prominencies, 
and  showing  the  course  of  the  arteries  and  veins  beneath ; 
her  mouth  was  partly  open,  and  on  looking  in  I  saw  not 
the  vestige  of  a  tooth ;  the  great  dentist,  Time,  had  suc- 
ceeded in  extracting  the  last.  She  would  lie  very  quietly 
in  a  dull  comatose  condition  for  a  few  moments,  and  then 
giving  a  loud  screech,  attempt  to  rub.  her  stomach  against 
the  rafters  of  the  cabin,  mumbling  out  something  about 
"Whiskey  spilt — smoke-house  ruined — and  Gineral  Jack- 
son fit  the  Injuns — and  she  haddent  the  histericks !'"  re- 
quiring the  united  strength  of  several  of  the  women  to  keep 
her  on  the  bed. 

The  examination  verified  my  suspicion  as  to  the  nature 
of  the  disease,  but  I  had  too  much  knowledge  of  human 
nature  to  give  the  least  intimation  to  the  females  of  my 
real  opinion.  I  had  been  told  by  an  old  practitioner  of 
medicine,  "  if  you  wish  to  ruin  yourself  in  the  estimation 
of  your  female  patients,  hint  that   the  disease  they  are 


MY    FIRST    CALL    IN    THE    SWAMP.  147 

labouring  under  is  connected  with  hysterics:"  what  little 
knowledge  I  had  acquired  of  the  sex  during  my  student 
life  went  to  confirm  his  observations.  But  if  the  mere  in- 
timation of  hysteria  produced  such  an  effect,  what  would 
the  positive  pronouncing  that  it  was  not  only  hysterics 
but  a  touch  of  drunken  mania  ?  I  had  not  courage  to  cal- 
culate upon  such  a  subject,  but  hastily  dismissed  it.  Pro- 
nouncing that  she  had  fits,  sure  enough,  I  commenced  the 
treatment.  Brandy  and  opium  were  the  remedies  indicated  ; 
I  administered  them  freely  at  half-hour  intervals,  with 
marked  benefit,  and  towards  midnight  she  fell  into  a  gentle 
slumber.  As  I  heard  her  quiet  breathing,  and  saw  the 
rise  and  fall  of  her  bosom  in  regular  succession,  indicating 
that  the  disease  was  yielding  to  my  remedies,  a  gleam  of 
pleasure  shot  over  my  face,  and  I  felt  happier  by  the  bed- 
side of  that  old  drunken  woman,  in  that  lowly  cabin,  in 
that  obscure  swamp,  than  if  the  many  voices  of  the  city 
were  shouting  "  laus"  unto  my  name.  I  was  taking  the 
first  round  in  the  race  between  medicine  and  disease,  and 
so  far  was  leading  my  competitor. 

It  was  now  past  midnight :  up  to  this  time  I  had  kept 
my  place  by  the  bed-side  of  the  patient,  and  began  to  get 
wearied.  I  could  with  safety  transfer  her  care  now  to 
one  of  the  old  dames,  and  I  determined  to  do  so,  and  try 
and  obtain  some  sleep.  The  house  consisted  of  a  double 
log  cabin,  of  small  dimensions,  a  passage,  the  full  depth  of 
the  house,  running  between  the  "  pens."  As  sleep  was 
absolutely  required  for  the  preservation  of  the  patient,  and 
the  old  dames  who  were  gathered  around  the  fire,  discours- 
ing of  the  marvels  of  their  individual  experience,  bid  fair 
to  step  over  the  bounds  of  proper  modulation  in  their  gar- 
rulity, I  proposed,  in  such  a  way  that  there  was  no  with- 
standing the  appeal,  that  we  should  all,  except  the  one 
nursing,  adjourn  to  the  other  room.     The  old  ladies  ac- 


148  MY    FIRST    CALL    IN    THE    SWAMP. 

quiesced  without  a  single  demurrer,  as  they  were  all  dying 
to  have  a  talk  with  the  "  young  doctor,"  who  hitherto, 
absorbed  in  his  patient,  had  shown  but  little  communica- 
tiveness. 

The  male  portion  of  the  family  had  adjourned  to  the 
fodder-house  to  pass  the  night,  so  my  once  fair  companions 
and  self  had  the  whole  of  the  apartment  to  ourselves. 
Ascertaining  by  actual  experiment  that  it  was  sufficiently 
removed  by  the  passage  to  prevent  ordinary  conversation 
from  being  audible  at  the  bed-side  of  the  invalid,  the  old 
ladies,  in  despite  of  my  hints  of  "  being  very  tired,  "  really 
I  am  very  sleepy,"  and  "I  wish  I  hadn't  such  a  long 
ride  to  take  to-morrow,"  commenced  their  attack  in  earnest, 
by  opening  a  tremendous  battery  of  small  talk  and  queries 
upon  me.  The  terrible  breaches  that  it  made,  had  the 
effect  of  keeping  mine  on,  and  I  surrendered  at  discretion 
to  the  ladies,  almost  wishing,  I  must  confess,  that  they 
were  a  bevy  of  young  damsels,  instead  of  a  set  so  anti- 
quated that  their  only  knowledge  of  love  was  in  seeing 
their  grand-children.  Besides,  they  were  only  exacting 
from  me  the  performance  of  one  of  the  prescribed  duties  of 
the  country  physician,  performed  by  him  from  time  im- 
memorial ;  and  why  should  they  not  exact  it  of  me  ?  The 
doctor  of  a  country  settlement  was  then — they  have  be- 
come so  common  now  as  to  place  it  in  the  power  of  nearly 
every  planter  to  own  a  physician,  and  consequently  they 
attract  little  regard — a  very  important  character  in  the 
community.  Travelling  about  from  house  to  house,  he 
became  the  repository  of  all  the  news,  scandal,  and  secrets 
of  the  neighbourhood,  which  he  was  expected  to  retail  out 
as  required  for  the  moral  edification  of  the  females  of  his 
"beat ;"  consequently,  his  coming  was  an  event  of  great 
and  exciting  interest  to  the  womenkind  generally. 

It  is  a  trite  observation,  "  that  when  you  have  rendered 


MY    FIRST    CALL    IN    THE    SWAMP.  149 

yourself  popular  with  the  wife,  you  are  insured  of  the 
patronage  of  the  husband  ;"  apply  it  to  the  whole  sex  of 
women,  and  it  still  holds  good — married  or  single  they 
hold  the  men  up,  and  without  their  support,  no  physician 
can  succeed.  I  had  imagined,  in  my  youthful  simplicity, 
that  when  I  entered  the  swamp,  I  had  left  female  curiosity 
— regarding  it  as  the  offspring  of  polished  society — behind  ; 
but  I  found  out  my  mistake,  and  though  I  was  very  sleepy, 
I  loved  my  profession  too  well  not  to  desire  to  perfect  my- 
self in  all  the  duties  of  the  calling.  I  have  often  had  a 
quiet  laugh  to  myself,  when  I  reflect  upon  the  incidents  of 
that  night,  and  what  a  ludicrous  appearance  I  must  have 
presented  to  a  non-participant,  when,  on  a  raw-hide-bot- 
tomed chair,  I  sat  in  that  log  cabin,  directly  in  front  of  a 
cheerful  fire — for  though  spring,  the  nights  were  suffi- 
ciently cool  to  render  a  fire  pleasant — the  apex  of  a  pyra- 
mid of  old  women,  who  stretched  in  two  rows,  three  on 
each  side,  down  to  the  jambs  of  the  chimney. 

There  was  Miss  Pechum,  and  Miss  Stivers,  and  Miss 
Limsey,  on  one  side,  and  Miss  Dims,  who,  unfortunately, 
as  she  informed  me,  had  had  her  nose  bit  off  by  a  wild 
hog,  and  Miss  Ripson,  and  Miss  Tillot,  on  the  other.  Six 
old  women,  with  case-hardened  tongues,  and  only  one  poor 
humble  "  Swamp  Doctor,"  whom  the  verdict  of  one,  at  first 
sight,  had  pronounced  a  thing,  to  talk  to  them  all !  Fear- 
ful odds  I  saw,  and  seeing  trembled  ;  for  the  fate  of  the 
adventurous  Frenchman  came  fresh  to  my  mind,  who  pro- 
posed for  a  wager  to  talk  twelve  hours  with  an  old  widow, 
and  who  at  the  expiration  of  the  time  was  found  dead, 
with  the  old  lady  whispering  vainly  "  frog  soup"  in  his 
ear.  There  it  was  one  against  one,  here  it  was  six  versus 
one,  and  a  small  talker  at  that ;  but  the  moments  were 
flying,  no  time  was  to  be  lost,  and  we  commenced.  What 
marvellous  stories  I  told  them  about  things  I  h?d  seen,  and 


150  MY    FIRST    CALL    IN    THE    SWAMP. 

what  wonderful  recitals  they  gave  me  in  return!  How, 
first,  I  addressed  my  attention  to  one  side  of  the  pyramid, 
and  then  bestowed  a  commensurate  intensity  upon  the 
other  !  How  learnedly  we  discoursed  upon  "  yarbs,"  and 
"  kumfrey  tea,"  and  "  sweet  gum  sav  !"  How  readily  we 
all  acquiesced  in  the  general  correctness  of  the  broken-nose 
lady's  remark,  "  Bless  Jesus !  we  must  all  die  when  our 
time  kums  ;"  and  what  a  general  smile — which  I  am  cer- 
tain, had  it  not  been  for  the  propinquity  of  the  invalid, 
would  have  amounted  to  a  laugh — went  round  the  pyra- 
mid, when  Miss  Pechum,  who  talked  through  her  nose, 
snuffled  out  a  witticism  of  her  youngest  son,  when  he  was 
a  babe,  in  which  the  point  of  the  joke  lay  in  bite,  or  right, 
or  fight,  or  some  word  of  some  such  sound,  but  which  the 
imperfection  of  her  pronunciation  somewhat  obscured ! 
How  intently  we  all  listened  to  Miss  Stiver's  ghost-story  ! 
what  upholding  of  hands  and  lap-dropping  of  knitting,  and 
exclamations  of  fear  and  horror  and  admiration,  and 
"Blessed  Master!"  and  "  Lordy  grashus !"  and  "Well, 
did  you  ever!"  and  "You  don't  say  so!"  and  "Dear 
heart  do  tell !"  and  what  a  universal  sigh  was  heaved 
when  the  beautiful  maid  that  was  haunted  by  the  ghost 
was  found  drowned  in  a  large  churn  of  buttermilk  that  her 
mother  had  set  away  for  market  next  day !  How  profuse 
in  my  expressions  of  astonishment  and  admiration  I  was, 
when,  after  a  long  comparison  of  the  relative  sufferings  of 
the  two  sexes,  Miss  Stivers — the  lady  who  talked  through 
her  nose,  in  reply  to  Miss  Dims,  the  lady  who  had  no  nose 
at  all — declared  that  "  Blessed  Master  permitting  arter  all 
their  talk  'bout  women's  sufferings,  she  must  say  that  she 
thought  men  had  the  hardest  time  of  it,  for  grashus  knows 
sne'd  rather  have  a  child  every  nine  months  than  scour 
a  skillet,  and  she  ought  to  know !"  How  we  debated 
"  whether  the  '  hives'  were  catchin'  or  not  ?"  and  were 


MY    FIRST    CALL,    IN    THE    SWAMP.  151 

perfectly  unanimous  in  the  conclusion  that  "  Sheep  safem" 
were  wonderful  "  truck  !" 

Suddenly  one  of  those  small  screech,  or  horned  owls,  so 
common  in  the  South  and  West,  gave  forth  his  discordant 
cry  from  a  small  tree,  distant  only  a  few  feet  from  the 
house  ;  instantaneously  every  voice  was  hushed,  all  the 
lower  jaws  of  the  old  women  dropped,  every  eye  was 
dilated  to  its  utmost  capacity,  till  the  whites  looked  like  a 
circle  of  cream  around  a  black  bean,  every  forefinger  was 
raised  to  command  attention,  and  every  head  gave  a  com- 
miserative shake,  moderating  gradually  to  a  solemn  set- 
tling. After  a  considerable  pause,  Miss  Ripson  broke  the 
silence.  "  Poor  creetur  !  she's  gone,  doctor,  the  Fitifuge 
can't  cure  her,  she's  knit  her  last  pair  of  socks  !  Blessed 
Master !  the  screech  owl  is  hollered,  and  she's  bound  to 
die,  certin !"  "  Certin  !"  every  voice  belonging  to  the 
females  responded,  and  every  head,  besides,  nodded  a 
mournful  acquiescence  to  the  melancholy  decision. 

Not  thoroughly  versed  in  the  superstitions  of  the  back- 
woods, I  could  not  see  what  possible  connexion  there 
could  be  between  the  screech  of  the  owl  and  the  fate  of  the 
patient.  Desirous  of  information  upon  the  subject,  I  broke 
my  usual  rule,  never  to  acknowledge  ignorance  upon  any 
matter  to  ladies — from  the  first  eruption  of  Vesuvius  to 
the  composition  of  a  plumptitudinizer — and  therefore  asked 
Miss  Ripson  to  enlighten  me. 

I  shall  never  forget  the  mingled  look  of  astonishment 
and  contempt  that  the  old  lady,  to  whom  the  query  was 
propounded,  cast  upon  me  as  she  replied  : — 

"  How  dus  screech  owls  hollerin'  make  sick  people  die  ? 
Blessed  Master  !  you  a  doctor,  and  ax  sich  a  question  ' 
How  is  ennything  fotch  'bout  'cept  by  sines  an'  awgrese, 
an'  simbles,  an'  figurashuns,  an'  hiramgliptix,  and  sich  like 
vareus  wase  that  the  Creator  works  out  his  desine  to  man's 


152  MY    FIRST   CALL    IN    THE    SWAMP. 

intimashun  and  expound  in'.  Don't  spose  there's  con- 
jurashun  an'  majestix  in  the  matter,  for  them's  agin  scrip- 
tur ;  but  this  much  I  do  no — I  never  sot  up  with  a  sick 
body,  and  heard  a  screech  owl  holler,  or  a  dog  howl,  or  a 
scratchin'  agin  the  waul,  but  what  they  dide ;  ef  they  did- 
dent  then,  they  did  'fore  long,  w7hich  pruves  that  the  sine 
war  true  ;  Blessed  Master  !  what  weke  creetur's  we  is, 
sure  enuf!  I  reculleck  when  I  lived  down  to  Bunkum 
County,  North  Carliny — Miss  Dims,  you  node  Miss  Ply- 
ser,  what  lived  down  to  Zion  Spring  ?" — (Miss  Dims,  being 
the  noseless  lady,  snuffled  out  that  she  did  as  well  as  one 
of  her  own  children,  as  the  families  were  monstrous  fami- 
liar, and  seed  a  heap  of  one  another).  "Well,  Miss  Ply- 
ser  war  takin  awfil  sick  arter  etin  a  bate  of  cold  fride  col- 
lards — I  alwase  tole  her  cold  fride  collards  warn't  'dapted 
to  the  delicases  of  her  constytushun,  but  the  poor  crittur 
war  indoost  to  them,  and  wuddent  taik  my  device  ;  an'  it 
wood  hav  been  a  grate  dele  beter  for  her  ef  she  had,  as  the 
sekil  wil  pruve  ;  poor  creetur  !  ef  she  oanly  had,  she  mout 
bin  a  settin'  here  to-nite,  fur  her  husband  shortly  arter,  sed 
ef  sarkumstancis  haddent  altired  his  'tarmynashun  he  didn't 
no  but  wat  he  wood  like  to  take  a  look  at  them  Luzaanny 
botums,  wrair  all  you  had  to  do  to  clar  the  land,  war  to  cut 
down  all  the  trese  and  wate  fur  the  next  overflow  to  wash 
them  off;  but  pr'aps  she  wuddent  nethur,  for  arter  all  he 
dident  cum,  an'  you  no  she  cuddent  kum  'cept  writh  him 
'ceptin'  she  dun  like  Lizey  Johnson's  middle  darter,  Prin- 
sanna,  who  left  her  husband  in  the  state  of  Georgy,  and 
kum  to  Luzaanny  an'  got  marred  to  a  nother  man,  the 
pisen  varmint,  to  do  sich  as  that  and  her  own  laful  hus- 
band, for  I  no  that  he  borrerd  a  dollar  of  my  sister  Jane's 
sister  to  pay  for  the  license  and  eatables  for  the  crowd — 
but  Blessed  Master,  where  is  I  talking  to ! — well,  as  I 
sed,  Miss  Plyser  made  herself  monstrous  sick  etin  cold 


MY    FIRST    CALL    IN    THE    SWAMP.  153 

fride  collards  ;  wen  I  got  where  she  was  they  had  sent  for 
the  doctor,  an'  shortly  arter  I  kum  he  cum,  an'  the  fust 
thins;  he  axed  fur  arter  he  got  in  the  house  war  for  a  han 
ful  of  red-pepper  pods — it  war  a  monstrous  fine  time  for 
pepper  and  other  gardin  truck  that  sesun — an'  wen  he  got 
them  he  tuck  a  han-ful  of  lobely  an'  mixt  the  pepper-pods 
with  it  an'  then  he  poured  hot  bilin'  water  over  it,  and 
made  a  strong  decokshun.  Jes  as  it  was  got  reddy  for 
'ministering,  but  before  it  was  guv,  I  heered  a  screech  owl 
holler  on  the  gable  end  of  the  cabin.  I  sed  then  as  I  say 
now,  in  the  present  case,  that  it  war  a  sine  and  a  forerun- 
ner that  she  was  gwine  to  die,  but  the  doctor,  in  spite  of 
my  'swadements,  gin  her  a  tin  cup  of  the  pepper  and  lobely  5 
but  I  nude  it  war  no  use — the  screech  owl  had  hollered, 
and  she  war  called  fur ;  an'  jes  to  think  of  a  nice  young 
'ooman  like  her,  with  the  purtiest  pair  of  twins  in  the 
world,  and  as  much  alike  as  two  pese,  only  one  had  black 
hare  and  lite  ise,  an'  the  other  had  black  ise  and  lite  hare 
— bein'  carrid  to  a  grave  by  cold  fride  collards  apeered  a 
hard  case,  but  the  Lord  is  the  Heavens  an'  he  nose !  Well, 
the  first  dose  that  he  gin  her  didn't  'feet  much,  so  he  gin 
her  another  pint,  an'  then  cummenst  stemin'  her,  when  the 
pirspirashun  began  to  kum  out$  she  sunk  rite  down,  an' 
begun  to  siken  awful ;  the  cold  fride  collards  began  to 
kum  up  in  gobs,  but  Blessed  Master !  it  war  too  late,  the 
screech  owl  had  hollered,  an'  she  flung  up  cold  fride  col- 
lards till  she  dide,  pooer  creetur !  the  Lord  be  marsyful  to 
her  poor  soul !  But  I  sed  from  the  fust  she  wood  die. 
Doctor,  weed  better  see  how  Miss  Jimsey  is  ;  it's  no  use  to 
waste  the  '  Futifuge'  on  her,  the  screech  owl  has  hollered, 
and  she  mus  go  though  all  the  doctors  of  a  king  war  here  ; 
poor  creetur  !  she  has  lived  a  long  time,  an'  I  'speck  her 
Lord  and  Master  wants  her." 

And  thus  saying,  the  old  lady  preceded  the  way  to  the 


154  MY   FIRST    CALL   IN    THE    SWAMP. 

sick-room,  myself  and  the  five  other  old  women  bringing 
up  the  rear. 

Somewhat,  I  thought,  to  the  disappointment  of  the 
superstitious  dames,  we  found  the  invalid  still  buried  in  a 
profound  slumber,  her  regular,  placid  breathing  indicating 
that  the  proper  functions  of  the  system  were  being  restored. 
I  softly  felt  her  pulse,  and  it,  too,  showed  improvement. 
Leaving  the  room,  we  returned  to  the  other  cabin.  I  in- 
formed the  family  that  she  was  much  better,  and  if  she  did 
not  have  a  return  of  the  spasms  by  morning,  and  rested 
undisturbed  in  the  meantime,  that  she  would  get  well. 
But  I  saw  that  superstition  had  too  deep  a  hold  on  their 
minds  for  my  flattering  opinion  to  receive  their  sanction. 
An  incredulous  shake  of  the  head  was  nearly  my  only 
reply,  except  from  the  owl  enthusiast.   • 

"  Doctor,  you're  mistaken,  certin.  The  screech-owl  has 
hollered,  and  she  is  boun  to  die — it's  a  sure  sign,  and  can't 
fail!" 

I  saw  the  uselessness  of  argument,  and  therefore  did  not 
attempt  to  show  them  how  ridiculous,  nay  irreligious,  it 
was  to  entertain  such  notions,  willing  that  the  termination 
of  the  case  should  be  the  reply. 

It  would  require  a  ponderous  tome  to  contain  all  that 
passed  in  conversation  during  our  vigils  that  night.  Morn- 
ing broke,  and  I  went  softly  in  to  see  if  my  patient  still 
slept.  The  noise  I  made  in  crossing  the  rough  floor 
aroused,  and  as  I  reached  the  bed-side,  she  half  raised  her- 
self up,  and  to  my  great  delight  accosted  me  in  her  perfect 
senses. 

"  I  s'pose,  young  man,  you're  a  doctor,  aint  you?" 

I  assured  her  that  her  surmise  was  correct,  and  pressed 
her  to  cease  talking  and  compose  herself.  She  would  not 
do  it,  however,  but  demanded  to  see  the  medicine  I  was 
giving  her.     I  produced  the  Arkansas  Fitifuge,  and  as  it 


MY   FIRST   CALL    IN    THE    SWAMP.  155 

was  near  the  time  that  she  should  take  a  dose,  I  poured 
one  out  and  gave  it  to  her.  Receiving  it  at  first  with 
evident  disgust,  with  great  reluctance  she  forced  herself 
to  drink;  a  small  quantity.  I  saw  pleasure  and  surprise 
lighting  up  her  countenance ;  she  drank  a  little  more — looked 
at  me — took  another  sip — and  then,  as  if  to  test  it  by  the 
other  senses,  applied  it  to  her  nose,  and  shaking  the  glass 
applied  it  to  her  ear ;  all  the  results  were  satisfactory,  and 
she  drank  it  to  the  dregs  without  a  murmur. 

"  Doctor,"  said  she,  "  ef  you're  a  mineral  fissishun,  and 
this  truck  has  got  calomy  in  it,  you  needn't  be  afeard  of 
salavatin  me,  and  stop  givin'  it,  for  I  wont  git  mad  ef  my 
gums  is  a  leetle  touched  !" 

I  assured  her  that  the  "  Fitifuge"  was  perfectly  harm- 
less. 

."  It's  monstrus  pleasant  truck,  ennyhow !  What  did 
you  say  was  the  name  of  it?" 

"  Arkansas  Fitifuge,  madam,  one  of  the  best  medica- 
ments for  spasmodic  diseases  that  I  have  ever  used.  You 
were  in  fits  last  night  when  I  arrived ;  but  you  see  the 
medicine  is  effecting  a  cure,  and  you  are  now  out  of  danger, 
although  extreme  quietude  is  highly  necessary." 

"  Doctor,  will  you  give  me  a  leetle  more  of  the  truck  ? 
I  declare,  it's  monstrous  pleasant.  Doctor,  I'm  mity  nar- 
vous,  ginerally  ;  don't  you  think  I'd  better  take  it  pretty 
often  through  the  day  ?  Ef  they'd  sent  for  you  sooner  I 
woodent  bin  half  as  bad  off.  But,  thank  the  Lord,  you  has 
proved  a  kapable  fissishun,  sent  to  me  in  the  hour  of  need, 
an'  I  wont  complane,  but  trust  in  a  mersyful  Saveyur !" 

"  How  do  you  feel  now,  sister  Jimsey  ?  do  you  think 
you're  looking  up  this  morning?"  was  now  asked  by  the 
lady  of  screech-owl  memory. 

"  Oh,  sister  Ripson,  thank  the  Lord,  I  do  feel  a  power 


156  MY    FIRST    CALL    IN    THE    SWAMP. 

better  this  mornin',  an'  I  think  in  the  course  of  a  clay  or 
two  I  will  be  able  to  get  about  agen." 

"  Well,  mersyful  Master,  wonders  will  never  stop !  las 
nite  I  thot  sure  you  cudolent  stand  it  till  mornin,  speshully 
arter  I  heerd  the  screech-owl  holler  !  'tis  a  mirrykul,  sure, 
or  else  this  is  the  wonderfulest  doctor  in  creashun  !" 

"  Did  the  screech-owl  holler  mor'n  wTunst,  sister  Ripson?" 

"No,  he  only  screached  wunst !  Ef  he'd  hollered  the 
second  time,  I'd  deride  all  the  doctors  in  the  created  wurld 
to  'ad  cured  you  ;  the  thing  would  have  bin  unpossible  !" 

Now  as  the  aforesaid  screech-owl  had  actually  screeched 
twice,  I  must  have  effected  an  impossibility  in  making  the 
cure ;  but  I  was  unwilling  to  disturb  the  old  lady  in  her 
delusion,  and  therefore  did  not  inform  her  of  that,  which 
she  would  have  heard  herself,  had  she  not  been  highly 
alarmed. 

I  directed  the  "  Fitifuge"  to  be  given  at  regular  intervals 
through  the  day ;  and  then,  amidst  the  blessings  of  the 
patient,  the  congratulations  of  the  family  for  the  wonderful 
cure  I  had  effected,  and  their  assurances  of  future  patron- 
age, took  my  departure  for  home,  hearing,  as  I  left  the 
house,  the  same  old  lady  who  had  underrated  me  at  my 
entrance  ejaculate,  "  Well,  bless  the  Lord  I  didn't  die  last 
yere  of  the  yaller  janders,  or  I'd  never  lived  to  see  with 
my  own  eyes  a  doctor  who  could  cure  a  body  arter  the 
screech-owl  hollered !" 


THE  MAN  OF  ARISTOCRATIC  DISEASES. 

What  a  queer  thing  is  pride !  Pride,  that  busy  devil 
that  breaks  off  the  point  of  the  lancet,  and  lets  human 
nature  die  of  the  big-head  before  common  sense  can  bleed 
freely.  Pride,  that  sticks  a  pretty  foot  in  a  kid  slipper  in 
the  dead  of  winter,  and  the  owner  shortly  in  the  grave. 
Pride,  that  keeps  man  from  acknowledging  his  error,  and 
makes  him  a  slayer  of  his  kind,  without  being  justified  by 
a  doctor's  degree.     Pride — but  enough  of  philosophy. 

I  have  seen  this  trait  of  humanity  illustrated  in  various 
ways,  according  to  the  temperament,  education,  and  habits 
of  individuals,  and  thought  I  knew  something  of  the  various 
workings  of  the  foible  ;  but  until  I  saw  Major  Subsequent, 
never  did  I  know  that  man  could  find  his  chief  glory  in 
the  possession  of  loathsome  and  incurable  afflictions.  But 
such  is  the  fact,  or  rather  was  the  fact,  for  the  Major  one 
day  came  in  contact  with  rather  a  familiar  friend  of  mine, 
whose  known  liberality  is  such  that  he  never  fails  to  give 
his  visiters  a  fee  simple  to  a  small  plantation.  Yes,  the 
Major  is  no  more  !  he  died  in  my  arms,  or  rather  a  portion 
of  him  did  ;  for  my  embrace,  to  have  clasped  the  whole  of 
his  frame,  muscle,  and  fat,  would  have  had  to  be  as 
comprehensive  as  the  recipe  for  boiling  water.  Reader  ! 
in  all  probability  you  never  knew  him ;  if  twoscore  has 
not  been  chalked  up  against  you,  I  know  you  never  did, 
for  I  am  now  an  old,  bald-headed,  wig-wearing  Swamp 
Doctor,  and  he  was  buried  when  my  natural  hair  was  long 
as  a  Yankee  pedlar's  remembrance  of  a  small  debt  due  him. 
Major  Billy  Subsequent,  F.  F.  V.  O.  K.  M.  T.  R.  L.  M. 
SI  (157) 


158  THE   MAN    OF    ARISTOCRATIC    DISEASES. 

H.  M.  A.  M.  J.  O.  G.  First  Family  Virginia,  Olways 
Kritical,  Major  third  regiment  Louisiana  Militia.  His 
mother  a  Miss  Jones  of  Georgia.  Hie  Jackson.  Yes, 
here  is  the  grave  ! 

"  Major  Billy  Subsequent,  here  are  some  friends  of 
mine  that  wish  an  introduction  to  you.  Will  you  rise? 
You're  sleepy !  Ah,  Billy,  you're  a  grave  subject.  But 
my  readers  are  anxious  to  know  you.  Read,  then,  your 
biography  from  your  posthumous  memoirs.  You  haven't 
got  your  nap  out  yet  ?" 

Reader,  Billy  won't  rise,  so  I'll  have  to  do  as  he  directs, 
and  call  upon  your  imagination  to  prepare  him  from  the 
material  I  shall  offer, 

Major  Billy  Subsequent,  to  use  rather  an  old  witticism, 
was  one  of  the  most  classical  men  I  ever  knew.  Byron 
must  have  had  him  in  his  eye — rather  a  large  one  would 
have  been  required  to  hold  him — when  he  wrote  his  beau- 
tiful lyric,  The  iles  of  grease !  the  iles  of  grease  !  for  Billy 
was  fat  almost  to  fatuity ;  nature  had  set  up  in  his  inner 
man  a  laboratory  to  convert  everything  that  entered  his 
mouth  into  adipose  or  fatty  corpuscles.  He  would  have 
been  a  trump  at  euchre,  for  in  an  emergency  he  could  have 
been  played  as  the  right  bower  at  clubs,  to  which  important 
personage  he  bore  a  striking  resemblance.  It  would  have 
been  impossible  to  have  hung  him,  for  he  had  no  neck ;  his 
head  was  rather  too  hard  to  have  suspended  him  by,  and 
I  have  yet  to  learn  that  a  man  can  be  strangulated  by 
tying  the  rope  under  his  arms ;  so  capital  execution  was 
not  applicable  to  him,  except  when  fish,  flesh,  fowl,  or 
vegetables  were  to  be  devoured,  and  then  his  execution 
was  capital.  He  had  heard  when  very  young  that  he, 
like  the  balance  of  the  human  race,  possessed  feet ;  but 
such  was  his  abdominal  rotundity  grown  to,  that  to  verify 
the  fact  by  ocular  demonstration,  was  a  feat,  to  accomplish 


THE   MAX    OF    ARISTOCRATIC    DISEASES.  159 

■which  he  would  have  failed  in  toto.  When  we  heheld 
his  hands,  we  were  struck  with  their  resemblance  to  a  pair 
of  boiled  haras,  notched  at  the  ends  sufficiently  to  corres- 
pond to  fingers  and  thumbs.  He  never  trusted  but  one 
finger  in  the  performance  of  friendship's  manipulation, 
melancholy  experience  having  demonstrated  that  human 
friendship  was  grown  too  weak  to  be  intrusted  with  an 
entire  hand.  His  face  was  coveted  by  every  politician  in 
the  land,  being  broad  enough  to  smile  upon  all  parties,  and 
look  lovingly  to  all  quarters  of  the  Union  at  the  same  time. 
His  wind,  like  a  doctor's  visits  of  charity,  was  short,  but 
not  sweet,  his  oesophagus  being  contracted,  the  proximity 
of  his  stomach  being  supposed  to  affect  it  in  this  respect. 
Set  him  to  walking,  and  his  puff!  puff!  sent  every  inland 
planter  who  had  cotton  to  ship  to  the  bayou  directly. 

Being  the  lineal  descendant  of  a  Scotch  prince — who  was 
hun<r  as  the  finale  of  an  unsuccessful  raid — and  belonoino; 
to  F.  F.  V.,  it  is  natural  to  suppose  that  he  shared  in  the 
modesty  and  personal  humility  that  distinguish  his  like 
favoured  brethren  ;  in  fact,  he  rather  externally  accom- 
plished the  thing,  imitating  them  in  every  particular  of 
common  glorification,  and  taking  exclusive  grounds  in 
things  that  thev  never  dreamt  of  as  forming;  subjects  for 
self-gratulation.  They  referred  to  tradition,  genealogy, 
or  other  equally  as  creditable  sources,  to  prove  their  purity 
of  blood  and  excellence  of  family ;  but  Major  Subsequent 
had  another  test,  which  with  him  was  indubitably  decisive 
of  the  present  and  past  purity  of  his  genealogical  tree. 
L  p  to  the  time  of  my  acquaintance  with  him,  his  wife, 
children,  and  self,  all  were,  and  had  been  from  vouth,  in 
possession  of  various  incurable  and  afflicting  disorders,  but 
according  to  the  Major's  statement  not  one  of  them  had 
ever  had  a  plebeian  or  unfashionable  disease.  This  was 
the  Major's  chief  source  of  glory  and  honour.     The  blood 


160  THE   MAN    OF    ARISTOCRATIC    DISEASES. 

of  his  family  was  so  pure,  that  only  aristocratic  diseases 
could  make  any  morbific  impression  on  their  susceptible 
systems. 

He  prided  himself  upon  his  Ciceronian  wart  and  bluff 
Harry  the  Eighth  proportions ;  every  twinge  of  the  gout 
was  a  thrill  of  exquisite  pleasure,  for  only  high  living  and 
pure  blood  could  have  the  gout.  His  eldest  son  had  the 
King's  Evil — the  King's  Evil,  mind  you !  Major  Subse- 
quent was  one-  of  those  that  believed  that  kings  existed  in 
a  perpetual  atmosphere  of  delight,  and  that  consequently 
the  King's  Evil  was  only  a  play-synonyme  for  the  king's 
pleasure,  so  his  eldest  born  had  little  of  his  sympathy.  His 
youngest  son  was  terribly  humpbacked,  but  this  gave  the 
Major  no  uneasiness,  for  were  not  Alexander  and  Richard 
humpbacked  kings?  One  of  his  daughters  was  an  old 
maid,  "  but  then,"  argued  the  Major,  consoling  his  child 
under  this  terrible  disease,  "  Queen  Elizabeth  and  Cleopa- 
tra died  old  maids,  and  why  not  you?"  Another  had  a 
perpetual  leer  upon  her  countenance,  "  but  then,"  quoth 
the  Major,  turning  to  a  volume  of  Shakspeare,  "  there  was 
a  king  Lear,  a  kingly  precedent,  Miss  Subsequent ;  so  don't 
talk  of  being  operated  upon  for  strabismus."  His  wife — 
but  enough,  you  know  the  man.  The  Major  was  very 
proud  of  his  family,  or  rather  of  his  family's  diseases, 
cherishing  them  in  much  the  same  spirit  that  Jenner,  the 
father  of  vaccination,  did  his  experimental  cow,  for  the 
scab  upon  her. 

I  became  a  great  favourite  with  the  Major,  not  that  I 
was  diseased  in  any  way,  but  on  the  contrary  always  en- 
joyed good  health,  but  he  said  that  as  I  was  one  of  the 
chivalry,  he  was  certain  if  I  ever  got  sick,  it  would  be  a 

gentlemanly  disease,  and  none  of  your  d n  plebeian, 

chill-and-fever,  poor  folks'  affections. 

I  used  to  visit  the  Major's  house  often,  for  the  purpose 


THE    MAN    OF    ARISTOCRATIC    DISEASES.  161 

of  studying  his  character,  and  getting  a  good  dinner ;  for 
the  Major  fed  well,  all  but  horses,  and  they  had  to  trust 
the  chances  of  a  stray  nubbin  falling  through  the  chinks 
of  the  stable  loft.  Taking  good  care  of  a  horse  meant, 
with  him,  tying  him  to  a  fence,  with  nothing  to  eat  but 
the  dead  wood.  Taking  extraordinary  care  signified 
hitching  him  to  a  green  sapling,  where  he  could  have  the 
privilege  of  gnawing  the  bark. 

My  open  admiration  of  his  character  soon  elevated  me 
to  the  post  of  family  physician — nearly  a  sinecure — for 
the  Major  was  afraid  to  take  medicine,  not  wishing  to 
part  with  his  hereditary  honours. 

One  day,  I  had  just  finished  my  dinner  at  home,  and 
had  taken,  cigar  in  mouth,  my  usual  seat  beneath  a 
favourite  oak,  to  indulge  in  a  fit  of  meditation,  when  I 
saw  the  dust  up  the  bayou  road  shaken  up  by  a  half-naked 
negro,  who,  having  no  pockets  in  his  shirt,  and  being  hat- 
less,  holding  a  letter  in  his  teeth,  was  urging  his  mule 
along  at  the  top  of  his  speed.  At  a  glance,  I  knew  it  was 
the  Major's  boy,  or  rather  mule,  for  no  one  in  the  settle- 
ment save  him  owned  an  animal,  the  ribs  of  which  could 
be  counted  at  almost  any  distance. 

They  arrived ;  and  first  asking  me  for  a  chaw  of  tobacco, 
the  negro  delivered  the  note,  which,  true  to  my  surmise, 
was  from  the  Major,  and  written  apparently  under  high 
excitement,  requesting  me  to  come  up  immediately,  as 
he  apprehended  something  terrible  had  either  happened, 
or  was  going  to  occur. 

My  horse  being  ready  saddled,  in  a  short  time  I  was  at 
the  Major's,  whom  I  found  waddling  up  and  down  his 
long  gallery,  his  path  distinctly  marked  by  the  huge  drops 
of  sweat  that  had  fallen  from  his  brow. 

"  Doctor,  I  am  truly  rejoiced  at  your  arrival;  my  worst 
apprehensions  have  been  excited  upon  a  subject,  upon 


162  THE   MAN    OF    ARISTOCRATIC    DISEASES. 

which  the  honour  of  my  family  depends,  and  the  firm  fame 
of  my  ancestors." 

Thinking  from  his  language  there  was  a  lady  in  the 
case,  I  told  him  that  marriage  would  cure  all  indiscretions, 
and  muttered  something  about  accidents  and  the  best  of 
families.     The  Major  understood  only  the  conclusion. 

"Best  of  families!"  repeated  he.  "Yes,  doctor,  not 
only  of  the  best,  but  the  very  best.  I  pride  myself  upon 
my  blood.  Mine  is  no  upstart  claim  of  a  thousand  years 
or  so,  but,  doctor,  drawn  from  the  very  creation,  and 
transmitted  in  a  stream  of  pure  brilliancy  down  to  me. 
But,  doctor,  something  has  occurred  to-day,  I  fear,  which, 
if  it  be  as  my  darkest  and  gloomiest  thoughts  suggest, 
will  prove  my  death,  bring  ruin  and  disgrace  upon  my 
house,  and  extinguish  the  ancient  torch  of  the  Subsequents 
like  a  farthing  dip.  I  have  looked  over  my  list  of  ances- 
tors, from  the  creation  up,  and  find  to  my  ineffable  horror 
not  one  of  them  ever  died  with  any  but  a  noble  and  kingly 
disease.  I  know  I  have  received  the  stream  in  all  its 
pristine  purity — and  oh,  doctor,  on  your  honour  as  a 
man,  on  the  awful  sanctity  of  your  calling,  never  reveal 
to  mortal  the  terrible  disclosure  I  am  about  to  make. 
Doctor  Tensas,  I  fear  my  eldest  born  has  got — faugh  !  I 
sicken  at  the  thought — the  chill  and  fever!  Oh,  Lord  . 
terrible  !  awful!  horrible  !  Is  it  not  enough  to  madden  a 
man,  to  think,  after  having  only  noble  diseases  in  his 
family,  for  twenty  thousand  years  at  least,  that  a  cursed, 
plebeian,  vulgar  disease,  which  every  negro  and  low 
poor  man  can  have,  should  dare  present  itself  in  the 
habitation  of  aristocratic  and  kingly  affections.  Doctor, 
if  it  be  as  I  fear,  I  shall  go  deranged !  I  shall  die !  I  will 
disinherit  the  rascal !  He  shall  change  his  name !  To 
think  of  gout,  king's  evil,  humpback,  and  their  royal 
brethren,  to  attest  my  purity  of  blood,  and  then  for  chi — ■ 


THE   MAN    OF    ARISTOCRATIC    DISEASES.  163 

faugh !  it  is  too  horrible  to  be  true  !  Go,  doctor,  examine 
him.  Heaven  grant  my  fears  may  be  groundless,  or  I 
shall  certainly  die.     I  cannot  survive  the  disgrace." 

Going  into  the  room  where  the  patient  lay,  I  examined 
him,  and  sure  enough  chill  and  fever  was  there  in  all  its 
perfection. 

Fearing  the  effect  the  revelation  might  have  upon  the 
Major,  I  attempted  a  pious  fraud,  and  blundered  out 
something  about  its  being  a  strange,  singular,  and  ano- 
malous affection,  not  laid  down  in  the  books — never  had 
seen  anything  like  it  before.  Certainly  not  chill  and 
fever,  though  even  if  it  were — ha !  ha ! — it  was  still  a 
disease,  though  debased  very  much  in  modern  times,  I 
must  confess,  not  to  be  looked  on  with  coolness,  as  James 
the  Second  and  Oliver  Cromwell  were  said  to  have  died 
of  it. 

"  Doctor  Tensas,  don't  deceive  me,"  said  the  Major. 
I  assured  him  that  I  did  not — that  his  son  had  not  the 
chill  and  fever.  I  was  not  fully  assured  of  the  nature  of 
his  disease,  but  he  might  rest  easy,  as  far  as  ague  was 
concerned. 

Reassured  and  comforted  by  my  positive  declaration 
and  manner,  the  Major  heaved  a  deep  sigh  of  relief,  and 
asked  me  to  stay  all  night.  I  would  have  assented,  but 
my  old  sorrel,  remembering  his  well  filled  trough  at  home, 
and  fearing  some  such  arrangement,  put  in  an  impatient 
and  positive  nay,  and  I  departed. 

A  day  passed  in  quietude  ;  but  who  knows  what  the 
morrow  will  bring  forth?  I  was  summoned,  in  greater 
haste  than  before,  to  the  Major's.  On  reaching  there,  I 
found  him  writhing  in  pain,  both  bodily  and  mentally, 
with  a  handful  of  buttons,  and  a  couple  of  jaw-teeth  with 
them,  somewhat  decayed. 

"  Doctor  Tensas,"  he  thundered  out,  "by  the  Eternal 


164  THE   INDEFATIGABLE   BEAR-HUNTER. 

you  deceived  me.  My  son  had  the  chill  and  fever.  He 
has  it  now  !  Now,  sir,  now !  Look  at  these  buttons  off 
and  these  teeth  shaken  out,  and  then  tell  me  if  the  blood 
of  a  line  of  noble  ancestors  is  not  denied,  and  my  family 
disgraced  forever? — my  son  have  the  chill  and  fever!" 
and  a  shudder  ran  over  his  frame.  "Chill  and  fever! 
Ha!  ha!  ha!"  a  fit  of  hysterical,  demoniacal  laughter 
came  over  him.  "  Chill  and  fever!  Ha!  ha!  ha!"  gur- 
gled, mixed  with  the  death-rattle  from  his  throat.  I 
looked  in  his  face — and  thus  died  Major  Billy  Subsequent, 
F.  F.  V.  &c,  of  a  chill  and  fever  his  son  had ! 


THE  INDEFATIGABLE  BEAR-HUNTER. 

In  my  round  of  practice,  I  occasionally  meet  with  men 
whose  peculiarities  stamp  them  as  belonging  to  a  class 
composed  only  of  themselves.  So  different  are  they  in 
appearance,  habits,  taste,  from  the  majority  of  mankind, 
that  it  is  impossible  to  classify  them,  and  you  have  there- 
fore to  set  them  down  as  queer  birds  "  of  a  feather,"  that 
none  resemble  sufficiently  to  associate  with. 

I  had  a  patient  once  who  was  one  of  these  queer  ones ; 
gigantic  in  stature,  uneducated,  fearless  of  real  danger, 
yet  timorous  as  a  child  of  superstitious  perils,  born  literally 
in  the  woods,  never  having  been  in  a  city  in  his  life,  and 
his  idea  of  one  being  that  it  was  a  place  where  people 
met  together  to  make  whiskey,  and  form  plans  for  swin- 
dling country  folks.  To  view  him  at  one  time,  you  would 
think  him  only  a  whiskey-drinking,  bear-fat-lo\ing  mor- 
tal;   at  other  moments,  he  would   give  vent    to   ideas, 


THE    INDEFATIGABLE    BEAR-HUNTER.  165 

proving  that  beneath  his  rough  exterior  there  ran  a  fiery 
current  of  high  enthusiastic  ambition. 

It  is  a  favourite  theory  of  mine,  and  one  that  I  am  fond 
of  consoling  myself  with,  for  my  own  insignificance,  that 
there  is  no  man  born  who  is  not  capable  of  attaining  dis- 
tinction, and  no  occupation  that  does  not  contain  a  path 
leading  to  fame.  To  bide  our  time  is  all  that  is  necessary. 
I  had  expressed  this  view  in  the  hearing  of  Mik-hoo-tah, 
for  so  was  the  subject  of  this  sketch  called,  and  it  seemed 
to  chime  in  with  his  feelings  exactly.  Born  in  the  woods, 
and  losing  his  parents  early,  he  had  forgotten  his  real 
name,  and  the  bent  of  his  genius  inclining  him  to  the 
slaying  of  bears,  he  had  been  given,  even  when  a  youth, 
the  name  of  Mik-hoo-tah,  signifying  "the  grave  of  bears," 
by  his  Indian  associates  and  admirers. 
'  To  glance  in  and  around  his  cabin,  you  would  have 
thought  that  the  place  had  been  selected  for  ages  past  by 
the  bear  tribe  to  yield  up  their  spirits  in,  so  numerous 
were  the  relics.  Little  chance,  I  ween,  had  the  cold  air 
to  whistle  through  that  hut,  so  thickly  was  it  tapestried 
with  the  soft,  downy  hides,  the  darkness  of  the  surface 
relieved  occasionally  by  the  skin  of  a  tender  fawn,  or  the 
short-haired  irascible  panther.  From  the  joists  depended 
bear-hams  and  tongues  innumerable,  and  the  ground 
outside  was  literally  white  with  bones.  Ay,  he  was  a 
bear-hunter,  in  its  most  comprehensive  sense — the  chief 
of  that  vigorous  band,  whose  occupation  is  nearly  gone — 
crushed  beneath  the  advancing  strides  of  romance-de- 
stroying civilization.  When  his  horn  sounded — so  tradi- 
tion ran — the  bears  began  to  draw  lots  to  see  who  should 
die  that  day,  for  painful  experience  had  told  them  the 
uselessness  of  all  endeavouring  to  escape.  The  "  Big  Bear 
of  Arkansas"  would  not  have  given  him  an  hour's  extra 
work,  or  raised  a  fresh  wrinkle  on  his  already  care-corru 


166  THE    INDEFATIGABLE    BEAR-HUNTER. 

gated  brow.  But,  though  almost  daily  imbruing  his  hands 
in  the  blood  of  Bruin,  Mik-hoo-tah  had  not  become  an  im- 
pious or  cruel-hearted  man.  Such  was  his  piety,  that  he 
never  killed  a  bear  without  getting  down  on  his  knees — 
to  skin  it — and  praying  to  be  d — ned  if  it  warn't  a  buster  ; 
and  such  his  softness  of  heart,  that  he  often  wept,  when 
he,  by  mistake,  had  killed  a  suckling  bear — depriving  her 
poor  offspring  of  a  mother's  care — and  found  her  too  poor 
to  be  eaten.  So  indefatigable  had  he  become  in  his  pur- 
suit, that  the  bears  bid  fair  to  disappear  from  the  face  of 
the  swamp,  and  be  known  to  posterity  only  through  the 
one  mentioned  in  Scripture,  that  assisted  Elisha  to  punish 
the  impertinent  children,  when  an  accident  occurred  to 
the  hunter,  which  raised  their  hopes  of  not  being  entirely 
exterminated. 

One  day,  Mik  happened  to  come  unfortunately  in  con- 
tact with  a  stray  grizzly  fellow,  who,  doubtless  in  the  in- 
dulgence of  an  adventurous  spirit,  had  wandered  away 
from  the  Rocky  Mountains,  and  formed  a  league  for 
mutual  protection  with  his  black  and  more  effeminate 
brethren  of  the  swamp.  Mik  saluted  him,  as  he  ap- 
proached, with  an  ounce  ball  in  the  forehead,  to  avenge 
half  a  dozen  of  his  best  dogs,  who  lay  in  fragments 
around  ;  the  bullet  flattened  upon  his  impenetrable  skull, 
merely  infuriating  the  monster ;  and  before  Mik  could 
reload,  it  was  upon  him.  Seizing  him  by  the  leg,  it  bore 
him  to  the  ground,  and  ground  the  limb  to  atoms.  But 
before  it  could  attack  a  more  vital  part,  the  knife  of  the 
dauntless  hunter  had  cloven  its  heart,  and  it  dropped  dead 
upon  the  bleeding  form  of  its  slayer,  in  which  condition 
they  were  shortly  found  by  Mik's  comrades.  Making  a 
litter  of  branches,  they  placed  Mik  upon  it,  and  proceeded 
with  all  haste  to  their  camp,  sending  one  of  the  company 
by  a  near  cut  for  me,  as  I  was  the  nearest  physician. 


THE    INDEFATIGABLE    BEAR-HUNTER.  167 

When  I  reached  their  temporary  sheher  I  found  Mik 
doing  better  than  I  could  have  expected,  with  the  excep- 
tion of  his  wounded  leg,  and  that,  from  its  crushed  and 
mutilated  condition,  I  saw  would  have  to  be  amputated 
immediately,  of  which  I  informed  Mik.  As  I  expected, 
he  opposed  it  vehemently;  but  I  convinced  him  of  the 
impossibility  of  saving  it,  assuring  him  if  it  were  not  am- 
putated, he  would  certainly  die,  and  appealed  to  his  good 
sense  to  grant  permission,  which  he  did  at  last.  The 
next  difficulty  was  to  procure  amputating  instruments,  the 
rarity  of  surgical  operations,  and  the  generally  slender 
purse  of  the  "  Swamp  Doctor,"  not  justifying  him  in  pur- 
chasing expensive  instruments.  A  couple  of  bowie-knives, 
one  ingeniously  hacked  and  filed  into  a  saw — a  tourniquet 
made  of  a  belt  and  piece  of  stick — a  gun-screw  converted 
for  the  time  into  a  tenaculum — and  some  buckskin  slips 
for  ligatures,  completed  my  case  of  instruments  for  am- 
putation. The  city  physician  may  smile  at  this  recital, 
but  I  assure  him  many  a  more  difficult  operation  than  the 
amputation  of  a  leg,  has  been  performed  by  his  humble 
brother  in  the  "  swamp,"  with  far  more  simple  means 
than  those  I  have  mentioned.  The  preparations  being 
completed,  Mik  refused  to  have  his  arms  bound,  and 
commenced  singing  a  bear  song;  and  throughout  the 
whole  operation,  which  was  necessarily  tedious,  he  never 
uttered  a  groan,  or  missed  a  single  stave.  The  next  day, 
I  had  him  conveyed  by  easy  stages  to  his  pre-emption ; 
and  tending  assiduously,  in  the  course  of  a  few  weeks,  he 
had  recovered  sufficiently  for  me  to  cease  attentions.  1 
made  him  a  wooden  leg,  which  answered  a  good  purpose ; 
and  with  a  sigh  of  regret  for  the  spoiling  of  such  a  good 
hunter,  I  struck  him  from  my  list  of  patients. 

A  few  months  passed  over  and  I  heard  nothing  more 
of  him.     Newer,  but  not  brighter,  stars  were  in  the  as- 


168  THE   INDEFATIGABLE    BEAR-HUNTER. 

cendant,  filling  with  their  deeds  the  clanging  trump  of 
bear-killing  fame,  and,  but  for  the  quantity  of  bear-blan- 
kets in  the  neighbouring  cabins,  and  the  painful  absence 
of  his  usual  present  of  bear-hams,  Mik-hoo-tah  bid  fair  to 
suffer  that  fate  most  terrible  to  aspiring  ambitionists — for- 
getfulness  during  life.  The  sun,  in  despair  at  the  stern 
necessity  which  compelled  him  to  yield  up  his  tender 
offspring,  day,  to  the  gloomy  grave  of  darkness,  had 
stretched  forth  his  long  arms,  and,  with  the  tenacity  of  a 
drowning  man  clinging  to  a  straw,  had  clutched  the  ten- 
der whispering  straw-like  topmost  branches  of  the  trees — ■ 
in  other  words  it  was  near  sunset — when  I  arrived  at 
home  from  a  long  wearisome  semi-ride-and-swim  through 
the  swamp.  Receiving  a  negative  to  my  inquiry  whether 
there  were  any  new  calls,  I  was  felicitating  myself  upon 
a  quiet  night  beside  my  tidy  bachelor  hearth,  undisturbed 
by  crying  children,  babbling  women,  or  amorous  cats — 
the  usual  accompaniments  of  married  life — when,  like  a 
poor  henpecked  Benedick  crying  for  peace  when  there  is 
no  peace,  I  was  doomed  to  disappointment.  Hearing  the 
splash  of  a  paddle  in  the  bayou  running  before  the  door, 
I  turned  my  head  towards  the  bank,  and  soon  beheld, 
first  the  tail  of  a  coon,  next  his  body,  a  human  face,  and, 
the  top  of  the  bank  being  gained,  a  full-proportioned  form 
clad  in  the  garments  which,  better  than  any  printed  label, 
wrote  him  down  raftsman,  trapper,  bear-hunter.  He  was 
a  messenger  from  the  indefatigable  bear-hunter,  Mik-hoo- 
tah.  Asking  him  what  was  the  matter,  as  soon  as  he 
could  get  the  knots  untied  which  two-thirds  drunkenness 
had  made  in  his  tongue,  he  informed  me,  to  my  sincere 
regret,  that  Mik  went  out  that  morning  on  a  bear-hunt, 
and  in  a  fight  with  one  had  got  his  leg  broke  all  to  flin- 
ders, if  possible  worse  than  the  other,  and  that  he  wanted 
me  to  come   quickly.     Getting  into  the  canoe,  which 


THE   INDEFATIGABLE    BEAR-HUNTER.  169 

awaited  me,  I  wrapped  myself  in  my  blanket,  and  yielding 
to  my  fatigue,  was  soon  fast  asleep.  I  did  not  awaken 
until  the  canoe  striking  against  the  bank,  as  it  landed  at 
Mik's  pre-emption,  nearly  threw  me  in  the  bayou,  and 
entirely  succeeded  with  regard  to  my  half-drunken  pad- 
dler,  who — like  the  sailor  who  circumnavigated  the  world 
and  then  was  drowned  in  a  puddle-hole  in  his  own  gar- 
den— had  escaped  all  the  perils  of  the  tortuous  bayou  to 
be  pitched  overboard  when  there  was  nothing  to  do  but 
step  out  and  tie  the  dug-out.  Assisting  him  out  of  the 
water,  we  proceeded  to  the  house,  when,  to  my  indigna- 
tion, I  learnt  that  the  drunken  messenger  had  given  me  the 
long  trip  for  nothing,  Mik  only  wanting  me  to  make  him 
a  new  wooden  leg,  the  old  one  having  been  completely 
demolished  that  morning. 

Relieving  myself  by  a  satisfactory  oath,  I  would  have 
returned  that  night,  but  the  distance  was  too  great  for  one 
fatigued  as  I  was,  so  I  had  to  content  myself  with  such 
accommodations  as  Mik's  cabin  afforded,  which,  to  one 
blessed  like  myself  with  the  happy  faculty  of  ready 
adaptation  to  circumstances,  was  not  a  very  difficult  task. 

I  was  surprised  to  perceive  the  change  in  Mik's  appear- 
ance. From  nearly  a  giant,  he  had  wasted  to  a  mere  huge 
bony  frame-work  ;  the  skin  of  his  face  clung  tightly  to 
the  bones,  and  showed  nothing  of  those  laughter-moving 
features  that  were  wont  to  adorn  his  visage  ;  only  his  eye 
remained  unchanged,  and  it  had  lost  none  of  its  brilliancy 
— the  flint  had  lost  none  of  its  fire. 

"  What  on  earth  is  the  matter  with  you,  Mik  ?  I  have 
never  seen  any  one  fall  off  so  fast ;  you  have  wasted  to  a 
skeleton — surely  you  must  have  the  consumption." 

"  Do  you  think  so,  Doc  ?  I'll  soon  show  you  whether 
the  old  bellows  has  lost  any  of  its  force !"  and  hopping  to 
the  door,  which  he  threw  wide  open,  he  gave  a  death-hug 


170  THE   INDEFATIGABLE    BEAR- HUNTER. 

rally  to  his  dogs,  in  such  a  loud  and  piercing  tone,  that  I 
imagined  a  steam  whistle  was  being  discharged  in  my 
ear,  and  for  several  moments  could  hear  nothing  dis- 
tinctly. 

"  That  will  do !  stop  !"  I  yelled,  as  I  saw  Mik  drawing 
in  his  breath  preparatory  to  another  effort  of  his  vocal 
strength  ;  "  I  am  satisfied  you  have  not  got  consumption  ; 
but  what  has  wasted  you  so,  Mik?  Surely,  you  ain't  in 
love  ?" 

"  Love!  h-11 !  you  don't  suppose,  Doc,  even  if  I  was 
'tarmined  to  make  a  cussed  fool  of  myself,  that  there  is 
any  gal  in  the  swamp  that  could  stand  that  hug,  do 
you?"  and  catching  up  a  huge  bull-dog,  who  lay  bask- 
ing himself  by  the  fire,  he  gave  him  such  a  squeeze 
that  the  animal  yelled  with  pain,  and  for  a  few  moments 
appeared  dead.  "No,  Doc,  it's  grief,  pure  sorrur,  sor- 
rur,  Doc!  when  I  looks  at  what  I  is  now  and  what  I 
used  to  be !  Jes  think,  Doc,  of  the  fust  hunter  in  the 
swamp  having  his  sport  spilte,  like  bar-meat  in  summer 
without  salt!  Jes  think  of  a  man  standin'  up  one  day 
and  blessing  old  Master  for  having  put  bar  in  creation, 
and  the  next  cussing  high  heaven  and  low  h-11  'cause 
he  couldn't  'sist  in  puttin'  them  out !  Warn't  it  enough 
to  bring  tears  to  the  eyes  of  an  Injun  tater,  much  less  take 
the  fat  off  a  bar-hunter?  Doc,  I  fell  off  like  'simmons 
arter  frost,  and  folks  as  doubted  me,  needn't  had  asked 
whether  I  war  'ceitful  or  not,  for  they  could  have  seed 
plum  threw  me!  The  bar  and  painter  got  so  saucy  that 
they'd  cum  to  the  tother  side  of  the  bayou  and  see  which 
could  talk  the  impudentest!  '  Don't  you  want  some  bar- 
meat  or  painter  blanket  ?'  they'd  ask  ;  '  bars  is  monstrous 
fat,  and  painter's  hide  is  mighty  warm!'  Oh!  Doc,  I 
was  a  miserable  man!  The  sky  warn't  blue  for  me,  the 
sun  war  always  cloudy,  and  the  shade-trees  gin  no  shade 


THE    INDEFATIGABLE    BEAR-HUNTER.  171 

for  me.  Even  the  dogs  forgot  me,  and  the  little  children 
quit  coming  and  asking,  <  Please,  Mr.  Bar-Grave,  cotch 
me  a  young  bar  or  a  painter  kitten.'  Doc,  the  tears  would 
cum  in  my  eyes  and  the  hot  blood  would  cum  biling  up 
from  my  heart,  when  I'd  hobble  out  of  a  sundown  and 
hear  the  boys  tell,  as  they  went  by,  of  the  sport  they'd 
had  that  day,  and  how  the  bar  fit  'fore  he  was  killed,  and 
how  fat  he  war  arter  he  was  slayed.  Long  arter  they  was 
gone,  and  the  whip-poor-will  had  eat  up  their  voices,  I 
would  sit  out  there  on  the  old  stump,  and  think  of  the 
things  that  used  to  hold  the  biggest  place  in  my  mind 
when  I  was  a  boy,  and  p'raps  sense  I've  bin  a  man. 

"I'd  heard  tell  of  distinction  and  fame,  and  people's 
names  never  dying,  and  how  Washington  and  Franklin, 
and  Clay  and  Jackson,  and  a  heap  of  political  dicshunary- 
folks,  would  live  when  their  big  hearts  had  crumbled  down 
to  a  rifle-charge  of  dust ;  and  I  begun,  too,  to  think,  Doc, 
what  a  pleasant  thing  it  would  be  to  know  folks  a  million 
years  off  would  talk  of  me  like  them,  and  it  made  me 
'tannine  to  'stinguish  myself,  and  have  my  name  put  in  a 
book  with  a  yaller  kiver.  I  warn't  a  genus,  Doc,  I  nude 
that,  nor  I  warn't  dicshunary ;  so  I  detarmined  to  strike  out 
in  a  new  track  for  glory,  and  'title  myself  to  be  called  the 
<  bear-hunter  of  Ameriky.'  Doc,  my  heart  jumpt  up,  and 
I  belted  my  hunting-shirt  tighter  for  fear  it  would  lepe  out 
when  I  fust  spoke  them  words  out  loud. 

"  '  The  bar-hunter  of  Ameriky!'  Doc,  you  know  whe- 
ther I  war  ernin'  the  name  when  I  war  ruined.  There  is 
not  a  child,  white,  black,  Injun,  or  nigger,  from  the  Ar- 
kansas line  to  Trinity,  but  what  has  heard  of  me,  and  I 
were  happy  when" — here  a  tremor  of  his  voice  and  a  tear 
glistening  in  the  glare  of  the  fire  told  the  old  fellow's 
emotion — "  when — .but  les  take  a  drink — Doc,  I  found  I 
was  dying — I  war  gettin'  weaker  and  weaker — I  nude 


172  THE    INDEFATIGABLE   BEAR-HUNTER. 

your  truck  warn't  what  I  needed,  or  I'd  sent  for  you.  A 
bar-hunt  war  the  medsin  that  my  systum  required,  a  fust 
class  bar-hunt,  the  music  of  the  dogs,  the  fellers  a  scream- 
ing, the  cane  poppin',  the  rifles  crackin',  the  bar  growl- 
in',  the  fight  hand  to  hand,  slap  goes  his  paw,  and  a 
dog's  hide  hangs  on  one  cane  and  his  body  on  another, 
the  knife  glistenin'  and  then  goin'  plump  up  to  the  handle 
in  his  heart! — Oh!  Doc,  this  was  what  I  needed,  and  I 
swore,  since  death  were  huggin'  me,  anyhow,  I  mite  as 
well  feel  his  last  grip  in  a  bar-hunt. 

"  I  seed  the  boys  goin'  long  one  day,  and  haled  them  to 
wait  awhile,  as  I  believed  I  would  go  along  too.  I  war 
frade  if  I  kept  out  of  a  hunt  much  longer  I  wood  get 
outen  practis.  They  laughed  at  me,  thinkin'  I  war  jokin' ; 
for  wat  cood  a  sick,  old,  one-legged  man  do  in  a  bar- 
hunt  ?  how  cood  he  get  threw  the  swamp,  and  vines, 
and  canes,  and  backwater?  and  s'pose  he  mist  the  bar, 
how  war  he  to  get  outen  the  way  ? 

"  But  I  war  'tarmined  on  goin' ;  my  dander  was  up,  and 
I  swore  I  wood  go,  tellin'  them  if  I  coodent  travel  'bout 
much,  I  could  take  a  stand.  Seein'  it  war  no  use  tryin' 
to  'swade  me,  they  saddled  my  poney,  and  off  we  started. 
I  felt  better  right  off.  I  knew  I  cuddent  do  much  in  the 
chase,  so  I  told  the  fellers  I  would  go  to  the  cross-path 
stand,  and  wate  for  the  bar,  as  he  would  be  sarten  to 
cum  by  thar.  You  have  never  seed  the  cross-path  stand, 
Doc.  It's  the  singularest  place  in  the  swamp.  It's  rite 
in  the  middle  of  a  canebrake,  thicker  than  har  on  a  bar- 
hide,  down  in  a  deep  sink,  that  looks  like  the  devil  had 
cummenst  diggin'  a  skylite  for  his  pre-emption.  I  knew 
it  war  a  dangersome  place  for  a  well  man  to  go  in,  much 
less  a  one-leg  cripple ;  but  I  wrar  'tarmined  that  time  to 
give  a  deal  on  the  dead  wood,  and  play  my  hand  out. 
The  boys  gin  me  time  to  get  to  the  stand,  and  then  cum- 


THE    INDEFATIGABLE    BEAR-HUNTER.  173 

raenst  the  drive.  The  bar  seemed  'tarmined  on  disap- 
pinting  me,  for  the  fust  thing  I  heard  of  the  dogs  and  bar, 
they  was  outen  hearing.  Everything  got  quiet,  and  I 
got  so  wrathy  at  not  being  able  to  foller  up  the  chase, 
that  I  cust  till  the  trees  cummenst  shedding  their  leaves 
and  small  branches,  when  I  herd  them  lumbrin  back, 
and  I  nude  they  war  makin'  to  me.  I  primed  old  '  bar 
death'  fresh,  and  rubbed  the  frizin,  for  it  war  no  time  for 
rifle  to  get  to  snappin'.  Thinks  I,  if  I  happen  to  miss, 
I'll  try  what  virtue  there  is  in  a  knife — when,  Doc,  my 
knife  war  gone.  H-ll !  bar,  for  God's  sake  have  a  soft 
head,  and  die  easy,  for  I  canH  run ! 

"  Doc,  you've  hearn  a  bar  bustin'  threw  a  cane-brake, 
and  know  how  near  to  a  harrycane  it  is.  I  almost  cum- 
menst dodgin'  the  trees,  thinkin'  it  war  the  best  in  the 
shop  one  a  comin',  for  it  beat  the  loudest  thunder  ever 
I  heard  ;  that  ole  bar  did,  comin'  to  get  his  death  from  an 
ole,  one-legged  cripple,  what  had  slayed  more  of  his  breth- 
ren than  his  nigger  foot  had  ever  made  trax  in  the  mud. 
Doc,  he  heerd  a  monstrus  long  ways  ahead  of  the  dogs.  I 
warn't  skeered,  but  I  must  own,  as  I  had  but  one  shot, 
an'  no  knife,  I  wud  have  prefurd  they  had  been  closer. 
But  here  he  cum!  he  bar — big  as  a  bull — boys  off  h— 11- 
wards — dogs  nowhar — no  knife — but  one  shot — and  only 
one  leg  that  cood  run  ! 

"  The  bar  'peered  s'prised  to  see  me  standin'  ready  for 
him  in  the  openin' ;  for  it  war  currently  reported  'mong 
his  brethren  that  I  war  either  dead,  or  no  use  for  bar.  I 
thought  fust  he  war  skeered  ;  and,  Doc,  I  b'leve  he  war, 
till  he  cotch  a  sight  of  my  wooden  leg,  and  that  toch  his 
pride,  for  he  knew  he  would  be  hist  outen  every  she  bear's 
company,  ef  he  run  from  a  poor,  sickly,  one-legged  cripple, 
so  on  he  cum,  a  small  river  of  slobber  pourin  from  his 
mouth,  and  the  blue  smoke  curlin  outen  his  ears.     I  tuck 


174  THE    INDEFATIGABLE    BEAR-HUNTER. 

good  aim  at  his  left,  and  let  drive.  The  ball  struck  him 
on  the  eyebrow,  and  glanced  off,  only  stunnin'  him  for  a 
moment,  jes  givin'  me  time  to  club  my  rifle,  an'  on  he 
kum,  as  fierce  as  old  grizzly.  As  he  got  in  reach,  I  gin 
him  a  lick  'cross  the  temples,  brakin'  the  stock  in  fifty 
pieces,  an'  knockin'  him  senseless.  I  struv  to  foller  up 
the  lick,  when,  Doc,  I  war  fast — my  timber  toe  had  run 
inter  the  ground,  and  I  cuddent  git  out,  though  I  jerked 
hard  enuf  almost  to  bring  my  thigh  out  of  joint.  I  stuped 
to  unscrew  the  infurnal  thing,  when  the  bar  cum  too,  and 
cum  at  me  agen.  Vim  !  I  tuck  him  over  the  head,  and, 
cochunk,  he  keeled  over.  H-ll !  but  I  cavorted  and 
pitched.  Thar  war  my  wust  enemy,  watin'  for  me  to  giv 
him  a  finisher,  an'  I  cuddent  git  at  him.  I'd  cummense 
unscrewin'  leg — here  cum  bar — vim — cochunk — he'd  fall 
out  of  reach — and,  Doc,  I  cuddent  git  to  him.  I  kept  work- 
in'  my  body  round,  so  as  to  unscrew  the  leg,  and  keep 
the  bar  off  till  I  cood  'complish  it,  when  jes  as  I  tuck  the 

last  turn,  and  got  loose  from  the  d d  thing,  here  cum 

bar,  more  venimous  than  ever,  and  I  nude  thar  war  death 
to  one' out,  and  comin'  shortly.  I  let  him  get  close,  an' 
then  cum  down  with  a  perfect  tornado  on  his  head,  as  I 
thought ;  but  the  old  villin  had  learnt  the  dodge — the^bar- 
rel  jes  struck  him  on  the  side  of  the  head,  and  glanst  off, 
slinging  itself  out  of  my  hands  bout  twenty  feet  'mongst 
the  thick  cane,  and  thar  I  war  in  a  fix  sure.  Bar  but 
little  hurt — no  gun — no  knife — no  dogs — no  frens — no 
chance  to  climb — an'  only  one  leg  that  cood  run.  Doc,  I 
jes  cummenst  makin'  'pologies  to  ole  Master,  when  an 
idee  struck  me.  Doc,  did  you  ever  see  a  piney  woods 
nigger  pullin  at  a  sassafras  root?  or  a  suckin'  pig  in  a 
tater  patch  arter  the  big  yams  ?  You  has  !  Well,  you  can 
'magin  how  I  jurkt  at  that  wudden  leg,  for  it  war  the  last 
of  pea-time  with  me,  sure,  if  I  didn't  rise  'fore  bar  did. 


THE    INDEFATIGABLE    BEAR-HUXTER.  175 

At  last,  they  both  cum.  up,  bout  the  same  time,  and  I 
braced  myself  for  a  death  struggle. 

"  We  fit  all  round  that  holler!  Fust  I'd  foller  bar,  and 
then  bar  would  chase  me  !  I'd  make  a  lick,  he'd  fend 
off,  and  showin'  a  set  of  teeth  that  no  doctor,  'cept  natur, 
had  ever  wurkt  at,  cum  tearin'  at  me  !  We  both  'gan  to 
git  tired,  I  heard  the  boys  and  dogs  cumin',  so  did  bar, 
and  we  were  both  anxshus  to  bring  the  thing  to  a  close 
'fore  they  cum  up,  though  I  wuddent  thought  they  were 
intrudin'  ef  they  had  cum  up  some  time  afore. 

"  I'd  worn  the  old  leg  pretty  well  off  to  the  second  jint, 
when,  jest  'fore  I  made  a  lick,  the  noise  of  the  boys  and 
the  dogs  cummin'  sorter  confused  bar,  and  he  made  a 
stumble,  and  bein'  off  his  guard  I  got  a  fair  lick !  The  way 
that  bar's  flesh  giv  in  to  the  soft  impresshuns  of  that  leg 
war  an  honor  to  the  mederkal  perfeshun  for  having  in- 
vented sich  a  weepun  !  I  hollered — but  you  have  heered 
me  holler  an'  I  won't  describe  it — I  had  whipped  a  bar  in 
a  fair  hand  to  hand  fight — me,  an  old  sickly  one-legged 
bar-hunter!  The  boys  cum  up,  and,  when  they  seed  the 
ground  we  had  fit  over,  they  swore  they  would  hav  thought, 
'stead  of  a  bar-fight,  that  I  had  been  cuttin'  cane  and 
deadenin'  timber  for  a  corn-patch,  the  sile  war  so  worked 
up,  they  then  handed  me  a  knife  to  finish  the  work. 

"  Doc,  les  licker,  it's  a  dry  talk — when  will  you  make 
me  another  leg  ?  for  bar-meat  is  not  over  plenty  in  the 
cabin,  and  I  feel  like  tryin'  another !" 


LOVE  IN  A  GARDEN. 

In  the  whole  range  of  human  attributes  there  are  not 
two  more  antagonistical  qualities  than  courage  and  coward- 
ice ;  yet,  how  frequently  we  find  them  existing  in  the 
same  person,  ensconced  under  the  same  coat  of  skin  !  In 
the  form  that  contains  a  spirit  that  would  face  with  un- 
blenching  eye  the  fiercest  peril  of  man's  existence,  we 
will  often  discover  a  timorous  sprite,  who  hems  and  hesi- 
tates, and  falters  and  trembles,  at  an  enemy  no  more  formi- 
dable than  a  pair  of  soft  blue  eyes,  pouring  their  streams 
of  liquid  subduing  tenderness,  or  else  a  brace  of  piercing 
black  orbits,  which,  like  the  fire  of  the  ancient  Greeks, 
burn  the  fiercer  for  the  water  which  love  pours  over  them, 
in  the  shape  of  tears. 

And,  odd  as  it  may  seem,  this  discordant  association 
of  heroism  and  timidity  is  not  found  in  weak  effeminate 
nervous  men,  but  in  those  whose  almost  gigantic  propor- 
tions, eagle  eye,  and  dauntless  bearing  convey  any  idea 
but  that  there  is  stuff  for  trembling  in  their  stalwart 
frames.  But  they  are  the  ones  who  generally  manifest 
the  greatest  cowardice — place  them  before  a  battery  of 
girls'  eyes,  and  it  proves  literally  a  gal-xanic  battery, 
shocking  them  to  such  a  degree  that  they  usually  do 
something  they  never  intended,  and  say  things  that  they 
never  meant.  Let  one  of  these  animals  be  in  love,  and 
what  a  mess  he  generally  makes  of  the  affair!  Did  you 
ever  know  one  to  "pop  the  question"  in  a  respectable 
civilized  manner? — That  is,  if  he  ever  exalted  his  courage 
sufficiently  to  get  that  near  to  matrimony.     My  word  for 

(176) 


LOVE    IN    A    GARDEN.  177 

it — never.  No  suit  for  breach  of  promise  could  be  ever 
brought  against  one  of  them — for  such  is  the  non-com- 
mittalism of  their  incoherency,  that  no  woman,  on  her 
oath,  could  avow,  even  were  they  conjugated  at  the  time, 
that  he  ever  asked  her  to  marry  him  ;  the  intuitive  feeling 
of  her  sex  alone  enabled  her  to  draw  the  idea  that  he  was 
addressing  her,  from  the  mass  of  his  discordant,  incohe- 
rent, lingual  ramblings,  when  the  question  was  being 
popped. 

This  philosophizing  is  intended  as  a  preface  or  pre- 
monitory symptom  of  a  story,  illustrative  of  the  trait; 
which,  like  measles,  when  repelled  by  cold  air,  has  struck 
in  upon  my  memory,  and  which,  carrying  out  the  idea, 
requires,  like  the  aforesaid  measles,  to  be  brought  to  the 
surface  in  order  that  I  may  feel  relieved. 

Among  the  many  acquaintances  that  my  profession 
enabled  me  to  make  in  the  swamp,  no  one  afforded  mo 
more  pleasure  than  Jerry  Wilson,  the  son  of  a  small 
planter  resident  some  few  miles  from  my  shingle.  There 
was  something  so  manly  and  frank  in  his  bearing  that  our 
feelings  were  irresistibly  attracted  towards  him.  In  my  case 
it  proved  to  be  mutual :  he  seemed  to  take  the  same  inte- 
rest in  me,  and  we  soon  became  bosom  friends.  A  severe 
attack  of  congestive  fever  that  I  carried  him  through 
successfully,  riveted  him  to  me  for  ever ;  and  Jerry,  upon 
all  and  every  occasion,  stood  ready  to  take  up  the  gaunt- 
let in  my  defence,  as  willingly  as  in  his  own.  Being  very 
popular  in  the  neighbourhood,  he  became  of  great  assist- 
ance to  me,  by  advocating  my  cause,  and  extending,  by 
his  favourable  representations,  my  circle  of  practice. 

The  plantation  adjoining  Jerry's  father's  was  possessed 
by  an  old,  broken-down  Virginian,  who,  having  dissipated 
one  fortune  in  conforming  to  the  requirements  of  fashion- 
able life,  had  come  into  the  swamp,  to  endure  its  many 


178  LOVE    IN    A    GARDEN. 

privations,  in  order  that  he.  might  recruit  his  impoverished 
finances. 

Adversity,  or  something  better,  had  taught  him  the 
folly  of  the  prominent  foible  of  the  Virginian — insane 
state  pride,  and  consequent  individual  importance.  His 
mind  was  prepared  to  test  men  by  the  proper  criterion — ■ 
merit,  without  regard  to  the  adventitious  circumstances 
of  birth,  wealth,  or  nativity. 

Major  Smith  deserves  the  meed,  I  believe,  for  being 
the  first  one  of  the  race  to  acknowledge  that  he  was  not 
an  F.  F. ;  which  confession,  showing  his  integrity  of  cha- 
racter, proved  to  me  that  he  really  was  one  of  the  very 
first  of  the  land.  But,  in  describing  the  father,  I  am  ne- 
glecting by  far  the  most  interesting,  if  not  the  most  im- 
portant character  of  the  story — his  daughter — a  sweet 
blooming  girl  of  seventeen,  at  the  time  of  which  I  write. 
Ah  !  she  was  the  bright  exemplar  of  her  sex !  Look  in 
her  eye — so  luminous,  yet  so  tender,  and  far  down  in  its 
dreamy  still  waters,  you  could  see  the  gems  of  purity  and 
feeling  glimmering ;  listen  to  her  voice — and  never  yet 
forest  bird,  on  the  topmost  leafy  bough,  gave  forth  such 
a  gush  of  melody,  as  when  it  rose  and  melted  away  in  a 
laugh  ;  her  modesty  and  timidity — you  have  seen  the 
wild  fawn,  when,  pausing  on  the  brink  of  some  placid,  lake, 
it  sees  its  beautiful  image  reflected  in  the  waters — thus 
shrank  she,  as  if  into  herself,  when  voice  of  love,  or  praise, 
or  admiration  stole  into  her  ears — and  yet,  with  all  her 
maidenly  reserve  and  timidity,  she  loved  and  was  beloved. 
Knowing  that  I  am  a  bachelor,  think  not,  in  this  recital, 
that  my  swelling  heart  is  tearing  open  anew  wounds  which 
time  and  philosophy  have  just  enabled  me  to  heal.  No! 
my  fair  friend — for  friend  she  was,  and  is — never  kindled 
in  my  heart  the  flames  of  love,  or  heard  aught  of  the  soft 
impeachment  from  me ;  for,  long  before  I  had  seen  her, 


LOVE    IN    A    GARDEN.  179 

the  "  Swamp  Doctor"  had  wedded  his  books  and  calling 
■ — rather  a  frigid  bride,  but  not  an  unprolific  one,  and  her 
yearly  increase,  instead  of  bringing  lines  of  anxiety  to  my 
brow,  smooths  the  wrinkles  that  care  and  deep  thought — ■ 
certainly  it  cannot  be  age — Lord !  Lord !  I  have  broken 
my  wig  spring — have  dropped  upon  my  visage ! 

My  friend  Jerry  was  the  favoured  mortal,  and,  without 
doubt,  in  an  equal  intensity  reciprocated  her  love  ;  but 
cowardice  had  hitherto  prevented  an  avowal  upon  his 
part,  and  the  two  lovers,  therefore,  dwelt  in  a  delicious 
state  of  uncertainty  and  suspense.  No  one,  to  know 
Jerry,  as  the  majority  of  men  —  going  through  the  world 
with  their  noses  either  too  elevated  or  too  depressed  for 
observation — know  their  kind,  would  have  thought  him  a 
coward :  but  I  knew,  that,  as  respected  women,  a  more 
arrant  poltroon  did  not  exist.  He  would  have  met  an\ 
peril  that  resolution,  strength,  or  a  contempt  for  life  couh 
overcome,  without  fear  of  the  consequences  or  the  leas! 
tremor ;  and  yet  he  dared  not  for  his  life  tell  a  pretty  giri 
"that  he  loved  her,  and  would  be  highly  pleased,  and 
sorter  tickled,  too,  if  she  would  marry  him."  There  was 
something  more  terrible  in  the  idea  of  such  an  avowal, 
than  fighting  bears,  hugging  Indians,  or  strangling  pan- 
thers. 

The  poor  girl,  with  the  intuitive  perception  of  her  sex, 
had  long  perceived  that  Jerry  loved  her  as  ardently  as  if 
the  avowal  on  his  part  had  already  been  made.  Almost 
daily  she  saw  him,  eagerly  she  awaited  a  declaration,  but 
poor  Jerry  never  could  get  his  courage  to  the  sticking 
point ;  like  Bob  Acres,  it  would  ooze  out  at  his  fingers' 
points,  in  spite  of  himself  and  his  determination  to  bring 
things  to  the  condition  of  a  fixed  fact. 

Matters  were  in  this  state  when  I  became  fully  ac- 
quainted with  them ;  she  was  willing,  he  was  willing,  and 


180  LOVE    IN    A    GARDEN. 

yet,  if  they  kept  on  in  the  way  tliey  were  pursuing,  they 
both  bid  fair  to  remain  in  single  blessedness  for  a  long 
time  to  come.  Deeply  interested  in  the  welfare  of  both 
parties,  I  thought  I  could  not  manifest  my  sympathy  bet- 
ter than  by  kindly  intervening  and  producing  that  crisis 
which  I  knew  would  accord  with  the  feelings  of  both. 

A  slight  attack  of  fever  of  the  lady's,  not  requiring  me 
dical  aid,  but  which  a  father's  fears  magnified,  and  would 
not  be  allayed  until  I  had  been  sent  for,  introduced  me 
fully  to  the  confidence  of  the  daughter ;  and  a  trite  experi- 
ment, which  I  tried  upon  her,  convinced  me  that  all  that 
my  friend  Jerry  had  to  do  was  to  ask,  and  it  would  be 
given. 

Holding  my  fair  patient's  hand,  which,  resting  in  mine, 
looked  like  a  pearl  in  a  setting  of  jet,  I  placed  my  fingers 
upon  her  pulse,  and,  whilst  pretending  to  number  it,  acci- 
dentally, as  it  were,  mentioned  Jerry's  name— the  sudden 
thrill  that  pervaded  the  artery  assured  me  that  she  loved 
■ — lifting  my  eyes  to  her  face,  I  gave  her  an  expressive 
look,  which  suffused  her  beauteous  countenance,  as  if  she 
was  passing  into  the  second  stage  of  scarlet  fever. 

My  next  duty  was  to  seek  Jerry.  I  found  him  seated 
on  a  log,  under  a  shady  willow  by  the  edge  of  the  bayou, 
pole  in  hand,  assuming  to  be  angling.  The  tense  state 
of  his  line,  and  an  occasional  quiver  of  the  pole,  indi- 
cated that  a  fish  was  hooked.  Passing  unnoticed  by  him, 
a  stranger  would  have  come  to  one  of  three  conclusions : 
that  he  was  deranged,  in  love,  or  a  born  fool. 

Walking  up  to  him  briskly,  without  his  hearing  me, 
although  I  made  considerable  noise  getting  down  the 
bank,  I  slapped  him  on  the  shoulder  to  engage  his  atten- 
tion, and,  as  I  had  several  patients  to  visit,  and  time  was 
precious,  without  waiting  for  the  usual  salutations  of  the 


LOVE    IN    A    GARDEN.  1S1 

day,  commenced  my  address  in  a  real  quarter  racp 
manner: — 

"Jerry,  for  a  sensible  man,  and  a  fellow  of  courage, 
you  are  the  d — dest  fool  and  coward  unhung.  You  love 
a  girl — the  girl  loves  you.  You  know  that  the  old  people 
are  willing,  and  that  the  girl  is  only  waiting  for  you 
to  pop  the  question,  to  say  '  Yes !'  and  yet,  instead  of 
having  the  thing  over,  like  white  folks,  and  becoming  the 
head  of  a  respectable  family,  here  you  sit,  like  a  knot  on 
a  tree,  with  the  moss  commencing  to  grow  on  your  back, 
pretending  to  be  fishing,  and  yet  not  knowing  that  a  big 
cat  is  almost  breaking  your  line  to  shivers. 

«  Now  I  want  to  do  you  a  service,  and  you  must  take 
my  advice.  Jerk  that  fish  out,  take  the  hook  out  of  hid 
mouth,  and  then  put  him  back  in  the  bayou — perhaps  his 
sweetheart  was  waiting  for  him  when  he  got  hung ;  and 
as  you  are  in  a  like  predicament,  you  should  be  able  to 
say  to  the  gal,  <  That  mercy  I  to  others  show,  that  mercy 
show  to  me !'  Go  home,  put  on  a  clean  shirt,  shave 
that  hair  off  your  face  and  upper  lip  ;  for  a  sensible  woman 
never  yet  accepted  a  man,  with  nothing  but  the  tip  of  his 
nose  visible  from  its  wilderness  of  hair.  Dress  yourself 
decently,  go  up  to  old  Smith's,  wait  till  you  get  rested, 
then  ask  the  girl  to  take  a  walk  in  the  garden — gardens 
are  a  h-11  of  a  place  to  make  love  in — to  look  at  the  flow- 
ers, to  eat  radishes,  to  pluck  grapes — anything  for  an  ex- 
cuse to  get  her  there — and  when  you  have  got  her  under 
the  arbour,  don't  fall  on  your  knees,  or  any  of  your  fool 
novel  notions,  but  stand  straight  up  before  her,  take  both 
of  her  hands  in  yours,  look  her  dead  in  the  eyes,  and  ask 
her,  in  a  bold,  manly  way — as  if  you  were  pricing  pork — 
to  marry  you.  Will  you  do  it  ?  Speak  quick !  I'm  in- 
terested in  the  matter,  for  if  you  don't  do  it  to-day,  by  the 
Lord,  I  will,  for  myself,  to  morrow.     I  have  held  off  for 


182  LOVE    IN    A    GARDEN. 

you  long  enough ;  and  if  you  don't  bring  matters  to  a 
close,  as  I  say,  in  the  next  twenty-four  hours,  as  cold 
weather  is  coming  on,  I'll  try  my  hand  myself  in  the 
courting  line — you  know  doctors  are  the  very  devil 
amongst  the  women  !" 

This  method  of  address  alarmed  Jerry,  and  he  promised 
he  would  do  as  I  directed. 

Accompanying  him  home,  I  saw  him  fairly  dressed, 
and  then  left  him,  as  the  demands  of  my  patients  were 
urgent. 

Jerry  mounted  his  steed,  and  set  off  at  a  brisk  canter 
for  Major  Smith's.  It  was  only  a  mile  and  a  half,  and 
would  have  been  travelled  in  a  quarter  of  an  hour,  had 
the  steed  kept  his  gait.  But,  somehow,  as  the  distance 
shortened,  the  canter  ceased,  and  a  pace  superseded  it ; 
the  last  half,  his  rate  had  moderated  to  a  walk ;  and  when 
he  made  the  last  turn  in  the  road,  his  horse  was  browsing 
the  grass  and  cane.  Up  to  the  last  few  hundred  yards, 
Jerry  was  as  brave  as  a  panther  with  cubs,  and  deter- 
mined on  following  out  my  prescription  to  the  letter;  but 
the  moment  the  house,  with  its  white  chimneys,  com- 
menced appearing  round  the  bend  of  the  bayou,  the  white 
pin  feathers  began  to  peep  out  in  his  heart,  and  verily, 
nothing,  I  believe,  but  my  threat,  if  he  proved  recreant 
to-day,  of  courting  her  mysdf  on  the  morrow,  kept  him 
from  giving  up  the  chase,  and  retracing  his  steps  home. 

But  the  house  was  reached,  and  the  hearty  voice  of 
the  Major,  bidding  him  alight,  cut  off  all  retreat.  He 
was  fairlj  in  it. 

Jerry  got  down,  left  the  yard  gate  carefully  open  behind 
him,  led  his  horse  up  the  Major's  fine  grass- walk  to  the 
steps,  and  was  about  bringing  him  with  him  into  the 
house,  when  a  servant  relieved  him  of  the  task  by  carry- 
ing the  steed  to  the  stable.     Not  noticing  the  air  of  as- 


LOVE    IN    A    GARDEN.  183 

tonishment  with  which  the  old  Major  was  regarding  him, 
he  shook  hands  with  the  negro  for  Major  Smith,  and  bow- 
ing to  a  large  yellow  water-jar,  addressed  it  as  "  Miss 
Mary,"  and  then  finished  the  performances  by  sitting 
down  in  a  large  basket  of  eggs ;  the  sudden  yielding  of 
his  seat,  and  the  laughter  of  both  father  and  daughter, 
aroused  him  to  a  full  consciousness  of  how  ridiculously  he 
was  acting.  His  apologies  and  explanations  only  served  to 
render  bad  worse,  and  he  therefore  wisely  determined  to 
take  a  chair  and  say  nothing  more.  Dinner  was  shortly 
announced,  and  this  he  concluded  in  very  respectable  style, 
without  making  any  more  serious  mistake  than  eating 
cabbage  with  a  spoon,  or  helping  the  lady  to  the  drum- stick 
of  the  chicken.  A  cigar  was  smoked  after  dinner,  and 
then  the  old  Major,  giving  a  shrewd  guess  how  the  land  lay, 
declared  that  he  must  take  his  afternoon  nap,  and  retired, 
leaving  the  field  to  Jerry  and  the  daughter.  "  Now  or 
never,"  was  the  motto  with  Jerry. 

The  old  Major,  in  addition  to  planting  cotton,  and  re- 
trieving a  dissipated  fortune,  was  a  great  dabbler  in  hor- 
ticulture, and  had  bestowed  great  attention  upon  the  cul- 
tivation of  the  grape.  By  much  care  and  grafting,  he 
had  so  improved  upon  the  common  varieties  of  the  country 
as  to  render  them  but  slightly  inferior  to  the  choicest 
foreign  specimens.  An  extensive  arbour  was  in  the  mid- 
dle of  the  garden — the  finest  and  most  extensive  in  the 
swamp — and  this  was  literally  covered  with  the  ruddy 
clusters  of  grapes,  now  in  the  fullest  tide  of  ripeness. 

"  Now  or  never,"  I  say,  was  the  word  with  Jerry. 
Making  a  desperate  effort,  he  faltered  out,  "Miss  Mary, 
your  father  has  a  very  fine  garden!  shall  we  go  look  at 
the  grapes  ?  I  am  very  fond  of  them,  Miss  Mary  !  do  you 
like  grapes,  Miss  Mary?  Ha!  ha!" — the  cold  sweat 
bursting  out  from  every  pore. 


184  LOVE    IN    A    GARDEN. 

"  Very  much,  Mr.  Wilson,  and  pa's  are  really  very 
fine,  considering  that  they  have  not  the  quality  of  being 
exotics  to  recommend  them  to  our  taste.  I  will  accom- 
pany you  to  taste  them  with  much  pleasure,"  replied  Miss 
Mary;  and  tripping  into  the  house,  soon  appeared,  with  the 
sweetest  little  sun-bonnet  on,  that  witching  damsel  ever 
wore. 

Jerry,  frightened  nearly  to  death  at  the  awful  propin- 
quity of  the  "question  popping,"  could  scarcely  stand, 
for  his  agitation  ;  and  poor  Miss  Mary,  apprehending 
from  Jerry's  manner  that  the  garden  was  destined  to  be- 
come the  recipient  of  some  awfully  horrible  avowal — 
perhaps  Jerry  had  murdered  somebody,  and  his  conscience 
was  forcing  him  to  disclose ;  or  he  had  discovered  that  an 
insurrection  of  the  negroes  was  contemplated;  or — surely 
he  was  not  going  to  make  a  declaration — oh,  no!  she 
knew  it  was  not  anything  of  that  kind — began  to  partici- 
pate in  Jerry's  embarrassment  and  trepidation.  More 
like  criminals  proceeding  to  execution,  than  young  people 
going  to  pluck  grapes,  they  sought  the  garden ;  the  gate 
was  closed  behind  them,  and  in  a  few  moments  more 
they  stood  under  the  arbour. 

The  grapes  were  hanging  down  upon  all  sides  in  the 
greatest  profusion ;  and,  twining  their  purple  masses  toge- 
ther, seemingly  cried  out,  <■<■  Come  eat  us  !" 

Jerry  was  the  very  picture  of  terror.  Oh !  how  he 
wished  that  he  was  safe  at  home !  But  it  was  too  late  to 
retreat — he  could  only  procrastinate.  But  still,  men  had 
gone  as  far  as  walking  in  a  secluded  garden  with  a  lady, 
and  then  died  old  bachelors.  But  then  that  infernal  doctor 
to-morrow — the  die  was  cast,  he  would  go  on.  The 
question  was,  how  should  he  approach  the  subject,  so  as 
not  to  destroy  life  in  the  young  lady,  when  the  dreadful 
business  of  his  visit  was  announced  ?     He  must  prepare 


LOVE    IN    A    GARDEN.  185 

her  for  it  gradually — the  grapes  offered  an  introductory — 
the  impolite  fellow,  not  to  offer  her  any  during  the  long 
time  they  had  been  in  the  arbour — they  had  just  a  second 
before  reached  it. 

Plucking  off  a  large  bunch,  he  handed  them  to  her, 
and  selected  a  similar  one  for  himself.  They  were  de- 
voured in  silence,  Jerry  too  badly  frightened  to  speak, 
and  Mary  wondering  what  in  the  world  was  to  come  next. 
The  grapes  were  consumed,  another  pair  of  bunches  se- 
lected, and  the  sound  of  their  champing  jaws  was  all  that 
broke  the  stillness.  Jerry's  eyes  were  fixed  on  his  bunch, 
and  Mary  was  watching  the  motions  of  an  agile  snail. 
The  cluster  was  in  process  of  disappearance,  when  Jerry, 
summoning  his  whole  energies,  commenced  his  declama- 
tion :  "  Miss  Mary,  I  have  something  to  impart" — here 
he  came  to  a  full  stop,  and  looked  up,  as  if  to  draw  in- 
spiration from  heaven  ;  but  the  umbrageous  foliage  inter- 
cepted his  view,  and  only  the  grapes  met  his  eye — and 
their  juice  requires  to  be  gone  through  with  several  pro- 
cesses, before  much  exhilaration  or  eloquence  can  be 
drawn  from  it.  Plucking  a  quantity,  he  swallowed  them, 
to  relieve  his  throat,  which  was  becoming  strangely  dry 
and  harsh. 

Miss  Mary,  poor  girl,  was  sitting  there,  very  much  con- 
fused, busily  eating  grapes;  neither  she  nor  Jerry  knew, 
whilst  continuing  to  eat,  the  quantity  that  they  had  con- 
sumed :  their  thoughts  were  elsewhere. 

"Miss  Mary,"  again  upspoke  Jerry,  "you  must  have 
seen  long  before  this — but  la!  your  bunch  is  eaten — have 
some  more  grapes,  Miss  Mary  ?  I  like  them  very  much" 
— and  amidst  much  snubbling  and  champing,  another 
package  of  grapes  was  warehoused  by  the  lovers. 

Jerry's  fix  was  becoming  desperate ;  time  was  flying 
rapidly,  and  he  knew  one   subject  would  soon  be  ex- 


186  LOVE    IN    A    GARDEN. 

hausted,  for  he  could  eat  but  few  more  grapes.  Oh !  how 
he  wished  that  fighting  a  panther,  fist- fight,  had  been 
made  one  of  the  conventialities  of  society,  and  assumed  to 
be  declaratory  of  the  soft  passion!  how  quickly  would  his 
bride  be  wooed! — but  those  infernal  words!  he  could  never 
arrange  them  so  as  to  express  what  he  meant.  "  Miss 
Mary,  you  must  know  that  I  saw  Dr.  Tensas,  to-day,  he 
told  me — have  some  more,  Miss  Mary,  they  won't  hurt 
you.  I  have  come  expressly  to  ask  you  —  have  another 
bunch,  let  me  insist.  I  have  come,  Miss  Mary,  to  pro- 
pose— another  small  bunch" — "  Mary,  I  have  come,"  he 
almost  shrieked,  "  to  ask  you  to  have — only  a  few  more — 
Oh  !  Lord  !"  and  he  wiped  the  cold  sweat  off.  Poor  fel- 
low !  his  pluck  would  not  hold  out. 

Mary,  frightened  at  his  vehemence,  said  nothing,  but 
eat  on  mechanically,  anxious  to  hear  what  it  was  that 
Jerry  wished  to  disclose. 

Again  he  marshalled  his  forces :  the  sun  was  declining 
in  the  west,  and  the  morrow  would,  perhaps,  see  the 
"  Swamp  Doctor,"  with  his  glib  tongue,  breathing  his 
vows — "  Miss  Mary,  I — I  love — grapes — no,  you — grapes 
— will  you  have  me — some  grapes — marry  me — no  grapes 
— yes,  me!  Oh!  Lord!  it  is  all  over!  You  will — bless 
you — I  must  have  a  kiss.  You  haven't  consented  yet — 
but  you  must!"  The  barrier  seemed  to  drop,  the  spell 
was  lifted  off  his  tongue,  and  Jerry,  in  a  stream  of  native 
eloquence,  running  the  fiercer  for  being  so  long  pent  up, 
plead  his  cause ;  could  it  be  unsuccessful  ?  Oh  !  no ! 
Mary  had  made  up  her  mind  long  ago. 

Side  by  side,  now,  all  their  diffidence  vanished  ;  they 
sat  under  the  blessed  arbour,  and  discoursed  of  their  past 
fears,  and  bright  hopes  for  the  future !  Jerry  held  the 
head  of  his  mistress  on  his  leal  and  noble  breast,  and,  as 
in  a  sweet  and  pure  strain  he  pictured  forth  the  quiet  do- 


LOVE    IN    A    GARDEN.  1S7 

mestic  life  they  were  to  lead  when  married,  Mary  could 
scarcely  believe  that  the  impudent  fellow  who  now  talked 
so  glibly,  and  stole,  in  spite  of  her  rebukes,  kisses  unnum- 
bered, was  the  timid  nervous  swain  of  a  few  minutes 
before. 

But  lo !  behold  what  a  sudden  transformation !  Has 
Jerry  struck  some  discordant  note  in  his  sweet  melody  of 
the  future — for  Mary's  features  are  contracted,  as  if  with 
pain,  and  her  pretty  face,  in  spite  of  herself,  wears  a 
vinegar  aspect.  Rather  early,  I  opine,  for  ladies  to  com- 
mence the  shrew- — if  I  am  wrong,  lady  reader,  attribute 
the  error  to  the  ignorance  of  an  old  bachelor.  Jerry,  too, 
seems  to  partake  of  the  sour  contagion — he  stamps  upon 
the  ground,  writhes  his  body  about,  and  presses  his  hand 
upon  his  stomach,  ignorant,  I  presume,  of  anatomy.  He 
meant  to  lay  them  over  his  heart,  poor  fellow !  he  got  too 
low  down.  Mary,  too,  is  evincing  the  ardency  of  her 
affection  ;  and  with  the  same  deplorable  ignorance  of  the 
locality  of  the  organs.  Verily,  love  is  affecting  them, 
singularly.  It  may  be  a  pleasant  passion,  but  that  couple, 
who  certainly  have  a  fresh,  I  will  not  say  genuine,  article 
of  love,  look  like  anything  but  happy  accepted  lovers. 
What  can  be  the  matter?  They  have  just  read  an  extract 
from  one  of  Cowper's  hu-colics — but  can  poetry  produce 
such  an  effect?  They  groan,  and  writhe  their  bodies 
about,  and  would  press  their  hearts,  if  they  only  lay  where 
their  digestive  apparatus  certainly  does.  Can  the  grapes 
have  anything  to  do  with  their  queer  contortions  ?  "  Hea- 
vens!" Jerry  cries,  as  a  horrid  suspicion  flashes  over  his 
mind,  "The  cholera!  The  cholera!  Dearest,  we  will 
die  together,  locked  in  each  other's  arms!"  and  Jerry 
sought  to  embrace  his  lady  love  ;  but  she  was  scrouched 
up,  I  believe  the  ladies  term  it,  and  as  he  had  assumed 
the  same  globular  position,  approximation   could  not  be 


188  LOVE    IN    A    GARDEN. 

effected,  and  death  had  acquired  another  pang,  from  their 
having  to  meet  him  separate. 

Fortunately  for  them,  the  Major  had  got  his  sleep  out 
some  hours  before,  and,  becoming  anxious  at  their  pro- 
longed stay,  set  out  to  seek  them.  As  the  garden  was  a 
quiet,  secluded  place,  he  thought  them  most  likely  to  be 
there,  and  there  he  found  them,  labouring  under  the  in- 
fluence, not  so  much  of  love  as — the  truth  must  out — 
an  overdose  of  grapes :  and  you  know  how  they  affect  the 
system. 

A  boy  was  despatched  post  haste  after  me.  Fortunately 
I  was  at  home,  and  quickly  reached  the  spot.  I  reached 
the  house,  and  was  introduced  immediately  to  the  apartment 
where  both  the  patients  lay.  A  glance  at  their  condition 
and  position  explained  the  cause  fully  of  their  disease. 
A  hearty  emetic  effected  a  cure ;  and  the  first  child  of 
Jerry  and  Mary  Wilson  was  distinctly  marked  on  the 
left  shoulder  with  a  bunch  of  grapes. 


HOW  TO  CURE  FITS. 

Not  none  of  the  least  difficult  problems,  in  the  practice 
of  medicine,  is  the  distinguishing  between  cases  of  real 
disease,  and  those  that  are  feigned.  It  is  a  great  stum- 
bling block  in  the  path  of  young  practitioners,  and  even  the 
old  members  of  the  fraternity  find  a  few  chips  of  it  in  their 
way  occasionally.  To  such  a  degree  may  the  art  of  dis- 
simulation be  carried,  that  nothing  but  the  eye  of  suspicion 
and  blind  presentiment  will  lead  us  to  detect  the  imposi- 
tion. I  have  known  a  case  of  simulated  disease,  after 
deceiving  some  of  the  first  physicians  in  the  South,  and 
withstanding  almost  every  species  of  treatment,  to  be 
cured  by  an  energetic,  liberal  administration  of  the 
negro-whip.  But  this  is  a  remedy  that  fearful  humanity 
will  not  allow  us  to  use,  and  consequently  I  never  resort 
to  it,  but  use  equally  as  effective,  but  uninjurious  means. 

Shortly  after  I  commenced  practice,  I  was  sent  for  in  a 
great  hurry  to  see  a  case  of  fits  in  the  person  of  a  negro 
wench,  belonging  to  a  plantation  a  few  miles  from  where 
I  was  located.  The  fit  was  over  when  I  reached  the 
place,  and  I  found  the  patient  resting  very  composedly 
and  showing  no  evidence  of  present  or  past  disease  ;  but 
the  testimony  of  her  master  went  to  show  that  she  had 
had  one  of  the  worst  fits  he  had  ever  seen,  and  he  ought 
to  know  something  about  fits,  as  he  had  lived  several 
years  in  Arkansas,  where  the  doctors  invariably  throw 
every  case  into  fits  as  preliminary  to  a  cure. 

I  made  a  prescription  suitable  to  his  description,  and 
returned  home,  only  to  be  sent  for  in  greater  haste  the 
83  (189) 


190  HOW    TO    CURE    FITS. 

next  day,  and  so  on  every  day  for  a  week,  the  fits  seeming 
to  increase  in  intensity  under  my  treatment.  I  remarked, 
as  a  peculiarity  of  her  case,  that  on  Sundays,  and  when 
rain  prevented  her  being  put  out  to  work,  she  escaped  the 
attack ;  but  hardly  could  the  hoe-handle  salute  her  palm  in 
the  cotton-field,  before  she  would  be  screeching,  yelping, 
and  struggling  like  a  friend  of  mine,  who,  camping  out, 
made  his  pillow  of  a  fallen,  but  still  tenanted  hornets' 
nest. 

I  became  desperate  ;  the  owner  was  becoming  tired  of 
sending  for  me,  and  my  reputation  was  suffering,  for  the 
patient  was  getting  worse.  I  examined  her  again  tho- 
roughly, but  nothing  could  I  find  in  her  digestive,  arte- 
rial, nervous,  muscular,  or  osseous  systems,  to  indicate 
disease.  I  shaved  all  the  wool  off  her  head  to  feel  for 
depressed  skull-bones,  and  commencing  the  Materia  Me- 
dica  at  Acetic  Acid,  administered  through  to  Zingiber, 
concluding  the  course  by  knocking  her  senseless  with  a 
galvanic  battery ;  but  she  stood  fits,  treatment,  and  every- 
thing else  without  change,  and  not  till  a  strong  impres- 
sion rested  on  my  mind  that  she  was  feigning,  did  a 
different  course  of  treatment  suggest  itself  to  me.  The 
plantation  lay  on  both  sides  of  a  deep  bayou,  the  link  of 
connexion  a  high  wooden  bridge.  I  happened  in  one 
day  at  the  house,  when  I  perceived  four  negroes  approach- 
ing the  bridge  from  the  opposite  field,  bearing  some  object 
in  a  blanket. 

Finding,  on  inquiry,  that  my  patient  had  that  morn- 
ing started  to  wTork  in  that  part  of  the  plantation,  I  readily 
surmised  that  the  blanket  aforesaid  contained  my  case 
of  fits. 

Asking  the  overseer  to  accompany  me,  we  advanced  to 
meet  the  negroes,  who  seemed  to  have  great  difficulty  in 
keeping  the  object  in  the  blanket ;  we  met  them  just  as 


HOW    TO    CURE    FITS.  191 

they  reached  the  centre  of  the  bridge,  the  water  under 
neath  being  some  eight  or  ten  feet  deep. 

»  Who  have  you  got  there  ?"  I  asked. 

"  Hannah,  sir,  has  got  another  of  her  fits,"  replied  one 
of  the  negroes. 

"  Put  her  down  on  the  bridge  and  let  me  examine  her." 
It  was  done  ;  it  required  the  united  strength  of  the  four 
negroes  to  hold  her  still  whilst  I  made  the  necessary  exa- 
mination, the  result  of  which  confirmed  my  impression 
that  she  was  simulating.  I  thundered  almost  in  her  ears, 
but  she  gave  no  answer,  and  I  determined  to  put  in  exe- 
cution my  new  plan  of  treatment. 

"  Pick  her  up  and  throw  her  in  the  bayou,"  I  said,  very 
clearly  and  precisely. 

Knowing  I  rarely  said  what  I  did  not  mean,  the  negroes 
yet  hesitated  somewhat  at  the  singular  command,  afraid 
either  to  obey  or  refuse. 

"  Throw  her  in  !"  I  yelled,  giving  a  thundering  stamp 
on  the  bridge. 

No  longer  in  doubt,  the  negroes  picked  up  the  blanket, 
and  giving  it  a  few  preliminary  swings,  to  acquire  mo- 
mentum, were  about  to  cast  away,  when,  with  a  loud  yell, 
the  case  of  fits  burst  from  their  hold  and  made  tracks  for 
the  cotton-field.  I  am  pretty  fleet  myself,  as  were  the 
negroes,  but  that  poor  diseased  invalid  beat  us  all,  and 
had  hoed  considerably  on  a  row  before  we  reached  her. 
A  liberal  flagellation  completed  the  cure,  and  she  has 
never  been  troubled  with  fits  since ! 


A  STRUGGLE  FOR  LIFE. 

It  was  the  spring  of  183-,  the  water  from  the  Missis- 
sippi had  commenced  overflowing  the  low  swamps,  and 
rendering  travelling  on  horseback  very  disagreeable.  The 
water  had  got  to  that  troublesome  height,  when  it  was 
rather  too  high  for  a  horse,  and  not  high  enough  for  a 
canoe  or  skiff  to  pass  easily  over  the  submerged  grounds. 

I  was  sitting  out  under  my  favourite  oak,  congratulating 
myself  that  I  had  no  travelling  to  do  just  then, — it  was 
very  healthy — when  my  joy  was  suddenly  nipped  in  the 
bud  by  a  loud  hallo  from  the  opposite  side  of  the  bayou. 
Looking  over,  and  answering  the  hail,  I  discerned  first  a 
mule,  and  then  something  which  so  closely  resembled  an 
ape  or  an  ourang  outang,  that  I  was  in  doubt  whether  the 
voice  had  proceeded  from  it,  until  a  repetition  of  the  hail, 
this  time  coming  unmistakeably  from  it,  assured  me  that 
it  was  a  human. 

"  Massa  doctor  at  home  ?"  yelled  the  voice. 

"  Yes,  I  am  the  doctor ;  what  do  you  want  ?" 

"  Massa  sent  me  with  a  letter  to  you." 

Jumping  in  the  skiff,  a  few  vigorous  strokes  sent  me 
to  the  opposite  shore,  where  the  singular  being  awaited 
my  coming. 

He  was  a  negro  dwarf  of  the  most  frightful  appearance ; 
his  diminutive  body  was  garnished  with  legs  and  arms  of 
enormously  disproportionate  length  ;  his  face  was  hideous: 
a  pair  of  tushes  projected  from  either  side  of  a  double 
hare-lip ;  and  taking  him  altogether,  he  was  the  nearest 
lesemblance  to  the  ourang  outang  mixed  with  the  devil 

(192; 


A   STRUGGLE   FOR    LIFE.  193 

that  human  eyes  ever  dwelt  upon.  I  could  not  look  at 
him  without  feeling  disgust. 

"  Massa  Bill  sent  me  with  a  letter,"  was  his  reply  to 
my  asking  him  his  business. 

Opening  it,  I  found  a  summons  to  see  a  patient,  the 
mother  of  a  man  named  .Disney,  living  some  twenty 
miles  distant  by  the  usual  road.  It  was  in  no  good 
humour  that  I  told  the  dwarf  to  wait  until  I  could  swim 
my  horse  over,  and  I  would  accompany  him. 

By  the  time  I  had  concluded  my  preparations,  and  put 
a  large  bottle  of  brandy  in  my  pocket,  my  steed  was 
awaiting  me  upon  the  opposite  shore. 

"  Massa  tole  me  to  tell  you  ef  you  didn't  mine  swim- 
ming a  little  you  had  better  kum  de  nere  way." 

"  Do  you  have  to  swim  much  ?" 

"  Oh  no,  massa,  onely  swim  Plurisy  Lake,  and  wade  de 
back  water  a  few  mile,  you'll  save  haf  de  way  at  leste." 

I  looked  at  the  sun.  It  was  only  about  two  hours  high, 
and  the  roads  were  in  such  miserable  condition  that  six 
miles  an  hour  would  be  making  fine  speed,  so  I  deter- 
mined to  go  the  near  way,  and  swim  »  Pleurisy  slough." 

"  You  are  certain  you  know  the  road,  boy?" 

"  Oh,  yes,  massa,  me  know  um  ebery  inch  ob  de  groun' ; 
hunted  possum  an'  coon  ober  him  many  a  night.  Massa, 
you  ain't  got  any  'baccy,  is  you  ?" 

"  There's  a  chaw — and  here's  a  drink  of  brandy.  I'll 
give  you  another  if  you  pilot  me  safe  through,  and  a  good 
pounding  if  you  get  lost." 

"  Dank  you,  Massa,  urn's  good.  No  fere  I  lose  you, 
know  ebery  inch  of  de  groun'." 

I  had  poured  him  out  a  dram,  not  considering  his  di- 
minutive stature,  sufficient  to  unsettle  the  nerves  of  a  stout 
man,  but  he  drank  it  off  with  great  apparent  relish ;  and 


194  A    STRUGGLE   FOR    LIFE. 

by  this  time,  everything  being  ready,  we  commenced 
ploughing  our  way  through  the  muddy  roads. 

We  made  but  slow  progress.  I  would  dash  on,  and 
then  have  to  wait  for  the  dwarf,  who,  belabouring  his 
mule  with  a  cudgel  almost  as  large  as  himself,  strove  in 
vain  to  keep  up. 

The  road  was  directly  down  the  bayou,  for  some  miles. 
There  were  few  settlers  on  it  then,  and  the  extent  of  their 
clearing  consisted  of  a  corn-patch.  They  were  the  pre- 
emptioners  or  squatters ;  men  who  settled  upon  govern- 
ment land  before  its  survey,  and  awaited  the  incoming  of 
planters  with  several  negroes  to  buy  their  claims,  them- 
selves to  be  bought  out  by  more  affluent  emigrants.  To 
one  of  the  first-mentioned  class — the  pre-emptioners — my 
visit  was  directed,  or  rather  to  his  mother,  who  occupied 
an  intermediate  grade  between  the  squatter  and  the  small 
planter,  inasmuch  as  she  possessed  one  negro,  the  de- 
lectable morsel  for  whom  I  was  waiting  every  few  hundred 
yards. 

It  wanted  but  an  hour  to  sundown  when  we  reached 
the  place  where  it  was  optional  with  me,  either  to  go  the 
longer  route  by  the  bayou,  or  save  several  miles  by  cutting 
across  the  bend  of  the  stream,  having;,  nowever,  to  swim 
"  Pleurisy  slough"  if  I  did  so. 

The  path  across  was  quite  obscure,  and  it  would  be 
dark  by  the  time  we  crossed  ;  but  the  negro  declared  he 
knew  every  inch  of  the  way,  and  as  saving  distance  was 
a  serious  consideration,  I  determined  to  trwtand  "  Pleu- 
risy slough." 

Taking  a  drink  to  warm  me,  for  the  dew  that  had  com- 
menced to  fall  was  quite  chilling,  I  gave  one  to  the  negro, 
not  noticing  the  wild  sparkle  of  his  eye  or  the  exhila- 
ration of  his  manner. 

We  pressed  on  eagerly,  I  ahead  as  long  as  the  path 


A    STRUGGLE    FOR    LIFE.  195 

lasted  ;  but  it  giving  out  at  the  edge  of  the  back  water,  it 
became  necessary  for  the  negro  to  precede  and  pilot  the 
way. 

I  followed  him  mechanically  for  some  distance,  relying 
on  his  intimate  knowledge  of  the  swamp,  our  steeds  mak- 
ing but  slow  progress  through  the  mud  and  wat_~ 

When  we  entered  the  swamp  I  had  remarked  thai  the 
sun  was  in  our  faces ;  and  great  was  my  astonishment, 
when  we  had  travelled  some  time,  on  glancing  my  eye 
upwards  to  see  if  it  had  left  the  tree-tops,  to  perceive  its 
last  beams  directly  at  my  back,  the  very  reverse  of  what  it 
should  have  been.  Thinking  perhaps  that  it  was  some  opti- 
cal illusion,  I  consulted  the  moss  on  the  trees,  and  its  in- 
dication was  that  we  were  taking  the  back  track.  I 
addressed  the  negro  very  sharply  for  having  misled  me, 
when,  instead  of  excusing  himself,  he  turned  on  me  his 
hideous  countenance  and  chuckled  the  low  laugh  of 
drunkenness.  I  saw  that  I  had  given  him  too  much 
brandy  for  his  weak  brain,  and  that  he  was  too  far  gone 
to  be  of  any  assistance  to  me  in  finding  the  way. 

Mine  was  a  pleasant  situation  truly.  To  return  home 
would  be  as  bad  as  to  endeavour  to  go  on  ;  it  would  be 
night  at  any  rate  before  I  could  get  out  of  the  swamp  ; 
and  after  it  fell,  as  there  was  no  moon,  it  would  be  dan- 
gerous to  travel,  as  the  whole  country  was  full  of  lakes  and 
sloughs,  and  we  might  be  precipitated  suddenly  into  one 
of  them,  losing  our  animals  if  not  being  drowned  our- 
selves. 

It  was  evident  that  I  would  have  to  pass  the  night  in 
the  swamp,  my  only  companion  the  drunken  dwarf.  I 
had  nothing  to  eat,  and  no  weapons  to  protect  myself  if 
assailed  by  wild  beasts ;  but  the  swamp  was  high 
enough  to  preclude  the  attack  of  anything  but  an  alliga  • 


196  A    STRUGGLE   FOR    LIFE. 

tor,  and  their  bellow  was  resounding  in  too  close  proxi- 
mity to  be  agreeable. 

Fortunately,  being  a  cigar-smoker,  I  had  a  box  of 
matches  in  my  pocket,  so  I  would  have  a  fire  at  least 
My  next  care  was  to  find  a  ridge  sufficiently  above  the 
water  to  furnish  a  dry  place  for  building  a  fire  and  camp. 
After  considerable  search,  just  at  night-fall  the  welcome 
picspect  of  a  cane  ridge  above  the  overflow  met  my  gaze  ; 
hurrying  up  the  negro,  who  by  this  time  was  maudlin 
drunk,  I  reached  the  cane,  and  forcing  my  way  with  con- 
siderable difficulty  through  it  until  I  got  out  of  the  reach 
of  the  water,  dismounted,  and  tying  my  horse,  took  the 
negro  down  and  performed  the  same  office  for  his  mule. 

My  next  care  was  to  gather  materials  for  a  fire  before 
impenetrable  darkness  closed  over  the  swamp  ;  fortunately 
for  me,  a  fallen  oak  presented  itself  not  ten  steps  from 
where  I  stood.  To  have  a  cheerful  blazing  fire  was  the 
work  of  a  few  minutes.  Breaking  off  sufficient  cane-tops 
to  last  the  steeds  till  morning,  I  stripped  my  horse — the 
mule  had  nothing  on  but  a  bridle — and  with  the  saddle 
and  cane-leaves  made  me  a  couch  that  a  monarch,  had  he 
been  as  tired  as  I  was,  would  have  found  no  fault  with. 
As  the  negro  was  perfectly  helpless,  and  nearly  naked,  I 
gave  him  my  saddle  blanket,  and  making  him  a  bed  at  a 
respectful  distance,  bade  him  go  to  sleep. 

Replenishing  the  fire  with  sufficient  fuel  to  last  till 
morning,  I  lit  a  cigar,  and  throwing  myself  down  upon 
my  fragrant  couch,  gave  myself  up  to  reflections  upon  the 
peculiarity  of  my  situation.  Had  it  been  a  voluntary 
bivouac  with  a  set  of  chosen  companions,  it  would  not 
have  awakened  half  the  interest  in  my  mind  that  it  did, 
for  the  attending  circumstances  imparted  to  it  much  of 
the  romantic. 

There,  far  from  human  habitation,  my  only  companion 


A    STRUGGLE    FOR    LIFE. 


197 


a  hideous  dwarf,  surrounded  with  water,  the  night  drape- 
ried  darkly  around,  I  lay,  the  cane-leaves  for  my  bed,  the 
saddle  for  my  pillow  ;  the  huge  fire  lighting  up  the  dark- 
ness for  a  space  around,  and  giving  natural  objects  a 
S'range,  distorted  appearance,  bringing  the  two  steeds 
iato  high  relief  against  the  dark  background  of  waving 
cane,  which  nodded  over,  discoursing  a  wild,  peculiar 
melody  of  its  own.  Occasionally  a  loud  explosion  would 
be  heard  as  the  fire  communicated  with  a  green  reed  ; 
the  wild  hoot  of  an  owl  was  heard,  and  directly  I  almost 
felt  the  sweep  of  his  wings  as  he  went  sailing  by,  and 
alighted  upon  an  old  tree  just  where  the  light  sank 
mingling  with  the  darkness.  I  followed  him  with  my  eye, 
and  as  he  settled  himself,  he  turned  his  gaze  towards  me  ; 
I  moved  one  of  the  logs,  and  his  huge  eyes  fairly  glistened 
with  light,  as  the  flames  shot  up  with  increased  vigour ; 
the  swamp  moss  was  flowing  around  him  in  long,  tangled 
masses,  and  as  a  more  vivid  gleam  uprose,  I  gazed  and 
started  involuntarily.  Had  I  not  known  it  was  an  owl 
surrounded  with  moss  that  sat  upon  that  stricken  tree,  I 
would  have  sworn  it  was  the  form  of  an  old  man,  clad  in 
a  sombre  flowing  mantle,  his  arm  raised  in  an  attitude  of 
warning,  that  I  gazed  upon.  A  cane  exploding,  startled 
the  owl,  and  with  a  loud  "  tu  whit,  tu  whoo,"  he  went 
sailing  away  in  the  darkness.  The  unmelodious  bellow 
of  the  alligator,  and  the  jarring  cry  of  the  heron,  arose 
from  a  lake  on  the  opposite  side  of  the  cane  ;  whilst  the 
voices  of  a  myriad  of  frogs,  and  the  many  undistinguish- 
able  sounds  of  the  swamp,  made  the  night  vocal  with 
discordancy. 

My  cigar  being  by  this  time  exhausted,  I  took  the  bot- 
tle from  my  pocket,  and  taking  a  hearty  drink  to  keep  the 
night  air  from  chilling  me  when  asleep,  was  about  to 
restore  it  to  its  place,  and  commend  myself  to  slumber, 


198  A    STRUGGLE    FOR    LIFE. 

when,  glancing  at  the  dwarf,  I  saw  his  eyes  fixed  upon  me 
with  a  demoniac  expression  that  I  shall  never  forget. 

"  Give  me  a  dram,"  he  said  very  abruptly,  not  pre- 
facing the  request  by  those  deferential  words  never  omitted 
by  the  slave  when  in  his  proper  mind. 

"  No,  sir,  you  have  already  taken  too  much;  I  will  give 
you  no  more,"  I  replied. 

"  Give  me  a  dram,"  he  again  said,  more  fiercely  than 
before. 

Breaking  off  a  cane,  I  told  him  that  if  he  spoke  to  me 
in  that  manner  again  I  would  give  him  a  severe  flogging. 

But  to  my  surprise  he  retorted,  "  D — n  you,  white  man, 
I  will  kill  you  ef  you  don't  give  me  more  brandy!"  his 
eyes  flashing  and  sparkling  with  electric  light. 

I  rose  to  correct  him,  but  a  comparison  of  my  well  de- 
veloped frame  with  his  stunted  deformed  proportions, 
and  the  reflection  that  his  drunkenness  was  attributable 
to  my  giving  him  the  brandy,  deterred  me. 

"  I  will  kill  you,"  he  again  screamed,  his  fangs  clash- 
ing, and  the  foam  flying  from  his  mouth,  his  long  arms 
extended  as  if  to  clutch  me,  and  the  fingers  quivering 
nervously. 

I  took  a  hasty  glance  of  my  condition.  I  was  lost  in 
the  midst  of  the  swamp,  an  unknown  watery  expanse 
surrounding  me ;  remote  from  any  possible  assistance  ; 
the  swamps  were  rapidly  filling  with  water,  and  if  we  did 
not  get  out  to-morrow  or  next  day,  we  would  in  all  pro- 
bability be  starved  or  drowned ;  the  negro  was  my  only 
dependence,  to  pilot  me  to  the  settlements,  and  he  was 
threatening  my  life  if  I  did  not  give  him  more  brandy ; 
should  I  do  it  or  not  ?  Judging  from  the  effects  of  the 
two  drinks  I  had  given  him,  if  he  got  possession  of  the 
bottle  it  might  destroy  him,  or  at  least  render  him  inca< 
pable  of  travelling,  until  starvation  and  exposure  would 


"  Closer  and  firmer  his  gripe  closed  upon  my  throat,  barring  out  the  sweet 
life's  breath."— Page  199. 


A    STRUGGLE    FOR    LIFE. 


199 


destroy  us.  My  mind  was  resolved  upon  that  subject ;  I 
would  give  him  no  more.  There  was  no  alternative,  I 
would  have  to  stand  his  assault ;  considering  I  was  three 
times  his  size,  a  fearful  adventure,  truly,  thought  I,  not 
doubting  a  moment  but  that  my  greater  size  would  give 
me  proportionate  strength  ;  I  must  not  hurt  him,  but  will 
tie  him  until  he  recovers. 

The  dwarf,  now  aroused  to  maniacal  fury  by  the  per- 
sistance  in  my  refusal,  slowly  approached  me  to  carry  his 
threat  into  execution.  The  idea  of  such  a  diminutive 
object  destroying  without  weapons  a  man  of  my  size, 
presented  something  ludicrous,  and  I  laughingly  awaited 
his  attack,  ready  to  tie  his  hands  before  he  could  bite  or 
scratch  me.     Wofully  I  underrated  his  powers ! 

With  a  yell  like  a  wild  beast's,  he  precipitated  himself 
upon  me  ;  evading  my  blow,  he  clutched  with  his  long 
fingers  at  my  throat,  burying  his  talons  in  my  flesh,  and 
writhing  his  little  body  around  mine,  strove  to  bear  me  to 
earth. 

I  summoned  my  whole  strength,  and  endeavoured  to 
shake  him  off;  but,  possessing  the  proverbial  power  of  the 
dwarf,  increased  by  his  drunken  mania  to  an  immense 
degree,  I  found  all  my  efforts  unavailing,  and,  oh  God! 
horrors  of  horrors,  what  awful  anguish  was  mine,  when  I 
found  him  bearing  me  slowly  to  earth,  and  his  piercing 
talons  buried  in  my  throat,  cutting  off  my  breath !  My 
eyes  met  his  with  a  more  horrid  gleam  than  that  he  glared 
upon  me :  his  was  the  fire  of  brutal  nature,  arous»ed  by 
desire  to  intense  malignancy ;  and  mine  the  gaze  of  de- 
spair and  death.  Closer  and  firmer  his  gripe  closed  upon 
my  throat,  barring  out  the  sweet  life's  breath.  I  strove 
to  shriek  for  help,  but  could  not.  How  shall  I  describe 
the  racking  agony  that  tortured  me?  A  mountain,  heavier 
than   any  earth's  bosom   holds,   was  pressing  upon  my 


200  A   STRUGGLE    FOR    LIFE. 

breast,  slowly  crushing  me  to  fragments.  All  kinds  of 
colours  first  floated  before  my  eyes,  and  then  everything 
wore  a  settled,  intensely  fiery  red.  I  felt  my  jaw  slowly 
dropping,  and  my  tongue  protruding,  till  it  rested  on  the 
hellish  fangs  that  encircled  my  throat.  I  could  hear  dis- 
tinctly every  pulsation  of  even  the  minutest  artery  in  my 
frame.  Its  wild  singing  was  in  my  ears  like  the  ocean 
wave  playing  over  the  shell-clad  shore.  I  remember  it 
all  perfectly,  for  the  mind,  through  all  this  awful  struggle, 
still  remained  full  of  thought  and  clearness.  Closer  grew 
the  gripe  of  those  talons  around  my  throat,  and  I  knew 
that  I  could  live  but  a  few  moments  more.  I  did  not 
pray.  I  did  not  commend  my  soul  to  God.  I  had  not  a 
fear  of  death.  But  oh !  awful  were  my  thoughts  at  dying  in 
such  a  way — suffocated  by  a  hellish  negro  in  the  midst  of  the 
noisome  swamp,  my  flesh  to  be  devoured  by  the  carrion 
crow,  my  bones  to  whiten  where  they  lay  for  long  years,  and 
then  startle  the  settler,  when  civilization  had  strode  into  the 
wilderness,  and  the  cane  that  would  conceal  my  bones 
would  be  falling  before  the  knife  of  the  cane-cutter.  I  ceased 
to  breathe.  I  was  dead.  I  had  suffered  the  last  pangs 
of  that  awful  hour,  and  either  it  was  the  soul  not  yet  re- 
signed to  leave  its  human  tenement,  or  else  immortal 
mind  triumphing  over  death,  but  I  still  retained  the  sen- 
tient principle  within  my  corpse.  I  remember  distinctly 
when  the  demon  relaxed  his  clutch,  and  shaking  me  to 
see  if  I  were  really  dead,  broke  into  a  hellish  laugh.  I 
remember  distinctly  when  tearing  the  bottle  from  me,  he 
pulled  my  limber  body  off  my  couch,  and  stretched  him- 
self upon  it.  And  what  were  my  thoughts?  I  was  dead, 
yet  am  living  now.  Ay,  dead  as  human  ever  becomes. 
My  lungs  had  ceased  to  play ;  my  heart  was  still ;  my 
muscles  were  inactive ;  even  my  skin  had  the  dead  clammy 
touch.     Had  men  been  there,  they  would  have  placed  me 


A    STRUGGLE    FOR    LIFE.  201 

in  a  coffin,  and  buried  me  deep  in  the  ground,  and  the 
worm  would  have  eaten  me,  and  the  death-rats  made 
nests  in  my  heart,  and  what  was  lately  a  strong  man 
would  have  become  a  loathsome  mass.  But  still  in  that 
coffin  amidst  those  writhing  worms,  would  have  been 
the  immortal  mind,  and  still  would  it  have  thought  and 
pondered  on  till  the  last  day  was  come.  For  such,  is  the 
course  of  soul  and  death,  as  my  interpretation  has  it.  I 
was  dead,  all  but  my  mind,  and  that  still  thought  on  as 
vividly,  as  ramblingly,  as  during  life.  My  body  lay  dead 
in  that  murderer's  swamp,  my  mind  roamed  far  away  in 
thought,  reviewing  my  carnal  life.  I  stood,  as  when  a  boy, 
by  my  mother's  grave.  The  tall  grass  was  waving  over 
it,  the  green  sod  smiled  at  my  feet.  "  Mother,"  I  whis- 
pered, "  your  child  is  weary — the  world  looks  harsh  upon 
him — coldness  comes  from  those  who  should  shelter  the 
orphan.  Mother,  open  your  large  black  eyes  and  smile 
upon  your  child."  Again,  I  stood  upon  the  steamer,  a 
childish  fugitive,  giving  a  last  look  upon  my  fleeing  home, 
and  mingling  my  tears  with  the  foaming  wave  beneath. 
I  dragged  my  exhausted  frame  through  the  cotton-fields 
of  the  south.  My  back  was  wearied  with  stooping — we 
were  picking  the  first  opening — and  as  dreams  of  future 
distinction  would  break  upon  my  soul,  the  strap  of  the 
cotton-sack,  galling  my  shoulder,  recalled  me  to  myself. 
All  the  phases  of  my  life  were  repeated,  until  they  ended 
where  I  lay  dead ! — dead  as  mortal  ever  becomes.  I 
thought,  What  will  my  friends  say  when  they  hear  that  on 
a  visit  to  the  sick,  I  disappeared  in  the  swamp,  and  was 
never  heard  of  more  ? — drowned  or  starved  to  death  .J 
Will  they  weep  for  me  ?  for  me  ? — Not  many,  I  ween,  will 
be  the  tears  that  will  be  shed  for  me.  Then,  after  the 
lapse  of  long  years,  my  bones  will  be  found.  I  wonder 
who  will  get  my  skull  ?     Perhaps  an  humble  doctor  like 


202  A    STRUGGLE    FOR    LIFE. 

myself,  who,  meditating  upon  it,  will  not  think  that  it 
holds  the  mind  of  a  creature  of  his  own  ambition — his  own 
lofty  instincts.  He  will  deem  it  but  an  empty  skull,  and 
little  dream  that  it  held  a  sentient  principle.  But  I  know- 
that  the.  mind  will  still  tenant  it.  Ha,  ha!  how  that  foul 
ape  is  gurgling  his  blood-bought  pleasure.  I  would  move 
if  I  could,  and  wrench  the  bottle  from  him ;  but  mine  is 
thought,  not  action.  Hark!  there  is  a  storm  arising.  I 
hear  with  my  ear,  that  is  pressed  on  the  earth,  the  thunder 
of  the  hurricane.  How  the  trees  crash  beneath  it !  Will  it 
prostrate  those  above  me?  Hark!  what  awful  thunder! 
Ah  me  !  wrhat  fierce  pang  is  that  piercing  my  very  vitals? 
There  is  a  glimmering  of  light  before  my  eyes.  Can  it 
be  that  I  the  dead  am  being  restored  to  human  life  ?  An- 
other thunder  peal !  'tis  the  second  stroke  of  my  heart — 
my  blood  is  red-hot — it  comes  with  fire  through  my  veins 
— the  earth  quakes — the  mountain  is  rolling  off  my  chest — ■ 
I  live ! — I  breathe ! — I  see ! — I  hear ! — Where  am  I  ?  Who 
brought  me  here  ?  I  hear  other  sounds,  but  cannot  my 
own  voice.  Where  am  I  ?  Ah  !  I  remember  the  dwarf 
strangled  me.  Hark !  where  is  he  ?  Is  that  the  sunbeam 
playing  over  the  trees  ?  What  noisome  odour  like  con- 
suming flesh  is  that  wThich  poisons  the  gale  ?  Great  God  ! 
can  that  disfigured  half-consumed  mass  be  my  evil  genius?" 
I  rose  up,  and  staggering,  fell  again ;  my  strength  was 
nearly  gone.  I  lay  until  I  thought  myself  sufficiently 
recruited  to  stand,  and  then  got  up  and  surveyed  the 
scene.  The  animals  were  tied  as  I  left  them,  and  were 
eating  their  cane  unconcernedly ;  but  fearfully  my  well- 
nigh  murderer  had  paid  for  his  crime,  and  awful  was  the 
retribution  Maddened  by  the  spirits,  he  had  rushed  into 
the  flames,  and,  in  the  charred  and  loathsome  mass,  no- 
thing of  the  human  remained  ;  he  had  died  the  murderer's 
death  and  been  buried  in  his  grave, — a  tomb  of  fire. 


A    STRUGGLE    FOR    LIFE.  20-J 

To  remain  longer  in  the  horrid  place  was  impossible  ; 
my  throat  pained  me  excessively  where  the  talons  had 
penetrated  the  flesh,  and  I  could  not  speak  above  a  whis- 
per. I  turned  the  mule  loose,  thinking  that  it  would 
return  home,  and  conduct  me  out  of  the  swamp.  I  was 
n«t  incorrect  in  my  supposition  ;  the  creature  led  me  to 
ns  owner's  cabin.  The  patient  had  died  during  the 
night. 

My  account  of  the  dwarf's  attack  did  not  surprise  the 
family;  he  had  once,  when  in  a  similar  condition,  made 
an  attack  upon  his  mistress,  and  would  have  strangled  her 
had  assistance  not  been  near. 

His  bones  were  left  to  bleach  where  they  lay.  I  would 
not  for  the  universe  have  looked  again  upon  the  place  ; 
and  his  mistress  being  dead,  there  were  none  to  care  for 
giving  him  the  rites  of  sepulture. 


THE   END. 


STREAKS 

OF 

SQUATTER   LIFE, 

AND 

FAR-WEST    SCENES. 

A  SERIES  OF  HUMOROUS  SKETCHES  DESCRIPTIVE  OF  INCIDENTS 
AND  CHARACTER  IN  THE  WILD  WEST. 

TO   'WHICH  ABE   ADDED 

OTHER  MISCELLANEOUS  PIECES. 

BY  "SOLITAIRE," 

(JOHN  S.  ROBB,  OF  ST.  LOUIS,  MO,) 

AUTHOH    OF    "SWALLOWING     OYSTERS     ALIT  K." 


Dan  Elkhorn.—Vve  seen  more  fun  in  these  yeur  diggins  than  would  fill  a  book  I 
Solitaire- — Can  I  persuade  you,  Dan,  to  relate  those  scenes  to  me  1 
Dan. — Well,  hoss,  I  won't  do  anythin'  else! 


P  Ij  i  I  a  u  e  I  p  lj  i  a : 
T.    B.    PETERSON    AND    BROTHERS, 

SO 6    CHESTNUT    STREET. 


Entered,  according  to  the  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1846,  by 
CAREY  AND  HART, 

in  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  for  the  Eastern  District 
of  Pennsylvania. 

COLLINS,  PRINTER. 


DEDICATION. 

To  Col.  Charles  Keemle. 

Permit  me,  my  friend,  to  dedicate  to  you  these  pages, 
the  first  production  of  my  pen  in  the  field  of  western 
literature,  and  allow  me  to  say,  that  your  own  graphic 
relations  of  far-west  scenes,  witnessed  when  this  now 
giant  territory  was  in  its  infancy,  has  contributed  much 
to  illustrate  for  me  the  striking  features  of  western  cha- 
racter. You  may  be  set  down  as  one,  who  has  not 
only  been  a  dweller  in  the  wilds  since  its  primitive  days, 
but  an  observer  of  its  progress  in  every  stage,  from  the 
semi-civilised  state  until  the  refinement  of  polished  life 
has  usurped  the  wilderness.  Through  this  period  of 
transition  you  have  stood  unchanged,  and  that  generous 
and  noble  nature,  which  induced  the  Indian  chieftain, 
in  by- gone  days,  to  style  you  as  the  "  Gray  Eagle"  of 
the  forest,  calls  forth  this  humble  tribute  of  regard  from 
your  friend. 

John  S.  Robb. 


CONTENTS. 


T.U  ---  XI3'*SaA  WANLER1NGS  OF  A  TYPO , PAGE  1 1 

"  NOT  A  DROP  MORE,  MAJOR,  UNLESS  It's  S\TEETEN'd" 56 

NETTLE  BOTTOM  BALL  j - 59 

Or,  Betsy  Jones'  tumble  in  the  mush  pan. 

A  CAT  STORY, 64 

H'hich  must  not  be  eur-tailed. 

A  SPIRITUAL  SISTER; 67 

Her  encounter  with  a  doubtful  Smith. 

hoss  allen's  apology  ; 70 

Or,  the  Candidate's  Ji'ight  in  a  .Mosquito  Swamp. 

NATURAL  ACTING  J 8& 

Dan  .Marble's  First  Appearance  at  Grand  River. 

A  CANAL  ADVENTURE 87 

THE  STANDING  CANDIDATE  ; 91 

Ills  Excuse  for  being  a  Bachelor. 

AN  emigrant's  perils  ; 101 

Or,  a  Flying  Ticket  on  the  .Mississippi. 

FUN  WITH  A  "  BAR  J'7 104 

A  Might  Adrenture  on  the  .Missouri. 

TELEGRAPHING  AN  EXPRESS  J 112 

A  .Vight's  Adventure  in  the  American  Bottom. 

THE  PRE-EMPTION  RIGHT  ) 117 

Or,  Dick  Kelsy's  Signature  to  his  Land  Claim. 

YALLER  PLEDGES  ; 132 

Or,  the  Fight  about  Sally  Spillman. 


V 


VI  CONTENTS. 

GEORGE  MUNDAY, PAGE  139 

The  Hatless  Prophet, 

COURTING  IN  FRENCH  HOLLOW 142 

THE  SECOND  ADVENT  j 148 

Tom  Bangall  the  Engineer,  and  Millerism. 

SETTLEMENT  FUN  ) 156 

Or,  Bill  Sapper's  Letter  to  his  Cousin. 

11  doing"  a  landlord, 161 

A  Story  of  Shape  and  Talent. 

WHO  IS  SIR  GEORGE  SIMPSON  1 166 

An  extraordinary  circumstance  about  him. 

LETTERS  FROM  A  BABY, 163 

By  a  Forward  Child. 

SETH  TINDER'S  FIRST  COURTSHIP  ', 177 

How  his  flame  was  quenched. 

THE  DEATH  STRUGGLE  ] 180 

Or,  the  way  Smith  did  up  Jones. 

11  WHO  ARE  THEY  1" 183 

A  question  of  vital  import. 


PREFACE. 


In  offering  the  following  sketches  to  the  public,  I  feel 
somewhat  like  the  hoosier  candidate  described  his  sen- 
sations, when  he  first  essayed  to  deliver  a  stump  speech  : 
"  I  felt,"  said  he,  "  that  ef  I  could  ony  git  the  beginnin' 
out — ef  I  could  ony  say  <-fellar  citizens  /'  that  arter  that 
it  'ud  go  jest  as  easy  as  corn  shuckin' !"  So  with  your 
humble  servant,  if  this  my  first  effort  at  book  making 
should  meet  with  favor,  I  feel  that  a  second  attempt 
would  be  a  pleasing  task.  To  all  adventurers  in  the 
field  of  literature  the  slightest  encouragement  is  a  shower 
of  success — in  my  own  case  a  smile  upon  my  effort  will 
swell  in  my  estimation  to  a  downright  "snigger"  The 
commendation  which  was  bestowed  upon  the  sketch  of 
"  Swallowing  Oysters  Alive,"  was  some  evidence  that  it 
tickled  the  public  taste,  and,  of  course,  its  wide  approval 
tickled  the  fancy  of  the  author ;  so  if  this  collection  be 
an  infliction  upon  the  reading  public's  taste,  they  have 
themselves  to  blame — they  offered  the  temptation. 

It  is  unnecessary  for  me  to  apologise  for  their  style, 
for  to  pretend  a  capability  to  furnish  any  better,  I  don't 
— and  their  finish  will  be  excused  when  I  state,  they 
are  the  productions  of  the  few  short  hours  outside  of 
eight  in  the  morning  and  ten  at  night,  the  time  between 
being  occupied  by  arduous  duties  which  almost  forbid 
thought,  save  of  themselves. 

vii 


V1U  PREFACE. 

The  west  abounds  with  incident  and  humor,  and  the 
observer  must  lack  an  eye  for  the  comic  who  can  look 
upon  the  panorama  of  western  life  without  being  tempted 
to  laugh.  It  would  indeed  seem  that  the  nearer  sun- 
down, the  more  original  the  character  and  odd  the  ex- 
pression, as  if  the  sun,  with  his  departing  beams,  had 
shed  a  new  feature  upon  the  back-woods  inhabitants. 
This  oddity  and  originality  has  often  attracted  my  at- 
tention and  contributed  to  my  amusement,  and  I  have 
wondered  why  the  finished  and  graphic  writers  of  our 
country  so  seldom  sought  material  from  this  inviting 
field.  The  idea  of  ever  attempting  to  develope  any 
portion  of  this  mine  of  incident  and  character,  with  my 
feeble  pen,  has  but  recently  been  flattered  into  exist- 
ence, and  if  my  hasty  efforts  but  aid  to  awaken  attention 
and  attract  skilful  pens  to  this  original  and  striking  field 
of  literature,  my  highest  ambition  is  attained.  The 
amusing  delineations  of  Thorpe,  Hooper,  Field,  Sol 
Smith,  and  others,  who  have  with  abler  pens  developed 
these  incidents  of  western  life,  and  the  avidity  with 
which  their  sketches  have  been  read,  give  assurance 
that  the  rivers  and  valleys  of  this  western  land  will 
no  longer  be  neglected.  That  it  here  abounds  as 
plentiful  as  the  minerals  within  its  bosom,  there  is  no 
question,  for  every  step  of  the  pioneer's  progress  has 
been  marked  with  incidents,  humorous  and  thrilling, 
which  wait  but  the  wizard  spell  of  a  bright  mind  and 
able  pen  to  call  them  from  misty  tradition,  and  clothe 
them  with  speaking  life. 

It  is  true  there  are  dark  streaks  in  western  life,  as  well 
as  light  ones,  as  where  in  human  society  exists  the  one 
without  the  other  ;  but,  in  their  relation,  the  future  his- 


PREFACE.  IX 

torian  of  the  wilds  should  be  careful  to  distinguish  be- 
tween the  actual  settler  and  the  border  harpy.  The  acts 
of  this  latter  class  have  often  thrilled  the  refined  mind 
with  horror,  and  brought  condemnation  upon  the  pio- 
neer, while  a  wide  distinction  exists  between  the  two 
characters.  The  harpy  is  generally  some  worthless  and 
criminal  character,  who,  having  to  flee  from  more  popu- 
lous districts,  seeks  refuge  at  the  outskirts  of  civilization, 
and  there  preys  alike  upon  the  red  man  and  unsuspect- 
ing settler.  There  have  been  instances  where,  after  a 
long  career  of  depredation,  these  offenders  have  aroused 
the  vengeance  of  the  back- woods  settler,  when  his  pun- 
ishment became  as  sweeping  as  his  hospitality  had  before 
been  warm  and  unsuspecting.  In  general,  however, 
the  western  squatter  is  a  free  and  jovial  character,  in- 
clined to  mirth  rather  than  evil,  and  when  he  encounters 
his  fellow  man  at  a  barbecue,  election,  log-rolling,  or 
frolic,  he  is  more  disposed  to  join  in  a  feeling  of  hilarity 
on  the  occasion,  than  to  participate  in  wrrong  or  out- 
rage. An  encounter  with  the  hostile  red  skins,  or  the 
wild  animals  of  the  forest  is  to  him  pleasurable  excite- 
ment, and  his  fireside  or  camp-fire  is  rich  with  story  of 
perilous  adventure,  and  which  seems  only  worthy  of  his 
remembrance,  when  fearfully  hazardous  in  incident. 

Appended  to  these  Western  Sketches  will  be  found 
several  of  a  satirical  and  humorous  character,  which 
have  met  with  some  favor ;  though  of  a  local  character, 
they  may  contribute  to  the  amusement  of  the  reader,  and 
if  so,  the  object  for  which  they  were  written  has  been 
attained. 

In  conclusion,  allow  me  to  add,  that  the  within  pages 
are  written  as  much  for  the  reader's  amusement  as  the 


X  PREFACE. 

illustration  of  odd  incidents  and  character,  and  if  they 
fail  in  this,  they  fail  altogether; — it  is  certain  I  have 
tried  to  be  funny,  and  not  to  succeed  in  such  an  effort 
is  the  most  hopeless  of  all  literary  failures.  I  shall  leave 
the  decision  of  this,  to  me  momentous,  question,  to  the 
indulgence  of  the  public,  and  hold  myself  ready  to 
"  back  out"  if  they  decree  it,  or  attempt  a  better  effort 
under  their  approving  smile. 

A  word  to  the  critics : — Gentlemen,  I  have  a  high 
respect  for  you,  and  some  little  fear,  and  I,  therefore, 
beg  of  you  to  touch  me  lightly — if  you  touch  me  at  all ; 
or,  in  the  language  of  the  Irish  pupil,  when  about  to 
receive  a  thrashing  from  his  tutor; — "If  you  can't  be 
aisy,  be  as  aisy  as  you  can  /" 

The  Author. 


STEEAKS  OE  SQUATTEE  LIEE, 

A2TD 

FAR-WEST  SCENES. 

THE   WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 
CHAPTER  I. 

THE  WAY  HE  WAS  "BROUGHT  UP." 

John  Earl,  the  subject  of  our  story,  was  a  true  and 
veritable  specimen  of  the  genus  Jour  Printer, — intelli- 
gent, reckless,  witty,  improvident,  competent,  and  un- 
steady,— floating  on  the  great  sea  of  life,  regardless  of 
either  its  winds  or  tides, — but  little  troubled  about  the 
present,  and  perfectly  indifferent  as  to  the  future.  John 
was  the  son  of  a  Philadelphia  printer,  who  died  soon 
after  his  marriage,  and  the  grief  and  destitution  of  our 
hero's  mother  so  preyed  upon  her  slender  frame,  that  in 
giving  birth  to  him  she  sunk  under  her  sufferings — the 
wail  of  her  offspring  in  this  world  was  the  knell  which 
signalled  her  departure  to  another.  That  "  the  poor 
aids  the  poor,"  was  a  saying  verified  in  John's  case, 
for  a  poor  shoemaker  in  the  house  adjoining  his  home 
took  charge  of  the  bereaved  infant,  and  sheltered  it 
beneath  his  humble  roof.  The  worthy  son  of  Crispin 
had  none  of  his  own  to  trouble  him,  and  his  wife  and 
himself,  as   their   little  charge  budded  into   prattling 

11 


12  THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

childhood,  grew  daily  more  fond  of  him,  until  our  hero 
held  at  least  his  third  of  interest  in  the  household.  At 
his  own  request  he  was  permitted  to  learn  the  same 
business  his  father  had  been  bred  to,  and  with  many  in- 
junctions, and  a  good  suit  of  clothes,  he  was  consigned  at 
a  proper  age  to  a  master  printer.  Soon  after  his  transfer 
to  his  new  home,  his  adopted  parentsbadehimfarewell. 
The  old  shoemaker  had  become  infected  with  the 
western  fever  for  emigration,  and  after  long  and  re- 
peated consultations  with  his  wife,  had  concluded  to 
depart  to  the  land  of  rapid  fortunes  and  unbounded 
enterprise.  The  parting  was  affectionate,  and  after 
many  fond  wishes  for  each  other's  happiness,  our  hero 
was  left  to  the  mercies  of  the  "Art  preservative."  We 
need  not  say  that  he  grew  wise  in  its  mysteries,  we  will 
assume  it  as  a  matter  of  course.  John  was,  or  rather 
grew  to  be  of  a  happy  disposition,  and  viewed  life  as 
something  resembling  Pat's  pig,  a  compound  of  alter- 
nate streaks  of  fat  and  lean,  and  whenever  fortune 
looked  through  her  blue  spectacles  upon  his  progress,, 
he  always  set  it  down  as  his  streak  of  lean,  and  grew 
happy  amid  his  distresses,  under  the  firm  belief  that 
his  alternate  slice  of  fat  was  next  in  order.  He  was  a 
philosopher  in  the  true  sense  of  the  word,  for  he  let  no 
occurrence  of  life  rumple  the  couch  of  his  repose — if 
he  didn't  like  his  quarters  he  took  up  his  store  of  earthly 
wealth  upon  the  end  of  a  stick,  and  travelled.  At  the 
period  of  which  we  write,  John  had  tasted  four  or  five 
years  of  the  responsibility  of  manhood,  and  had,  from 
the  day  of  his  freedom,  been  an  occasional  visiter  to  all 
the  Atlantic  cities ;  he  had  now  grown  tired  of  his  old 
tramping  ground,  and  turned  his  eye  westward.     Who 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  13 

knows,  thought  John,  but  I  may  find  a  Mount  Arrarat 
in  the  new  land  whereon  to  rest  my  ark!  "  The  west, 
aye,"  thought  John,  "that  mighty  corn  field — that  re- 
gion of  pork  and  plenty — land  of  the  migrating  sucker — 
haven  of  hope,  and  country  of  adventure,  I  stretch  out 
my  arms  towards  thee,  take  me  up  like  a  mother,  and 
be  kind  to  your  new  child." 

Gathering  up  his  shirt  No.  2,  and  overcoat  No.  1, 
into  a  handkerchief  valise,  and  wending  his  way  to  a 
Baltimore  steamer,  he  proceeded  on  board,  deposited 
his  bundle,  and  shook  the  dust  of  the  city  from  his  feet. 
From  the  deck  of  the  steamer  he  looked  out  upon  the 
mart  of  trade,  covered  with  its  busy  hundreds,  who  were 
rushing  to  and  fro,  and  running  in  and  out  of  the  great 
store-houses,  like  swarms  of  bees  around  their  hives. 

"  Poor  fellows,"  soliloquized  John,  "  how  soon  old 
time  will  knock  them  over,  and  distribute  all  the  honey 
they  are  toiling  for  among  a  new  generation." 

A  ringing  of  the  steamer's  bell  disturbed  his  musings, 
and  all  became,  for  a  few  minutes,  bustle  and  confusion 
— the  engine  moved,  and  the  paddles  answered  its  clank 
with  a  splash,  a  moment  more  and  they  were  moving  in 
the  stream,  and  wending  their  way  past  the  rows  of 
shipping.  As  the  smoke  of  the  city  faded  from  their 
view,  John  turned  about  to  look  upon  his  fellow  pas- 
sengers; some  looked  pleased,  as  if  the  trip  was  one 
of  pleasure ;  others  sad,  as  if  departing  from  joys ; 
whilst  a  portion,  discontented  with  what  they  had  left, 
appeared  determined  to  dislike  what  they  were  jour- 
neying to,  and  muttered  their  displeasure  audibly. 
Standing  alone,  leaning  over  the  rail,  was  a  fine  look- 
ing elderly  gentleman,  whose  countenance  wore  an  air 


14  THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

of  quiet  content  and  goodness — it  was,  indeed,  one  of 
those  inviting  countenances  that  we  sometimes  see  pos- 
sessed by  honorable  old  age,  which  tells  of  wise  thought 
and  kindly  sympathy,  instead  of  a  callous  heart  and 
suspicious  mind,  and  our  hero  selected  its  owner  for  a 
travelling  acquaintance.  Approaching  him,  and  leaning 
over  a  rail  by  his  side,  he  remarked, 

"  We  are  moving  through  the  water,  sir,  with  light- 
ning speed." 

This  assertion  being  most  palpable  and  manifest,  the 
old  gent  remarked  in  turn  that  they  were  moving  with 
rapidity.  Having  fully  agreed  upon  this  point,  John 
ventured  further  to  enquire,  "  If  it  had  ever  occurred  to 
his  mind  that  steamboats  were  a  great  invention,  any 
how?"  The  old  gentleman  acknowledged  "he  had 
been  forcibly  struck  with  the  fact."  Now,  these  passes 
of  conversation  may  appear  to  the  reader  as  very  trivial 
and  commonplace,  but  let  us  assure  him  they  led  to 
important  results — they  broke  the  ice  which  lay  between 
two  bodies,  and  let  their  souls  float  into  contact.  John 
having,  as  it  were,  got  hold  of  the  cover  of  non-inter- 
course, which  most  travellers  wear,  just  unfolded  it  at 
each  corner,  and  by  his  wit,  intelligence,  and  reckless 
gaiety,  folded  himself  up  next  the  old  man's  heart,  and 
tucked  the  corners  of  the  robe  under  him.  The  old 
man  soon  became?delighted  with  our  hero,  and  they  be- 
came inseparable  compagnons  du  voyage, 

A  small  bell  was  rung,  and  immediately  the  clerk 
commenced  taking  up  tickets.  Here  was  an  eventful 
period  for  John — he  had  not  troubled  himself  with  the 
necessary  receipt  for  passage,  for  one  very  good  reason 
— he  had  none  of  the  needful  to  purchase  it  with  ;  like 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  15 

all  philosophers  he  had  great  faith  in  luck,  and  now  re- 
signed himself  to  her  care. 

"  I'll  take  your  ticket,  sir,"  said  the  clerk. 

"  I  wish  you  would,"  said  John,  "  if  you  see  it  any 
where  about  me." 

The  clerk  took  a  stare  at  our  hero,  and  then  re- 
marked, "  I  have  no  time  to  jest,  sir." 

"  Nor  I  any  inclination  ;"  added  John,  "  the  fact  is, 
my  friend,  I've  got  no  ticket,  and  as  uncle  Sam  is  my 
only  existing  relation,  and  as  you  have  a  contract  with 
him,  suppose  you  book  me  as  one  of  his  males." 

"  I  say  I  have  no  time  for  jesting,  sir,"  reiterated  the 
clerk,  in  an  angry  tone,"  so  please  to  hand  me  your  ticket." 

"Well,  then,"  continued  John,  "I'll  have  to  let  you 
into  my  secret,  I  see, — I'm  an  attache  of  the  press,  on 
my  road  to  Washington  ; — now,  I  suppose,  its  all  right. 
You  are  aware  if  I  am  delayed,  Gales  and  Seaton  will 
be  very  angry,  and  Blair  and  Rives  get  in  a  pucker." 

The  clerk  was  here  getting  into  a  wrathy  state,  when 
John's  old  friend  reached  the  clerk  the  amount  of  his 
passage,  and  he  passed  on.  John  objected,  but  the  old 
man  insisted  upon  lending  it  to  him,  and  the  matter  of 
fare  being  settled  they  sped  onward  smoothly  as  before. 
"  Here's  a  streak  of  fat"  thought  John,  "  for  I  have 
accidentally  fell  in  with  a  travelling  angel,"  and  as  some 
return  for  his  generosity,  he  set  about  making  himself 
particularly  agreeable  to  his  old  companion.  In  the 
course  of  their  conversation  the  old  gent  learned  John's 
history,  and  that  he  was  now  on  his  way  to  Washington 
in  search  of  business,  to  raise  money  enough  to  carry 
him  west.  His  companion  informed  John  that  he  was 
a  western  man,  and  invited  him  to  bear  him  company  to 


16      THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

his  home  in  Cleveland,  Ohio ;  but  our  hero  preferred 
the  Mississippi  country.  He  agreed,  however,  if  he 
should  fail  in  gaining  business  in  Washington,  to  ac- 
company him  to  Wheeling,  provided  he  would  increase 
the  debt  already  incurred,  and  trust  to  the  goddess,  luck, 
for  payment.  After  being  assured  that  his  company 
was  considered  worth  double  the  sum,  the  matter  was 
set  at  rest,  and  they  entered  Washington  together. 

The  old  man  had  business  in  the  city,  and  proposed 
to  our  hero,  that  while  he  was  transacting  it,  he  should 
take  a  stroll  through  the  offices  and  see  what  chance 
there  was  for  employment,  and  afterwards  meet  him  at 
the  Capitol.  They  separated,  and  when  they  again  met, 
according  to  appointment,  our  typo  "  reported  no  pro- 
gress," so  it  was  instantly  agreed  they  should  depart  for 
Wheeling.  As  they  gazed  from  the  "  spectator's  gal- 
lery," John  whispered  to  his  companion: 

"  I  know  the  mass  of  those  patriots  below,  and  rightly 
appreciate  them,  for  I  have  been  behind  the  curtain — 
have  helped  some  of  them  to  make  good  English  of  their 
speeches  to  Bunkum, — have  seen  their  tricks  to  get  of- 
fice, and  their  tricks  to  keep  them, — have  seen  the  way 
the  cat  jumps,  and  seen  it  jump  too  ;  in  short,  I'm  up 
to  the  whole  <  wool  pulling'  system,  and  I  advise  them 
to  go  it  while  they  can,  for  the  people  may  one  day  find 
them  out,  and  then  their  spreading  here  will  end  in  a 
sprawl  at  home." 

He  had  gradually  grown  warm  in  his  soliloquy,  until 
his  voice  became  audible,  when  the  speaker  struck  his 
hammer,  the  sergeant-at-arms  started  for  the  gallery, 
and  John  and  his  old  friend  started  for  the  stairs. 

On  the  next  morning  the  two  departed  west,  leaving 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  17 

the  seat  of  government  and  its  official  inhabitants,  for 
the  broad  land  of  promise  which  lay  beyond. 

"  What  think  you  of  the  capital  ?"  enquired  the  old 
gentleman,  as  they  journeyed  onward. 

"The  worst,"  answered  our  hero,  and  assuming  a 
Timon  of  Athens  attitude,  he  added,  "  I  have  turned 
my  back  upon  it  in  disgust.  It  is  a  theatre  of  the 
worst  passions  in  our  nature — chicanery  lurks  within 
the  cabinet,  distrust  and  envy  without,  while  fawning 
sycophancy  environs  it  around  and  about.  To  sum  it  up, 
it  is  a  little  of  government — a  great  deal  of  'bunkum,' 
sprinkled  with  a  high  seasoning  of  political  juggling, 
the  whole  of  which  has  but  one  end  and  aim — the  spoils 
of  Uncle  Sam." 

"Bravo  !"  exclaimed  his  old  friend,  "you  will  have 
to  get  elected  from  some  of  the  Western  states,  and  set 
about  cleaning  the  Augean  stable." 

"  Not  I,"  answered  John.  "  It's  too  dirty  a  job,  and 
besides,  the  sovereign  people  claim  it  as  their  peculiar 
privilege,  let  them  smell  it  out  for  themselves." 

Discussing  thus,  things  political,  they  jogged  on  to 
their  place  of  parting,  without  incident  worthy  of  noting 
by  the  way.  John  still  held  to  his  desire  of  visiting  the 
Mississippi  country,  and  his  old  friend  insisted  on  pay- 
ing his  expenses  to  Cincinnati,  our  hero  easily  yielded 
to  his  proposition,  with  the  understanding  that  it  was  to 
be  paid  when  they  again  met. 

"  I  may  one  day  see  you  in  Cleveland,"  said  John, 
"  with  fortune  buckled  on  my  back,  and  if  it  should  be 
there,  <  whether  I  will  or  no,'  be  assured  I  shall  not 
cut  my  old  friends." 

The  old  man  laughed  at  the  careless  abandon  oc 
3 


18  THE  WESTEKN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

his  young  friend,  insisted  upon  his  calling  upon  him  in 
Cleveland  when  he  had  become  tired  of  strolling,  and 
they  parted  with  warm  expressions  of  regard.  Our  hero 
having  found  a  boat  which  drew  so  little  water,  that  it 
would,  as  the  captain  said,  «  run  up  a  tree  with  a  drop 
of  the  element  upon  it,"  he  embarked  on  board,  and 
stretching  his  form  out  in  one  of  the  state-room  berths, 
gave  liberty  to  his  thoughts,  and  wandered  back  in 
memory  to  his  childhood.  Vainly  did  his  memory 
search  for  some  kindred  face  to  dwell  upon,  the  only 
semblance  to  such  was  the  old  shoemaker  and  his  wife  ; 
and  next  to  them  he  placed  his  late  companion, — for 
he  and  his  adopted  parents  were  the  only  beings  in  his 
recollection  who  had  ever  bestowed  upon  him  disinte- 
rested, kindly  regard.  He  felt  that  he  had  floated  like 
a  moat  in  the  sunbeam,  whithersoever  the  breeze  listed, 
having  no  home  where  he  might  nestle  in  health,  or  lie 
down  in  when  seized  by  affliction — no  port  opened  its 
arms  to  his  bark,  nor  had  it  any  destination — because  it 
had  no  papers  !  but  floated  upon  the  broad  wave  of  life 
the  sport  of  fortune — and  a  hard  fortune  at  that.  As 
these  thoughts  stole  over  his  heart,  it  became  sad,  and 
for  the  first  time  in  years  its  fountains  filled  up  to  over- 
flowing, and  poured  its  burning  waters  over  his  cheeks. 
The  future  was  a  matter  of  such  uncertainty,  that  he 
did  not  care  to  think  upon  it,  nor  at  that  moment  did 
he  care  what  it  might  bring  forth — if  good,  well ;  if 
evil,  it  would  be  but  a  change  from  one  feature  of  hard 
fortune  to  another.  In  due  course  of  time  the  queen 
city  of  the  west  appeared  in  the  distance,  and  his  heart 
revived  as  he  gazed  upon  her  young  greatness — hope 
awoke  from  her  short  slumber  to  urge  him  forward  to 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  19 

greater  efforts.  On  landing  he  sought  out  a  printing 
establishment,  and  at  his  first  application  fortune  favored 
him — a  streak  of  fat  was  waiting  for  his  arrival  in  the 
pork  city,  so  throwing  off  his  coat,  he  was  soon  clicking 
the  type  to  the  tune  of  "  better  days  "  and  here  we 
shall  leave  him  until  our  next  chapter. 


CHAPTER  II. 

AN    ADVENTURE    AMONG    THE    OFFICIALS. 

Our  hero  passed  about  two  months  in  the  queen  city, 
when  the  desire  to  move  again  attacked  him,  and  with 
the  impulse  he  shaped  his  way  for  the  Hoosier  state, 
alone,  and  on  foot.  He  was  in  that  peculiar  state  of 
mind,  and  pocket,  which  calls  forth  all  the  coolness  and 
wisdom  of  the  philosopher,  and  to  strengthen  him  on 
his  journey  he  called  up  to  mind  all  those  illustrious 
examples  of  his  craft,  who  had  entered  strange  towns 
barefooted,  and  after  rose  to  eminence  and  distinctions ; 
several  of  whom  now  figured  conspicuously  upon  the 
stage  of  public  action.  Trudging  along  thus,  now  stop- 
ping by  the  roadside  to  rest  and  muse,  again  plodding 
onward  ;  now  weary  and  desponding,  again  cheered  by 
the  carolling  of  the  wood  songsters,  he  would  nourish 
his  staff  with  sovereign  contempt  for  care,  whistle — 
"  While  you  are  young,  you  should  be  gay,"  and  fix- 
ing his  hat  tighter  upon  his  brow  step  out  again  with  a 
republican  stride.  Earth  had  on  her  gayest  livery,  and 
the  rich  foliage  of  the  western  forests  fluttered  in  a 
gentle  breeze ;  which  also  fanned  the  brow  of  the  soli- 


20  THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

tary  wanderer,  as  he  toiled  up  a  rising  hill  in  his  path- 
way. On  reaching  the  brow  of  this  small  eminence  he 
looked  down  upon  a  flourishing  town  which  lay  in  the 
valley  below  him,  and  his  spirits  rose  as  he  gazed  upon 
the  national  flag,  invitingly  fluttering  from  the  top  of  a 
snug-looking  hotel. 

"  Huzza  for  the  old  striped  bunting!"  shouted  John, 
"there  is  luck  wherever  it  waves  supreme,  and  if  I 
don't  come  across  a  streak  of  fat  soon,  to  recompense 
me  for  the  long  lean  one  I  have  been  enjoying,  then 
<  republics  are  ungrateful,'  and  I  shall  join  the  aristo- 
cracy and  declaim  against  them." 

The  village  upon  which  John'  was  gazing  was  at 
that  particular  period  the  scene  of  unusual  commotion, 
anxious  expectation,  and  great  excitement — every  inha- 
bitant appeared  on  tiptoe  about  something.  The  porch 
of  the  hotel  was  occupied  by  a  group  of  leading  citizens 
of  the  town,  among  whom  was  the  postmaster,  the 
squire,  the  parson,  a  distinguished  physician,  a  member 
of  the  bar,  and  sundry  smaller  dignitaries  attached  to 
the  official  stations  of  the  county-seat.  The  black- 
smith would  every  now  and  then  quit  his  forge,  step 
oat  of  his  shop,  and  wiping  the  sweat  from  his  brow 
take  a  long  and  searching  look  up  the  road,  and  then 
returning,  pound  away  at  the  heated  iron  with  pow- 
erful energy.  The  popular  shoemaker  was  leaning 
out  of  his  window  looking  earnestly  in  the  same  di- 
rection as  his  neighbor — the  girls  were  peeping  through 
their  windows  in  a  state  of  expectancy,  and  the  young 
bucks  of  the  town,  dressed  in  their  best,  were  flit- 
ting about  in  sight  of  the  fair  inhabitants,  or  cluster- 
ing in  groups  directly  opposite  the  abode  of  certain 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  21 

village  beauties,  while  the  more  juvenile  portion  of  the 
community  were  throwing  up  dust  in  the  street,  and 
huzzaing  in  a  most  animated  and  enthusiastic  manner — 
in  short,  the  town  was  upon  the  eve  of  a  great  occa- 
sion. The  member  of  congress,  from  that  district,  was 
expected  to  partake  of  a  public  dinner,  on  that  day,  at 
the  principal  hotel  of  the  town  of  M.,  in  the  state  of 
Indiana,  and  his  constituents  had  prepared  to  give  him 
a  hearty  reception  on  his  return  home,  for  the  able 
manner  in  which  he  had  defended  their  interests.  He 
was  expected  every  moment,  and  of  course,  the  place 
was  big  with  anticipation. 

John  wended  his  way  unnoticed  down  the  street,  but 
observing  everything — his  keen  eye  discovered  not  only 
matter  of  interest  in  the  commotion,  but  high  promise — 
there  was  evidently  something  "  out,"  for  the  throbbing 
town,  the  fluttering  banner,  and  the  anxious  groups 
betrayed  it.  Entering  the  hotel  where  the  principal 
citizens  were  assembled,  John  mingled  with  the  throng 
in  the  bar  room,  and  listened  to  learn  the  cause  of  the 
gathering ;  how  did  his  heart  swell  within  him  (for  it 
had  plenty  of  room)  when  he  heard  that  a  public  dinner 
was  on  the  tapis,  a  real  bona  fide  dinner,  of  fish,  flesh, 
and  fowl,  with  an  abundance  of  good  liquor.  John 
determined  to  search  out  the  location  of  that  town  upon 
the  map,  and  mark  it  down  in  his  remembrance  as  pos- 
sessing a  highly  civilized  community.  The  landlord's 
son,  an  urchin  of  about  six  years  of  age,  was  every  now 
and  then  running  into  the  hall,  and  then  out  into  the 
street,  huzzaing  at  every  termination  of  his  race,  run- 
ning against  every  body,  and  putting  on  all  sorts  of 
wild  antics — he  appeared  to  have  "cut"  his  comrades  in 


22  THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO . 

the  street,  and  was  going  the  enthusiastic  on  his  own 
hook,  as  if  fully  impressed  with  the  honors  descending 
upon  his  father's  house — him  our  hero  fixed  upon  to 
learn  particulars,  and  seizing  him  as  he  entered  the  hall, 
enquired  who  was  coming  to  eat  the  dinner  that  day. 

"  Hey,  why,  don't  you  know  ? — I  guess  you're  a  fellar 
of  the  other  party; — it's  the  Governor  that's  a  comin'," 
and  off  dashed  the  young  publican. 

An  alarm  now  drew  the  crowd  in  the  bar  room  out 
to  the  porch,  barkeeper  and  all,  and  a  citizen  having 
left  his  glass  untasted  upon  the  counter,  while  he  went 
to  see  the  matter  of  interest  outside,  John  just  took  the 
liberty  of  tasting  the  contents,  by  way  of  a  priming  to 
nerve  him  for  future  contingencies,  and,  after,  quietly 
strolled  to  the  rear  of  the  house,  where  discovering  a 
darkey  blacking  boots,  he  stuck  up  his  dust-covered  ex- 
tremities, and  authoritatively  ordered  him  to  brush  them 
up  ;  the  darkey  obeyed,  and  a  wash  after,  at  the  pump, 
brought  out  John's  genius  bright  as  a  "  new  dollar" — 
to  use  his  own  expression,  he  was  "a  full  case  and 
printed  copy1."  "While  he  was  arranging  his  cravat  in 
the  sitting  room,  a  shout  rent  the  air  which  made  the 
glass  before  him  rattle.  Again !  again !  huzza !  and 
dashing  down  to  the  hotel  came  a  barouche  containing 
the  guest,  with  the  judge  of  the  district,  a  member  of 
legislature,  and  the  county  clerk.  Huzza !  shouted 
the  village — huzza!  shouted  our  hero, — bang!  went 
a  small  swivel  at  the  upper  end  of  the  town — white 
waved  the  ladies'  handkerchiefs,  and  high  swelled  the 
heart  of  a  nation's  statesman.  At  that  exciting  moment 
the  Indiana  representative  loomed  upon  the  public  eye  al- 
most majestic — Clay  was  no- where,  Polk  wasn't  thought 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  23 

of,  Webster  was  but  a  patching,  and  Van  Buren  was 
small  potatoes — the  only  comparisons  to  the  returned 
representative,  were  Washington  and  old  Hickory. 

The  signal  was  now  given,  and  in  poured  the  sub- 
scribers to  the  dinner,  with  their  guest,  and  in  poured 
John  "  on  his  own  hook."  The  dining  room  shook 
with  applause  as  the  member  took  his  seat.  The  judge 
presided  upon  the  occasion,  and  after  a  blessing  by  the 
parson,  they  set  to  at  the  viands.  We  need  not  enter 
into  particulars  as  to  how  the  eatables  looked  or  how 
they  were  eaten,  suffice  it  they  were  choice  and  plentiful, 
and  that  the  company  showed  an  appreciatian  of  their 
worth  by  clearing  the  table  !  The  host — on  this  occasion 
the  happy  host — stood  behind  the  member's  chair  with 
a  napkin,  as  if  waiting  for  the  great  man  to  get  through, 
so  he  might  wipe  his  mouth  and  hands  for  him.  The 
enthusiasm,  and  the  liquor,  had  set  the  host's  face  in  a 
glow ;  he  looked  as  if  he  felt  the  greatness  of  the  occa- 
sion, and  he  said  he  didn't  care,  if  they  devoured  every 
thing  in  his  house — he  was  repaid  by  the  honor,  indeed, 
he  didn't  know  that  he  had  anything  more  to  live  for 
after  that  day,  it  was  the  crowning  period  of  his  career. 
John,  happy  John !  was  actually  devastating  everything 
within  his  reach — he  hadn't  had  such  a  chance  for  days, 
aye,  weeks,  and  like  Dugald  Dalgetty,  he  not  only  made 
the  most  of  the  present,  but  carefully  laid  up  a  small 
provision  for  the  future.  He  laughed  at  all  jests  within 
hearing,  and  scattered  his  own  with  unusual  brilliancy. 

The  period  had  now  arrived  for  the  toasts  and 
speeches,  the  feast  of  reason  and  the  flow  of  liquor. 
After  the  regulars  were  drank,  the  county  clerk  gained 
the  floor  and  offering  a  few  striking  and  pertinent  remarks, 


24  THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

wherein  he  dwelt  upon  how  the  nation,  and  Indiana  in 
particular,  had  been  rescued  by  their  representative,  he 
proposed  the  following : 

"  Our  representative,  Charles  Stumper,  Esq.,  a  pure 
patriot  of  Indiana,  may  a  nation's  gratitude  yet  make 
him  a  nation's  head." 

Amid  the  loud  plaudits  which  followed,  Charles 
Stumper,  Esq.,  bowed  his  head  as  if  that  head  was 
already  a  national  crowning  piece,  and  swallowing  a 
spoonfull  of  cold  water,  he  arose  from  his  seat  with  a 
dignity  befitting  his  august  station.  We  have  not  room 
here  to  give  his  speech  in  detail — it  was,  of  course, 
great — it  couldn't  be  anything  else!  When  he  finished 
by  saying  that,  "  hereafter,  body,  bones,  blood  and  all 
were  devoted  to  their  service,"  a  shout  went  up  that 
shook  the  town  of  M.  like  a  small  earthquake.  Before 
he  took  his  seat  he  offered  the  following  compliment  : 

"The  town  of  M.,  while  its  citizens  have  an  exist- 
ence, the  country  is  safe  !" 

By  a  loud  shout  the  citizens  of  M.  proclaimed  that 
they  would  save  the  country.  During  these  enthusiastic 
proceedings  our  hero,  by  his  urbanity,  wit,  sentiment, 
and  good  humor,  had  won  a  host  of  friends  around  him, 
and  considerable  curiosity  was  manifested  to  know  who 
he  was,  but  no  one  seemed  able  to  give  a  satisfactory 
reply.  Some  said,  he  came  with  the  congressman,  and 
was  his  particular  friend  ;  others  went  so  far  as  to  in- 
timate that  he  was  another  congressman  in  disguise — 
indeed,  it  was  whispered  that  he  was  a  senator  incog! 

"  Hold  on,  fellars,"  said  one  of  the  citizens,  "jest 
hold  your  hosses,  boys — he'll  come  out  directly ;  fher's 
suthin'  more  in  that  fellar  than's  on  the  outside !" 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  25 

All  appeared  to  agree  to  this  sage  opinion,  and  held 
their  "  hosses"  accordingly.  At  length  a  pause  occur- 
ing,  as  agreed  upon  by  the  editor  of  the  county  paper, 
the  principal  lawyer  of  the  town  toasted  "  The  Press, 
the  guardian  of  republican  liberty."  This  toast  was 
offered  to  afford  the  county  editor  a  chance  to  deliver 
a  speech,  which  he  had  prepared  for  the  occasion,  but 
before  he  could  clear  his  throat  and  get  upon  his  legs, 
John  had  gained  the  floor,  and  in  a  clear  tone  called 
the  attention  of  the  table.  Here  wras  a  subject  upon 
which  John  was  at  home — he  knew  the  press  "  like  a 
book,"  and  with  easy  manner  and  consummate  assurance, 
opened  upon  the  great  subject  of  its  power.  As  he  pro- 
ceeded, all  eyes  dilated ! — he  pictured  its  progress  from 
its  earliest  advent — its  days  of  weakness,  until  its  present 
wide-spread  influence  and  power ;  he  grew  eloquent, 
and  at  length  wound  up  with  the  following  flourish : 

»  To  the  press,  gentlemen,  we  owe  all  the  astonishing 
achievements  of  modern  times — they  are  the  fruits  of 
its  power.  It  was  the  press  which  in  an  iron  age  un- 
shackled the  mind  of  man  and  gave  free  scope  to  his 
intellect, — taught  him  to  soar  over  the  elemental  fields 
which  gird  him  round  about,  and  search  into  the  sources 
of  his  own  being,  the  causes  which  produced  the  great 
harmony  in  universal  nature,  and  how  to  draw  from 
those  causes  effects  which  would  promote  his  happiness 
— sent  him  forth  upon  the  great  field  of  discovery,  and 
spreading  his  achievements  before  the  world,  drew  forth 
the  might  of  mind  to  his  aid,  and  now  having  led  him 
to  subdue  the  very  lightning  to  his  will,  is  by  its  aid 
scattering  intelligence  broadcast  through  the  earth.  It 
is  not  merely  the  guardian  of  Liberty — it  is  its  creator ' 


26  THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

As  the  sun  is  to  the  solar  system,,  so  is  the  press  to 
human  society ;  eclipse  either,  and  man  is  left  in  a  night 
of  darkness  more  dreadful  than  annihilation  !" 

Applauses  long  and  loud  greeted  his  closing  words; 
even  the  ladies,  looking  through  the  windows  of  the 
hotel  from  the  porch  which  surrounded  it,  joined  in 
the  tokens  of  satisfaction,  and  now  more  eagerly  than 
ever  the  question  was  propounded — "  who  is  he  ?"  No 
one  knew,  but  all  were  high  in  his  praise,  and  honors 
were  showered  so  thick  upon  him  that  he  hardly  knew 
what  he  was  about — every  body  wanted  to  drink  with 
him,  and  he  drank  with  every  body.  Order  was  called 
for  his  toast,  and  he  gave — 

"  The  ladies  of  M. — If  heaven  should  blot  out  the 
stars,  we  will  not  discover  the  loss  while  surrounded  by 
their  bright  eyes." 

The  huzzas  became  so  deafening,  the  glory  was  so 
unexpected,  and  the  liquor  was  so  pungent,  that  John 
lost  his  compass,  and  began  to  beat  about  wild.  Some 
one  said  he  would  make  a  first  rate  stump  speaker,  and 
to  prove  his  capability  he  commenced  a  political  speech, 
■ — sad  mishap  ! — sad,  because  he  forgot  which  side  he 
should  be  on !  and  commenced  a  most  scathing  tirade 
against  the  very  party  he  was  feasting  with.  He  had  so 
won  upon  their  good  opinion  that  they  listened  patiently 
for  awhile,  but  patience  soon  melted  away,  and  "  turn 
him  out,"  was  shouted  from  all  sides  of  the  table — the 
editor  of  the  county  paper  was  most  violent  for  thrusting 
him  out,  for  John  had  cut  him  out  of  his  speech  On  the 
press. 

"Turn  him  out!"  shouted  the  editor,  "he's  a  base 
spy  in  the  camp.' 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  27 

John  perceived  in  a  moment  his  fatal  error,  and  felt 
happy  that  it  did  not  occur  until  dinner  was  over — he  felt 
that  he  had  made  an  impression,  and  was  proud  that  it 
was  through  no  compromise  of  principle  he  had  tasted 
of  their  hospitality,  and  showed  them  he  was  an  oppo- 
nent still ;  all  that  remained  now,  was  to  make  a  dignified 
retreat,  and  raising,  with  some  difficulty,  erect,  he  said  : 

"  Gentlemen,  when  I  entered,  (hic)-tered  this  as- 
sembly, I  thought  I  was  among  brethren,  but  I,  (hie)  I 
find  I  was  deceived,  and  that  I  have  been  somewhat 
contaminated  through  error,  so,  (hie)  so  with  your  per- 
mission I'll  withdraw  and  repent.  I  will  no  long-(hic) 
longer  be  one  of  you,  but  go  forth  to  breathe  a  freer 
air." 

At  this  moment  he  raised  his  hat  to  place  it  on  his 
head,  with  a  flourish,  when  out  dropped  the  half  of  a 
chicken,  and  two  doughnuts,  which  he  had  stowed  away 
for  a  lunch.  Their  falling  just  at  that  particular  moment 
bothered  him,  and  to  leave  them  there  bothered  him 
worse,  but  to  pick  them  up  was  too  humiliating — he 
scorned  the  action  ;  since  they  would  fall,  why  there 
let  them  lie,  he  would  none  of  them. 

"  Old  fellar,"  said  a  hoosier  citizen,  "  you'd  better 
pick  up  your  chicken  fixens  afore  you  go." 

"Never!"  shouted  John,  indignantly,  "I  should 
des-(hic)  despise  myself  if  I  carried  off  the  spoils  of 
the  enemy — you  and  your  fragments  may  go  to  the 
d 1!" 

A  yell  followed  his  retreat,  which  would  have  shaken 
the  nerves  of  a  Coriolanus,  but  they  steadied  our  hero's, 
and  calm  and  composed  he  strode  through  the  door  lead 
ing  from  the  dining  room.    The  county  editor  seized  the 


28  THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

chicken  and  doughnuts,  and  hurled  them  after  Um, 
when  John  coolly  closed  the  door,  picked  up  the  in- 
dignities, put  them  in  his  hat,  and  departed.  Taking 
the  road  which  led  from  the  town,  he  turned  his  back 
upon  the  scene  of  the  late  festivities.  As  he  again 
plodded  onward  he  might  be  heard  ejaculating — "Well, 
wasn't  that  a  streak  of  fat!  What  a  dinner!  Fit  for  the 
gods,  as  I'm  a  gentleman  !  Rather  funny  at  the  winding 
up,  but  the  commencement  and  the  continuation  was 
conducted  with  statesmanlike  skill,  and  after  all,  the 
winding  up  was  but  an  agreeable  little  interlude." 

As  John  crept  into  a  barn  that  night,  some  few  miles 
from  the  town  of  M.,  and  stretched  himself  upon  the 
straw  to  sleep  off  the  glories  of  the  day,  he  quietly 
murmured  to  himself — "Well,  here  goes  for  another 
streak  of  lean  /" 


CHAPTER  III. 

John's  editorial  career. 

In  our  hero's  peregrinations  he  wandered  into  the 
Sucker  state,  the  country  of  vast  projected  rail  roads, 
good  corndodger,  splendid  banking  houses,  and  poor 
currency,  and  during  his  progress  therein  he  earned  and 
hoarded  about  one  hundred  and  fifty  bona  fide  dollars. 
With  this  store  of  wealth  jingling  in  his  pockets,  he  en- 
tered the  town  of  B ;  he  did  not  come  now  as  the 

needy  adventurer,  but  as  one  holding  one  hundred  and 
fifty  considerations  entitling  him  to  respsct.  The  world 
had  taken  a  wider  spread  to  his  eye,  and  assumed  new 
features,  or  rather  he  began  to  see  with  a  clearer  vision, 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  29 

for  the  common  order  of  society  appeared  now,  as 
plain  as  daylight,  to  have  most  villainous  faces,  and  the 
respectability  of  wealth  was  as  apparent  as  moonshine — 
he  could  now  easily  assign  a  reason  for  the  deference 
paid  to  high  station — in  short,  he  had  arrived  at  a  state 
of  feeling  highly  becoming  the  possessor  of  increasing 
wealth.  Addressing  the  innkeeper  of  the  town,  who 
was  a  member  of  one  of  the  first  families,  with  an  air 
of  consequence,  he  demanded  a  whole  room  for  his 
accommodation,  when  heretofore  the  third  chance  in  a 
bed  would  have  been  considered  a  luxury,  oriental  in  its 
character,  and  a  blessing  befitting  a  "three  tailed  bashaw. " 
The  little  town  was  an  important  one,  as  all  sucker 
towns  are,  yet  the  arrival  of  our  hero  was  enough  to 
create  a  sensation  from  its  one  extremity  to  the  other. 
An  acquaintance  with  the  innkeeper  soon  gained  him 
an  introduction  to  the  member  of  the  legislature  from 
that  district,  and  this  opening  soon  made  him  intimate 
with  the  town.  Many  efforts  were  made  by  the  citizens 
to  "  draw  him  out,"  and  learn  his  business,  but  John 
kept  dark.  "  He's  a  close  fellar,"  said  a  sucker 
citizen,  "but  I  reckon,  arter  all,  his  business  is  pole- 
ticks."  These  and  sundry  other  "ambiguous  givings 
out,"  assured  our  hero  that  he  was  a  subject  of  gene- 
ral interest.  "  What  is  his  politics  ?"  was  a  question  of 
import,  duly  discussed  in  the  leading  political  circles  ; 
and  "was  he  married?" — and,  "who'd  get  him,  if  he 
wasn't  ?"  was  equally  an  absorbing  matter  of  interest 
among  the  ladies;  indeed,  an  animated  discussion  as  to 
his  preference  had  already  caused  a  coolness  between 
several  pairs  of  devoted  female  friends.  It  was  said 
that  the  pert  Miss  A — ,  the  storekeeper's  daughter,  had 


30  THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

absolutely  walked  down  the  principal  street  of  B , 

right  before  our  hero,  swinging  the  skirt  of  her  frock 
in  a  most  enticing  manner.  Such  a  bold  and  forced 
movement  to  take  him  by  surprise,  before  any  other 
maid  could  get  a  chance,  was  declared,  at  a  tea  and 
gossip  party,  to  be  most  "  tolerable  and  not  to  be  en- 
dured." At  length  his  object  was  made  known — he 
inquired  of  the  legislative  member,  if  that  was  a  good 
point  to  establish  a  paper,  and  as  soon  as  his  surprise 
would  permit,  the  member  declared  it  to  be  an  immense 
place,  indeed,  an  enormous  location,  and  more  than  that, 
the  material  for  an  establishment  was  in  the  town,  had 
been  in  operation,  and  all  it  wanted  was  an  editor  to 
conduct  the  paper.  John  signified  his  ability  and  wil- 
lingness, and  the  intelligence  spread  through  the  town 
like  a  prairie  fire,  and  some  pretty  noses  turned  up  as 
their  owners  exclaimed— "Why,  I  swow,  he's  only  a 
printer,  after  all !" 

The  member  for  the  district,  along,  lanky,  cadaverous 
lawyer,  who  was  death  on  a  speech,  powerful  in  chew- 
ing tobacco,  and  some  at  a  whisky  drinking,  was  part 
owner  of  the  printing  concern,  and  having  an  opponent 
in  the  district,  who  had  started  a  paper  in  the  lower 
town,  on  the  river,  to  oppose  him,  he  was  most  anxious 
to  get  the  press  going ;  so,  assuring  John  he  could  have 
it  at  his  own  terms,  and  one  hundred  and  fifty  subscribers 
to  commence  with,  wThich  must  of  course  swell  to  a 
thousand,  they  settled  the  matter,  and  proceeded  to 
examine  the  establishment.  It  was  at  length  agreed 
that  our  hero  should  give  one  hundred  and  twenty-five 
dollars  of  his  one  hundred  and  fifty,  in  cash,  and  his 
note  for  four  hundred  and  fifty  dollars  more,  payable  at 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  31 

the  end  of  a  year,  besides  fifty  dollars  rent  for  the  office, 
which  also  belonged  to  the  lawyer.  A  meeting  of 
the  first  citizens  of  the  town  was  held  on  the  ensuing 
evening,  to  which  John  Earl,  Esq.,  was  formally  intro- 
duced as  the  new  editor  of  the  B Eagle,  and  the 

re-commencement  of  the  paper  duly  discussed. 

"  You've  hearn  tell  of  the  bank  and  tariff  questions  ?" 
inquired  a  leading  constituent  and  subscriber. 

John  answered  "yes,"  he  was  somewhat  acquainted 
with  them. 

"  Well,  hoss,  we  'spect  you  to  be  right  co-chunk  up 
to  the  hub  on  them  thar  questions,  and  to  pour  it  inter 
the  inimy  in  slashergafT style." 

John  agreed  to  do  his  prettiest. 

"  In  the  town  below  us,"  continued  the  constituent, 
"thar  is  a  fellar  of  the  inimy  who's  dead  bitter  agin 
us  and  our  town,  so  you  must  gin  him  scissors  !  Rile 
him  up,  and  sot  his  liver  workin',  'cause  the  skunk  is 
injurin'  our  location.  Advartis'  our  doins'  in  gineral, 
sich  as  we  got  to  sell,  and  throw  yourself  wide  on  the 
literary  fixins  and  poetry,  for  the  galls — and,  Mister 
Earl,  ef  you  ony  do  this  genteely,  and  with  spirit,  the 
whole  town  will  take  the  paper !  Don't  forgit  to  gin  the 
town  below  particular  saltpetre." 

John  gave  them  to  understand  that  if  his  subscribers 
wished  it,  he  would  not  only  cut  up  the  editor,  but 
throw  the  lower  town  into  a  series  of  fits  which  would 
cause  its  utter  dissolution.  All  being  duly  settled,  our 
hero  retired  to  his  room  to  dream  of  future  greatness. 
Already  did  he  behold  sheets  filled  with  editorial  tact 
and  talent — already  wTas  his  name  inscribed  upon  the 
roll  with  illustrious  editorial  contemporaries — Ritchie, 


32  THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

Pleasants,  Blair,  Gales,  Chandler,  Prentice  and  Neal, 
those  great  names  of  the  tripod  tribe  already  numbered 
him  on  their  list,  and  he  fancied  "his  name  grown  great 
in  mouths  of  wisest  censure,"  while  his  pockets  were 
correspondingly  corpulent  with  the  reward  for  such 
ability.  Poor  fellow,  could  he  have  drawn  aside  the 
curtain,  and  beheld  the  days  of  toil,  the  struggles  to 
procure  ink  and  paper,  the  labor  of  writing  editorials, 
and  the  labor  of  setting  them  up,  working  them  off  at 
press,  pasting  up  the  mail,  and  the  lack  of  reward  which 
repaid  this  drudgery,  he  would  have  kicked  ambition 
out  of  his  company,  and  clutched  his  little  hoard  like  a 
vice. 

The  town  of  B and  the  town  below,  had  been 

rivals  ever  since  they  were  first  laid  out  upon  a  map — 
the  growth  of  one  had  always  been  the  envy  of  the 
other,  and  an  improvement  in  one  was  sure  to  be  imi- 
tated by  the  other.  The  lower  town  had  been  most  suc- 
cessful in  the  publication  of  a  newspaper,  for  the  reason 
that  they  paid  something  to  support  it,  while  the  town 
of  B suffered  for  the  neglect  they  manifested  to- 
wards the  press.  The  editor  below  not  only  abused 
the  religion,  politics,  merchandise,  and  intelligence  of 

B ,  but  the  beauty  of  the  women,  and  the  smartness 

of  the  babies  ;  he  had  even  gone  so  far  as  to  say  that 

B women  and  babies   could  be   known  by  their 

heads.  This  was  an  outrage  most  unpardonable,  and 
John  rose  in  estimation  as  their  defender  against  such 
vandal  accusations. 

Behold  John  seated  scratching  out  his  first  editorial ! 
Ah,  ye  weavers  of  cheap  literature,  who  have  watched 
with  aching  curiosity  the  appearance  of  your  first  pro- 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  33 

auction — ye  writers  of  small  poetry  for  daily  journals, 
who  have  listened  so  eagerly  for  praise — ye  penny  edi- 
tors who  have  successfully  tickled  the  popular  ear — ye 
ruling  deities  of  mammoth  weeklies,  what  are  all  your 
feelings,  concentrated  into  one  great  throb,  in  comparison 
to  the  mighty  throes  of  talent  waking  from  her  sleep  in 
the  mind  of  John  Earl.  It  would  have  shocked  the 
lower  town  like  the  heaving  of  a  volcano,  had  they  but 
known  the  shower  of  expletives  our  hero  was  tracing  on 
the  sheet  before  him.  Goths  and  Vandals,  corruption 
and  spoilsmen,  traitors  and  apostates,  vile  incendiaries 
and  polluting  vipers,  poisonous  demagogues,  and  a  host 
more,  bitter  as  sin,  were  showered  like  hail  from  his 
pen,  when  giving  "perticular  goss"  to  the  lower  town 
editor  and  his  abettors. 

With  the  appearance  of  the  first  number  our  hero's 
consequence  began  to  rise,  the  respectable  citizens  took 
him  cordially  by  the  hand,  and  their  daughters  smiled 
upon  him,  while  the  poorer  inhabitants  wondered  at  his 
"larnin'." 

"  A  most  excellent  first  number,"  said  the  lanky 
member,  "  a  good  quantity  of  hot  shot — just  the  thing 
■ — sew  the  lower  town  up — you've  got  prodigious  talents 
— immense  !" 

John  bowed  to  the  pleasing  flattery. 

"Well,  hoss,"  said  the  storekeeper  constituent  and 
subscriber,  "  You've  slashed  the  hide  ofF'er  that  fellar 
in  the  lower  town,  touched  his  raw,  and  rumpled  his 
feathers — that's  the  way  to  give  him  jessy.  I  raily  be- 
lieve you'll  git  yourself  inter  the  legislatur'  afore  long, 
ef  you  keep  on." 

Our  hero  listened  to  these  first  breathings  of  fame 
5 


34  THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

with  a  swelling  bosom — there  was  a  chance  of  his  becom- 
ing somebody,  at  last,  and  labor  became  a  pleasure  when 
it  produced  such  a  yield.  At  a  public  meeting  called  in 
the  town  he  was  elected  secretary,  and  ventured  on  the 
occasion  to  make  a  speech,  which  was  loudly  applauded, 
and  in  the  next  number  of  the  Eagle  appeared  a  glowing 
description  of  the  proceedings,  with  a  synopsis  of  his 
Own  speech.  This  awoke  some  jealousy  in  the  mind  of 
the  lanky  member,  who  thought  John  wished  to  supplant 
him.  As  time  progressed  the  Eagle  increased  its  subscrip- 
tion to  two  hundred,  its  editor  grew  popular,  in  debt, 
and  received  nothing  from  his  subscribers — indeed,  he 
soon  discovered  that  pay  made  up  no  part  of  their  pa- 
tronage, and  he  began  to  grow  tired  of  laboring  for  glory 
alone.  All  this  time  the  war  was  waging  hotter  and 
thicker  between  the  towns  and  their  editors.  At  length 
he  of  the  lowTer  town  inserted  in  his  "Patriotic  Herald 
and  Telegraph"  the  following  : 

$$p"  We  are  informed,  from  good  authority,  that  the 
Buzzard  of  the  Eagle  cannot  pay  his  board  bill,  and 
fears  are  entertained  that  he  will  slope  without  liquidat- 
ing the  debt !" 

This  was  personal — every  body  said  it  was  personal 
— the  lanky  member  said  it  must  be  wiped  out  with 
blood — the  storekeeper  swore  that  John  must  "  eat  the 

other  fellar's  gizzard"  and  the  ladies  of  B resolved, 

at  a  tea  party,  that  the  death  of  the  lower  town  editor 
could  alone  atone  for  the  many  indignities  he  had  heaped 
upon  them,  and  John  wras  the  very  man  to  offer  himself 
up  as  a  sacrifice.  All  the  subscribers  to  the  Eagle  were 
interested  in  the  matter,  for  they  would  gain  in  any 
event,  as  how  :  If  the  lower  town  editor  was  removed, 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  60 

an  enemy  had  perished  ;  if  John  fell,  a  creditor's  ac- 
counts were  closed,  so  they  were  unanimous  for  a  duel. 
The  lanky  member  informed  John  of  the  general  opinion 
of  the  public  as  to  what  he  should  do,  and  urged  the 
sending  of  a  challenge  forthwith,  which  he  offered  to 
bear.  John  intimated  that  he  must  have  a  day  to  prac- 
tise before  he  sent  the  missive,  and  this  was  acceded 
to  as  prudent,  but  bowie  knives  were  recommended  by 
his  friend  as  much  the  safest  and  sure  means  of  killing. 
Our  hero  seated  himself  in  the  Eagle  office  that  night, 
where  the  ghost  of  his  departed  greatness  visited  his 
waking  thoughts,  to  laugh  at  his  present  misery.  Of 
his  one  hundred  and  fifty  dollars,  but  twenty-five  re- 
mained— his  clothes  were  nearly  worn  out — his  board 
bill  unpaid — his  subscriptions  and  advertisements  ditto, 
and  the  supply  of  paper  and  ink  was  insufficient  for 
another  issue,  besides  a  duel  on  hand  with  another  poor 
devil  of  an  editor,  and  the  whole  town  thirsting  for  the 
bloody  transaction.  A  thought  flashed  upon  his  brain — 
he  would  go  see  his  antagonist.  No  sooner  was  the 
idea  conceived  than  he  put  it  in  execution.  Gathering 
up  his  remaining  twenty-five  dollars  he  set  off  in  the 
night  for  the  lower  town,  where  he  arrived  about  day- 
light. After  a  hasty  breakfast  at  the  inn,  he  entered  the 
"  Herald  office,"  and  seating  himself  upon  the  only  chair 
in  the  establishment,  inquired  for  the  editor.  A  little 
pale  man,  engaged  at  case,  lay  down  his  composing  stick 
and  advanced,  expecting  a  new  subscriber,  but  started 
to  run  as  soon  as  he  was  informed  that  the  editor  of  the 
«  Eagle"  was  before  him.  John  stopped  his  egress 
and  made  him  sit  down  while  he  talked  to  him.  A 
conversation  brought  on  mutual  apologies,  and  he  found 


36  THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

his  antagonist  as  great  a  sufferer  as  himself — the  mere 
hack  of  county  politicians,  who  had  been  lured  by  the 
same  phantom — greatness,  until  he  had  worn  himself  to 
a  corresponding  shadow,  chasing  the  vision.  The  two 
typo  editors  shook  hands  in  friendship,  and  our  hero 
departed  homeward. 

On  John's  arrival  he  encountered  the  member,  who 
urged  the  immediate  despatch  of  the  challenge,  which 
John  refused,  and  to  his  refusal  added  some  words  of 
contempt  for  the  citizens  of  B ,  and  their  represen- 
tative in  particular.  This  aroused  the  member,  who  de- 
clared that  cowardice  had  driven  him  over  to  the  enemy. 
To  prove  the  falsehood  of  this  assertion,  John  knocked 
the  member  down,  and  kicked  his  honor  must  indig- 
nantly. The  editor  of  the  Eagle  was  well  aware,  that 
after  this  outbreak  he  must  "break  for  tall  timber,"  so 
cooking  a  smash  dish  of  pi  in  his  office,  he  bequeathed 
the  feast  to  his  successor,  and  leaving  his  subscription 
list,  and  interest  in  the  concern,  to  pay  his  debts,  he 
beat  a  hasty  retreat.  As  he  hurried  through  the  woods 
skirting  the  river,  the  welcome  puff  of  a  steamer  saluted 
his  ear,  and  waving  his  handkerchief  as  a  signal,  she 
stopped,  landed  a  boat,  and  took  him  on  board. 

Farewell  to  B ,  its  dreams  of  greatness  had  faded 

to  mist,  and  instead  of  growing  honor,  emolument,  and 
renown,  it  had  yielded  naught  but  the  fruit  of  bitterness, 
accompanied  with  toil  and  care,  the  end  of  which  was  a 
roll  back  to  the  bottom  of  the  hill  he  had  fancied  already 
climbed.  The  great  of  earth  will  smile  at  his  troubles, 
■ — happy  for  him  that  his  disposition  would  only  permit 
them  to  cause  a  momentary  sadness.  As  the  steamer 
receded  from  the  scene  of  his  late  vexation  and  care,  he 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  61 

began  to  rejoice  in  his  freedom,  and  in  a  light-hearted 
mood  paced  her  deck,  an  untrammelled  candidate  for 
new  fortune.  Bright  dreams  of  the  future  came  again, 
and  what  a  blessing  it  is  that  the  lonely  adventurer  in 
this  world  is  permitted  to  dream,  for  with  a  vivid  ima- 
gination he  may  revel  in  joys  which  waking  reality  can 
never  equal. 

Let  us  return  a  moment  to  B .    All  there,  as  may 

be  supposed,  was  a  scene  of  confusion,  indignation,  and 
horror,  at  the  outrage  inflicted  upon  the  member — he 
had  absolutely  been  lacked  !  A  warrant  was  issued  for 
John,  and  then  it  was  discovered  he  had  sloped — more 
indignation!  The  editor  of  the  lower  town  still  lived, 
and  the  member  had  been  kicked — horror!  The  office 
of  the  Eagle  was  in  pi  and  its  editor  non  est,  which 
means  nowhere — terrible  excitement !  Here  was  capital 
for  the  lower  town  editor,  and  didn't  he  use  it — to  use  a 
classical  expression  he  lit  upon  the  upper  town  and  its 
member  "  like  a  thousand  of  brick!"  He  charged  them 
with  starving  their  editor,  charged  their  editor  with  cow- 
ardice, charged  the  member  with  tamely  submitting  to 
be  kicked  by  the  aforesaid  cowardly  editor,  and  wound 
up  by  asserting  that  the  town  of  B produced  no- 
thing but  pusillanimous  men,  ugly  women,  and  pug- 
nosed  babies  !    The  glory  of  B ,  departed  while  the 

lower  town  swelled  into  vast  importance,  and  its  editor 
received  a  present  of  two  new  shirts  from  the  ladies  of 
his  section,  besides  three  spirited  subscribers  paid  him 
one  dollar  each,  of  their  four  years  subscription — a  stretch 
of  liberality  so  astounding,  that  to  this  day  the  event 
forms  one  of  the  most  interesting  legends  of  the  Sucker 
state. 


38  THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

CHAPTER  IV. 

HIS    WANDERINGS    THROUGH    THE    PRAIRIES. 

John,  now  released  from  his  thraldom,  bent  his  way  to 
Chicago,  to  pursue  fortune  in  the  lake  country,  and  land- 
ing at  Peoria,  he  resolved  to  foot  it  across  the  prairies, 
to  the  head  of  Lake  Michigan.  His  store,  as  usual,  em- 
braced a  scanty  wardrobe,  attached  to  the  end  of  a  stick, 
and  twenty  dollars  in  cash.  As  he  journeyed  on,  he  would 
occasionally  break  into  a  laugh  as  the  recollections  of 

B would    intrude  themselves  upon  his  thoughts. 

His  former  castle-building,  however,  served  to  enliven 
the  way  with  merriment,  as  foot  and  eye  travelled  into 
the  future,  and  setting  the  past  down  as  so  much  paid 
for  experience,  he  consoled  himself  with  the  thought  of 
his  youth  and  health,  snapped  his  fingers  at  care,  and 
held  himself  in  an  easy  state  of  mind  to  receive  what- 
ever fate  might  send  him.  At  the  close  of  the  second  day 
of  his  journey  he  halted  on  the  edge  of  a  prairie  at  a  small 
log  house.  A  tidy  woman  was  bustling  about  in  the  in- 
terior, and  two  children,  whose  little  faces  were  yellow 
as  saffron,  sat  listlessly  upon  the  door  sill,  playing  with 
bits  of  broken  delf.  Their  narrow  habitation  presented 
little  of  comfort  to  cheer  the  inmates  or  welcome  the 
traveller.  He  inquired  if  he  could  lodge  there,  and 
the  woman  answered  that  such  as  she  had  to  offer,  he 
was  welcome  to,  but  being  a  lonely  widow,  and  far 
from  where  any  thing  comfortable  could  be  obtained, 
she  had  but  poor  accommodations  to  offer.  Our  hero 
was  easily  pleased,  and  so  signified  to  her.  Depositing 
his  bundle  within,  he  took  the  axe  from  her  hands,  with 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  39 

which  she  was  about  to  chop  some  wood,  and  throwing 
off  his  coat,  he  prepared  the  fuel  to  cook  their  evening 
repast,  then  seating  himself  upon  a  hickory  bottomed 
chair,  he  took  the  widow's  sickly  little  daughter  upon 
his  knee,  and  coaxed  a  smile  into  her  wan  countenance. 
The  mother  watched  the  gambols  of  her  child  with  the 
merry  stranger,  and  a  tear  of  pleasure  sparkled  in  her 
eye,  while  the  feeling  sent  a  pleasing  expression  over 
her  sad  countenance ;  she  spoke  to  him,  too,  in  a  tone 
of  kindness  different  from  her  first  words,  because  there 
was  something  friendly  about  his  manner,  and  his  light- 
hearted  gayety  was  cheering  to  her  sorrow. 

When  the  table  was  spread,  the  corn  cakes  and  pork 
placed  upon  it,  with  some  milk,  John  seated  himself 
with  the  children  beside  him,  and  attended  to  their  little 
wants,  with  such  kindness  of  manner,  that  ere  the  meal 
had  ended,  the  little  family  began  to  imbibe  something 
of  their  guest's  gay  spirit.  As  they  gathered  around  the 
fire  that  evening,  the  widow  ventured  to  inquire  where 
her  visiter  was  from,  and  when  he  informed  her  he  was 
a  Philadelphian,  her  eyes  filled  with  tears, — that,  too, 
was  her  birthplace.  Looking  upon  the  stranger,  now,  as 
a  brother  whom  she  had  encountered  in  the  wilderness, 
she  poured  into  his  ear  her  sad  story.  Her  husband  and 
herself,  both  young,  had  started  some  years  previous 
from  Philadelphia,  for  the  west — his  object  being  to 
secure  a  home  of  his  own,  and  liking  the  spot  where 
their  cabin  stood,  they  "  squatted  ;"  all  went  cheerfully 
for  a  time,  but  sickness  soon  came,  and  the  prevailing 
fever  of  the  country  had  swept  him  away  from  her  side, 
leaving  her  far  from  the  home  of  her  childhood,  with 
two  children,  friendless  and  alone.     Sad  days  had  pass- 


40      THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

ed  since  then,  and  hope  was  almost  dead  within  her. 
Beneath  a  small  hillock,  surrounded  with  a  little  paling 
of  pointed  sticks,  drove  into  the  ground  by  her  own 
hands,  reposed  the  remains  of  her  husband,  and  there 
lay  buried  all  her  hopes  for  the  future.  John  spoke 
cheeringly  to  her,  and  to  divert  her  thoughts  from  pre- 
sent sorrow,  talked  of  their  far-off  home.  The  widow's 
little  girl  nestled  in  his  lap,  her  little  hands  clasped 
around  one  of  his,  her  head  reclining  upon  his  breast, 
while  on  a  stool  at  the  mother's  side  sat  her  little  boy, 
and  thus  and  there  the  wandering  printer  called  up  a 
panorama  of  their  birthplace.  Old  Christ  Church  bells 
sounded  in  their  ears  again  a  Christmas'  peal — together 
they  wandered  by  the  Schuylkill  side  ;  or,  climbing 
Fair  Mount  hill,  looked  out  upon  the  wide-spread  city  ; 
or,  trod  again  its  streets  teeming  with  a  gay  and  busy 
populace — each  well-known  antique  habitation  or  hall, 
remembered  by  both,  was  spoken  of  with  affection,  as 
a  memento  of  happy  days — the  wide  and  dreary  prairie, 
over  which  the  autumn  wind  was  sighing  cold  and 
sadly,  was  forgotten  now — scenes  far  away  rose  like 
shadows  around  the  inhabitants  of  the  log  mansion,  and 
the  hum  of  the  old  city  drowned  the  voice  of  the  west 
wind,  as  it  moaned  around  their  dwelling.  There  was 
the  place,  and  those  the  circumstances,  in  which  home 
wore  its  most  heavenly  hue.  The  lone  widow  that 
night  thanked  Heaven  in  her  prayers,  that  one  had  been 
directed  across  her  pathway  to  cheer  her  heart  with  sweet 
remembrances  ;  and  in  her  dreams,  as  she  wandered 
again  among  the  scenes  of  childhood,  the  faces  she  met 
all  bore  resemblance  to  the  stranger — their  tones  of 
welcome  sounded  like  his,  and  a  smile,  sweet  as  ever, 


;  Reusing  his  hat  and  kissing  his  hand,  he  turned  down  the  slope."— Page  41. 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  41 

rested  upon  a  virtuous  mother's  lip ;  she  slumbered 
through  the  live  long  night  in  happiness.  The  good 
angel,  who  registers  kindness  of  mortal  to  mortal,  surely 
marked  here  a  credit  in  favor  of  the  typo. 

When  the  morning  sun  cast  his  golden  sheen  over 
the  rich  carpet  of  the  prairie,  John  prepared  to  depart, 
and  shaking  the  widow  by  the  hand,  he  assured  her  that 
she  should  see  home  again,  for  he  would  search  out  her 
friends  and  have  her  sent  for.  As  he  stepped  off  from 
the  house,  the  little  girl  run  after  him  for  a  farewell  kiss, 
and  taking  out  of  his  pocket  the  remainder  of  his  little 
wealth,  seventeen  dollars  in  all,  he  reserved  one  dollar 
for  his  travelling  expenses,  and  placing  his  purse,  with 
the  remaining  sixteen  dollars,  in  the  belt  of  the  child, 
sent  her  back  to  her  mother,  and  with  the  step  of  an 
emperor  strode  on  his  way.  At  the  brow  of  a  rising 
slope,  in  view  of  the  cabin,  he  turned  back  to  look,  and 
saw  the  widow  and  her  little  ones  wTatchin£  his  receding 
footsteps — raising  his  hat  and  kissing  his  hand  he  turned 
down  the  slope  and  was  soon  hidden  from  their  sight. 
Improvident  John,  to  thus  give  all  thy  store,  except  a 
trifle,  to  the  widow  and  the  orphan.  Ah,  ye  cold  and 
sordid  ones  of  earth,  a  single  thrill  such  as  played  about 
his  heart  then,  was  worth  a  mountain  of  your  money  bags. 
Contrasting  his  situation  with  the  poor  widow  whom  he 
had  just  departed  from,  he  felt  rich  as  Croesus — the 
craft  of  his  hand,  his  robust  youth,  and  a  single  dollar 
wrere  odds  in  his  favor  against  the  worst  circumstances. 

Two  days  more  had  passed  when  weary  and  foot-sore 
he  approached  a  small  village,  and  accosting  an  inha- 
bitant leaning  over  a  fence,  he  inquired  if  there  was  any 
chance  of  employment  in  the  neighborhood. 


42      THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

»  Well,  I'm  of  the  opinion,  stranger,"  said  the  sucker, 
"that  your  chance  here,  is  pretty  much  as  to  what  you 
can  do — ef  you'r  anythin'  of  a  brick  maker,  Old  Jo 
Simms  wants  a  man  at  his  yard,  down  thar  at  the 
branch  ;  but  you  don't  look  amazin'  like  a  mud  moul- 
der, hoss  !" 

"I'm  not  much  for  looks,"  said  John,  "but  I'm 
creation  at  shaping  things,  and  as  for  bricks,  I'm  a 
whole  load  of  them — 'front  stretchers,'  at  that — made 
of  choice  clay — Father  Adam's  patent — so  just  point 
the  way  to  Jo  Simms,  and  some  day  come  over  and 
see  a  specimen  of  my  brick." 

Receiving  the  proper  direction,  down  he  went  to  the 
brick-maker's  dwelling,  where,  on  entering,  he  en- 
countered old  Mrs.  Jo  Simms,  and  a  look  at  her  good 
humored  countenance  satisfied  him,  that  an  instalment 
on  his  new  situation,  in  the  shape  of  a  supper  and  bed, 
was  not  only  possible,  but  very  probable.  After  making 
known  his  business,  the  old  lady  surveyed  his  person, 
and  remarked — 

"  Well,  the  old  man  did  talk  of  hirin'  some  help, 
'cause  thar's  a  lot  of  brick  orders  on  hand,  and  I  sup- 
pose you  mought  do — you  look  dreadful  draggled 
though,  and  tired  as  a  prairie  team,  arter  a  hard  day's 
ploughin'." 

John  readily  assented  to  her  comment  on  his  appear- 
ance, and  asked  if  he  could'nt  have  something  to  eat 
and  a  bed,  for  he  was  both  tired  and  hungry,  after  his 
tramp  to  see  about  the  situation.  The  good  matron, 
sympathisingly,  prepared  him  a  good  supper,  and  con- 
ducted him  to  a  small,  neat  room  over  the  kitchen,  where 
a  clean  bed  and  comfortable  covering  lay  temptingly  in 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  43 

repose,  as  if  waiting  for  some  weary  body,  to  rest  it. 
This  was  no  time  to  philosophise  on  luck,  so  John 
turned  in  and  straight  addressed  himself  to  sleep — it 
came  without  coaxing,  and  as  Morpheus  wrapped  him 
in  her  poppy  robe,  it  seemed  to  him  a  covering  of  the 
softest  fur  and  brightest  hues.  His  dreams  were  peo- 
pled by  a  weary  train  of  foot  passengers,  who  toiled 
along  beneath  a  burning  sun,  with  sticks  across  their 
shoulders,  and  bundles  dangling  at  their  ends,  while 
he  seemed  drawn  on  a  chariot  of  air,  whose  delightful 
floating  motion  lulled  the  senses  into  a  soft,  dreamy 
languor — not  a  sleep  of  forgetfulness,  but  one  where 
the  brain  was  sensible  of  the  body's  enjoyment — and 
refreshing  breezes,  laden  with  the  fragrance  of  prairie 
flowers,  fanned  his  brow.  It  was  mortality  tasting  the 
repose  of  the  gods !  When  morning  broke  John  turned 
himself  on  his  couch  just  to  realise  the  truth  of  his  sit- 
uation, and  hugged  the  covering  to  his  rested  body  with 
a  lover's  fervor.  As  he  thus  lay  enjoying  the  waking 
reality,  a  conversation  in  the  kitchen  below  him  attracted 
his  attention.  The  old  lady  was  telling  her  son,  a  young 
man,  that  an  applicant  for  the  situation  of  help  in  the 
yard,  was  sleeping  above. 

"What,  have  you  engaged  him?"  inquired  the 
son. 

"No,  not  azactly  engaged  him,  but  I  gin  the  poor 
creatur'  suthin'  to  eat,  and  sent  him  to  bed,  expectin'  to 
be  engaged  in  the  mornin' — he's  not  jest  strong  enough, 
but  appears  mity  willin'." 

"  Well,  I'm  consarned  sorry  you  did  any  sich  a 
thing,"  said  he,  "'cause  we  won't  want  a  man  for  a 
month  yit." 


44  THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

"  Well,  the  creatur'  will  be  dreadfully  disappinted," 
answered  the  old  lady. 

"  Not  so  much  as  you  think,  Mrs.  Jo  Simms," 
thought  our  hero,  and  then  he  began  to  congratulate 
himself  on  his  good  fortune  : 

"I  am  a  most  lucky  disciple  of  Faust,"  said  he, 
"  I've  had  a  supper  fit  for  a  lord,  and  a  couch  where 
the  imperial  form  of  sovereignty  might  repose  unruffled 
— and  did — for  I'm  an  august  representative  of  Ame- 
rican sovereignty !  What  next?  If  the  good  angel  of  the 
lonely  widow  and  her  little  ones  don't  now  desert  me, 
I  stand  'a  right  smart  chance'  of  getting  a  breakfast 
into  the  bargain  ! — Well,"  concluded  John,  "  this  is  too 
much  luck  for  weak  human  nature  to  bear  easily,  so  it 
is  necessary  to  nerve  myself,  or  I  shall  be  overcome." 
Dressing  himself,  he  descended  to  the  kitchen,  and  made 
the  acquaintance  of  the  younger  Jo  Simms,  who  appeared 
very  backward  in  breaking  to  our  hero  the  sad  news  of 
his  rejection  as  help  in  the  yard.  At  length,  however, 
he  kindly  broke  the  intelligence,  and  before  John  could 
answer  he  offered  him  two  dollars  to  pay  his  expenses 
back,  and,  moreover,  invited  him  to  partake  of  the 
smoking  repast  just  preparing. 

"Say  no  more  about  it,  my  dear  sir,"  says  John, 
"  such  liberality  removes  the  pain  of  disappointment." 

It  was  refreshing  to  see  how  his  phiz  lighted  up  at  his 
luck,  and  all  parties  being  perfectly  satisfied,  they  enjoy- 
ed the  morning  meal  with  a  relish.  As  John  was  about 
to  depart,  the  good  old  dame  rolled  him  up  a  lunch  of 
short  cake,  and  he  bid  farewell  to  brick  making. 

In  a  short  time  he  arrived  at  Chicago,  where  he  ob- 
tained work  at  his  business,  but  the  exposure  he  had 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  45 

undergone  brought  on  the  fever  and  ague,  which  shook 
him  out  of  all  respect  for  Illinois,  and  he  therefore  de- 
termined to  leave  it,  so  embarking  one  bright  morning, 
he  shook  it  an  adieu  which  made  his  teeth  chatter, 
which  excitement  was  of  course  followed  by  a  most 
subduing  fever. 

On  the  fifth  day  after  their  departure  from  Chicago, 
while  crossing  the  head  of  Lake  Erie,  from  Detroit  river 
towards  Cleveland,  John  had  stretched  himself  after  a 
shake,  upon  a  settee  at  the  head  of  the  cabin,  and  in 
sight  of  the  gangway  leading  to  the  boiler  deck,  and 
while  thus  in  a  reposing  attitude  he  was  enjoying  quietly 
his  fever,  he  observed  one  of  the  hands  ascend  from 
below,  his  visage  all  begrimed  and  covered  w7ith  a  pro- 
fuse perspiration,  and  cautiously  approach  the  captain, 
to  whom  he  whispered  something  which  produced  much 
excitement  in  the  commander's  countenance,  but  his 
manner  exhibited  no  haste.  Coolly  walking  through 
the  cabin  and  around  the  boat,  he  approached  the 
gangway  and  looked  below,  then  carefully  surveyed  the 
passengers,  as  if  to  note  whether  he  was  observed.  John, 
who  had  been  watching  his  movements,  arose  from  his 
couch  and  advanced  towards  him,  the  captain  spread 
himself  before  the  hold  to  prevent  his  seeing  below, 
whereupon  our  hero,  who  had  shrewdly  guessed  the 
cause  of  his  agitation,  whispered  in  his  ear  to  descend, 
that  he  knew  the  steamer  was  on  fire  below,  and  while 
endeavouring  to  quench  it,  he  would  divert  the  attention 
of  any  who  might  approach  the  hold.  The  captain 
thanked  him,  and  John  took  his  post.  How  dreadful 
was  their  situation,  yet  how  unconcerned  all  on  board 
walked  about,  or  lounged  upon  seats  around  the  cabin 


46      THE  WESTERN  "WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

and  decks.  Beneath  them  struggled  one  destroying 
element,  and  around  them  on  either  side,  dancing  in 
the  sunbeams,  spread  another ;  while  like  a  thread  upon 
the  surface  of  the  far-off  waters  appeared  the  only  land 
in  view.  Oh,  how  the  flickering  flame  struggled  in  that 
dark  hold  for  mastery,  and  how  bravely  the  sinewy  arms 
of  its  late  masters  battled  to  get  it  again  in  bondage.  At 
one  moment  the  hissing  water  appeared  to  have  quenched 
it,  but  the  next  the  bright  flame  curled  up  far  in  by  the 
boiler  side,  and  a  fold  of  dark  smoke  would  roll  out 
derisively  in  the  face  of  its  foes.  It  was  a  contest  for 
life,  and  here  upon  the  broad  wave  the  fire  had  them  at 
fearful  odds.  In  a  short  time  the  commander  appeared 
on  deck,  very  much  agitated,  and  taking  our  hero  aside, 
he  declared  to  him  that  there  was  no  hope — the  fire  was 
increasing !  Calling  the  passengers  together,  he  informed 
them  of  their  situation,  and  opening  a  closet  distributed 
among  them  a  number  of  life  preservers,  then  ordering 
the  boats  cleared,  he  coolly  prepared  for  the  catastrophe. 
Some  of  the  passengers  grew  almost  frantic  ;  and  if  not 
prevented,  would  have  plunged  overboard  to  certain 
death  ;  others  calmly  prepared  for  the  worst,  and  some 
were  amusing  in  their  lamentations. 

"  Captin,  you'll  hev  tu  pay  right  smartly  for  that 
truck  of  mine,  if  you  git  it  spiled,"  said  a  down  easter, 
"  and  it's  jest  my  luck  tu  meet  with  sech  consarned 
ruin. — There  ain't  no  sea  sarpints  in  this  lake  as  you 
know  on,  is  there  ?  du  tell  us,  now,  afore  a  fellow's 
shoved  off." 

"Is  it  sarpents?"  inquired  an  Irishman,  "oh,  me 
darlint,  if  that  was  all  we  had  to  contind  with,  I'd  curl 
him  up  like  the  worm  uv  a  still,  wid  the  crass  I've  got, 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  47 

but  it's  the  thunderin'  sharks  that'll  make  short  work 
uv  a  body,  and  divil  a  crass'll  pravint  thim." 

"Now,  these  things,"  said  Jonathan,  holding  up  a 
gum  elastic,  "  they  calls  life  presarvers  ;  why,  I  swow  tu 
gracious,  if  they  aint  more  like  patent  forks,  tu  hold  a 
fellar  up,  while  the  consarned  lake  varmints  nibbles  his 
legs  off,  comfortably." 

A  large  fat  lady,  who  had  provided  herself  with  an 
enormous  sized  preserver,  was  in  a  dreadful  way  to 
know  if  her  chance  for  floating  was  at  all  probable. 

"  Why,  bless  you,  Marm,"  said  the  mate,  "  there's 
wind  enough  about  you  to  float  a  whaler." — The  fat 
lady  became  tranquil  with  this  assurance. 

It  was  now  proposed  by  the  captain,  to  cut  a  hole 
through  the  vessel's  deck,  and  pour  in  water  directly 
upon  the  fire  ;  this  being  the  only  hope  for  saving  the 
vessel,  it  was  instantly  adopted,  and  willing  hands  in 
a  few  moments  made  the  opening,  into  which  the 
boat's  hose  was  turned,  and  in  a  brief  period,  the  en- 
gineer reported  the  heat  abating.  The  spirits  of  all 
on  board  revived  on  hearing  this  intelligence,  and  a 
further  application  of  the  counter  element  removed  all 
grounds  for  fear.  As  the  horrors  of  their  late  situation 
disappeared,  the  light  house  at  the  mouth  of  Cleveland 
harbor  rose  in  view,  calming  the  fears  of  all,  and  mark- 
ing in  its  welcome  proportions  the  scene  of  rest  for  our 
wandering  hero.  What  here  chanced  to  befall  him  we 
shall  reserve  for  our  concluding  chapter. 


48  THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

CHAPTER  V. 

HIS    ENCOUNTER   WITH    OLD    FRIENDS. 

Our  hero,  on  landing  in  Cleveland,  placed  his  bun- 
dle in  one  hand,  and  stick  in  the  other,  and  thus  leisurely 
sauntered  up  the  hill  and  through  the  main  street  of  this 
young  mart  of  trade.  Although  his  body  drooped  with 
sickness,  the  air  of  life  and  thriving  industry  which  sur- 
rounded him,  aroused  his  active  mind  to  exertion.  His 
old  companion  of  travel  resided  here,  and  now  was  a 
fitting  time  to  try  his  professions  of  regard.  While 
reading  the  signs  along  the  street,  he  mentally  ventured 
the  opinion  that  "  Smith  &  Co."  were  doing  an  extensive 
business,  for  their  name  was  attached  to  commercial 
concerns  all  over  the  country  ;  and  as  thus  ruminating, 
another,  and  quite  as  familiar  a  name,  met  his  eye,  be- 
sides it  was  a  vastly  more  interesting  name — none  other 
than  his  old  adopted  Father's  cognomen.  He  could 
scarcely  bring  himself  to  believe  that  the  imposing  store 
before  him  was  really  occupied  by  those  who  were  so 
endeared  to  him  by  past  kindness — that  was  a  streak  of 
too  good  luck  to  be  possible  ;  nevertheless,  thinking  he 
might  gratify  himself  with  a  peep  at  the  possessor  of  so 
honored  a  name,  he  approached  the  window,  and  looked 
into  the  interior — can  it  be? — yes  it  is! — "plain  as  a 
pipe  stem" — sure  enough,  his  old  adopted  father  stood 
before  him  !  There,  amid  the  piles  of  soles  and  uppers, 
with  spectacles  on  nose,  and  head  a  little  bald,  stood  that 
veritable  good  old  soul,  who  had  sheltered  his  infant 
years.    Time  had  not  furrowed  his  brow  with  the  chisel, 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  49 

but  his  brush  had  traced  its  easy  progress;  nor  had 
the  storm  torn  away  his  locks — the  gentle  zephyr  had 
plucked  the  silvery  threads  away  to  sport  with  them  in 
the  sunbeam.  Contentment  lingered  in  his  quiet  smile, 
and  "  well  to  do  in  the  world,"  was  legibly  written 
upon  his  portly  person.  John  entered  the  store,  and 
putting  on  the  air  of  a  purchaser,  seated  himself  upon  a 
settee,  and  held  his  foot  up  to  be  measured — the  old 
man  adjusted  his  spectacles,  kneeled  down  upon  one 
knee,  stole  a  glance  over  his  glasses  at  his  customer, 
and  commenced  taking  the  dimensions  of  our  hero's 
foot ;  but  there  was  an  indescribable  something  about 
the  face,  which  drove  the  foot  from  his  memory,  and 
while  he  wTas  trying  to  rake  up  from  the  past  some 
known  body  on  which  to  fix  the  head  and  face,  he  for- 
got that  he  was  holding  the  foot,  until  John  asked  him, 
if  "there  was  anything  uncommon  about  its  shape?'' 
The  old  man,  stammering  an  excuse,  started  to  his  draw- 
ers to  select  a  pair  of  the  right  size,  but  the  stranger's 
face  again  so  mixed  itself  up  with  the  figures  on  his 
strap  and  rule,  that  he  was  forced  to  return  and  measure 
the  foot  over  again.  John  observed  his  quandary,  and 
smiled  at  the  old  man's  efforts  to  recollect  him.  At  this 
moment  the  old  lady  came  to  the  door  separating  the 
shop  from  the  dwelling,  and  looking  in,  spoke  to  her 
husband  ;  our  hero  recognised  her  in  a  moment,  he  could 
not  refrain  himself,  but  springing  to  his  feet  with  a  shout, 
he  laughingly  held  out  his  arms,  exclaiming  "  Mother, 
don't  you  know  me  !"  If  not  at  the  first  glance,  the 
tones  of  his  voice,  and  the  ring  of  his  merry  laughter, 
called  up  the  vivid  remembrance  of  his  boyish  days  with 
the  rapidity  of  thought,  and  throwing  herself  into  his 
arms  she  sobbed  with  joy,  as  if  he  were  in  verity  her 
7 


50  THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

own  long  lost  offspring ;  the  old  man,  too,  dropping  his 
measure,  seized  our  hero ;  and  here  tears  of  true  feeling 
mingled  in  one  current — remembrances  of  the  past 
clustered  around,  and  joy,  deep  and  holy  as  dwells 
within  the  human  breast,  held  uninterrupted  revel. 

The  store  was  closed  early  that  night,  and  as  they 
were  seated  round  the  evening  meal,  John  would,  with 
sketches  of  his  past  history  since  they  parted,  at  one  mo- 
ment draw  from  them  shouts  of  merriment,  and  then  again, 
as  he  dwelt  on  some  hard  streak  of  fortune,  "beguile  them 
of  their  tears."  Oh,  it  was  a  happy  night,  that  night 
of  meeting  on  the  shore  of  the  broad  lake.  The  gay 
revel  within  sumptuous  halls  affords  no  joy  like  this,  for 
here  the  fountains  of  the  heart  danced  to  the  music  of 
affection;  the  air  to  which  they  kept  time  was  "past 
days,"  and  their  pure  current  swelled  into  a  flood  of 
nature's  kindliest  harmony — all  was  joy,  all  happiness. 
With  a  motherly  care,  as  in  days  of  his  childhood,  the 
old  lady  stripped  his  neck,  and  washed  away  the  dust  of 
travel,  then  conducting  him  to  a  neatly  furnished  cham- 
ber, she  kissed  him  good  night,  and  retired  to  thank  Hea- 
ven that  her  aged  eyes  had  been  permitted  to  see  him 
again.  While  our  hero  slept  happily  above,  the  old  folks 
talked  long  and  earnestly  in  the  chamber  beneath  him, 
and  before  they  closed  their  eyes  in  sleep,  resolved  that  he 
should  never  again  part  from  them.  They  had  none  in 
this  world  to  care  for,  save  him,  and  Heaven,  the  old  lady 
said,  had  sent  him  back  to  their  roof  to  be  an  honor 
and  comfort  to  their  old  age.  In  the  morning  they  awoke 
to  a  renewal  of  these  happy  feelings,  and  over  the  break- 
fast table  future  plans  were  freely  discussed.  John 
mentioned  his  travelling  acquaintance,  and  taking  the 
card  from  his  vest  pocket,  showed  it  to  his  adopted 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  51 

father,  who  immediately  recognised  the  owner  as  one 
of  his  customers,  one  of  the  most  wealthy,  and  of 
course,  respected  citizens  in  Cleveland.  To  visit  him 
a  new  suit  was  necessary,  and  after  the  morning  meal 
the  old  man  piloted  him  to  a  tailoring  establishment,  and 
fitted  him  from  head  to  foot  in  a  fine  suit — in  short,  he 
disguised  our  hero,  and  it  was  pleasant  to  see  with 
what  admiration  the  aged  couple  looked  through  their 
spectacles  at  the  change. 

"  I  o?e-clare  if  you  don't  look  like  a  gentleman,  when 
you're  dressed,"  said  the  old  lady. 

"And  why  not,  mother?"  inquired  John."  It  is  the 
material  which  passes  current  for  gentility.  If  half 
mankind,  who  now  move  through  good  society  unques- 
tioned, were  placed  in  my  old  dusty  suit,  the  world  would 
never  discover  their  claims  to  the  title — no,  no  !  After 
all,  your  fine  suit  is  the  world's  standard  of  a  fine 
gentleman — it  will  gain  the  owner  consideration  among 
mixed  assemblies — credit  in  the  mart  of  trade — a  high 
place  in  the  synagogue,  and  moreover,  it  is  a  general 
ticket,  entitling  its  possessor  to  the  world's  civility!" 

"  Well,  bless  me!"  exclaimed  the  old  woman,  "if 
they  don't  make  a  change  in  your  talk — you're  gittin' 
right  toploftical." 

After  many  thanks  on  our  hero's  part,  and  much  ad- 
miration on  the  part  of  his  friends,  he  received  permis- 
sion to  wander  forth  and  see  his  old  friend  of  the  road, 
to  whose  dwelling  he  was  correctly  directed  by  the  shoe 
dealer.  A  kiss  from  his  adopted  mother,  a  five  dollar 
bill  from  the  old  man,  for  pocket  money,  and  out  sallied 
John,  Lis  person  erect,  and  step  buoyant  with  good  for- 
tune— sickness  had  almost  fled  before  his  revived  hopes. 

The  aged  pair  stood  in  the  store  door  gazing  on  his 


52  THE  WESTERN  "WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

manly  form,  as  he  receded  from  them,  and  a  feeling  of 
pride  glowed  in  their  hearts,  the  nearest  akin  to  a  pa- 
rent's, that  nature  will  permit.  They  knew  that  no  one 
could  rightfully  dispute  their  claim  to  him,  and  proud  in 
their  pre-emption  right,  they  retired  into  their  dwelling 
with  newly  awakened  pleasure.  Arrived  at  his  travelling 
acquaintance's  mansion,  he  looked  at  the  name  of 
"  Charles  C.  Briggs,  Attorney  at  Law,"  upon  the  door 
plate,  and  a  glance  at  the  exterior  of  the  building,  as- 
sured him  that  the  dweller  therein  was  one  of  the  pros- 
perous class  of  his  profession.  Knocking  at  the  office 
door  in  the  basement,  he  was  bid  enter,  and  on  doing  so 
found  seated  at  a  desk,  surrounded  with  piles  of  legal 
lore,  the  same  old  gentleman  who  had  so  kindly  bid 
him  farewell  at  Wheeling.  The  recognition  was  mutual, 
and  the  old  man's  manner  truly  cordial. 

"  So,  you  found  me  out,"  said  the  attorney. 

"Yes,"  replied  John,  "but  a  precious  long  tramp 
I've  had  to  reach  you." 

His  friend  insisted  upon  his  seating  himself,  and  re- 
lating an  outline  of  his  adventures,  at  which  he  laughed 
most  heartily,  and  when  John  had  finished,  he  clapped 
him  on  the  back,  saying — 

"  You  are  a  lucky  dog — in  your  first  journey  you 
have  gathered  more  lessons  of  wisdom,  than  many 
meet  with  in  a  life  time,  and  your  mind  may  turn  them 
into  vast  profit." 

"Well,  I'd  like  to  realise  something  out  of  them," 
quietly  remarked  our  hero,  "  for  I  have  expended  all 
my  capital  in  learning  them." 

"  And  so,  you  have  found  other  friends  besides  my- 
self in  Cleveland,"  remarked  the  lawyer,  "  a  worthy 
couple  whom  I  happen  to  be  acquainted  with,  also ; 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  53 

between  us,  I  think  we  will  persuade  you  to  become  a 
fixture  of  society.  I  know  not  why,  but  I  like  you,  and 
have  often  wished  for  the  present  meeting.  Having  no 
son  of  my  own  to  assist  me  in  my  old  days,  and  con- 
tinue my  business  after  me,  I  have  felt  a  desire  to  find 
one  who  would  fill  the  vacancy  ;  your  intelligence  and 
happy  disposition,  on  our  trip,  made  me  like  you,  and 
now  I  would  fain  ripen  those  feelings  into  a  strong  bond 
of  friendship.  Come,  you  must  dine  with  me,  and  then 
we  will  talk  of  the  future." 

John's  heart  was  swelling  with  friendship  already, 
and  he  could  almost  have  hugged  the  kind  old  lawyer, 
but  as  this  was  his  first  day  at  his  adopted  parents,  he 
was  forced  to  excuse  himself  for  the  present,  on  promise 
of  returning  on  the  morrow,  and  with  kindling  aspira- 
tions and  noble  resolves,  he  returned  to  his  parents. 
There  he  recounted  the  lawyer's  words,  and  made 
known  his  intention  of  studying  law  with  him,  which 
met  with  general  approval,  and  the  little  household  put 
on  quite  an  air  of  importance  about  its  acquisition,  while 
its  mistress  hurried  about,  chatting  with  her  new  found 
child  with  all  the  garrulousness  of  kindly  old  age. 

On  the  next  day,  John,  according  to  appointment, 
placed  his  legs  under  the  mahogany  of  his  friend,  the 
lawyer,  and  while  the  meal  progressed  he  amused  the 
company  by  relating  some  episodes  of  his  travel  and 
observation,  but  every  now  and  then,  a  strange  quietness 
might  be  observed  to  pass  over  his  demeanor,  and  his 
eyes  would  wander  furtively  to  the  other  f»r:d  of  the 
table,  where  was  seated  the  fair  daughter  of  his  host, 
whose  dark  eyes  met  his  stolen  glances,  and  sent  the 
blood  tingling  to  his  brows.  Look  another  way,  John, 
— there's  danger  in  those  dark  eyes !  What,  you,  who 


54  THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

have  looked  unmoved  at  scores  of  bright  eyes,  to  trem- 
ble now  at  a  single  pair — out  upon  you — look  straight 
into  those  dark  orbs,  and  dare  their  power — now ! — 
pshaw,  man,  you  shake  and  stammer  as  if  a  battery  of 
loaded  cannon,  with  the  lighted  fusees  behind  them, 
were  pointed  at  you.  Ah,  I  see,  your  merriment  is  at 
an  end  now — busy  thoughts,  strange  dreams,  and  bright 
hopes  are  coursing  through  your  bewildered  brain.  And 
so  they  were — that  visit  had  planted  new  feelings  in  his 
breast.  He  entered  the  old  lawyer's  mansion,  as  he 
thought,  the  possessor  of  all  he  wished  on  earth — a  home, 
and  an  opportunity  to  rise — yet  here  was  aroused  a  feel- 
ing which  absorbed  all  the  rest — he  never  felt  himself 
poor  before.  Before,  he  was  the  possessor  of  a  light  heart, 
but  now  that  heart  had  been  spirited  away  by  a  felonious 
pair  of  eyes,  and  his  mind  was  racked  with  dread,  for  fear 
he  might  not  be  able  to  compromise  with  the  possessor, 
and  be  permitted  to  keep  it  company — here  was  a 
"take"  in  the  book  of  human  nature,  which  was  most 
»  fair  copy,"  and  fain  would  our  hero  take  unto  himself 
the  page.  Fear  not,  John,  all  in  good  time — the  fair 
daughter  of  your  old  friend  is  troubled,  too — a  merry 
printer  has,  by  his  gentle  manners,  and  most  winning 
address,  made  a  deep  impression  there,  and  is  sadly 
troubling  the  little  heart  of  its  fair  possessor.  She  thinks, 
she  would  like  to  forget  him,  but  in  trying  to  do  so  she 
must  think  of  what  she  would  forget,  and  thus  he  ever 
comes  uppermost  in  her  mind,  and  his  pleasing  coun- 
tenance and  coaxing  eye  gains  a  firmer  footing  in  her 
affections. 

Arrangements  were  made  before  the  lawyer  and  our 
hero  parted,  that  he  should  forthwith  commence  the 
study  of  law,  and  accordingly  he  set  himself  down  upon 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  55 

uu...  Coke  and  Littleton,  with  the  determination  of  be- 
coming a  pillar  of  the  state.  A  most  dangerous  neigh- 
borhood he  chose  to  study  in — dangerous  for  the  hasty 
progress  of  his  studies  in  legal  lore,  for  long  before  he 
was  fitted  for  a  single  degree,  as  a  student  at  the  bar, 
he  had  become  a  professor  of  love;  and  how  soon  he 
learned  to  look  deep  into  those  eyes,  and  read  the  mind 
within,  twine  himself  around  the  tendrils  of  the  fair  girl's 
heart,  and  plead  in  choicest  language  for  permission  to 
nestle  there  ;  and  how  the  eyes  softly  permitted  the  bold 
student  to  look,  and  then  loved  to  have  him  look,  and, 
then  consented  that  he  might  gaze  at  will — aye,  for  life! 
On  a  clear  wintry  night,  while  the  wind  of  the  lake 
whistled  merrily  across  its  congealed  bosom,  and  the 
stars  were  looking  down  with  clear  faces  into  the  bright 
icy  mirror  beneath — the  sound  of  sweet  music,  and  the 
tread  of  light  feet  resounded  in  the  mansion  of  the  old 
lawyer,  by  the  broad  lake  side, — a  "  merrie  companie" 
filled  its  halls,  for  John  Earl,  the  no  longer  "  wandering 
typo,"  was  about  to  become  his  son-in-law — or,  son-in- 
love,  as  well  as  law — or  both — and  the  bright  eyes  of 
one  of  Ohio's  fairest  daughters  looked  all  confldingness 
and  love,  as  she  stood  up  before  the  assembled  throng, 
and  whispered  herself  into  his  possession.  There  was 
gay  doings  that  night  in  this  western  mansion,  and  joy 
that  age  was  a  large  partaker  of;  for  the  old  pair,  who 
sheltered  the  printer's  orphan,  years  agone,  and  miles 
away,  were  guests  within  it,  and  their  hearts  swelled 
with  pride,  as  they  looked  upon  their  adopted  child, 
and  his  fair  bride.  The  old  shoemaker  quietly  remarked 
to  his  happy  son,  that  no  maid  in  the  city  stepped  upon 
a  more  fairy  foot,  or  wore  so  small  a  shoe  ;  but  he  hoped 
to  live  long  enough,  to  make  a  smaller  size  for  the  Earl 


56  "  NOT  A  DROP  MORE,  MAJOR, 

family,  and  then  he  laughed  as  if  the  job  would  be  a  right 
merry  one,  and  the  purchaser  of  such  a  shoe,  a  favored 
customer. 

Time  has  progressed  since  then,  and  we  have  listened 
to  John  Earl,  Esq.,  in  the  capita]  of  his  adopted  state, 
as  in  clear  tones,  and  patriotic  fervor,  he  stood  advosat- 
ing  the  great  truths  of  republican  principles,  and  we  have 
listened  with  pride  and  admiration,  when  those  words 
proved  that  the  child  of  the  people,  was  the  people's 
advocate.  He  did  not,  in  his  hour  of  prosperity,  forget 
the  lonely  widow  of  the  prairie,  but  had  her  and  her 
little  ones  brought  to  Cleveland,  and  having  by  letters 
found  her  friends,  he  sent  her  home  rejoicing — the  little 
one  to  whom  he  last  bid  adieu  in  the  wilderness  still 
remembered  him,  and  with  her  little  lips  pouting  for  a 
kiss,  was  the  last  again  to  bid  him  farewell. 

We  have  traced  our  hero  to  the  end  of  his  wander- 
ings, and  leave  him  upon  the  stage  of  public  action — on 
the  road  to  eminence ;  and  though  many  may  read  as 
though  these  words  and  scenes  were  the  coinage  of  the 
writer's  brain,  yet  let  him  assure  those  who  so  judge, 
that  there  be  such  "  streaks  of  life,"  in  the  book  of  a 
Typo's  biography. 


"NOT  A  DROP  MORE,  MAJOR,  UNLESS  IT'S 
SWEETEN'D." 

In  a  small  village,  in  the  southern  section  of  Missouri, 
resides  a  certain  Major,  who  keeps  a  small,  cosey,  com- 
fortable little  inn,  famous  for  its  sweetened  drinks,  as 
well  as  jovial  landlord ;  and  few  of  the   surrounding 


t*r 


!lf-Dr:J 


■  Sich  another  man  as  that  major,"  says  she,  "  ain't  nowhere !  and  sich  a  mixtur' 
as  he  does  mnke  is  temptin'  to  temp'rance  leot'rers  '."—Page  57. 


» 


unless  it's  sweeten'd.  57 

farmers  visit  the  neighborhood,  without  giving  the 
Major  a  friendly  call,  to  taste  his  mixtur\  The  gay 
host,  with  jolly  phiz,  round  person,  bright  eye,  and 
military  air,  deals  out  the  rations,  spiced  with  jokes, 
which,  if  they  are  not  funny,  are  at  least  laughed  at, 
for  the  Major  enjoys  them  so  vastly  himself,  that  his 
auditors  are  forced  to  laugh,  out  of  pure  sympathy. 

A  good  old  couple,  who  resided  about  six  miles  from 
the  Major's,  for  a  long  period  had  been  in  the  habit  of 
visiting  him  once  a  month,  and  as  regularly  went  home 
dreadfully  sweeten'd  with  the  favorite  mixturK,  but  of 
late,  we  learn,  the  amicable  relations  existing  between 
the  Major  and  his  old  visitors  have  been  broken  off  by 
green-eyed  jealousy.  On  the  last  visit,  good  cause  was 
given  for  an  end  being  put  to  any  more  "sweet  drinking." 

"  Uncle  Merril,  how  are  you,  any  how,"  was  the 
Major's  greeting,  «  and  I  declare  if  the  Missus  aint  with 
you,  too" — just  as  if  he  expected  she  wouldn't  come. 
"  What'll  you  take  Missus  ?  shall  I  sweeten  you  a  little 
of  about  the  best  Cincinnati  rectified  that  ever  was  toted 
into  these  'ere  parts? — it  jest  looks  as  bright  as  your 
eyes!"  and  here  the  Major  winked  and  looked  so  sweet 
there  was  no  resisting,  and  she  did  take  a  little  sweeten'd. 

The  hours  flew  merril-\y  by,  and  evening  found  the 
old  couple  so  overloaded  with  sweets,  that  it  was  with 
great  difficulty  they  could  be  seated  on  the  old  grey 
mare,  to  return  home  ;  but,  after  many  a  kind  shake 
from  the  host,  and  just  another  drop  of  his  sweeten'd, 
off  they  jogged,  see-sawing  from  side  to  side  on  the 
critter,  the  old  lady  muttering  her  happiness,  and  the 
old  man  too  full  to  find  words  to  express  himself. 

"  Sich  another  man  as  that  Major,"  says  she,  "  ain't 
nowhere — and   sich   a   mixtur'    as  he   does   make,   is 


58  "  NOT  A  DROP  MORE,  MAJOR,"  ETC. 

temptin'  to  temperance  lecturers.  He  is  an  amazin' 
nice  man,  and,  if  any  thing,  he  sweetens  the  last  drop 
better  than  the  first.  Good  gracious  !  what  a  pleasin' 
creatur'  he  is !" 

Ever  and  anon  these  enconiums  on  the  Major  and 
his  mixture  broke  from  the  old  lady,  until  of  a  sud- 
den, on  passing  a  small  rivulet,  a  jolt  of  the  mare's 
silenced  them,  and  the  old  man  rode  on  a  short  distance 
in  perfect  quietness.     At  length  he  broke  out  with — 

"Old  woman,  you  and  that  'ere  Major's  conduct, 
to-day,  war  rayther  unbecomin' — his  formalities  war 
too  sweet  to  be  mistook,  and  you  ain't  goin'  thar  agin 
in  a  hurry." 

Silence,  was  the  only  answer. 

"  Oh,  you're  huffy,  are  you  ?"  continued  the  old  man. 
"Well,  I  guess  you  can  stay  so,  till  you  give  in," 
and  on  he  jogged,  in  a  silently  jealous  mood.  On  ar- 
riving at  the  farm,  he  called  to  a  negro  to  lift  the  old 
woman  off,  but  Sam,  the  nigger,  stood  gazing  at  him 
in  silent  astonishment. 

"Lift  her  off,  you  Sam,  do  you  hear? — and  do  it 
carefully.,  or  some  of  her  wrath'll  bile  out.  In  spite  of 
the  Major's  sweetenin'  she's  mad  as  thunder." 

"  Why,  de  lor',  massa,  de  ole  'oman  aint  dar,"  re- 
plied Sam,  his  eyes  standing  out  of  his  countenance. 
"Jest  turn  round,  massa,  and  satisfy  you'self  dat  de 
ole  'oman  clar  gone  an  missin — de  lor'  /" 

And  sure  enough,  on  a  minute  examination  by  the 
old  man,  she  was  "  found  missing."  The  Major  was 
charged  at  once  with  abduction,  instant  measures  were 
taken  for  pursuit,  and  a  party  despatched  to  scour  the 
roads.  On  proceeding  about  two  miles  on  the  road  to 
the  Major's,  the  party  were  suddenly  halted  at  the  small 


NETTLE  BOTTOM  BALL.  59 

rivulet,  by  finding  the  Missus  with  her  head  lying  partly 
in  the  little  stream,  its  waters  laving  her  lips,  and  softly 
murmuring — "Not  a  drop  more,  Major,  unless  it's 
sweetened  /" 


NETTLE  BOTTOM  BALL; 

OR,   BETSY    JONES'    TUMBLE    IN    THE    MUSH    PAN. 

"  Well,  it  are  a  fact,  boys,"  said  Jim  Sikes,  » that  I 
promised  to  tell  you  how  I  cum  to  git  out  in  these 
Platte  diggins,  and  I  speculate  you  mout  as  well  have  it 
at  onst,  kase  its  bin  troublin'  my  conscience  amazin'  to 
keep  it  kiver'd  up.  The  afarr  raised  jessy  in  Nettle 
Bottom,  and  old  Tom  Jones'  yell,  when  he  swar  he'd 
1  chaw  me  up,'  gives  my  meat  a  slight  sprinklin'  of  ager 
whenever  I  think  on  it. 

"You  see,  thar  wur  a  small  town  called  Equality,  in 
Illim'se,  that  some  speckelators  started  near  Nettle  Bot- 
tom, cos  thar  wur  a  spontaneos  salt  lick  in  the  diggins, 
and  no  sooner  did  they  git  it  agoin'  and  build  some  stores 
and  groceries  thar,  than  they  wagon'd  from  Cincinnate 
and  other  up-stream  villages,  a  pacel  of  fellers  to  attend 
the  shops,  that  looked  as  nice,  all'ays,  as  if  they  wur 
goin'  to  meetin'  or  on  a  courtin'  frolic ;  and  «  salt  their 
picters,'  they  wur  etarnally  pokin'  up  their  noses  at  us 
boys  of  the  Bottom.  Well,  they  got  up  a  ball  in  the 
village,  jest  to  interduce  themselves  to  the  gals  round 
the  neighborhood,  and  invited  a  few  on  us  to  make  a 
contrary  picter  to  themselves,  and  so  shine  us  out  of 
site  by  comparison.  Arter  that  ball  thur  wan't  any 
thin'  talked  on  among  the  gals  but  what  nice  fellers  the 


60  NETTLE  BOrTOM  BAU- 

clerks  in  Equality  wur,  and  how  nice  and  slick  they 
wore  their  har,  and  their  shiny  boots,  and  the  way  they 
stirrupp'd  down  their  trowsers.  You  couldn't  go  to 
see  one  on  'em,  that  she  wouldn't  stick  one  of  these 
fellers  at  you,  and  keep  a  talkin'  how  slick  they  looked. 
It  got  to  be  parfect  pizen  to  hear  of,  or  see  the  critters, 
and  the  boys  got  together  at  last  to  see  what  was  to  be 
done — the  thing  had  grown  parfectly  alarmin'.  At  last 
a  meetin'  was  agreed  on,  down  to  old  Jake  Bents'. 

"  On  next  Sunday  night,  instead  of  takin'  the  gals  to 
meetin',  whar  they  could  see  these  fellers,  we  left  'em 
at  home,  and  met  at  Jake?s,  and  I  am  of  the  opinion 
thur  was  some  congregated  wrath  thar — whew  wan't 
they  ? 

"  '  Oil  and  scissors!'  says  Mike  Jelt,  <  let's  go  down 
and  lick  the  town,  rite  strait  /' 

"  <  No!'  hollered  Dick  Butts,  '  let's  kitch  these  slick 
badgers  comin'  out  of  meetin',  and  tare  the  hide  and 
feathers  off  on  'em!' 

"  c  Why,  darn  'em,  what  d'ye  think,  boys,'  busted 
in  old  Jake,  <•  I  swar  if  they  ain't  larnt  our  gals  to  wear 
slam  cushins ;  only  this  mornin'  I  caught  my  darter 
Sally  puttin'  one  on  and  tyin'  it  round  her.  She  tho't 
I  was  asleep,  but  I  seed  her,  and  I  made  the  jade  re- 
pudiate it,  and  no  mistake — quicker  /' 

tC  The  boys  took  a  drink  on  the  occasion,  and 
Equality  town  was  slumberin',  for  a  short  spell,  over  a 
con-tiguous  yearthquake.  At  last  one  of  the  boys  pro- 
posed, before  we  attacked  the  town,  that  we  should  git 
up  a  ball  in  the  Bottom,  and  jest  out-shine  the  town 
chaps,  all  to  death,  afore  we  swallowed  'em.  It  was 
hard  to  gin  in  to  this  proposition,  but  the  boys  cum  to 
it  at  last,  and  every  feller  started  to  put  the  afarr  agoin'. 


NETTLE  BOTTOM  BALL.  61 

"I  had  been  a  long  spell  hankerin'  arter  old  Tom 
Jones'  darter,  on  the  branch  below  the  Bottom,  and  she 
was  a  critter  good  for  weak  eyes — maybe  she  hadn't  a 
pair  of  her  own — well,  if  they  warn't  a  brace  of  movin' 
light-houses,  I  wouldn't  say  it — there  was  no  calculatin' 
the  extent  or  handsomeness  of  the  family  that  gal  could 
bring  up  around  her,  with  a  feller  like  me  to  look  arter 
'em.  Talk  about  gracefulness,  did  you  ever  see  a 
maple  saplin'  movin'  with  a  south  wind  ? — It  warn't  a 
crooked  stick  to  compar'  to  her,  but  her  old  dad  was 
awful.  He  could  jest  lick  anythin'  that  said  boo,  in 
them  diggins,  out  swar  Satan,  and  was  cross  as  a  she 
bar,  with  cubs.  He  had  a  little  hankerin'  in  favor  of 
the  fellers  in  town,  too,  fur  they  gin  him  presents  of 
powder  to  hunt  with,  and  he  was  precious  fond  of  usin' 
his  shootin'  iron.  I  detarmin'd,  anyhow,  to  ask  his  dar- 
ter Betsy  to  be  my  partner  at  the  Nettle  Bottom  Ball. 

"Well,  my  sister  Marth  made  me  a  bran  new  pair 
of  buckskin  trowsers  to  go  in,  and  rile  my  pictur,  ef  she 
didn't  put  stirrups  to  'em  to  keep  'em  down.  She  said 
straps  wur  the  fashion,  and  I  should  ware  'em.  I  jest 
felt  with  'em  on,  as  ef  I  had  somethin'  pressin'  on  me 
down — all  my  joints  wur  sot  tight  together,  but  Marth 
insisted,  and  I  knew  I  could  soon  dance  'em  off,  so  I 
gin  in,  and  started  off  to  the  branch  for  Betsy  Jones. 

"  When  I  arriv,  the  old  fellar  wur  sittin'  smokin'  arter 
his  supper,  and  the  younger  Jones'  wur  sittin'  round 
the  table,  takin'  theirs.  A  whappin'  big  pan  of  mush 
stood  rite  in  the  centre,  and  a  large  pan  of  milk  beside 
it,  with  lots  of  corn  bread  and  butter,  and  Betsy  was 
helpin'  the  youngsters,  while  old  Mrs.  Jones  sot  by. 
admirin'  the  family  collection.  Old  Tom  took  a  hard 
star'  at  me,  and  I  kind  a  shook,  but  the  straps  stood  it. 


62  NETTLE  BOTTOM  BALL. 

and  I  recovered  myself,  and  gin  him  as  good  as  he  sent, 
but  I  wur  near  the  door,  and  ready  to  break  if  he  show'd 
fight. 

"  '  What  the  h — 11  are  you  doin'  in  disgise,7  says  the 
old  man — he  swore  dreadfully — '  are  you  comin'  down 
here  to  steal?' 

"  I  riled  up  at  that.  Says  I,  '  ef  I  wur  comin'  fur  sich 
purpose,  you'd  be  the  last  I'd  hunt  up  to  steal  off  on.' 

"  '  You're  right,'  says  he,  « I'd  make  a  hole  to  light 
your  innards,  ef  you  did.'  And  the  old  savage  chuckled. 
/  meant  because  he  had  nothin'  worth  stealin',  but  his 
darter,  but  he  tho't  'twas  cos  I  was  afear'd  on  him. 

"  Well,  purty  soon  I  gether'd  up  and  told  him  what 
I  cum  down  fur,  and  invited  him  to  come  up  and  take 
a  drink,  and  see  that  all  went  on  rite.  Betsy  was  in  an 
awful  way  fur  fear  he  wouldn't  consent.  The  old 
'oman  here  spoke  in  favour  of  the  move,  and  old  Tom 
thought  of  the  licker,  and  gin  in  to  the  measure.  Off 
bounced  Betsy  up  a  ladder  into  the  second  story,  and 
one  of  the  small  gals  with  her,  to  help  put  on  the  fix- 
ups.  I  sot  down  in  a  cheer,  and  fell  a  talkin'  at  the  old 
'oman.  While  we  wur  chattin'  away  as  nice  as  rela- 
tions, I  could  hear  Betsy  makin'  things  stand  round 
above.  The  floor  was  only  loose  boards  kivered  over 
wide  joice,  and  every  step  made  'em  shake  and  rattle 
like  a  small  hurricane.  Old  Tom  smoked  away  and 
the  young  ones  at  the  table  would  hold  a  spoonful  of 
mush  to  thur  mouths  and  look  at  my  straps,  and  then 
look  at  each  other  and  snigger,  till  at  last  the  old  man 
seed  'em. 

"  <  Well,  by  gun  flints,'  says  he,  «  ef  you  ain't  makin' 
a  josey ' 

"  Jest  dt  that  moment,  somethin'  gin  way  above,  and 


NETTLE  BOTTOM  BALL.  63 

may  I  die,  ef  Betsy,  without  any  thin'  on  yearth  on  her 
but  one  of  these  starn  cushins,  didn't  drop  rite  through 
the  floor,  and  sot  herself,  fiat  into  the  pan  of  mush  ! 
I  jest  tho't  fur  a  second,  that  heaven  and  yearth  had 
kissed  each  other,  and  squeezed  me  between  'em. 
Betsy  squealed  like  a  'scape  pipe, — a  spot  of  the  mush 
had  spattered  on  the  old  man's  face,  and  burnt  him, 
and  he  swore  dreadful.  I  snatched  up  the  pan  of  milk, 
and  dashed  it  over  Betsy  to  cool  her  off, — the  old  'oman 
knocked  me  sprawlin'  fur  doing  it,  and  away  went  my 
straps.  The  young  ones  let  out  a  scream,  as  if  the 
infarnal  pit  had  broke  loose,  and  I'd  jest  gin  half  of  my 
hide  to  have  bin  out  of  the  old  man's  reach.  He  did 
reach  fur  me,  but  I  lent  him  one  with  my  half-lows,  on 
the  smeller,  that  spread  him,  and  maybe  I  didn't  leave 
sudden!  I  didn't  see  the  branch,  but  as  I  soused 
through  it,  I  heerd  Tom  Jones  swar  he'd  <■  chaw  me  up, 
ef  an  inch  big  of  me  was  found  in  them  diggins  in  the 

D  CO 

mornin'. 

"  I  did'nt  know  fur  a  spell  whar  I  was  runnin',  but 
hearing  nuthin'  behind  me,  I  slacked  up,  and  jest  con- 
sidered whether  it  was  best  to  go  home  and  git  my 
traps  strait,  and  leave,  or  go  see  the  ball.  Bein'  as  I 
was  a  manager,  I  tho't  I'd  go  have  a  peep  through  the 
winder,  to  see  ef  it  cum  up  to  my  expectations.  While 
I  was  lookin'  at  the  boys  goin'  it,  one  on  'em  spied  me, 
and  they  hauled  me  in,  stood  me  afore  the  fire,  to  dry, 
and  all  hands  got  round,  insistin'  on  knowin'  what  was 
the  matter.  I  ups  and  tells  all  about  it.  I  never  heerd 
such  laffin',  hollerin',  and  screamin',  in  all  my  days. 

"  Jest  then,  my  trowsers  gin  to  feel  the  fire,  and 
shrink  up  about  an  inch  a  minit,  and  the  boys  and  gals 
kept  it  up  so  strong,  laffin  at  my  scrape,  and  the  pickle 


64  A  "  cat"  story. 

I  wur  in,  that  I  gin  to  git  riley,  when  all  at  onst  I  seed 
one  of  these  slick  critters,  from  town,  rite  in  among'  em, 
hollerin'  wuss  than  the  loudest. 

"  'Old  Jones  said  he'd  chaw  you  up,  did  he?'  says 
the  town  feller,  <■  well,  he  alPays  keeps  his  word? 

"  That  minit  I  biled  over.  I  grabbed  his  slick  har, 
and  may  be  I  didn't  gin  him  scissors  !  Jest  as  I  was 
makin'  him  a  chawed  specimen,  some  feller  holler'd  out, 
— '  don't  let  old  Jones  in  with  that  ar  rifle!'  I  didn't 
hear  any  more  in  that  Bottom, — lightnin'  could'nt  a. got 
near  enough  to  singe  my  coat  tail.  I  jumped  through 
that  winder  as  easy  as  a  bar  'ud  go  through  a  cane 
brake  ;  and  cuss  me  if  I  could'nt  hear  the  grit  of  old 
Jones'  teeth,  and  smell  his  glazed  powder,  until  I  crossed 
old  Massissippi." 


A  "CAT"  STORY, 

WHICH    MUST    NOT    BE    C  UR-T  AI LE  D. 

Ben  Snaggletree  seated  himself  in  our  society  the 
other  day,  overburdened  wdth  a  Mississippi  yarn,  which 
embraced  one  of  his  hair  breadth  'scapes,  and  which  he 
had  resolved  on  relieving  his  memory  of,  by  having  it 
chronicled. 

Ben  was  an  old  Mississip'  roarer — none  of  your  half 
and  half,  but  just  as  native  to  the  element,  as  if  he  had 
been  born  in  a  broad  horn.  He  said  he  had  been 
fotched  up  on  the  river's  brink,  and  "  knew  a  snappin' 
turtle  from  a  snag,  without  larnin'." 

"One  night,"  says  Ben,  "about  as  dark  as  the  face 
of  Cain,  and  as  unruly  as  if  the  elements  had  been  untied, 
and  let  loose  from  their  great  Captain's  command,  I 


A  "CAT  "  STORY.  65 

was  on  the  old  Mississippi ;  it  was,  in  short,  a  night  ugly 
enough  to  make  any  natural  born  Christian  think  of  his 
prayers,  and  a  few  converted  saints  tremble — I  walked 
out  upon  the  steam  boat  '  guard'  to  cool  off  from  the 
effects  of  considerable  liquor  doin's,  participated  in 
during  the  day,  but  had  scacely  reached  the  side  of  the 
boat,  when  she  struck  a  snag,  and  made  a  lurch,  throw- 
ing me  about  six  feet  into  the  drink.  I  was  sufficiently 
cool,  stranger,  when  I  came  to  the  surface,  but  I  had 
nigh,  in  a  short  time,  set  the  Mississippi  a  bilin\  my 
carcase  grew  so  hot  with  wrath  at  observing  the  old  boat 
wending  her  way  up  stream,  unhurt,  while  I,  solitary, 
unobserved,  and  alone,  was  floating  on  the  old  father  of 
waters.  I  swam  to  the  head  of  a  small  island,  some 
distance  below  where  we  struck,  and  no  sooner  touched 
ground  than  I  made  an  effort  to  stand  erect.  You  may 
judge  of  my  horror  on  discovering  my  landing  place 
to  be  a  Mississippi  mud-bar,  and  about  as  firm  as  quick- 
sand, into  which  I  sunk  about  three  feet  in  a  moment. 

"All  was  dark  as  a  stack  of  black  cats — no  object 
visible  save  the  lights  of  the  receding  boat — no  sound 
smote  upon  the  ear  but  the  lessening  blow  of  the  'scape 
pipe,  and  the  plashing  of  the  surrounding  waters  ; — the 
first  sounded  like  the  farewell  voice  of  hope,  while  the 
latter,  in  its  plashing  and  purling,  was  like  to  the  jab- 
bering of  evil  spirits,  exulting  over  an  entrapped  victim. 

"  I  attempted  to  struggle,  but  that  sunk  me  faster. 
I  cried  out,  but  fancied  that,  too,  forced  me  deeper  into 
my  yielding  grave  ;  ere  daylight  dawned  I  felt  sure  of 
being  out  of  sight,  and  the  horrid  thought  of  thus  sink- 
ing into  eternity  through  a  mud-gate,  made  every  hair 
stand  '  on  its  own  hook,'  and  forced  my  heart  to  patter 
against  my  ribs  like  a  trio-hammer.  I  had  been  in  many 
9 


66  a  "cat"  story. 

a  scrape,  but  I  considered  this  the  nastiest,  and  made 
up  my  mind  that  the  ball  of  yarn  allotted  to  me  was 
about  being  spun  out — my  cake  was  all  mud  !  I  pro- 
mised old  Mississippi,  if  permitted  to  escape  this  time, 
I  would  lick  anythin'  human  that  said  a  word  agin  her ; 
but  it  was  no  use — she  was  sure  of  me  now,  and,  like 
old  <  bare  bones'  to  an  expiring  African,  she  held  on, 
and  deeper,  and  deeper  I  sunk.  In  a  short  time  I  was 
forced  to  elevate  my  chin  to  keep  out  of  my  mouth  an 
over-supply  of  the  temperance  liquid,  which  was  flowing 
so  coaxingly  about  my  lips.  My  eyebrows  were  starting, 
my  teeth  set,  and  hope  had  wasted  to  a  misty  shadow, 
when  something  touched  me  like  a  floating  solid ;  I  in- 
stantly grasped  it — it  slid  through  my  hands — all  but 
the  tail — which  I  clung  to  with  a  grip  of  iron. 

"I  soon  discovered  I  had  made  captive  a  mammoth 
catty,  huge  enough  to  be  the  patriarch  of  his  tribe,  and 
a  set  of  resolutions  were  quickly  adopted  in  my  mind, 
that  he  couldn't  travel  further  without  company.  A 
desperate  start  and  vigorous  wiggle  to  escape  was  made 
by  my  friend,  the  catty,  but  there  was  six  feet  in  length 
of  desperation  attached  to  his  extremity,  that  could 
neither  be  coaxed  or  shook  off.  Soon  succeeded  an- 
other start,  and  out  I  came  like  a  cork  from  a  bottle. 
Off  started  the  fish,  like  a  comet,  and  after  him  I  went, 
a  muddy  spark  at  the  end  of  his  tail.  By  a  dexterous 
twist  of  his  rudder,  I  succeeded  in  keeping  him  on  the 
surface,  and  steered  him  to  a  solid  landing,  where  I  let 
him  loose,  and  we  shook  ourselves,  mutually  pleased  at 
parting  company." 

"  That  will  do,  Ben,"  said  we,  "all  but  the  tail?'' 
"  Tail  and  all,  or  none !"  said  Ben,  so    here  you 
have  it.     Ben  swears  he'll  father  it  himself." 


A  SPIRITUAL  SISTHB. 

HER  ENCOUNTER  WITH  A  DOUBTFUL  SMITH. 

"  There  goes  Smith,  the  Attorney"  said  a  man  to 
his  friend;  as  a  tall  figure,  slightly  stooped,  hurried  by 
them. 

"  I  beg  your  pardon,"  answered  the  friend,  "  that  is 
the  Rev.  Mr.  Smith,  a  preacher,  I  have  heard  him  in 
Tennessee." 

"Well  that's  curious,"  replied  the  first,  "for  I'd 
swear  /have  heard  him  plead  at  the  bar." 

"  Good  morning  Sol.,  howT  are  you?"  salutes  another, 
as  he  hurries  by  a  group  of  citizens. 

"  What  did  you  call  him  ?"  inquired  one  of  the  party. 

"Why,  Sol.  Smith,  was  the  answer — old  Sol.,  the 
manager  of  the  theatre,  to-be-sure ;  who  did  you  sup- 
pose it  wras  ? — I  thought  you  knew  him — every  body 
knows  old  Sol!" 

"  Well  that  is  funny,"  answered  the  second,  "for  Til 
swear  he  officiated  as  a  physician  on  board  our  boat." 

"Well  who  the  d — 1  is  he?" 

This  question  was  asked  so  frequently  on  board  of  a 
boat,  recently,  that  those  who  didn't  know  became 
quite  feverish,  and  those  who  did,  kept  dark  to  watch 
for  a  joke.  Sol.  had  purchased  a  new  hat — venerably 
broad  in  brim,  of  saintly  and  unostentatious  height  in 
crown,  and  it  was  easy  to  see  that  this  new  beaver  was 
brewing  him  trouble.  We  feel  almost  inclined  here  to 
go  into  a  disquisition  upon  hats,  and  the  evils  they 
have    entailed,  for  who   has   not   suffered,   and   been 

67 


68  A  SPIRITUAL  SISTER. 

thrust  out  of  the  pale  of  good  living,  or  cut  in  the 
street — or  taken  for  a  loafer,  and  asked  by  some  dandy 
to  hold  his  horse,  or  by  some  matron  to  carry  home 
her  market  basket,  and  all  because  of  a  "  shocking  bad 
hat."  An  "  old  hat"  is,  in  fact,  dangerous — so  is  a  new 
one  of  a  peculiar  shape — so  was  Sol.'s  broad  brimmer. 

On  board  the  steamer  was  a  Mormon  sister,  on  her 
way  from  down  east  to  the  holy  city  of  Nauvoo,  and 
many  and  anxious  were  her  inquiries  if  any  brother  of 
the  church  was  on  board  ?  None  were  able  to  inform 
her.     At  length  the  captain,  at  table,  inquired  : 

"  Shall  I  help  you  to  a  little  of  this  roast  beef,  Mr. 
Smith?" 

"  Thank  you,  a  small  piece,"  was  the  reply. 

"  Smith,"  said  the  sister,  »  Smith,  that's  a  member, 
jest  as  shure  as  shutin' ;  I'll  get  interduced  tu  him  arter 
a  spell,  and  I  reckon  he'll  turn  eout  tu  be  a  shure 
enough  brother." 

"  Arter  a  spell"  she  did,  through  the  kindness  of  the 
captain,  get  an  introduction  to  him,  and  was  previously 
informed  by  the  commander,  that  Sol.  was  not  only  a 
shure  enough  Mormon,  but  an  elder — in  fact  a  Smith  ! 
Sol.,  as  usual,  was  courteous  and  affable  as  when  intro- 
duced to  little  Vic,  at  the  court  of  St.  James,  and  the 
sister  was  « tickled  all  tu  death"  at  the  idea  of  falling 
in  with  so  pleasant  an  elder.  She  was  a  little  ancient, 
but  buxom,  and  Sol.  felt  flattered  by  her  singling  him 
out  for  an  acquaintance. 

"  I'd  a  know'd  in  a  minit  that  you  was  a  member  of 
the  church  by  your  countenance  and  your  hat.  Brother 
Smith,  you  do  look  so  saintly." 

"Yes,  Ma'm,"  answered  he,  "most  people  take  me 
for  a  member." 


;  I  was  a  thinkin'  if  you  hadn't  chosen  a— he-he-he— a  sister,  why— "—Page  69. 


A  SPIRITUAL  SISTER.  69 

"  There's  ony  one  thing,  Brother  Smith,  which  appears 
ra}-ther  queer  about  our  church,"  said  she,  looking  mo- 
destly at  Sol.,  and  biting  the  corner  of  her  handkerchief, 
"  and  that's  the  <  new  system'  they  have  interduced." 

"Why,  yes, — y-e-s,"  said  Sol.,  at  fault,  "'new 
systems'  do  trouble  the  church  a  good  deal." 

"Law,  Brother  Smith,  do  you  think  the  'speritual 
system'  a  trouble  ?" 

» Well,  no,  not  exactly,  if  it's  a  good  spiritual 
teaching,"  answered  he,  "it's  only  the  false  doctrines 
that  are  evil." 

"  Well,  that's  jest  what  Elder  Adams  sed  down  in 
eour  parts,  and  he  ses  that  it  was  speritually  revealed  tu 
the  Prophet  Joseph,  your  brother,  and  I  was  jest  a 
thinkin',"  and  here  she  spread  her  handkerchief  over 
her  face,  and  twisted  her  head  to  one  side, — "I  was  a 
thinkin'  if  you  hadn't  chosen  a — he-he-he  ! — a  sister, 
why," 

"  We're  at  a  landing,  Ma'm,  excuse  me  for  a  mo- 
ment," and  off  shot  Sol.  to  his  state  room,  where  he 
seized  a  pair  of  well  worn  saddle-bags,  and  his  old  hat, 
which  he  had  thus  far  carried  with  him,  intending  to 
have  it  brushed  up,  and  started  for  the  gang-way  plank. 
The  captain  met  him  in  his  haste,  and  inquired  where 
he  was  going  ? 

"  Why,  captain,"  says  Sol.,  "  I  like  your  boat  vastly, 
and  you  know  I  like  you,  but  there  might  be  a  <  blow 
up'  if  I  stayed  on  board  much  longer." 

"Explain,"  says  the  captain. 

"  Why,  the  fact  is,"  said  Sol.,  "  that  lady  you  intro- 
duced me  to  has  taken  me  for  the  Mormon  Smith ;  now, 
I'm  a  good  many  Smith's  when  my  family  and  titles 


70  hoss  allen's  apology. 

are  all  collected,  but  I  aint  that  Smith !  Just  tell  her  so 
for  me,  and  give  her  my  <  old  hat' — it's  the  best  I  can 
do  for  her."  We  needn't  add  that  Brother  Smith  was 
straightway  among  the  missing! 


HOSS  ALLEN'S  APOLOGY; 

OR,    THE    CANDIDATE'S   NIGHT   IN  A   MUSQUITO    SWAMP ! 

"Well,  old  fellow,  you're  a  hoss  /"  is  a  western  ex- 
pression, which  has  grown  into  a  truism  as  regards 
Judge  Allen,  and  a  finer  specimen  of  a  western  judge, 
to  use  his  constituents'  language,  "  aint  no  whar,"  for, 
besides  being  a  sound  jurist,  he  is  a  great  wag,  and 
the  best  practical  joker  within  the  circuit  of  six  states. 
Among  the  wolf-scalp  hunters  of  the  western  border  of 
Missouri,  Judge,  or,  as  they  more  familiarly  style  him, 
Hoss  Allen  is  all  powerful  popular,  and  the  "bar'' 
hunters  of  the  southern  section  equally  admire  his  free 
and  easy  manners — they  consider  him  one  of  the  people 
— none  of  your  stuck-up  imported  chaps  from  the  dandy 
states,  but  a  real  genuine  westerner — in  short,  a  hoss  ! 
Some  of  the  Judge's  admirers  prevailed  upon  him,  re- 
cently, to  stand  a  canvass  for  the  gubernatorial  chair,  in 
which  he  had  Judge  Edwards  for  an  antagonist,  and 
many  are  the  rich  jokes  told  of  their  political  encounters. 
A  marked  difference  characterizes  the  two  men,  and 
more  striking  opposites  in  disposition  and  demeanor 
would  be  hard  to  find,  Edwards  being  slow,  dignified, 
and  methodical,  while  Hoss  tosses  dignity  to  the  winds, 
and  comes  right  down  to  a  free  and  easy  familiarity 
with  the  "boys."     Hoss  Allen  counted  strong  on  the 


hoss  allen's  apology.  71 

border  counties,  while  his  antagonist  built  his  hopes  on 
the  centre. 

Allen  and  Edwards  had  travelled  together  for  a 
number  of  days,  explaining  their  separate  views  upon 
state  government,  at  each  regular  place  of  appointment, 
and  were  now  nearing  the  southern  part  of  the  state, 
a  section  where  Hoss  had  filled  the  judgeship  with  great 
unction.  Here  he  resolved  to  spring  a  joke  upon  bis 
antagonist,  which  would  set  the  south  laughing  at  him, 
and  most  effectually  insure  his  defeat  among  the  bar 
hunters.  He  had  been  maturing  a  plan,  as  they  jour- 
neyed together,  and  now  having  stopped  for  the  night 
about  one  day's  journey  from  the  town  of  Benton,  one 
of  their  places  of  appointment,  and  the  head  quarters  of 
the  most  influential  men  of  the  bar  section,  Hoss  pro- 
ceeded to  put  his  trick  in  progress  of  execution.  He 
held  a  secret  conference,  at  the  stable,  with  the  boy 
who  took  his  horse,  and  offered  him  a  dollar  to  take  a 
message  that  night  to  Tom  Walters,  at  the  forks  lead- 
ing to  Benton.  The  boy  agreed,  and  Hoss  penciled  a 
note  describing:  his  antagonist,  who  was  unknown  in 
the  south  of  the  state,  coupled  with  an  earnest  request, 
that  he  "  would  keep  a  look  out  for  Judge  Eddards, 
and  by  all  means  be  careful  not  to  let  him  get  into  that 
cussed  cedar  swamp  /"  His  express  was  faithful,  and  in 
due  time  Tom  received  the  missive.  In  the  meantime, 
the  victim,  Edwards,  in  a  sweet  state  of  confidence, 
was  unbending  his  dignity  at  hearing  Hoss  relate  to 
their  host  his  amusing  yarns  about  the  early  settlers. 
Having  talked  all  the  household  into  a  merry  mood,  he 
proposed  turning  in  for  the  night,  but  first  offered  his 
service  to  unlace  the  girls'  corsets,  and  in  an  under- 
breath  as,ked  the  old  woman  to  elope  with  him  in  the 


72  hoss  allen's  apology. 

morning — Edwards  blushed  at  this,  the  girls'  tittered, 
and  the  host  and  his  wife  said,  he  was  a  "  raal  hoss!" 
— Allen  acknowledged  he  was  a  leetle  inclined  that  way, 
and  as  he  had  had  his  feed,  he  now  wanted  his  straw. 

In  the  morning  Hoss  Allen  became  "dreadful  poorly," 
and  it  was  with  great  difficulty  he  could  be  prevailed 
upon  to  get  up.  All  were  sympathising  with  his  afflic- 
tion, and  the  matron  of  the  house  boiled  him  some  hot 
"  sass-tea,"  which,  the  old  man  said,  relieved  him 
mightily.  Judge  Edwards  assured  Hoss,  that  it  would 
be  necessary  for  him  to  lay  up  for  a  day  or  two,  and 
the  afflicted  candidate  signified  the  same,  himself.  Be- 
fore they  parted  Hoss  requested  Edwards,  as  he  had  the 
whole  field  to  himself,  not  to  be  too  hard  upon  him. 
His  antagonist  promised  to  spare  him,  but  chuckled  all 
the  while  at  having  a  clear  field  in  Allen's  most  popular 
district.  Shaking  the  old  Hoss  by  the  hand,  as  they 
were  about  to  separate,  he  remarked — "  we  will  meet 
at  Benton,  I  hope,  in  different  trim,  Friend  Allen." 
They  did  meet  in  different  trim,  but  Edwards  little 
dreamed  the  particular  kind  of  trim  he  would  appear  in. 
As  soon  as  Judge  Edwards  was  fairly  started,  it  was  sur- 
prising the  rapid  change  which  took  place  in  his  antagonist 
— Hoss'  eye  lit  up>  a  broad  grin  spread  over  his  features, 
and  pulling  off  the  handkerchief,  which  was  tied  around 
his  head,  he  twirled  it  above  him  like  a  flag,  then  stuffed 
it  in  his  pocket,  remarking  coolly,  at  the  same  time, — 
"  well,  that  thar  swamp,  jest  at  this  season,  is  awful !  " 
His  express  reported  himself  after  his  night  ride,  assured 
Allen  that  all  was  0.  K.,  and  received  his  dollar  for 
delivering  the  message,  upon  receiving  which  intelli- 
gence, Allen  seated  himself  quietly  and  comfortably  at 
his  coffee,  and  imbibed  it  with  a  relish  that  drove  the 
idea  of  sickness  into  a  hopeless  decline. 


hoss  allen's  apology.  73 

Judge  Edwards  rapidly  progressed  on  his  way,  highly 
gratified  at  having  his  opponent  off  in  this  part  of  the 
field,  and  as  he,  in  this  happy  mood,  journeyed  onwards 
he  set  his  brain  to  work  conning  a  most  powerful  speech, 
one  that  would  knock  the  sand  from  under  Hoss,  and 
leave  him  in  a  state  of  sprawling  defeat.  He  resolved 
to  sweep  the  south,  from  that  point,  like  a  prairie  fire. 
About  noon,  or  perhaps  an  hour  after,  he  arrived  at 
Tom  Walters'  for  dinner,  and  while  it  was  preparing, 
inquired  how  far  he  was  from  Benton  ? 

"I've  an  idea,"  said  Tom,  "you're  well  onto  nine 
miles  frum  thar — jest  an  easy  arternoon  ride." 

This  was  highly  satisfactory  to  the  Judge,  and  per- 
ceiving that  the  provender  preparing  was  of  alike  pleas- 
ing character,  he  spread  himself  back  upon  a  hickory 
bottomed  chair  with  a  kind  of  easy  dignity,  at  once 
comfortable  to  himself,  and  edifying  to  his  host. 

"Stranger,"  inquired  Tom,  "  did  you  scare  up  any- 
thin'  like  the  two  candidates,  Jedge  Eddards  and  old 
Hoss  Allen,  on  your  way  down  yeur  V 

"I  did  see  something  of  them,  my  friend,"  answered 
the  Judge,  and  then,  as  if  making  up  his  mind  to  surprise 
Tom,  and  give  him  a  striking  example  of  democratic 
condescension,  he  inquired,  "would  you  know  either 
of  the  gentlemen,  if  they  stood  before  you?" 

"Why,  as  to  old  Hoss,"  said  Tom,  "I  don't  know 
anybody  else,  but  this  new  Jedge  I  ain't  never  seed, 
and  ef  he  is  the  slicked  up  finefied  sort  on  a  character 
they  pictur'  him,  I  don't  want  to  see  him — Its  my  opi- 
nion, these  squirtish  kind  a  fellars  ain't  perticular  hard 
baked,  and  they  allers  goes  in  fur  aristocracy  notions." 

The  Judge  had  no  idea  that  Tom  was  smoking  him, 
and  he  congratulated  himself  that  an  opportunity  here 


74  hoss  allen's  apology. 

presented  itself,  where  he  could  remove  a  wrong  im- 
pression personally  ;  so,  loftily  viewing  this  southern 
constituent,  be  remarked : 

"You  have  heard  a  calumny,  my  friend,  for  Judge 
Edwards  now  sits  before  you,  and  you  can  see  whether 
his  appearance  denotes  such  a  person  as  you  describe." 

"No!"  shouted  Tom,  with  mock  surprise,  "you 
aint  comin'  a  hoax  over  a  fellar  ? — you  raally  are  the 
sure  enough  Jedge  ?" 

"I  am  really  the  Judge,  my  friend,"  responded  his 
honor,  highly  elevated  with  Tom's  astonishment. 

"  Then  gin  us  your  paw,"  shouted  Tom,  "  you're 
jest  the  lookin'  fellar  kin  sweep  these  yeur  diggins  like 
a  catamount !  What  in  the  yearth  did  you  do  with  old 
Hoss  on  the  road  ?  I  heerd  he  was  a  comin'  along  with 
you.     He  aint  gin  out,  has  he?" 

The  Judge  replied,  with  a  smile  which  expressed 
disparagement  of  Hoss  Allen's  powers  of  endurance, 
that  he  was  forced  to  lie  up  on  the  route,  from  fa- 
tigue. Dinner  being  announced  as  ready  the  Judge  and 
Tom  seated  themselves,  and  the  latter  highly  expanded 
his  guest's  prospects  in  the  district,  assuring  him  that  he 
could  lick  Hoss  "powerful  easy,  ef  he  wasn't  broken 
winded."  The  meal  being  ended,  the  Judge  demanded 
his  horse,  and  inquired  of  his  host  the  direct  road  to 
Benton,  which  Tom  thus  mapped  out : — 

"  Arter  you  pass  the  big  walnut,  about  twTo  miles 
from  yeur,  keep  it  a  mile  on  your  left,  and  take  the 
right  trail  fur  about  six  hundred  yards,  when  you'll 
cum  to  the  <  saplin  acre,'  thar  you  keep  to  the  right 
agin,  and  when  that  trail  fotches  you  up,  why  right 
over  from  thar  lies  Benton." 

This  was  a  very  clear  direction  to  one  who  had  never 


hoss  allen's  apology.  75 

before  travelled  the  road,  but  the  Judge,  trusting  to 
luck,  said,  "he  thought  he  would  be  able  to  get  there 
without  much  difficulty,"  and  started  off,  leaving  his 
late  entertainer  gazing  after  him. 

"  Well,  I  allow  you  will,  Jedge,"  chuckled  Tom, — 
"  You'll  git  inter  that  swamp,  jest  as  sure  as  shootin', 
and  you'll  hev  the  biggest  and  hungryest  audience  of 
mosquitors,  ever  a  candidate  preached  law  or  larnin' 
to  !"  To  secure  his  finding  the  swamp  road,  he  had 
stationed  his  boy  Jim  near  the  turn  off,  to  make  the 
matter  sure. 

In  the  course  of  a  couple  of  hours  along  came  Hoss 
Allen,  who,  as  soon  as  Tom  took  hold  of  his  bridle, 
winked  his  eye  at  him  while  he  inquired  : — 

"  Did  Jedge  Eddards  come  along,  Tom  ?" 

"  Well,  he  did,  Hoss,  oncommon  extensive  in  his 
political  feelins'." 

"  And  you  didn't  let  the  Jedge  stray  away  from  the 
swamp  road  ?"  inquired  Hoss. 

"  Well,  I  predicate  I  didn't,  fur  by  this  time  he's 
travellin'  into  the  diggins  most  amazin'  innocently," 
and  then  the  pair  enjoyed  a  regular  guffaw ! 

"  He's  safe  as  a  skin'd  bar,  then,  Tom,  and  I'll 
spread  his  hide  afore  the  Benton  boys  to-morrow — jest 
let  them  into  the  joke,  and  I  allow,  after  that,  his  dan- 
dified aristocracy  speeches  won't  have  much  effect  in 
this  section. 

"Go  it,  Jedge,"  shouted  Tom,  "ef  I  ain't  thar  to 
hear  it,  it'll  be  'cause  the  breath'll  leave  me  afore  then 
— gin  him  goss  without  sweeten' — rumple  his  har,  but 
don't  spile  the  varmint !" 

After  Hoss  had  stayed  his  stomach  with  a  cold  bite, 
he  bade  Tom  good-day,  and  started  for  Benton,  highly 


76  hoss  allen's  apology. 

tickled  with  the  success  of  his  trick.  As  he  neared  the 
"  saplinacre,"  he  met  Jim,  who  exhibited  a  full  spread 
of  his  ivories,  when  Hoss. inquired  which  road  he  had 
directed  the  gentleman  before  him  ? 

"  He  gone  into  de  swamp  road,  massa,  but  what  de 
debil  he  want  dar,  'cept  he  arter  coon  skins,  dis  niggah 
doesn't  hab  no  idear,  whatsomedeber." 

Allen  passed  on,  assured  that  all  was  right,  and  as  his 
horse  leisurely  ambled  forward,  he  broke  into  singing 
■a.  verse  of  a  western  ditty,  which  says  : — 

u  Thar  aint  throughout  this  western  nation, 

Another  like  old  Hickory 
He  was  born  jest  fur  his  siteation — 

A  bold  leader  of  the  free." 

As  night  spread  her  curtain  over  this  wild  district, 
Hoss  neared  Benton,  and  as  his  nag  jogged  up  the 
principal  street,  he  broke  out  into  a  louder  strain,  re- 
peating the  above  verse,  on  hearing  which,  the  "  boys," 
who  were  expecting  him  and  Edwards,  turned  out,  and 
old  Hoss  was  received  with  a  cheer. 

"Hello,  Jedge  ! — How  are  you,  Old  Hoss? — Give 
us  your  paw,  Governor! — Here  at  last,  Squire  !" — and 
sundry  such  expressions  of  familiar  welcome  was  show- 
ered on  Allen,  by  the  crowd.  "  Come  in,  and  git  a 
drink,  old  fellar,"  shouted  one  of  the  crowd,  and  forth- 
with all  hands  pushed  for  the  hotel  bar  room,  where 
sweetened  corn  juice  was  pushed  about  with  vast  libe- 
rality— at  the  candidate's  expense,  of  course. 

"  Whar  did  you  leave  the  new  fellar,  Jedge  Ed- 
dards?"  was  the  general  inquiry. 

«  Why,  boys,  I  stopped  to  rest  on  the  road,  and  he 
slid  off  to  git  ahead  of  me — I  heered  on  him  at  the 


hoss  allen's  apology.  77 

forks,  and  expected  he  was  here.  It's  my  opinion, 
boys,  he's  seen  a  bar  on  the  road,  and  bein'  too  delicate 
to  make  the  varmint  clar  the  path,  he's  taken  a  long 
circuit  round  him  !" 

This  raised  a  laugh  among  the  crowd,  and  it  was 
followed  up  by  general  inquiries  as  to  what  Edwards 
looked  like,  but  to  these  Hoss  shook  his  head,  remark- 
ing, as  he  raised  his  hands  expressive  of  how  they 
would  be  astonished — "jest  wait  tell  you  see  him 
yourselves,  boys,  and  then  you'll  be  satisfied." 

Let  us  return  to  Judge  Edwards,  who  had  easily 
found  his  way  past  the  "  sapling  acre,"  and  by  the  aid  of 
Jim's  direction  progressed  into  the  swamp  road,  as  easy 
as  if  it  were  his  destination.  Having  travelled,  as  he 
thought,  about  ten  miles,  he  began  to  look  out  for 
Benton,  and  every  now  and  then  uttered  an  expression 
of  surprise,  that  they  had  located  the  town  in  such  a 
swampy  country — every  rod  he  progressed  became 
more  and  more  obscure,  the  brush  more  thick  and  wild 
in  growth,  and  the  ground  more  moist  and  yielding. 
Night,  too,  that  season  for  the  rendezvous  of  underbrush 
and  tangle-wood  horrors,  was  fast  gathering  its  forces 
in  the  depths  of  the  forest,  and  beneath  the  shadows  of 
the  thick  bushes,  shrouding,  as  with  a  dark  mist,  each 
object  on  the  earth's  surface,  creeping  up  the  trunks  of 
the  old  trees,  and  noiselessly  stealing  away  the  light  in 
which  they  had  proudly  spread  their  green  foliage,  while 
in  lieu  of  their  showy  garb  he  clad  them  in  a  temporary 
mourning.  The  song  of  the  birds  became  hushed, 
while  the  cry  of  the  startled  wolf  was  borne  upon  the 
breeze  to  the  ear  of  the  affrighted  traveller,  interrupted 
occasionally  by  the  sharp  m-e-o-w!  of  the  wild-cat, 
making  together  a  vocal  concert  most  unharmonious  to 


78  hoss  allen's  apology. 

the  ear  of  the  bewildered  candidate.  To  sum  up  these 
horrors  a  myriad  of  mosquitoes,  as  musical  as  hunger 
and  vigorous  constitutions  could  make  them,  hummed 
and  fi-z-z-zed  around  him,  darting  in  their  stings  and 
darting  away  from  his  annoyed  blows,  with  a  pertinacity 
and  perseverance  only  known  to  the  Missouri  tribe  of 
insects. 

Poor  Edwards ! — he  was  fairly  in  for  it — into  a  swamp 
at  that ! — Night  was  fast  making  all  roads  alike  obscure, 
and  with  amazing  rapidity  covering  our  traveller  in  a 
mantle  of  uncertainty.  The  possibility  of  his  escape 
that  night  first  became  improbable,  and  then  impossible. 
He  hallooed  at  the  highest  pitch  of  his  voice,  but  the 
wolf  was  the  only  live  varmint  that  answered  his  cry, 
and  a  strange  fear  began  to  creep  over  his  heart.  He 
remembered  well  reading  accounts  of  where  hungry 
droves  of  these  animals  had  eaten  the  horse  from  under 
the  saddle,  the  rider  upon  it,  bones,  hide,  liar  and  all, 
leaving  scarce  a  vestige  of  the  victims  to  mark  the  deed, 
and  his  hair  grew  uneasy  on  his  cranium  at  the  bare 
thought  of  such  an  unpolitical  termination  to  his  can- 
vass. At  this  particular  moment  a  yell,  as  of  a  thousand 
devils  in  his  immediate  neighbourhood,  set  his  heart 
knocking  against  his  ribs  in  a  fearful  manner.  When 
he  partially  recovered  from  the  shock  he  tied  his  horse 
to  one  tree  and  quickly  mounted  another — whispering 
the  hope  to  his  heart,  at  the  same  time,  that  a  meal  on 
his  horse  would  satisfy  the  gathering  crowd  of  varmints, 
who  were  shouting  their  death  song  below  him.  Having 
seated  himself  astride  a  limb,  the  mosquitoes  had  a  fair 
chance  at  him,  and  they  put  the  Judge  through  as  active 
an  exercise  as  ever  was  inflicted  on  a  recruit — there 
was  this  difference,  however,  between  him  and  a  recruit, 


hoss  allen's  apology.  *       79 

they  are  generally  raw  at  the  commencement  ot  a  drill, 
but  poor  Edwards  was  most  raw  at  the  end  of  his  lesson. 
Every  new  yell  of  the  swamp  pre-emptioners,  made  him 
climb  a  limb  higher,  and  each  progression  upwards  ap- 
peared to  introduce  him  to  a  fresh  and  hungrier  com- 
pany of  mosquitoes — the  trees  in  the  swamp  were  like 
the  dwellings  in  Paris,  their  highest  tenants  were  the 
most  needy.  Day  at  length  broke,  and  our  harassed 
candidate,  almost  exhausted,  clambered  from  his  exalted 
position.  His  frightened  but  unscathed  steed  uttered 
a  neigh  of  welcome  as  he  bestrode  him,  and  giving 
loose  to  the  rein  he  committed  his  escape  to  the  animal's 
sagacity,  while  he  aided  his  efforts  by  a  devout  suppli- 
cation. Accident  favored  the  horse's  footsteps,  for 
striking  the  trail  leading  to  the  road  he  started  off  into 
a  trot,  and  soon  broke  his  rider's  spell  of  terror,  by 
turning  into  the  main  avenue  leading  to  Benton. 
Edwards  slowly  passed  his  pimpled  hand  over  his 
worse  pimpled  face,  sadly  remarking: — 

<■•<■  Last  night's  '■bills'^  all  passed,  for  I  bear  their  sting- 
ing signatures  all  over  my  countenance." 

When  ten  o'clock  came,  on  the  day  following  Judge 
Allen's  arrival  at  Benton,  the  town  swarmed  with  the 
southern  constituency  of  Missouri,  and  as  soon  as  the 
tavern  bell,  which  had  been  put  in  requisition  to  announce 
the  candidate's  readiness,  had  ceased  its  clamor,  Hoss 
mounted  the  balcony  of  the  hotel,  and  rolling  up  his 
sleeves  "  spread  himself"  for  an  unusually  brilliant 
effort. 

"Boys!"  shouted  he,  "I  want  your  attention  to 
matters  of  vital  import — of  oncommon  moment,  and 
replete  with  a  nation's  wel/ar."  [Here  looking  down 
into  the  crowd  at  Sam  Wilson,  who  was  talking  as  loud 


80       „  hoss  allen's  apology. 

as  he  could  bellow,  about  an  imported  heifer  he  had 
just  bought,  Hoss  called  his  attention:]  "Sam,"  said 
he,  "you'd  better  bring  that  heifer  of  your'n  up  here  to 
address  the  meetin',  and  I'll  wait  till  the  animal  gits 
through!"  This  raised  a  laugh  on  Sam,  and  Hoss  pro- 
ceeded. After  dilating  at  some  length  on  the  imported 
candidate  who  was  his  antagonist,  he  "  let  himself  out" 
on  some  of  the  measures  he  advocated,  and  particularly 
dwelt  on  the  fact  that  he  went  in  for  creating  a  license 
law  on  hunting  varmints ! 

"  Would  you  have  the  least  mite  of  an  idea,  boys," 
said  Hoss,  "  that  this  creatur'  of  a  faction  wants  to  have 
every  man's  rifle  stamped  with  the  state  arms,  and  then 
made  pay  a  license  to  the  state  before  he  can  git  a 
bonus  for  wolf  scalps."  [At  this  moment  a  shrill  voice 
interrupted  him  again — a  girl  belonging  to  the  hotel 
was  shouting  to  a  couple  of  youngsters,  who  had  been 
despatched  to  the  barn  for  eggs,  to  "quit  sue/tin'  them 
thar  eggs  or  the  candidates  would  stand  a  mighty  small 
chance  furthur  dinner.]  "  Jest  tell  that  gall,"  said  Hoss, 
"  to  suck  my  share  and  stop  her  screamin'."  He 
again  continued:  " I  want  to  know  what  in  yearth  this 
Massissippi  country's  comin'  too,  when  sich  fellars  finds 
favor  with  the  people — what  do  you  think  of  him  boys?" 

"Why,  cuss  his  pictur /"  was  the  general  response 
from  the  bar  hunters. 

While  Hoss  was  thus  arousing  public  indignation 
against  his  antagonist,  a  stranger  entered  the  crowd, 
and  after  listening  a  moment  to  the  speaker's  imaginary 
llights  he  interrupted  him  by  shouting : — 

"I  deny  your  assertions,  Judge  Allen!" 

This  was  a  bomb  shell,  and  the  crowd  cleared  a 
space  round  the  stranger,  in  expectation  of  a  fight ;  but 


hoss  allen's  apology.  81 

Allen  after  surveying  the  stranger,  in  whom  he  recog- 
nised his  antagonist  Edwards,  coolly  inquired  why  he 
disputed  it? 

"What,  ??ie/"  shouted  Edwards,  "who  can  better 
declare  your  assertions  false  than  the  man  you  are  mis- 
representing— you  know  very  well  that  I  am  that  Judge 
Edwards!" 

Hoss  Allen  turned  calmly  round  to  the  crowd  and 
said : — "  Boys,  you  know  I  never  git  angry  at  a  man 
insane  or  in  liquor,  and  as  I  don't  know  this  fellar,  and 
never  seed  him  afore  in  my  life,  its  the  best  proof  that 
he  aint  Jedge  Eddards,  so  you'll  oblige  me  by  taking 
him  off  the  ground  and  keeping  him  from  disturbing  the 
meeting." 

Expostulation  was  useless — without  any  ceremony  he 
was  carried  into  the  hotel,  boiling  with  indignation. 
There,  however,  he  had  to  stay,  at  a  convenient  dis- 
tance to  hear  that  Allen  was  giving  him  "particular 
jesse." 

After  the  meeting  adjourned  three  cheers  were  given 
for  Hoss  Allen,  and  all  parties  gathered  into  the  bar  to 
take  a  little  fluid,  and  discuss  the  speech.  Edwards 
having  now  been  relieved  from  durance,  started  for 
Hoss ; — burning  inside  with  choler  and  smarting  ex- 
teriorly from  mosquito-bites, — he  looked  bitter. 

"Do  you  say  you  don't  know  me,  Judge  Allen?" 
inquired  he. 

Hoss  looked  steadily  at  him,  then  coolly  taking  out 
his  spectacles,  he  wiped  the  glasses,  adjusted  them 
upon  his  nose,  and  surveyed  the  questioner  from  head 
to  foot,  he  then  remarked: 

"  Thar  is  somethin'  about  your  voice,  and  the  clothes 
you  ware,  that  I  ought  to  know — Jedge  Eddards  wore  a 
11 


82  hoss  allen's  apology. 

coat  and  kerseys  exactly  like  your'n,  but  I'll  swar  he 
had  a  better  lookin'  face  than  you  carry  when  we  parted 
yesterday  mornin'.  If  you  are  him  you're  been  the  wust 
used  candidate  I've  seed  in  an  age." 

"  Yes,"  responded  Edwards,  "thanks  to  that  d — n 
nigger  that  sent  me  into  the  swamp.  I  tell  you  sir  that 
I  have  passed  a  night  to  which  the  infernal  regions  are 
a  scant  pattern,  and  between  mosquitoes,  wolves,  and 
wild-cats  I  should  not  be  surprised  if  my  hair  had 
turned  grey." 

"  I  begin  to  re-cognise  you,  now,  Jedge,"  said  Hoss, 
in  a  sympathetic  tone,  "  and  no  wonder  I  didn't  know 
you  at  first  sight — your  head  is  swelled  as  big  as  a 
pumkin!  I'll  do  the  clean  thing,  Jedge,"  said  Hoss, 
starting  for  the  balcony,  I'll  apologise  afore  the  boys, 
publicly,  for  not  knowin'  you." 

"  No,  no  !"  shouted  Edwards,  who  knew  his  apology 
would  only  place  his  night's  adventure  in  a  more  ridi- 
culous light,  « I  don't  demand  any  apology."  But  he 
was  too  late,  Hoss  had  already  called  the  attention  of 
the  crowd. 

"  Boys,"  said  he,  "  as  an  honourable  man  who  finds 
himself  in  the  wrong,  I  am  bound  to  apologise,  pub- 
licly, to  my  friend  Jedge  Eddards, — the  Jedge  is  a 
leetle  changed  in  appearance  since  we  wur  last  together, 
and  I  did  not  re-cognise  him ;  I,  tharfore,  ask  his  par- 
don fur  orderin'  him  off  the  ground." 

"I  grant  it!"  shouted  Edwards,  glad  here  to  wind 
up  the  apology,  then  turning  round  he  added,  "  come 
boys,  let  us  drink  good  friends." 

"  Wait  a  minit,  boys,"  said  Hoss,  "  the  Jedge  and 
I  havin'  smoothed  that  little  marter  over,  I  jest  want  to 
tell  you  why  I  didn't  know  him  at  fust  sight.    You  all 


NATURAL   ACTING.  83 

know  that  the  mosquitoes  in  cedar  swamp  are  an  oreful 
hungry  breed,  and  when  they  git  a  passenger  they  pre- 
sent him  with  numerous  <  relief  bills ;'  well  I  had  gained 
considerable  popularity  in  that  swamp,  by  presentin' 
their  condition  before  the  legislatur'  and  askin'  for  reliet 
for  the  distressed  inhabitants, — the  Jedge,  to  head  me 
down  thar,  passed  all  last  night  on  a  limb  of  one  of  the 
trees  makin'  stump  speeches  to  the  varmints,  and  you 
can  see  by  his  countenance  that  expectin'  to  be  elected 
he  has  accepted  all  their  mosquito  bills  /" 

One  tremendous  shout  rent  the  air,  followed  by  bursts 
of  laughter,  from  which  Edwards  retreated  into  the  hotel. 
We  have  but  to  add  that  Hoss  carried  the  Bar  counties 
"  as  easy  as  rolling  off  a  log!"  His  antagonist  in  vain 
tried  to  stem  the  tide  of  fun, — when  he  essayed  to  speak 
a  m-e-o-w  of  a  wild-cat  or  the  hum  of  a  mosquito  imita- 
ted by  some  of  his  audience  would  be  sure  to  set  the 
rest  sniggering,  and  spoil  his  effort. 


NATURAL  ACTING! 

DAN    MARBLE'S    FIRST    APPEARANCE     AT 
GRAND    RIVER,    MICHIGAN. 

Several  years  since  our  friend  Dan  Marble,  the 
celebrated  representative  of  Yankee  characters,  was  per- 
forming an  engagement  at  Detroit,  and  was  persuaded 
by  some  friends  to  take  a  trip  to  Chicago,  and  give 
them  a  taste  of  his  quality  in  the  lake  city.  Dan  con- 
sented, and  on  board  of  the  good  steamer  Constitution, 
commanded  by  a  skilful  captain,  under  the  care  of 
Doty,  one  of  the  best  lake   engineers,  and  piloted  by 


-' 


84  NATURAL  ACTING. 

Gus.  McKinstry,  they  set  out  in  the  fall  of  the  year  for 
their  northern  destination.  All  went  "  merry  as  a  mar- 
riage bell ;"  they  had  a  successful  trip  up, — Dan.  had 
a  successful  engagement — and  back  they  started  for 
Detroit.  But  now  the  elements  became  rebellious ; 
whether  rude  Boreas  resolved  to  keep  this  favorite  son 
of  Momus  up  there  in  his  northern  home,  we  know  not, 
but  when  the  vessel  that  bore  his  fortunes — his  own 
comical  self — had  nearly  reached  the  head  of  the  lake, 
against  a  head  wind  that  would  almost  tear  off  a  shirt 
collar,  they  run  out  of  wood,  and  was  forced  to  scud 
back  to  Milwaukee  a  "  leetle  dust  faster  than  they 
wanted  tu."  They  loaded  up  with  the  fuel  again,  and 
shutting  their  teeth  with  determination,  they  fastened  tight 
the  safety  valve,  and  tried  it  again  right  in  the  teeth  of 
the  hurricane.  After  puffing,  and  blowing,  and  wheezing, 
and  coughing,  the  old  boat  had  to  give  in,  and  hunt  a 
harbor.  Fate  drove  them  into  Grand  River — we  say, 
Fate  did  it,  in  order,  as  we  think,  to  keep  up  the  cha- 
racter of  a  grand  stream  by  opening  a  dramatic  temple  on 
its  banks,  with  an  exhibition  of  the  budding  greatness 
of  a  genius.  Fate,  you  know,  has  the  ordering  of  such 
things. 

The  noble  steamer  came  to  anchor  in  the  quiet  river, 
between  its  towering  sand  banks,  and  old  "  blow  hard" 
tossed  the  lake  wave  on  the  outside,  top-mast  high,  with 
glee,  at  having  penned  Dan.  Down  came  an  inhabitant 
of  the  town  of  Grand  River,  who  had  seen  Dan.  perform 
at  Buffalo,  and  recognising  him,  up  he  posted  to  spread 
the  news.  In  the  meantime,  those  on  board  were  won- 
dering how  they  should  pass  the  weary  hours,  if  the 
fierce  wind  continued  its  fury.  Presently,  down  comes 
another  resident  to  the  boat,  a  small  cat-skin  cap  on  his 


NATURAL  ACTING.  85 

head,  a  Canada-mixed  coat  on,  and  dressed  in  deerskin 
breeches. 

"Whar  is  he  ? — which  is  him? — consarn  his  comic 
pictur,  show  him  out — ha-ha-ha  !" 

"Who  are  you  lookin'  after,  Mister?"  inquired  the 
pilot. 

"  Why  Dan — corn  twist  him — Dan  Marble,  to  be 
sure." 

"  Well,  here  I  am,  old  fellar,"  answered  the  pilot, 
"  take  a  look  at  me !"  The  pilot  weighed,  about  two 
hundred  and  twenty-two  pounds,  and  had  on  an  old 
sou-wester  tarpaulin.  Back  stepped  the  inhabitant  of 
Grand  River,  as  if  to  get  a  good  look,  and  take  in  all 
his  dimensions  at  one  stare.  Gus,  the  pilot,  made  a 
wry  face  at  his  cat-skin  observer,  and  out  he  burst : 

"  Ha-ha-ha  ! — ho-ho-ho  ! — he-he-he  ! — cuss  me  ef 
you  ain't  jest  as  I  heerd  on  you — we've  got  you,  have 
we  ?  ha-ha-ha ! — stop  till  I  go  and  get  the  fellars,  and 
by  grist  mills  you'll  have  to  gin  us  a  playin' !"  and 
forthwith  off  started  the  cat-skin  cap  and  deer-skin 
breeches,  their  owner  pausing  every  hundred  yards  to 
ejaculate — 

«  Ha-ha  ! — we've  got  him  !" 

In  a  short  time  he  returned,  sure  enough,  and  half 
the  town  with  him.  A  number  of  the  business  men  of 
the  place  waited  upon  Dan,  proper,  and  requested  that 
he  would  amuse  them,  and  pass  away  his  own  time,  by 
relating  some  of  his  Yankee  stories,  singing  songs,  &c, 
tendering  him,  at  the  same  time,  the  second  story  of  a 
storehouse  for  his  theatre.  Dan  consented,  and  al1 
hands  on  board  entering  into  the  spirit  of  the  thing, 
they  soon  constructed  a  temporary  stage,  with  a  sail 
for  a  back  scene  and  the  American  flag  for  a  curtain. 


86  NA1URAL  ACTING. 

Night  came,  and  with  its  shadows  came  the  inhabitants 
of  the  town  of  Grand  River — the  owner  of  the  cat-slrin 
cap  and  his  party,  among  the  number. 

In  order  to  make  his  performance  varied,  Dan  made 
arrangements  to  produce  the  skunk  scene,  from  the 
"  Water  Witch ;"  and  drilled  Doty,  the  engineer,  Gus, 
the  pilot,  the  clerk  of  the  boat,  and  the  mate,  to  perform 
the  English  sailors  in  the  scene.  It  will  be  remembered 
by  those  who  have  witnessed  it,  that  they  catch  the 
Yankee  just  as  he  has  killed  a  skunk,  and  are  about  to 
press  him  as  a  sailor ;  he  persuades  them  to  see  a  spe- 
cimen of  his  shooting — they  stick  up  the  dead  animal  as 
a  mark,  and  while  he  gets  their  attention  upon  the  object 
in  one  direction,  he  retreats  in  the  other,  showing  off  in 
his  exit  a  specimen  of  "  tall  walking."  After  consi- 
derable drilling  his  assistants  were  pronounced  perfect ; 
but  the  pilot  swore  that,  to  play  an  English  sailor,  he 
must  get  disguised,  so  accordingly  he  primed  with  a 
double  quantity  of  grog.  His  associates,  jealous  of  his 
natural  acting,  say  he  had  to  get  drunk  before  he  could 
look  at  the  audience.  Up  went  the  curtain,  and  on  went 
Dan;  of  course  the  audience  were  amused  —  they 
couldn't  help  it;  but  cat-skin  looked  in  vain  for  his 
Dan.  At  length  the  skunk  scene  opened,  and  on  came 
the  pilot  at  the  head  of  his  party.  The  deer-skin 
breeches  could  hardly  hold  their  owner;  he  ha-ha'd 
and  ho-ho'd  as  if  he  would  go  into  fits.  Gus  clapped 
his  eye  upon  him,  and  screwed  up  his  face  into  as  many 
lines  as  a  map,  which  finished  the  effect  with  cat-skin — 
he  rolled  off  his  seat,  almost  convulsed.  Now  com- 
menced the  scene  with  Yankee  Dan,  and  when  he  told 
Gus  to  stoop  down  and  watch  his  shot,  it  was  with 
considerable  difficulty  that  the  pilot  balanced  himself  in 


A  CANAL  ADVENTURE.  87 

any  such  position.  While  they  were  stooping,  off 
started  Dan  in  their  rear,  and,  to  keep  up  the  scene,  off 
they  started  in  pursuit;  Dan,  according  to  plot,  hid 
behind  the  r.  h.  wing,  front — his  pursuers  should  here 
pass  him  and  cross  the  stage,  allowing  him,  by  a  Yankee 
trick,  to  escape ;  but  that  portion  of  the  plot  Gus,  the 
pilot,  had  forgotten ;  he,  therefore,  came  to  a  dead  halt 
and  looked  round  for  Dan;  there  he  was,  and  out 
shouted  Gus  :  "  Come  out,  old  fellar — I  see  you !" 

Dan  shook  his  head  and  signed  for  them  to  go  on. 

"No  you  don't,"  says  the  pilot;  "we  caught  you 
fair,  and  I'm  be  d — d  if  you  shan't  treat  /" 

The  effect  was  irresistible ;  Dan  had  to  give  in,  and 
the  curtain  dropped  before  a  delighted  audience — a 
collapsed  pair  of  deer-skin  breeches,  and  upon  the  first 
night  of  the  drama  in  Grand  River.  The  owner  of  the 
cat-skin  cap  and  deer-skin  breeches  maintains,  to  this 
day,  that  the  pilot  was  Dan  Marble. 

»  Them  other  fellars,"  says  he,  "  done  pooty  well, 
but  any  'coon,  with  half  an  eye,  could  see  that  that  fat 
fellar  did  the  naturalest  acting! 


A  CANAL  ADVENTURE. 

"Oh  hapless  our  fate  was,  each  one  and  all, 
For  we  were  wreck-ccZ  on  the  Erie  Canal," 

Old  Ballad. 

On  an  evening  in  the  month  of  July,  1836, 1  embarked 
at  Lockport,  in  company  with  some  fourteen  passen- 
gers, on  board  an  Erie  Canal  packet,  destined  for  Ro- 
chester.    It  will  be  remembered  that  this  was  during 


88  A  CANAL  ADVENTURE. 

the  great  migrating  period  in  the  United  States,  when 
all  nations  and  pursuits  had  representatives  on  our  prin- 
cipal travelling  routes.  Our  party  was  no  sooner  aboard 
than  the  "  bold  captain"  gave  the  word,  the  horses 
were  got  U  under  weigh,"  the  feathers  set,  and  all  hands 
called  to  pick  out  their  shelf- — a  six  foot-by-one  conve- 
nience, suspended  by  cords — upon  which  they  stowed 
away  passengers  for  the  night.  Babel  never  heard  a 
greater  confusion  of  tongues  than  this  call  set  wagging. 
But  above  them  all  was  heard  the  silver  tone  of  a  tra- 
velling exquisite,  piping  out — 

"  I-aw  am  first,  cap'en,  really, — I  claim  pwior  choice, 
I  do,  dem  if  I  don't." 

Happening  to  be  first  on  the  register,  it  was  accorded, 
and  the  captain  suggested  a  locker  berth,  as  the  most 
comfortable. 

"No!  no! — dem, — beg  you-a  pawden,  cap'en," 
shouted  the  exquisite,  "  some  gwos,  fat  individual, 
might  get  on  the-a  upa  shelf  and  bweak  down, — I  should 
be  mangled  howibly." 

"Be  jabers,  I'd  like  to  hev  the  squazin  of  him,  me- 
silf,"  said  a  burly  Irishman. 

»  They'd  better  spill  a  leettle  smellin'  stuff  on  the 
pesky  animal,  or  he'll  spile  before  mornin',"  chimed 
in  a  Yankee. 

After  sundry  remarks,  at  the  exquisite's  expense,  and 
considerable  confusion,  all  were  duly  ticketed  for  the 
night,  and  commenced  piling  themselves  away  like 
pledges  in  a  pawnbroker's  shop.  Jonathan  and  the 
Irishman  carelessly  spread  themselves  upon  a  couple  of 
long  cane-bottomed  settees,  which  occupied  the  centre 
of  the  cabin,  and,  in  a  very  brief  space  of  time,  the 
company  hushed  into  silence,  save  an  occasional  short 


A  CANAL  ADVENTURE.  89 

blessing  bestowed  upon  the  short  berths.  When  all 
appeared  to  have  dropped  into  forgetfulness,  the  head 
of  a  way-passenger  was  thrust  into  the  cabin  entrance, 
with  the  inquiry — 

"  Is  there  any  berths  here  ?" 

"  Sure,  this  is  the  gintlemerCs  cabin,"  answered  the 
Irishman. 

"  Well,  I  want  to  know  if  there's  any  berths  here  ?" 
reiterated  the  inquirer. 

«  Divil  a  chance  for  wan  here,"  was  the  response ; 
»  don't  I  tell  ye  this  is  the  gintlemen's  cabin  ?" 

This  conversation  partially  aroused  the  sleepers,  who 
inquired  of  the  Emeralder  what  was  the  row  ? 

"  Some  botherin'  docthur,"  was  the  sleepily  muttered 
reply. 

All  soon  again  relapsed  into  quiet ; — snore  began  to 
answer  snore,  in  "  high  and  boastful  blowing ,"  and  I 
turned  my  back  to  the  lamp  for  the  purpose  of  making 
a  somnolent  effort,  individually.  After  tossing  and 
turning  for  some  time,  I  found  that  the  plentiful  supper 
taken  at  Lockport  had  entered  a  veto  against  sleep  for 
me,  and  every  effort  failed  to  accomplish  more  than  a 
drowsy  lethargy,  which  still  left  the  senses  partially 
awake.  A  strange  bumping  noise  aided  to  keep  me  in 
this  state,  and  I  was  labouring  to  assign  a  cause  for  the 
sound,  when  a  voice  distinctly  cried  out — 

"  It's  no  use  a  pumpin',  captin',  and  I  won't!  She 
may  sink  and  be  dern'd  /" 

The  concluding  part  of  this  remark  started  my  senses 
into  activity,  and,  after  an  effort,  I  turned  round  on  my 
foot-wide  couch,  and  took  a  survey  of  my  "  sleeping 
partners,"  to  observe  how  the  voice  had  affected  them ; 
but  not  a  muscle  moved — all  were  chorussins:  beauti- 


90  A  CANAL  ADVENTURE. 

fully  the  lays  of  dream-land.  The  certainty  of  our 
"  sinking  and  be  dern'd,"  was  soon  apparent,  for  the 
light  of  the  lamp,  suspended  from  the  ceiling  of  the 
cabin,  soon  began  to  be  reflected  from  the  floor — the 
waters  were  quietly  stealing  upon  the  unconscious 
sleepers.  My  first  impulse  was  to  sound  the  alarm,  but, 
fortunately,  possessing  a  "  top  shelf,"  and  conscious 
that  we  could  sink  but  a  few  feet,  I  held  my  peace  until 
the  water  should  increase  its  depth,  being  sure  of  fun 
when  I  gave  the  signal. 

A  pair  of  boots  now  commenced  a  very  fair  forward- 
two  to  a  boot-jack  which  was  busily  engaged  in  exe- 
cuting a  chassez  before  a  nodding  hat, — stockings  were 
wriggling  about,  as  if  pleased  with  the  fun,  and,  in  a 
few  minutes  more,  all  was  a  scene  of  life  among  the 
sleepers'  "  unconsidered  trifles"  of  wardrobe  carelessly 
cast  upon  the  floor.  The  water  having  reached  within 
a  few  inches  of  the  slumbering  pair  upon  the  cane-bot- 
tomed settees,  I  sounded  the  alarm,  by  shouting — 
"Murder!  boat's  sinking!  hurrah!  help!"  Off  tum- 
bled the  Irishman  and  Yankee — splash — dash — flounder 
and  exclamation ! 

"  Holy  Virgin  !  what's  this  ?"  inquired  Pat. 

"  Cre-a-tion  and  the  deluge !"  shouted  Jonathan 

"  Good  gwacious !"  piped  in  the  dandy. 

Down  hopped  the  tenants  of  the  shelves,  like  bodies 
in  a  family  vault  at  the  general  rising — up  again  they 
hopped,  light  as  spirits  and  twice  as  natural,  the  instant 
their  pedal  extremities  touched  the  water. 

"Take  it  cool,  gentlemen,"  shouted  a  westerner, 
from  a  top  berth,  "these  are  the  canal  extras." 

A  lady,  at  this  moment,  parted  the  curtains  of  their 
cabin — the  Emeralder,  with  true  gallantry,  seized  her 


THE  STANDING  CANDIDATE.  91 

in  his  arms,  with  a  shout  of  »  Riscue  the  ladies !"  and 
bore  her  out  on  deck.  Jonathan,  not  to  be  outdone 
by  a  foreigner,  stood  ready  for  the  second,  but  her 
weight  (only  two  hundred  pounds)  put  a  stumper  on 
his  gallantry.  Yankee  ingenuity,  however,  overcame 
the  difficulty, — by  making  a  bridge  of  the  cane  settees, 
the  ladies  were  safely  conducted  from  their  watery 
quarters. 

It  was  a  funny  scene  on  deck,  that  night,  and  little 
ceremony  was  observed  in  making  a  toilet.  None,  how- 
ever, seemed  to  take  the  matter  seriously  but  the  dandy — 
he  had  lost  all  his  beautifying  essentials,  in  the  confusion, 
and  was  almost  frightened  to  death  at  his  hair-breadth 
'scape.  Jonathan  was  offering  him  some  crumbs  of 
comfort,  to  induce  him  to  make  a  purchase  for  his  future 
safety. 

"I'll  tell  you  what,  Mister,"  says  Jonathan,  "jest 
buy  one  of  my  everlastin'-no-drownin'-dry-and-water- 
tight-life-presarvers,  and  when  you  git  it  fixed  right, 
it'll  keep  you  so  dry  you'll  have  to  sprinkle  yourself  to 
stick  together. 


THE  STANDING  CANDIDATE. 

HIS   EXCUSE   FOR   BEING    A   BACHELOR. 

At  Buffalo  Head,  Nianga  county,  state  of  Missouri, 
during  the  canvass  of  1844,  there  was  held  an  extensive 
political  Barbecue,  and  the  several  candidates  for  con- 
gress, legislature,  county  offices,  &c,  were  all  con- 
gregated at  this  southern  point  for  the  purpose  of  making 
an  immense  demonstration.     Hards,  softs,  whigs  and 


92  THE  STANDING  CANDIDATE. 

Tylerites  were  represented,  and  to  hear  their  several 
expositions  of  state  and  general  policy,  a  vast  gathering 
of  the  Missouri  sovereigns  had  also  assembled.  While 
the  impatient  candidates  were  awaiting  the  signal  to 
mount  the  "  stump,"  an  odd-looking  old  man  made  his 
appearance  at  the  brow  of  a  small  hill  bounding  the 
place  of  meeting. 

"Hurrah  for  old  Sugar!"  shouted  an  hundred 
voices,  while  on,  steadily,  progressed  the  object  of  the 
cheer. 

Sugar,  as  he  was  familiarly  styled,  was  an  old  man, 
apparently  about  fifty  years  of  age,  and  was  clad  in  a 
coarse  suit  of  brown  linsey-woolsey.  His  pants  were 
patched  at  each  knee,  and  around  the  ankles  they  had 
worn  off  into  picturesque  points — his  coat  was  not  of 
the  modern  close-fitting  cut,  but  hung  in  loose  and  easy 
folds  upon  his  broad  shoulders,  while  the  total  absence 
of  buttons  upon  this  garment,  exhibited  the  owner's  con- 
tempt for  the  storm  and  the  tempest.  A  coarse  shirt, 
tied  at  the  neck  with  a  piece  of  twine,  completed  his 
body  covering.  His  head  wras  ornamented  with  an  old 
woollen  cap,  of  divers  colors,  below  which  beamed  a 
broad,  humorous  countenance,  flanked  by  a  pair  of  short, 
funny  little  grey  whiskers.  A  few  wrinkles  marked  his 
brow,  but  time  could  not  count  them  as  sure  chronicles 
of  his  progress,  for  Sugar's  hearty,  sonorous  laugh  oft 
drove  them  from  their  hiding  place.  Across  his  shoulder 
was  thrown  a  sack,  in  each  end  of  which  he  was  bearing 
to  the  scene  of  political  action,  a  keg  oibrannew  whiskey, 
of  his  own  manufacture,  and  he  strode  forward  on  his 
inoccason  covered  feet,  encumbered  as  he  was,  with  all 
the  agility  of  youth.  Sugar  had  long  been  the  standing 
candidate  of  Nianga  county,  for   the   legislature,   and 


Old  Sugar :  the  Standing  Candidate—  Page  92. 


THE  STANDING  CANDIDATE.  93 

founded  his  claim  to  the  office  upon  the  fact  of  his 
being  the  first  "squatter"  in  that  county — his  having 
killed  the  first  bar  there,  ever  killed  by  a  white  man, 
and,  to  place  his  right  beyond  cavil,  he  had  'stilled  the 
first  keg  of  whiskey !  These  were  strong  claims,  which 
urged  in  his  comic  rhyming  manner  would  have  swept 
the  "  diggins,"  but  Sugar,  when  the  canvass  opened, 
always  yielded  his  claim  to  some  liberal  purchaser  of 
his  fluid,  and  duly  announced  himself  a  candidate  for 
the  next  term. 

"Here  you  air,  old  fellar!"  shouted  an  acquaintance, 
"  allays  on  hand  'bout  'lection." 

"Well,  Nat.,"  said  Sugar,  "you've  jest  told  the 
truth  as  easy  as  ef  you'd  taken  sum  of  my  mixtur — 

'  Whar  politicians  congregate, 
I'm  allays  thar;  at  any  rate  !'  " 

"  Set  him  up! — set  the  old  fellar  up  somewhar,  and 
let  us  take  a  univarsal  liquor!"  was  the  general  shout. 

"  Hold  on,  boys, — keep  cool  and  shady,"  said  old 
Sugar,  "  whar's  the  candidates  ? — none  of  your  splurgin 
round  till  I  git  an  appropriation  fur  the  sperits.  Send 
em  along  and  we'll  negotiate  fur  the  fluid,  arter  which  I 
shall  gin  'em  my  instructions,  and  they  may  then  per- 
cede  to 

'Talk  away  like  all  cre-a-tion, 

What  they  knows  about  the  nation.' " 

The  candidates  were  accordingly  summoned  up  to 
pay  for  Sugar's  portable  grocery,  and  to  please  the 
crowd  and  gain  the  good  opinion  of  the  owner,  they 
made  up  a  purse  and  gathered  round  him.  Sugar  had 
placed  his  two  kegs  upon  a  broad  stump  and  seated 
himself  astride  of  them,  with  a  small  tin  cup  in  his  hand 


94  THE  STANDING  CANDIDATE. 

and  a  paper  containing  brown  sugar  lying  before  him — ■ 
each  of  his  kegs  was  furnished  with  a  spiggot,  and  as 
soon  as  the  money  for  the  whole  contents  was  paid  in, 
Sugar  commenced  addressing  the  crowd  as  follows: 

"  Boys,  fellars,  and  candidates,"  said  he,  "  I,  Sugar, 
am  the  furst  white  man  ever  seed  in  these  yeur  diggins 
— I  killed  the  furst  bar  ever  a  white  skinned  in  this 
county,  and  I  kalkilate  I  hev  hurt  the  feelings  of  his 
relations  sum  sence,  as  the  bar-skin  linin'  of  my  cabin 
will  testify ; — 'sides  that,  I'm  the  furst  manufacturer  of 
whiskey  in  the  range  of  this  district,  and  powerful  mixtur' 
it  is,  too,  as  the  hull  bilin'  of  fellars  in  this  crowd  will 
declar' ; — more'n  that,  I'm  a  candidate  for  the  legislatur', 
,and  intend  to  gin  up  my  claim,  this  term,  to  the  fellar 
who  kin  talk  the  pootyest ; — now,  finally  at  the  eend, 
boys,  this  mixtur'  of  mine  will  make  a  fellar  talk  as  iley 
as  goose-grease, — as  sharp  as  lightnin',  and  as  per- 
suadin'  as  a  young  gal  at  a  quiltin',  so  don't  spar  it 
while  it  lasts,  and  the  candidates  kin  drink  furst,  'cause 
they've  got  to  do  the  talkin' !" 

Having  finished  his  charge  he  filled  the  tin  cup  full 
of  whiskey,  put  in  a  handful  of  brown  sugar,  and  with 
his  forefinger  stirred  up  the  sweetening,  then  surveying 
the  canditates  he  pulled  off  his  cap,  remarking,  as  he 
did  so : 

"Old  age,  allays,  afore  beauty! — your  daddy  furst, 
in  course,"  then  holding  up  the  cup  he  offered  a  toast, 
as  follows: 

"Here  is  to  the  string  that  binds  the  states;  may  it 
never  be  bit  apart  by  political  rats  /"  Then  holding  up 
the  cup  to  his  head  he  took  a  hearty  swig,  and  passed 
it  to  the  next  oldest  looking  candidate.  While  they 
were  tasting  it,  Sugar  kept  up  a  fire  of  lingo  at  them :' 


'and  with  his  forefinger  stirred  up  the  sweetening." — Page  94. 


THE  STANDING  CANDIDATE.  95 

«  Pass  it  along  lively,  gentlemen,  but  don't  spar  the 
fluid.  You  can't  help  tellin'  truth  arter  you've  swaller'd 
enough  of  my  mixtur',  jest  fur  this  reason,  its  ben  'stilled 
in  honesty,  rectified  in  truth,  and  poured  out  with  wis- 
dom !  Take  a  leetle  drop  more,"  said  he  to  a  fastidious 
candidate,  whose  stomach  turned  at  thought  of  the  way 
the  "mixtur"'  wTas  mixed.  "Why,  Mister,"  said 
Sugar,  coaxingly. 

{Ef  you  vrar  a  babby,  jest  new  born, 
'Twould  do  you  good,  this  juicy  corn!1 " 

"  No  more,  I  thank  you,"  said  the  candidate,  draw- 
ing back  from  the  proffer. 

"Sugar  winked  his  eye  at  some  of  his  cronies,  and 
muttered — "  He's  got  an  c-ristocracy  stomach,  and  can't 
go  the  native  licker."  Then  dismissing  the  candidates 
he  shouted, — "  crowd  up,  constitooenfc,  into  a  circle, 
and  let's  begin  fair — your  daddy  furst,  allays ;  and  mind, 
no  changin'  places  in  the  circle  to  git  the  sugar  in  the 
bottom  of  the  cup.  I  know  you're  arter  it  Tom  Wil- 
liams, but  none  on  your  yankeein'  round  to  git  the 
sweetnin' — it's  all  syrup,  fellars,  cause  Sugar  made  and 
mixed  it.  The  gals  at  the  frolicks  allays  git  me  to  pre- 
par'  the  cordials,  'cause  they  say  I  make  it  mity  drink- 
able. Who  next?  What  you,  old  Ben  Dent! — Well, 
hold  your  hoss  for  a  minit,  and  I'll  strengthen  the  tin 
with  a  speck  more,  jest  because  you  can  kalkilate  the 
valee  of  the  licker,  and  do  it  jestiss!" 

Thus  chatted  Sugar  as  he  measured  out  and  sweetened 
up  the  contents  of  his  kegs,  until  all  who  would  drink 
had  taken  their  share,  and  then  the  crowd  assembled 
around  the  speakers.  We  need  not  say  that  the  virtues 
of  each  political  party  were  duly  set  forth  to  the  hearers 


96  THE  STANDING  CANDIDATE. 

— that  follows  as  a  matter  of  course,  candidates  dwell 
upon  the  strong  points  of  their  argument,  always.  One 
among  them,  however,  more  than  his  compeers,  attracted 
the  attention  of  our  friend  Sugar,  not  because  he  had 
highly  commended  the  contents  of  his  kegs,  but  be- 
cause he  painted  with  truth  and  feeling  the  claims  of  the 
western  pioneers  !  Among  these  he  ranked  the  veteran 
Col.  Johnson  and  his  compatriots,  and  as  he  rehearsed 
their  struggles  in  defence  of  their  firesides,  how  they 
had  been  trained  to  war  by  conflict  with  the  ruthless 
savage,  their  homes  oft  desolated,  and  their  children 
murdered, — yet  still,  ever  foremost  in  the  fight,  and  last 
to  retreat,  winning  the  heritage  of  these  broad  valleys 
for  their  children,  against  the  opposing  arm  of  the  red 
man,  though  aided  by  the  civilized  power  of  mighty 
Britain,  and  her  serried  cohorts  of  trained  soldiery! 
We  say  as  he  dwelt  upon  these  themes  Sugar's  eye 
would  fire  up,  and  then,  at  some  touching  passage  of 
distress  dwelt  upon  by  the  speaker,  tears  would  course 
down  his  rude  cheek.  When  the  speaker  concluded  he 
wiped  his  eyes  with  his  hard  hand,  and  said  to  those 
around  him: — 

«  That  arr  true  as  the  yearth! — thar's  suthin'  like  talk 
in  that  fellar ! — he's  the  right  breed,  and  his  old  daddy 
has  told  him  about  them  times.  So  did  mine  relate  'em 
to  me,  how  the  ony  sister  I  ever  had,  when  a  babby 
had  her  brains  dashed  out  by  one  of  the  red  skinned 
devils!  But  didn't  we  pepper  them  fur  it?  Didn't 
I  help  the  old  man,  afore  he  grew  too  weak  to  hold  his 
shootin'  iron,  to  send  a  few  on  'em  off  to  rub  out  the 
account?  Well,  I  did! — Hey!  and  shutting  his  teeth 
together  he  yelled  through  them  the  exultation  of  full 
vengeance. 


THE  STANDING  CANDIDATE.  97 

The  speaking  being  done,  candidates  and  hearers 
gathered  around  old  Sugar,  to  hear  his  comments  upon 
the  speeches,  and  to  many  inquiries  of  how  he  liked 
them,  the  old  man  answered : — 

"  They  were  all  pooty  good,  but  that  tall  fellar  they 
call  Tom,  from  St.  Louis ;  you,  I  mean,  stranger," 
pointing  at  the  same  time  to  the  candidate,  "  you  jest 
scart  up  my  feelin's  to  the  right  pint — you  jest  made  me 
feel  wolfish  as  when  I  and  old  dad  war  arter  the  red 
varmints;  and  now  what'll  you  take  ?  I'm  goin'  to  pub- 
licly decline  in  your  favor." 

Pouring  out  a  tin  full  of  the  liquor,  and  stirring  it  as 
before,  he  stood  upright  upon  the  stump,  with  a  foot  on 
each  side  of  his  kegs,  and  drawing  off  his  cap,  toasted : — 

"The  memory  of  the  western  pioneers  V 

A  shout  responded  to  his  toast,  which  echoed  far 
away  in  the  depths  of  the  adjoining  forest,  and  seemed 
to  awaken  a  response  from  the  spirits  of  those  departed 
heroes. 

"  That's  the  way  to  sing  it  out,  boys,"  responded 
old  Sugar,  "  sich  a  yell  as  that  would  scar  an  inim}* 
into  ager  fits,  and  make  the  United  States  Eagle  scream 
<  Hail  Columby.'" 

"  While  you're  up,  Sugar,"  said  one  of  the  crowd, 
give  us  a  stump  speech,  yourself." 

"Bravo!"  shouted  an  hundred  voices,  "a  speech 
from  Sugar." 

"Agreed,  boys,"  said  the  old  man,  "I'll  jest  gin 
you  a  few  words  to  wind  up  with,  so  keep  quiet  while 
your  daddy's  talkin' 

'Sum  tell  it  out  jest  like  a  song, 
I'll  gin  it  to  you  sweet  and  strong.'  *' 

13 


98  THE  STANDING  CANDIDATE. 

The  ony  objection  ever  made  to  me  in  this  arr  county, 
as  a  legislatur',  was  made  by  the  wimin,  'cause  I  war  a 
bachelor,  and  I  never  told  you  afore  why  I  re-mained  in 
the  state  of  number  one — no  fellar  stays  single  pre-me- 
ditated,  and,  in  course,  a  hansum  fellar  like  me,  who 
all  the  gals  declar'  to  be  as  enticin'  as  a  jay  bird, 
warn't  goin'  to  stay  alone,  ef  he  could  help  it.  I  did 
see  a  creatur'  once,  named  Sofy  Mason,  up  the  Cum- 
berland, nigh  onto  Nashville,  Tennesee,  that  I  tuk  an 
orful  hankerin'  arter,  and  I  sot  in  to  lookin'  anxious  fur 
martrimony,  and  gin  to  go  reglar  to  meetin',  and  tuk  to 
dressin'  tremengeous  unified,  jest  to  see.  ef  I  could  win 
her  good  opinion.  She  did  git  to  lookin'  at  me,  and 
one  day,  cumin'  from  meetin',  she  was  takin'  a  look  at 
me  a  kind  of  shy,  jest  as  a  hoss  does  at  suthin'  he's 
scart  at,  when  arter  champin'  at  a  distance  fur  awhile,  1 
sidled  up  to  her  and  blarted  out  a  few  words  about  the 
sarmin' — she  said  yes,  but  cuss  me  ef  I  know  whether 
that  wur  the  right  answer  or  not,  and  I'm  a  thinkin'  she 
didn't  know  then,  nuther !  Well,  we  larfed  and  talked 
a  leetle  all  the  way  along  to  her  daddy's,  and  thar  I  gin 
her  the  best  bend  I  had  in  me,  and  raised  my  bran  new 
hat  as  peert  and  perlite  as  a  minister,  lookin'  all  the 
time  so  enticin'  that  I  sot  the  gal  tremblin'.  Her  old 
daddy  had  a  powerful  numerous  lot  of  healthy  niggers, 
and  lived  right  adjinin'  my  place,  while  on  tother  side 
lived  Jake  Simons — a  sneakin',  cute  varmint,  who  war 
wusser  than  a  miser  fur  stinginess,  and  no  sooner  did 
this  cussed  sarpint  see  me  sidlin'  up  to  Sofy,  than  he 
went  to  slickin'  up,  too,  and  sot  himself  to  work  to  cut 
me  out.  That  arr  wur  a  struggle  ekill  to  the  battle  of 
Orleans.  Furst  sum  new  fixup  of  Jake's  would  take 
her  eye,  and  then  I'd  sport  suthin'  that  would  outshine 


THE  STANDING  CANDIDATE.  99 

him,  until  Jake  at  last  gin  in  tryin'  to  outdress  me,  and 
sot  to  thinkin'  of  suthin'  else.  Our  farms  wur  jest  the 
same  number  of  acres,  and  we  both  owned  three  nig- 
gers apiece.  Jake  knew  that  Sofy  and  her  dad  kept  a 
sharp  eye  out  fur  the  main  chance,  so  he  thort  he'd  clar 
me  out  by  buyin'  another  nigger ;  but  I  jest  follor'd 
suit,  and  bought  one  the  day  arter  he  got  his,  so  he  had 
no  advantage  thar;  he  then  got  a  cow,  and  so  did  I, 
and  jest  about  then  both  on  our  pusses  gin  out.  This 
put  Jake  to  his  wits'  eend,  and  I  war  a  wunderin'  what 
in  the  yearth  he  would  try  next.  We  stood  so,  hip  and 
thigh,  fur  about  two  weeks,  both  on  us  talkin'  sweet  to 
Sofy,  whenever  we  could  git  her  alone.  I  thort  I  seed 
that  Jake,  the  sneakin'  cuss,  wur  gittin'  a  mite  ahead  of 
me,  'cause  his  tongue  wur  so  iley ;  howsever,  I  didn't 
let  on,  but  kep  a  top  eye  on  him.  One  Sunday  mornin' 
I  wur  a  leetle  mite  late  to  meetin',  and  when  I  got  thar 
the  furst  thing  I  seed  war  Jake  Simons,  sittin'  close  bang 
up  agin  Sofy,  in  the  same  pew  with  her  daddy!  I  biled 
a  spell  with  wrath,  and  then  tarned  sour ;  I  could  taste 
myself!  Thar  they  wur,  singin'  himes  out  of  the  same 
book.  Je-e-eminy,  fellars,  I  war  so  enormous  mad  that 
the  new  silk  handkercher  round  my  neck  lost  its  color! 
Arter  meetin'  out  they  walked,  linked  arms,  a  smilin' 
and  lookin'  as  pleased  as  a  young  couple  at  thar  furst 
christenin',  and  Sofy  tarned  her  '  cold  shoulder'  at  me 
so  orful  pinted,  that  I- wilted  down,  and  gin  up  right 
straight — Jake  had  her,  thar  wur  no  disputin'  it!  I 
headed  toward  home,  with  my  hands  as  fur  in  my 
trowsers  pockets  as  I  could  push  'em,  swarin'  all  the 
way  that  she  wur  the  last  one  would  ever  git  a  chance 
to  rile  up  my  feelin's.  Passin'  by  Jake's  plantation  I 
looked  over  the  fence,  and  thar  stood  an  explanation  of 


100  THE  STANDING  CANDIDATE. 

the  marter,  right  facin'  the  road,  whar  every  one  passin' 
could  see  it — his  consarned  cow  was  tied  to  a  stake  in 
the  gar  din',  with  a  most  promisin?  calf  alongside  of  her  ! 
That  calf  jest  soured  rny  milk,  and  made  Sofy  think, 
that  a  fellar  who  war  allays  gittin'  ahead  like  Jake,  wur 
a  right  smart  chance  for  a  lively  husband!" 

A  shout  of  laughter  here  drowned  Sugar's  voice,  and 
as  soon  as  silence  was  restored  he  added,  in  a  solemn 
tone,  with  one  eye  shut,  and  his  forefinger  pointing  at 
his  auditory : — 

"  What  is  a  cussed  sight  wusser  than  his  gittin'  Sofy 
war  the  fact,  that  he  borrowed  that  calf  the  night  before 
from  Dick  Harkley  !  Arter  the  varmint  got  Sofy  hitched , 
he  told  the  joke  all  over  the  settlement,  and  the  boys 
never  seed  me  arterwards  that  they  didn't  b-a-h  at  me 
fur  lettin'  a  calf  cut  me  out  of  a  gal's  affections.  I'd 
a  shot  Jake,  but  I  thort  it  war  a  free  cojntry,  and  the 
gal  had  a  right  to  her  choice  without  bein'  made  a 
widder,  so  I  jest  sold  out  and  travelled!  I've  allays 
thort  sence  then,  boys,  that  wimin  wur  a  good  deal 
like  lic/cer,  ef  you  love  'em  too  hard  thar  sure  to  throw 
you  some  way : 

'Then  here's  to  wimin,  then  to  licker, 
Thar's  nuthin'  swimmin'  can  be  slicker !' ' 


AN  EMIGRANT'S   PERILS; 

OR,    A    FLYING    TICKET    ON    THE    MISSISSIPPI. 

The  inexperienced  dweller  in  a  quiet  home,  who  has 
never  been  tempted  to  wander  from  its  peaceful  pre- 
cincts, has  but  a  faint  idea  of  the  emigrant's  troubles, 
and  many  may  fail  to  deeply  sympathise  with  Michael 
O'Reily,  the  subject  of  our  sketch  ;  but  there  are  those 
who  have  mingled  in  the  perilous  tide,  and  can  know- 
ingly speak  of  its  dangers.  "Maybe,"  as  Michael 
would  say,  "  it's  mesilf  that  has  had  a  full  peck  measure 
of  thim,  barrin'  what  I  injayneously  iscaped." 

Michael's  brother,  Patrick,  had  induced  him  to  quit 
the  little  cottage  and  pratie  patch  on  the  green  sod,  for 
a  home  where  »  goold"  flowed  up  the  rivers.  At  the 
time  we  encountered  him  he  had  reached  the  spot  where 
"  a  great  man  intirely,"  had  prophesied  this  shiny  metal 
would  flow  to,  and  he  but  waited  to  reach  Patrick's 
home  on  the  Missouri  river,  to  set  a  net  in  the  stream 
and  catch  his  share.  As  he  and  Mrs.  O'R.,  who  was 
well,  but,  naturally  enough,  »  wakely,"  were  seate/1  on 
the  boat,  considering  how  they  could  get  further  up 
stream,  a  steamboat  runner  came  to  their  aid,  and  forth- 
with made  every  necessary  arrangement  for  taking  them 
safe.  Michael's  mind  being  at  ease  about  that  matter, 
he  ventured  to  indulge  in  a  whiff  of  the  pipe,  when  he 
was  accosted  by  another  of  the  off-in-twenty-minutes 
agents. 

"Passage  up  the  Missouri,  sir?"  inquires  the  runner. 

101 


102  an  emigrant's  perils. 

»  Yis,  I'm  goin'  wid  ye's,"  says  Michael,  »  sure  wan 
uv  your  boys  ingaged  me  a  minnit  ago." 

The  runner  perceiving  in  a  moment  that  a  rival  had 
encountered  Michael,  resolved  to  do  the  aforesaid  rival 
out  of  his  passenger,  and  accordingly  hurried  him  oft' to 
his  own  boat,  by  telling  him  that  steam  was  up! 

The  "  done"  runner,  on  returning  and  finding  his 
passenger  off,  suspected  that  the  rival  boat  had  secured 
him,  and  ventured  upon  the  "  terror  experiment"  to 
win  him  back.  Michael  instantly  recognised  his  first 
friend,  and  saluted  him  with — 

"  I'm  here,  ye  see  !" 

"  Yes,  but  you've  got  yourself  into  a  kingdom-come 
snarl,  if  you  only  know'd  it,  without  half  tryin'." 

Twist  the  snarl  which  way  Michael  would,  it  sounded 
unpleasantly,  and  he  ventured  to  inquire — 

"  Its  what  did  ye  say  kind  of  snarl,  I  was  in  ?" 

"  I  only  just  want  to  open  your  peepers  to  the  fact, 
of  having  been  trapped  on  board  an  old  hoat,  fully  in- 
sured, with  a  desperate  shaky  'scape-pipe,  and  engaged 
to  be  blow'd  up  this  trip  ;  so  good  by  old  fellow,  you're 
ticketed." 

"  Och!  if  she's  fully  insured,  all's  right,"  says  Mi- 
chael, whispering  safety  to  his  heart,  "  and  the  boy  that  I 
came  wid,  says  she  can  run  up  a  tree  if  there's  a  dhrap 
of  wather  on  it." 

"If  she  don't  run  up  a  tree,"  was  the  reply,  "  she'll 
be  sure  to  ran  agin  a  snaggy  one,  and  then,  I  predicate, 
some  of  her  passengers  '11  be  blow'd  tree  high,  so  you're 
in  for  it,  old  hoss  !  Good  by, — I  say,  if  you  should  see 
my  old  uncle  down  thar"  pointing  at  the  same  time 
significantly  to  the  rushing  river,  "  the  one  I  mean  who 
didn't  leave  me  any  money,  tell  him  for  me,  as  he's 


an  emigrant's  perils.  103 

gone  to  the  d — 1,  to  shake  himself — will  you?"  and 
after  delivering  himself  of  this  soothing  request,  he  va- 
nished, leaving  Michael  fancying  himself  astride  of  a 
'scape  pipe  riding  over  tree  tops,  rocket  fashion. 

"  Och  sorra  the  day  I  iver  put  fut  among  sich  hay- 
thins!"  soliloquised  Michael,  "  to  talk  of  a  man's  bein' 
blown  to  smithereens,  as  if  it  were  but  a  gintle  rap  wid 
a  shillaleh — faith  its  out  uv  this  I'll  be  immigratin' 
quicker  than  you  could  peel  a  pratie,"  and  forthwith  he 
proceeded  to  move,  with  all  possible  haste,  his  stock 
of  worldly  effects  ;  observing  which  the  runner,  who 
had  awoke  his  fears,  shouted  out  as  aquickener,  "  don't 
forget  uncle,  for  he  would  think  it  dreadful  mean,  if  I 
didn't  send  word  by  somebody  I  knew  was  goinJ  direct." 

"  Leave  that  luggage  alone,"  savagely  shouted  the 
mate,  "you  can't  leave  this  boat — you're  engaged." 

"  Thrue  for  ye's,"  says  Michael  in  a  doleful  tone, 
"be  dad  I  was  omadhaun  enough  to  do  that  same,  and 
ye's  can  blow  me  up  when  iver  you're  a  mind  to." 

"  We  don't  blow  her  up,"  says  the  mate,  "  until  the 
downward  trip,  unless  some  gentleman  's  requested  it 
in  his  bargain  ;  if  you've  got  a  flying  ticket  we  are  bound 
to  accommodate  you,"  and  just  at  that  moment,  whiz 
went  a  steam-cock. 

"  Be  aisy  for  the  Lord's  sake,"  shouted  Michael, 
"  blow  her  up  for  the  gintleman  comin'  down  ;  as  I'm 
not  used  to  it,  I  might  fall  awkwardly  in  some  man's 
apple  orchard  and  desthroy  a  peach  tree — d'ye  mind." 

Having  been  assured  that  all  was  safe,  and  that  by 
express  desire  the  blowing  up  was  deferred,  he  took  his 
seat  at  the  stern.  As  the  shades  of  evening  gathered 
around  the  boat  and  over  the  waters,  the  steamer  pushed 
from  her  moorings, — the  last  we  saw  of  Michael  he  was 


104  FUN  WITH  A  "BAR." 

holding  in  one  hand  a  small  string  of  beads,  with  a  ro- 
sary attached,  while  the  other  grasped  the  painter  of  the 
jolly-boat  towing  astern,  and  his  eye  with  a  doubtful, 
but  resigned  expression,  was  firmly  fixed  on  the  shaky 
'scape-pipe. 


FUN  WITH  A  "BAR." 

A   NIGHT   ADVENTURE   ON    THE   MISSOURI. 

At  the  head  of  a  ravine  on  the  border  of  the  river 
Platte,  one  bright  night  in  June,  was  gathered  a  party 
of  Missouri  hunters,  who  were  encamped  after  a  day's 
chase  for  buffalo.  The  evening's  repast  was  over,  and 
as  they  stretched  themselves  in  easy  attitudes  around 
their  stack  of  rifles,  each  looked  at  the  other  with  a 
kind  of  questioning  expression,  of  whether  it  should  be 
sleep  or  a  yarnt  The  bright  moon,  with  full  round 
face,  streamed  down  into  their  midst,  and  sprinkled  her 
silvery  sheen  over  shrub  and  flower,  investing  night  in 
those  vast  solitudes  with  a  strange  charm  which  forbid 
sleep,  and  with  common  consent  they  raised  themselves 
into  a  sitting  posture  and  proposed  a  "  talk,"  as  the  red 
skins  say.  Dan  Elkhorn  was  the  leader  of  the  party, 
and  all  knew  his  store  of  adventure  inexhaustible,  so 
a  unanimous  call  was  made  upon  Dan  for  a  story. 
"  Come,  Dan,"  cried  a  crony,  "  give  us  something  to 
laugh  at,  and  let  us  break  this  silence,  which  seems  to 
breed  a  spirit  of  melancholy — stir  us  up,  old  fellow,  do !" 

Dan  pulled  his  long  knife  out  of  his  belt,  and  laying 
it  before  him,  smoothed  back  his  long  grey  hair.  He 
was  a  genuine  specimen  of  the  hardy  American  moun- 


FUN  WITH  A  "  BAR."  105 

taineer, — like  the  Indian,  he  dressed  in  deer  skins  and 
wore  the  moccason,  while  every  seam  in  his  iron  coun- 
tenance told  of  'scapes  and  peril.  Seeing  that  all  were 
attention  he  commenced — 

"Well,  draw  up  closer,  boys,  so  I  shan't  have  to 
holler,  'cause  breth  is  gittin'  kind  a  short  with  me  now, 
and  I  want  to  pacel  it  out  to  last  pretty  strong  till  the 
wind-up  hunt.  You,  Mike,  keep  your  eye  skinned  for 
Ingins,  'cause  ef  we  git  deep  in  a  yarn  here,  without  a 
top  eye  open,  the  cussed  varmints  '11  pop  on  us  unawars, 
and  be  stickin'  some  of  thur  quills  in  us — nothin'  like 
havin'  your  eye  open  and  insterments  ready.  I've  a  big 
idea  to  gin  you  an  account  of  some  fun  I  had  with  an 
old  bar,  on  the  Missouri,  when  I  was  a  younker,  and 
considerably  more  spry  than  I  am  jest  now.  I  want  to 
tell  you  fust,  boys,  that  bars  are  knowin'  animals,  and 
they  kin  jest  tell  a  younker  of  the  human  kind  as  easily 
as  they  kin  a  small  pig  from  the  old  sow  ; — they  don't 
fool  with  me  now,  for  they've  got  to  know  me! 

"  Well,  old  Alic  Dennison,  a  neighbour  of  mine  on 
the  Missouri,  had  bin  about  two  years  up  in  the  moun- 
tains, and  when  he  came  home  he  gin  a  treat  to  all  the 
fellars  within  thirty  miles  of  him — that  was  jest  seven 
families — and  among  'em,  in  course,  I  got  an  invite. 
Alic  and  I  had  sot  our  cabins  on  opposite  sides  of  the 
drink,  near  enough  to  see  each  other,  and  a  red  skin,  ef 
he'd  come  on  a  scalp  visit,  would  a  bin  diskivered  by 
either.  When  Alic's  frolic  was  to  cum  off,  I  was  on 
hand,  sartain.  About  evenin'  I  got  my  small  dug-out, 
and  fixin'  my  rifle  carefully  in  the  fore  eend,  and  stickin' 
my  knife  in  the  edge  whar  it  would  be  handy,  I  jest 
paddled  over  the  drink. 

A  little  above  our  location  thar  wur  a  bend  in  the 


106  FUN  WITH  A  "BAR." 

stream  which  a  kind  a  turned  the  drift  tother  eend  up, 
and  planted  them  about  the  spot  between  our  cabins — ■ 
snags  and  sawyers,  jest  thar,  wur  dreadful  plenty,  and 
it  took  mity  nice  padlin'  to  git  across  without  tiltin' ; 
howsever,  I  slid  atween  'em,  sarpentine  fashion,  and  got 
over  clar  as  a  pet  coon.  Thar  wur  considerable  folks 
at  Alic's,  fur  some  of  the  families  in  them  diggins  had 
about  twenty  in  number,  and  the  gals  among  'em  warn't 
any  on  your  pigeon  creaturs,  that  a  fellar  dassent  tech 
fur  fear  of  spilin'  'em,  but  raal  scrougers — any  on  'em 
over  fourteen  could  lick  a  bar,  easy.  My  decided 
opinion  jest  now  is,  that  thur  never  was  a  gritty  er 
crowd  congregated  before  on  that  stream,  and  sich 
other  dancin'  and  drinkin'  and  eatin'  bar  steaks,  and 
corn  dodger,  and  huggin'  the  gals,  don't  happen  but 
once  in  a  fellar's  lifetime,  and  scarcely  that  often.  .  Old 
Alic  had  a  darter  Molly,  that  war  the  most  enticin', 
gizzard-ticklin',  heart- distressin'^e^me  creatur  that  ever 
made  a  fellar  git  owdacious,  and  I  seed  Tom  Sellers 
cavortin'  round  her  like  a  young  buffalo — he  was  puttin' 
in  the  biggest  kind  a  licks  in  the  wTay  of  courtin',  and 
between  her  eyes  and  the  sweetened  whiskey  he'd  drank, 
you'd  a  thought  the  fellar  would  a  bursted.  Jest  to 
make  matters  lively,  I  headed  up  alongside  of  Molly, 
and  shyed  a  few  soft  things  at  her,  sech  as  askin'  how 
she  liked  bar  steaks  cooked,  and  if  Jim  Tarrant  warn't 
equal  in  the  elbow  to  a  mad  panter's  tail,  when  he  war 
fiddlin'  that  last  reel,  and  sech  amusin'  light  conversa- 
tion. Well,  boys,  Tom  started  swellin'  instanter.  He 
tried  to  draw  her  attention  from  me;  but  I  got  talkin' 
about  some  new  improvements  I  war  contemplatin' 
about  my  cabin,  and  the  cow  I  expected  up  from  St. 
Louis,  'sides  lonely  feelins  I'd  bin  havin'  lately,  and 


FUN  WITH  A  "  BAR."  107 

Tom  couldn't  git  in  a  show  of  talk,  edgeways.  Didn't 
he  git  mad? — wur  you  ever  near  enough  to  a  panter 
when  his  liar  riz  with  wrath?  Well,  ef  you  have,  you 
can  create  some  idea  of  Tom's  state  of  mind,  and  how 
electricity,  from  liquor  and  love,  run  out  to  the  eends 
of  his  head  kiverin'.  It  wur  easy  to  see  he  wur  a  gittin' 
dangerous,  so  I  slid  off  and  left  him  alone  with  the  gal. 
Arter  I  got  a  talkin'  to  another  one  of  the  settlers'  young 
women,  Molly  kept  lookin'  at  me,  and  every  now  and 
then  sayin'  somethin'  pleasin'  across  to  me,  while  she 
warn't  payin'  any  attention  to  Tom  at  all.  He  spread 
himself  into  a  stiff  bow  and  left  her;  then  movin'  across 
the  floor  like  a  wounded  deer,  he  steadied  himself  on 
the  back  of  my  seat,  and  lookin1  me  in  the  face,  says : 

"  '  Mister  Elkhorn,  I  shud  be  strenuously  obleeged  to 
you  ef  you'll  step  down  thar  with  me  by  the  old  per- 
simmen  tree.' 

»  I  nodded  my  head,  and  told  him  to  trot  outside  and 
wait  till  I  got  the  docyments,  and  as  soon  as  he  moved 
I  sent  his  old  daddy  to  accompany  him.  I  jest  informed 
the  old  fellar  that  Tom  wanted  a  fight,  and  as  he  was 
too  full  of  corn  juice  to  cut  carefully,  I  didn't  want  to 
take  advantage  of  him.  The  old  man  said  he  was 
obleeged  to  me,  and  moved  out.  Tom,  thinkin'  it  wur 
me,  staggered  ahead  of  the  old  man,  and  I  concluded, 
as  it  war  near  mornin',  to  leave  ;  'cause  I  knew  when 
Tom  found  out  his  daddy  was  along  with  him  instead 
of  me,  he'd  have  a  fight  any  how.  I  acknowledge  the 
corn,  boys,  that  when  I  started  my  track  warn't  anythin' 
like  a  bee-line ; — the  sweeten'd  whiskey  had  made  me 
powerful  thick-legged ;  but  arter  a  fashion  I  got  to  my 
dug-out,  with  nothin'  of  weapon  along  in  the  world  but 
the  paddle.     Thar  war  jest  enough  light  to  tell  tha 


108  FUN  WITH  A  "  BAR." 

snags  wur  plenty,  and  jest  enough  corn  juice  inside  to 
make  a  fellar  not  care  a  cuss  fur  'era.  I  felt  strong  as 
a  hoss,  too,  and  the  dug-out  hadn't  more'n  leaped  six 
lengths  from  the  bank  afore — zip — chug — co-souse  I 
went — the  front  eend  jest  lifted  itself  agin  a  sawyer  and 
emptied  me  into  the  element!  In  about  a  second  I 
came  up  bang  agin  a  snag,  and  I  guess  I  grabbed  it 
sudden,  while  old  Missouri  curl'd  and  purl'd  around 
me  as  ef  she  was  in  a  hurry  to  git  to  the  mouth,  so  she 
might  muddy  the  Massissippi.  I  warn't  much  skeer'd, 
but  still  I  didn't  jest  like  to  hang  on  thar  till  daylight, 
and  I  didn't  want  to  make  a  fuss  fur  fear  they'd  say  I 
war  skary.  I  had  sot  myself  on  the  eend  of  the  snag, 
and  was  jest  tryin'  to  cypher  out  some  way  of  gittin'  to 
shore,  when  I  thought  I  diskiver'd  a  fellar  sittin'  on  the 
bank.  At  fust,  he  looked  so  black  in  the  coat  I  thought 
it  war  Tom  Sellers,  who'd  sot  himself  down  to  wait  fur 
a  fight : — Tom  had  on  at  the  frolic  a  black  blanket  coat 
with  a  velvet  collar,  and  he  thought  it  particularly  nice. 
Arter  lookin'  at  him  move  about  and  sit  down  on  his 
hunkers  once  or  twice,  I  thought  I'd  holler  to  him;  but 
he  appeared  so  dreadful  drunk  that  I  didn't  expect 
much  help  from  him. 

"  t  Tom,'  shouted  I,  '  come  out  here  with  a  dug-out, 
and  help  a  fellar  off,  will  you  ?' 

"He  sot  still,  without  sayin'  a  word.  'Well,'  says 
I  to  him,  <  you're  meaner  than  an  Ingin !  and  would 
bait  a  trap  with  your  daddy's  leggins.'  He  didn't  move 
fur  a  spell ;  at  last  into  the  drink  he  popped,  and  now, 
thought  I,  he  is  mad  and  no  dispute.  I  could  see  him 
paddlin'  right  fur  me,  and  I  holler'd  to  him  that  I  had 
no  insterments,  but  he  didn't  say  a  whisper,  ony  shoved 
along  the  faster.     At  last  up  he  come  agin  my  snag, 


FUN  WITH  A  "BAR."  109 

and  the  next  minit  he  reached  fur  me,  and  then  he  tried 
to  fix  his  teeth  into  my  moccason ;  so  guessin'  it  war 
time  to  do  somethin',  I  jest  grabbed  fur  his  muzzle,  and 
I'm  blessed,  boys,  ef  it  warn't  a  great  he  bar  !  The 
cussed  varmint  had  watched  me  from  the  house  and 
seed  I  had  no  weapons,  and  when  I  upsot  he  just 
counted  me  his'n,  and  was  quietly  calculatin'  on  the 
bank  howr  he'd  best  git  me  out  of  the  water.  I  had 
nothin'  in  the  y earth  but  a  small  fancy  pen  knife,  but  I 
stuck  that  in  him  so  quick  that  he  let  me  go,  and  while 
he  swam  for  one  snag  I  reached  for  another.  I  never 
heerd  a  bar  laugh  out  loud  afore,  but  I'm  a  sucker  ef 
he  didn't  snigger  twice  at  the  way  he  rolled  me  off  my 
log. 

"  We  sot  lookin'  at  one  another  fur  a  spell,  when  I 
seed  the  varmint  gittin'  ready  to  call  on  me  agin,  and 
in  about  a  second  more  off  he  dropped,  and  strait  he 
took  a  shute  for  my  location.  As  he  came  up  close  to 
me  I  slit  his  ear  with  the  small  blade,  and  he  got  mad ; 
but  jest  as  he  was  circling  round  me  to  git  a  good  hold, 
I  dropped  on  to  his  hinder  eend  and  grabbed  his  har, 
and  I  guess  I  made  him  move  fur  shore  a  leetle  faster 
than  a  steam  boat — my  little  blade  kept  him  dreadful 
itchy.  Well,  the  fun  of  the  thing  wur,  boys,  as  soon 
as  the  varmint  teched  shore,  he  turned  right  round  on 
me,  and  I'm  cussed  if  I  hadn't  to  turn  round,  too,  and 
scratch  for  the  snag  agin  !  with  that  consarned  bar  feelin' 
my  legs  with  his  paw  every  stroke  I  war  makin'  to  git 
away  from  him !  I  got  a  little  skary,  now,  and  a  good 
deal  mad,  fur  thar  the  varmint  war  a  waitin'  for  me,  and 
whinin'  as  ef  he  had  been  ill-treated,  and  thar  I  wur 
perched  up  on  a  sawyer,  bobbin'  up  and  down  in  the 
water.     At  last  I  sot  a  hollerin'  and  kept  on  at  it,  and 


110  FUN  WITH  A  "BAR." 

hollered  louder,  until  I  seed  some  one  cum  from  the 
house,  and  singin'  out  agin  they  answered  me.  I  asked 
who  it  war,  and  found  that  it  war  Molly,  old  Alic's 
darter ;  so  I  gin  her  a  description  of  my  siteaytion,  and 
she  war  into  a  dug-out  in  a  minit,  and  paddlin'  towards 
me.  I  believe  I  said  wonce,  boys,  that  bars  wur  knowin' 
critters,  but  ef  thar's  anythin'  true  on  this  yearth,  it's 
the  fact,  that  this  consarned  animal  had  made  up  his 
mind  to  upsot  that  gal,  and  I'm  blessed  ef  he  didn't 
jest  as  cute  as  ef  he'd  bin  human!  Startin'  from  his 
snag  he  swam  to  the  dug-out,  put  up  both  paws,  and 
over  it  went — over  went  Molly  into  the  stream,  and  off 
slid  Mister  bar,  laffin'  out  loud  !  as  I'm  a  white  man. 

"  I  seized  Molly  as  she  came  floatin'  towards  me,  and 
stuck  her  upon  my  sawyer,  while  I  started  for  an  adji- 
nin'  snag.  I  could  hear  Molly  grittin'  her  teeth,  she 
war  so  bilin'  mad,  and  jest  as  soon  as  she  could  git 
breath,  she  hollered  to  me  to  be  sure  I  never  rested  till 
I  killed  that  varmint.  I  swore  on  that  snag  that  I'd 
grow  thin  chasin'  the  critter,  and  she  seemed  to  git 
pacified.  Well,  thar  we  wur,  in  the  stream,  and  it  a 
leetle  too  rough  to  swim  in  easy,  so  we  had  to  sing  out 
for  help,  and  I  yelled  till  I  war  nigh  onto  hoarse,  afore 
anythin'  livin'  stirred  about  the  house;  at  last,  nigger 
Jake  came  down  to  the  edge  of  the  river,  jest  as  day 
was  breakin',  and  puttin'  his  hand  over  his  eyes,  he 
hollers — 

u  (.  Why,  Massa  Dan,  is  dat  you  wot's  been  hollo  win' 
eber  so  long  for  somebody !' 

"  '  You've  jest  took  the  notion  to  cum  see,  have  you, 
you  lazy  nigger — now  git  a  dug-out  and  come  out  here 
and  git  your  missus  and  me  off  these  snags,  and  do  it 
quick,  too,  or  I'll  make  you  holler !' 


FUN  WITH  A  "  BAR."  Ill 

"  <  What,  Missus  dar,  too  ."  shouted  the  nigger,  <■  well, 
dat's  funny — de  Lor !'  and  off  the  cussed  blueskin  started 
fur  the  house,  and  in  a  few  minits  all  that  could  gethered 
out  to  see  us  and  laugh  at  our  water  locations. 

"  I  had  bin  gittin'  riled  by  degrees,  and  now  was  at 
a  dangerous  pint — the  steam  began  to  rise  off  on  me 
till  thar  wur  a  small  fog  above  my  head,  and  as  the  half 
drunken  varmints  roared  a  laffin,  and  cracked  their  jokes 
about  our  courtin'  in  the  middle  of  the  drink,  I  got  awful 
excited.  <  I'll  make  ribbons  of  every  man  among  you,' 
says  I,  '  when  I  git  whar  thar's  a  chance  to  fight.'  And 
then  the  cussed  crew  roared  the  louder.  Tom  Sellers 
yelled  out  that  we'd  bin  tryin'  to  elope,  and  this  made 
Molly  mad, — her  daddy  got  a  little  mad,  too,  and  I 
bein'  already  mad,  thar  wur  a  wrathy  trio  on  us,  and 
the  old  fellow  said,  ef  he  thought  I'd  been  playin'  a 
two-faced  game,  and  bitin'  his  friendship  like  a  pizen 
varmint,  he'd  drop  me  off  the  log  I  wur  on  with  a  ball 
from  his  rifle.  I  jest  told  him  to  fire  away  and  be  d — d, 
for  I  wur  wore  out  a  patience.  Some  of  the  boys  held 
him,  while  others  got  the  dug-out  and  came  to  our  as- 
sistance. I  jest  got  them  to  drop  me  on  my  side  of  the 
river,  and  to  send  over  my  rifle,  and  as  soon  as  it  war 
on  hand  I  onloosed  my  dog  Yelp,  and  started  to  wipe 
out  my  disgrace. 

"  That  infernal  bar,  as  soon  as  he'd  tossed  Molly  in 
the  stream,  started  for  the  woods  ;  but,  as  ef  he  had  rea- 
soned on  the  chances,  the  varmint  came  to  the  conclu- 
sion that  he  couldn't  git  away,  and  so  got  up  into  a 
crotch  of  a  low  tree,  about  a  quarter  of  a  mile  from  my 
cabin.  Old  Yelp  smelled  him,  and  as  soon  as  I  clapped 
peeper  on  him  I  let  sliver,  when  the  varmint  dropped 
like  a  log, — I  went  to  him  and  found  he'd  bin  dead  for 


112  TELEGRAPHING  AN  EXPRESS. 

an  nour.  My  little  blade  couldn't  a  killed  him,  so  it's 
my  opinion,  clearly  entertained,  that  the  owdacious  var- 
mint, knowin'  I'd  kill  him  for  his  trick,  jest  climbed  up 
lhar  whar  I  could  easy  find  him,  and  died  to  spite  me  ! 
"  His  hide,  and  hard  swearin',  got  me  and  Molly  out 
of  our  elopin'  scrape,  and  the  lickin'  I  gin  Tom  Sellers 
.that  spring  has  made  us  good  friends  ever  sence.  He 
don't  wonce  ventur'  to  say  anythin'  about  that  bar  scrape, 
without  my  permission !" 


TELEGRAPHING  AN  EXPRESS. 

A  NIGHT'S  ADVENTURE  IN  THE  AMERICAN  BOTTOM. 

The  great  struggles  to  obtain  early  news  in  the  east, 
between  the  proprietors  of  daily  journals,  has  infused  a 
spirit  of  rivalry  in  their  western  brethren,  and  they  have 
been  of  late,  prating  all  along  the  Mississippi  valley, 
about  expresses  to  Washington,  railroads  to  Oregon, 
regular  lines  to  California,  telegraphs  connecting  St. 
Louis  with  the  east,  &c,  and  sundry  other  newT-fangled 
methods  of  getting  ahead  of  time.  We  do  not  much 
wonder  at  it,  for  this  is  the  age  of  expresses,  and  the 
man  who  lingers  along  in  the  old  "  sure-and-easy" 
method,  is  certain  to  be  lost  sight  of  in  the  rapid  whirl 
of  the  new  order  of  things.  In  the  matter  of  news,  now- 
a-days,  it  is  not  news  unless  expressed,  and  we  hesitate 
not  to  say  that  the  President's  message,  received  in  the 
old  fashioned  wait-till-you-get-it  manner,  would  not  be 
read  with  interest. 

At  St.  Louis,  on  the  night  of  the  17th  of  December, 
the  President's  message  was   expected  in   town,  and 


TELEGRAPHING  AN  EXPRESS.  113 

many  were  the  suspicious  rumours  in  circulation,  about 
private  expresses,  magnetic  telegraphs,  and  "  enormous" 
arrangements  to  spread  the  intelligence  with  rapidity. 
Every  body  knew  that  the  old  slow-and-easy  line 
through  Illinois  would  be  along  sometime  that  night, 
and  allowing  it  ten  days  from  Washington  to  the  Mis- 
sissippi, it  was  very  probable  that  among  its  contents* 
would  be  found  a  copy  of  that  important  document. 
Col.  K.,  a  veteran  conducter  of  the  city  press,  called  a 
few  of  his  boys  together,  that  evening,  and  quietly  re- 
marked to  them : — 

"  Boys,  that  terrapin  team  will  arrive  to  night  on  the 
other  side  of  the  river  with  the  message,  and  as  it  gene- 
rally remains  there  until  next  morning,  unless  we  can 
persuade  the  driver  to  cross  the  river,  wTe  will  get  no 
message  until  to  morrow,  so  I  wish  you  to  start  as  an 
express,  and  see  if  you  can't  coax  him  to  cross. — Use 
the  persuasive,  liberally,  but  bring  him  and  the  mail- 
bags,  anyhow!" 

Orders  were  positive,  and  a  "  team"  of  three  started 
to  execute  the  Colonel's  orders.  The  river  was  a  sheet 
of  solid  ice,  upon  which  the  full  moon  poured  down  a 
flood  of  radiance.  Across  the  ice  they  dashed,  gained 
the  Illinois  side,  and  chartering  a  wagon  and  horses 
belonging  to  a  couple  of  suckers,  started  to  meet  the 
stage.  The  drivers  of  this  express  were  dubious  about 
taking  their  passengers,  because  they  would  not  disclose 
where  they  wished  to  go.  "Keep  dark!"  said  one. 
"Mum  is  the  word!"  said  the  other.  »  They  intend 
to  steal  sum  gal  on  the  road,"  whispered  one  sucker  to 
his  friend. 

"  Well,  they've  got  a  cussed  poor  taste,  fur  I'll  swar 
tnar  aint  anythin'  on  this  yeur  road  to  the  bluff'  wuth 
15 


114  TELEGRAPHING  AN  EXPRESS. 

shucks,  'cept  Nancy  Birch,  and  her  temper  would  tarn 
the  stomic  of  the  d — 1."  In  the  course  of  a  few  minuten 
one  express  passenger  remarked  to  his  companion, 
"  We'll  meet  the  stage  this  side  of  the  brick  house." 
"  Certain,"  was  his  friend's  reply.  "  It's  out  now," 
said  the  biggest  sucker,  "thar  goin'  to  rob  the  mail," 
'and  he  cast  a  fearful  glance  over  his  shoulder  to  see  if 
they  had  pistols  in  their  hands.  The  stage  was  now 
heard  lumbering  along,  and  in  a  few  minutes  they  met, 
when  out  dashed  the  expresses.  "  Stop!"  cried  one,  to 
the  driver — up  mounted  another  to  the  side  of  the  stage. 
"  I'm  d — d,  gentlemen,  ef  we  belong  to  that  arr  crowd!" 
screamed  the  sucker  driver,  "  I'll  jest  swar  on  a  stack  of 
bibles,  that  them  fellars  ony  hired  our  team." 

The  express  who  mounted  the  side  of  the  stage, 
thinking  he  might  obtain  a  copy  from  some  passenger, 
thrust  his  head  through  the  door,  and  finding  one 
"insider"  he  demanded: — 

"  Have  you  got  a  message  V 

"Dake  all  mit  you,  mine  Got!"  exclaimed  a  Ger- 
man passenger  in  answer,  "  but  dont  gill  de  fader 
of  dirteen  little  babys," — at  the  same  time  he  handed 
his  wallet  to  the  express  messenger. 

"  To  the  d — 1  with  your  old  leather,  give  me  a  mes- 
sage paper .'"  shouted  the  express. 

"May  I  go  to  der  duyvel,  if  ish  got  any  oder  baper 
but  Indiana  /"  exclaimed  the  Dutchman,  still  holding 
forth  his  wallet. 

The  driver  nowT  informed  them  that  he  had  the  mes- 
sage along,  but  "  he'd  jest  see  them  and  the  city  of  St. 
Louis  in  h — 1,  afore  they'd  git  him  two  steps  further 
than  the  law  per\ided  he  should  go,"  and  that  was  to 
the  Illinois  side  of  the  river.     He  said  this  so  bitter. 


TELEGRAPHING  AN  EXPRESS.  115 

that  the  chance  looked  hopeless  for  moving  him,  bu 
one  of  the  boys,  with  a  tongue  "  iley  as  a  sarpint,' 
quiet  as  a  mole,  and  civil  as  a  pill  pedlar,  climbed  up 
on  the  seat  beside  him,  and  placing  himself  in  a  good 
position,  he  commenced  whispering  close  to  the  ear  of 
the  driver,  and  Eve  never  yielded  as  easily  to  the  ser- 
pent's temptation,  as  the  mail  driver  now  began  to  melt 
under  the  soft  whisper  floating  around  him. 

"  You  said  it  would  be  hot!"  exclaimed  the  driver. 

"  I  did,"  replied  the  whisper,  «  and  lots  of  it,  besides 
a  dollar  under  the  pitcher  of  punch,  and  sundry  com- 
fortable fixens  around  it." 

"  Don't  say  any  more,"  said  the  driver,  "that's  jest 
the  kind  of  snap  I  want  to  git  into  to  night."  So,  put- 
ting up  his  horses  he  shouldered  the  mail  bags,  and 
across  to  St.  Louis  the  party  travelled. 

The  proprietors  of  the  anxious  city  journals,  alarmed 
at  the  delay  of  the  express,  resolved  to  despatch  tele- 
graphs in  search  of  them  ;  and,  having  charged  three 
with  the  electric  fluid,  off  they  started — and  Morse's 
invention  aint  a  beginning  to  the  way  the  St.  Louis 
specimens  travelled.  Across  the  ice — slap — dash—  up 
the  side  of  the  ferry  boat,  and  up  the  hill.  Here  were 
collected  about  fifty  Illinois  market  wagons,  and  a  cor- 
responding number  of  suckers.  A  group  of  these  latter 
were  gathered  around  a  large  fire,  discussing  the  proba- 
bility of  being  able  to  cross  the  ice  to  St.  Louis,  on  the 
succeeding  day.  A  telegraph  inquired  of  one  of  these, 
if  he  had  seen  anything  of  the  express.  »  No,  I  haint," 
says  he,  "  but  I  hev  got  first  rate  butter,  at  two  bitts  a 
pound!"  "Melt  your  butter!"  shouted  an  indignant 
telegraph.  "  Come  and  show  us  the  road  out  to  Pap's 
house,  captain,"  said  another.     The  marketeer  r.arted 


116  TELEGRAPHING  AN  EXPRESS. 

;i  few  rods  with  him,  and  then,  as  if  a  sudden  thought 
hit  him,  looked  at  the  telegraph  gent,  and,  pointing  his 
finger  at  him,  he  slowly  remarked — "  No  you  don't 
hoss  !  I  jest  see  right  through  you."  "  Why,  you  fool, 
don't  you  see  by  my  appearance  that  I  am  a  gentleman  ?" 
inquired  telegraph.  The  sucker  marketeer  drew  off  a 
few  paces,  to  be  ready  to  run,  and  then  shouted — "  Yes, 
I've  seen  jest  sich  gentleman  fellars  as  you  in  the  peni- 
tentiary!'''' and  off  he  dashed,  congratulating  himself  on 
his  escape  from  robbery. 

Away  went  the  telegraphs  again,  heading  for  Pap's 
house,  a  stopping  place  about  one  mile  from  the  ferry, 
and  while  one  led  the  way,  the  other  two,  wishing  to 
slip  him,  hid  on  the  road-side,  but  the  rival  telegraph 
seated  himself  in  the  road  to  wait  for  the  appearance  of 
his  company.  As  there  was  no  way,  in  the  clear  moon- 
light, to  get  round  him  unobserved,  they  came  out  and 
again  started,-  Now  for  it ! — best  man  at  Pap's  first ! 
Away  they  started,  "  lickety-click,"  and  arrived  at  the 
winning-post  within  touching  distance  of  each  other. 
After  rapping  up  the  bar-keeper  they  seated  themselves 
by  the  stove,  leisurely  warmed  up,  and  then  inquired 
how  soon  they  expected  the  stage  along.  "  It  passed 
here  with  the  message,  full  twenty  minutes  ago  /"  was 
the  answer. 

Clear  the  track ! — hey  ! — here  was  news.  Three  im- 
portant aids  of  two  printing  establishments,  two  miles 
from  their  offices,  and  the  message  there!  Now  com- 
menced a  stampede  unknown  to  Fashion — down  to  the 
river — on  to  the  ice  ; — pit — pat — pat — pit — slip — slide 
— bang! — and  down  he  goes  "up,  boys,  and  at  it 
again."  The  island  was  reached  in  safety.  Here  was 
a  dangerous  gap,  at  which  stood  a  foot  passenger  afraid 


THE  PRE-EMPTION  RIGHT.  117 

to  cross.  "Look  out,"  he  shouted,  "you'll  get  in 
there."  "  Get  thunder  I — get  out  of  the  road !"  shouted 
the  foremost — through  they  dashed — the  last  sticking 
his  leg  through  a  feet,  and  the  city  side  was  gained  like 
a  flash  of  lightning.  The  leading  telegraph  reached  the 
composing  room  of  an  enterprising  city  paper,  just  as 
the  foreman  was  shouting — proof! 


THE   PRE-EMPTION   RIGHT; 

OR,  DICK  KELSY'S  SIGNATURE  TO  HIS  LAND  CLAIM. 


Dick  Kelsy  was  one  of  the  earliest  settlers  in  the 
Upper  Missouri  country,  and  a  more  open-hearted  or 
careless  son  of  Kentucky,  never  squatted  in  the  "Far 
West."  He  had  wandered  from  his  parent  state  more 
for  a  change  of  location  than  any  desire  to  improve  his 
condition,  and  if  a  spot  offered  easy  hunting  facilities, 
it  mattered  not  what  contingencies  were  added,  Dick 
"sot  himself  down  thar."  Tall,  raw-boned,  good-na- 
tured and  fearless,  he  betrayed  no  ambition  to  excel, 
except  in  his  rifle,  and  the  settlers  generally  conceded 
that  his  "shooting-iron"  was  particularly  certain !  A 
spot  upon  one  of  the  tributaries  of  the  Missouri  won 
Dick's  heart  at  first  sight — it  bordered  upon  a  beautiful 
stream ; — had  a  far  spreading  prairie,  skirted  by  a  fine 
grove  of  timber,  for  a  landscape,  and  abounded  with  all 
sorts  of  game,  from  a  prairie  fowl  to  an  Indian.  Here 
Dick  built  his  cabin,  beneath  the  shadow  of  bis  own 
cotton  tree,  and  he  used  to  tell  his  neighbours  that  nature 
had,  after  practising  on  the  rest  of  creation,  spread  her 


118  THE  PRE-EMPTION  RIGH1. 

finishing  touches  on  his  claim.     Its  wild  beauty  de- 
served his  lavish  praise. 

In  this  western  habitation  our  hero  held  undisturbed 
sway,  his  only  companion  being  a  negro  slave,  who  wras 
at  once  his  master's  attendant  and  friend.  Kelsy  and 
the  negro  had  been  raised  together,  and  from  associa- 
tion, although  so  opposite  their  positions,  had  imbibed 
a  lasting  affection  for  each  other, — each  would  have 
freely  shed  blood  in  the  other's  defence.  The  bonds 
of  servitude  were,  consequently,  moulded  into  links  of 
friendship  and  affection,  securing  to  them  a  feeling  of 
confidence  in  their  lonely  habitation  in  the  wilderness. 
Their  nearest  neighbours  were  situated  at  a  small  trad- 
ing settlement,  some  ten  miles  distant,  where  Dick  al- 
ways repaired  to  exchange  his  furs  for  ammunition  and 
other  essentials.  Here  he  also  learned  the  news  from 
the  far-off  seat  of  government ;  but  the  busy  wTorld  be- 
yond little  interested  these  roving  sons  of  the  western 
forests, — a  brush  with  the  red  s/clns,  or  a  challenge 
shooting  match,  possessed  much  more  interest  for  them. 
At  length,  however,  these  western  pioneers  were  aroused 
from  their  quietude  and  inactivity  by  the  news  that 
Congress  had  passed  the  famous  Pre-emption  Law.  As 
yet  none  in  the  region  we  write  of  knew  its  provisions, 
or,  distinctly,  what  rights  it  conferred ;  each  squatter, 
therefore,  laid  out  the  bounds  of  his  claim  in  accordance 
with  his  own  desire,  and  stood  ready  to  defend  the  title 
against  all  encroachments.  The  fever  of  emigration 
became  an  epidemic,  and  soon  that  speculating  mania, 
which,  in  imagination,  built  fortunes  in  a  day,  spread 
even  to  the  confines  of  civilization.  The  axe  of  the 
pioneer  soon  began  to  startle  the  wild  denizens  of  the 


THE  PRE-EMPTION  RIGHT.  119 

forest,  where  for  ages  the  hunter  alone  had  disturbed 
their  repose. 

One  bright  morning  a  ripple  of  the  advancing  tide,  in 
the  persons  of  two  strangers,  was  discovered  by  Dick 
about  a  quarter  of  a  mile  from  his  cabin,  where,  appa- 
rently, they  had  rested  for  the  night.  The  first  was  a 
man  about  middle  stature,  of  a  dark  swarthy  complexion, 
with  an  uneasy  eye,  prominent  teeth,  and  clad  in  a  di- 
lapidated suit  of  Kentucky  jean  ; — an  old  chip  hat  sur- 
mounted his  figure,  and  in  his  right  hand  he  held  the 
sceptre  of  the  pioneer — a  rifle!  His  companion  was  a 
pale,  sickly-looking  little  woman,  clad  in  a  coarse  lin- 
sey-woolsey gown,  and  in  her  hand  she  held  a  faded 
calico  sun-bonnet ;  close  by  stood  a  small  wagon,  with 
a  quilt  cover,  to  which  was  harnessed  a  horse,  bearing 
evident  marks  of  long  travel  and  hard  fare. 

"  How  are  you,  strangers  ?"  was  Dick's  first  query. 
"  Judgin'  from  appearances,  you're  lookin'  out  a  loca- 
tion." 

"  Yes,"  replied  the  man,  in  a  surly  tone,  "  I've  been 
lookin'  all  along,  but  I  aint  found  any  yet  fit  fur  a  white 
man." 

"  Well,  you've  jest  got  to  the  spot  now,"  says  Dick. 
"  Creation  aint  laid  out  any  place  prettier,  and  arter 
takin'  a  view  of  it,  you'll  say  so.  You  and  the  missus 
better  go  up  to  my  cabin  and  rest  till  you  can  take  a 
good  look  at  its  best  pints,  and  I  predicate  you'll  come 
to  a  conclusion." 

"  Well,  guess  I'll  stay  a  spell,"  was  the  stranger's 
response,  and  following  Dick,  he  was  introduced  be- 
neath the  Kentuckian's  hospitable  roof,  after  which  Dick 
started  to  the  settlement  for  some  notions  with  which  to 
entertain  them  more  comfortably.     On  his  arrival  th<» 


120  THE  PRE-EMPTION  RIGHT. 

whole  conversation  at  the  settlement  was  the  pre-emption 
act,  and  during  the  debate  on  its  merits,  he  mentioned 
the  "  new  arrival"  in  his  neighbourhood,  of  the  stran- 
gers. They  had  passed  through  the  settlement,  and  as 
all  new  comers  are  a  subject  of  interest,  various  opinions 
were  expressed  in  regard  to  these. 

"  Judgin'  from  that  stranger's  frontispiece,"  said  one, 
"  I  shouldn't  like  him  fur  a  near  neighbour?" 

"He's  rayther  a  sour  lookin'  customer,"  added  an- 
other; "  and  how  dreadful  poorly  his  wife  looks." 

"  I've  invited  him  to  locate  near  me,"  remarked  Kelsy, 
"  and  I  can't  say  he's  got  a  very  pleasin'  look ;  but  the 
rough  shell  may  have  a  good  kernel,  boys." 

After  providing  necessaries,  Dick  gave  the  settlers  an 
invitation  to  come  up  and  help  the  stranger  to  raise  a 
cabin.  All  agreed  to  be  thar  on  the  next  Saturday,  and 
homeward  he  started.  On  his  arrival,  Sam  was  cook- 
ing the  evening  meal  of  wild  game  and  corn  bread,  all 
the  time  expatiating  to  the  guests  what  a  good  man 
«  Massa  Dick"  was,  and  particularly  impressing  upon 
their  minds  that  he,  (Sam,)  was  "  Massa  Dick's  'stror- 
dinary  niggah !"  Sam's  efforts  at  amusement  failed 
upon  the  strangers,  for  one  was  quietly  weeping,  while 
the  other  wore  a  scowl  of  anger.  Dick  noticed  their 
looks  on  entering,  and  endeavoured  to  cheer  them — 

"  Don't  look  down  hearted,  strangers,"  said  he, 
<■'  you  aint  among  Ingins  ef  you  are  near  'em — thar  aint 
a  spot  in  the  universal  yearth  calkilated  to  make  you 
feel  better  than  whar  you  are  now.  Sam  and  me  never 
felt  bad  sence  we  located  here, — only  when  the  Ingins 
penned  us  in  the  cabin  fur  three  days,  while  all  our  bar 
meat  was  hangin'  on  the  outside." 

"  It's  this  cussed  woman,"  answered  the  stranger, 


THE  PRE-EMPTION  RIGHT.  121 

"  that  makes  me  feel  bad — she's  etarnally  whimperin' 
about  bein'  so  fur  from  home — I  wish  she  was  in  h-11!" 

"  Stop  that,  stranger,"  said  Dick,  in  a  determined 
tone;  "the  love  I  have  for  an  old  Kentucky  mother 
won't  permit  me  to  see  or  hear  one  of  her  sex  abused 
beneath  my  cabin  roof,  ef  it  is  in  the  wilderness, — I 
don't  like  red  skins,  none  of  'em,  but  even  a  squaw 
couldn't  be  abused  here  !" 

"Well,  I'm  done,"  was  the  reply.  "  I'll  git  a  cabin 
of  my  own,  and  then  I  guess  I'll  do  as  I  please." 

"  No  you  won't,"  said  Dick ;  "  ef  you  stay  in  these 
diggins  and  abuse  her,  you're  in  a  hotter  place  than 
whar  you  jest  now  wished  her." 

It  may  be  supposed  that  the  host  and  his  guest  retired, 
the  first  night  of  their  meeting:,  with  no  favourable  im- 
pression  of  each  other ;  and  while  Sam  and  his  master 
were  making  all  right  for  the  night,  the  former  ventured 
to  remark — 

"  Dar  aint  much  good  in  dat  white  man,  Massa 
Dick." 

"  Not  a  heap,  Sam,"  was  his  master's  reply;  "  but  he 
shan't  pisin  us  long  with  his  company  ;"  and  with  this 
comfortable  resolve  they  turned  in  for  the  night. 

At  daylight  Dick  started  out  with  his  rifle  on  his  arm, 
to  observe  the  foot-prints  around  his  dwelling,  and  note 
whether  they  were  biped  or  quadruped,  the  close  prox- 
imity of  the  Indian  tribes  and  their  frequent  thefts, 
making  caution  and  care  necessary  to  preserve,  not  only 
property,  but  life.  As  he  was  returning  to  his  cabin  a 
scream  startled  him  from  his  careless  gait — it  was  a  new 
sound  in  that  wilderness;  and  many  a  day  had  passed 
since  Dick  heard  anything  akin  to  it.  He  started  for- 
ward writh  a  bound,   convulsively  clutching  his  rifle, 


122  THE  PRE-EMPTION  RIGHT. 

while  his  blood  urged  into  rapid  action  by  the  move- 
ment, was  again  forced  back  to  his  heart,  chilled  by 
another  fearful  scream  of  a  woman  in  distress.  In  a 
moment  he  emerged  from  the  strip  of  woods,  within 
view  of  his  cabin,  and  there  beheld  the  stranger  with 
his  arm  raised  to  strike ;  fronting  him  stood  Sam,  pois- 
ing a  large  hunting  knife  in  defence,  while  upon  the 
other  arm  of  the  muscular  negro,  hung  the  trembling 
form  of  the  stranger's  sickly  wife.  A  few  moments  and 
Dick  was  beside  the  combatants,  inquiring  the  cause  of 
their  hostile  attitude.  When  Sam  informed  him  that 
the  stranger  had  twice,  with  his  fist,  felled  the  woman 
to  the  earth,  his  rifle  raised  instinctively  to  his  shoulder, 
as  if  justice  demanded  instant  and  dreadful  punishment 
for  such  a  dastard  act.  Dick  slowly  remarked,  as  he 
directed  his  aim — 

"  I'll  sarve  you  out,  you  infernal  savage!" 

The  stricken  wife  observing  the  action,  threw  herself 
before  the  wreapon,  imploring  the  enraged  host  to  spare 
her  husband's  life. 

"  Well,  woman  is  woman,"  soliloquised  Dick ;  "  for 
they'll  stick  to  the  devil,  ef  they  ever  take  a  notion  to 
him.  If  you  have  the  least  hankerin'  arter  the  mean 
varmint,  in  course  I'll  let  him  slide ;  but  he  must  clar 
out  of  my  diggins — I  can't  be  near  whar  anythin'  of  his 
breed  grows, — so  arter  breakfast  we'll  separate." 

When  the  morning  meal  was  ended,  the  stranger  drew 
up  his  wagon,  thrust  his  companion  into  it,  and  sullenly 
departed,  muttering  a  threatening  farewell. 

"  God  help  that  poor  creatur,"  said  Dick,  as  his  late 
guests  disappeared  from  view,  "she's got  a  hard  row  to 
hoe,  and  as  for  that  sarpent  with  her,  he'd  better  keep 
out  of  my  tracks.     I  should  be  mightily  tempted  to  sarch 


"  I'll  sarve  you  out,  you  infernal  savage!" — Page  122. 


THE  PRE-EMPTION  RIGHT.  123 

his  carcass  to  see  ef  he  had  a  heart  in  it.  Sam,"  con- 
tinued he,  »  you're  a  nigger,  but  thar's  more  real  white 
man  under  your  black  skin  than  could  be  found  in  an 
acre  of  such  varmints  as  that  sucker.  Give  me  your 
fist,  old  fellar ;  while  Dick  Kelsy's  got  anythin'  in  this 
world,  you  shall  share  it !" 

While  this  bond  of  closer  friendship  was  being 
formed  between  master  and  slave,  malice  was  holding 
her  revel  in  the  heart  of  their  late  guest.  He  had  ob- 
served Dick's  love  for  the  spot  where  he  had  squatted, 
and  judging  rightly  that  he  had  neglected  to  file  his 
claim  to  it  in  the  Land  Office,  he  stopped  a  short  dis- 
tance below  him,  intending  to  remain,  and,  if  possible 
gain  possession  of  it.  Kelsy  had  his  dislike  for  the 
stranger  increased  by  finding  him  remain  on  his  section, 
and  he  ordered  him  to  leave  forthwith.  The  stranger 
gave  as  an  excuse,  that  his  wife  was  so  sick  that  she 
couldn't  travel,  and  ended  with  a  request  that  he  would 
let  him  erect  a  hut  to  shelter  her,  while  he  went  in 
search  of  a  permanent  location.  In  pity  for  her,  Dick 
consented,  and  the  stranger  proceeded  to  prepare  timber 
for  a  small  cabin.  The  following  Saturday  the  neigh- 
bors gathered,  and  by  nightfall  placed  a  roof  over  their 
heads,  kindly  supplied  them  with  some  necessaries,  and 
left,  each  more  confirmed  in  his  dislike  for  the  stranger. 
The  next  morning  he  started  off,  as  many  supposed, 
never  to  return  ;  the  natural  kindness  of  the  settlers  was 
immediately  manifested  towards  his  wife,  and  nothing 
that  would  conduce  to  her  comfort,  was  lacking  in  the 
cabin  of  this  heart-broken  woman. 

After  the  lapse  of  several  days,  contrary  to  all  expec- 
tation, the  stranger  returned,  and  a  visible  change  was 
manifested  in  his  manner — his  surliness  assumed  a  more 


124  THE  PRE-EMPTION  RIGHT. 

impudent  and  offensive  character,  and  on  receiving  a 
further  intimation  that  it  was  time  he  was  moving,  he 
insolently  told  Dick  to  "  clear  out,"  himself,  for  that 
he,  (the  stranger,)  was  the  rightful  owner  of  the  claim. 
Dick  laughed  at  him,  and  told  him  to  be  off  quietly, 
that  his  carcass  was  safe  while  that  woman  clung  to 
him. 

Kelsy  was  laughing  next  day,  down  at  the  settlement, 
as  he  related  the  stranger's  words,  and  described  his 
insolent  bearing ;  but  his  smile  of  scorn  was  turned  to 
a  frown  of  wrath,  when  the  Land  Agent,  who  happened 
to  hear  him,  informed  the  unsuspecting  squatter,  that 
the  stranger  had,  indeed,  entered  the  claim  his  cabin 
was  upon.  Dick,  on  hearing  this  news,  shivered  the 
bottle  in  his  hand  to  atoms,  and  drawing  his  breath 
through  his  teeth  until  it  fairly  whistled,  he  remarked — 

"  That  stranger  may  have  some  of  my  claim,  but  his 
share  shall  be  my  signature  to  the  title." 

The  sun  was  fast  sinking  when  Dick  started  home, 
rather  limber  from  the  effects  of  wrath  and  liquor. 
Having  resigned  himself  to  the  care  of  his  horse,  he 
swung  from  side  to  side,  in  a  state  of  dozing  uncon- 
sciousness. When  he  neared  his  cabin,  it  had  become 
pitch  dark,  to  which,  if  possible,  the  woods  bordering 
his  claim,  added  a  gloomier  shade.  The  instant  his 
horse  entered  beneath  the  foliage,  a  sharp  pain  shot 
through  the  side  of  the  rider,  so  acute  as  to  wake  his 
powers  suddenly  into  full  consciousness.  The  spring 
he  made  in  the  saddle  startled  his  horse  forward  into  a 
rapid  gait,  and  in  an  instant  more,  a  sickly  sensation 
robbed  him  of  all  consciousness.  When  he  opened  his 
eyes  with  returning  animation,  his  look  fell  upon  his 


THE  PRE-EMPTION  RIGHT.  125 

faithful  slave,  who  was  bending,  with  an  anxious  coun- 
tenance, over  the  rude  couch  of  his  master. 

"  Bress  God !  Massa  Dick,  }'ou  knows  Sam,  your  die 
nigga — I  sees  you  does — dars  life  in  you  yet,  massa, — 
dar  is,  but  dis  poor  nigga  had  amost  gib  you  up,  for 
sartain !" 

An  unseen  hand  had,  in  the  darkness,  plunged  a  knife 
into  Dick's  body,  as  he  entered  the  wood  ;  he  had  clung 
to  his  horse's  mane,  until  the  animal  stopped  at  his 
cabin  door,  where  Sam,  waiting  for  his  master,  had 
caught  his  bleeding  and  unconscious  body  in  his  arms 
as  it  fell  reeling  from  the  saddle.  The  faithful  negro 
had  staunched  the  blood,  and  applied  every  restorative 
his  rude  knowledge  could  devise ;  but  it  was  long  ere 
the  eyes  he  so  loved  opened  to  the  recollection  of  past 
events  and  present  injury. 

"  That  was  a  foul  dig  in  the  ribs,  Sam,"  murmured 
his  exhausted  master;  "but  ef  I  don't  trail  up  the  sar- 
pint  and  pull  his  sting  out,  it'll  be  because  I  and  that 
ar  old  rifle  of  mine  has  to  part  company !" 

The  natural  strength  of  the  patient,  together  with 
Sam's  careful  nursing,  soon  restored  him  to  his  legs, 
and  a  few  days'  gentle  exercise  imparted  strength  enough 
to  his  frame  to  support  the  weight  of  his  rifle.  A  fixed 
resolve  to  trace  the  assassin  added  a  severe  cast  to 
Dick's  pale  features — Sam,  as  he  observed  him,  quietly 
shook  his  head,  with  the  remark — 

"  Ah,  all !  Massa  Dick's  soon  goin'  Ingin  huntin' — 
sure  /" 

One  morning,  early,  Kelsy  ordered  Sam  to  saddle  his 
horse,  and  proceeded  himself  to  clean  his  rifle ;  with 
more  than  usual  care  he  adjusted  each  particular  of  his 
accoutrements,  and  started  off  to  the  settlement,  taking 


126  THE  PRE-EMPTION  RIGHT. 

the  road  leading  by  his  neighbor's  cabin.  On  his 
arrival,  he  gathered  a  few  of  his  cronies  together,  who 
all  knew  of  the  dastardly  attempt  on  his  life,  and  im- 
parted to  them  a  scheme  he  had  been  maturing,  for 
discovering  if  the  stranger  was  the  "  stabber  in  the 
dark," — which  few  seemed  to  doubt,  but  of  which  he 
wished  to  be  certain. 

As  the  sun  inclined  to  the  west,  Kelsy  made  prepa- 
ration for  return,  and  changing  his  dress  for  a  suit  be- 
longing to  one  of  his  friends,  he  stuffed  his  own  with 
straw,  surmounted  the  figure  with  his  fur  cap,  and 
mounted  it  upon  his  horse  before  him,  where  it  was 
secured  to  the  saddle ;  four  of  his  friends  accompanied 
him,  and  thus  prepared,  they  bent  their  course  towards 
Dick's  cabin.  Night  set  in  while  they  were  on  their 
march,  and  soon  the  moon  rose,  casting  her  soft  light 
over  a  prairie  landscape,  as  beautiful  as  ever  the  eye  of 
man  rested  upon.  It  was  a  western  scene  of  wild  and 
picturesque  loveliness,  grand  in  its  vastness  of  extent, 
and  rich  in  its  yet  hidden  resources.  Its  lonely  quietude 
was  calculated  to  subdue  the  wild  passions  which  throb- 
bed in  the  hearts  of  those  who  now  broke  its  stillness  ; 
but  a  glance  at  the  firm  features  of  the  party,  proved 
that  its  beauty  was  unheeded  by  them  as  they  swept 
onward  to  the  dread  business  of  their  march.  When 
within  a  mile  of  Dick's  habitation,  they  halted  in  a  se- 
cluded hollow,  where  they  resigned  their  horses  to  the 
care  of  one  of  the  party,  with  instructions  to  turn  Kel- 
sey's  horse  loose  about  the  time  he  supposed  they,  by 
a  circuitous  route,  on  foot,  had  reached  the  woods,  and 
when  he  heard  a  shot,  to  follow  with  their  other  horses. 
Dick  and  his  companions  stole  unperceived  beneath  the 
shadow  of  the  wood,  and  cautiously  approached  the 


THE  PRE-EMPTION  RIGHT.  127 

trail  leading  to  his  cabin  ;  ere  they  had  reached  the  spot, 
however,  one  of  the  party  descried  the  horse  leisurely 
wending  his  way  across  a  strip  of  prairie,  the  figure 
seated  upon  his  back  swaying  from  side  to  side,  so  like 
his  owner  when  "  half  sprung,"  that  they  could  with 
difficulty  suppress  a  laugh.  The  sound  of  the  horse's 
hoofs  brought  from  concealment  another  figure,  whose 
form  was  indistinctly  visible,  emerging  from  behind  a 
thick  covert ;  and  the  excitement  of  the  moment,  at  thus 
having  securely  trapped  the  offender,  had  almost  disco- 
vered them — their  game,  however,  was  too  intent  on 
his  purpose,  or  he  would  have  heard  the  slight  excla- 
mation which  burst  from  the  lips  of  one  of  the  party. 
Moving  stealthily  to  a  good  position  he  awaited  horse 
and  rider,  and  taking  deliberate  aim,  fired.  No  move- 
ment of  the  figure  indicated  a  hit,  and  the  party  could 
hear  his  exclamation  of  disappointment.  The  horse 
sauntered  along  undisturbed  by  the  report,  perceiving 
which,  the  assassin  hastily  reloaded,  while  Dick  and  his 
friends  crept  up  unperceived  almost  to  his  side.  Rais- 
ing his  rifle  again,  he  steadily  poised  his  aim,  and  pulled 
the  trigger — erect  the  figure  held  its  place,  and  resting 
his  rifle  upon  the  ground,  he  exclaimed — 
"  I've  hit  him,  or  he's  the  devil  himself!" 
" 1  guess  its  the  old  gentleman  come  for  you, 
stranger,"  said  Dick,  as  he  snatched  the  rifle  from  his 
hand,  and  the  whole  party  closed  in  a  circle  round  him. 
The  detected  squatter  looked  paralyzed — his  tongue 
refused  its  office,  while  his  form,  quivering  with  appre- 
hension, could  scarcely  keep  erect,  and  his  usually  cold, 
uneasy  eyes  seemed  fixed  balls  of  light,  so  dreadful 
were  they  in  their  expression  of  coward  fear.  The 
party  proposed  to  settle  his  business  at  once,  and  this 


L28  THE  PRE-EMPTION  RIGHT. 

movement  loosened  his  tongue — he  broke  forth  in  piteous 
accents  of  supplication — 

"Oh,  God!  oh,  God!"  cried  he,  "you  won't  kill 
me — will  you?" 

"  Well,"  said  one  of  the  party,  "  we  won't  do  any- 
thing else  !  ' 

Kelsy  interposed,  and  suggested  that  his  death  be 
deferred  until  daylight,  in  order  that  the  stranger  might 
see  how  it  was  done,  and  be  put  to  sleep  respectably. 
They  immediately  adjourned  to  Dick's  cabin,  where 
they  found  Sam  holding  the  straw  figure  in  his  arms,  and 
looking  in  a  state  of  stupor  at  the  horse ;  he  thought  his 
master  was  "done  for;"  but  great  was  his  joy  when 
the  well-known  sounds  of  Kelsy's  voice  assured  him  of 
his  safety. 

The  party  seated  themselves  in  a  circle  in  the  cabin, 
with  the  culprit  in  the  centre,  and  his  shrinking  form, 
trembling  with  fear,  and  pallid,  imploring  countenance, 
looked  most  pitiful.  As  Kelsy  gazed  upon  him  the 
form  of  his  sickly  wife  seemed  to  twine  her  arms  around 
his  neck,  beseeching  as  when  she  before  interposed  her- 
self between  him  and  death,  and  the  vision  of  his  mind 
searched  out  a  tender  spot  in  Dick's  heart.  He  resolved 
to  give  him  a  chance  of  escape,  and,  therefore,  proposed 
to  the  party  that  they  should  decide  by  a  game  of  cards, 
whether  the  stranger  should  die  or  be  permitted  to  leave 
the  country.  Dick's  friends  protested  against  such 
mercy;  but  after  an  earnest  appeal  from  him,  in  behalf 
of  the  woman,  they  yielded — cards  were  produced,  and 
one  of  the  party  selected  to  play  against  the  culprit. 
By  Kelsy's  entreaty,  also,  he  was  allowed  the  choice  of 
his  own  game,  and  he  selected  euchre.  All  seated 
themselves  closer  around  the  players — breathing  seemed 


THE  PRE-EMPTION  RIGHT.  129 

almost  suspended — a  beam  of  hope  lent  a  slight  glow 
to  the  pallid  countenance  of  the  stranger,  while  the  com- 
pressed lips  and  frowning  brow  of  his  antagonist,  gave 
assurance  that  no  mercy  would  temper  his  play  for  this 
fearful  stake.  The  rest  of  the  party  shared  his  dislike 
for  the  culprit,  who  was  looked  upon  as  a  common  foe, 
and  their  flashing  eyes  were  bent  upon  his  swarthy 
countenance  with  an  expression  of  deadly  hate,  which 
forced  out  the  cold  drops  of  perspiration  upon  his  sickly 
brow,  and  sunk  his  heart  with  fear.  The  cards  were 
cut,  and  the  stranger  won  the  deal — he  breathed  with 
hope — he  dealt  and  turned  up  the  right  bower — his 
antagonist  passed,  and  the  stranger  raising  the  bower, 
bid  him  play.  The  hand  was  soon  finished  and  the 
stranger  counted  two!  His  visage  lighted  up,  and  he 
wiped  his  brow  with  a  feeling  of  confidence  in  his  luck 
The  next  hand  the  stranger  ordered  the  card  up  and 
was  euchered — they  now  stood  even,  and  he  again  looked 
anxious.  In  the  next  two  hands  they  successively  won, 
each  a  single  count,  and  it  was  the  stranger's  deal  again 
— he  turned  up  a  Icing,  and  held  in  his  hand  the  queen 
and  ten  of  trumps,  together  with  the  eight  of  diamonds 
and  the  king  and  ten  of  clubs.  His  antagonist  ordered 
the  king  up,  and  as  the  stranger  discarded  his  diamond, 
a  gleam  of  certain  success  overspread  his  visage — the 
rigid  face  of  his  antagonist  betrayed  no  sign  of  exulta- 
tion, but  his  brow,  on  the  contrary,  became  closer  knit 
into  a  scow],  which,  by  his  party,  was  looked  upon  as 
a  presage  of  defeat.  Dick's  friend  led  the  jack  of  clubs 
— the  stranger  followed  suit  with  his  ten  of  clubs — then 
came  the  ace  of  trumps — the  stranger  paused  a  moment, 
and  played  his  ten  spot — out  came  the  right  bower,  and 
he  yielded  his  queen — the  left  fell  before  his  eyes,  and 
17 


130  THE  PRE-EMPTION  RIGHT. 

his  last  trump,  the  Icing,  was  swept  away!  At  each 
play  his  countenance  grew  more  and  more  ashy  in  its 
expression  of  despair  and  dread ;  his  lips  had  lost  their 
color,  and  his  eyes  had  gained  an  intenseness  of  ex- 
pression that  seemed  as  if  they  could  look  into  the  very 
soul  of  the  frowning  figure  before  him,  and  read  there 
his  impending  doom.  For  the  first  time  a  slight  smile 
played  upon  the  features  of  Dick's  friend  as  slowly  he 
spread  before  him  the  ace  of  clubs!  The  stranger 
crushed  his  Icing  within  his  trembling  hands  and  threw 
it  from  him,  as  he  sunk  into  a  state  of  stupor,  the  very 
counterpart  of  death. 

"Your  game's  up,  stranger,"  coolly  remarked  the 
winner;  "yes,  it's  up — played  very  neat — but  it's  up  ! 
And  you've  jest  won  a  small  patch  of  Kelsy's  claim — 
about  six  foot  by  two,  or  thereabouts." 

The  sun  had  begun  to  tip  the  tops  of  the  forest  trees, 
when  this  exciting  contest  was  ended,  and  all  the  party 
adjourned  to  the  outside,  with  the  doomed  stranger  in 
their  midst.  They  moved  with  silence,  for  a  deed  of 
blood  was  to  be  enacted.  The  law  of  the  wilderness 
was  about  to  offer  up  a  victim  for  common  safety — the 
midnight  assassin  to  expiate  his  guilt  upon  the  spot,  and 
by  the  hand  of  him  whom  he  had  there  endeavored  to 
consign  to  death. — The  music  of  the  morning  songsters 
met  no  harmonious  accord  in  the  hearts  of  those  who 
now  strode  amid  their  melodies — the  sweet  morning  air 
kissed  brows  fevered  with  passion,  and  the  light  breeze 
that  played  amid  the  forest  grove  and  skipped  innocently 
across  the  far  spread  prairie,  was  about  to  bear  upon  its 
pinions  the  shriek  of  agony.  Having  arrived  at  a  suitable 
spot,  they  bound  the  culprit  to  a  sapling,  and  he  hung 
in  his  bonds  already,  apparently,  bereft  of  life. 


THE  PRE-EMPTION  RIGHT.  131 

"  Stick  him  up  at  a  hundred  yards,  boys,"  said  Dick; 
"  ef  he  is  a  snake,  give  him  a  <■  small  show'  for  life,  and 
ef  I  miss  him  at  the  first  fire  we'll  let  him  slip.'''' 

The  culprit  aroused  on  hearing  this,  and  plead  for 
the  smallest  chance  in  the  world. 

"  Don't  shoot  me  like  a.  mad  dog  V  he  exclaimed,  in 
most  piteous  accents. 

"  You're  worse,  you  hound,"  said  his  late  antagonist; 
"  and  if  Dick  don't  wind  up  your  business  for  you,  / 
will." 

"  Come,  boys,"  continued  Dick,  "you  all  know  that 
this  old  iron's  certain,  so  give  the  varmint  this  chance — 
it'll  please  him,  and  he'll  die  off  all  the  easier!" 

After  some  persuasion,  Dick's  request  was  acceded 
to,  and  the  parties  took  their  positions.  Life  hung,  for 
the  culprit,  by  but  a  thread,  and  that  thread  the  will 
of  Kelsy.  Slowly  the  latter  raised  his  rifle,  while  the 
party,  breathless,  intently  fixed  their  eyes  upon  the 
victim.  Dick's  hand  began  to  tremble,  and  his  aim 
became  unsteady,  for  the  sickly  form  of  the  stranger's 
wife  again  seemed  to  rise  and  plead  for  mercy — he 
rested  his  rifle  on  the  ground,  without  the  heart  to  fire; 
but,  in  an  instant  the  vision  fled,  and  his  eye  fell  clear 
upon  the  countenance  of  the  stranger;  a  morning  ray 
lighting  up  his  features,  exhibited  a  gleam  of  mingled 
triumph,  hatred,  hope,  and  revenge — there  was  no  mis- 
taking its  dark  expression  of  contending  passions.  The 
pity  that  had  almost  unnerved  Kelsy  and  saved  his  foe, 
vanished,  and  raising  his  rifle  sudden  as  thought,  the 
weapon  rung  out  the  stranger's  knell.  As  the  ball  from 
its  muzzle  sped  through  his  brain,  a  wild  shriek  arose 
upon  the  air,  and  all  was  again  still — they  loosened  his 
bonds,  and  he  fell  forward,  dead! 


132  YALLER  PLEDGES. 

His  remains  were  consigned  to  the  earth  without  a 
tear,  even  from  his  companion,  to  whom  the  tragedy 
had  been  imparted.  His  cruelties  had  long  since  ob- 
literated from  her  heart  the  last  spark  of  early  fondness ; 
all  she  requested,  when  the  grave  had  closed  over  him, 
was  to  be  sent  to  her  friends  in  Ohio,  which  was  kindly 
done  by  the  settlers — Dick  bestowing  upon  her  his  whole 
stock  of  fine  furs  to  defray  her  expenses. 

Kelsy  set  himself  down  in  undisturbed  possession  of 
his  claim,  and  Sam,  his  faithful  slave,  often  points  to 
the  small  green  mound  at  the  edge  of  the  grove,  with 
the  remark — 

"Dat's  Massa  Dick's  signature  to  dis  land  claim — 
dot  it!" 


YALLER  PLEDGES; 

OR,  THE  FIGHT  ABOUT  SALLY  SPILLMAN. 

"It  aint  natral  fur  a  fellar  to  tell  of  his  gittin'  licked, 
but  I  must  tell  you  about  that  thar  fight  between  me  and 
Jess  Stout — it  war  a  screamer,  by  thunder !  and  ef  I  did 
gin  in,  it  warn't  in  the  course  of  human  natur'  to  do 
any  how  else.  That  gal  spontenaceously  hankered  arter 
Jess,  and  besides,  he'd  piled  up  the  affection  in  her,  by 
an  amazin'  long  spell  of  courtin'.  I  did  kinder  edge 
into  her  likin',  and  gin  to  speckelate  big  on  throwin' 
Jess,  but  that  fight  knocked  my  calculations  all  to  frit- 
ters. I'm  some  in  a  bar  fight,  and  considerable  among 
pantertj  but  I  warn't  no  whar  in  that  fight  with  Jess. 
In  course,  I'll  tell  you,  boys,  so  sot  yourselves  round, 
and  pass  along  that  corn  juice. 


YALLER  PLEDGES.  133 

«  You  see,  every  time  I  come  up  from  Lusiane,  I 
found  Jess  hangin'  round  that  gal,  Sally  Spillman, 
lookin'  orful  sweet,  and  a  fellar  couldn't  go  near  her 
without  risin'  his  dander — he  was  jealous  as  a  hen  with 
young  chickens.  I  sot  my  eyes  on  her,  to  find  out  what 
Jess  saw  in  her  so  amazin'  inticin',  and  I  swar  ef  a 
close  examination  didn't  make  me  yearn  arter  her  like 
a  weaned  yearling.  She  was  all  sorts  of  a  gal — thar 
warn't  a  sprinklin'  too  much  of  her — she  stuck  out  all 
over  jest  far  enough  without  cushinin' — had  an  eye  that 
would  make  a  fellar's  heart  try  to  get  out  of  his  bosom, 
and  then  sich  har  ; — her  step  was  as  light  as  a  panter's, 
and  her  breath  sweet  as  a  prairie  flower.  In  my  opi- 
nion, the  mother  of  all  human  natur'  warn't  an  atom 
slicker  model;  she  desarved  the  pick  of  a  whole  crea- 
tion, and  I  jest  felt  that  I  was  made  a  purpose  for  her ! 

"  At  all  the  frolicks  round  the  country,  down  in  the 
Missouri  bottom,  or  up  the  Osage,  Jess  was  hangin' 
arter  that  gal,  lookin'  honey  at  her,  and  pizin  at  the  fel- 
lars  who  spoke  pleasin'  to  her.  I  thort  I'd  try  my  hand 
at  makin'  him  oneasy,  so  one  night,  at  a  frolick,  I  sidled 
up  to  her  and  axed  how  she  wur,  and  ef  that  ailin'  nig- 
ger of  her  daddy's  wur  improvin',  what  'ud  be  the  pro- 
bable amount  of  the  old  man's  tobaccer  crop  this  season, 
and  some  other  interestin'  matters  of  talk.  She  said 
that  she  was  thrivin',  as  usual,  the  nigger  wur  comin' 
on  as  well  as  could  be  expected,  and  the  old  man's  crop 
promised  to  be  purty  considerable.  Nothin'  could  be 
more  satisfying  so  I  kept  on  a  talkin',  and  she  got  a 
laffin',  and  Jess  begun  a  scowlin'.  I  seed  he  warn't 
pleased,  but  I  didn't  estimate  him  very  tall,  so  I  kept 
on,  got  a  dancin'  with  Sally,  and  ended  by  kissin'  her 


134  YALLER  PLEDGES. 

good  by,  that  night,  and  makin'  Jess  jealous  as  a  pet 
pinter ! 

"  I  wur  agoin  to  start  to  Lusiane  next  day,  with  a  flat 
load  of  tobaccer  and  other  groceries,  and  afore  I  went, 
I  thort  I'd  send  a  present  of  my  pet  l  bar  cub'  over  to 
Sally,  jest  to  have  a  sorter  hitch  on  her  till  I'd  git  back  ; 
so  I  gits  ray  nigger  Jim  and  gins  him  the  followin'  note, 
with  the  bar  cub,  and  special  directions  that  he  wur  to 
give  'em  both  to  Sally,  herself: 

"  'Panter  Crik,  near  Bar  Diggins, 

Juin  twenty  4. 
"  c  To  the  captivatin'  Miss  Sally  Spillman  : 

"  'Your  tender  adorer,  Sam  Crowder,  sends  you  the  followin' 
fast  trofy  of  a  hunt  on  the  Osage ;  the  condition  of  this  bar  are 
somethin'  like  him,  the  bar  are  all  fat,  he  are  all  tenderness ! 
Hopin'  that  you  will  gin  up  a  small  corner  of  your  heart  to  the 
writer,  while  he  is  among  the  furriners  of  Lusiane,  he  will  ever 
remember  you,  and  be  sure  not  to  furgit  to  bring  a  pledge  of 
affection  from  the  sunny  south,  to  bind  our  openin'  loves. 

"  'Yours,  with  stream,  or  agin  it, 
" '  Sam'  Crowder. 

"  I  studdyed  that  out  with  considerable  difficulty,  and 
writ  it  with  more,  and  '  stick  me  on  a  sand-bar'  ef  that 
Jess  didn't  way-lay  Jim  and  read  the  note !  Maybe  it 
didn't  stir  up  the  alluvial  bottom  of  his  love  fur  Sally — 
the  varmint's  countenance  looked  as  riled  as  the  old 
Missouri  in  a  June  rise. 

»  Off  I  started  next  day,  with  my  flat,  for  the  impo- 
rium  of  the  south,  and  as  I  war  floating  along,  I  couldn't 
help  turnin'  over  in  my  mind  what  a  scrougin  smart 
family  the  Crowders  would  be,  when  Sally  and  I  agreed 
upon  annexation.  I  jest  thort  I  could  see  '  young  Sam,' 
the  fust  boy,  standin'  on  the  other  eend  of  the  flat,  strong 


'FflJi-LEB  PLEDGES.  135 

as  a  bar — eye  like  an  Ingin — spry  as  a  catamount — fair 
as  Sally  and  keen  as  his  daddy — I  swar,  I  yelled  rite 
out,  thinkin'  on  it. 

"  While  I  was  in  this  way  rollin'  in  clover,  by  pic- 
turin'  wThat  was  to  be,  they  wTur  tarin'  my  character  all 
to  cldtlins  up  at  home.  My  perlite  note  was  raisin'  a 
parfect  freshet  of  wrath  agin  me.  That  display  of 
larnin',  about  bringin'  home  a  pledge  of  affection,  from 
the  sunny  south,  most  onaccountably  oversot  my  whole 
family  prospects.  It  wur  a  stumper  to  Sally,  so  she  got 
Jess  to  explain  it,  and  the  way  he  did  it  was  enormous. 

"  <  Why,  don't  you  see,'  ses  Jess,  «  he  means  to 
bring  you  up  one  of  his  nigger  children,  from  the  south, 
to  nuss!  Nothing  can  be  plainer — thar  aint  no  other 
'pledges  of  affection'  than  children,  that  I  know  on.' 

"  Well,  I  swar  ef  she  didn't  believe  him. 

" '  The  nasty  dog,'  ses  Sally,  <■  does  he  think  I'm 
agoin  to  nuss  any  of  his  yaller  pledges — ef  them  thar  is 
all  he's  got  to  offer,  he  aint  wuth  shucks,  and  ef  you 
don't  lick  him  fur  his  onmannerly  note,  you  aint  wuth 
shucks,  nuther.' 

"Not  dreamin'  of  the  row  at  home,  I  was  a  huntin' 
through  Noo  Orlins  fur  presents  fur  Sally.  I  bought  a 
roll  of  ribbon,  a  pocket  full  of  lace,  and  a  bran  new, 
shinin'  silk  parasol,  and  was  comin'  along,  slow  and 
easy,  by  the  St.  Louis  Exchange,  when  I  heerd  Major 
Beard  cryin'  off  a  lot  of  field  hands.  I  jest  sauntered 
in  as  he  was  puttin'  up  a  picanninny  '  yaller  gal,'  about 
five  years  old.  The  little  gal  had  no  mammy  livin', 
and  looked  sorter  sickly,  so  nobody  seemed  anxious  to 
git  her.  I  hollered  fifty  dollars,  and  the  little  cieatur' 
brightened  up  when  she  seed  who  was  a  biddin'  ;  I 
didn't  look  like  a  sugar  or  cotton  planter,  and  the  crea- 


136  YALLER  PLEDGES. 

tur'  seemed  glad  that  I  warn't.  Some  cotton  fellar  here 
bid  sixty  dollars,  and  she  wilted  rite  down — I  thort 
what  a  slick  present  she'd  be  fur  Sally,  and  how  well 
she'd  do  to  tend  the  children,  so  I  sung  out  seventy 
dollars ;  she  knew  my  voice,  and  I  could  see  her  eyelids 
trimble.  No  sooner  did  the  Major  drop  the  hammer 
on  seventy  dollars,  than  she  looked  wuth  a  hundred, 
she  was  so*  pleased  at  my  buyin'  her.  She  was  a  nice 
little  creatur',  but  her  liar  was  oncommon  straight. 

"  I  started  up  home  next  day,  with  my  purchases,  and 
sich  a  time  as  I  had  on  the  way.  I  got  dreamin'  so 
strong  about  bein'  married  to  Sally,  that  I  was  etarnally 
wakin'  up  huggin'  and  kissin'  the  pillows,  as  ef  they 
wur  gals  at  a  huskin'.  At  last  I  got  home,  tickled  all 
to  death  at  my  future  prospects.  I  met  Jess  at  the 
Ian  din' — he  gin  me  a  starr,  looked  at  the  little  yaller 
gal,  and  then  spread  himself  with  a  guffaw,  as  ef  he  wur 
goin'  into  fits.  I  riled  up  a  little,  but  thought  thar  wur 
time  enough  to  sarve  him  out,  so  I  passed  on.  The 
fellars  in  the  settlement  seemed  to  be  allfired  pleased 
at  my  gittin'  back,  fur  they  kept  a  grinnin'  and  bowin' 
and  lookin'  at  my  little  yaller  gal. 

»  '  Wont  you  take  a  little  suthin',  Sam,'  said  Jim 
Belt,  the  grocery  keeper. 

"  'Not  now,  I  thank  you,  Jim,  ses  I.' 

"  '  What,  you  aint  agoirt'  in  fur  temperance  pledges, 
too,  are  you  ?'  asked  Jim,  and  then  the  boys  all  holler'd 
as  ef  they'd  bust  thar  heads. 

"  'Not  ex-a-c-t-ly !'  ses  I,  rather  slow,  tryin'  all  the 
time  to  find  out  what  the  fun  war,  but  I  couldn't  get  it 
through  my  kiverin'  of  har,  so  I  gin  it  up  and  went 
home.  Next  day  thar  wur  to  be  a  campmeetin'  down 
in  the  bottom,  and  all  the  boys  and  gals  wur  agoin'  to 


YALLEB.  PLEDGES.  137 

it ;  so,  to  make  a  shine  with  Sally,  I  sent  over  word  that 
I  would  call  that  mornin'  and  bring  with  me  my  fust 
pledge  of  affection,  meanin'  the  parasol,  and  hoped  it 
would  be  to  her  mind  both  in  textur  and  color.  Back 
came  this  note  in  anser  : 

"  'Kune  Holler,  Juli  8. 
u '  Miss  Spillman's  compliments 

'"To  Sam  Crowder,  Esq.;  the  fust  pledge  of  his  affections  is  a 
little  too  yaller,  and  the  textur  of  its  har  is  too  tight  a  curl,  and, 
more'n  that,  she  aint  ambitious  to  hev  any  of  his  pledges  ef  tha 
wur  all  white. 

"  'Sally  Spillman.' 

"  I  nigh  onto  bust  with  madness ! — I  could  feel  every 
har  on  my  head  kindlin'  at  the  eend,  'cause  I  knew 
sum  cussed  lie  had  been  told  her,  and  I  blamed  Jess  fur 
doin'  it.  I  jest  swar  a  bible  oath,  I'd  spile  his  pictur' 
so  he  couldn't  enjoy  campmeetin'  much ;  so  next  mornin,' 
bright  and  airly,  I  accidentally  fell  in  with  Jess,  goin1 
arter  Sally,  with  all  his  Sunday  kiverin'  on,  lookin'  as 
nice  as  a  <  stall  fed  two  year  old.'  I  rite  up  and  asked 
him  what  he  meant  by  tellin'  lies  to  the  galls  about  me ; 
that  I'd  hearn  on  'em  all  over  the  settlement 

"  l  I  haint  told  no  lie  on  you,'  ses  Jess,  '  fur  what's 
told,  you  told  yourself — ef  you  hev  nigger  babies  in  the 
south,  you  needn't  insult  decent  white  gals  by  offerin' 
to  let  'em  nuss  'em — ' 

"I  didn't  wait  till  he  finished  afore  I  hit  him,  biff, 
alongside  of  his  smeller,  and  went  into  him  all-fours, 
catamount  fashion.  The  thing  had  now  cum  to  a 
windin'  up  pint — this  fight  war  to  eend  the  matter  about 
Sally,  and  as  I  didn't  want  to  gin  her  up  easy,  I  laid 
myself  out  fur  a  purty  long  spell.  I  could  soon  see  by 
the  way  Jess  went  to  work  that  he'd  kalculated  upon  a 


133  YALLER  PLEDGES. 

pretty  big  chunk  of  a  fight,  too,  so  we  both  began  to 
save  ourselves.  I  had  a  leetle  the  advantage  of  Jess, 
for  he  didn't  want  to  spile  his  Sunday  fix-ups,  while  I 
didn't  care  a  cuss  fur  my  old  boat  suit.  When  I'd  grab 
his  trowsers  and  gin  'em  a  hitch,  he'd  ease  off,  and  then 
I'd  lend  him  a  staggerer,  which  was  generally  follered 
by  his  makin'  me  fly  round  like  a  weazel — cre-a-tion, 
how  tough  he  war  ! 

"  While  we  wur  havin'  a  rite  smart  time  together, 
nary  one  of  us  seed  Sally  ridin'  along  down  the  wagin 
track,  lookin'  out  fur  Jess,  but  she  seed  us,  hitched  her 
horse,  and  climbed  onto  a  stump  to  see  the  fight  out. 
As  I  war  carfully  reachin'  fur  Jess'  ear  with  my  grinders, 
I  heerd  her  sing  out — 

"  '  Tech  it  ef  you  dar! — you  nigger  cannibal !' 

"  Her  hollerin'  gin  Jess  an  advantage  and  helped  his 
strength  powerfully,  fur  the  next  minit  I  war  on  my  back 
and  him  right  astraddle  on  me. 

»  <  Sock  your  teeth  into  him,  Jess  !'  screamed  Sally, 
and  about  then,  je-e-e-miny  fellars,  I  leaped  as  ef 
lightnin'  had  hit  me,  fur  his  grinders  had  met  through 
the  flesh  she  called  his  attention  to.  I  squirmed,  and 
struggled,  and  chawed  meat,  but  he  held  on — I  grabbed 
his  new  trowsers,  and  tore  them  like  paper — he  was 
agoin  to  let  go  to  kiver  his  coat  tails  over  the  torn  place, 
but  Sally  hollered  out  agin — 

" « Whip  the  varmint  fust  and  then  I'll  mend  'em  up !' 

<<I  squealed  enough!  rite  out — it  warn't  no  use  a 
fightin'  agin  such  odds.  Arter  Jess  let  me  up,  Sally 
looked  at  me,  and  puckered  up  her  mouth  as  ef  she  had 
been  eatin'  unripe  persimmons — 

"'Enough!'  ses  she,  'well,  may  I  git  ager  fits,  ef 
you're  fit  fur  anythin'  but  to  be  the  father  of  yaller 
■pledges  V  " 


"  Enough .'"  ses  she ;  '•  Well,  may  I  git  ager  fits,  ef  you're  fit  fur  any  thin'  but 
to  he  the  father  of  y alter  pledges  .'"—Page  138. 


GEORGE  MUNDAY, 

THE     HATLESS     PROPHET. 

This  odd  character  has  lately  favored  the  west  with  a 
visit,  and  during  two  successive  evenings  he  edified 
audiences,  numbering  about  a  thousand  persons,  in  the 
rotunda  of  the  St.  Louis  court-house.  Some  took  him 
for  the  Wandering  Jew,  and  as  he  inveighed  against  the 
evils  of  these  modern  days,  they  looked  at  him  with  a 
feeling  of  awe.  One  day  opposite  the  Planter's  house, 
during  a  military  parade,  George  was  engaged  selling 
his  edition  of  the  »  Advocate  of  Truth,"  when  a  tall 
hoosier,  who  had  been  gazing  at  him  with  astonish- 
ment for  some  time,  roared  out  in  an  immoderate  fit  of 
laughter. 

"What  do  you  see  so  funny  in  me,  to  laugh  at?" 
inquired  George. 

"  Why,  hoss,"  said  the  hoosier,  »  I  wur  jest  a  thinkin' 
ef  I'd  seed  you  out  in  the  woods,  with  all  that  har  on, 
they  would  a  been  the  d — dest  runnin'  done  by  this 
coon  ever  seen  in  them  diggins — you're  ekill  to  the 
elephant!  and  a  leetle  the  har-yest  small  man  I've  seen 
scart  up  lately." 

A  sight  at  George,  on  his  western  tour,  has  brought 
to  my  recollection  an  anecdote,  which  entitles  him  to  a 
place  in  our  collection  of  odd  characters; — it  occurred 
several  years  since,  in  Philadelphia,  and  the  writer  was 
an  eye  witness  of  the  occurrence. 

George's  favorite  neighborhood  for  "holding  forth," 
was  in  and  about  the  famous  old  »  State  House,"  where, 

139 


140  GEORGE  MUNDAY. 

bare-headed — with  unshorn  beard,  and  adorned  with  a 
simple  wooden  cross,  he,  in  a  few  moments,  would  col- 
lect a  crowd.  At  length  the  police  arrested  him,  for 
obstructing  the  passage,  and  George  was  sent  to  the 
Aims-House.  In  a  few  days,  he  escaped  from  the  in- 
stitution, and,  boiling  with  indignation,  hastened  back 
to  his  old  haunt,  to  lay  his  grievances  before  the  people. 
Having  provided  himself  with  a  couple  of  gimlets,  he 
entered  the  building,  raised  the  large  window  above 
the  back  entrance,  and,  placing  himself  on  the  old- 
fashioned  entablature  over  the  door-way,  (the  same  spot 
where  the  Declaration  of  Independence  was  read  from,) 
he  shut  down  the  window  behind  him,  securing  himself 
from  interruption  by  boring  his  gimlets  through  the 
sash,  into  the  frame.  Then,  with  much  solemnity,  he 
proceeded  to  paraphrase  the  "Declaration,"  applying 
it  to  his  own  particular  case.  The  scene  was  truly 
ludicrous.  Below,  was  one  of  the  high  constables 
and  an  assistant  policeman,  together  with  a  numerous 
crowd  of  curious  hearers. 

"  When,  in  the  course  of  human  events" — began 
George. 

"Will  you  come  down  from  there?"  demanded  the 
constable. 

"  A  long  train  of  abuses  and  takings  up  without 
authority, — " 

"  Aint  you  a  comin';  now? — if  you  don't  I'll  bring 
you,"  threatened  authority. 

"  Our  mayor,  like  the  kings  of  old,  set  upon  us 
swarms  of  corrupt  and  drunken  officers  to  put  the  pro- 
phets of  truth  into  pestilential  abodes." 

"Now,  do,  George,  stop  your  lingo — that's  a  good 
fellow,"  said  the  officer,  coaxingly,  seeing  that  the  usual 


i  ■) 


GEORGE  MUNDAY.  141 

means  of  reaching  the  offender  were  cut  off;  "  and  come 
down  without  bother." 

"  Look  up!"  shouted  the  indignant  advocate  of  truth, 
« look  up,  you  stiff-necked,  corrupt  son  of  Belial ! — ■ 
you  dog  in  office! — you,  that  belch  forth  the  corrupt 
effluvium  of  liquid  death,  commonly  styled  rum! — you 
are  the  chief  of  a  band  of  authorised  knaves,  composed 
of  evil  expounders  of  the  law,  otherwise  called  pettifog- 
gers, and  certain  other  rogues  in  office,  who  are  styled 
"  the  police." — You  lead  captive  the  senses  of  the 
mayor,  who  is  as  much  bridled  by  your  wickedness  as 
the  beast  of  the  same  name ! — you  cause  him  by  your 
false  tongues  to  do  evil,  but,  there  is  a  day  coming — 
there  is !  when,  at  a  bar  where  your  credit  has  long 
since  been  chalked  out,  I'll  make  an  affidavy  will  knock 
you  so  far  into  the  regions  of  darkness,  that  the  final 
trump  will  sound  like  a  penny  whistle  to  your  ear ! — do 
you  hear  that!" 

The  policeman  did  hear  that,  but  his  amiability  could 
stand  it  no  longer ;  so,  procuring  a  watchman's  ladder, 
he  commenced  climbing  to  the  prophet,  who  coolly 
unscrewed  his  gimblets,  hoisted  the  window,  lifted  up 
his  robes,  and,  shouting  "woe  to  the  wicked,"  beat  a 
successful  retreat. 


COURTING  IN  FRENCH  HOLLOW. 

"  Courtin'  is  all  slick  enough  when  every  body's 
agreed,  and  the  gal  aint  got  no  mischief  in  her,  but 
when  an  extensive  family,  old  maids,  cross  daddy,  and 
a  romantic  old,  mommy,  all  want  to  put  thur  fingers 
into  the  young  uns  dish  of  sweet  doin's,  and  the  gal's 
fractious  besides,  why  a  fellar  that's  yearnin'  arter  mat- 
rimony is  mity  likely  to  git  his  fires  dampened,  or  bust 
his  biler." 

Thus  reasoned  Tom  Bent  to  a  select  party  of  river 
cronies,  who  were  seated  around  him  upon  the  boiler 
deck  of  a  Mississippi  steamer,  as  she  sped  along  one 
bright  night  in  June,  somewhere  in  the  neighborhood 
of  Bayou  Teche.  The  subject  was  courting,  and  on 
that  particular  question  Tom  was  considered  an  oracle, 
for,  besides  having  a  strong  penchant  for  the  fair  sex,  he 
had  run  many  risks  to  ingratiate  himself  in  their  affec- 
tions. Tom  was  now  fast  falling  into  the  sear  and  yel- 
low leaf  of  bachelorism,  and  although  he  had  vowed 
unalterable  affection  to  at  least  one  fair  one  in  each 
town  between  the  mouth  and  the  rapids,  he  still  re- 
mained in  unblessed  singleness. 

"  How  about  that  afarr  of  your'n  with  old  Fecho's 
gal,  in  St.  Louis,  Tom  ?"  inquired  one  of  the  circle. 

"  What,  that  little  French  gal  ?"  inquired  Tom,  with 
a  grin  ;  "  well,  that  thar  was  a  salty  scrape,  boys,  and 
though  the  laugh  is  agin  me  thar,  I'm  blessed  if  I  don't 
gin  you  the  sarcumstince."  So  Tom  squared  himself 
for  a  yarn,  wet  his  lips  with  a  little  corn  juice,  took  a 
small  strip  of  Missouri  weed,  and  "let  out." 

142 


COURTING  IN  FRENCH  HOLLOW.         143 

»  That  gal  of  old  Fecho's  wur  about  the  pootyest 
creatur,  fur  a  foreigner,  I  ever  took  a  shute  arter  ;  her 
eyes  jest  floated  about  in  her  head  like  a  star's  shadow 
on  a  Massissippi  wave,  and  her  model  was  as  trim  as 
the  steamer  -Eagle,  'sides,  her  paddles  wur  the  cleanest 
shaped  fixins  that  ever  propelled  anythin'  human,  and 
her  laugh  rung  like  a  challenge  bell  on  a  <  fast  trip' — it 
couldn't  be  beat.  She  run  into  my  affecshuns,  and  I 
couldn't  help  it.  I  danced  with  her  at  some  on  the 
balls  in  Frenchtown,  and  thar  I  gin  to  edge  up  and  talk 
tender  at  her,  but  she  ony  laughed  at  my  sweet'nin'. 
Arter  a  spell,  when  I  cum  it  strong  about  affecshun, 
and  the  needcessity  of  towin'  side  and  side  together, 
she  told  me  that  her  old  daddy  wouldn't  let  her  marry 
an  American !  Ef  I  warn't  snagged  at  this,  I  wouldn't 
say  so.  The  old  fellar  wur  a  sittin'  on  a  bench  smokin' 
and  lookin'  on  at  the  dance,  and  I  jest  wished  him  a 
hot  berth  for  a  short  spell.  '  Well,  Marie,'  said  I,  '  ef 
I  melt  the  old  man  down  will  you  gin  in  ?' 

"  '  Oh,'  says  she,  '  you  so  vair  strong  at  de  vat  you 
call  coax,  I  shall  not  know  how  to  say  von  leetel  no.' 

"  So  havin'  fixed  it  all  with  her  smooth  as  a  full 
freight  and  a  June  rise,  I  drew  up  alongside  of  the  old 
fellar,  jest  as  he  had  cleared  his  chimley  for  a  fresh  draw 
of  his  pipe.  Old  Fecho  had  been  a  mountain  trader, 
was  strong  timbered,  not  much  the  worse  fur  wear,  and 
looked  wicked  as  a  tree'd  bear.  I  fired  up  and  gene- 
rated an  inch  or  two  more  steam,  and  then  blew  off  at 
him.  <  That's  an  onconscionable  slick  gal  of  your'n, 
Mounseer,'  says  I,  to  begin  with,  and  it  did  tickle  his 
fancy  to  have  her  cracked  up,  'cause  he  thought  her 
creation's  finishin'  touch, — so  did  I !     '  Oui,  sair,'  says 


144         COURTING  IN  FRENCH  HOLLOW. 

old  Fecho,  <  she  vair  fine  leetel  gal,  von  angel  wizout 
de  ving,  she  is,  sair,  mine  only  von  fille.'' 

"  '  Well,  she  is  a  scrougerj  answered  I,  '  a  parfect 
high  pressure,  and  no  dispute  !' 

" '  Vat  you  mean  by  him,  eh  ?  vat  you  call 
s-c-r-r-r-ouge,  eh?  vat  is  he,  sair,  my  leetel  gal  no  vat 
you  call  von  s-c-r-r-r-ouge,  sair  !'  and  here  old  Fecho 
went  off  into  a  mad  fit,  jest  as  ef  I'd  called  her  bad 
names.  I  tried  to  put  down  his  '  safety  valve,'  but  he 
would  blow  off  his  wrath,  and  workin'  himself  into  a 
parfect  freshet  of  rage,  he  swore  he  would  take  the  little 
gal  off  home ;  and  I'm  blessed  ef  he  didn't.  As  soon 
as  I  eyed  the  old  fellar  startin'  I  got  in  his  wake  and 
follered  him,  detarmined  to  find  out  whar  he  located, 
and  arter  an  eternal  long  windin'  through  one  street  arter 
another,  down  he  dived  into  French  Hollow.  Jest  as 
he  wur  about  to  enter  a  house  built  agin  the  side  of  the 
hill,  the  old  fellar  heered  my  footsteps,  and  turnin' 
round  in  the  darkness,  he  shouted — 

"<Ah,  ha!  von  sneak  Yankee  doodel,  vat  call  my 
leetel  gall  von  s-c-r-r-r-ouger,  I  shall  cut  you  all  up  into 
von  leetel  piece  vidout  von  whole.' 

"  You  know,  boys,  I  aint  easy  skeer'd,  but  I  own  up 
that  old  fellar  did  kind  a  make  me  skeery ;  they  told 
sich  stories  about  the  way  he  used  to  skin  Ingins,  that 
I  gin  to  think  it  was  about  best  to  let  him  have  both 
sides  of  the  channel  ef  he  wanted  it,  so  I  didn't  darr  go 
to  see  Marie  fur  a  long  spell.  One  day  I  felt  a  strong 
hankerin',  and  jest  strolled  along  the  holler  to  git  a 
glimpse  on  her,  and  sure  enough  thar  she  wur,  a  leanin' 
out  the  winder,  smilin'  like  the  mornin'  sun  on  a  sleep- 
in'  bayou.  I  sidled  up  to  the  house,  and  asked  her  ef  I 
darr  cum  and  sit  up  with  her  that  evenin'.     I  told  her 


COURTING  IN  FRENCH  HOLLOW.         145 

I  was  jest  fritterin'  away  all  to  nothin'  thinkin'  on  her, 
and  a  small  rnite  of  courtin'  would  spur  me  up  amazin', 
and  then  I  gin  her  sich  a  look,  that  she  fluttered  into 
consent  as  easy  as  a  mockin'  bird  whistles. 

"  '  Oh,  oui,  you  shall  come  sometime  dis  night,  when 
rnon  pere  is  gone  to  de  cabaret ;  but  you  must  be  vair 
quiet  as  von  leetel  rat,  vat  dey  call  de  mouse,  and  go 
vay  before  he  come  back  to  de  maison.1 

"  In  course  I  promised  to  do  jest  as  she  said.  I  kissed 
my  hand  to  her,  and  said  aur  ravoir,  as  the  French 
say  for  good  by,  and  then  paddled  off  to  wait  for  night. 
I  felt  wuss  than  oneasy  until  the  time  arriv,  and  when  it 
did  git  round  I  gin  to  crawl  all  over — I  swar  I  was  a 
leetle  skeered.  Hows'ever,  it  warn't  manly  to  back  out 
now  when  the  gal  was  expectin'  me,  so  I  started  for 
the  Hollow.  I  think  a  darker  night  was  never  mixed 
up  and  spread  over  this  yearth — you  remember,  Bill, 
the  night  you  steered  the  old  Eagle  square  into  the  bank 
at  Milliken's  bend  ?  well,  it  wur  jest  a  mite  darker  than 
that !  A  muddy  run  winds  along  through  the  ravine 
whar  the  house  stands,  and  I  wur  particularly  near  flop- 
pin'  into  it  several  times.  A  piece  of  candle  in  the 
winder  lighted  me  to  whar  the  little  gall  was  a  waitin', 
and  when  I  tapped  at  the  door  below,  she  pattered  down 
and  piloted  me  up  to  the  sittin'  room,  whar  we  sot  dow" 
and  took  a  good  look  at  each  other.  She  looked  pooty 
enough  to  tempt  a  fellar  to  bite  a  piece  out  on  her.  I 
had  all  sorts  of  good  things  made  up  to  say  when  a 
chance  offered,  and  here  the  chance  wur,  but  cuss  me 
ef  I  could  get  out  the  fust  mutter.  Whether  it  wur 
skeer  at  the  idee  of  the  old  Frenchman,  or  a  bilin'  up 
of  affecshun  fur  his  darter  that  stuck  my  throat  so  tight, 
I'm  unable  to  swar,  but  thar  I  wur,  like  a  boat  fast  on 
J9 


146         CbURTING  IN  FRENCH  HOLLOW. 

a  sand-bar,  blowin'  some,  but  raakin'  mity  little  head- 
way. 

"  '  Vat  is  de  mattair  wiz  you,  Mounseer  ?'  said  Marie, 
1  you  look  vair  much  like  de  leaf  in  von  grand  storm, 
all  ovair  wiz  de  shake  !' 

"  '  Well,'  says  I,  '  I  do  feel  as  ef  I  wur  about  to  col- 
lapse a  flue,  or  bust  my  biler,  for  the  fact  of  the  marter 
is,  Marie,  they  say  your  old  daddy's  a  tiger,  and  ef  I 
git  caught  here  thar'll  be  suthin'  broke — a  buryin'  in- 
stead of  a  weddin' ; — not  that  I'm  the  least  mite  skeered 
fur  myself,  but  the  old  man  might  git  hurt,  and  I  should 
be  fretted  to  do  any  sech  a  thing.' 

"  'Oh,  mon  amie,  nevair  be  fear  fur  him,  he  is  von 
great,  strong  as  vat  you  call  de  gentleman  cow  ? — von 
bull, — but,  mon  Dieu!  what  shall  I  do  wiz  you,  sup- 
pose he  come,  eh  ?     He  vill  cut  you  into  bits  all  ovair !' 

"  <  But,  my  angel,'  ses  I,  <he  shant  ketch  me,  fur  I'll 
streak  it  like  a  fast  boat,  the  moment  I  hear  steam  from 
his  scape-pipe — the  old  man  might  as  well  try  to  catch 
a  Massissippi  catty  with  a  thread  line,  as  git  his  fingers 
on  me.'  I  had  no  sooner  said  so,  than  bang!  went  the 
door  below,  and  old  Fecho,  juicy  as  a  melon,  came 
feelin'  his  way  up  stairs,  mutterin'  like  a  small  piece  of 
fat  thunder,  and  swarin'  in  French,  orfully.  I  know'd 
thar  warn't  much  time  to  spare,  so  I  histed  the  winder 
and  backed  out.  Jest  as  I  was  about  to  drop,  Marie 
says  to  me — '  Oh,  mon  Dieu  !  don't  drop  into  de  veil  /' 
and  instanter  shut  the  winder.  My  har  riz  on  eend  in 
a  moment — <  don't  drop  into  the  well."  I'll  tell  you 
what,  boys,  a  souse  into  the  Massissippi  in  ice  time 
warn't  half  as  cold  as  her  last  warnin'  made  me.  It  was 
so  etarnal  dark  that  I  couldn't  begin  to  tell  which  side 
of  the  buildin'  I  wur  on,  and  that  wur  an  all  important 


COURTING  IN  FRENCH  HOLLOW.         147 

perticuler,  fur  it  wur  jest  three  stones  high  on  one  side, 
towards  the  Hollow,  and  it  warn't  only  one  on  the  side 
next  the  hill — in  course,  all  the  chances  wur  in  favor  of 
the  well  bein'  on  the  low  side.  I'd  gin  all  I  had  then 
to  know  which  side  was  waitin'  below  fur  me.  I  looked 
up,  as  I  hung  on,  to  see  ef  thar  warn't  a  star  shinin' 
somewhare,  jest  to  give  a  hint  of  what  was  below,  but 
they'd  all  put  on  thar  night  caps,  and  wouldn't  be 
coaxed  from  under  the  kiver ;  then  I'd  look  below,  and 
listen,  until  I  made  sartin  in  my  mind  that  I  could  hear 
the  droppin'  of  water,  somewhare  about  fifty  feet  below 
me  !  Old  Fecho  was  a  tearin'  through  the  room,  and 
a  rippin'  out  French  oaths,  in  an  oncommon  rapid  man- 
ner, and  declarin'  that  he  knew  some  one  had  bin  thar, 
fur  he'd  bin  told  so.  Two  or  three  times  he  appeared 
to  be  a  rushin'  for  the  winder,  and  the  little  gal  would 
coax  him  back  agin,  and  then  he'd  cuss  de  Yankee 
doodels,  and  grit  his  teeth  most  owdaciously.  Well, 
ef  I  warn't  in  an  oneasy  situation  all  this  time,  then  I'm 
more  than  human — my  arms  jest  stretched  out  to  about 
a  yard  and  a  half  in  length,  and  gin  to  cramp  and  git 
orful  weak.  I  couldn't  fur  the  life  of  me  think  on  any 
prayer  I'd  ever  heerd — at  last,  jest  as  one  hand  was 
givin'  way  its  hold,  I  thort  of  a  short  one  I  used  to  say 
when  I  was  a  younker,  and  mutterin' — '  Here  I  drop 
me  down  deep,  I  pray  the  Lord  my  bones  to  keep!'  I 
sot  my  teeth  together,  drew  a  long  breath,  shut  my  eyes, 
and  let  go! — whiz! — r-r-r-ip  ! — bang!  I  went — as  I 
supposed — about  fifty  feet;  and  didn't  I  holler,  when  I 
lit  and  rolled  over,  and  the  water  soused  all  round  me ! 
'Murder!  oh,  git  me  out,  oh-o-o-o,  murder!  The 
people  came  a  rushin'  out  of  their  houses,  with  lights, 
and  sich  another  jargon  of  questions  as  they  showered 


148  THE  SECOND  ADVENT. 

at  me — askin',  all  together,  who'd  bin  a  stabbin'  me? 
what  wur  the  marter  ?  and  who'd  hit  me  ?  I  opened 
my  eyes  to  tell  'em  I'd  fell  from  the  third  story,  and 
broke  every  bone  in  my  body,  when,  on  lookin'  up, 
thar  wur  the  old  Frenchman  and  his  darter,  grinnin'  out 
of  the  top  winder,  about  ten  feet  above  me !  The  fact 
wur,  boys,  I'd  dropped  out  on  the  hill  side  of  the  house, 
and  jumped  down  jest  four  feet  from  whar  my  toes 
reached, — I  had  lit  on  the  edge  of  a  water  pail,  and  it 
flowed  about  me  when  I  fell  over!  Arter  old  Fecho 
told  them  the  joke,  they  pretty  nigh  busted  a  larfin'  at 
me.  I  crawled  off,  arter  firin'  a  volly  at  old  Mounseer, 
of  the  hardest  kind  of  cusses,  and  from  that  day  to  this 
I  han't  gone  a  courtin'  in  French  Hollow ! 


THE  SECOND  ADVENT! 

TOM  BANGALL,  THE  ENGINEER,  AND  MILLERISM. 

About  the  period  fixed  upon  by  Father  Miller,  for  the 
general  blowing  up  of  the  world,  some  of  the  engineers 
upon  our  western  waters,  who  had  been  used  to  blowing 
up  its  inhabitants,  became  a  little  frightened  at  the 
prospect  of  having  to  encounter,  in  another  world,  the 
victims  of  steamboat  disaster.  Among  these  was  Tom 
Bangall,  the  engineer  of  the  Arkansas  Thunder.  Tom 
was  a  rearing,  tearing,  bar  state  scrouger — could  chaw 
up  any  single  specimen  of  the  human  race — any  quantity 
of  tobacco,  and  drink  steam  without  flinching! — A  col- 
lapsed flue  had  blown  him  once  somewhere  in  the  alti- 
tude of  an  Alpine  height,  but  dropped  him  unharmed 


THE  SECOND  ADVENT.  149 

into  the  Arkansas,  and  he  used  to  swear  that  after  the 
steam  tried  to  jerk  him  apart  and  found  it  couldn't  do 
it,  why,  it  just  dropped  the  subject,  as  the  stump  speakers 
say,  by  dropping  him  into  the  "  drink" — he  therefore  in- 
continently set  water,  hot  or  cold,  at  defiance.  Tom 
was,  withal,  a  generous,  open-hearted,  whole-souled  fel- 
low, and  his  cheering  words  to  the  emigrants  on  the  boiler 
deck,  and  many  a  kind  act  to  a  suffering  passenger, 
proved  that  beneath  his  rough  exterior  he  had  a  heart 
open  to  gentle  influences.  As  a  further  proof  of  this, 
Tom  had  a  wife,  a  good  wife,  too,  and  what's  more  he 
tenderly  loved  her;  but  she  in  vain  tried  to  cure  him 
of  drinking  and  swearing.  Tom  swore  that  he  would 
swear,  that  a  steamboat  wouldn't  work  without  some 
swearing,  and  if  a  fellar  didn't  drink  he'd  bust,  and, 
therefore,  it  was  necessary  to  take  a  bust  now  and  then 
to  keep  out  of  danger.  »  There  is  no  use,"  he  would 
say,  "  in  blowing  off  steam  from  your  'scape-pipe  agin 
it,  for  it  has  to  be  did  /" 

One  day  on  Tom's  return  home,  he  found  Mrs.  Mary 
Bangall  weeping  bitterly,  and  Tom  became,  instantly, 
correspondingly  distressed. 

"  Why,  Polly,"  inquired  he,  « what's  the  matter, 
gal  ? — what's  hurt  you  ? — is  anythin'  broke  loose  that 
can't  be  mended? — what  the  thunder  makes  you  take 
on  so  ? — Come,  out  with  the  cause,  or  I  shall  git  a 
blubberin'  too." 

"  Only  look  here,  Tom,"  said  Mary,  "  here's  a  whole 
account  of  how  the  world  is  going  to  be  destroyed  this 
April. — Every  thing  has  been  counted  up  by  Father 
Miller,  and  the  sum  total's  a  general  burn  !  Now,  Tom, 
don't  swear,  nor  drink  any  more  or  you  won't  be  able 
to  stand  the  fire  no  more  than  gunpowder!" 


150  THE  SECOND  ADVENT. 

Tom  indulged  in  a  regular  guffaw  at  her  distress, 
and  told  her  she  was  a  fool  to  be  frightened  at  that — 
it  was  all  moonshine — humbug — smoke, — that  Father 
Miller  was  an  old  granny,  and  it  warn't  possible — any- 
how he  warn't  afraid  of  fire,  so  it  might  fire  away  /" 

"But,  Tom,"  continued  Mary,  "let  me  read  to  you 
the  proof — it's  irresistible,  Tom, — the  times  and  the 
half  times,  are  so  correctly  added  up  that  there  can  be 
no  mistake,  and  if  you  don't  make  some  preparation  we 
will  be  separated  for  ever." 

The  idea  of  a  separation  from  Mary  troubled  Tom, 
but  full  of  incredulity  he  sat  down  to  listen,  more  to 
please  her,  and  find  something  in  the  adding  up  of  the 
catastrophe  that  would  upset  it.  Mary  commenced 
reading,  and  Tom  quietly  listening,  but  as  she  read  the 
awful  evidences  of  a  general  conflagration,  the  signs  of 
the  times,  the  adding  up  of  the  times,  the  proof  of  their 
meaning,  and  the  dreadful  consequences  of  being  un- 
prepared— with  ascension  robes,  Tom  grew  serious,  and 
at  length  looked  a  little  frightened.  He  didn't  want 
Mary  to  see  its  effect  upon  him,  and  so  assumed  an  over 
quantity  of  indifference,  but  it  was  useless  for  him  to 
attempt  hiding  his  feelings  from  her  prying  eyes — she 
saw  Miller's  doctrine  was  grinding  a  hopper  of  fear  in 
Tom's  heart,  and  felt  glad  to  see  its  effect.  "When  she 
ceased  he  remarked,  with  a  half-frightened  laugh,  that 
Father  Miller  ought  to  be  burnt  for  thus  trying  to  frighten 
people,  and,  »  as  for  them  eastern  fellars,  they  are  half 
their  life  crazy  any  how!" 

Having  tried  thus  to  whisper  unconcern  to  his  troubled 
spirit,  Tom  set  out  for  the  boat,  with  the  firm  resolve, 
if  he  caught  a  Millerite  to  save  him  from  the  threatened 
burning  by  drowning  him,  for  disseminating  any  such 


THE  SECOND  ADVENT.  151 

fiery  doctrines.  When  he  got  on  board  he  told  the 
captain  what  had  transpired  at  home, — how  his  wife 
had  got  hold  of  a  Miller  document  from  a  travelling  dis- 
ciple, and,  as  well  as  he  could,  rehearsed  the  awful 
contents  which  she  had  read  to  him.  The  captain,  ob- 
serving the  effect  they  had  produced  on  Tom,  seriously 
answered  that  the  matter  looked  squally,  and  he  was 
afraid  them  documents  were  all  too  true. 

"  True !"  shouted  Tom,  "  why,  you  aint  green  enough 
to  swallow  any  such  yarn — its  parfectly  rediculous  to 
talk  about  burnin'  every  thing  up.  I'd  like  to  see  old 
Miller  set  fire  to  the  Massissippi!" 

"Its  no  funny  matter,  Tom,"  replied  the  captain, 
"  and  if  you  keep  going  on  this  way  you  will  find  it  so." 

"Here,  give  us  somethin'  to  drink!"  shouted  Tom 
to  the  bar-keeper,  (he  began  to  get  terrified  at  the 
serious  manner  with  which  the  captain  treated  Millerism) 
"come,  Bill,"  said  he,  addressing  the  clerk,  "let's 
take  a  drink." 

The  clerk,  who  was  a  wag,  saw  through  the  captain's 
joke  in  a  minute  and  when  he  winked  at  him,  refused 
to  taste,  adding  as  an  apology  that  "  on  the  eve  of  so 
awful  an  event  as  the  destruction  of  the  world,  he  couldn't 
daringly  indulge  as  he  formerly  did,  so  he  must  excuse 
him." 

"Well,  go  to  h — 11,  then,"  says  Tom,  half  mad. 

The  captain  sighed,  and  the  clerk  put  his  hand  upon 
his  heart,  and  turned  his  eyes  upward,  as  if  engaged  in 
inward  prayer  for  his  wicked  friend.  Tom  swallowed 
his  glass,  and  bestowing  a  fierce  look  upon  the  pair 
remarked,  that  "  they  couldn't  come  any  of  them  thar 
shines  over  him,  he  wasn't  any  of  that  chicken  breed!" 

"  Poor  fellow,"  muttered  the  captain. 


152  THE  SECOND  ADVENT. 

"Alas!  Thomas,"  chimed  in  the  c]erk. 

Tom  slammed  the  cabin  door  after  him  as  he  went 
out  to  descend  below,  swearing  at  the  same  time  that 
all  the  rest  of  the  world  were  turning  damned  fools  as 
well  as  old  Miller. 

Steam  was  raised  and  the  Thunder  started.  For  a 
time  Tom  forgot  the  predicted  advent,  but  every  time 
he  came  up  to  the  bar  to  get  a  drink,  the  serious  look 
of  the  captain  and  the  solemn  phiz  of  the  clerk,  threw  a 
cold  chill  over  him,  and  made  him  savage  with  excite- 
ment. Every  passenger  appeared  to  be  talking  about 
Millerism,  besides,  a  waggish  friend  of  the  captain's,  a 
passenger  on  board,  having  been  informed  of  the  engi- 
neer's state  of  mind,  passed  himself  off  as  a  preacher  of 
the  doctrine,  and  talked  learnedly  on  the  prophecies 
whenever  the  engineer  was  nigh.  It  was  comic  to  see 
the  fierce  expression  of  their  victim's  countenance,  and 
how,  in  spite  of  himself,  he  would  creep  up  to  the  cir- 
cles where  they  were  discussing  the  Second  Advent, 
and  listen  with  all  ears  to  the  rehearsal  of  its  terrible 
certainty,  then  making  for  the  bar,  take  another  drink, 
and  thrusting  his  hands  deep  into  his  pockets  start  down 
to  the  engine,  with  a  scowl  upon  his  swart  countenance 
that  would  almost  start  a  flue  head  from  its  fastenings. 

"  I'd  quit  this  boat,"  said  Tom  to  his  assistant,  «  if 
it  warn't  so  near  £the  25th  of  April,' — cuss  me  if  I'd 
stay  aboard  another  minit,  fur  captain  and  all  hands  are 
a  set  of  cowardly  pukes  /" 

"  Why,  what's  the  25th  of  April  got  to  do  with  your 
leavin',  Tom?"  inquired  his  partner. 

"  Nothin'  particular,  but  if  this  confounded  blow  up 
or  burn  up  should  come  off  on  that  day,  I  wan't  to  be 
on  the  river — its  safer;  but  if  I  should   leave  now  I 


THE  SECOND  ADVENT.  153 

couldn't  get  on  another  boat  by  that  time,  and  then  I'd 
be  in  a  hot  fix." 

Here  was  a  tacit  confession  by  Tom,  that  he  thought 
there  was  danger,  and  that  there  might  be  some  truth 
in  old  Miller's  prediction.  The  fact  of  his  fears  was 
forthwith  communicated  to  the  captain  and  clerk  by 
Tom's  partner,  and  his  sufferings  became  increased — 
he  could  hear  no  sounds  but — advent — Miller — blow-up 
— dreadful  destruction  ! — until  his  suspense  became  so 
horrible,  that  he  wished  for  any  termination  so  it  would 
put  an  end  to  his  dread.  His  partner  ventured  to  in- 
crease his  uneasiness  by  talking  to  him  on  the  subject, 
but  Tom  threatened  to  brain  him  if  he  said  anything 
about  it  in  his  presence — he  remarked  that  "  the  noise 
of  the  engine  was  his  only  peace,  and  no  frightened, 
lubberly  sucker  should  disturb  it  by  talking  Millerism — 
if  Miller  was  a  goin'  to  burn  the  world,  why,  let  him 

burn  and  be (here,  Tom  for  the  first  time  checked 

an  oath,  and  finished  the  sentence  with)  never  mind, 
just  let  him  burn,  that's  all." 

Starting  up  to  the  bar,  without  looking  to  right  or 
left,  he  presented  a  bottle,  had  it  filled  with  liquor  and 
retreated,  resolved  to  go  as  little  as  possible  near  either 
captain  or  clerk,  for  their  solemn  looking  faces  were 
contagious— they  looked  disaster. 

At  length  the  25th  of  April  dawned,  and  with  its  ad- 
vancing hours  Tom  got  tight,  that  is  to  say,  so  near 
intoxicated  that  he  could  only  move  around  with  ex- 
treme difficulty — he  knew  what  he  was  about,  but  very 
little  more.  Sundry  mutterings  which  he  gave  voice 
to,  now  and  then,  proclaimed  the  spirit  at  work  within, 
and  it  would  say : — 

"  Burn,  ha ! — burn  up,  will  it  ? — goin'  to  tglee  a  regu- 


154  THE  SECOND  ADVENT. 

lar  bust  and  blow  itself  out!  Great  world,  this! — 
g-r-e-a-t  world,  and  a  nice  little  fire  it  will  be  !"  Then, 
thinking  of  Mary,  he  would  continue — "  Poor  Mary — 
what  a  shock  it  will  be  to  her,  but  she's  on  the  safe  side, 
for  she  belongs  to  meetin' ;" — and  then  he  would  get 
wrathy — ■  "  Let  the  old  world  burn,  and  go  to  splintered 
lightnin' — who  cares? — The  captain  and  clerk's  got  on 
the  safe  side,  too, — they're  afraid  of  the  fire,  eh?" 
Then  he  would  cautiously  emerge  from  his  place  by  the 
engine,  and  peep  out  upon  the  sky,  to  see  if  the  work 
of  destruction  was  about  to  commence,  and  then  return- 
ing, take  another  pull  at  the  whiskey,  until,  by  his  fre- 
quent libations,  he  not  only  got  blue,  but  every  thing  he 
looked  at  was  multiplying — he  was  surrounded  by  a 
duplicate  set  of  machinery — even  his  fist,  that  he  shook 
at  the  intruding  cylinder  and  piston  rod,  became  doubled 
before  his  eyes,  and  all  assumed  the  color  of  a  brimstone 
blue!  Tom  became  convinced,  in  his  own  mind,  that 
the  first  stage  of  the  general  convulsion  had  commenced ! 

"  Hello  ! — back  her !"  shouted  the  captain,  "  give  her 
a  lick  back  ! — starboard  wheel,  there  !" 

"It's  all  up,  now,"  muttered  Tom,  "let's  see  you 
lick  her  back  out  of  this  scrape,"  and  staggering  towards 
the  steam  valves,  to  try  the  amount  of  water  in  the 
boilers,  he  fell  sprawling ;  at  that  moment  the  boat  struck 
the  bank  with  a  bang  that  shook  every  timber  in  her ; 
the  concussion,  also,  injured  a  conducting  steam-pipe 
just  enough  to  scald  Tom's  face  and  hands  severely, 
without  endangering  his  life.  As  the  stream  of  hot  va- 
pour hit  him,  he  rolled  over,  exclaiming : — 

"  Good  God! — it's  all  up,  now!"  and  soon  became 
utterly  insensible 

Tom  was  picked  up  and  carried  into  the  Social  Hall, 


THE  SECOND  ADVENT.  155 

where  restoratives  were  administered  to  recall  him  to 
consciousness,  and  remedies  applied  to  heal  his  burns. 
All  gathered  in  silence  and  anxiety  around  his  pallet, 
watching. for  returning  sensibility,  the  captain  and  clerk 
among  the  number,  really  grieved  at  the  mishap,  which 
they  had  no  doubt  was  caused  by  their  jest.  While  all 
breathlessly  looked  on,  Tom  gave  manifestations  of  re- 
turning consciousness :  of  course,  with  sensibility  re- 
turned feeling,  and  his  burns  appealed,  most  touchingly, 
to  that  sense.  Twisting  himself  up,  and  drawing  his 
breath  through  his  teeth,  he  slowly  remarked  : — 

"Jest  as  I  thought  —  the  d — l's  got  me,  s-l-i-c-k 
enough,  and  I'm  burnt  already  to  a  cinder!" 

There  was  no  resisting  this — all  hands  burst  into  a 
roar  of  laughter.  Tom  couldn't  open  his  eyes,  but  he 
could  hear,  and  after  they  had  done  laughing,  he  quietly 
remarked  : — 

"  These  imps  are  mightily  glad  because  they've  got  me/" 

Here  followed  another  roar,  and  when  it  subsided,  the 
captain  approached  him,  and  called  his  name — 

"  Tom,  old  fellow,"  said  he,  you're  safe !" 

"  What,  you  here,  too,  captain  ?  I  thought  you  had 
jined  meetin'  and  saved  your  bacon. — So  they've  got 
you,  too, — well,  a  fellar  aint  alone  then." 

Here  the  clerk  spoke  to  him. 

"  What,  you,  too,  Bill  ? — well,  <  there's  a  party  of  us,' 
any  how,  but  it's  so  confounded  dark  I  can't  see  you, 

and  its  hotter  than (here  he  checked  himself  with  a 

shudder,  and  added,)  Yes,  I'm  certain  we're  ihar /" 
sighing  heavily,  he  murmured — "Poor  Mary — Oh,  my 
Mary." 

By  the  efforts  of  the  captain  and  clerk  Tom  was  made 
to  understand  the  true  state  of  the  case,  and  through 


156  SETTLEMENT    FUN. 

their  kindness  and  attention,  was  soon  able  to  return  to 
duty,  and  though  he  would  after  laugh  at  a  jest  about 
old  Father  Miller,  yet  he  was  never  again  known  to 
drink  whiskey.  When  irritated  now,  Tom  always  shuts 
his  lips  tight,  and  chokes  down  the  rising  oath.  Mary 
is  gratified  with  the  change,  although  she  wept  at  the 
severity  of  the  means  by  which  he  was  converted. 


SETTLEMENT  FUN. 

BILL     SAPPER'S     LETTER     TO     HIS     COUSIN. 

Liberti,  Missury,  May  6t.  18  forty  5. 

Cousin  Jim,  tha  aint  nuthin'  occurred  wuth  ritin' 
about  in  our  settlement  fur  a  long  spell,  but  about  the 
beginnin'  of  last  wreek,  thur  war  a  rumor  sot  afloat  in 
town,  which  kept  the  wimen  for  two  or  three  days  in 
a  continooal  snigger,  and  it  war  half  a  day  afore  the 
men  could  find  out  the  rights  of  the  marter — sech  an- 
uther  fease  as  all  the  gals  got  inter,  war  delightful  to 
contemplate.  The  boys  kept  a  askin'  one  anuther, 
what  in  the  yearth  wur  the  marter,  that  the  gals  kept  a 
whisperin'  and  laffin'  round  town  so — at  last  it  cum 
out !  and  what  do  you  think,  Jim,  wur  the  marter  ? — 
You  couldn't  guess  in  a  week.  It  aint  no  common 
occurrence,  and  yet  it's  mighty  natral.  Little  Jo  Allen, 
the  shoemaker,  had  an  addition  to  his  family,  amountin' 
to  jest  three  babbys — one  boy  and  two  gals !  His  wife  is 
a  leetle  creatur',  but  I  reckon  she's  "  some"  in  countin' 
ihe  census,  and  sech  anuther  excitement  as  her  little 
brood  of  pretty  babbys  has  kicked  up  among  the  wimen, 


SETTLEMENT  FUN.  157 

is  perfectly  intiein'  to  bachelors.  When  the  interestin' 
marter  war  furst  noised  about,  the  wimen  wouldn't  be- 
lieve it,  but  to  know  the  rights  of  it  tha  put  on  thur 
bonnets  and  poured  down  to  see  little  Mrs.  Allen,  in  a 
parfect  stream  of  curiosity;  and,  sure  enough,  thar  tha 
wur,  three  raal  peert  lookin'  children,  all  jest  alike.  Bein' 
an  acquaintance  of  Jo's  he  tuck  me  in  to  see  his  family, 
and  it  wur  raaly  an  interestin'  sight  to  see  the  little 
creaturs.  Thar  tha  wur,  with  thur  tiny  faces  aside 
each  other,  hevin  on  the  prettiest  caps, — all  made  and 
fixed  by  the  young  wimen,  as  a  present  to  the  mother, — 
and  then  thur  infantile  lips  jest  openin',  like  so  many 
rose  buds  poutin',  while  thur  bits  of  hands,  transparent 
as  sparmacity,  wur  a  curtin'  about  and  pushin',  all 
doubled  up,  agin  thur  little  noses,  and  thur  mother  all 
the  time  lookin'  at  'em  so  peert  and  pleased,  jest  as 
ef  she  war  feelin'  in  her  own  mind  tha  war  hard  to  beat 
— addid  to  which,  thar  stood  thur  daddy,  contemplating 
with  a  glow  of  parentil  feelin',  the  whole  unanimous  pic- 
tur !  It  aint  in  me,  Jim,  to  fully  describe  the  univarsel 
merits  of  sech  a  scene,  and  I  guess  it  couldn't  receive 
raal  jestis  from  any  man's  pen,  'cept  he'd  ben  the 
father  of  twins  at  least. 

"  Gracious  me,"  sed  Mrs.  Sutton,  a  very  literary 
womin,  who  allays  talks  history  on  extra  occasions, 
»  ef  that  little  Mrs.  Allen  aint  ekill  to  the  mother  of 
the   Grashi!" 

She  looked  at  little  Jo,  the  daddy,  fur  a  spell,  and 
tuk  to  admirin'  him  so  that  she  could  scacely  keep  her 
hands  off  on  him — she  hadn't  no  babbys,  poor  womin  ! 

"  Ah,  Mister  Allen,"  ses  she,  "you  are  suthin'  like 
a  husbind — you're  detarmin'd  to  descend  a  name  down 
to  your  ancesters  /" 

O 


158  SETTLEMENT  FUN. 

I  raaly  believe  she'd  a  kissed  him  ef  thur  hadn't  ben 
so  many  wimen  thar.  The  father  of  the  babbys  wur 
mitely  tickled  at  furst,  'cause  all  the  wimen  wur  a 
praisin'  him,  but  arter  a  spell  he  gin  to  look  skary,  for 
go  whar  he  would  h.e  found  some  wimen  tryin'  to  git 
a  look  at  him — tha  jest  besieged  his  shop  winder,  all 
the  time,  and  kept  peepin'  in,  and  lookin'  at  him,  and 
askin'  his  age,  and  whar  he  cum  from  ?  At  last  sum 
of  the  gals  got  so  curious  tha  asked  him  whar  he  did 
cum  from,  any  how,  and  as  soon  as  he  sed  Indianee, 
Dick  Mason  becum  one  of  the  popularest  young  men 
in  the  settlement,  among  the  wimen,  jest  'cause  he  wax 
from  the  same  state. 

Things  went  on  this  way  fur  a  spell,  till  at  last  tha 
heerd  of  'em  in  the  country,  and  the  wimen  all  about 
found  some  excuse  to  come  to  town  to  git  store  goods, 
jest  a  purpose  to  see  the  babbys  and  thur  parents.  The 
little  daddy  war  wusser  plagued  now,  and  they  starr'd 
at  him  so  that  he  couldn't  work — the  fact  wur  his  mind 
war  gittin'  troubled,  and  some  of  the  wimen  noticed  the 
skary  look  he  had  out  of  his  eyes,  and  kept  a  wonderin' 
what  it  meant.  One  mornin'  it  war  noticed  by  some 
of  the  gals  that  his  shop  warn't  open'd,  so  tha  got  in- 
quirin'  about  him,  and  arter  a  sarch  he  cum  up  missin' 
— well,  I'm  of  the  opinion  thar  wur  an  excitement  in 
town  then,  fully  ekill  to  the  president's  election.  Every 
womin  started  her  husbind  out  arter  Jo,  with  orders 
not  to  cum  back  without  him,  and  sech  a  scourin'  as 
tha  gin  the  country  round  would  a  caught  anythin' 
human — it  did  ketch  Jo — on  his  road  to  Texas  !  When 
tha  got  him  back  in  the  town  agin,  a  committee  of 
married  men  held  a  secret  talk  with  him,  to  larn  what 
the  marter  wur,  that  he  wanted  to  clear  out,  and  Jo 


SETTLEMENT  FUN.  159 

told  'em  that  the  wimen  kept  a  starin'  at  him  so  he 
couldn't  work,  and  ef  he  war  kept  from  his  bisness, 
and  his  family  continooed  to  increase  three  at  a  time, 
he'd  git  so  cussed  poor  he'd  starve,  and  tharfore  he 
knew  it  'ud  be  better  to  clar  out,  for  the  wimen  would 
be  sure  to  take  good  care  of  his  wife  and  the  babbys. 

Old  Dr.  Wilkins  wur  appinted  by  the  men  to  wait  on 
a  meetin'  of  the  wimen,  and  inform  them  of  the  fact, 
that  tha  wur  annoyin'  the  father  of  the  three  babbys, 
and  had  amost  driven  him  out'n  the  settlement.  The 
Doctor,  accordin'  to  appintment,  informed  the  wimen, 
and  arter  he  had  retired  tha  went  into  committee  of  the 
whole,  upon  the  marter,  and  appinted  three  of  thur 
number  to  report  at  a  meetin',  on  the  next  evenin',  a 
set  of  resolutions  tellin'  what  tha'd  do  in  the  premises, 
and  governin'  female  action  in  the  partickler  case  of  Jo 
Allen,  his  little  wife,  and  three  beautiful  healthy  babbys. 

When  the  hour  of  meetin'  had  arriv,  Mrs.  Sutton's 
parlors  wur  crowded  with  the  wimen  of  the  settlement, 
and  arter  appinten  Widder  Dent  to  the  cheer  tha  reported 
the  committee  on  resolves  redely,  and  Mrs.  Sutton  bein' 
the  head  of  the  committee  she  sot  to  work  and  read  the 
followin'  drawn  up  paper  : — 

Whereas,  It  has  ben  sed  by  the  wise  Solomon  of  old 
that  the  world  must  be  peopled,  tharfore,  we  hold  it  to 
be  the  inviolate  duty  of  every  man  to  git  married,  and, 
moreover,  rear  up  citizens  and  future  mothers  to  our 
glorious  republick  ;  and, 

WJiereas,  It  is  gratifyin'  to  human  natur',  the  world 
in  gineral,  Missury  at  large,  and  Liberty  in  partickler, 
that  this  settlement  has  set  an  example  to  the  ancesters 
of  future  time,'  which  will  not  only  make  the  wimen  of 
this  enlightened  state  a  pattern  for  thur  children,  but  a 


160  SETTLEMENT  FUN. 

envy  to  the  royal  wimen  of  Europe,  not  forgettin'  the 
proud  mother  of  the  Lions  of  Ingland,  but  will  elevate 
and  place  in  and  among  the  furst  families,  fur  ever  here- 
arter,  the  mother  that  has  shed  such  lustre  upon  the 
sex  in  gineraf;  and 

Whereas,  It  is  the  melancholy  lot  of  some  to  be  de- 
prived of  doin'  thar  duty  in  the  great  cause  of  human 
natur',  because  the  young  men  is  back'ard  about  speak- 
in'  out,  it  is  time  that  some  measures  be  taken  inimical 
to  our  general  prosperity,  and  encouragin'  to  the  risin' 
generation  of  young  fellars  round  town;  tharfore, 

Resolved,  That,  as  married  wimen,  our  sympathies, 
like  the  heavin'  of  natur's  bosom,  yearns  with  admira- 
tion and  respect  fur  that  little  womin,  Mrs.  Allen,  and 
as  we  see  her  three  dear  little  babbys,  reclinin'  upon 
thur  mother's  female  maternal  bosom,  our  beatin'  hearts 
with  one  accord  wish  we  could  say  ditto. 

Resolved,  That  in  the  case  of  Mrs.  Allen  we  see  an 
illustrious  example  of  the  intarnal  and  extarnal  progress 
of  that  spreadin'  race,  the  Angel  Saxons ;  and  time  will 
come  when  the  mothers  of  the  west  will  plant  thar 
glorious  shoots  from  one  pinnacle  of  the  Rocky  Moun- 
tains to  the  tother,  and  until  thar  cry  of  liberti  will  be 
hollered  from  one  pint  to  the  next  in  a  continooal 
skreech  ! 

Resolved,  That  Mister  Joseph  Allen,  the  father  of 
these  three  dear  little  babbys,  shall  receive  a  monument 
at  his  deth,  and  while  he  is  livin',  the  wimen  shall  ony 
visit  his  shop  once  a  week  to  look  at  him,  'cept  the 
married  wimen,  who  shall  be  permitted  to  see  him 
twice  a  week  and  no  offener,  pervided  and  exceptin' 
tha  want  to  git  measured  fur  a  par  of  shoes. 

Resolved,  Mister  Joseph  Allen  shall  hev  the  custom 


"doing"  a  landlord.  161 

of  the  whole  settleme?i£,  for  he  is  a  glorious  livin'  ex- 
ample of  a  dotin'  husbind. 

Arter  these  resolutions  had  ben  unanimously  passed, 
Mrs.  Sutton  addressed  the  meetin',  in  a  stream  of  ele- 
gance, wharin  she  proved,  clar  as  a  whistle,  that  a 
family  war  the  furst  consideration  fur  a  settler  in  a  new 
country  and  town  lots  the  arter  question.  "  She  ac- 
knowledged the  corn,"  she  sed,  "  that  it  war  soofhin' 
to  look  offen  at  thur  neighbor  Allen,  but  his  peace  of 
mind  war  the  property  of  his  family,  and  she  hoped  the 
ladies  wouldn't  disturb  it,  'cause  the  loss  of  sech  a 
husbind,  would  be  a  sufferin'  calamity  to  the  settlement." 

The  meetin'  adjourned,  and  Jo  went  back  to  work, 
singin'  and  whistlin'  as  happy  as  usual,  and  ever  sence 
he's  had  a  parfect  shower  of  work,  for  the  gals  all  round 
the  country  keep  goin'  to  him  to  git  measured,  tha  say 
he  desarves  to  be  incouraged. 

Your  furst  Cousin, 

Bill  Sapper. 


"DOING"  A  LANDLORD. 

A  STORY  OF  SHAPE  AND  TALENT. 

Tom  C.  H ,  Esq.,  a  genius,  whose  ideas  of  life 

were  on  such  a  magnificent  scale  that  they  outran  his 
interest,  capital  and  all,  was  seated  upon  the  porch 
of  a  fashionable  hotel,  in  a  large  eastern  village, 
one  bright  Monday  morning,  cogitating  how,  in  the 
nature  of  things,  it  was  possible  for  him  to  compass  a 
dinner.  The  long  score,  unpaid,  which  stood  recorded 
23 


162  «  DOING  "  A  LANDLORD. 

on  the  books  within,  precluded  the  idea  of  getting  one 
there  without  the  tin,  and  numerous  searches  through 
sundry  pockets  about  his  person  were  unrewarded  by  a 
single  shiner.  The  case  was  desperate,  but  great  minds 
are  always  equal  to  great  emergencies,  and  Tom's  was 
of  that  order.  His  coat  had  been  renovated  by  a  scourer, 
for  whom  he  had  written  a  love  letter,  his  hat  had 
been  ironed  by  a  good-natured  hatter,  who  had  enjoyed 
his  custom  in  better  days,  a  new  coat  of  japan  varnisb 
had  been  lavished  upon  his  cane,  his  dicky  was  passable, 
and  no  gentleman  would  think  of  examining  the  extre- 
mities of  his  covering,  or  pry  into  the  shifts  he  had  been 
put  to  for  a  shirt.  Tom  thought  himself  passable,  and 
he  resolved  to  pass  off  for  a  dinner,  if  possible.  A 
stranger  lolling  easily  on  a  settee  near  him  looked  vul- 
nerable, and  Tom,  approaching  him  in  a  very  bland  and 
friendly  manner,  remarked  : — 

"Excuse  me,  sir,  but  you  look  so  like  an  old  friend 

of  mine,  J.  B ,  who  has  resided  for  years  in  the 

south,  that  I  can't  help  addressing  you." 

"I  am  from  the  south,  sir,"  answered  the  stranger, 
courteously,  "but  not  the  person  you  speak  of — know 
him,  however,  and  am  pleased  to  encounter  a  friend 
of  his." 

"  That's  it,"  said  Tom  to  himself,  "  got  him  as  easy 
as  rolling  off  a  log!" 

An  animated  conversation  ensued,  which  ended  by 
Tom  being  asked  to  dine,  and  when  the  gong  pro- 
claimed the  table  spread,  in  walked  the  stranger  and 
Tom,  arm-in-arm,  large  as  life  and  twice  as  natural.  He 
called  the  waiters  with  an  air  of  ease,  passed  the  stranger's 
wine  with  friendly  freedom,  laughed  musically,  jested 
with  spirit,  wiped  his  mouth  with  grace,  and,  in  short, 


"  doing"  a  landlord.  163 

completely  captivated  the  southerner.  During  the 
period  of  Tom's  luxuriating,  he  was  observed  by  the 
landlord,  who,  indignant,  sent  a  servant  to  order  him 
from  the  table.  Tom  had  «  come  it"  over  him  for  so 
many  odd  dinners,  without  a  shadow  of  prospect  for 
pay,  that  he  would  stand  it  no  longer.  The  servant 
approached,  whispered  in  his  ear,  and  stood  off  to  give 
him  room  to  move.  Tom  clutched  the  wine  bottle,  with 
the  intention  of  hurling  it  at  his  head,  but  altered  his 
purpose,  and  poured  out  another  glass,  drank  it  off, 
looked  daggers  at  the  servant,  and  in  a  moment  more 
smiled  confidence  upon  his  friend. 

"  Would  you  believe  it,"  said  Tom,  to  the  southerner, 
"that  since  my  absence  from  the  city  for  a  few  days 
past,  a  rival  house  of  our  ship-ping  firm  has  whispered 
the  possibility  of  our  failure,  and  this  rascally  landlord, 
having  heard  the  calumny,  has  insulted  me  here  at  table 
by  sending  a  servant  to  demand  the  trifling  sum  I  owe 
him." 

The  southerner  was  burning  with  indignation. 

"It  is  too  humiliating;"  added  Tom,  "not  dreaming 
of  such  an  outrage,  I  am  entirely  unprovided  at  the 
moment." 

"Here,  my  dear  fellow,"  promptly  proffered  his 
friend,  "here  is  my  pocket-book,  make  use  of  it  with- 
out hesitation." 

"You're  very  kind,"  said  Tom,  "very,  I  will  but 
borrow  this  thousand  dollar  bill  for  a  moment — I  know 
the  rascal  can't  change  it!" 

With  an  air  of  offended  dignity,  Tom  approached 
the  office  of  the  hotel,  the  landlord,  frowning  with  anger, 
stood  at  the  desk,  the  offended  "  diner  out,"  put  his 
hand  to  his  eyes,  as  if  hiding  deep  emotion,  and  then 


164  "  DOING  "  A  LANDLORD. 

addressing  the   landlord  in  a  grief-stricken  voice,  he 
said: 

"  I  never  areamed  of  such  an  insult  from  you,  sir,  at 
such  a  time,  too,  just  as  my  uncle  in  the  south  has 
expired, — and  his  agent  with  me  to  deliver  up  the  por- 
tion bequeathed  to  me — it  is — it — sir,  I  cannot  express 
in  language  my  feelings.  Take  out  of  that  the  paltry 
sum  I  owe  you," — throwing  down  the  thousand  dollar 
bill, — "  and  henceforth  I  never  will  enter  your  door. 
Just  at  a  time  too,"  he  further  added,  "  when  I  had 
intended  to  make  your  house  my  home,  and  endeavor 
to  make  some  return  for  your  forbearance.  It  is  too 
much — my  feelings  are  lacerated,"  and  here  he  became 
almost  overpowered  by  emotion. 

The  strip  of  crape  around  his  hat — put  there  to  hide 
the  greasy  band — the  thousand  dollar  bill,  and  the 
renovated  coat,  which  looked  like  new  on  the  possessor 
of  such  a  sum,  all  assured  the  landlord  that  he  had  been 
hasty.  He,  therefore,  denied  the  indignity,  straight, 
said  that  it  was  an  impertinence  of  his  servant,  who  had 
twice  before  offended  his  best  guests  by  his  insolence, 
and  assured  Tom  that  he  would  discharge  the  fellow 
forthwith — pushed  back  to  him  the  thousand  dollar  bill, 
and  begged  he  would  forget  the  circumstance — indeed, 
he  felt  shocked  that  such  an  outrage  had  been  perpe- 
trated upon  his  oldest  friend  and  customer.  These 
warm  expressions  mollified  Tom's  wrath,  and  folding 
up  his  bill  he  walked  back,  resumed  his  seat,  returned 
the  bill  to  the  southerner,  merely  remarking  he  had 
"  brought  the  landlord  to  his  feelings,"  and  cheerfully 
sipped  a  little  iced  champagne.  As  he  left  the  table 
arm-in-arm  with  his  freind,  the  landlord  approached, 
bowing,  and  begged  to  know  where  he  should  send  for 


"doing"  a  landlord.  165 

his  trunk,  as  No.  24,  a  fine  airy  room,  which  would 
suit  him  to  a  charm,  was  at  present  empty.  Tom  said 
he  would  send  the  baggage  up,  and  after  lighting  a 
choice  Havana,  strolled  out  with  an  air  aristocratic. 

In  good  time,  the  trunk  arrived — a  rude  one,  but 
very  heavy.  The  landlord  winked  as  the  servant  bent 
beneath  its  weight,  and  remarked,  as  he  paid  the  por- 
terage, that  a  large  quantity  of  bullion  was  generally 
rather  heavy.  Tom  was  in  clover — the  thousand  dol- 
lar bill  got  whispered  about,  and  one  of  his  creditors,  a 
fashionable  tailor,  insisted  on  trusting  him  for  another 
suit;  he  yielded;,  after  much  persuasion,  and  it  was 
astonishing  how  everything  altered  with  Tom's  appear- 
ance. His  note  was  good  for  any  small  sum  now,  and 
it  was  a  pleasure  to  make  his  acquaintance. 

In  the  course  of  about  six  months  the  landlord  thought 
he  would  just  hint  to  Tom  that  a  small  check  would  be 
agreeable,  as  they  were  hard  pushed.  The  hint  w7as 
given,  and  he  received  a  check — anything  but  a  cash 
one,  though.  Tom  very  coolly  informed  him  that  the 
agent  who  had  raised  his  hopes  was  a  rascally  impostor. 

"But  the  thousand  dollar  bill,  Mr.  H.?"  said  the 
landlord,  inquiringly. 

"  Was  handed  to  me,  by  the  rogue,  to  keep  up  ap- 
pearances," coolly  responded  Tom. 

"  I  shall  seize  your  baggage,  sir!"  cried  the  enraged 
host. 

<<  I  can't  help  it,  my  dear  fellow,"  said  Tom  ;  "  you 
know  if  I  had  a  'pocket  full  of  rocks,'  you  should  share 
them,  for  I  like  you,  vastly — I  do — cuss  me  if  I  don't; 
so  keep  cool,  and  keep  the  baggage  until  I  make  a 
draw  and  raise  the  little  sum." 

The  trunk  was  seized,  and  so  roughly  that  it  burst 


166  WHO  IS  GEORGE  SIMPSON? 

open,  when  the  landlord  discovered  that  if  Tom  had  no 
pocket  full  of  rocks,  it  was  because  he  had  stowed  them 
all  in  his  trunk,  and  that  accounted  very  naturally  for 
its  being  so  heavy ! 


WHO  IS  SIR  GEORGE  SIMPSON? 

AN  EXTRAORDINARY  CIRCUMSTANCE  ABOUT  HIM. 

An  esteemed  frnnd  of  ours,  who  now,  heaven  rest 
his  spirit,  sleeps  in  the  tomb,  had  a  curious  method  of 
relating  a  story ;  a'ad  if  his  hearer  was  of  an  impatient 
nature,  it  would  be  sorely  tried  before  he  heard  the  con- 
clusion of  any  yam  the  "  Consul"  might  start  to  favor 
him  with.  On  cue  occasion,  some  months  since,  he 
seated  himself  at  my  elbow,  while  I  was  busily  perusing 
a  piece  of  news  in  which  Sir  George  Simpson's  name 
appeared,  and  taking  the  knight's  cognomen  for  a  text, 
he  insisted  on  relating  to  me  an  extraordinary  circum- 
stance, which  drew  forth  a  correspondingly  extraordi- 
nary remark  from  the  said  Sir  George.  With  a  pencil, 
unperceived  by  the  relater,  I  stenographed  his  story, 
nearly  word  for  word,  and  as  it  is  replete  with  interest, 
I  do  not  feel  justified  in  withholding  it  at  the  present 
time  from  the  public ;  so,  here  it  is : — 

"  I'll  tell  you  an  extraordinary  circumstance  about 
George  Simpson,"  said  the  «  Consul."  "  You  see, 
when  I  was  at  my  brother's,  on  Staten  Island,  some  years 
since — at  his  country  seat,  living  with  his  family — (my 
brother  Bill,  it  was) — there  was  some  six  children,  and 
J  lived  at  home  there — the  oldest  not  more  than  fourteen, 


WHO  IS  SIR  GEORGE  SIMPSON?  167 

and  I  used  to  take  him  out  hunting  with  me ; — the 
young  rascal  was  a  good  shot,  too !  You  see  I  was 
there  at  that  time  on  my  oars,  doing  nothing,  and  had 
plenty  of  time  to  spare,  which  I  used  to  fill  up  by  fish- 
ing and  hunting,  sometimes  for  days  together — pretty 
poor  luck  at  that,  often,  but  I  didn't  care,  as  time  wasn't 
valuable.  Well,  you  see,  my  brother  Bill  used  to  invite 
some  of  the  people  in  the  neighborhood  to  dinner,  and 
often  there  were  distinguished  visiters  on  the  island — it's 
a  first  rate  place  in  summer — and  Bill  had  every  thing 
nice  on  his  table  ;  he  took  some  trouble  to  keep  it  fine, 
and  he  had  a  reputation  for  being  a  good  liver.  You 
could  see  he  liked  good  things  by  his  appearance,  for 
he  was  corpulent.  Well,  you  see,  Sir  George  Simpson 
happened  to  be  invited  to  dine — Sir  George,  the  Scotch- 
man, old  fellow — belonging  to  the  Hudson  Bay  Fur 
Company  ;  Scotch  as  the  devil ! — old  tory  at  that ;  he 
has  travelled  all  over  the  north-western  territory,  and 
Oregon,  and  clear  up  to  Behring's  Strait ;  knows  the 
wrorth  of  a  wild-cat  skin  in  any  market  in  the  world,  old 
Sir  George  does — a  cursed  old  Jew,  too  !  Well,  as  we 
were  all  seated  at  the  table — I  on  my  brother  Bill's 
right,  and  Sir  George  on  his  left  —  (Sir  George  was 
dressed  in  check  pants  and  a  snufF-colored  coat,  looking 
as  pompous  as  the  red  lion  of  England,  although  he  was 
only  a  Scotch  clerk  of  the  Fur  Company) — just  as  Bill's 
oldest  boy  asked  for  something  at  table,  and  I  was  help- 
him  to  a  bit  of  veal  kidney  —  the  young  rascal  was 
fond  of  kidney,  and  would  have  it  when  it  was  on  the 
table — says  Sir  George,  says  he — and  my  brother  Bill, 
who  was  just  turning  up  his  plate  at  the  time,  stopped 
and  laid  down  his  fork,  and  I  turned  round  to  hear  what 
he  had  to  say — (the  old  fellow  always  spoke  slow7,  with 


168  LETTERS  FROM  A  BABY. 

considerable  Scotch  accent,  and  every  body  wanted  to 
hear— it's  the  most  extraordinary  circumstance  or  re- 
mark, whichever  you  please,  as  I  said,  that  ever  I 
heard) — says  Sir  George,  says  he,  "  I  shouldn't  wonder 
if  we  have  to  fight  about  Oregon  yet!" 


LETTERS  FROM  A  BABY. 

BY   A    FORWARD    CHILD. 

St.  Louis  has  obtained  the  reputation  of  being  a  dan- 
gerous climate  for  infants,  and  the  bills  of  mortality,  as 
they  have  from  time  to  time  exhibited  an  alarming  num- 
ber of  deaths  among  children,  have  called  forth  learned 
disquisitions  from  the  "  medicine  men,"  and  some  new 
views  from  those  who  are  without  the  pale  of  regular 
practice.  All  seemed  to  agree  that  the  mortality  every 
summer  was  alarming,  but  no  two  united  in  assigning 
the  same  cause  for  the  fatal  result.  After  listening  pa- 
tiently to  both  sides,  I  sought  information  from  the  suf- 
fering party,  and  their  opinion  may  be  gathered  from 
the  complaints  of  their  correspondent  Bub.     He  says : 

Dear  Sir : — Of  late  I  perceive  the  public  are  making 
some  stir  about  us  babies ;  may  heaven  vouchsafe 
healthy  children  to  our  defenders.  I  have  a  string  of 
sorrows  to  relate  myself,  and  my  poor  bowels  cry  out 
for  protection ;  you  must  therefore  permit  me  to  say  a 
few  words.  My  Ma  is  what  you  would  call  a  fashion- 
able woman,  and  although  she  loves  her  baby,  yet  she 
says  it  is  not  fashionable  for  mammas  in  the  southern 


LETTERS  FROM  A  BABY.  169 

states  to  nurse  their  own  babies ;  I  am,  consequently, 
turned  over  to  the  care  of  nigger  Molly,  and  Lord  pre- 
serve me,  such  nursing  as  I  get  would  kill  a  young  In- 
dian. I  am  fed  with  every  thing,  from  a  green  apple 
to  a  chunk  of  fat  pickled  pork,  and  the  sufferings  which 
I  undergo  therefrom,  would  crack  a  sucking  bottle,  or 
rend  a  diaper  in  tatters.  After  feeding  me  into  sickness, 
they  set  a  doctor  at  me,  who  physics  me  into  a  state  of 
quiet  insensibility,  and  they  then  say,  "bess  its  ittle 
bessed  heart  it's  ditten  better,  it  is."  I  get  a  little  peace 
until  I  get  strong  enough  to  cry  out,  and  then  nigger 
Molly  stuffs  me  to  keep  me  quiet,  and  I  go  through 
another  spell.  I  see  our  dog  Flora  watching  her  pups, 
and  if  any  person  goes  near  them  she  is  almost  ready  to 
tear  them  to  pieces ;  I  wish  my  Ma  was  as  careful  of 
me.  I  see  a  poor  woman  opposite  kissing  her  baby, 
and  I  envy  that  child  ;  nobody  kisses  me  but  black 
Molly,  and  she  does  it  to  smother  my  cries  of  suffering. 
I  don't  know  what  kills  other  babies,  but  this  treatment 
will  soon  finish  me  Bub. 


NO.    II. BUB    IN    PERIL. 


How  are  you1? — You  have  published  my  letter,  and  I 
am  glad  to  see  that  nigger  Molly  cannot  smother  my  cry 
to  the  public — if  I  don't  give  her  scissors,  it  will  be  be- 
cause she  smothers  me  outright.  You  must  know  Molly 
keeps  two  bottles  filled  with  liquid,  one  of  which  she 
administers  to  me,  and  the  other  to  herself,  and  they 
both  have  about  the  same  effect,  only  hers  smells  worst. 
Hers  she  calls  whiskey,  mine  cordial.  The  other  morn- 
ing Mollv  set  me  down  on  the  floor,  beside  a  pan  of 


170  LETTERS  FROM  A  BABY. 

water,  and  commenced  taking  comfort  from  her  bottle, 
and  I,  feeling  feverish,  commenced  comforting  myself 
by  dabbling  in  the  pan  until  I  was  all  wet ;  Molly  per- 
ceiving this  picked  me  up  to  slap  me,  but  her  cordial 
floored  her.  I  should  have  been  glad  of  this,  only  she 
nearly  killed  me  in  her  fall,  and  because  I  screamed,  as- 
any  baby  would  do,  she  clapped  her  black  lips  to  mine, 
smelling  horribly  as  they  were  of  whiskey,  and  kept  in 
my  breath  until  I  was  as  black  in  the  face  as  herself.  I 
yelled  at  this  double  outrage,  and  she  silenced  me  by 
pouring  a  double  dose  of  cordial  down  my  throat,  which 
threw  me  into  a  state  of  insensibility,  from  which  I  awoke 
almost  dead.  My  mother  asked  to  see  me,  and  when 
she  heard  me  moaning,  she  said  "  the  ittle  bessed  dear 
is  suffering  wis  its  too-sys."  I  aint  suffering  with  my 
teeth — I'm  suffering  with  nigger  Moll's  nursing. 

Bub. 


NO.    III. BUB    RESCUED. 

Hello,  boys: — Flourish  trumpets!  merrily  beat  your 
drums — I'm  a  saved  sucker  !  A  day  of  hope  and  pro- 
mise has  shed  its  light  upon  my  infantile  head,  and 
bright  visions  of  a  pair  of  small  breeches  to  be  worn 
by  me,  float  airily  round  my  head — they  appear  plain 
and  palpable  in  the  vista  of  the  future — buttons,  pockets, 
suspenders  and  all — vive  la  pantalons  !  The  other  morn- 
ing my  Pa  drew  forth  the  copies  of  the  Reveille  from 
his  book  case,  and  commenced  reading  them  for  Ma's 
amusement.  Suddenly  he  cast  his  eye  on  my  letters, 
and  straight  he  commenced  them — he  laughed,  and 
then  Ma  laughed,  and  then  I  crowed.     By  and  by,  as 


LETTERS  FROM  A  BABY.  171 

he  proceeded,  Ma  began  to  look  angry ;  she  cast  a 
glance  at  me,  and  then  her  conscience  smote  her — I 
was  wasted  to  a  shadow — on  went  Pa  with  the  letters  ; 
Ma  wept,  I  crowed,  and  nigger  Molly  gave  me  a  pinch 
— a  yell  followed  and  the  clouds  burst ! 

"  Give  me  that  child,  you  hateful  jade,  you ;  how  dare 
you  hurt  it  ?"  cried  Ma. 

"Please  God,  I  didn't  do  nuffin  ob  de  sort,  missus; 
I'd  do  any  thin  else,  missus,  dan  hurt  de  baby,"  an- 
swered Moll. 

"  Get  out  of  my  sight,  you  hussy !"  cried  my  enraged 
mamma  ;  "  you  have  nearly  killed  de  bessed  ittle  pet — 
mamma's  dear,  bess  its  heart — get  out  of  my  sight ;  if 
ever  you  touch  it  again,  I'll  punish  you  severely." 

Molly  fled,  Pa  chuckled  to  himself,  and  I  crowed 
again — I  tried  to  hurrah!  How  shall  I  describe  the 
change  which  stole  over  me,  body  and  spirit,  as,  nest- 
ling in  my  mother's  sweet  bosom  and  receiving  her  fond 
caress,  I  was  permitted  abundantly  to  drink  at  "  Nature's 
pure  fount,  which,  at  my  cry,  sent  forth  a  pearly  stream 
to  cherish  my  enamelled  veins."  A  sweet  sleep  visited 
my  pillow  again,  and  the  fond  endearments  which  waited 
on  my  waking  moments  were  life  and  joy  to  me.  My 
Ma,  now,  is  rapidly  improving  in  health — I,  of  course, 
will  grow  fat;  and  just  wait  until  I'm  able  to  wear  them 
breeches  and  beat  a  small  drum,  if  I  don't  visit  the 
Reveille  office  and  give  you  the  serenade  of  "  Oh,  be 
joyful,"  until  your  petrified  stump  will  execute  a  double 
shuffle,  then  say  my  name  aint  Bub. 


172  LETTERS  FROM  A  BABY. 


NO.    IV. BUB    FLOURISHING. 

Hello,  Drummers  :  —  Whoop  !  hey !  cock-a-doodle- 
doo-o-o !  If  I  aint  some  by  this  time  I  wouldn't  say 
so  !  You  remember  what  a  sickly  state  I  was  in  when 
I  commenced  telling  you  my  grievances  ?  —  how  my 
complaints  wrought  improvement  and  rescued  me  from 
nigger  Molly  ?  Well,  ever  since  then,  it's  a  surprise  to 
learn  the  way  my  body  has  spread — I'm  a  small  Lam- 
bert, and  have  got  six  teeth.  Aint  I  some  ?  Talk  of 
your  Missouriums! — only  look  at  me!  Well,  between 
you  and  me,  I  didn't  cut  them  teeth  for  nothing;  I  find 
a  fellow  don't  get  knowledge  without  paying  for  it ;  I 
suffered  in  teething,  but  I  learned  some.  Women  who 
pay  no  attention  to  their  babies,  envy  me  my  fat — I'm 
a  kind  of  living  rebuke  to  them,  and,  for  a  year  old,  I'm 
rather  a  heavy  rebuke.  They  every  now  and  then  say : 
"  Why,  bless  me,  Mrs.  T ,  you'll  kill  yourself  nurs- 
ing that  big  fat  child."  The  answer  they  get,  gene- 
rally, is,  «  Well,  it  will  get  killed  if  I  don't .'"  That's 
the  way  to  tell  it ! — bravo,  Ma  !      "  Well,  but,  Mrs. 

T ,  why  don't  you  let  Molly  relieve  you  of  such  a 

load  ?"  Ma  answers,  "  It's  because  Molly  nearly  re- 
lieved me.  of  him  altogether — he  would  have  died  from 
her  nursing."  That's  a  fact ! — hit  'em  again,  Ma.  «  My 
children,"  says  Mrs.  Nevernurse,  "  get  along  very  well 
without  me."  «  Yes,"  answered  Ma,  again,  "  you  have 
only  two  living  out  of  six."  That  was  a  wiper! — how 
she  twisted  her  face  at  it!  I  think  I'm  safe  enough, 
but  my  peace  is  sadly  troubled  with  fear  when  I  hear 
some  of  these  old  women  giving  Ma  advice.  It  would 
do  you  good  to  see  old  Molly  look  at  me,  now  and  then, 


LETTERS  FROM  A  BABY.  173 

saying,  with  her  big  eyes,  "  Well,  bress  de  Lord,  I'm 
clar  ob  dat  brat,  but  I  should  jis  like  to  hab  him  for  a 
a  week,  I'd  take  de  sassy  look  out  ob  his  face."  I'd 
like  to  try  my  six  new  teeth  on  her  black  hide. 

You  shall  have  that  serenade,  Drummers,  and  no 
mistake.  Bub. 


NO.    V. BUB    AGAIN    IN    DANGER. 

Gents : — How  oVye  do  9  I've  just  had  a  good  long 
pull  at  the  titty,  and  have  got  on  a  clean  warm  diaper ; 
and  feeling  pretty  comfortable,  I  think  I'll  give  you  an- 
other small  epistle.  I'm  going  to  get  into  trouble — I 
feel  it  in  my  bones.  My  Ma  has  quarreled  with  her  old 
physician,  and  has  employed  a  new  one,  young  Dr. 
Pliant — between  you  and  me,  I  think  they  should  have 
named  him  Verdant.  This  new  doctor  wants  to  please, 
so  anything  the  women  propose  is  exactly  right.     "  Don't 

you  think,  Doctor,"  says  one,  "  that  Mrs.  T will 

destroy  her  health,  nursing  that  fat  child?"  "Cer- 
tainly, maam,  most  unquestionably,  Mrs.  Helpalong ; 
the  strength  of  the  mother  being  inadequate  to  the 
sufficient  indevelopment  of  the  ponderous  system  of 
meat-gather-upon-its-bones-ativeness  of  the  infant,  it 
consequently  follows  that  the  fhin-down-to-a-light-alti- 
tudity  of  the  fill-up-and-get-strong-ative  powers  of  the 
mother  naturally  must  result."  "  I  thought  so,  Doc- 
tor," says  Mrs.  Helpalong,  and  this  clear-as-mud  evi- 
dence against  my  comfort  is  reiterated  to  my  mother. 
"Do  you  really  think,  Dr.  P.,  that  I  am  endangering 
my  health  ?"  "  That  aepends  upon  how  you  feel," 
says  the  doctor.     "Why,"  says  Ma,  "I  feel  as  well  as 


174  LETTERS  FROM  A  BABY. 

ever  I  did  in  my  life."  "  Your  system,  then,"  says  the 
doctor,  « is  what  we  call  in  the  south  sui  generis — that 
is,  you  can  stand  nursing,  and,  consequently,  the  babe 
having  a  tendency  to  the  natural  milk  which  surrepti- 
tiously flows,  I  might  say,  from  the  secretive  portion  of 
the  female  os  frontis  of  the  breast,  it  must  follow,  as  a 
result  from  these  multifarious  and  indigenous  effects, 
that  no  danger  can  ensue  from  your  nursing."  I'm  safe 
as  long  as  my  mother  keeps  in  good  health  ;  but  Lord 
bless  me,  should  she  get  ill,  I'm  a  gone  sucker — this 
new  physician  would  dose  her  and  me  into  kingdom 
come  in  about  a  week.  I  heard  quite  a  discussion  about 
his  merits  yesterday.  Mrs.  Enquiry  says  that  he  used 
to  be  a  fiddler  about  two  years  ago,  but  Mrs.  Helpalong 
says  it  is  no  such  thing — that  he  always  was  a  gentle- 
man, and  taught  school  before  he  took  up  the  profession 
— that  he  studied  regularly  a  whole  season,  and  took  his 
diploma  in  the  spring; — she  sticks  to  that,  Mrs.  Help- 
along  does,  and  I  guess  she  is  about  right.  Aint  my 
case  critical?  Bub. 


NO.  VI. BUB  S  RECEPTION  OF  A  SILVER  PAP  SPOON. 

Fm  here  again  : — Important  events  having  transpired 
since  I  last  wrote  to  you,  it  has  been  deemed  proper  to 
send  a  synopsis  of  them  to  you  for  publication,  in  order 
that  the  world  in  general  may  know  western  babies  are 
.907?ie,  and  when  well  nursed  a  good  deal  more  than 
some.  A  most  gratifying  reformation  has  been  effected 
in  certain  circles  by  my  letters,  and,  indeed,  wherever 
they  have  been  read,  nigger  nurses,  paregoric,  sucking- 
bottles,  coarse  diapers,  and  sundry  other  abuses  have 


LETTERS  FROM  A  BABY.  175 

entirely  disappeared.  The  effect  has  been  a  correspond- 
ing improvement  in  babies,  generally,  and  your  corres- 
pondent in  particular,  who  is  now  admitted  to  be  a 
whopping  child  for  a  small  family. 

On  last  Christmas,  a  number  of  our  parents  having 
met  together  to  celebrate  the  day,  all  of  us  youngsters 
were  put  into  the  nursery  together,  and  the  clatter  of 
discussion  which  followed  would  have  thrown  a  peevish 
nurse  into  hysterics.  Charley  Wilgus  proposed  that  a 
meeting  should  be  held  upon  the  spot,  and  a  silver  pap 
spoon  voted  to  me  for  my  able  letters  in  defence  of  in- 
fantile rights.  Asa  Keemle  seconded  the  motion,  and 
it  was  unanimously  carried.  Charley  Wilgus  was  there- 
upon chosen  chairman,  and  Asa  Keemle,  secretary.  The 
president  mounted  a  pillow,  and  called  the  meeting  to 
order  by  ringing  the  bells  on  his  coral.  On  motion,  a 
committee  was  then  appointed  to  draft  resolutions  ex- 
pressive of  the  sense  of  the  meeting,  and  the  following 
boys,  having  cut  their  eye-teeth,  were  selected  to  draft 
said  resolutions : 

Augustus  Vinton,  Edward  Shade,  John  Charless, 
Christopher  Wigery,  John  Dalrymple  and  Wallace  Fin- 
ney. 

The  committee  having  retired,  Colton  A.  Presbury, 
Jr.,  offered  the  following  resolution,  which  he  prefaced 
by  some  very  pertinent  remarks : 

Resolved,  That  cutting  teeth  is  a  sharp  operation,  and 
should  therefore,  be  deferred  until  maturity. 

Presbury  G.  A.  Colton,  a  little  fellow  who  had  just 
cut  his  first  "  double,"  opposed  this  resolution,  on  the 
ground  of  its  interfering  with  "  future  prospects," — he 
went  in  for  teeth  now,  and  the  cutting  to  come  being 
left  an  open  question.     The  resolution  was  rejected. 


176  LETTERS  FROM  A  BABY. 

Rucker  Smith  now  rose  to  address  the  meeting,  when 
some  objection  was  made  to  him  because  he  sucked 
milk  from  a  bottle ;  it  was,  however,  concluded  that  he 
might  address  the  chair  if  his  diaper  was  pinned  tight ; 
on  examination  he  was  permitted  to  proceed.  He  com- 
menced describing  the  horrors  of  a  cold  bath,  and  was 
interrupted  by  the  president,  who  informed  him  that  the 
subject  of  water  came  more  particularly  under  the  head 
of  streams,  and  could  not  then  be  entertained  by  the 
meeting.  He  then  proceeded  to  describe  the  delights 
of  a  sucking-bottle,  and  was  cried  down  by  the  unani- 
mous voice  of  the  meeting.  Some  one  now  commenced 
a  speech  against  paregoric,  whereupon  the  assembly, 
speaker  and  all,  went  immediately  to  sleep! 

They  were  aroused  from  their  slumber  by  the  return 
of  the  committee,  which,  through  their  chairman,  Au- 
gustus Vinton,  reported  the  following  resolutions : 

Resolved,  That  babies  are,  and  of  right  ought  to  be, 
natural-born  suckers. 

Resolved,  That  the  introduction  of  negro  nurses 
among  white  babies  was  a  dark  era  in  infantile  history. 

Resolved,  That  all  artificial  efforts,  in  regard  to  babies, 
are  no  go,  and  that  the  old  fashion  defies  the  ingenuity 
of  Yankeedom  to  improve  on  it. 

Resolved,  That  "  being  born  with  a  silver  spoon  in 
your  mouth"  is  a  good  thing,  but  an  unlimited  chance 
at  the  titty  is  a  better. 

Resolved,  That  all  anti-nursing  mothers  are  undeserv- 
ing of  lively  husbands. 

Resolved,  That  we  look  with  feelings  of  compassion 
upon  those  who  have  adopted  children. 

Resolved,  That  Bub  deserves  a  silver  pap  spoon,  and 
shall  have  one. 


SETH  TINDER'S  FIRST  COURTSHIP.  177 

These  resolutions  having  been  unanimously  adopted 
by  the  meeting,  it  was — 

On  motion  of  0.  M.  Ridgely,  seconded  by  Edward 
Shade,  adjourned.  A  general  call  was  now  made  for 
refreshments,  which  anxious  mothers  promptly  supplied 

Yours,  Bub. 


SETH  TINDER'S  FIRST  COURTSHIF 

HOW  HIS  FLAME  WAS  QUENCHED! 

You  knew  Seth  Tinder, — No? — "git  eout!" — you 
did  know  Seth,  every  body  knew  him,  and  they  couldn't 
help  it,  for  Seth  would  know  every  body.  He  was, 
perhaps,  the  "  cutest  critter,"  in  some  things,  that  ever 
calculated  the  success  of  a  notion  expedition,  and  he 
was  among  the  first  of  his  genus  that  ever  strayed,  on 
such  an  expedition,  as  far  west  as  St.  Louis.  If  you 
really  didn't  know  Seth,  it  is  time  your  ignorance  was 
enlightened. 

Seth  was  remarkably  cute  at  driving  a  bargain — that 
was  an  innate  propensity;  Seth  was  inquisitive,  and 
frequently  looked  into  hall  doors,  and  peeped  into 
kitchen  windows — that  was  Yankee  human  nature ; 
Seth  winked  at  the  girls — that  was  an  acquired  habit ; 
he  resolved  to  possess  one — that  was  a  calculation. 
Now,  this  winking  at  the  girls,  when  performed  by  a 
handsome  individual,  is  looked  upon  as  a  matter  of 
course ;  but  Seth  was  so  notoriously  ugly,  that  his  wink 
was  an  outrage,  and  his  overtures  of  love,  perfect 
atrocities.  His  short,  bow-legged  figure  was  thatched 
23 


178  seth  tinder's  first  courtship. 

with  the  most  obstinate  bunch  of  carroty  hair  that  ever 
bid  defiance  to  bear's  oil,  and  the  windows  of  his  mind 
as  the  eyes  are  poetically  styled,  appeared  looking  in- 
tently at  the  tip  of  his  nose,  as  if  apprehensive  that,  ere 
long,  it  would  burst  into  a  blaze.  A  kind  of  half-burnt- 
prairie  garnished  his  chin,  which  would  have  made  a 
very  warm  looking  goatee,  if  Seth  could  have  trans- 
planted it  all  to  one  spot;  but  there  lay  the  difficulty, 
for  though  cute  at  driving  a  bargain,  he  could  make 
none  with  nature — she  made  him  ugly  without  his  con- 
sent, and  wouldn't  agree  to  any  alteration.  Seth,  never- 
theless, wrould  wink  at  the  girls. 

His  first  tender  effort  was  made  upon  the  heart  of  a 
German  butcher's  fair,  fat,  rosy  daughter,  whose  round 
cheeks  and  well-fed  form  was,  to  his  eye,  the  very  per- 
fection of  female  beauty.  No  artificial  making  up  about 
her — no  exterior  padding,  it  was  all  done  naturally,  on 
the  inside.  As  she  luxuriated  upon  the  door  steps  of 
an  evening,  Seth  would  linger  near,  wink,  and  grin  all 
sorts  of  affection,  but,  like  all  bashful  swains,  hesitated 
about  coming  to  close  quarters.  He  had  imbibed  the 
erroneous  opinion,  that  all  true  courting  must  be  done 
clandestinely ;  but  all  his  hints  to  draw  his  inamorata 
into  a  secret  treaty,  was  a  failure.  At  length,  he  ven- 
tured in  a  desperate  manner  up  to  the  door  step,  and 
whispered  hurriedly : — 

"  Look  out— comin'  to  set  up  with  you  to-night — 
round  the  back  way — over  the  fence — be  a-waitin' !" 

"  You'd  petter  pe  ketch'd,"  was  the  fair  one's  re- 
joinder, accompanied  by  a  malicious  laugh,  which  Seth 
interpreted  as  an  approving  one. 

The  darkness  of  the  night  favored  Seth's  clandestine 
opinions  and  practice-  -it  was  just  the  thing  for  a  noc- 


*%y.*aL 


'They  found  their  trusty  ("entry  baulking  all  Seth's  effort?  to  retreat  OTer  the 
fence,  and  keeping  him  '  a  waitin !' '' — Page  173. 


SETH  TINDER'S  FIRST  COURTSHIP.  179 

tumal  visit ;  therefore,  agreeable  to  notice,  he  made  his 
appearance  at  the  fence,  round  the  back  way.  Leaning 
over  the  barrier,  he  ventured  to  sound  a  cautious  "  hist," 
which  was  immediately  answered  by  a  low  "  wou-ugh." 
That  must  be  Dutch  for  "  come,"  reasoned  Seth,  and 
straight  he  mounted  the  fence;  but  politician  never 
took  an  uneasier  seat  on  the  same  line  of  division  than 
he  enjoyed  on  the  present  occasion,  for,  no  sooner  had 
one  pedal  extremity  reached  the  other  side  and  placed 
him  fairly  astride,  than  a  remarkably  savage  dog  seized 
the  intruding  member,  with  a  fierce  "  wou-ugh-ugh- 
ucjh-u." 

"  Git  eout,  you  blasted  critter!"  shouted  Seth. 

"  Wou-ugh-ugh!"  roared  the  dog. 

A  struggle  ensued,  in  which  Seth,  unfortunately,  fell 
on  the  wrong  side,  right  into  the  jaws  of  his  antagonist. 
The  attitude  in  which  he  reached  terra  firma,  offered 
the  dog  a  change  of  grip,  and,  like  a  skilful  sentinel, 
he  seized  the  advantage  and  Seth's  seat  of  honor  at  the 
same  time.  Our  hero  sprang  nearly  erect,  with  a  howl 
more  like  his  antagonist  than  any  human  noise,  and  a 
desperate  struggle,  mingled  with  strange  cries,  aroused 
the  dozing  butcher  from  his  pipe,  and  the  fair  cause  of 
the  disturbance  from  her  knitting. 

"  Sum  tarn  rascal's  after  der  sausages  in  der  smoke 
haus !"  was  the  butcher's  first  exclamation ;  the  rosy 
daughter  smiled  assent,  and  "  arm  and  out,"  was  the 
work  of  an  instant.  They  found  their  trusty  sentry 
baulking  all  Seth's  efforts  to  retreat  over  the  fence,  and 
keeping  him  » a-waitin? "  when  he  would  hr.ve  given 
worlds  to  leave.  The  reinforcement  made  at  him  vith 
whip  and  broomstick,  and  this  terrible  odds  aromed 
him  to  superhuman  exertions; — with  a  "  maziler"  te 


ISO  THE  DEATH  STRUGGLE. 

floored  the  Dutchman  and  his  pipe,  charged  on  the 
flinty-hearted  daughter,  captured  her  broomstick,  beat 
a  parley  with  it  on  the  dog's  head,  and  retreated  over 
the  fence  with  "  flying  colors" — sticlcing  through  a  rent 
of  his  inexpressibles. 


THE  DEATH  STRUGGLE; 

OR,    THE   WAY    SMITH    DID    UP    JONES. 

You  all  knew  Smith — every  body  knew  Smith,  and 
Smith  was  known  by  every  body — consequently,  Smith 
was  considered  somebody.  A  body  is  supposed  to 
contain  a  soul ;  Smith's  body  not  only  contained  a  soul, 
but  certain  parts  of  Smith's  body  made  and  mended 
other  men's  soles.  Smith  was  enterprising,  industrious, 
and  won  thereby  the  sole  control  of  the  boot  and  shoe 
business  of  the  flourishing  town  of  Kipp.  Smith  was  a 
thriving  man,  a  persevering  man  ;  Smith  was,  in  fact,  a 
strip  of  upper-leather.  Just  about  the  time  of  his  greatest 
success,  when  the  tide  of  fortune  appeared  to  bear  upon 
its  surface  a  perfect  skin  of  Smith's  manufactured  high- 
lows,  and  earth  shook  beneath  the  tread  of  his  patent 
cork  soles,  along  came  Jones.  Strange  freak  of  fate ! 
Jones  was  an  adventurer, — a  desperate  adventurer, — a 
fellow  who  had  made  soles  his  study  and  upper  leather 
his  dream  ;  he  was  a  Napoleon  in  his  business,  and 
could  slash  calf-skin  into  a  killing  shape  for  pedal  ex- 
tremities; — in  short,  he  was  boot  No.  1,  both  in  the 
manufacture  and  sale  of  the  article.  In  Jones'  wander- 
ings along  the  streets  of  Kipp,  his  eye  fell  upon  the  broad 


THE  DEATH  STRUGGLE.  181 

sign  of  "Smith,  Fashionable  Boot  and  Shoe  Maker." 
There  was  something  prosperous  and  aristocratic  about 
it,  but,  at  the  "  Fashionable,"  Jones  turned  up  his  nose. 

"  Ox-hide  fashion,"  says  Jones,  "Good  common  ar- 
ticle, but  won't  sell  alongside  of  a  prime  one.  I'll  drive 
that  fellow,  Smith,  out  of  Kipp  town — have  it  all  to 
myself — do  a  smashing  business — re-sole  the  town — be- 
come upper-leather  in  the  community — president  of 
town  council — die  mayor  of  the  borough,  and  have  all 
my  own  manufactured  shoes  walking  at  my  funeral. — 
Lofty  thought,"  added  Jones. 

In  a  very  short  time,  upon  the  principal  street  in  Kipp, 
in  sight  of  Smith's,  out  swung  a  large  flag,  with  the 
name  of  "  Jones,  importer,  manufacturer,  and  patent 
leather  boot  and  shoe  artiste."  Smith  stared,  the  flag 
fluttered,  and  Jones  chuckled.  Customers  began  to  pa- 
tronise Jones,  and  the  flag  seemed  saucily  to  triumph,  as 
it  floated  upon  the  breeze  blowing  towards  Smith's  door. 
Smith  was  a  man  of  energy,  though,  and  out  came  his 
new  »  patent  gaiter  boot ;"  the  tide  turned  and  Smith 
was  again  in  the  ascendant.  Now  began  a  leather  war 
— Jones  up  and  Smith  down,  Smith  up  again  and  Jones 
down,  as  each  rival,  alternately,  brought  out  something 
new.  At  length,  one  bright  morning,  the  inhabitants  of 
Kipp,  who  had  taken  sides  in  the  contest,  were  astound- 
ed by  the  appearance  of  the  front  of  Smith's  store — it 
was  one  entire  sign,  from  the  pavement  to  the  roof. 
Jones  looked  blue,  the  flag  fluttered  like  a  tattered  rag. 
Smith  rose  in  importance — his  friends  felt  proud  of  him 
— it  was  a  Kipp  triumph  over  foreign  capital — the  Jones 
party  wavered  ! — not  so  Jones ;  his  great  mind  had  con- 
ceived a  stupendous  overthrow  for  Smith,  and  ere  ad- 
miration for  his  rival  had  settled  into  sure  success,  it 


182  THE  DEATH  STRUGGLE. 

was  diverted  to  himself.  An  immense  flag,  of  stone, 
with  his  name  in  large  letters,  was  scientifically  planted 
right  in  the  centre  of  Jones'  pavement. 

The  town  now  became  feverish  with  excitement,  and 
it  was  rumored  that  the  town  council  intended  to  con- 
sider the  matter — the  "  signs  of  the  times"  grew  alarming. 

Glorious  Smith ! — Smith  for  ever ! — unyielding  to  the 
last!  In  this  emergency,  when  the  horizon  seenred 
heavy  with  defeat,  when  a  vast  stone  seemed  to  press 
his  fortunes  into  the  earth,  Smith  arose,  Phoenix  like, 
"from  a  boot,"  and  gave  assurance  to  the  world  that 
he  was  no  common  leather.  Rapid  as  the  thought 
which  conceived  the  idea,  he  had  a  vast  boot  con- 
structed, placed  upon  a  post  in  front  of  his  door,  and 
with  a  sample  of  his  manufacture  in  each  hand,  he 
mounted  into  it,  to  exhibit  to  the  passers  by  not  only  a 
spectacle  of  indomitable  energy,  but  un-Jlag-gmg  per- 
severance. 

"  What  do  you  think  of  Smith  now  ?"  said  the  adhe- 
rents of  the  "  big  boot," — "  bravo,  Smith !"  shouted  the 
Kippites.  Here  was  a  climax  to  which  ingenuity  could 
discover  no  parallel,  it  was  indeed  the  ne  plus  ultra. 

Jones  put  his  hands  behind  his  coat-tails,  and  looked 
up  street  at  the  big  boot  and  its  tenant,  then  at  the  stone 
flag  beneath  his  feet,  and  his  countenance  settled  into  a 
calm  and  desperate  determination.  "I'll  do  it!"  ex- 
claimed he.  The  expression  was  caught  up  by  his 
friends,  wafted  through  the  town,  and  whispered  in 
each  dwelling,  until  the  excitement  and  expectation 
grew  painful.  Everybody  was  aching  to  see  what  Jones 
would  do. 

Jones  cut  out  a  capacious  pair  of  boots,  set  his  work- 
men at  them,  had  them  finished,  sent  every  living  soul 


WHO  ARE  THEY  ?  183 

away  from  his  shop  at  early  candle-light,  closed  it  up, 
and  all  remained  a  mystery  for  the  remainder  of  the 
niarht.  Morning  broke — astonishment  and  horror! — 
terrible  Jones  ! — triumphing  in  death !  He  had  drawn 
on  the  immense  boots,  fastened  them  by  suspenders 
across  his  shoulders,  and  then  suspended  himself  from 
the  flag-starT  right  over  the  flag-stone.  Beneath  him 
fluttered  a  postscript  attached  to  the  boots ;  its  substance 
was,  "Has  Smith  the  sole  to  imitate  this?"  Smith 
hadn't. 


"WHO  ARE  THEY?" 

A     QUESTION     OF     VITAL    IMPORT. 

How  often,  in  our  democratic  land,  the  query  which 
forms  our  caption  has  caused  the  aspirants  after  aristo- 
cratic distinction  to  shudder,  and  how  silent  become 
their  voices  of  high  pretension,  when,  by  some  unfortu- 
nate remark,  or  the  recalling  of  some  reminiscence, 
they  have  been  forced  to  take  a  retrospective  glance 
into  the  past  for  a  few  generations.  Happy  are  they  if 
memory  does  not  wake  up  a  sturdy  ancester  pound- 
ing the  leather  upon  his  lapstone,  or  that  necessary 
craftsman,  the  tailor,  plying  his  busy  needle  upon  the 
shop-board.  The  morbid  desire  of  us  republicans  to 
be  ignorant  of  the  vulgar  callings  of  life,  is  often  very 
amusing;  and  the  struggles  to  rake  up  a  pedigree,  to 
give  character  to  growing  prosperity,  has  often  caused 
more  trouble  and  vexation  than  the  building  up  of  a 
fortune,  which  it  was  necessary  thus  to  adorn. 


184  WHO  AKE  THEY? 

"Who  are  they?"  was  the  general  query  at  a  soiree 
given  by  a  high  United  States'  officer,  at  the  city  of 
Washington,  a  short  period  previous  to  the  death  of  the 
lamented  General  Harrison.  The  parties  who  called 
forth  the  query  were  a  western  member  of  congress  and 
his  highly  gifted  lady.  The  member  was  in  the  prime 
of  life,  of  acknowledged  talents  in  his  profession,  and 
betrayed,  in  his  manners,  the  high  breeding  of  a  gentle- 
man. A  conscious  power  lent  ease  to  his  frankness, 
and  the  men  of  the  west  clustered  around  him  with 
pride.  His  lady,  simply  attired,  attracted  all  eyes ;  her 
distingue  figure  and  intellectual  face  proclaimed  her  a 
peerless  woman,  and  when  she  smiled  a  ray  of  heaven's 
own  light  beamed  forth  from  human  eyes.  There  was 
a  kindness  in  her  smile  which  won  hearts  before  they 
knew  her ;  there  was  no  hollow  mockery  in  it ;  it  came 
forth  from  a  happy  heart,  and  where  its  influence  fell, 
good  feelings  sprung  up  and  sweet  thoughts  clustered ; 
but — Who  is  she  ?  Ah,  that's  the  question  ;  and  how 
often  the  inquiry  was  passed  from  lip  to  lip  during  that 
evening!  Amid  the  throng  in  which  they  moved,  and 
wherever  they  lingered,  an  admiring  coterie  surrounded 
them.  The  husband  was  a  strong  man  in  the  political 
world ;  had  accepted  a  seat  in  congress  more  to  gratify 
his  friends  than  in  accordance  with  his  own  wishes,  and 
his  party  felt  strengthened  by  his  presence.  His  lady, 
ever  distinguished  at  home,  was  now  creating  no  small 
sensation  at  Washington  ;  but — "who  are  they?"  That 
all-absorbing  question  remained  unanswered,  even  to 
the  close  of  the  evening,  and  they  departed,  leaving  it 
still  an  "  open  question." 

Judge  W.  had  been  seen  conversing  very  familiarly 
with  them,  and  an  anxious  company  soon  surrounded 


WHO  ARE  THEY  ?  185 

him,  uttering  the  query,  «  Who  are  they  ?"  He  informed 
them,  that  it  was  Mr.  H.  and  his  wife,   Mrs.  H.,  of 

M .     "  Oh !  they  all  knew  that,  but  what  was  their 

family  ?" 

"  Upon  my  life,  ladies,"  answered  the  good-natured 
Judge,  "  I  don't  know ;  but  if  you  will  only  wait  until 
to-morrow  evening,  I  will  endeavor  to  find  out." 

The  task  of  postponing  curiosity,  though  difficult, 
was,  nevertheless,  unavoidable  ;  and  the  party  broke  up 
with  a  living  hope,  that  ere  another  day  had  ended,  the 
important  query  would  be  solved. 

"  Who  are  you  ?  H.,"  said  the  Judge  to  his  friend 
the  next  day,  as  they  sat  conversing  together  in  H.'s 
parlor. 

"  Well,  that  is  a  hard  question,  Judge,"  replied  H. — 
"  but  perhaps  Mary  can  answer  that  question  better  than 
I  can ;"  and  calling  his  wife  away  from  a  boquet  of 
flowers  which  she  was  arranging  in  a  vase  ;  he  took  her 
hand  in  his,  as  she  leaned  affectionately  over  his  shoulder, 
and  repeated  the  inquiry — Who  am  I,  Mary? — the  Judge 
wishes  to  know." 

"  I  think  I  can  inform  you,  Judge,"  replied  the  wife, 
"for  he  is  not  a  whit  changed  since  the  day  he  taught 
me  my  first  lesson  in  the  <  free  school'  of  L.  He  is 
Henry  H. — formerly  assistant  teacher  in  a  down-east 
free  school,  and  now,  the  Hon.  Henry  H.,  of  M. ;  more- 
over, the  husband  of  Mary  H.,  formerly  a  factory  girl  in 
that  same  town,  but  now,  I  need  not  tell  you,  Judge, 
the  Hon.  Mrs.  H.,  also  of  M. ;  I  have  really  become 
quite  enamored  of  this  title." 

"It  is  true,  Judge,"  continued  Mr.  H.,  "I  first  be- 
held Mary  at  zfree  school,  taught  her  her  first  lesson, 
learned  another  from  her  eyes,  and  never  became  satis- 


186  WHO  ARE  THEY  ? 

fied  until  I  possessed  the  book,  that  throughout  life  I 
might  continue  to  peruse  the  beauties  of  the  page.  But 
come,  Judge, — now  that  you  have  traced  our  pedigree, 
give  some  account  of  yourself;  from  what  ancient  stock 
have  you  sprung? — Who  are  you  ?" 

"I  am  the  son  of  Adam!"  (a  laugh  here  inter- 
rupted him,)  "  not  the  Adam  spoken  of  in  the  Bible ;  1 
mean  old  Adam  W.,  a  shoemaker  of  Albany,  who  once 
used  his  stirrup  rather  lavishly  upon  me,  and  for  which 
good  office,  I  left  him  one  fine  morning,  without  bid- 
ding good  by.  I  will  not  relate  to  you  the  many 
changes  of  fortune  which  befel  me,  until  I  found  myself 
upon  the  bench,  in  a  United  States'  court,  instead  of  the 
bench  in  my  father's  shop.  Suffice  it  to  say,  that  my 
good  parent,  until  his  dying  day,  expressed  the  opinion 
that  it  was  a  good  thing  I  took  to  the  law  early,  for  I 
was  fit  for  no  useful  purpose." 

At  Secretary  E.'s  on  the  next  evening,  a  crowd  sur- 
rounded the  Judge,  but  all  wore  upon  their  countenances 
an  air  of  incredulity — the  Judge's  story  of  the  "  factory 
girl"  "  wouldn't  go  down." 

"It's  a  fact,  ladies,"  said  the  Judge;  "just  about 
the  time  I  was  learning  to  make  shoes  these  people  were 
in  the  situations  I  tell  you." 

They  all  pronounced  the  Judge  a  wag,  and  would 
not  believe  the  story.  A  matron,  more  resolved  than 
her  friends  to  sift  the  truth  of  the  matter,  applied  to  Mrs. 
H.,  herself,  and  told  her  what  a  Jib  the  Judge  had  been 
telling  them. 

"  I  assure  you  it  is  true,"  replied  Mrs.  H. 

"  Yes,  but  my  dear,  the  best  of  families  have  been 
reduced,"  says  Mrs.  Enquiry,  "  you  are,  no  doubt, 
descended  from  the  'Pilgrim  Fathers.'  " 


WHO  ARE  THEY  ?  1S7 

»  I  have  every  reason  to  believe  so,"  answered  Mrs.  H. 

« I  told  you  so,"  said  Mrs.  Enquiry,  exultingly,  to 
her  circle  of  acquaintances  ;  »  she  is  a  daughter  of  one 
of  the  'Pilgrim  Fathers.'  " 

The  wheels  of  government,  which  had  well  nigh 
ceased  to  move  during  the  pendency  of  this  important 
question,  received  a  new  impetus  from  the  intelligence, 
and  the  republic  was  pronounced  "  out  of  danger," 
for  its  "  heads  of  wisest  censure"  had  discovered  who 
they  were  ! — 


THE  END. 


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Vtvia.     The  Secret  of  Power. 

Two  volumes,  paper  cover.  Price  One 
Dollar  ;  or  one  volume,  cloth,  for  SI. 25. 

India.  The  Pearl  of  Pearl 
River.  Two  vols., paper  cover.  Price 
One  Dollar  ;  or  bound  in  cloth,  $1.25. 

The  "Wife's  Victory.  Two  vol- 
umes, paper  cover.  Price  One  Dollar  ; 
or  bound  in  one  volume,  cloth,  $1.25. 

The  Lost  Heiress.  Two  volumes, 
paper  cover.  Price  One  Dollar ;  or 
bound  in  one  volume,  cloth,  for  $1.25. 

The  Missing  Bride.  Two  vol- 
umes, paper  cover.  Price  One  Dollar  ; 
or  bound  in  one  volume,  cloth,  $1.25. 


Retrihntion  :  A  Tale  of  Pas- 
sion. Two  vols.,  paper  cover.  Price 
One  Dollar  ;  or  in  one  vol.,  cloth,  $1.25. 

The  Curse  of  Clifton.  Two  vols., 
paper  cover.  Price  One  Dollar  ;  or 
bound  in  one  volume,  cloth,  $1.25. 

The  Discarded  Daughter. 
Two  volumes,  paper  cover.  Price  One 
Dollar  ;  or  one  volume,  cloth,  for  $1.25. 

The  Deserted  Wife.  Two  vols., 
paper  cover.  Price  One  Dollar  ;  or 
bound  in  one  vol.,  cloth,  for  $1.25. 

The     Belle     of    Washington. 

Two  volumes,  paper  cover.  Price  One 
Dollar ;  or  in  cloth,  for  $1.25. 

The  Initials.  A  Love  Story  of 
Modern  Life.  Two  vols.,  paper 
cover.  Price  $1.00  ;  or  in  one  volume, 
cloth,  $1.25. 

The  Dead  Secret.  Two  volumes, 
paper  cover.  Pnce  One  Dollar;  or 
bound  in  one  volume,  CiOth,  for  $1.25. 

Kate  Aylesford.  Two  volumes, 
paper  cover.  Price  One  Dollar ;  or 
bound  in  one  volume,  cloth,  for  $1.25. 


The  whole  of  the  above  are  also  published  in  very  fine  style,  bound  in  fall  Crimson, 

gilt  edges,  sides,  backs,  etc. ,  making  elegant  presentation  books.    Price  $2.00  a  copy. 

JAS.    A.  MAITLAIVD'S    GREAT    WORKS. 

volumes,  paper  cover.     Price  Odb  Dol- 
lar; or  in  one  vol.,  cloth,  for  $1.25. 


Sartaroe.     A  Tale  of  Norway. 

Highly  recommended  by  Washington 
Irving.  Complete  in  two  volumes,  pa- 
percover.  Price  One  Dollar  :  or  bound 
in  one  volume,  cloth,  for  $1.25. 

The  Watchman.  Complete  in  two 
larye  vols.,  paper  cover.  Price  One 
Dollar  ;  or  in  one  volume,  cloth,  $1.25. 

The  Wanderer.     Complete  in  two 


The  Diary  of  an  Old  Doctor. 

Complete  in  two  vols.,  paper  cover. 
Price  One  Dollar  ;  or  in  cloth,  $1.25. 

The    Lawyer's    Story;   or,  The 

Orphan's  Wrongs.  Two  vols.,  paper 
cover.  Price  One  Dollar  ;  or  bound  in 
one  volume,  cloth,  for  $1.25. 


IV.   H.    MAXWELL'S    WOKS. 


Stories  of  Waterloo.     One  of  the 

best  books  in  the  English  language. 
Complete  in  one  large  octavo  volume. 
Price  Fifty  cents. 

(2) 


Brian  O'Lynn;  or,  Luck  is  Every- 
thing.    Price  50  cents. 

Wild  Sports  in  the  West. 
One  volume.     Price  60  cents. 


T.  B.  PETERSON  &  BROTHERS'  PUBLICATIONS.    3 


MRS.  CAROLINE  LEE  HENTZ'S  WORKS. 


The  Lost  Daughter;  and  Other 
Stories  of  the  Heart.  (Just  published.) 
Two  volumes,  paper  cover.  Price  One 
Dollar ;  or  in  one  vol.,  cloth,  for  $1.25. 

Planter's  Northern  Bride. 
Beautifully  Illustrated.  Two  volumes, 
paper  cover,  600  pages.  Price  One  Dol- 
lar ;  or  in  one  volume,  cloth,  for  $1.25. 

Linda.  Tlie  Young  Pilot  of 
the  Belle  Creole.  Two  volumes, 
paper  cover.  Price  One  Dollar ;  or 
bound  in  one  volume,  cloth,  for  $1.25. 

Rolsert  Graham.  The  Sequel  to, 
and  Continuation  of  Linda.  Two  vols., 
paper  cover.  Price  One  Dollar ;  or 
bound  in  one  volume,  cloth,  for  $1.25. 

Courtship  and  Marriage.  Two 

volumes,  paper  cover.     Price  One  Dol- 
lar ;  or  one  volume,  cloth,  for  $1.25. 


Rena;    or,    The     Snow    Bird. 

Two  vols,  paper  cover.  Price  One  Dol- 
lar ;  or  in  one  vol.,  cloth,  for  $1.25. 

Marcus  Warland.  Two  volumes, 
paper  cover.  Price  One  Dollar ;  or 
bound  in  one  volume,  cloth,  for  $1.25. 

Love  after  Marriage.  Two  vols., 
paper  cover.  Price  One  Dollar ;  or 
bound  in  one  vol.,  cloth,  for  $1.25. 

Eoline;    or,    Magnolia   "Vale. 

Two  vols.,  paper  cover.  Price  One 
Dollar  ;  or  in  one  vol.,  cloth,  for  $1.25. 

The  Banished  Son.  Two  vols., 
paper  cover.  Price  One  Dollar ;  or 
bound  in  one  vol.,  cloth,  for  $1.25. 

Helen  and  Arthur.  Two  vols., 
paper  cover.  Price  One  Dollar ;  or 
bound  in  one  vol.,  cloth,  for  $1.25. 


The  whole  of  the  above  are  also  published  in  a  very  fine  style,  bound  in  full 
Crimson,  with  gilt  edges,  full  gilt  sides,  gilt  backs,  etc.,  making  them  the  best  books 
for  presentation,  at  the  price,  published.   Price  of  either  one  in  this  style,  $2.00  a  copy. 

MISS    PARDOE'S    WORKS. 


Confessions  of  a  Pretty  Wo- 
man. By  Miss  Pardoe.  Complete 
in  one  large  octavo  volume.  Price  50 
cents. 

The  Jealous  Wife.  ByMissPar- 
doe.  Complete  in  one  large  octavo 
volume.     Price  Fifty  cents. 

The  Wife's  Trials.  By  Miss  Par- 
doe.  Complete  in  one  large  octavo 
volume.     Price  Fifty  cents. 

The    Rival   Beauties.    By  Miss 


MRS. 


Pardoe.     Complete  in  one  large  octavo 
volume.    Price  Fifty  cents. 
Romance    of  the    Harem.    By 

Miss  Pardoe.     Complete  in  one  large 
octavo  volume.    Price  Fifty  cents. 

The  whole  of  the  above  Five  works  are 

also  bound  in  cloth,  gilt,  in  one  large 

octavo  volume.     Price  $2.50. 

The     Adopted     Heir.     By    Miss 

Pardoe.  Two  vols.,  paper  cover.    Price 

$1.00 ;   or  in  cloth,  $1.25.     {In  Press.) 

ANN   S.   STEPHENS'  WORKS. 


Mary  Derwent.  This  is  Mrs.  Ann 
S.  Stephens'  last  new  work.  Complete 
in  two  volumes,  paper  cover.  Price 
One  Dollar  ;  or  in  one  vol.,  cloth,  $1.25. 

Fashion  and  Famine.  Two  vol- 
umes, paper  cover.  Price  One  Dollar ; 
or  in  one  volume,  cloth,  for  $1.25. 


The  Old  Homestead.  Two  vol- 
umes, paper  cover.  Price  One  Dollar  ; 
or  in  one  volume,  cloth,  for  $1.25. 

The  Gipsy's  Legacy;  or,  the 
Heiress  of  Greenhurst.  Two 
volumes,  paper  cover.  Price  One  Dol- 
lar ;  or  in  one  volume,  cloth,  for  $1.25. 


COOK    BOOKS.      BEST    IN    THE    WORLD. 


Miss  Leslie's  New  Cookery 
Book.  Being  the  largest,  best,  and 
most  complete  Cook  Book  ever  got  up 
by  Miss  Leslie.  Now  first  published. 
One  volume.     Price  $1.25. 

Mrs.  Hale's  New  Cook  Book. 

By  Mrs.  Sarah  J.  Hale.     One  volume, 
bound.    Price  One  Dollar. 


Miss  Leslie's  New  Receipts 
for  Cooking.  Complete  in  one 
large  volume,  bound.  Price  One 
Dollar. 

Widdifield's  New  Cook  Book, 
or,  Practical  Receipts  for  the  House- 
wife. Recommended  by  all.  One  vol- 
ume, cloth.     Price  One  Dollar. 


MRS.  HALE'S  RECEIPTS. 
Mrs.  Hale's  Receipts  for  the 
Million.  Containing  Four  Thou- 
sand Five  Hundred  and  Forty-five  Re- 
ceipts, Facts,  Directions,  and  Know- 
ledge  for   Ail,  in  the    Useful,  Orna- 


mental, and  Domestic  Arts.  Being  a 
complete  Family  Directory  and  House- 
hold Guide  for  the  Million.  By  Mrs. 
Sarah  J.  Hale.  One  volume,  800  pages, 
strongly  beund.     Price,  $1-25. 


4    T.  B.  PETERSON  &  BROTHERS'  PUBLICATIONS. 


CHARLES    LEVER'S   WORKS. 

All  neatly  done  up  in  paper  covers. 


Charles  O'Malley,. Price  50  cents. 

Harry    Loriequer, 50      " 

Horace    Templeton,...    50      " 
Tom   Burke  of  Ours,    50      " 
Jack       Ilinton,       the 
Guardsman, 50     " 


Arthur  O'Leary,... Price  50  cents. 

Knight  of  Gwynne,..  50  " 

Kate    O'Donoghue,...,  50  " 
Con.  Cregan,  the  Irish 

Gil  Bias, 50  " 

Davenport     Dunn,     a 

Man  of  our  Day, 50  " 


A  complete  sett  of  the  above  will  be  sold,  or  sent  to  any  one,  to  any  place,  free 
of  postage,  for  $4.00. 

LIBRARY    EDITION. 
THIS  EDITION  is  complete  in  FOUR  large  octavo  volumes,  containing  Charles 
O'Malley,  Harry  Lorrequer,  Horace  Templeton,  Tom  Burke  of  Ours,  Arthur  O'Leary, 
Jack  Hintonthe  Guardsman,  The  Knight  of  Gwynne,  Kate  O'Donoghue,  etc.,  hand- 
somely printed,  and  bound  in  various  styles,  as  follows : 

Price  of  a  sett  in  Black  cloth, $6.00 

"  "        Scarlet  cloth, G.50 

"  "        Law  Library  sheep, 7.00 

"  "        Half  Calf, 9.00 

"  "        Half  Calf,  marbled  edges,  French, 10.00 

"  "        Half  Calf,  antique, 12.00 

FINER    EDITIONS. 

Charles  O'Malley,  fine  edition,  one  volume,  cloth, $1.50 

"  «  Half  calf, 2.00 

Harry  Lorrequer,  fine  edition,  ODe  volume,  cloth, 1.50 

"  "  Half  calf, 2.00 

Jack  Hinton,  fine  edition,  one  volume,  cloth 1.50 

"  "  Half  calf, 2.00 

Valentine  Vox,  fine  edition,  one  volume,  cloth, 1.50 

"  «  Half  calf, 2.00 

"  M  cheap  edition,  paper  cover, 50 

Ten  Thousand  a  Year,  fine  edition,  one  volume,  cloth, 1.50 

"  "         Half  calf, 2.00 

"  '*         cheap  edition,  paper  cover.  Two  volumes, 1.00 

Diary  of  a  Medical  Student.      By  S.  C.  Warren,  author  of  "Ten 
Thousanda  Year. "    One  volume,  octavo, 58 

HUMOROUS    ILLUSTRATED    WORKS. 


Major  Jones'  Courtship  and 
Travels.  Beautifully  illustrated. 
One  volume,  cloth.    Price  $1.25. 

Major  Jones'  Scenes  in  Geor- 
gia. Full  of  beautiful  illustrations. 
One  volume,  cloth.     Price  $1.25. 

Sam  Slick,  the    Clockmaker. 

By  Judge  Haliburton.  Illustrated. 
Being  the  best  funny  work  ever  writ- 
ten by  any  one  in  this  vein.  Two  vols., 
paper  cover.  Price  One  Dollar ;  or 
bound  in  one  volume,  cloth,  for  $1.25. 

Simon  Suggs'  Adventures 
and  Travels.  Illustrated.  One 
volume,  cloth.     Price  $1.25. 

Humors  of  Falconbridge.  Two 

volumes,  paper  cover.  Price  One  Dol- 
lar ;  or  one  vol.,  cloth,  for  $1.2.3. 

frank     Forester's     Sporting 


Scenes  &•  Characters.  Illus 
trated.     Two  vols.,  cloth.     Price  $2.50, 

Dow's  Short  Patent  Sermons. 
First    Series.      By   Dow,    Jr. 

Containing  128  Sermons.  Complete  in 
one  volume,  cloth,  for  One  Dollar  ;  or 
paper  cover,  75  cents. 

Dow's  Short  Patent  Sermons. 
Second    Series.     By  Dow,  Jr. 

Containing  144  Sermons.  Complete  in 
one  volume,  cloth,  for  One  Dollar  ;  or 
paper  cover,  75  cents. 

Dow's  Short  Patent  Sermons. 
Third  Series.  By  Bow,  Jr. 
Containing  116  Sermons.  Complete  in 
one  volume,  cloth,  for  One  Dollar;  or 

I  paper  cover,  75  cents. 

American  Joe  Miller.  With  100 
Illustrations.  One  of  the  most  humor- 
ous books  in  the  world.    Price  25  cents. 


T.  B.  PETERSON  &  BROTHERS'  PUBLICATIONS.    5 

CHARLES    DICKENS'    WORKS. 

Fourteen  Different  Editions  in  Octavo  Form. 
"PETERSON'S"  are  the  only  complete  and  uniform  editions  of  Charles  Dickens' 
Works  ever  published  in  the  world  ;  they  are  printed  from  the  original  London  Edi- 
tions, and  are  the  only  editions  published  in  this  country.  No  library,  either 
public  or  private,  can  be  complete  without  having  in  it  a  complete  sett  of  the 
works  of  this,  the  greatest  of  all  living  authors.  Every  family  should  possess  a 
eett  of  one  of  the  editions.  The  cheap  edition  is  complete  in  Sixteen  Volumes, 
paper  cover  ;  either  or  all  of  which  can  be  had  separately,  as  follows : 


liittle  Dorrit, Price  50  cents. 

Pickwick  Papers, 50  " 

Dickens'  New  Stories,  50  " 

Bleak  House, 50  " 

David  CopperJfield, 50  " 

Domfeey   and  Son, 50  " 

Nicholas  Nickleby, 50  " 

Christmas   Stories, 50  " 

Martin  Chuzzlewit,....  50  " 


Barnaby  Rudge,... Price  50  cents. 

Old  Curiosity   Shop,....  50  " 

Sketches  tay  <«Boz," 50  " 

Oliver   Twist, 50  " 

The  Two  Apprentices,  25  " 
Wreck  of  the  Golden 

Mary, 25  " 

Perils  of  certain  En- 
glish Prisoners, 25  " 


A  complete  sett  of  the  above  Sixteen  books,  will  be  sold,  or  sent  to  any  one,  to  any 
place,  free  of  postage,  for  $6.00. 


LIBRARY    OCTAVO    EDITION. 

Published  in  Seven  Different  Styles. 

This  Edition  is  complete  in  SIX  very  large  octavo  volumes,  with  a  Portrait  on  steel 

of  Charles  Dickens,  containing  the  whole  of  the  above  works,  handsomely  printed 

and  bound  in  various  styles. 

Vol.  1  contains  Pickwick  Papers  and  Curiosity  Shop. 

«      a      do.       Oliver    Twist,    Sketches   hy    "  Boz,"   and  Bar- 
natty  Rudge. 

(i      3       do.       Nicholas  Nicklehy,  and  Martin  Chuzzlewit. 
"      A      do.       David     Copperfield,     Dombey     and     Son,    and 

Christmas  Stories. 
«      5       do.       Bleak  House,  and  Dickens'  New  Stories. 
<«      6      do.       liittle  Dorrlt.    In  two  books — Poverty  and  Riches. 

Price  of  a  sett,  in  Black  cloth, $9.00 

"  Scarlet  cloth,  extra 10.00 

"  Law  Library  style, 11.00 

"  Half  Turkey,  or  Half  Calf, 13.00 

"  Half  calf,  marbled  edges,  French, 14.50 

"  Half  calf,  real  ancient  antique,.. 18.00 

"  Half  calf,  full  gilt  backs,  etc 18.00 


ILLUSTRATED    OCTAVO    EDITION. 

THIS  EDITION  IS  IN  THIRTEEN  VOLUMES,  and  is  printed  on  very  thick 
and  fine  white  paper,  and  is  profusely  illustrated  with  all  the  original  Illustrations 
by  Cruikshank,  Alfred  Crowquill,  Phiz,  etc.,  from  the  original  London  editions,  on 
copper,  steel,  and  wood.  Each  volume  contains  a  novel  complete,  and  may  be  had 
In  complete  setts,  beautifully  bound  in  cloth,  for  Nineteen  Dollars  a  sett ;  or  any 


RARE  BOOK 
COLLECTION 


THE  LIBRARY  OE  THE 
UNIVERSITY  OF 
NORTH  CAROLINA 
AT 
CHAPEL  HILL 
PS2246 
.L36 
S9 
1858 


ft- 1  ™^±^J^J^^^  I 

The  Books  on  this  Fags  are  the  Best  and  Latest  Publications  by 

the  most  Popular  and  Celebrated  Writers  in  the  World.     They  are 

also  the  most  Readable  and  Entertaining  Books  published. 

Suitable  for  the  Parlor,  Litrary,  Sitting-Room^  Railroad,  Steamboat,  or  Chamkr  Reading. 

PUBLISHED    AND     FOR     SALE     BY 

T.  B    PETERSON  &  BROTHERS,  PHILADELPHIA. 

CHARLES    DICKENS'    WORKS. 

Twenty^Nine  Different  Editions. 
"PETERSON'S"  are  the  only  complete  and  uniform  editions  ol  Charles  Dickens' 
Works  ever  published  in  the  world  ;  they  are  printed  from  the  original  London  Edi- 
tions, and  are  the  only  editions  published  in  this  country.  No  library,  either 
public  or  private,  can  be  complete  without  having  in  it  a  complete  sett  of  the 
works  of  this,  the  greatest  of  all  living  authors.  Every  family  should  possess  a 
sett  of  one  of  the  editions.     The  cheap  edition  is  published  as  follows: 


Ijittle  Dorrit, Price  50  cents. 

Pickwick  Papers, 50  " 

Dickens'  JVew  Stories,  00  " 

Bleak  House, 50  " 

David  Copperfield, CO  " 

Dombey   ami   Son, 50  " 

Nicholas  Nickleby, 50  " 


Christmas  Stories, Price  50  cents. 
Martin  Chuzzlewitj....  50     " 

Barnaby  Rudge, 50     " 

Old  Curiosity   Shop,....  50     " 

Sketches  hy  "Box," 50     " 

Oliver    Twist, 50      " 


LIBRARY    OCTAVO     EDITION. 

This  Edition  is  complete  in  SIX  very  large  octavo  volumes,  with  a  Portrait  on  steel 
of  Charles  Dickens,  containing  all  of  the  above  works,  bound  in  various  styles. 

Price  of  a  sett,  in  Black  cloth _ $9.00 

"  Scarlet  cloth,  extra, 10.00 

"  Law  Library  style, 11.00 

"  Half  Turkey,  or  Half  Calf, 13.00 

"  Half  calf,  marbled  edges,  French, 14.50 

"  Half  calf,  real  ancient  antique, „.  1S.00 

"  Half  calf,  full  gilt  backs,  etc 18.00 

<©*• 

ILLUSTRATED    OCTAVO    EDITION. 

THIS  EDITION  IS  IN  THIRTEEN  VOLUMES,  and  is  printed  on  very  thick 
and  fine  white  paper,  and  is  profusely  illustrated  with  all  the  original  Illustrations 
by  Cruikshank,  Alfred  Crowquill,  Phiz,  etc.,  from  the  original  London  editions,  on 
copper,  steel,  and  wood.  Each  volume  contains  a  novel  complete,  and  may  be  had 
separately,  beautifully  bound  in  cloth.     Price  One  Dollar  and  Fifty  cents  each. 

Price  of  a  6ett,  in  Black  cloth,  in  Thirteen  volumes, $19.00 

"  Full  Law  Library  style, 26.00 

"  Half  calf,  or  half  Turkey, 29.00 

"  Half  calf,  marbled  edges,  French, 32.50 

"  Half  calf,  ancient  antique, 39.00 

"  Half  calf,  full  gilt  backs,  etc 39.00 

q)  Copies  of  any  of  the  above  Works  will  be  sent  by  Mail  to  any  one,  Free  (r> 
*\  of  Postage,  on  mailing  the  Price  in  a  letter  to  Peterson  &  Brothers. 

~  5v /G  ' 


®G£ 


PETERSON  &  BROTHERS'  PUBLICATIONS. 


The  Books  on  this  Page  are  the   Best    and   Latest    Publications  by 

the  most  Popular  and  Celebrated  Writers  in  the  World.     They  are 

also  the  most  Readable  and  Entertaining  Books  published. 

Suitable  for  the  Parlor,  Litrary,  Sitting-Room,  Railroad,  Steamboat,  or  Chamber  Reading. 

PUBLISHED     AND     FOR     SALE     BY 

T.  B.  PETERSON   &  BROTHERS,   PHILADELPHIA. 

DUODECIMO     ILLUSTRATED     EDITION     OF 
CHARLES    DICKENS'    WORKS. 
The  Editions  in  Duodecimo  form  are  beautifully  Illustrated  with  over  Fire  Hun- 
dred Steel  and  Wood  Illustrations,   from    designs  l>y  Crnikshauk,   Phiz,  Leech, 
Browne,  Maclise,  etc.,  illustrative  of  the  best  scenes  in  each  work,  makiug  it  the 
most  beautiful  and  perfect  edition  in  the  world.     This  edition  of  Dickens'  Works 
is  now  published  complete,  eutire,  and   unabridged,  in  Twenty-five  beautiful  vol- 
umes, and  supplies  what  has  long  been  wanted,  an  edition  that  shall  combine  the 
advantages  of  portablo  size,  large  aud   readable  type,  and   uniformity  with  other 
standard  English  authors.     This  edition  is  sold  in  setts,  in  various  styles  of  bind- 
ing, or  any  work  can  be  had   separately,   handsomely  bound  in  cloth,  in  two 
Yolumes  each.    Price  Oue  Dollar  and  Twenty-Five  cents  a  volnme. 
Price  of  ft  sett  in  Twenty-Five  volumes,  bound  in  Black  cloth,  gilt  backs,.. ..$30. 00 

"  "         Full  Law  Library  style 40.00 

"  "  Scarlet,  lull  gilt,  sides,  edges,  etc. 4.0.00 

"  "         llalfcalf,  ancient  antique, : 60.00 

"  "  Half  calf,  full  gilt  back 60.00 

"  "  Full  calf,  ancient  antique, 7:0.00 

"  "         Full  calf,  gilt  edges,  backs,  etc., 75.00 

PEOPLE'S     DUODECIMO     EDITION. 

This  Duodecimo  edition  is  complete  in  Thirteen  volumes,  of  uear  One  Thousand 
pages  each,  with  two  illustrations  to  each  volume,  and  contains  all  the  reading 
matter  that  is  in  the  Illustrated  Edition,  printed  from  large  typo,  leaded.  The 
volumes  are  sold  separately,  in  cloth,  price  One  Dollar  and  Fifty  cents  each. 

Price  of  a  sett,  in  Black  cloth, iJlD.OO 

"  "         Full  Law  Library  style 24.00 

"  "         llalfcalf,  or  half  Turkey 20.00 

"  "         Half  calf,  marbled  edges,  French, 2S.00 

"  "         llalfcalf,  ancient  antique, 32.00 

'•  "         llalfcalf,  full  gilt  backs, 32.00" 

"  "         Full  calf,  ancient  antique, 40.00 

"  "         Full  calf,  gilt  edges,  backs,  etc 40.00 

HUMOROUS    ILLUSTRATED    WORKS. 


Major  Jones'  Courtship  and 
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